Monday, January 14, 2013

I'm a mess, but this baby is gonna get cleaned up cause I ain't putting up with ME being a childish eater aka Working on the Return of the Warrior Princess

Okay, so man, today the scale said 184.0.

Yesterday, it said 184.8

That's right at the border of my acceptable high weight of 185. This is when emergency measures need to be put into place.

Ever since I got lax late last year when I got sick, my brain is in "I don't wanna be mature" mode when it comes to eating. I'll have semi-decent (not at all perfect) days with crappy days. The only good thing I can say is that I have not binged.

But with my brain in baby-mode, immature-eater mode, a binge is sure to come knocking, if I do not implement the measures I once did to get out of obesity and stop binge eating.

Tonight, I gotta go dig up my dietitian notes from Jan 2011. I've got them somewhere, and it's a matter of sitting down with my old blog posts, my R.D. notes, some good motivational reading, and getting hubby fully on board.

The child in me needs to shut the hell up.

My brain needs to grow up.

I really hate being out of control. It's not pizza and cheeseburgers out of control, but it is self-indulgent. IT's noshing here and there. It's not sticking to what I know is a good eating plan for me.

This is why I mention that letting go of control for whatever reason--sickness, holidays, vacations--is a bad, bad idea. REgetting control is one mother of a task.

I'm in the thick of warfare with my old bad habits.

I"m gonna win this. Why? Because I have to. Because obesity beckons again. Because grown-ups don't just eat what they wanna when they wanna. Because being mature and in control means you stick to a fricken plan 95+% of the time at least, with only the occasional bobble.

I'm being a brat again. This me, this is not noble or laudable.

I could make excuses. My thyroid is a bit off (with my hair falling out again and I'm sleeping 10 and 11 hours). But I won't. Because EVEN with my thyroid out of whack at various times since 2010, I worked to keep my food intake happy and mature and nutritious and controlled.

This time, the problem is ME.

The solution is....ME.

I'm crafting guidelines for a challenge. I figure if I need to, I activate that as a plan for self-motivation. Worked for me in the past.  I would do it pretty much like I did the others--Slimmer this Summer, Christmas Dress Countdown, Eve 2 Easter. Same sort of requirements and accountability and buddy system and positive support. If you are struggling, too, and if you've completed my challenges  in the past and want "in" again, keep an eye out for an announcement sometimes later this month.

Knocking Out the Food Idiot!!!
For the next four days, my focus will be on empowering that warrior part of me. I gotta knock the stooopid outta me.

Today, I did my strengthening exercise. But today I also swerved the car to my fave chocolatier and indulged in truffles and conversation with the owner.

Yes, I'm a fricken idiot. Feel free to tell me to stop it the hell now. Thanks.

Okay, I'm gonna do some cardiac before I go pick up my organic co-op share, and the whole time, I'm gonna be thinking and speaking affirmations.

This sh*t stops today.

Tomorrow, I'm waking up like a lion. Roaring...

I control me. No one else. ME. The me in control so far is the food-stupid Princess. I'm gonna shoot her dead. Or at least slap her unconscious. She needs to get out of the way of Princess Dieter, the one who isn't food-driven and slothful. I want that royal gal back. I want the Princess Brat exiled or gone and forgotten. I'm too old for this self-indulgence and laziness. Really, way too old.

I felt better when my food act was together. I will be that me again. SOON.

Wish me well....

The battle goes on....

Let's win it.


Sunshine's Heart said...

I've been trying and trying to comment. I hope it works this time. Blogger is wonky today or else it is my laptop.
I'm right here with you, Princess. I am back up into numbers I hoped never to see again. It is all so frustrating. I just can't get my grownup mind in the game. I'm pouting about everything going on in my life and indulging myself with bad food and also too much food. I'm going to put on my big girl panties tomorrow and start again and I'm going to keep trying until I get control. I'm sick of myself. I'm sick of this depression. I'm sick of eating. We can do this, Princess. I will be looking for any challenges that may start.

Traveling Light said...

Ugh. I hate when that happens. Really. I know the feeling. I know the sound of obesity shuffling up behind me, too. A "Did you hear something? I think I heard something..." And, then, before I knew it--I was engulfed. Again.

You know the good news. Our God reigns--even now--even over this.


Claire said...

This has been my problem all along. The voice in my head says, "You DESERVE this. You don't get anything you want, so have some food that you want." UGH!!!! I haven't conquered it yet, but at least I recognize it for what it is.

I am sooooo encouraged by this post. Your attitude of "get 'er done" always inspires me to do better. Thanks, girl!

birchgirl said...

I am also hovering near a scary weight for me ... 180. Just got lazy with eating in the past few months, and of course it caught up with me. Good luck to you.

Nanette said...

Again, eloquently putting everything I'm feeling right now. The internal struggle between what you KNOW you need and what ACTUALLY happens is much more difficult when our internal voices have regressed to the terrible twos.

I WANT IN YOUR CHALLENGES. They worked for me last time. They put me in a great mental place. I want. I want. I want... I will let myself be a greedy two year old about this one.

Angela Pea said...

You CAN DO this!! Smack your inner brat upside the head and tell her to behave!

I am picking up speed on regaining control after the holiday indulgences. I've written down my reasons for weight loss on an index card to carry around with me. I keep pulling it out and reading it when faced with temptation. I also recorded them on my phone.

Bring on the Warrior Princess!!

Caron said...

I can absolutely identify with this post as I've been there. I maintained for six years but then had a two year period where I was above my goal weight and could not get my head back in the game. Like you, I was not out there eating lots of fried food and such but I was eating too much and not exercising enough. A challenge might be just the ticket. :)

Julie said...

It's tomorrow Mir, go get it. You can, you know this, I know this and if you're willing I'll be there trying my darnest to get there too. I know about that child screaming. I know about that darn thyroid that no matter what just won't get into the right range. The hair, the sleep, the fingernails, the dropsies....
However you are strong and have more will power in your little finger then I have in my whole body but I know you can do this. I know we can. What I've gained is slowly leaving but really slowly. So far to go to get to even your weight. Working at it. Together we can do it, alone we can do it. It's just funner with a friend.
Take care Mir and have a blessed day. Day 1 is a great day!!

Princess Dieter aka Mir said...

Thanks, ladies. I'm sorry that some of you are right along with me with the regression and regain. Let's all warrior up!

It's the first day. Both the most exhilirating (so full of the potential to get it right) and scary (so full of the potential to stay in the rut). I'm choosing OUT of the rut. :D

On we go...

Betty W said...

Finally after days of no internet I can comment here. I definitely want IN on your challenge. Please let me know.
I am regaining and slipping with my motivation. A challenge is just the thing I need.
So good to see you posting more!