Sorry. I'm just not mentally able to be here daily....
My beloved nephew died Saturday. He never regained consciousness after his kidneys failed, the cardiac arrest, the coma...
My sister and the rest of us are heartbroken and, well...it sucks.
The memorial is tomorrow.
I have spent all my time at the hospital or with the sis. I did stay home today to catch up on sleep, have clean clothes for the memorial service, pay bills, take vitamins and eat regular food so I don't get sick from stress, etc.
I have been unable to exercise, but I did resist the endless array of Cuban traditional and junk food (cheese and guava pastries, fried meat patties, battered-fried steak, ham croquettes, arroz imperial, pork rinds, sugary coffee drinks) and American junk food (KFC, McDs) that people came around with. I took veggie platters and fruit&cheese trays and carried my nut butters/protein bars and sugar-free beverages. I battled the insane desire to devour croissants by the dozen or jump into a vat of macaroni and cheese soup every time I got decaf coffee and salads at the hospital's Au Bon Pain. It was tough--I had raging comfort food cravings. I resisted. I have not gained weight.
Some relatives who came from out of town or hadn't seen me in a year did not recognize me. Walked right by or saw me sitting right there and still asked, "Where's Mirtika?" Others asked for diet advice. A lot. I got that a lot. It's very disconcerting, I've found, to be wildly complimented over and over when you are breaking down into tears all the time. But, I know it was kindly meant.
Today, after getting some needed rest and sleeping finally free of stress nightmares, I had a calm appetite return.Tomorrow's post-memorial family feast will be dealt with. I got through the worst. If I can NOT stress-eat at this awful time, clearly, I've changed. I can deal with any sort of food crap sitting for hours in front of my face. I wish I hadn't had to learn that, though, not like this.
I don't know when I'll check in again...cause I really need to be with family and my sis now (no computer/wi-fi at her house, she's a 70 year old tech-phobe). Fortunately, we're a close family, and we don't have to mourn solo....there's dozens of folks in and out, bringing comfort. It's at this time you are grateful the previous generation reproduced mightily.
I hope everyone out there is well. Please continue to hold and kiss and appreciate your loved ones while they are here. Take nothing for granted. Tomorrow--or the next minute--is not guaranteed.
And get healthy. For them.
Thank you for your kind comments and thank you for your prayers. He is with God now, my nephew, but I am so grateful for your comforting words and thoughts on our behalf. Please pray for my sister and BIL , who have the haunted eyes of parents who--like most parents-- never expected to have to bury their son.