This is a big uptick, and my first challenge no-loss weigh-in. Worse. Gain weigh-in. (But know this: Yesterday, the scale said 243.0. Yes...even more.)
Interestingly, there was only one Eff-Up meal. ONE. Yes. ONE. Let me just copy and paste from my email to Beth of Obesity Strike blog, that eloquent lovely in BritLand, who was kindly concerned about my blogging absence yesterday. (Not due to any major freaking. I had a family event, and I was gone from shortly after getting up to almost 11 pm, by which time I wanted to lie on the couch and have hubby rub my feet while I tried to make up for not drinking enough water.) Here:
Friday night--I had the delayed freak from the weigh-in and ate an insane amount at dinner. Not insane in quantity--was not stuffed at all. Insane cause somehow the French have a way of concentrating calories. 1.5 cup of a creamy soup, a vegetarian entree that was miniscule, but drenched, clearly, in EVOO and butters. And half of my husband's decadent dessert. I'm guessing 2000 cals, once the breadsticks and bean appetizer are factored in. Scary. I really was very upset by that weigh-in and think I went into "fuck it, I'm eating" mode.
But yesterday, I only messed up on not enough water....
We had a very lovely time at a sublime Christmas concert. We had a wee walk on Miracle Mile in Coral Gables in the cool night. Trees with twinkly lights, people having fun, giggling girls, toddler, old couples. Nice. Lots of smooching at a sidewalk French bistro's for me and hubby between bites/slurps. Very charming and romantic.
But, part of my control, yes, I felt it slip. Then a bit more. I started fine (breakfast and lunch were excellent and left me 500 cals for dinner at 1200). Water was too much for my UTI bladder. We had to duck into a fast food restaurant for me to pee half-way through the drive to the venue. (Ugh, traumatic bathroom experience, nasty) At Miracle Mile, I had walked past the bistro after seeing a really unsuitable limited menu. Very oil/cream/butter rich stuff. But hubby got stabbed in the brain by a sniff of the goodies and the look of his face was control-slip-number-one.
Okay, I said. We sat. (First big mistake.)
I tried to find stuff I wanted and was not bad. Every soup was creamy or cheesy. I asked the waiter which soup would have the least fat/cream. Fine, bring that one....
Every salad was cheesy or meaty or creamy or oily. No salad as I was having the vegetarian entree, anyway. Yes, the only entree that looked like it might suit--the vegetarian one--was what I ordered, though not exactly what I wanted. I did not order dessert or the nice 3-course offerins (soup/entree/dessert) cause then I'd order dessert.
Little by little, I just felt something in my head start blooming. Control slipping. I ordered decaf. Had three cups. Asked for extra glasses of water.
Well, whatever. As described in my email excerpt: diet fail.
Yesterday, I was gone all day. I knew the event (bowling party then home party) would have a trigger food: pizza. I made an egg white scramble with some part-skim mozzarella, fresh basil, chopped tomato and I had a leftover half of a multigrain bagel, scooped out, that I added some of the chopped tomato, some of the 1/4 cup I used of mozzarella, some basil, some garlic, and tried to give myself the diet-pizza vibe without the pizza calories. To satiate my mouth a bit with flavors, so I could resist.
I did. I had NONE Of the two pizzas. I took an apple, two slices reduced cheese and a snack bag of high-fiber, low-cal crackers. That was my lunch, with water and decaf. Good thing, as this bowling alley has NOT ONE diet-friendly item on the menu. NOT ONE. Not one salad. Everything is a diet bomb: burgers, fries, hot dogs, pizza, chicken tenders, nachos.
I bowled 2 hours non-stop (I took two spots on the roster so I kept moving). And I never sat down for 2 hours. My family kept asking me to sit down between turns, and I said, no, burn more calories standing up. I jumped around. I danced with the kids.
The family then moved to brother's home for the dinner/cake part of the festivities. I pit-stopped at a nearby Japanese place and got vegetable sushi, steamed gyoza, salad and green tea to go. (Hubby got chicken teriyaki and brown rice, so I had the grilled veggies he didn't like: zucchini, onions.) I had no cake. Instead, 2 strawberries dipped in fat-free whipped cream (niece is dieting, hence the option). Then I picked up a clave and my brother the maracas we had a mini pachanga, singing to Christmas carols to a salsa beat while dancing and making noise. (Family tradition: for Nochebuena, we take bags full of percussion instruments and just jam and dance and make a happy, celebratory noise to salsa tunes.)
Played scrabble. Had ONE chocolate kiss. Went home. Drank coconut water and regular water. Watched anime a bit with hubby. Dozed off on couch.
Today, I finally had a breather to consider Friday's debacle at dinner. I really do think that not seeing any loss after such a controlled eating, lower calorie week hurt me internally more than I had even realized. It really put me close to an all-out binge.
(Believe it or not, those 2000 or so calories was not even CLOSE to a binge. My stomach was not stuffed in the least. It was a small amount of very concentrated fatty calories. The veggie plate was, literally, 1 portabello mushroom cap, 1/4 cup spinach which I shared with hubby, 1 artichoke heart, 1/4 cup wild rice, and one tablespoon each of beet coulis, red pepper coulis, sweet potato whipped, yukon potato whipped with anise or fennel. That's it. I could have held most of it in the palm of my hand. hahahah. It all tasted primo, very nicely done, but miniature servings.)
I'm going back to more "goal weight" level. I can take disappointing losses if I eat that way. If I eat at 1200 and don't get significant drops (2+ pounds) a week, I will freak. I saw a small gain afer eating at an average of about 1300 cals a day. I did not handle it well at all, it seems. I thought I was okay. I was not.
My inner dieter is apparently 13 years old.
Dang. I don't care that most is bloat. I don't care. I hate that number.
It was hard emailing Allan with a GAIN. (Ugh) So, reset button, fresh week, fresh start.
Onward, with hope and resolve:
1/2 cup egg whites made into omelette withorganic goodies: 1.5 oz feta, 1 cup chopped tomatoes , 1/2 cup chopped red bell peppers, 1/2 cup strips of Cubanelle peppers, fresh oregano, dried oregano, salt, pepper.
1/2 teaspoon of olive oil that I smeared on non-stick pan
1/2, scooped, multigrain bagel with 1 tbsp organic neufchatel and 2 tsp Dalfour Four Fruits spread
2 cups coffee
6 glasses water
fluids: 64 oz