Tanita-San: 182.2 , so a bit of bloat down, but I know no real loss.
Okay, two things coming up this weekend.
1. We're planning to hit Fort Lauderdale for an art exhibit, and that means eating out at least ONE meal. I will be doing a lot of googling to find a sound eatery within walking distance of the museum or one within short driving distance that offers a venue for a walk (like, well, Riverwalk or the broadwalk). The reason: post-meal, or pre-meal, we can get some movement in. I also need to check online menus and PICK my food before I go. I plan to go armed with a list in my purse: acceptable venues, acceptable items on the menu.
This has to be my strategy, cause my willpower is in a less than ideal place.
2. Sister (eldest) is having her birthday gathering Sunday. I know some of the stuff my sisses are making (gluten free meatballs/pasta like they did for my birthday, pigeon peas and rice with pork). It's up to me to make something/bring something that is more diet friendly. I can take a fruit salad or platter, a veggie salad or platter, or both. Middle sis suggested a Spanish omelette, but I may save that for Easter. There will be enough protein, sounds like, and starch. I do best in these tempting family events when I go armed with my own goodies and think ahead about what to have and not have.
Last year, these things were a cinch, pretty much. This year, right now, I'm in a less warrior head-place, and I gotta have some dang good planning.
When I was deep into my diet mojo near the beginning of my journey, I often simply refused to eat out or do stuff that had temptations. But family events, I always had to plan and work around, and mostly (except for last holiday season, when I didn't stick to the lower rung of the caloric levels) did really well. I want to have that sort of food poise again. Where food was not a draw, where activity and conversation and people were what I focused on. Gotta do that again. Let food be background noise. Eat, enjoy it, but not let it be a factor that has any control over me.
It's a good place to be. Food Poise. This girl needs it! It makes life so much easier to just walk gracefully by that buffet or banquet or burger stand.
I haven't lost it all, but it's bobbling some with the cravings. I plan to get it back. Where food is...not even a mosquito buzz. Just something there I can ignore until it's needed. :D Not wanted. NEEDED.
But life's pleasure also includes eating out, so I have to make compromises. Going out to do stuff with hubby away from home means eating out, even with snacks in my purse as a standby. I don't plan to be a hermit ordering crap food to binge on. I plan to do fun stuff and do what I did half of 2010 and almost nearly all of 2011: Eat out with composure and sound choices and with JOY.
The word which God has written on the brow of every man is Hope.
VICTOR HUGO, Les Misérables
I'm in recovery mode in a lot of ways.
1. Ate way more than I planned to or wanted to at my birthday party. Unlike last year, I had double servings. In all, I ended up at around 2600 calories.
2. I have hit the salty stuff again. Been craving feta and olives. Yeah...
3. Am still in all-over joint pain, and am angry about it.
4. Just am angry in general and feeling really betrayed by my body --again, since this is an old story with me and my defective body. I first wanted to kill myself when I was 9, and I hated my sickly body then. Today, I'm fighting the hate...again.
Tanita-san was 183.4 after my birthday. It's 181.6 today.
And last night, I think I hit a crisis in all this. Like at 2:30 in the AM, in bed, I had this passing, lightly voiced though: "I wish I could close my eyes and not open them again."
It startled me into wakefulness and I jostled hubby to talk. (poor dear man) He prayed over me, we talked. I was able to sleep after that, but I felt sad. I felt like the wonderful, happy, energetic, motivated, cheery, "getting healthy" me was just evaporating and the old crap depressed, unmotivated, apathetic, self-hating me was reimposiging. Like when You see one body fade out in Star Trek and another fade in the transporter. I felt this overwhelming fear of getting older and sicker and all this work being for naught.
I fear that it's a losing a battle.
Then I try to rah-rah myself out of those thoughts.
Then they come back.
Pom-poms. Dark thoughts. Forced smile. Dark thoughts....
I have this Jekyll/Hyde thing going on. I work myself up into some motivation, but then it fades and I mope around wanting to do nothing. I tell myself I'm gonna get better, then the pain in my body and the lack of vim reminds me that even with all the sacrifices, hard work, costly foods, costly trainer, when it comes down to it, I'm defective, and my body will turn around and whack me on the head when I least expect it. Betrayal. I'm sick of that shit.
And then I get angry again.
Anyway, today, instead of dragging and moping out of bed, I turned on the radio when the alarm went off. I put on a Christian show and forced myself to focus on positive, healing things. I stayed in bed for an hour, sometimes talking to my body, sometimes begging it to stop hurting and heal up.
I need patience. I need to remember that I've felt WORSE. I've been lower. I think of those much worse off, pray for THEM and feel bad for being so self-absorbed and selfish. But, eventually, nothing brings one's thoughts back to oneself than a body part letting itself be known as malfunctioning.
I figure Lent begins today, and what I want to give up for Lent is the pattern of self-absorbed self-pity. To acquire patience and wait until my thyroid normalizes. If the pains remain, then know it's time to see the rheumatologist. To accept that aging brings this crap to many of us, and I'm no exception. To know it would be worse had I not done what I've done for 1 1/2 years--the right stuff.
I have not lost hope. But I feel this ugly slide that seems beyond my control, the body doing stuff to the mind. Happens.
So, yeah, back to routine. I can't walk or exercise like I had been, so I just find what I CAN do--even if it's finding that chair exercise show/DVD. Even if it's taking "marching in place" breaks when I'm on the puter. Even if it's isometric. Even if it's just arm stuff when I'm watching tv. Something. Push the apathy aside and do it for my good.
I'm gonna try to figure out how to Vlog, as I think maybe trying something new will be helpful. I'm sure I'm not videogenic, and this is a bit anxiety-provoking for me, the gal who always used to avoid cameras (had no photographer at my wedding, for instance). But, I got an iPhone for my birthday (lost my old phone the day before, so the timing was great), and I might as well learn to use it for blogging and self-development. :D
Some of the first pics taken with my camera:
This is the actual initial photo:
Decaf and water before food,
and you can see I didn't really fix up my hair!
We ended at a diner that's open late, since we got out of the mall just after 10pm with my new phone. They have a huge, multi-laminated-page menu, but I flipped right to the salad page, which is across from the low-carb page:
I had the "Greek" with chicken...
Just took some new pics:
I had my typical breakfast, and was grateful to have it and enjoy it and be filled by it. (yep, thankfulness is part of my "rehab"). I'm doing this update as I drink my second cup o' joe...and now it's time for vitamins:
Yummy java is gone, watermelon
and vitamins to go!
As I sit here typing, uploading, sipping, I'm looking at my feet and they are like a the visual objective correlative" to my emo-state:
Unpedicured: A bad sign!
Here's the deal: Anyone who has read my blogs for years and has seen pics of my weigh-in feet or feet in general knows I always have pedicured feet. Red or pinky red or warm orangey reds or deep burgundies, but usually a pretty red. Siren red being my fave types. Rich, deep, sexy reds.
Those toes have no red. My toes have been UNred for nearly two weeks. This hasn't happened in years. Seriously, the only time my nekkid toenails see the light of day is the hour or so it takes to take off polish, cut, file, buff, neaten cuticles, etc, before the next layering of polish goes on. Naked toenails says A LOT about how I've been feeling.
Not red = blue.
Red is my happy color. I've used my red bags and shoes more lately to try to cheer myself up, but I haven't mustered up the energy to do my toes (I do my own feet.) It makes me sad to see naked toes. I need to get to it...who knows? Might help. Red toes = joy.
I do still put red on my lips. Some of my birthday splurge haul:
One of these things is not like the others...
L'Absolu NOT!
Yeah, I got some red lippies. A couple of Nars glosses, a Lancome L'Absolu Nu lipstick in "Red Chiffon" and a cheapo one--a Revlon "Just Bitten" lipstain with balm from the drugstore-- in "Flame".
I can't wear eye makeup (allergies), so I tend to go nuts with lipstick and blushers. And I love red variations--more than coppers, browns, plums, mauves, pinks, corals, oranges, peaches. I love red! And I look good in red. :D The Nars run $25 each and the Lancome is $29, so these are PRICEY!!!!!!!!!!!! I got two of my very fave Nars glossses (Misbehave, Scandal). Because I was made so happy by the Lancome Rouge Absolute that I got for Christmas (I posted a pic back then), I decided to try this somewhat cooler and a lot sheerer red in the new line.
Sucks. Sucks bad. My perfectly smooth, spoiled with care lips began cracking and peeling within hours. Yeah, thanks...$29 bucks for an allergic reaction.
I searched online and saw a few comments from other reviewers that this particular lipstick (line?) caused dryness and reactions. So, I recommend if you even considered this crazy expensive lippie: STAY WAY. Repeat after me, "L'Absolutely NOT!"
Get the Rouge Absolute if you want a great, creamy, beautiful, sexy red. :D
I'm returning it to Sephora. First return EVER to that store. This lipstick sucked.
Oh, and on a note for previous update: I tried on the dress Sunday, but hubby and I were rushing to leave for my party and no pics got taken. But no progress, obviously, and a little retrograde movement, as the zipper went higher than first pic on the initial E2E post, but lower than second pic I took a couple weeks back. Which makes sense as I had gone UP some onTanita-San....
I wish I had taken birthday pics. Sigh. None to share.
The Dress, Not Me..
I had a beautiful, girly, Nine West floral dress that was really loose at size 16 (my challenge dress is a too snug on top Nine West size 14). I got lots of compliments and my BIL said I was looking like a teenager again. (Mad exaggeration, but I think after decades of seeing me hiding in black and navy, seeing me in a bright, bright summer dress with red flats --knees and toe wouldn't let me wear the red heels I'd originally planned--and red beads must have been eye-shocking to him.)
It was an intentional strategy to work on "upping" my mood. I went in a blaze of glory of colors....my lips were so shiny, planes may have been diverted by accident by the startling reflection.
Well, it helped. Never underestimate the power of color. For a while, it was cheering.
So, a long and sort of episodic update. Things are not good. Things will get better.
I don't necessarily plan to update a lot, or visit blogs much--sorry!-- so I wanted to make sure to have my say in this one. I want to spend more time meditating and reading Scripture and praying and looking at the stars and enjoying the explosion of flowers in my garden and just remembering to HOPE and BELIEVE that this, too, shall pass.
Because nothing is worse than giving in to the dark.
Light ....light is where it's at.
Okay, I'm off to have more water and shower and be presentable to get my organic goodies. And if my energy holds out, hubby has offered to take me to a newish local spot for "out of the ordinary" performers to see...
"Free Jazz". It's an experience and not the general "cuppa tea". But hubby and I did the jazz concert thing a lot in our dating and newlywed days. I have mighty romantic associations with Jaco Pastorius, Chick Correa, Larry Carlton, Gato Barbieri, Jeff Lorber with Kenny G, Paco de Lucia, et al.
If my energy is up for it--it's until 11:30 pm and it is a worknight for my tootsie--it might be something to help with this tide-turning endeavor of mine. Who knows what odd "free" sounds might do to the chemicals and the brain, yes? Vibrations are mighty things..and music is potent stuff.
Okay, peace out. :)
Be well...I'm working on it....
And the quotes for this challenge:
"The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term is the indispensable prerequisite for success."
~Maxwell Maltz
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I am on increased meds, so excuse the rambliness of major proportions, should it show up. :)
This was an emotional week. A few reasons:
1. Since the weekend, the asthma/allergies have started getting worse. August is a notorious month for me (September, too). A month that often saw me in the emergency room in the past (before I became better controlled with a battery of Rx's), often saw me with bad sinusitis, bronchitis, nosebleeds, visits to docs, steroids,e tc. So, doing Pilates this week has been hard. I've even teared up today in frustration at not being able to breathe deeply or control my breathing. My walks have been at a slower pace (no sprinting or superwalking), because my respiration can't keep up. But I'm trying to stay active.
2, Sunday, the family (sans eldest sis who was visiting with ill relatives and friends) got together. Mood up. Tuesday was the first month marking of my nephew's death. Mood way down. Yesterday was the 13th anniversary of my father's death. Sad. But my sisters and I, and my niece (the one whose brother just died) and grandniece (her papa is the one who died) got together to put flowers at the cemetery and have lunch and talk. This was good. But there were some teary moments. And today is my big brother's (well, the youngest of the 3 big brothers) birthday. Glad he's alive and well (though he's asthmatic/allergic-sufferer, too, so we congest together). Up and down and up and down.
3. Appetite has been higher, no longer superzen. This is a combo of the stress from the breathing, the mood shifts, and who knows, maybe the extra fruits I'd been having since last week. Scale is still higher than my lowest weigh-in, and the lack of adequate sleep is making things worse. Oh, yeah, that does make me hungry, forgot that. Not sleeping. (This is partly the meds, partly the trying to shift to earlier hours.) It will sort out, but it means it's tough to portion meals and it's a struggle.
On the plus side:
~I'm still trying to move at a good level against the breathing odds. Makes me feel...powerful...to not give in. :D
~I'm not focusing constantly on the stressful negatives, but actively focusing on what's good and making "thanksgiving breaks" during the day when I focus on and thank God for the great stuff in my life. I am blessed in so many ways.
~While we ate out yesterday--at Ruby Tuesday's--I had salad bar (1 and a half plates of all the non-starchy veggies plus some egg and a couple tablespoons of the chopped ham for protein. Drank my water, decaf, iced tea. Kin had a fried/butter-drenched extravaganza. And when everyone else had the chocolate lava cake with ice cream and tiramisu, right in FRONT OF MY FACE, I didn't touch a single crumb/spoonful. I just sipped my coffee and averted my eyes when tiramisu flew around. ; )
~Been really tired, tired, tired in the evenings (lack of sleep, adrenal exertions from the meds increase), but still am fixing hubby his three bento boxes' worth of healthy lunches before I go to bed and making sure he has his breakfast stuff--which sometimes means scrambling his eggs ahead of time so he can nuke em warm, or making gluten-free hotcakes (he can have starch, since he's a metabolic burner!) with no-sugar homemade fruit compote, etc. He and I really love the EASY LUNCHBOXES system I got him last week and we started using this week. It's a positive, cause I'm keeping up with NOT caving to crap, even when exhausted. I force myself to the grocery store; I make myself make the lunches. I make sure we have produce galore. Big plus. Big lifestyle change from the gal who just would call for delivery crap when tired.
As far as the EASY LUNCHBOXES: a dream for us. Three boxes fit in the bag, and it zips and is easy to carry. Works great. He gets two meals and one box full of snacks (nuts, Larabar, hummus with carrot sticks, cheese n apple slices, etc.
I won a set from Katie J's blog (thanks, Katie!) and that should arrive soon. This way, we'll each have our own bento system, which is lovely, as when we have to take food for BOTH OF US to avoid temptations when out and about, that will simplify matters. And they have a great page with pics of REAL lunches and ideas. They do need more low-carb, Paleo, Primal, Gluten Free example pics! Maybe I'll snap one these days of hubby's threesome. ; )
No BPA. And though the lids are made for kids to be easy pop open (not Tupperware supertight), I just use rubber bands to secure stuff that might spill and use Press n Seal for when I use cottage cheese/yogurt/mooshy-smooshy-semi-solid--oozey stuff.
I have the bags in olive and aqua, and won a system with a dark red bag. The newest color is the pink, I think, and young girls, as we know, loveth the pink. With my three bags and 8 containers--and they have nice colorful lids--I'm REALLY set. I fill them at night, put the whole bag in the fridge, and hubby just has to grab 'n go in the AM when he's ready to head out for the office. Then he puts the whole bag in the fridge at work. :D EASY!
It's a great TOOL to make sure you think about what to eat and plan for balanced, healthful, non-crap meals. If you're a dieter who works, really, get some sort of brown-bagging or bento system. Makes things easier. And making stuff is as simple as cooking extra at dinner (or lunch or breakfast) and saving it for the next day. And some things I pack are so easy and don't require cooking for hubby: nuts, fruit, cottage cheese, salads with deli meat, etc. If you like yogurt, you can make a whole great snack in one bento, make your main lunch food in another, and not have to give in to office-crap temptations.
Speaking of stuff that makes lunches easier: Anyone try those gluten-free, no soy or assorted weird stuff alternate to regular sandwich wraps, PURE WRAPS? If you have, review it or link me up to your review of it. And where did ya get it? Thanks.
Anyway, if the weather is benevolent--and August/September in Miami is not the most benevolent of times for exercisers being outdoors--I will have my walk and that will make for almost 1.5 hours of exercise for the day. I may not be able to go all-out while I have congestion issues, but I can do something. And so can you!
I wish all my fellow fatfighters well today. If you're struggling like me to get back down the scale and find your full-behemoth mojo again, let's egg each other on. No quitting. Ever!
Sorry to have just not been able to blog--or keep up with emails for that matter lately. We have our last evening of prayers (the novena of prayers) tonight. Tomorrow, I take a rest day from driving!
My sister is, as you can imagine, still in a bad way, but having dozens of folks surrounding her and praying with her every evening helps. We had a co-worker of my BIL come and do a short preaching segment on the hope in Christ for those who have lost loved ones (ie, the resurrection hope, hope of reunification in Paradise, etc).
I'm holding on. Have not exercised in 2.5 weeks, but am ready to resume Friday. My schedule will be semi-normal (I will still have a couple hours of driving, things with docs I put off, things with sisters/family.)
My eldest sis (who lost her son) is now exhibiting some disturbing cardiac symptoms (stress can't help). She'd been ill prior to his death--lupus is tentative diagnosis--and now the heart is being affected by the stress. So, well, it's hard.
I held on weight-wise. Got on the scale today: 188.2 No gain. A smidgen loss since this awfulness struck. Yes, fighting cravings is hard some days. Food is still and always will be a comfort lure. But I take my snacks with me where I go, stop in at supermarkets and get fruit and nuts and cold cuts if I have to, and drink my fluids.
And stress has been increased by the big layoffs at hubby's company. He's still there (the first round of dismissals are being done), and I pray he will continue to be employed. This means I have to reassess my Pilates. A bit of belt-tightening can't hurt.
I will say that despite my grief, stress, exercise interruptions, etc, I'm really proud I did not gain a pound. I would have before. I gained nearly 40 pounds the months my mom was dying. I've always gained weight in stressful situations since my teen years. I'm a stress/depression eater. I'm an emo-eater. This time, I used other comforts--hugs, classical music, religious radio programming, praying.
The battle goes on.
I hope that in the coming week I can be here more and regain momentum for some loss. Although, I will be honest, I feel really good where I'm at. If I never lost another pound, but held onto what I have and exercised to keep my muscle, I'd be fine. I really am in a good place weightwise and energywise and I think getting fitter helped me handle this better than I could have morbidly obese and unfit. I thank God I worked hard to get here.
I still want to get to goal (or very close). I think for my health, it's a worthy thing. But I did realize these two weeks that I 'm quite happy at 188, oddly. I thought I'd have to be in the 170s to be fine with my weight, but here I am. Oddly content.
But I still have my goals and I'm not surrendering. I want to discover new things about myself (though having even looser skin is something of a mental impediment, I know).
Anyway, I hope all the Slimmer This Summer Challengers are doing well. Forgive me for not checking up on y'all /commenting. I'll be able to do more next week, as life begins to get to a new, sadder, but more normal place.
Thank you so much, you lovely internet supporters, visitors, and pals, for your condolences. Thank you from my heart.
Sorry. I'm just not mentally able to be here daily....
My beloved nephew died Saturday. He never regained consciousness after his kidneys failed, the cardiac arrest, the coma...
My sister and the rest of us are heartbroken and, well...it sucks.
The memorial is tomorrow.
I have spent all my time at the hospital or with the sis. I did stay home today to catch up on sleep, have clean clothes for the memorial service, pay bills, take vitamins and eat regular food so I don't get sick from stress, etc.
I have been unable to exercise, but I did resist the endless array of Cuban traditional and junk food (cheese and guava pastries, fried meat patties, battered-fried steak, ham croquettes, arroz imperial, pork rinds, sugary coffee drinks) and American junk food (KFC, McDs) that people came around with. I took veggie platters and fruit&cheese trays and carried my nut butters/protein bars and sugar-free beverages. I battled the insane desire to devour croissants by the dozen or jump into a vat of macaroni and cheese soup every time I got decaf coffee and salads at the hospital's Au Bon Pain. It was tough--I had raging comfort food cravings. I resisted. I have not gained weight.
Some relatives who came from out of town or hadn't seen me in a year did not recognize me. Walked right by or saw me sitting right there and still asked, "Where's Mirtika?" Others asked for diet advice. A lot. I got that a lot. It's very disconcerting, I've found, to be wildly complimented over and over when you are breaking down into tears all the time. But, I know it was kindly meant.
Today, after getting some needed rest and sleeping finally free of stress nightmares, I had a calm appetite return.Tomorrow's post-memorial family feast will be dealt with. I got through the worst. If I can NOT stress-eat at this awful time, clearly, I've changed. I can deal with any sort of food crap sitting for hours in front of my face. I wish I hadn't had to learn that, though, not like this.
I don't know when I'll check in again...cause I really need to be with family and my sis now (no computer/wi-fi at her house, she's a 70 year old tech-phobe). Fortunately, we're a close family, and we don't have to mourn solo....there's dozens of folks in and out, bringing comfort. It's at this time you are grateful the previous generation reproduced mightily.
I hope everyone out there is well. Please continue to hold and kiss and appreciate your loved ones while they are here. Take nothing for granted. Tomorrow--or the next minute--is not guaranteed.
And get healthy. For them.
Thank you for your kind comments and thank you for your prayers. He is with God now, my nephew, but I am so grateful for your comforting words and thoughts on our behalf. Please pray for my sister and BIL , who have the haunted eyes of parents who--like most parents-- never expected to have to bury their son.
Okay, eating normally again. No weird cravings. No over-the-top appetite. Good. I like to be in this zone. Oh, and I want some more java. Mmm.
Anyway, I've been distracted by wanting to swim (pool not open for night swimming on Fri-Sun, bummer). Only a kiddie pool in my near future (ie, tomorrow's family get-together).
I am supposed to bring pico de gallo to the fajitas party. I plan to take fruit as well, maybe some other veggie/crudites, so I have enough of my own stuff to eat. I'll be taking my bathing suit for sun-fun. Maybe take a frisbee.
I've also been distracted by the new anime season. Summer animes on parade. So far, I've only gotten excited by Kami-sama no Memo-chou. It's got that "weirdly reclusive genius short girl who looks way younger than real age" with "normal nice boy" thing going like GOSICK, which I loved. I cried buckets at the bittersweet romantic ending last week. Sniff. Sniff. I was happy to see Kujo and Victorica end up together. Even if she looks all of 8. hahahah
Anyway, KamiChou (for short, and the title means Memo Pad of the Gods) has enough quirky characters and mystery stuff with weird-butt theorizing by said genius-girl to keep me happy. Plus, I'm all about the hikikomoris. I don't know why. Like my thing for albinos, I got a hermit/recluse thing. Maybe cause I've had my hermit-lifestyle issues. (Like not knowing my car got crashed into in the 90's until a neighbor told me I was at risk for a towing since it was damaged days before. My longest streak of not going outdoors was like 21 days without so much as stepping through the threshold.)
Plus I qualify as a NEET. So, there ya go. (If you never watched the faboo Higashi No Eden, which also featured NEETs, do so. Terrific anime and I enjoyed the follow-up OVAs as well.)
I will say that for lovers of Bishies, Uta no Prince-Sama (Princes of Song) has them galore. I'm all about the sexy Japanese voices, and that's the only reason I bothered trying this one's first episode. LOADS of Bishies, some very nice voices, and I like the total whack-job head of the school, former idol Shining Saotome. If all schools had ceremonies that entertainingly odd, students would be happier, I say.
Anyone who watches it has to have a high tolerance for cheesy J-pop boy band tunes, though. Like, um, the opening theme, highlighted as the track for this teaser:
The voice on the long-lighter-haired, tall, forelock across bridge of nose, "Prince-ish" rich dude is hot.
It's not gonna win any awards, I'm guessing. Animes based on SIM games usually suck monkey butt.
But, hey, voices/bishies/bad songs. One can have fun.
My fave in the "it's heartwarming and I loved the manga to start with" category is USAGI DROP. Oh, that manga made my heart go all peachfuzzy warm. And the anime is doing the same. They kept a nice sort of...tone...mood. The colors, the minimalist, air-filled feel of some scenes, some like a watercolor from a slice-of-life storybook. The emotion that is low-keyed in its depiction, but hits your heart like a bullet of condensed-humanity--that's my kind of stuff, too. I 'm not just about weirdos and over-the-top theories and big fights and such. I love emotion, real people-ish stuff, too. Man, I'm gonna get all weepy just thinking about how much I wanna adopt Rin myself! Sniff.
I also enjoyed NATUSUME YUUJINCHOU-SAN, and didn't realize this is a third season of an ongoing story. I liked the first episode for the atmosphere. There is this sort of level of nostalgia (the past plays a big part, yes) and burdens inherited from one's kin/parents/society. There is humor. Nice animation. Interesting spirit-beings. I'll have to check out the other two seasons FIRST, then catch up to this season. And after the awfulness of the UTA opening song, this off-key singing in the opening theme is kinda charming for its earnestness:
Didn't you just love the big White Mask spirit threatening the smaller ones? He's like a mix of a BLEACH Hollow and that plaintive spirit in Miyazaki's brilliant SPIRITED AWAY (my fave Miyazaki film). I totally fell into cute-love with the tiny teacup spirit who does a very beautiful (foreshadowed) thing. Made me feel heart-warm again (after Usagi Drop blasted my heart into the oven).
We're set up to watch episode 1 of Kamisama Dolls soon (and I heard it's weird, like "whoever did it was on crack" weird). I am willing to give crack-weird anime at least a look-see. :D I'm skipping the girl-love (YURU YURI) and boy-love ones (forget name), as the plots don't interst me, though I really enjoyed the humor and manga-environment of the best gay anime last season--which just finished a couple weeks back-- SEKAIICHI HATSUKOI.
I'm awaiting the upload of DANTALIAN NO SHOKA (girl, mystical library, etc). I'm all about libraries and supernatural stuff, fictionally speaking. This might be like a more supernatural GOSICK thing, or GOSICK meets TOARU MAJUTSU NO INDEX. We'll see. It's definitely one to look into. Also want to see No 6, as it's science fiction and I like the look of the trailer and the sound of the manlier voice, heh:
I'll be skipping the next Blood+ related one (BLOOD C), and I haven't decided about whether the France one (IKOKU something) will be up our alley.
I have seen nothing that's as wacky insane hilarious hooking makes me snort with glee as BEELZEBUB this season yet or as suitable for both me and hubby to watch as AO NO EXORCIST, but one can hope. I will definitely continue with USAGI and KAMI-CHOU. Beyond that, dunno.
But you can get an idea of what's coming here (and enjoy the breezy music from a past season of Kimi No Todoke, one of my fave school/romance/teen mangas-animes):
So, if you feel like munching or snacking or overeating.... Heck, distract yourself with some anime.
Be well, later, I have a summer season's worth of debuts to catch up on...
Okay, so I had a busy weekend, and part of that busy-ness meant I really slacked on my strategies.
Yesterday, Tanita-San said: 189.8
That makes a change of -1.4 lbs off for the week.
However, yesterday was hubby's birthday party, and while I had no candy, cake, or assorted junk food, I had too much cheese and too much fruit--yeah, for someone like me who needs to monitor carbs, there is such a thing as too much fruit--and half a cup of homemade lower-cal potato salad and no-sugar, no-gluten, low-carb cookies. I was very moderate with my meat and condiments. But, well, there ya go. I done not so great.
Yeah, I overdid it. The scale is the proof. Today: 191.8 . That's 2 lbs up of carb and salt bloat. I will have to battle this back this week if I intend to make progress for next weigh-in. Pain in the keister. Geesh.
My goals and how I did this past week:
Weight: I was on target for the week with the loss, but not for the challenge. I should be 6 pounds down as of Sunday, and I'm only 5.2 as of Sunday. So, after this bloat is gone and I see if there is any lingering damage, I have to play CATCH UP!
Calories: I went to the max of 1400 several days and went over 2 days (yes, the weekend). One day was 2000 cals. Holy smokes! Well, I've had a great eating streak, and I was bound to eff up. Here it is. I effed up. And I don't plan to do it again as of today. Yes, I tracked calories. I do it automatically in my head if I don't do it online or in a notebook. So, some days I did it online, some jotted down, some in my head (if I'm out of the house a lot). It's just a habit now. I count. Always. Even if I can't perfectly measure. Like Debbi, I'll round UP if in doubt about the actual portion weight/size.
Exercise: Not this past week. I only strength-trained ONE day (instead of goal of 2x). I did meet half of my goal of trying 2 new exercises The kiddie pool exercise. hah. No work on push-ups due to knee still healing (bruises are faded, but knee still is unstable.) I had to curtail walking due to knee issue, and then this weekend, stormy weather kept me inside, but I was able to resume. Glad for that. Hopeful to be able to walk normally this week.
Fluids: About the only perfect thing this week.
Prayer: I missed a couple days. I know, how could I? Sorry.
Encouragement: Yes, I encouraged some challengers. All, no.
Today is the "Mind back in the game" day. Today is the last "milestone" June day for hubby and me. The 29th anniversary of the day we first said "I love you" to one another. It's a day I hold very dear and have very sweet memories of. No celebrating out of the house, but, well, a good day to get back on course, as it's a day about love. And love of health and self should play its part.
I had my coffee, tea, more than half my water, had my spice-rubbed grilled chicken with organic mixed lettuce salad, 1/4 cup of guacamole, 1/2 a tomato, and my blackberry/strawberry dessert is waiting. Dinner is already made--a beef stew with carrots and onions and taters. Taters are mostly for hubby (who needs to keep weight on). I'll have mine with some mushrooms and cauliflower on the side (unless it's no longer yummy, gotta see if it's still fresh). Otherwise it'll be zucchini. I just got some today. :D
I will likely have papaya and mango for my fruit with dinner. Brother's mango tree was just full of the things, and I brought 9 mangoes home to use this week. My fave fruit. Since childhood. I'd get so happy eating those in my panties, sitting on newspaper (to keep me from staining my clothes). Sucking away on the huge pit. Man, I loved me my mangoes. Very high in sugars, but, hey, I ain't eating bread/pasta/etc, so I'm having my beautiful tropical treat and feeling all of 9 years old again. Um, not naked or on newspapers, but still full of joy. Fruit joy. I can't give it up. :D
Happy new challenge week. My prayers and best wishes for health and success are sent to all my fellow-fatfighters. Off we go....
This was me, and is me. The 'was' me : obsessed with food, with mealtimes, with quantities. Food addict. The 'is' me: someone who can still be called to (though more rarely) by food for comfort, pleasure, escape, but who now has tools to short-circuit the bad times.
One of the bad times was last night. There was an emotional outworking at our Father's Day gathering. Three of us ended up in tears, for different reasons. I won't go into the details--we're family, we love each other, sometimes things need to be vented, and somehow they tend to get vented when stress or anxiety or bad moods hit--but I was feeling fragile from a self-sacrifice hubby had done for me, a very generous, beautiful, loving bit of self-sacrifice that put my well-being and desires above his own. It's what spouses do for one another, but it made me feel...like I was holding him back. I was also worried about eldest sis (who was looking drawn and unwell).
One of my nieces was having a fragile time herself, worried over her mom. My other sister was having a bad day, and I became a bit of a target. We all stepped on landmines and, well...venting and tears. We kissed, went home, and eventually sis and I will sort it out. Love does that. Niece and I are fine, though still worried about her mom. :(
So, I had eaten exactly what I had planned to. I had none of the "bad" foods at the party. I took what I could eat and drink, and tasted what was allowable of what sis prepared.
But the emotional stuff left me sad. (I mean, no one wants to see their loved ones cry.) Hubby was hungry, and as he's now one pound away from being officially UNDERWEIGHT, we decided to stop for take-out. At nearly 10pm on a Sunday, options were limited. Part of me was doing the little undermining/justifying thing that the OLD ME used to do regularly.
I want to eat X and Y and I'll find a way to justify eating X and Y, cause I WANT IT.
We fat folks do that all the time. We make excuses to have stuff we ought not have, whether it be special occasions/holidays or depression or needing comfort. We decide we can overeat cause of this and this and this. If we're obese, we sort of lost the right to overeat, I figure, but we find a way to justify the crap. We do.
Food is toxic comfort. But we fall for its lure. That's why we're fat. Obese. Superobese.
So, there we were at a place we hadn't gone to in....well, I forget it's been so long. A Chinese place in our neighborhood that was near closing time. The whole time we had driven there, part of me was deciding on what would be "safe". The other part of me was making excuses for the not safe. It was like angel/devil shoulder banter. I swear! Ridiculous. In the end, I justified ordering BBQ ribs cause "hubby can take them for lunch." Right? Sound familiar? We do that, right? Say it's for "the kids" or "the hubby", when it's really US who want to dive in and pig out.
The part of me that is sound was looking for a lifesaver, the strategy. I was going mentally through the caloric calculations of this and that and finding a way to stay in StSC boundaries. It was telling me I'd done well, and not to screw it up. It was telling me about the need to not give in or lose ground.
The part of me that is unsound was looking for what would give me maximum food fat reward without looking too self-indulgent. It was going by emotions...it was promising to comfort me.
In the end, I fought mentally every second from the restaurant to the house and through about a half hour at home. It was the fricken Colisseum in my head, gladiators in battle.
Drinking water. Making coffee. Biting a bit and stopping. Eating the veggies first. Throwing some of the chicken on hubby's plate. Saying no rice, Then a few forkfuls of rice. Then the ribs. Yep. There they were. I had two. I battled with every bite, trying to delay, knowing that with delay, the water/coffee/veggies could kick in and fill me up. I went 400 calories over before I said to hubby, "I'm eating too much. I'm feeling like I'm gonna cave. I feel like the hunger is just not gonna go away, and I know it's just feelings, not real body nourishment need. I have to stop."
Saying it out loud, as embarrassing as it is to say such stuff, did it. I stopped. I admitted I was out of control and was about to seriously do some damage if I didn't just cop to it, stop making excuses, stop hiding it (I ate the ribs in the kitchen, not with hubby seeing it), and just admit I was in a crisis.
And that stopped it. Confession is not only good just for the soul. It's good to break the beginnings of a binge. I ended up at a bit over 1800 calories. No binge. Just more than my alloted calories. No painful belly from overstuffing. I was actually still roomy in there.
Hubby actually did end up taking the uneaten ribs for his afternoon snack. :)
I wonder my confession is akin to the "call a sponsor" thing at AA. Call when temptation hits and let yourself be talked out of the booze craving.
I talked myself out of it by just letting hubby know: "I'm eating too much. I want to eat more. I have to stop."
I went, drank more water, took my supplements, took some potassium to counteract the salty Chinese chow mein veggies I ate. I threw out the rest of my food so as not to be even minutely tempted. I sat down and just allowed myself to feel bad about having a tiff with my sis. Food can give pleasure that distracts. I just let myself feel bad. It's human. Be sad. Be it.
I was fine after that. I woke up still a bit sad, but once things calm, we'll do as we siblings always do when we vent frustrations and get upset: We forgive, hug, and move on.
Same with food. I overate. I beat it back, stopped the binge momentum, and kept myself from binging. I overate, but I still won. I hug my heart, forgive myself, and move on.
Don't stuff feelngs with food. You'll want to. But it's not the solution. Just feel the feelings and find the actions that make it really better, not just "food reward brain pleasure" reaction.
Most of the time this year, I beat the overeating desires before food hit my mouth. Last night, food started to get the better of me. But I came out stronger.
And Tanita-san agreed: 190.8
That's .4 lbs down, after not just overeating, after Chinese food overeating. This is a numerical reason why stopping the binge while it's just "a bit extra" is worth it. :)
For me, the goal is not just a number on the scale. It's getting over an addiction. It's being the one in control. Or regaining control ASAP after it loosens. It's making my life and my character better by not being a slave to this or that. Food being this. All sorts of other thats.
I want to get healthier, which is even more important than one particular scale number. And getting healthier means taking control. Of what I eat. Of how I move. Of what I think. Of how I act.
Being out of control feels crappy. I saw proof of that last night. With tears. With Chinese food.
Very nice. That's like a 1 pound whoosh in one day. Hope it's not me seeing mirages or something...heh. I'd love to make it to 191.4 for Sunday, but that's rather optimistic. To make challenge goal, I'd need to make it to at minimum 192.0 and better 191.8 (for 1.5 pounds a week rate). I can make it as long as I don't...fudge. I'm most concerned about reduced movement. I do not doubt the good whoosh is a combo of that hour of exercise and the cutback on calories.
I had a very light supper. My appetite that had spiked a bit calmed down some yesterday, and the few temptations were easily batted away. A look at yesterday re challenge goals:
Today: I did feel as if there are some changes going on in my body. Been noticing it a couple days now. I look in the mirror and something in the...lines...have changed. Waist is an inch down from yesterday...really? Hip measurement is down, too. The lower belly fat is reducing. My belly hangs LOW...and losing in the hips is more like losing in the gut for me...
I'm still stunned waist budged that much from yesterday!It's 36 inches, not 37. How does one lose an inch overnight?
Knee still "snappy" and the bruises are an unflattering green. I iced some more yesterday and used a bit of compression (brace) while I was walking around making supper. I used some arnica gel, too, from the health food store. I am still a bit stressed that I can't go do my usual walk, but patience is called for. Been taking extra vitamin C and some vegan glucosamine, and just...well...having calm thoughts, healing thoughts....
So, Father's Day. This is gonna be a temptation time for many of us. Yesterday, the Zevia I ordered arrived and I will be taking a couple cans to drink (one cola, a grape or cherry). This will give me the "feast" feeling, as I don't do soda much anymore. Zevia is fizzy and sweetened with erythritol and stevia (not aspartame or sucralose). I got ginger ale for sis to try (not my thing, Ginger Ale).
I plan to take some sugarfree chocolate for my treat and a caprese salad with either pesto or balsamic (haven't decided, maybe both). Also, some of that grassfed organic beef I ordered from Idaho a couple months back. I need to defrost today so I can marinate overnight Saturday. Brother wants steak on the grill and, hey, that's fine with hubby and me.
I may take some sugar-free, low-carb ice cream for hubby as my brother is making homemade mango and coconut ice cream--he makes amazing frozen stuff from real fruit, just like our dad used to--and hubby has been eschewing sugar. (Miracle. He used to be the sugar-vacuum.) He likes fruit or unsweetened Ghirardelli cocoa powder on top.
My plan is to stick with protein and veggies (grilled and salad types) and have my sugarfree treats to ward off the temptation for the sugary ones that may strike.
It's about family anyway. I won't be able to play, like I like to (catch or frisbee or whatever), but we can play board games and talk about the "good old days" when our parents were alive. It's about FAMILY, not food. Food is just an adjunct to familial love.
Family isn't around forever. Years pass, we get old, loved ones die. Enjoy your holiday and let food just be an accent, not the focus. Make plans. Make plans for how to sidetrack, avoid, exile the off plan or trigger foods.
The challenge applies to Father's Day, too, because every year for the rest of our lives, temptations will arise. If we want to get to goal and stay there, we have to learn to handle it NOW and never let food be the "big deal" on holidays. The big deal..is the people.
And here's a photo that I saw on Caroline Jhingory's site to help motivate you (and me) to stick to it this holiday weekend:
The gorgeously fit Ms. Ernestine Shepherd...
senior citizen and bodybuilder! Wow!!!
I was able to update my ticker, as Tanita-san said a nice thing to me: 195.8
The farther I get from 200, the more I feel firmly in Onederland.
I would not have been surprised to see an uptick today, as with the family together yesterday, there was much to feast on. I stuck to the proteins (Cuban-style roast pork, had about one ounce; Serrano ham, a a few thin slices; roast chicken breast, 3 ounces) and cheese (I took an artisan platter with Mancheo, Appenzeller, and Cheddar), mixed field greens salad with avocado and tomato, and fruit. I dolloped olive tapenade on the chicken, since I didn't have any of the breads.
For treats: I had 1/2 of a teaspoon's worth of Torta de Santiago, just to taste one of my fave desserts. 1/2 tsp, and done. Got the rich almond flavor and the texture and that was it. Had some chocolate (dark) with cherries.That was dessert. Drank green tea, LifeWater sugarfree, and coffee.
When I got home and was peckish, I had a pear with organic almond butter and some lite coconut milk. And my vitamins.
I had a great time. Got lots of compliments on my weight loss and my new outfit. I wore a dress I bought at Express, off the rack. First time. Hubby shops there a lot, has for years, and I never fit into anything. I got this one last week. Size Large. Short. I got to wear my new sandals with it (had to buy shoes in the past couple weeks as my feet shrank a size and aren't W/D anymore). Not the most flattering style--I really need 3/4 sleeves, hah--but it's a milestone dress and I got all excited. Still need a better fitting bra. Not enough up room in my latest DDDD.
Here's a quickie camera pic hubby took when we went to Gulfstream Village to pick up the salad and the cheese platter:
Slept great. And was nice to see the scale friendly after all that salt (ie, ham, cheese, olives).
And this holiday weekend, I am very aware of the many blessings we have in our family, even as we're sad my eldest sis now has come down with Lupus (SLE). Middle sister has it. I fear it may be in my future, given how it's going with the autoimmunity.
I hope not and pray not.
Still, we have love and food and homes and laughter and leisure and work and clean water and good doctors ....and FREEDOM. And it's a great country to be citizens of. God bless this nation and it's freedom fighters, and my He bless the family and friends of all who have fallen keeping us safe and rich with liberties. May He give our leaders great wisdom so that the only wars we fight in future be the unavoidable and absolutely necessary ones...
Nice to get past the block. 216 was my weigh-in for the challenge last Saturday. I've been in the 217+ since Hastume's sodium blast. I had hoped for 214 by today, but well, reality can suck. I've been good Mon through today...very good. :) But it's moving down again and I'm happy.
I have to be up earlier than normal tomorrow to be ready for the party. My sister is a choco-freak, so I got a compromise gift--chocolate dipped strawberries (along with some other small nice things). I figure she can get her choco fix with healthful fruit attached. Heh. Ordered from Edible Arrangements, so I hope they're tasty. Strawberries have been sweet of late, so hope so.
I am still pondering what to take. I'm thinking something salady and something fruity. Will call sisters to make sure I'm not redundant, then shop in the evening. I'll buy low fat turkey gravy, too, cause I usually do bring my own in case the homemade one is too greasy or just not made at all. Happens. I like turkey with some sauce. Or I'll take some Mrs. Dash to perk it up. Plain turkey breast doesn't do it for me. Needs something--gravy or herbs...something....
Hubby has to work on his book today, so no fun outings. Unless we get revved up for it in the evening. I have some contest entries to judge, so I can busy myself with that while he works. Then do my exercise and maybe a protein/condish treatment so hair is purdy tomorrow. :)
I'm excited about getting to wear new stuff that FITS tomorrow. Yeah!
And I'm excited about improvements in my measurements. Saw on another fatfighting blog today that the blogger posted the Big 3 Measures (bust, waist, hips). When I was young (teens, twenties), before obesity, I was a perfect hourglass. Not a slim perfect, but perfect meaning bust and hips were equal and waist was 10 inches less. Like when in old films they'd say she was "36-26-36". I used to be, say, 40-30-40 or 42-32-42. Then I got obese, got insulin resistance, and became much more appley, with the waist measure losing it's "10" separation.
Today, I was 48-39-48.5. My waist had been out of synch--8 or8.5 inches less than hips. Now it's 9.5. Close. Yes, I'm getting closer to being my "old" proportions again. I'm hoping by the time the Phase 5 is over, I will be back to the B-minus 10 waist-H again. Maybe 46-36-46. I can dream. :)
I'm turning hourglassy again. Hurray!
(Note: I use a Myotape measure, and have for over a couple years, and don't know how accurate it is, but I do use it consistently, so whatever drop in size is at least consistent.)
What's your measurement now? How does the proportion compare to when you weren't obese? Where do you want it to be come June?
I wish you guys all a healthy, happy weekend that makes you feel vibrantly alive and happy to have been created for today!
I like to upload pics to this blog to document my progress. The previous progress post (with pics) is HERE. It has links to earlier phases of my body's transformation.
As my regular readers may recall, I had a health-oriented birthday party and no traditional birthday cake. My middle sis did bring a sugar-free angel food cake with sugar free whipped topping and fresh strawberries, so we'd have something for the candle and kids. :)
I did not miss cake, cookies or crap. At all. Food was nourishing, tasty, and low cal. Lots of veggies and fruit. AND.... I had good weight loss that week, too. :)
Here's a birthday shot with "cake" where I'm 222 lbs:
Princess Dieter's Sugar-Free Birthday Cake Alternative
Feb 28 on the Fort Lauderdale Beach strip made famous by WHERE THE BOYS ARE in 1960. Elbo room is nearby. Lovely day. We went to the museum exhibit of Vatican Splendors and then ate beachside (on plan). Walked a bunch, too. I wore sneakers, natch. Any opportunity to move, and this means I wear sneakers a lot more than what was my usual going-out footwear (comfy sandals). I'm becoming sneakers addicted.
Me , my sneaks, & a wood sculpture of a Native American on Ft. Lauderdale strip.
Yesterday at Starbucks. I reserved some calories for a treat--half and half in my cinnamon iced coffee. Empty calories, but it satisfies enough that I don't feel deprived and don't have crap. Not a daily thing, but I love it. And I like looking smaller, though the big belly is still vexing. Hope to see that baby gone by year's end! (Well, I will likely need a tummy tuck, cause my pannus is horrid, but that I'd put off and save for.)
Mmm...Coffee...Fewer Unhealthful Lbs, More Natural Curls!
That above is me at roughly 218 lbs. Compare to this in 2008 at about 278:
A bit after starting Pilates...Huge! But Game! And Hopeful!
Guess at which weight I'm happier and more energetic? Even if OLDER? :)
I want to spend health-filled years with this sweetiepie o' mine:
The Princess and her Prince, Ft Lauderdale Beach
So, yeah, progress. Onward to goal!
(Oh, and if you haven't read the regular post for the day, see it below. I don't much double-post these days, but, hey, felt like it. Later, gotta go walk....)
I had weighed in on Sunday at a rounded 222 (rounded up from 221.6).
To all the lovely folks and pals who dropped by here and on FB to wish me happy birthday, I thank you. I truly believe that well-wishes and good thoughts and prayers and blessings exert a powerfully good effect on those upon whom good is wished. So, thank you, thank you!
This weekend was full of fun and the weather was great for me turning 51. My family did not sabotage my birthday party. The food was wholesome: roasted pork tenderloin, shredded chicken breast in a light tomato sauce, brown rice, arugula and romaine salads, broccoli slaw, fresh fruit salad (just chunks of various fruits), homemade tzatziki made from low-fat Greek yogurt, herbs, garlic, cucumber with strips of orange peppers, baby carrots, sliced cucumbers for dipping. And low-carb ww pitas for those inclined. I took a box of handmade, fresh, dark chocolates for everyone to share as dessert, enough for two pieces per person.
I had asked for no birthday cake (you know, the sugary, calorie-rich frosted stuff). My middle sis did bring a cake (which the kids appreciated, cause they were stunned there was no cake with candles). Sis got a sugar-free angel food cake, sugar free whipped topping, and berries. It was amazingly low-cal substitute for a traditional birthday cake.
I took two bags of my don't-fit-anymore clothes to give away.
And I had to go shopping twice. There may not have been a big poundage drop in the last 2 weeks...but I kept having trouble finding stuff to wear. I pulled out shirt and top after shirt and top and it was all baggy. Even stuff I bought not that long ago. My lowest size jeans I got in December (buying a size lower for future use) needed a belt. So, I went and got 3 pairs in 18/20 at Avenue (along with some 14/16 camisoles). Then yesterday, we went to TJ Maxx to get stuff for hubby...and I realized I might be able to find stuff that fits. (I never could before). Got a couple tops (that fit now in XL and XXL) and some workout pants in XL that are too small now but should fit in a month or so. Cheaper than catalogs!
I had the same issue some other challengers have had: I keep reaching for a larger size than I need. I now know I actually AM DOWN a size, so I need to shop accordingly. I'm using the smallest sizes at Avenue now and in the Old Navy Plus size section (1x), so soon I will start seeing what other "regular" stores have to offer...
I will say I got so many comments and amazed looks at my party. I'm still not used to that. A couple folks hadn't seen me since Christmas Eve, so I guess that's about 15 pounds gone since then.
Anyway, if you overpronate and have troublesome joints, try ASICS. I am having happy feet with my ASICS, three pairs so far, not all the same style, and now it's my fave sports shoes. I used to be a total New Balance and Brooks lines aficionado...but dang if ASICS 2160 just blew them outta the water. Oh, man. Sweet!
Taking time away from blogging and mega-internetting was good. Head feels...settled. I don't feel overloaded. I may do that periodically.
Ow...it hurts to type. I have an infection on my L index fingertip, and every keystroke with that bandaged digit is an ouchie.
What doesn't hurt and is very nice, indeed, is realizing this weekend, where we went out and ate out and had a party and I never felt like a food-freak out of control, that it's nice to wake up and feel like I won't blow it.
Doesn't mean I won't....but I never consistently had this, "I will get through another day and not let food own me" attitude and feeling. I thanked God for it. It's so...freeing. Like I don't have to fear every temptation...cause I can say no better, easier, less painfully.
I still have to plan, think, shop, assess, and strategize dinners out...but it's easier and more natural to do it now. There are simply things I cannot buy at Publix and things I cannot order in restaurants. And to focus on what I can buy and can order....it makes decisions easier. I am not perfect and I sometimes do screw up. But I screw up... A LITTLE. Not ogre-sized screw-ups. I might mess up 100, maybe 150 cals. I don't mess up 1000, 2000, or Lord Help Me, 3000 + like I have too often in the past.
You know what? It's easier to correct for small screw-ups, small indulgences. It's REALLY HARD to correct for binges, for the ogre-sized, for the dragon-deluxe messes.
Being in a zone where the mess is more manageable than ever in the last 20 years...there are no words for how liberating that is.
However, I know I can't think of slacking. That's a slippery slope. The allowances I made, smaller ones, for my birthday party is/was a treat. I kept it a wholesome party, but it was still a celebration. I still loosened up that rope some. And it's time to take back the slack and be vigilant and do what we're required to do on this challenge.
I find that consistency makes consistency easy. In the beginning of these challenges, being consistent was crazy hard, but the effort to be so eventually made consistency a bit easier. Every week of living with sound food boundaries makes the boundaries easier.
I wonder if this is in part why staying at goal weight and maintaining 5 years means you have a greater chance to stay there for life? Because week in and week out for year after year, those habits are more and more deeply entrenched, become automatic, the limitations become a safety zone (rather than a shackle) mentally.
Well, I want a safety zone. On my own, I get to 300 pounds and would go beyond. I want the boundaries and the habits of food strategy. I don't want to ever think again, "Oh, it's my birthday, and I can eat anything I want and how much I want." Then, oh, it's the kiddo's birthday, I can eat...oh, it's Christmas, I can eat anything and...oh, it's my niece's wedding, I can...
I want a different mindset. I wanna think, "Oh, it's my birthday, what active and health-inducing thing can I add to my celebrations." (This year, it was jumping rope. Next year, if we can afford it, I want to arrange a taiko drumming workshop for the fam/kids or maybe a self-defense one.)
It's better to look forward to DANCING THE NIGHT AWAY at a wedding rather than eating it away.....VOLLEYBALLING at a beach outing rather than basting and snacking....yes.....! It's better to get the kids excited about canoeing at the park than about scarfing down huge plates of BBQ and boxes of cookies there. Why set kids up for wanting crap like we do? New traditions....for everyone...is not a bad thing. :)
This year, my birthday party marked my new tradition. No more crap-laden birthdays. Some treats, fine. But mostly good, wholesome, nourishing, lower-caloric foods. The tradition began THIS YEAR....and I plan to make it my new tradition. For hubby, too. I want him to be healthy and gorgeous right into his retirement years.
And what did we do besides jump roping? I bought a medicine ball and hubby and I threw it around Friday and Saturday. 10 pound medicine ball.
Every little bit counts...every little positive bit adds to the positive...
Anyway, that was my birthday weekend--new traditions, new exercise equipement, new clothes....cause I want a new life. :)
Later. Be well...I will catch up on my fave blogs over the next couple days (since my car is in the shop due to some jerk messing the doors up while I was out on errands Friday). Hope things are well with my fellow fatfighters!
Hubby took a pic of me last night at Jerusalem Restaurant. It's a kosher place where a lot of orthodox and Hasidic Jewish families go to eat Middle Eastern, Italian (including really good kosher pizza) stuff. Since they do dairy, no meat natch. But you can get assorted salads and things that I don't order there (knishes, the "pareve" fakey meats, etc). We went Saturday evenings (about 10pm) and the post-Sabbath crowd was there. (They get busy when they open after sundown.)
We were the only non-Jewish folks there last night, and Charles got some looks from the very young boys (with the forelocks and yarmulkes) cause he didn't have his hair covered. The wives wear the wigs, and all the females wear sleeves and long skirts. I'm used to it. My brother lived in Brooklyn where there is a large, large community of Jews who keep traditional garb and kosher. And I've eaten at this Kosher place since hubby and I were newlyweds (and seen ownership change hands a lot, with quality bobbling from excellent when we started going to not-so-good to okay and around again).
One guy sported one of those impressive big fur hats (I don't know what critter the fur came from, and PETA would have a conniption, but it is beautiful fur, dark brown and silky, like the one in THIS PIC, only darker and prettier, really, as if it was new and a really good critter died for it) and a satiny overcoat with a black-on-black pattern.
(There was this place I used to love going to, a kosher Mexican place 5 minutes' drive away--though they are no longer kosher and we've stopped going since the quality went downhill--where you could get meat, but not dairy, so it was soya "cheese" and "sour cream" on the tacos/fajitas/burritos/etc. But the stuff was delicious and the meat so nice. One time we went during Hanukkah and got free one of those jelly donut things from a traveling group of Hasidim driving a HUGE HUGE mennorah with electrified "flames" lit up to the appropriate day. Loved those jelly donuts! And the good cheer. Everyone was celebratory.)
I must look like a total Jezebel ho to them with my decolletage and red lipstick and snug jeans, but really, I'm not. I'm a good girl. :) Here's one of the pics hubster took:
I was clearly having a good day, yes? And how much do I love this teal color?? One of my fave colors ever, but hard for me to find stuff that fits me in this color. Hard to find this color, period. (Edited to add: I notice uploaded on my 'puter, it looks less teal and more royal blue. Whatever...love it. Rich color and with my almost black hair, it's killing it!)
And here's my Valentine's Day gift from hubby:
Yep. He got his hair highlighted. He has (naturally) dark kinda-mousy blonde with silver (age will do this). He once gave me his hair all blonded up (golden wow-factor blonde) in 2007 as an anniversary gift. Big surprise. I loved it. He got oodles of compliments. Strangers gave him the eye; one woman at the airport told him he was very handsome. He didn't get that attention with dark/mousy blonde. People are weird. He's always been hot! Heh. He let it go natural for a spell. Yesterday, he came come lightened up. I love it. He's got the Germanic/Hungarian pink-cheeked coloring and hazel eyes to carry off blonde.
Now my hair's darker, his is lighter....nice contrast, yes?
Okay, it's date night...so I gotta go get ready. It's nice to feel not "out of control". The hunger of a couple days ago has taken another vacation. I was at my brother's yesterday, and was able to eat maximum 250 cals even with much temptation (rice and beans, pumpkin soup, bread and butter, chocolate). I took fruit, my snacks, and just ate the lean protein available. Made my own decaf and decaf green tea. Went fine. :)
Wishing you a really beautiful Sunday free of FF and full of cheer and health and good company (cause love is a lot more than just romantic love). Valentine's Day is for lovers and those who are loved in all sorts of ways... imo. Enjoy it!
Yesterday:
calories: 1074
exercise: rest day
hunger: very little appetite
mood: very, very good
My appointment with the R.D. went great. Her scale showed a 5 lb loss. Energy is zooming. Sleep is good. Mood is amazing. She said, "Well, my job doesn't get better than on days like this." I was pleased. Since I'm still crazy motivated, she said we could schedule the next meeting in 2 weeks, rather than one week, and then see if I only want monitoring once a month or whatever I desire.
I have never felt this "high" on a healthy eating plan. I've been steadily losing for over a 6 months, and it just seems to get better the more I try and the more I learn about my body and its needs. I'm sure there is loads more to learn, but I am feeling genuinely psyched and optimistic about goal NOT being a pipe dream..and that, in itself, is a major change. In the back of my mind, even when I mouthed optimistic affirmations, I didn't really BELIEVE THEM, not fully in my brain, and not in the depths of my heart.
I believe now.
It's cool and overcast, and hubby does his work on the 2nd edition of his textbook Saturdays early, so I put on NPR and enjoyed the last bit of Car Talk, then Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me! (My fave funny NPR program, and the "fake news" blurb about a Menudo member was so hilarious, I almost dropped my eggs wile cooking), and after some non-comedic stuff (the one old abuse, yowza, that was painful), there's the lighter/funny Says, You.
I woke up totally NOT hungry. For some folks,this is par. Not me. My appetite tends to be ready for breakfast. I looooooove breakfast. I adore having breakfast. I am eager for it.
Today, meh. Not so much. So, I chopped my veggies, got the pan ready, made my egg and egg whites very pretty, like a sombero, with the veggies embedded into the round "brim" of eggwhites and the "crown" the egg yolk. Had papaya and raspberries on the side. Great Brazilian Safira Bourbon java.
Trying to decide if I should just shoot my weigh-in to A today or wait til tomorrow? I'm always nervous I'll miss the deadline. Well, I'll think on it.
Had a long chat with my eldest sis yesterday. She's been anxious and vexed for years about the obesity of her two kids. I explained my journey a bit, and how for me, just making a bit of change, trying out stuff, learning, getting into regular exercise..it was a process, not a "fell swift" sort of thing. And that I had to learn this stuff--what goes on in my brain, what goes on in my hormones, how much I needed to cut back to lose roughly X a week, the effects of macronutrients on hunger and progress. I tried raw foods. I tried vegetarian most-days. I tried higher dieting calories. I am doing now lower dieting claories. I tried low carb, lower carb, Zone-ish carbs, High Carb/low fat. I find lower carb (not induction low, but lower than average for sure) works best for my Insulin Resistance, while allowing me the fruits and yogurt I love and the occasional whole grain I enjoy.
I said all she can do is not have crap at her house (which she does, deny it as much as she likes, she does--soda with sugar, chocolates, white crackers, and when we get together, Cuban pastries, cookies, etc). I said the only thing in her control is to control her own environment, so that when the son visits and daugher are home, and they want something, there's nothing on hand but what's healthful. If there isn't junk there, then they can't have it, unless they buy it and bring it themselves. That puts it on them, not her. She can say, "I have salad fixings and some chicken. Want some?" She can keep veggies and fresh fruit and offer that. Maybe cut it up and put it out to tempt. She can keep water front and center, not juices or sodas. She could have sugar free fudgsicles or Jell-o to offer as a "sweet treat". (I guarantee you that my niece and nephew are I.R. as well, as they have abdominal obesity and I've seen the darkening skin marker on nephew.)
I said, "That's all you can do. Be someone who refuses to stock, store, display, or offer crap."
Because, ultimately, we choose what to eat.
We can call it a craving or a preference or a stressful day or TOM or whatever, but when the food goes in the mouth, we made that choice. You can blame your mom for giving you crap growing up, but you can't blame her once you're old enough to think of yourself as more independent, your own "self", and are able to make your own meals (and by age 15 we pretty much are staking out our territory , and we could all make our own sandwiches, salads, beverages, etc, unless we're handicapped in some way.) By age 18, barring disability, you eat what you choose from what's at home. The worst choices...they're on you, not mom, not dad, not nana.
So, we hope our loved ones make better choices and spare themselves the agonies of increasing girth and limited mobility and incipient heart disease and diabetes (and heart disease and diabetes runs in their Pa's side of the family). But you cannot force. YOu can only encourage and support and NOT be a food-drug dealer.
Give your loved ones love and real loving food, which is not cakes/pies/crap. Real loving food helps them be well and live longer...
