Monday, December 10, 2012

Just the sporadic weight update...sickies resolving at last..

I've still got a bit of cough and bronchial good, but much less. I'm still not at peak energy level, but better. I suspect the thyroid is a wee out of whack, so I'll get that tested this week.

Tanita-san today: 176.2

That's up some from last check-in. No movement almost in 3 weeks, other than bed to couch to desk to couch to bed to desk to desk to get the idea.

I have (I think, must check) a trainer appt tomorrow. I had intended to cancel due to still feeling a bit out of it, but I didn't cancel within the 24 hour window. So, we shall see what tomorrow brings. Being sick put me back in vampire time mode, so I've been going to bed at 6 am and getting up at 3pm. Which sucks. Sucks a lot, after working so hard to become an earlier bird.

To be at the Pilates studio at 11 am, when I get sleepy at 6 to 7 pm is gonna be quite a feat, and we'll see. We'll see.

Okay, so good news: still in 170s. Bad news: not fully recovered from bronchitis and higher weight than last weigh-in. Good news: I'm still here and accountable. Bad News: I am not feeling mood-high. I'm a wee bit depressed, and considering this should be a happy, festive time of year, that is bad.

And that's the update for this Sunday. :D

Be well, ladies and gents. God bless...

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Update from the Sickroom

I've been putridly sick for nearly two weeks. I hadn't been this ill since the swine flu of 2009. Bad bronchitis.

Anyway, despite barely moving and little sleeping --mostly coughing and spitting up--I did weigh myself this am and I'm 174.8 . Almost 4 pounds down.

I've been having a lot of soup and fluids as expected. Unlike some folks who rely on chicken soup, I tend to feel better in terms of decongesting with onion soup and Thai spicy chicken soup (tom yum gai). Hubby goes to a local French diner, asks for the onion soup separated for take out (ie, broth in one, cheese in other, skip the french bread), and I heat it up at home with 1/5th the cheese they use. They use a seriously lot of cheese. He got me 6 and I have one a day. On days I don't have that, I have the Thai one. And lots of tea and coffee and coconut water. I snack mostly on fruit with some nut butters.

So, while I have had some not so great diet stuff--since I haven't been able to cook and hubby has brought in food--including carnitas tacos with sour cream and cheese , chicken picatta with that lemon butter sauce, and some chocolate marzipan I bought for my sisters for Thanksgiving, but was too sick to attend, hence, it's here, calling my name. Yeah, bad me. Well, I still lost. I think the constant coughing must burn loads of calories. ; )

I hope y'all are doing way better than I. Time for hot liquids. Later...

Saturday, November 17, 2012

180.2 ... 178.6

Thursday was 180.2
Today is 178.6

I have not yet had an ideal eating day. But I've had two BETTER eating days..and I'm sure that's water loss from less food. But seeing the numbers go the RIGHT way... it's nice. Psychologically, just being back IN the 170s makes a difference.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Sad things, bad things...and maybe I need to blog here again before my milestones get crushed to dust...and a Hurricane Sandy relief fundraiser for those of you who write fiction...

I got on the scale today and saw: 180 lbs.

I kid you not. I freaked a bit. Just a bit. Got off the scale, and went. OK....back to basics.

I have an appointment with the trainer (Pilates) on MOnday. I will consult with her on how to have a more affordable workout plan at the studio (meaning classes, which ones, when, etc). I'll be back to walking, since sitting and writing burns like zip calories.

I'm back to my organic coop. Picked up my first share and ready to eat fruits and veggies in abundance.

You know, I hit a low of 169.8 when I lost my appetite after hubby lost his job. That was early July. And then, it crept up. I got lazy. Things got in my diet that hadn't been in it for a while, such as sugar. Not huge quantities at first, just a taste here and there of, oh, chocolate marzipan.

And this is how the fat comes back, my dears. This is exactly how.

A scosh over 10 pounds higher in four months. Bit by bit. Creep by creep. A pound this week, a pound next week. No binges. Not a single binge. Just an extra serving here, and not measuring there, and sitting on my butt on the couch instead of moving and breathing hard and sweating.

So, I'm FIVE pounds away from being obese again FIVE. You know how easy that would be? Oh, snap. I could blink and it's here. Losing five pounds is hard, hard work. Gaining it just requires you do...nothing.

Okay, so 180 lbs today. A slap in the face. A reproach from the scale. A reality check. A failure.

I became a lazy ass again. I got lax.

But you know what can happen today? You do what's needful. You get back to what was done before. I did it for two years (the eating control) and I did it for 4 years (the exercising). So, I do it again. And again.

You start again. From right here. :)

I'm sad today, and I wept, and it wasn't because of my weight. I got over the freak and am fine about that. I know what to do, just have to stop being slothful.

What made me weep is that  a friend died. His wife is now a widow. His daughters are now fatherless. He had a congenital condition that no doubt contributed to the coma and eventual death--though doctors remain mystified. But he was younger than I am, one year younger. Because I am a person of a particular faith, I believe we will be hanging out together again one day, but his family's loss just makes me so, so sad.  And then it reminded me of my nephew, and his being gone, and well. It's been a weepy day.

Then I visit a couple of blogs, blogging and dieting pals from when I began this blog , and one is dealing with severe medical issues and severe regain. Another is having a personal life upheaval, and severe regain. One has lost worldly possessions, and is probably regaining. One has a hubby with cancer, with a slight regain.

But in all these cases, the regain is the least of it, right? It's peanuts compared to the rest. Because, really, when it's about serious health issues or serious relationship problems or major disaster upheavals or ...DEATH...weight pales in comparison. It hurts and it sickens and it frustrates, but it's far worse to lose the ones we love, whether we lose them (or being with them) due to grave illness, mental issues, divorce, or whatever.

Weight matters. But other things matter more.

This is putting things in perspective. I'm not down and weepy today because I regained. I'm down because a good guy is gone from this place and his family is heartbroken and irrevocably changed. Someone who worked hard to be healthy to overcome what could not be intrinsically fixed. But he's still gone early.

To Beth. Keep the hope, hold on. To Karen: keep the faith, hold on, believe in miracles. To Big A: I know you'll be fine, cause you're one tough mother,  but don't let the stress make you lose what you gained with so much hard work.  You have the most precious things safe, the rest will come back. Jo: what can I say? Be strong for yourself and for him, and believe.

I hope y'all praying folks out there will keep these bloggy pals in mind.

I have no excuse, see? These folks have serious things going on right now, not I.My time came before-- job losses, disaster damages (of a MUCH MUCH slighter sort than A's major smack from nature), health crises, and the worst, deaths-- and my time will come again, cause that's life. Shit happens. Then sunshine. Shit happens again, then sunshine. Repeat, repeat. Die.

Yes, I have things intrinsically defective about me, but all I have to do is look back on this blog to when I was doing the needful things. The things I need to do again. I HAVE NO EXCUSE.

Nearly two years ago on this blog, when I was 53 or so pounds heavier than I am now,  I wrote that the reason I needed to do it--lose weight, get healthier-- was because "' time is running out."

Guess what, I have even less time than when I first put this  image on my blog:

Time moves on, even if we sit still and get nothing done about what we want related to, well,whatever--fat, fitness, work goals, personal relationship goals, spiritual goals.

Whatever it is you and I want to change, we only have RIGHT NOW. You have no guarantees, neither do I, that we have the next hour or next day or next year. A hurricane can hit a big city and take away a home, a car, a loved one. A plague. A cancer. A car accident. Anything can happen. This moment right now is all you know you have.

Wanna do something in your life? I know I want to, and I'm a procrastinater by nature. If it's tough, I wanna do it...later.

You better do it now.

Me, too.

And I guess I better get back to my weigh-ins and accountability. I want this happy weight "after" to stay happy. :D

Be well, my dears. And if you have a moment, pray grace and comfort over the Dorta family.

ADDENDUM:  This is for those of you who are writing novels and might desire feedback from established/published authors (these are CBA authors, Christian fiction). There is a fundraiser underway. Get a published author to critique first 50 pages of your work. You'll have to bid. Here is the information.  All proceeds go to Hurricane Sandy relief via Samaritan's Purse (I remember they did really good aid work after H. Rita). My church has gathered money and supplies and sent folks up north to help out, including folks to do manual labor. We're one nation, so yeah, we should help out, right?

Monday, November 5, 2012

A Quick Check-In and Feeling Bummed About the NE Buddies Post Storm...

All right, first off, the accountability of numbers: 175.2

That was my weight this AM.

Last week, I was 174.2

At my last check in mid-September (a bit over a month and a half ago), I was 173.4

That's not a trajectory I like. Almost two pounds up.

Habits dropping off slowly. I still watch some of what I eat, but not utter carefully. I do nearly NO exercise. Not in four months. When hubby lost his job and I stopped doing my Pilates training, the motivation to move just came to a screeching halt.

With a reduced salary, personal training is just not an option. So, I need to get myself a program of my own devising and move. I've lost my tone and beautiful muscle. I am mushy and I hate it. But it's my fault, so no one to blame but MYSELF.

I won't wallow. It would be a stupid thing, counterproductive, and, in light of the horrors some of our countrymen and women are going through in the wake of economic upheaval and natural disasters--had online pals who had to flee those Colorado fires, have friends and family with prolonged joblessness, have online friends & IRL friends and family affected in ways from minor to all-out major from Hurricane Sandy. Allan, my once fearless leader in weight loss, lost all his material goods. All.

I have NO right to moan. None.

I simply acknowledge that whether it's losing or keeping off fat, it's hard and requires consistence and vigilance and not letting old habits reassert.

So, I've stayed out of obesity for 1 year and 3 months. But I know it's easy to get BACK IN OBESITY, so this little bloggy check-in after an absence due to, well, lack of interest i weight loss blogging, is a HELLO to you lovelies out there, and a HEY, PAY ATTENTION to this girl right here, typing this post.

The Lord bless and protect and restore calm and peace to all affected by the recent northeast storm. This once-New-Yorker feels pain seeing the devastation. We have extended family and friends in Jersey and NY. It hurts to see what's happened.

Remember to give to disaster relief. Check that it's legitimate. We all want the victims to be helped, not scammers.

One day, that could be you. Or me. (And yeah, I've lived through hurricanes, with, thank God minor losses/damages, not utter devastation.) You may not know where you'll sleep or how you'll get to work one day, too, and need to rely on the kindness of strangers. And, of course, pray. Winter is a nasty season up north. No one should be worrying where to live. Let's pray for a milder winter...and many open doors and hearts.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Still Maintaining...kinda blah, otherwise.

Ah, got nothing to blog about. Just not feeling it. But I wanted to update my weight tracker, and I'm still maintaining:


Last time I updated my weight tracker--sidebar left--it was 173.8.

So, pretty much the same, huh? :)

I hope you are all doing well. Keep on fighting on. It's tough, yes, and I'm having some good days and some bad days, and it's a little mood dip time for me (I get those). I'm turning to mush from not exercising (still haven't worked up that mojo), so the struggle continues.

It's a lifelong thing, after all--and we do know this, right?--so it's not like we can ever just forget about the needful things on this journey. They never stop being needful--the vigilance, the discipline, the time-making for the necessary shopping, food prep, movement. I'm shopping better, but I'm still not moving enough. This will turn around, too, because it's vital. I recall too well how great it felt to have those muscles and the fitness level higher. It felt GREAT.

I want to feel great again. For now, a little down, a little bleh. It will pass.

Be well, all...

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

The Third Year Begins! Or..What Happens After the "Two Years To Happy Weight After"?

268--10 pounds more than when I started this blog   
299 lbs--highest weight
278 pounds in 2009

Today is the first day of my THIRD year.

What does this mean?

Originally, the title of this blog was "Two Years To Happy Weight After".  I chose that name because I wanted to start fresh, with a new weight loss blog--the previous once was Once Upon A Diet--one that was goal-oriented, specific, and accountable. I decided I'd weigh-in weekly--publicly. I'd put up before pictures for all to see. And then the series of after pictures (as progress occurred). I gave myself two years to get out of obesity and hit goal weight of 160.

Being goal-oriented and specific helped. It really was a game-changer. No fudging or avoiding. I put it out there: what I wanted, what I'd do, what I was doing, when I was struggling, when I was sailing.

My highest weight at my home scale was 299. At the doc's scale, 303.
I began Once Upon a Diet in May of 2007 at 279 lbs.
I began this blog in September of 2010 at 258 lbs.

I am now 172.6 lbs, as of today.

I did not make 160 goal weight.

I did make and surpass my " happy weight" as defined on my previous blog, that is, 175 lbs. The weight I could live at and be happy, even if overweight.

178 lbs

180 lbs

178 lbs May 2012

172.6 lbs, today

For the record, 160 is considered overweight of 5'6". I never aimed for skinny.

I am overweight. But I am okay with it. I don't discount trying to hit 160 still, but for now, I'm focusing on MAINTAINING.

I have good reason to take this seriously at this point.

My first post here on this blog referred to two bloggers who inspired me, both had lost a lot of weight and left obesity behind.

One is now obese again.
The other I have no idea, as the blog has gone private.

I know maintenance is hard. Do you know it? Believe it.

Most folks FAIL at it.

Whether they get to lean or just to "not obese," most fail.

So, I'm aiming to hold on, stay in the 170s. If I can find  super-mojo and work on getting to 160's, amen and hallelujah. But I've lost 126 pounds and I've got a lot of odds against me. I want to win this war and, for now, that war is called Maintenance. Keeping the Pounds Off.

It's enough work for me right now.

I'm really glad I created this blog. I'm glad I joined Allan's challenges. I'm glad I hosted several challenges and was able to motivate myself and help others in the process.

I'm going to copy and paste that first post on September 3, 2010. I hope some of you out there who need to get out of morbid obesity or obesity will take heart and give yourself time. Don't focus on crash diets. I gave myself two years, and now I give myself the rest of my life to work on this. Give yourself the time you need to change your mindset.

I still have tons of work to do to reestablish and keep good habits.

If you've lost motivation, find it again. Fight for it. I plan to.

If you haven't started the journey--get prepared: Clean out the crap food from your house. Read solid books on good eating and LEARN, LEARN, LEARN. Get moving, consistently, often, even if it's a walk around your neighborhood every other day or dancing in your living room before you go to work. Go to the gym, if you can afford it. Lift heavy stuff with a video teacher, if you can't afford the gym.

Buy real food. Learn to prepare it simply and pleasantly. Watch the calories. Set a limit and stick to it. Drink water. Lots of it. Give those dangerous drive-thrus a pass. Learn what foods trigger you to eat more. Ditch them from your life.

Set goals. Specific ones. Daily ones. Weekly. Monthly. Annually. Goals with  time-frames and actions steps to achieve them. Specific, concrete, real, measurable ones. Not pie in the sky vague ones. NOt, "I'll try better." But lay out what "try better" really is and how you do it, step by step.

Work on the inner issues, emotional and spiritual and mental. Get help from pros if you have serious ones.

Save money  and get a trainer. Budget for some dietitian visits. See a cognitive therapist if you can't seem to get past some issues.

It's worth giving up some perks and entertainments--Starbucks, movies, a vacation trip, magazines, those brand name heels, that new electronic toy--to get healthy.

You may fall short, like me, but falling short can sometimes still mean gaining a hella lot. I'm not 300 lbs anymore. I'm not obese anymore. I feel better. I look better. Daily life is just better when health improves and limbs are more flexible and clothes fit better and you can sit in chairs in public and not worry they will break. Sex is better. Sleep is better. The camera isn't as scary.

Life is just better.

I wish you well if you're starting your journey. Believe in your ability to do it starting TODAY!

Okay, here's that first post:

Friday, September 3, 2010

DAY 1--Starting Fresh with A Clear Goal--Two years to happy weight

731 days to go...

It occurred to me yesterday--and re-occurred yet again to me today--that I'm not terribly clear on my goals unless I'm in a challenge. Even in challenges, I tend to slack off and lose sight of stuff.

My original weight loss blog, Once Upon a Diet, began with the idea of using fairy tale/fantasy themes (as I'm an SF otaku), and in the beginning, I really tried to keep to that theme in terms of labels and ideas.

But the blog itself was vague: Once...once...that's vague.

This one will not be vague. I have kept the theme in the title--"Happy Ever Weight" as a play on "happily ever after" fairy tale endings in conjunction with fatfighter-speak of "happy weight", the weight one could live with as opposed to the ideal that may be unrealistic for many or most (because of the deprivations involved to be low medical chart weight).

I was very happy to see two fellow fatfighting bloggers reach the goals enshrined in their blog titles:

Lyn from ESCAPE FROM OBESITY blog has literally escaped: She is now merely "overweight," and no longer obese. How beautiful is that? I applaud her effort, persistence, and insightful blog posts. (Do look at her recipes, some are so numsy.) Lyn rocks and I do not doubt she will be "normal" weight before long. Congrats, Lyn.


Dawne, whose blog used to be called "365 Days to a New Me"...well, she did it. And she's now a new Dawne, 84 lbs lighter and looking terrific too! Do click that link and the pics of her transformation and her reflections/recap. She's retitled her blog to "It's My Time" as she begins a new year. I'm sure it's going to be even better. Dawne is a huge inspiration and her deep spiritual perspective is encouraging.

I like the idea--like it VERY much--of having a clear goal in the blog title. Whether to "escape from obesity" or become new in 365 days or... in my case here, be at a happy weight--I selected 160 lbs--2 years...I think just logging on is a reminder of what I am here to do with this blog. Get healthier by getting to a healthy weight.

I don't want it to be a fairy tale. I just want the fairy tale ending.

I will keep my old blog, Once Upon a Diet, up for reference. I have many excellent posts and reflections, if I say so myself, as well as pictures and resources. And I want to be able to look back at my own milestones. So, yes, I'm keeping it. But this is where I'll be from now on...with a clear goal in mind.

I will discuss my shorter term goals and plans in coming posts, and I will institute a weigh-in day, etc. I hope you continue to support me as you did in my previous blog. I hope you continue to follow me, if you did so before.

New beginnings...thank God we can always have them.

Blessing to you today. Let's all be renewed to our goals...

Sunday, September 2, 2012

"Hey, Fat Girl!"--and if you're a heavy person exercising in public, feeling eyes on you, read this...

Seriously, READ THIS.  It's fabulous.

Read it especially if you're AFRAID to go out there and move cause you're 200, 250, 300,, 350 or plus...pounds.

I know firsthand how hard it is to move when the body is burdened with fat. I got to 300 lbs.

And I know what it's like to be morbidly obese and walk into a Pilates studio full of fit, slim folks--and in my case, MODELS, bona fide "in national magazines" models. Me, at 280 lbs, ungracefully climbing on and off equipment like a drunk turtle, huffing and puffing, oozing sweat, while sleek dancers and models elegantly "glowed" in their slim splendor and mutant beauty all around me, yeah, me with my size 4x workout wear. Yep, FOUR X. I had to mail order it, cause Sports Authority and places didn't have those sizes. (Click Phat Pilates tab up under the blog header to see some pics taken after I'd been doing Pilates a bit.)

But I did it. It took me months to work up the nerve, but my desire to get healthier overcame all shame, embarrassment, and fear.

I started walking regularly while still obese. At 240 or so pounds. It was hard. I could barely manage 10 minutes without pain in my feet and knees, without feeling a bit woozy.

But I did it.

In time, bit by bit, I could go faster and farther and longer.

And then, little by little, I got props--from the trainers, fellow exercisers, neighbors seeing me walk and get slimmer month by month, family members, my husband, who noticed I could keep up with him when we went out and had to walk blocks...and not feel like I had to sit down and gasp.

I think some small-minded folks will always ridicule those of us who are big and trying to be less big when we hit the streets or the gym. The idiots abound in every society.

But the kind folks are out there, too. Folks who will high five and thumbs-up a large person, male or female, making the effort. Folks who will give you a second wind just with a smile of approval.

 I make it a point --and did back then--to encourage my fellow fatties (and I say that with empathy and affection) in our exercise efforts. A thumbs up. A smile. A word or phrase to say, "I notice you and you are fabulous."

Remember that if you're NOT big, if you're out and see a hefty person on a bike, or out for a walk or jog, or trying to work a gym machine: It takes courage for them to go and do that. On top of that courage, it's physically taxing in ways non-fat people cannot imagine. The thighs that rub hard together, the feet can overpronate. Bending over can be quite an effort, or not possible. The extra effort to just MOVE, the painful joints...all these things are obstacles one has to overcome to keep going. It takes guts to breathe hard, sweat, jiggle, and wear revealing workout wear in public.

If you haven't gone out there to MOVE out of shame or fear, I say this, and you should say it, too: Screw the idiots and screw the shame. GONNA DO IT FOR ME!

And if you're doing it: God bless you and keep at it. You're gonna feel the change.

Hey, Fat Girl. Hey, Fat Guy. Listen up.  Keep moving forward. You rock!

And when I was morbidly obese and exposing myself to the eyes of dancers and models and skinny joggers in my neighborhood, I rocked. I rock when I don't let the creeps get me down. When I do it for my good and for the good of those who love me and want me to have a long life.

You're heroic, big person moving it out there where eyes can see every jiggle and limp. Keep walking, running, moving. Don't let any critics make you stop!

I bow to you, too!

Friday, August 17, 2012

Portion Creep, Weight Creep, and the Big Wake-Up Call....and the Good (bread) Plates Come to the Rescue. :D

Um, well, dang. Today, the scale said, "Hey, you're gaining too much weight, Missy."


The lowest was, for a brief few days, 169.8. Then back to the 170s.

I've had a bad case of portion creep. Or portion dump. Appetite came back with a vengeance with the release of tension once hubby found a nice job.

I've just been dumping food on my plate and going to town.

So, today, I went to the cabinet and got out the gold-rimmed heirloom Bavarian china that's decades old, plates I inherited from my mother-in-law. I figured if I was gonna eat less, I was gonna eat it in style.

Breakfast today got served on very small, very shiny/gleamy/pretty plates that are about 6 or 7 inches wide (though the serving area is only like 5 inches, the rest is rim.  They're pretty much bread plates. Or VERY TINY salad or appetizer plates.

Here's how I put the pretties to use: One for my protein. One for my fruit.

To keep the beautiful vibe going, I had my coffee in a matching ivory and gold-rimmed (though not Bavarian) Noritake teacup (so pretty) and Ralph Lauren saucer (so classy). I had acquired those years ago at a big sale where mismatched stuff got hugely discounted over at Macy's. It was a steal. The Noritake cup had no saucer. The Lauren saucer had no cup. But the pattern and colors matched, so I snapped them up super cheap. Less than 15 bucks for both, real china, real gold. SHAZAM! I use them when I am in the mood to jazz up my coffee or tea.

Those small plates means not a lot of food, but lots of eye-nourishment to help make up for it.

I figure my first meal of the day had crept up to 800 calories in the last couple weeks.

Today, it was 420. Much better.

I need to maintain or reverse the gain and lose some more again. The time of portion insanity

Are you letting portion creep into your life?
Are you using old dingy plates?

Make your smaller portions prettier!

Use color or go get one of those "special china" pieces and use it, cause YOU are special, and once we're dead, the china does us no good. Use it now.

And on we go, in the fight against fat.

Next project--tackle the sloth and get back to movement. AKA "Where have my lovely muscles gone?"

Take care, all. Be well...

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Probably up some from crazy appetite this week, and thanks for the prayers!

I haven't weighed in a couple days, but last time it was 171.8, so up 3 lbs from lowest. Been eating really, really salty and two days I just ate too much. Hunger is way must address this.

I do want to say thank you very much. Hubby began his new job this morning. So, nearly 7 weeks searching, dozens of applications, only two interviews, but hey, one stuck. :D  It's not contract though most of the open positions were contracts, no benefits, and half or so his previous salary. It's full-time, salaried, with benefits. Not the same pay as previously, but more than the other jobs he'd been pursuing.  God is good!

My gratitude overflows for those who remembered us in prayer.

I have to get to my own work now. I have a lot of writing to do and a lot of work in the home to do (the decluttering and organizing project which is MASSIVE). We need to do some repairs and updating (costly, but I guess we'll do it bit by bit). And I need to prepare a budget to squeeze money for the home fix-ups from the new salary.

And I need to get back into an exercise routine, which has been non-existent for nearly 2 months. My bad. It's astounding how much muscle you lose being a slug again. I can feel the change, see it. My hard legs and arms have gone to mush. Sigh. I regret that.

My only other regret today is we didn't get to have a week's vacation. He was so busy studying and applying for jobs, and I figured we'd have some days or a week before the new job. But they wanted him to start immediately. It would have been nice to take a week to just bum around the city seeing sights and having fun.

That will come. For now, just some easing of the major stress.

Thanks again. Be well...

Thursday, August 2, 2012

The Ease with Which New Habits Fade and Old Habits's Scary! AND Some Pics of Me Now at 170 lbs.

I'm still alive. :D  Stress is a daily thing and hubby is still hunting for work, but we took time yesterday to enjoy a beach worship service.

My legs, loose capris, and the gospel of Luke

The sand fleas and mosquitoes were fierce, and before we were done, lots of scratching going on--blame it on not enough wind, a flattish sea,  and the stagnantish water from the Intracoastal. The strip where the service went on was a narrow bit of beach between Intracoastal and the Atlantic.

The pastor said it was usually fine when the wind blew well. Pelicans and seagulls flew overhead and beachgoers laughed and bathed. Some swimming and paddleboarding. Some fishing off the pier. Nice to see some roped off areas where sea turtles were being protected prior to hatching. :D

I sat on a nylon bag on the sand and looked at how I've lost muscle off my legs. Seriously, I have not exercised in more than a month, and it shows. I feel less dense. I feel less strong. Bad old habit reimposed. And now I have to remotivate myself to move and recreate the nicer shape/density I had. It's tough. Nearly back to being the old slothful me. Not good.

Yes, it's THAT easy to get out of good habits. 

Hubby sat behind me, much less attacked by the wee bitey things. I guess I was his wall of protection. They were too busy munching on me.

Hubby with the Dania Beach pier behind him

After we closed the service with a worship song--"His love never fails"--I headed to the water to get some saltwater on my bites. I rolled up my loose capris and splashed water on arms and legs and then just played a bit.

beach joy

It was a lovely respite from studying, writing, job hunting, worrying. Yay for sun and water and seabirds and songs and kids laughing and encouraging words and an amazing moon rising over the ocean. (I didn't get a good pic, sigh).

Sunday I was 170.4, and then had a family thanksgiving dinner (a relative was healing well after a life-threatening event and ICU stay). I ate traditional Cuban fare--meaning not a whole lotta veggies, lots of starch, and flan. First time I have a really sugary regular dessert in ages. I forgot how good that crap is. ; )

I'm at 170.0 today. Appetite returned to normal (not binge normal, just normal for the last couple years), and I'm back to my two meals and roughly 1600 calories, not the 500-800 when the anxiety first hit.  My lowest was 168.6, and then I bounced up to 172 and back down, depending on the salt level of my foods.

So, my body is mushier sans nearly daily exercise, sans Pilates. My appetite is normalized. And I keep the faith that good things will come.

But I definitely need to set goals again for movement and not mess up after good progress.

Habits die hard if they're bad, and die easy if they're good sometimes. So, we must be on the alert. Always. Always....

God bless. Be well.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Worth Reading...cause Calories Do Count!

In Defence of the Calories

He takes on several of the "arguments" against counting calories for weight loss.

Anti-Calorie argument #3: Fat people eat no more than skinny people
For years this was simply assumed based on observation, anecdote and poor science. We’ve all seen and heard the lamentations of those who “barely eat” and can’t lose an ounce while their skinny friend eats baconators for breakfast and never gains. Studies appeared to substantiate our observations when subjects were asked to record their food intake…that is until they actually decided to see for themselves and monitor them more closely. And guess what? Overweight people are prone to underreporting food intake – to the tune of up to 47% in some studies!
So for someone claiming to eat 2000 calories was actually consuming almost 3000 calories. At the risk of sounding obvious – that’s a pretty big difference.
Again this plays into the “it’s not your fault” warmth and fuzziness that Gary Taubes and others are so fond of. To quote my friend and colleague Leigh Peele – you WANT it to be your “fault”. It doesn’t mean dwell on it, beat yourself up over it… it means you are in control and can do something about it.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

9 Pounds From Goal Weight... :O Wish I could be happier about it...

Today, Tanita-San said this: 169.8

I was shocked. I've longed to weigh less than hubby, which has been NOT the state of things for the majority of our marriage. But today, I was .8 lbs more than his weigh-in o f 169.0 on the same scale.

 4 pounds less than a week ago. FOUR.


Anxiety/stress, just freaking in this bleak job market with NO income coming in right now, has pretty much put the kibbosh on my appetite.

I have NOT been exercising. At all.

I have had disturbed sleep.

And I've been trying to help hubby with his job search.

All that while watching pennies, continuing to plot/write, and strategizing how to become employable. Trust me, even with two degrees, when a person is out of the job market for 22 years, employability is near nil. Plus being over 50 brings a new discrimination factor.

It's tough in our household these days. And I pray and pray to calm my freakout.

Well, that's the update. Prayers continue to be much appreciated.

Please, be well...better than me. Cause this is NOT the way to lose weight.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Weight Milestones--when you get to a memory point

Many blogs ago, here and on my old blog, I had talked about weight milestones, those numbers that had special significance. Sometimes, the milestone was about crossing obesity/weight levels: not being severely morbidly obese, not being morbidly obese, not being obese, etc.

Sometimes, it's because we REMEMBER being a certain weight, with all the accompanying nostalgia/events. I remember being 172. I remember my skin being tauter Ya don't lose 127 lbs without serious loose skin issues. I remember doing aerobics and yoga at this weight. I remember doing low-fat/high carb (oodles of pasta). I remember wearing white shorts and a white tank when working out at home. I was 26 or so. Young!

This 172 is 52. It's got saggy, crinkly skin from big weight loss. It has less energy than 26 year old 172.

I remember wishing I was slimmer and reading diet books at 172. Dissatisfied with my body, though not horribly so. Just discontent.

Now, I see 172 differently. It's inevitable. Get to 300 lbs and 172 seems like a dream come true. It is a dream come true. Only it's an imperfect dream, because there are consequences, there is aging, there is, right now, all the anxiety and stress that I'm dealing with that saps joy.

So, it was emotional when I stepped on the scale. 172. One of those weights that had meaning and memories attached, for whatever reason the brain holds on to such matters.

I suspect all of us who dieted or watched weight have milestone numbers in mind, numbers from the past that aren't just numbers, but have clear feelings and states of mind and visual memories attached to the number.

Do you?

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Absorbed and Forgot to Eat, but I Just Made Myself Eat NOW! And Is FAT INCURABLE? I'll hang on to hope...that I can be cured. :D

I looked up from some stuff I was doing--some researching, some writing--and lo and behold, it was 11:30 and I had not had but one meal, breakfast. Some eggs, papaya, boiled yuca (cassava), and coffee. That was it. Maybe 600 calories. Under 25 grams of protein, most likely.

I didn't want to end the day without enough protein (and yeah, still not really hungry), so I have a spinach-cranberry-almond-cheese salad , a protein shake (Swanson protein 17 g with some lowfat organic milk) and drank some beef Gelatin powder in water for more protein. Maybe 500 cals. I should end the day at a not too bad 1100.

I really think it's dangerous not to get enough protein and not to eat enough, period, in terms of holding on to lean mass and not making some bonkers hormonal reactions.

So, while I'm chewing, I decided to type. Cause I was still pondering an article I read a couple days ago, the one you ALL must have seen, read, and read people respond to. It was rather dire. You know which one I mean?

It was by David Wong over at with the title: Fat is Officially Incurable (According to Science).

You should read it if you have lost weight, are losing weight, or WANT to lose weight. It's not really saying something very different than what those of us who have kept up with the research over the years ALREADY know.  I remember reading something very similar--diets fail, nearly all the time--by a bariatric specialist when I was early in my weight loss blogging. It scared me, but it made me want to be one of the few freaks who keep it off. The minority.

I'd blogged before about how it's the few, very few, who lose a lot and keep it off, barring those who have bariatric bypass, since they have much greater chances of keeping it off, but might suffer complications that are hard to live with later. (And we've all seen famous bypassers regain, like Carnie Wilson. We've seen fellow bloggers with some form of surgical intervention regain partly, sometimes back into obesity. It's not a guarantee, but it does have better stats.)

This was also one of the reasons I never aimed for THIN. Thin, I knew, just knew, was beyond me. I aimed for NOT OBESE. That's all. Just not obese. Just overweight.

And I'm here now. Not obese. Not Thin. Just overweight.

I have no idea if I'll be one of the very few who stay not obese. I want to be, but I'm not gifted with future-vision.

All I can do is remember that it's EASY to regain. What will happen if I get the wild hunger so many "losers" report after hitting target or near-target weight. The mad urge to eat that is verified by science--studies that show hunger hormones elevated in those who dieted, lost weight. Even a year later, amazingly, a year after not being on the tight caloric regimen, hunger hormones remain HIGH, and need for calories LOW. (Lower than never-fat folks at same weight.)

It's scary. Really scary.

It's unjust. Sure. We say that.

It's reality.

But don't despair. Do read this balanced response over at 180 Degree Health by Rob Archangel, and just assess where you are and where you can be and how you can improve in the various health areas.

Sometimes, we damage ourselves trying to get to a perfect weight, or an ideal weight, when what we need is just to be at a healthy place, and that healthy place might be at an overweight or even mildly obese place. (I cannot be convinced that serious obesity/morbid obesity can be a healthful place.)

I lost 3.4 lbs this past week in a not healthy way. It was effortless, but it was not WELLNESS.

Some would say, "Shut up, take your losses and celebrate."

I would, except that I want to be WELL, not thin. HEALTHY, not skinny. FULL OF ENERGY AND STRONG, not a size 6.

I'm a size 12/14/16 depending on who/the cut/the style. And I'm okay being here as long as I'm here with good habits--sound food and good movement--and not here doing weird stuff or stressing out or having disordered eating or just laying around and turning to skinny mush.

Rob Archangel is right. We want health. Let's do what is good for health, and not be yo-yo dieters or obsessive over-exercisers, destroying our joints, or life stifling food perfectionists, trapped in orthorexia and unable to even enjoy a dinner out with friends or a holiday celebration.

This isn't just a scale thing. This is a quality of life thing.

If we can't focus on anything else once a good amount of weight is gone, if we can't learn to eat in a sane way and maintain that sane way of eating and moving, then there's something wrong with whatever plan we have.  If the weight is bouncing up and down and up and down, then it might be doing more damage than just working on other issues until the weight can be addressed with more calmness and strategy.

Just jumping into a fad diet out of despair at not fitting into a fave outfit might mess you up.

Weight loss requires a lot of work and planning and discipline, and it requires MORE to keep it off. Be aware, you newbies. Take time to learn.

Yes, you, if you're just starting your journey to a healthier weight, please remember the odds are bleak, but YOU can be one of the few successful ones. Do it right. Eat well of real food, move without hurting yourself, rest, meditate/pray, have supportive people around you (online and off), and accept that it's a lifelong vigilance, lifelong good habits that increase our odds of making it into the minority that KEEPS weight off.

Now, with hope, we move be well.


Saturday, July 14, 2012

3.4 lbs down since Saturday Last...Whoa! Not necessarily a great thing.

My appetite has been low, my anxiety high, and the result is 3.4 lbs lost.

I'm 173.8 as of today.  That puts me 13.8 lbs away from my original goal weight.

I am shaky with chills. My feet look veiny, unexpectedly. And my face has a bit of a sunken look around the eyes. Clearly, this sudden drop has had drawbacks.

But still, I have to admit, seeing a lower number on the scale EVERY day is a flashback to late 2010 and early 2011 when I was in steady losing mode. Only this is not healthy loss. I am not exercising. I walked 30 mins yesterday, but that was the first time in nearly 2 months. I know muscle is getting wasted.

I pray to keep from freaking, and so I'm still able to function. But I am living on the edge of a freak-out, and only God's grace keeps my mood from disintegrating.

He is good. And I have faith.

For now, I'll say, "Thank you, Lord" for less fat on my middle and may He provide more calm in my body and more strength in my heart, so that I lose to be well, not to be drawn and weak.

I hope you are all doing nicely with your goals and plans and food and movement, better than I. I don't recommend 3 lb drops (unless it's a first week with water loss). Muscle loss sucks.

Lose soundly, be strong, and be well. (I will try to follow that advice myself.)

And prayers still appreciated.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Well, that was startling!

Yesterday: 176.0
Today: 175.2

Kind of really shocked me. Anxiety must burn a lot of calories. Or I just got tons of potassium in the sauce I used on my dinner of gluten-free pasta, ricotta, veggies and mozzarella.

Well, fascinating in its own way to watch this happen, though I'd rather be stress-free and sassy, if heavier. ; )

Be well...

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Quick Check-in ...and Yet Again a New Low...

Haven't updated since last Monday. Stuff is still stressful, so I'm spending a lot of time in prayer, reading, decluttering, and just being a supportive Mrs. :)

On the scale: 176.0

That's what it said this AM. This past weekend, for the weigh-in, I was 176.2.

Last year around this time I was about 12 lbs heavier. At New Year's, I was 183. So, the bulk of my 123 lbs loss was NOT in the last year.

It's been tough, this last handful of pounds. Hence my decision to work on MAINTAINING, not radical loss. A part of me still wishes to see 160 lbs, but my focus is on not GAINING. The stress had helped me move to a new milestone, so close to that initial "would be happy weight"that  I posted on my old blog:175 lbs.

I would have been happier to see that low in a less stressful time, but it was cheering, all the same. I do worry I'm losing muscle, as exercise has been spotty and "less than". One of my goals for the coming week is to make and stick to a workout schedule and maintain lean mass.

Right now, I feel like the writing must come first. It wasn't until yesterday that I felt the words really come more smoothly and more "like me". :D  I haven't made much progress in actual number of words. Lots of what I wrote, I deleted the next day. Not right. Not right. Too generic. Not "me".

The work has been the labor of oiling up the machine, of once again feeling comfortable THINKING creatively. My head in the story. That's not easy when it's been a long hiatus.  The first step. And I saw the result last night. I started to write with more individuality and color and zip. I'll get there.

So, no regain. New progress. Bit by bit. But lots of stress and laying it at God's feet as best I can. Prayers always welcome.

Take care, keep at it, don't give up, be well....

Monday, July 2, 2012

Stress and the Scale--a new low, and some hopeful news...

I'm feeling a bit better, anxiety-wise, after getting sleep two nights in a row. Hallelujah!

Been so busy, between some stuff we had to do--job searching, taking company info notes for hubby; decluttering in case we need to move; and attending Supercon, which we had paid for BEFORE the lay-off and I thought I'd not enjoy, but it helped distract me, so worked fine.

I only had moments of that bone-rattling, shaking, nerves and palpitations anxiety/panic over the last couple days. Mostly, been praying, busy, and even danced 2 hours last night at the Supercon concerts.

Thank you so much, those who have prayed for us. I appreciate that more than these typed words could express, as I believe in the power of corporate prayer--prayers of like mind, of agreement.

Well, the good news is two-fold. 1. I'm at a total new low: 176.6  Weird, so weird. I stepped on the scale like 5 times thinking it had to be a blip. But no, five times it gave the same reading. That makes for 122.4 lbs lost total.

Good news #2 is that hubby had an interview today and they liked him enough for them to ask for him to come in for round 2 of interviews. Obviously, I researched the company for him, and it's a good one, a local one, and it would be a huge blessing for him to get the position. Please pray!

I hope this week sees you all doing well...and better..and best! I'm sorry I've been so busy that I haven't stopped by my usual blogging fatfighter-pal blogs. Forgive my absence. I hope to be back encouraging y'all soon. But a zillion things have my attention right now.

God bless...

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Checking In, Weigh-In, A CBS "toxic Sugar" video link, and a prayer request. :)

Man, amazing how time flies. It's been nearly two weeks since I checked in.

Okay, so weigh-in: 177.6 

That's a little over 3 lbs less than last Sunday, and that's back near to my lowest weight on this journey. That's good.

Here's the bad: the reason.  I've eaten a lot less (roughly 1000 cals) in the last 4 days. I've been on high anxiety and stressing. Hubby got laid off. So, yeah,  stress is high.

Normally, I'd dive into food for comfort. But, as anyone whose family income got shut down, you start economizing right off, and that means no eating out, take-out (or as minimal as possible). I'm using up what's in the house and drinking my whey protein when I don't feel like cooking. I spent two sleepless nights, and finally crashed and rested last night.

So, for the praying bloggers, I'd welcome prayers for , well, good employment for us, and fast. I don't want to drain savings. Thanks.

In clsoing, I wanted to pass along this link for a CBS 60 Minutes segment by Sanjay Gupta on sugar. If you misssed it back when they aired it, watch it. Worth seeing.

I'm convinced we need an anti-sugar-eating campaign like the no-smoking and no-drugs one. It won't eliminate it, and I wouldn't expect a total elimination. But if we can get people aware to LESSEN consumption and to demand hidden sugars be eliminated (bread doesn't NEED sugar, right) by not buying stuff with unnecessary included sugars, we'd all be better off. I mean, if we save sugar for rarer treats--a celebratory tarte or special hand-made truffle now and then--no one dies from that. But daily sugar ingestion in the sort of quantities and with hyperpalatable foods we have in modern life--the combo that really sets us up for overeating-- that is just deadly.

I began minimizing sugar intake when I first saw BITTER TRUTH (the video with Dr. Lustig that went viral a couple years back). I spent months and months when I didn't touch a thing with sugar. I got lax, allowed some real sugar treats in a few times a week along with my non-sugary ones. It was good to refresh myself with that video, to remind me to be vigilant. :)

Ditch the sugar, friends.

And be well...

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

A Passel of Pictures, A Pound That Prickles, A Pack of Paragraphs To Prime the Artistic Pump...and a Book for the Calorie Curious..

Just a various-items type of update, cause this is a transitional week for me, trying to do a lot of things at once while finding the balance. I'm not handling transitioning great, but I intend to get my footing!

I do feel like smiling and laughing again. Father's Day weekend pics are PROOF!
My hubby (with halo) and me.
I really love what the wind did to my hair here.
I wonder how I'd replicate this retro look?
Hair combs? French braid? I like it, though.

Windy-curly smile. Jungle Red lips.
Love the stone with my  dress and hair
My signature colors: red, black, white.
I felt better--mood, energy--but not 100%. I'll get there. (God, please.)  I wore a dress that had been sitting in my closet for months. It fit a little loose, but was comfy and girly. These are genuine smiles, so I'm hoping the remnants of the blues just fade away:

 I stepped on the scale today after the weekend of eating a bit more: 181.6


Well, like I said, wobbly transition. Exercise has been....laughably minimal.

I downloaded THIS BOOK to my Kindle. I figure it will remind me to keep on top of calories, as maintenance requires it. And ease off the sugar-free chocolate. The preview for it was very interesting, and I like science-ey stuff.

The writing: Well, I sat down and wrote nine paragraphs. Okay, so some were only one-liners. But hey, I wrote. Yay, me.

Doesn't sound like much, does it? But nine paragraphs raise a story question, introduce a character with a special trait, add a deviation from the norm, and maybe make you want to read more, even if it's preliminary, warm-the-brain-up crap after 5 years of writing pretty much bupkis.

Behold the rough crap:

Luisa was used to seeing what others missed. Hurrying to the office on an early summer morning, she couldn’t help but notice them.

The beautiful ones faced eastward, every single one.

Whether dressed in suits and ties or shorts and tees, whether masculine or feminine or that intriguing androgyny that smiled from the space between, all sat or leaned or stood in postures of expectation. This one stood bowing a bit forward on muscular feet, and the only thing that kept him from tumbling into the gutter was a tanned hand balanced lightly on a parking meter. That one with sat with a Cuban pastry untouched on a paper plate in front of her, head tilted to the right, utterly white hair a frothy cascade against the black of her black jacket. Another sat with elbows on bare knees, an expression less patient than his comrades. And that one there, he (or perhaps she) paused in sipping her  (or his) latte, lips parted, as if already caught by some wonderful matter only they-- these assorted staring beauties --could see.
They did not read newspapers or novels or the faces of passersby hurrying to work, as Luisa had been. They did not type or swipe on gleaming gadgets du jour.

They stood out, even among the usual mix of attractive residents and workers. They drew attention, and didn't care. They ignored everything other than what they look at that way…east. 

Luisa stopped walking--fine, so she was late already, a few more minutes didn't matter-- and followed their gazes.

Nothing struck her as stare-worthy in the regular sights from the parking garage to her office: inviting eateries and freshly-opened shops catering to the younger, urban, vigorously trendy crowd that had moved in over the last couple years. Nouveau or vegan or organic or fusion whatnot.

Nothing out of the ordinary.

But there they were, those exquisite creatures with their unwavering attention to--what?

Yes, my rusty brain is being asked to create. It's not easy going from nil movement to acceleration creatively; but it was actually, I dunno, let's say I felt this sense of, "Oh, that's right, this can feel good and tingly!"

The paragraphs may or may not be relevant. It may simply be an 'oiling the machinery' exercise. But it still felt good to overcome inertia and WRITE SOMETHING. My intention is to go back to one of my two preferred fantasy manuscripts and enter those worlds again. But this might end up a story. Ya never know.

Okay, that's it for the update. Be well, folks. Let me know if you get the book! (Or if you're writing fiction, too.)

Oh, and you may note that I changed the blog's name and subtitle. It's no longer Two Years to Happy Weight After....

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Still Down a bit; Still Up A Bit; Time for Maintenance; and Working to Transition to Creative Project While Not Losing all Weight Loss Habits...

I'm at 180.0.
I'm still feeling down and apathetic.
I have barely left my house in the last 3.5 weeks.
I haven't gotten together with family since Mother's Day.

Yes, this is not good and this does not make me happy.

That I'm not right back into obesity (ie, 185+ pounds for me) is a miracle. Some good habits have held, thank God. But they can slip so easily. So easily. I see an extra portion here and there. Days with hardly any movement.

On the plus side:

I walked day before yesterday, 25 minutes, at night to counter my heat intolerance. It was nice, if a little scary: I live in a high crime area, so walking at night solo is a risk.

I marched in place yesterday for 15 minutes and did some stretches. I managed a teaser on my yoga a few times. So, I was happy.  Even late last year, I couldn't do that.

One of my reasons for losing weight was to improve my health and focus so I could tackle writing again. For those who haven't been reading my blogs for years, I used to write (poetry, fiction--both short and novel length-- and edit for online SF mags).  I won a few contests, started networking with fellow writers, and then had two editors from two publishing houses I was targeting ask to see my manuscript. Both were enthusiastic. Both contacted me; I did not contact them. They'd seen my chapter and were excited.

I freaked. All my neuroses went on hyper. I stopped being able to write. Blocked. It's been five years now. My fear overtook me.

So, getting healthy was about overcoming my blocks and compulsions, but I needed health to do that. So tackling my weight was the big #1 project to open doors to the things I want to do before I die. Like organize my life/home/finances. Like travel. Like socialize like normal folks, instead of being an urban hermint. Like write. And not just write ONE thing. Make writing a part of my life. Earn money doing it. :)

I've pretty much accepted that my body doesn't want to go lower than this maintenance range I've been in for more than 7 months. The sacrifices in burning calories and lowering food intake are not feasible for me. We all come to conclusions about what we are WILLING to do, willing to suffer, willing to put out for an outcome.

I'm not willing to sacrifice more for a slimmer physique.

This is it. I have hit the wall and the wall is okay. I am not unhappy at this weight. As long as I don't slack on exercising--like I have with this depression--as long as I get back to consistent working out, I can live well here. 178 to 181 is not a range that disgusts me.

I accept it.

If later, I want to tackle it strongly again, I'll reconsider. But mentally and physically, I seem to have hit the place where eating modestly (1600 calories) and working out without feverishness has settled me.

I am content, if not deleriously pleased. :)

I want to move on to the other big projects. Organization and Creating with Words.

I can't give the last 20 lbs my undivided focus when I have to move forward. Time is fleeting. I can live at this weight. So, I will now focus on MAINTENANCE. I may have to shift to another blog name, since I am no longer focused on hitting 160 by Sept 3. I am focused on maintaining this range I've been maintaining (177 to 181 or so) while doing the other projects.

How this transition will happen, blog-wise, I'm not sure. I may rename this one, or open another blog. But I need to move on to finding my writing and organization mojo (they are linked, in my mind).

With the iffiness of hubby's employment situation--his company is doing big layoffs--organization and financial revamping becomes even more key. We may have to move cross-country. Who knows? Hope not, but preparation can't hurt. Just in case.  I want to think of it as an adventure, and fight my neuroses telling me it's panic time.

I'm hoping FERVENTLY that my creative brain didn't decay too much through disuse these last 5 years. If I created something that interested editors in 2006 and 2007, then I can do it again. I hope. :D  It will take months to get back into writer mode. I!

There ya go. This is where I am. Moving along to Projects 2 (and 3).  Yep. This one panel comic says it for me:

Be well...

Friday, June 8, 2012

Heat Intolerance sucks

I went walking for the first time in 3 weeks yesterday with hubby. We waited until evening so it was a bit cooler. We've had hot, humid weather. Lots of thunderstorms (what kept me inside at first, then the mood issues demotivated me.)

I could barely tolerate it. Made it through 20 minutes only by focusing.  I felt so hot and weak, like I was gonna pass out. My legs were shaky. I was panting. I felt woozy.

 I'll note that I did my Pilates session with my trainer and got through it fine. Indoors. With a/c.  But the heat/humidity outside got to me. 8pm and it was overcast, humid, and in the 80s.

I walked fine all last summer, even in humid weather, and that was when I was a bit hypothyroid, so I was feeling "chilly", as hypothyroid folks will tend to when they are a bit out of range. I was comfy for the most part last summer, and enjoyed having a time outside.

I guess when I see the endo in July (regularly scheduled appt), I'll find out if she needs to tweak me. I want to be able to walk again, but it's a fine line where I am euthyroid, and it's hard to STAY there.

Heat intolerance is tough. I start hyperventilating, feeling weak, feeling like I'm gonna burn up and pass out. Hate it. Wish I had a normal thyroid and didn't have to keep adjusting meds with weight changes or after active thyroiditis incidents. Well, you do what you can and keep the faith that medical science progress improves the situation.

I miss walking now. Wish someone could follow me around blasting icy air. :D

Be well...

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Ready for Summer Challenge: Finale-- not ready for summer, actually, but hey, I made some progress.

I started this challenge with these stats:

Weight: 182.4
Waist: 35 in.

I ended it with these:

Weight: 179.0
Waist: 34.75

I had wanted to lose a total of FIVE pounds and get to 177.4. I did get to 177.4, but then I ate salty crap right back up to 179.

So, I only officially lost 3.4 lbs. I am happy just to see a lower number than at the start. Wish I could have held on to my goal of 177.4--cause I did make it!--but it's really hard to focus when I'm in this depressive mood.

Been eating lots of salty stuff due to cravings. Olives, pickles, cheese, some ham, some turkey pastrami, some bacon with my eggs.

I'm still frustratingly demotivated. I'm barely moving. I'm not tracking.

But I'm not totally out of it. That's the best I can say. I still have some good habits--fluids, lots of fruits and veggies, trying to get adequate rest, thinking about what to do to reignite. My mind is still partially in it, and thanks to this challenge, I haven't tossed all good habits or desires about my weight into the wind.

I think holding on is valuable, so I won't discount it. In past lesser depressions, I'd easily gain 5, 10, 15+ pounds from stuffing pizza and lasagna and burritos and mac-n-cheese and french fries into my gut to get a food high. I have wanted more starches, but I've had fresh organic corn and steamed rice and baked organic sweet potatoes and gluten-free rice crackers, not Taco Bell and Pizza Hut.

I want to thank Maren for hosting this challenge. You're a lovely person. God bless you and all my fellow challengers. I hope we keep at it, because perseverance pays off.

Be well...

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

So, we work REALLY FRICKEN HARD to lose weight and exercise, with all those odds against us, work on issues, see specialists, read and learn, weep and try again when we fall...WORK HARD AS HECK to lose 50, 100, 150+ pounds...and they still think less of us? People! That's CRAZY!

New research out of the University of Hawaii at Mānoa, The University of Manchester and Monash University, has revealed that anti-fat prejudice still persisted against former obese women, even after they had lost a significant amount of weight.

Personal note:  I had a bunless double cheeseburger yesterday with a salad with gorgonzola, apples, and walnuts plus papaya for meal one. Pretty caloric. Then,  I had egg whites with shredded cheddar and a cameo apple with some walnuts and coconut water for meal two. I went a bit over 2100 calories. And I'm up one pound. Not pleased, but also not feeling terribly guilty. The depression makes me a bit apathetic. Not good. But as I'm not into self-flagellation, anyway, that's fine. I simply state it. Poor portion control.
But moving on....

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Just a quote to get my depressed butt in motion...

In a paper, published in Physiological Reviews, the journal of the American Physiological Society, Karpe and Frayn describe how exercise not only prompts fat cells to release fat for use by muscles but also that raising fitness gives a long-term boost to the mechanisms that burn fat - meaning that fit people find it easier to get rid of fat.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Vampire hours and lowest weight on journey....and remembering the ones who gave all...

Today, the lowest I've been on this weight loss journey: 177.2

I had seen that number briefly, one day, back in December, as part of this weird little maintaining thing that I seem to be stuck in (not wholly negative, I'll add). It's nice to see it again. It's not nice to see it when I'm depressed, so I didn't feel anything overly happy. It's just..nice.

It'll be nicer if it's not--again-- the lower boundary of a maintenance cycle, and nice if I don't see it go back up and up.

What will be REALLY nice is if I see 177.0 and lower, and that shows some sort of actual non-maintenance progress.

In the "This Sucks, Buffy!" department: I'm sleeping the worst schedule. I'm in bed at 7 in the morning, up at 4pm. But hey, that was earlier today than getting up at 5pm. My weekend just slipped off without me. A wasted day off for hubby, as I can't get the mojo to shower or dress or do anything. I just am a limp rag here. On Vampire schedule. It's really tough to get out of this sleep pattern, but I always have to get out of it to function; and it stresses the body to switch....argh. Had to cancel today's Pilates. Could not be  awake at 1pm.

To end on a positive: I have controlled my calories for the last two days, even though I want to eat everything I see in commercials. Add that to the "nice" category. :)

One more nice thing: the initial bounties of "summer fruit". I love fruit. I've been eating lots since I began dieting. I tried to control it a bit more when pre-diabetic, but when summer comes, sorry, I go all fruit-mad. :D The peaches from my oganic coop have been lovely lovely lovely! The strawberries have been astounding. I got watermelon, and am cutting it today. I can't wait for the various peaches and plums to start rolling in. The cherries, sadly, are not yet great.

And today, I'm thinking about and grateful for those who are brave enough to take on the risks of defending this wonderful country. I live my life in freedom cause others have put on uniforms and some, many, have died. And this is not something to take lightly. God bless and comfort the families who have suffered losses. Thank you, all who have sacrificed.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Ready for Summer Update #9: Next To Last Week...and a loss, at last. Still depressed, though...Oh, and Exercise? What exercise?

Last Week: 178.8

Um, color me shocked. I was hoping for staying the same and afraid of regain (I had a couple days when I ate over 2000 calories.)

I did not one lick of exercise. NOT ONE. I cancelled my trainer sessions and just wallowed a bit in my depression. I've slept 12 hours pretty much most days. I feel completely lacking in vim.

So, clearly, I sucked this week. I met NOT goals other than the weight and fluid ones. That's it. And I had to struggle to do this update, as my motivation is at ground level. Well, not in the basement, or I would be 10 pounds up by now. But I'm hanging on enough.

The loss is a fluke. Maybe the stress burns calories. Hubby's company is set to lay off anywhere from 2K to 6K employees, so I'm stressing BIG time. And still depressed. Stress, anxiety and depression.

Maybe the loss is from muscle atrophy from not doing squat. Could be? ; )

I checked on something: We started this challenge with 57 folks. Last week, 21 updated. We lost 36 challengers along the way.

To all who are sticking by your commitment to this challenge, good for you. I've not done well, but I committed, so I'm trying to hang in here and update and be accountable.

 It's lovely to see some former challengers from my previous challenges--Jo, Nanette, etc--hanging in!

To those who dropped out, what happened? Did you struggle a lot, too? I feel ya. Don't lose heart. Try again.

I flunked this challenge so far. No question. And I don't wallow for it. Not one bit.

A look back to now: My initial goals of activity were often met. My caloric ones, less consistently. My fluid ones 99%. I missed some mini-challenges, especially as the depression came on.

I think if I hadn't had this accountability, I'd be in a worse place. Maybe. Only God knows. BUT...I think so. So, for that alone, I am very grateful. Thank you, Maren.

I hope some of the ladies who ditched the challenge reassess, make an update, and join in for the finale. Let's finish together. Only one week left. ONE week is enough to recommit, to make some progress, to learn something, to encourage someone, to be encouraged. One week can count!

Okay, specifics for week past, then the final week goals:

I didn't make it in time to link up to the mini-challenge, but what I planned for it was to resume tracking. I'm struggling even with consistency with tracking, but at least trying to makes me think about calories more, daily.  My apathetic and depressed self didn't get on this until FRIDAY of this past week. BUT, it was having this challenge in mind that got me back on that horse. Because of that, I was able to assess again where my food is, the state of my eating. This is valuable. :D

My NSVs were not wallowing in delivery. I gave in two days to delivery Chinese, a type of food I'd almost given up as I'd lost weight. Part of me was craving that old comfort. But then I caught myself and stopped on the rest of the days when I didn't wanna dress or make food. I wanted to make calls and have food brought to me. So, for me, the NSV was saying no to that 5 days out of 7. It wasn't easy. My depressed brain wanted the salty-fatty-delivery. Instead, I dragged myself to the kitchen and made my eggs or my salad or my soup when sloth got the better of me. This was my NSV for the week. A minimal one, but it counts a lot to me. The days I said NO were more than the days I said YES to bad habits from the past.

Goal for last week: I would love to end the challenge a little lower than I started, but if I end up the same weight, it will still be a victory to me. Not gaining is a victory to me, especially when my heart is not in it and being back in it even a bit is a daily fight.I think if I can get beyond my own emotional dark-block and MOVE in the SUN, I'll feel better and maybe lose a bit. So, the only goals I'm setting is to continue tracking and to move, at something, anything, just get out of my brooding bed and move.

Not quitting, ever. :)

Be well

Friday, May 25, 2012

Formally Tracking Again....and an apology with some comments on "whining" and what I mean by it...

Okay, so I haven't tracked, walked, or really been disciplined in a couple weeks plus.

Actually, I have only mentally tracked for months.

So, as an exercise in discipline for today--since what I need is to get that BACK, the discipline--I started tracking again. Today. With Breakfast: 480 cals. 27 carbs.

It was a weird feeling entering each item I ate and seeing the data add up. I spent over a year faithfully tracking, until it became burdensome, and I dropped it. Now, it feels nostalgic. I remember the 268 pound me really facing the long journey and deciding, okay, this is one tool. One.

I remember how much I learned using it, though it was a pain in the kiester, as a lot of things requiring faithfulness and discipline are.

I haven't weighed in days. I haven't even mentally tallied calories in days. I have felt such apathy and sadness. But today, I begin small. I track.

Ya know,  I feel a little better. Just doing this little old "diet discipline" thing made me remember. It was so much harder and sadder being morbidly obese. But I remember the drive and fear and hopefulness of my furiously intense tracking days. That was a good thing to remember. How much I wanted to


I apologize if I offended anyone with yesterday's post.

It wasn't meant to say we cannot gripe or whine on our blogs, which of course, that's one of the reasons for HAVING a blog, to be able to be ourselves. It's not meant to say our diet journeys don't matter. Health matters. It's meant to say we matter more than the diet, and other things matter more in perspective, so not to let our weights be the determinant of our being, our feelings, our outlook. That makes us slaves, in a way.

My feelings as blogged yesterday came from my observations of a certain distortion that can happen with diet bloggers: How a pound up can make folks feel worthless and like failures and the self-hate that follows. How that pound takes on a meaning beyond what it should have. The lack of perspective.

A needed vent, whine is therapeutic.

Speaking of some negative things: necessary.

When the whines go on and one, chronically, and the scale is master and lord, one's perspective surely can become screwed up. Badly screwed up. (Been there.)

My tracker, my scale, calculations of BMI, and so forth--these are tools. And they should never rule or define me. EVER. I told myself this in 2010, and I still tell myself this.

Morbidly obese me had as much value as not morbidly obese me.

But morbidly obese me couldn't move or feel as good or have the renewed dreams not obese me can, simply cause I have better ability to FUNCTION in my day to day. And the growth in self-worth isn't cosmetic. It's because I achieved something I wanted to. I wanted to NOT be obese. I wanted to become master of my food, not let food master me.

The previous post, partly born of depression, partly of frustration at the self-hating from the blogging sphere over failures, was meant to say, "Keep perspective." Hating ourselves (and in some cases out there hating OTHERS) for failing to meet slimming goals is counter-productive and, yes, adds to the negative power in the world. We need to cut that crap out.

Even as we learn to discipline ourselves, we need to forgive ourselves when we fail. Not for self-indulgence's sake--cause if there's anything we overeaters don't need is an excuse to self-indulge-- but for the sake of being humane in our journey. It's easy to lose that perspective.

 And when that number can ruin our day and alter our sense of self, we've lost perspective. It's time for a corrective at that point.

(It goes both ways. If a pound lost can make the radical sunshine reaction change in your day, like the pound gained can put a huge black cloud over it, there's some calibration issues with one's emotions. It's like the scale-mediated bipolar syndrome or something.)

So far, I haven't had a number ruin my day in a long while, though I may not like the number. Though it may not be my goal number. I look at the feedback and try to do better, but I refuse to be self-hating anymore about weight. I spent too many years--decades!--doing that. What did it get me? Diddly squat other than low self-esteem.

While I disagree with the Heath-At-Any-Size folks on some particulars--sorry, me at 300 and 400 and 500 pounds could hardly be called healthy, and I'm not buying that line--I do believe we ought to be loved, respected, and valued AT ANY SIZE. Even by ourselves. And that's really hard to do, but I believe it should be part of the program as we work on HEALTH and getting to different size.

Maybe we should ask about the motivations and the outcomes:

Is my whine/vent about a frustration? Is it about self-hate? Is it ongoing and fruitless? Is it therapeutic, a release?

These are questions I will ask myself. And maybe you should ask, too.

If whining is persistent and goes nowhere in terms of progress, internally and externally, then that whining is a mental rut or self-indulgence, the latter of which makes it a lack of virtue or, if really chronic, a character flaw , not a release or a vent.

For Christians, it would qualify as a sin, perhaps, at that point. Just take a tour of what Scripture has to say on whining, complaining, murmuring. It may apply. It may not. This requires self-examination.

With a caution: Just because a thing is "permissible", doesn't mean it's beneficial. That which makes you FEEL better for the moment may actually be keeping you from being built up into what you want to be.

I've been there; I know that where my mind and spirit abided, in times past--and I'm talking pre-2010-- were BAD places of much complaint and some despair and a whole lotta self-loathing. If it gets to that point, we who were told that no matter the situation"in everything, give thanks" need to cut that out. It's a command.

It's a simple fact to say, "I chose to eat X and it was off plan.  I feel sad about that. I feel frustrated and wanna SCREAM.  I'm considering why I made these decisions, in these situations, so maybe I can have strategies to better fit those temptations. Here's where maybe I went wrong and can do better, yadda X and yadda Y...  And though I feel sad, I know I can learn from this. I can do better. I won't let this cut me up and get to me. I will fix this somehow."

That's not whining. That's assessing. That's confessing. That's learning. That's keeping hope. That's  something that can lead to self-work that is productive, I think.

Whining--the whining I refer to, not the occasional vent--is when there's this sort of persistent sense of "woe is me" going on and on on a blog, a repetitive thing, a habitual thing:

...this thing happened and that thing happened and another thing happened and it's not my fault I overate cause I was stressed and then I got tempted by birthday cake and I couldn't resist and then my sister made this and I ate that and why do they tempt me and how come people don't support me and help me stay on my plan and then I went to get donuts cause my neighbor was mean to me again and really I'm just so lazy that I can't bring myself to walk which isn't my fault cause it's hot and there are mosquitoes and I get itchy, but I should go to the gym, but I didn't, cause the gym people stare and were smirking at me last time, and it's the worst, and I hate that I'm like this and I hate myself, and when I hate myself, I just wanna eat more...

I don't see how that helps much, other than the venting aspect, if for some that helps. And it may.

BUT, is it a pattern? Vent and vent and whine and whine and...then what? It can become another sort of addiction, maybe.  Addicted to the vent-whine and the pats on the back that can follow. The sympathy addiction.

Which helps precisely how?

I'm seriously asking that. If it helps, then do it. I can't say don't do something that is leading you down the right road, helping you make progress.

I just wonder at the follow-up: And then what.  Does it help? Does it really lead to progress? Or is it just about FEELING the moment. And fruit. A dead tree.

If it bears fruit and helps: do it.

If it has not helped and you're still stuck and whining: Please, find another way. It's a dead tree that can't nourish you. Why keep watering it?

So, if what I wrote yesterday hurt your feelings in any way, or sounded too bossy or critical,  I'm sorry. It was not meant to do that. It really was not.

(And I hope you were brave enough to read the story.)

Today,  I'm still fighting for joy and self-control and to be well...

You, keep fighting, too, and find joy, and be well, too.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Diet, Depression, Life Issues...and a reality check: It could be so,so,so much worse. And a very good story to prove it. And yes, a long, rambly thing to basically say...let's be good to each other....

Man, I had a seriously emotional day yesterday.

The last two days, I've had crying spells. They come, often, with these mild depressions. Crying and acne. Tells me there's a chemical thing going on, cause I haven't had acne since menopause hit, and there are zits on my chin and jaw. It's the hormonal wackiness that brings me the blues.

 Interestingly, with the deep clinical depressions I've had, the suicidal ideation or "life is not worth living at all" ones, it's more a sort of mini-death of apathy and lying around and stuffing with food and books for sensation and escape, with spurts of outbursts of tears, but mostly silence.

With milder depressions, it's more ongoing low-level weepyness and thoughts of low-self worth, but I want to talk about it. To self. To God. To Hubby. Not silent like deep depressions.

It's not something I like to talk about, this weakness of mine. I hid this from friends and family for decades as best I could, because who wants to be downer? Who wants to show this pathetic side?

Well, here it is.  The self-absorption of depressives is a non-pretty thing.

Depression--mild, middling, or deep-- makes us lose perspective.

When I'm depressed, I read. I read to escape. Have since childhood. To get away from body, feelings, and go somewhere else.

Yesterday, I read one of the Nebula Award nominated stories--"The Man Who Ended History: A Documentary" by Ken Liu.

The awards were announced last weekend. I'd been meaning to read the nominees since I saw the  list, but, well, you know, it got put off. At first, I was taken by the physics premise --I had seen a program with an astrophysicist who discussed this particular quantum phenomenon, and I thought it would make a great premise for a story and had been pondering it myself.

But then the main part of the story took me to a very painful place.

The story takes as inspiration some really awful things that happened in China during its war with the Japanese in the 1930s. And it also takes some points from the work/life/death of Iris Chang, who wrote about the Rape of Nanking (yet another horror from that time). Do not read this story if you don't have a tolerance of sorts for the truth about what humans do.

Or maybe read it and let yourself be shredded a bit. It might be therapeutic.

I'm one of those people who took YEARS before I could watch SCHINDLER'S LIST, and then was sick for a week after, crying and having bad dreams. I remember the first time I saw a drama about the holocaust (it was on TV in the 70s and had Meryl Streep and James Woods in it, though I forget the exact name). I went and puked and had to stop watching. When I saw NICHOLAS AND ALEXANDRA as a 12 or 13 year old, I went home, fell on the floor, and just bawled. And for 2 weeks after, whenever I thought about the execution scene, I'd start bawling again.

When I read stories of child abuse or horrors in the paper, I start weeping. I sometimes can't get it out of my head for weeks. There's one man I still pray for, years later, who had been imprisoned falsely. I keep praying his life now is happy and makes up for it. When I first read about Darfur (long before the Hollywood elite got wind of it, cause charitable channels and Christian agencies were alerting folks about it), I gave, then gave again, because how could you not? When you read about famines, don't you want to send food? When you read about a disaster, don't you want to help send aid?

And when you read about atrocities, you are ashamed to be a human who whines about petty issues.

So, that's the context. I get really upset at the stuff we humans do that seems unbelievable...unthinkable.

Part of why when I was younger and before my health crashed major time, I volunteered a lot. Sometimes, it overwhelms you and you want to add some good to the stew that's this world.

Okay, so I'm mildly depressed and I read a story about the sorts of things we do to each other that will make the strongest man bawl.

I bawled. For hours. I prayed, for hours. I begged God to make us stop doing that. To not let us do it again.

I know, a naive prayer.

If you never heard of Unit 731--and I had prior to this, which hurts me even more as I'm a Japanophile--you should read it.  If you never heard of the Rape of Nanking, you should inform yourself. But have a strong stomach.

Just like we should know about the Cambodian killing fields, the Holocaust, the Rwandan civil war, our own  history with the natives, with Africans, with (add your own category of huge oppression). We should know it, because we have to want to NOT repeat it. And it starts with each of us. Whether it's the German Nazis, Japanese Imperialists, slave traders, Stalinists, Mao's cultural revolution, North Korea's dictators--humans are prone to become twisted in some shocking ways. You and I.

That Japanese soldier at Nanking could brother, your son, your or my husband. We're made of the same thing. It's awful to contemplate that WE are capable of THAT. Me.

And it's a corrective to perspective.

When we get all worked up over what we ate or didn't exercise or the scale is up one or five pounds, it tends to look amazingly stupid in the face of REAL problems.

Allan used to do this time and again during his diet posting. Link to a mother with a sick child or a woman with a dire illness. Perspective.

Hard as it may be for some of us, dieting and exercise, it's  paltry thing, a minor inconvenience, in the face of what goes on every day in the world.

Put it in perspective. Let's not whine too much about it. We do it, or we don't do it. and in the end, we can lose the proper viewpoint. Let's be healthful and live good live, because some folks can't. Let's eat properly, because some can't. Let's honor our bodies, because very easily, with a twist of fate, we could be having our bodies' honor ripped from us by men turned to beasts.

You think the folks at the World Trade Center, facing a decision to jump or die in flames, worried about being overweight? No. They wanted to be with the people they loved, living normal lives. They'd want peace.

This is a downer of a post. But read the story. Remember. Say a prayer for peace. And put the diet and exercise and scale and food thing into perspective. We are able to overcome--food and sloth and self-hate and self-destruction--and we are able to overcome the base part o fus that makes things like what are depicted in that story-based-on-truth possible. We have the ability to be BETTER. To not look down on each other, hate each other, laugh and ridicule each other, dehumanize each other. Not for being fat, or for being different in all sorts of ways.

Every blog that spews hate on dieters or anyone adds to the beast that results in killing fields. It starts small and grows big. Small words of disdain become large propaganda schemes that end up piling people into camps.

Dehumanization does this. When you stop seeing your neighbor as the same as you. As worthy as you of respect and sympathy.

Let's not dehumanize, even in this small, minor thing that is dieting, so small in the grand scheme. Even in this, let's show mercy and love.

I read about The Transfiguration last night in two Bibles and  in my devotion. That's what I want. To shine. To be the better me. We have glory inside us and glory ahead of us, if we choose it.  I gotta go find my joy again, and I thank the story for slapping me with truth and perspective. I must grasp and be grateful for my life; I owe it to the ones who had theirs stolen.

Now, go be kind to someone, including yourself. Spread the good. There's never enough good. 

Be well...