Wednesday, February 22, 2012

E2E Midweek Update #8: A long and about-all-sorts-of stuff post....including~~~When "Not Red"= "Blue"; a middle of the night crisis; and just looking for the way through, cause I've been lower and I know there's a way a bunch of pics cause I gots a new iPhone for Birthday!..and can floral prints and red lipstick and Free Jazz jolt me out the dark?

The word which God has written on the brow of every man is Hope.
VICTOR HUGO, Les Misérables

I'm in recovery mode in a lot of ways.

1. Ate way more than I planned to or wanted to at my birthday party. Unlike last year, I had double servings. In all, I ended up at around 2600 calories.

2. I have hit the salty stuff again. Been craving feta and olives. Yeah...

3. Am still in all-over joint pain, and am angry about it.

4. Just am angry in general and feeling really betrayed by my body --again, since this is an old story with me and my defective body. I first wanted to kill myself when I was 9, and I hated my sickly body then. Today, I'm fighting the hate...again.

Tanita-san was 183.4 after my birthday. It's 181.6 today.

And last night, I think I hit a crisis in all this. Like at 2:30 in the AM, in bed, I had this passing, lightly voiced though: "I wish I could close my eyes and not open them again."

It startled me into wakefulness and I jostled hubby to talk. (poor dear man)  He prayed over me, we talked. I was able to sleep after that, but I felt sad. I felt like the wonderful, happy, energetic, motivated, cheery, "getting healthy" me was just evaporating and the old crap depressed, unmotivated, apathetic, self-hating me was reimposiging. Like when You see one body fade out in Star Trek and another fade in the transporter. I felt this overwhelming fear of getting older and sicker and all this work being for naught.

I fear that it's a losing a battle.

Then I try to rah-rah myself out of those thoughts.

Then they come back.

Pom-poms. Dark thoughts. Forced smile. Dark thoughts....

I have this Jekyll/Hyde thing going on. I work myself up into some motivation, but then it fades and I mope around wanting to do nothing. I tell myself I'm gonna get better, then the pain in my body and the lack of vim reminds me that even with all the sacrifices, hard work, costly foods, costly trainer, when it comes down to it, I'm defective, and my body will turn around and whack me on the head when I least expect it. Betrayal. I'm sick of that shit.

And then I get angry again.

Anyway, today, instead of dragging and moping out of bed, I turned on the radio when the alarm went off. I put on a Christian show and forced myself to focus on positive, healing things. I stayed in bed for an hour, sometimes talking to my body, sometimes begging it to stop hurting and heal up.

I need patience. I need to remember that I've felt WORSE. I've been lower. I think of those much worse off, pray for THEM and feel bad for being so self-absorbed and selfish. But, eventually, nothing brings one's thoughts back to oneself than a body part letting itself be known as malfunctioning.

I figure Lent begins today, and what I want to give up for Lent is the pattern of self-absorbed self-pity. To acquire patience and wait until my thyroid normalizes. If the pains remain, then know it's time to see the rheumatologist. To accept that aging brings this crap to many of us, and I'm no exception. To know it would be worse had I not done what I've done for 1 1/2 years--the right stuff.

I have not lost hope. But I feel this ugly slide that seems beyond my control, the body doing stuff to the mind. Happens.

So, yeah, back to routine. I can't walk or exercise like I had been, so I just find what I CAN do--even if it's finding that chair exercise show/DVD. Even if it's taking "marching in place" breaks when I'm on the puter. Even if it's isometric. Even if it's just arm stuff when I'm watching tv. Something. Push the apathy aside and do it for my good.

I'm gonna try to figure out how to Vlog, as I think maybe trying something new will be helpful. I'm sure I'm not videogenic, and this is a bit anxiety-provoking for me, the gal who always used to avoid cameras (had no photographer at my wedding, for instance). But, I got an iPhone for my birthday (lost my old phone the day before, so the timing was great), and I might as well learn to use it for blogging and self-development. :D

Some of the first pics taken with my camera:

This is the actual initial photo:

Decaf and water before food,
and you can see I didn't really fix up my hair!

We ended at a diner that's open late, since we got out of the mall just after 10pm with my new phone. They have a huge, multi-laminated-page menu, but I flipped right to the salad page, which is across from the low-carb page:

I had the "Greek" with chicken...

Just took some new pics:

I had my typical breakfast, and was grateful to have it and enjoy it and be filled by it. (yep, thankfulness is part of my "rehab"). I'm doing this update as I drink my second cup o' joe...and now it's time for vitamins:
Yummy java is gone, watermelon
and vitamins to go!

 As I sit here typing, uploading, sipping, I'm looking at my feet and they are like a the visual objective correlative" to my emo-state:

Unpedicured: A bad sign!

 Here's the deal: Anyone who has read my blogs for years and has seen pics of my weigh-in feet or feet in general knows I always have pedicured feet. Red or pinky red or warm orangey reds or deep burgundies, but usually a pretty red. Siren red being my fave types. Rich, deep, sexy reds.

Those toes have no red. My toes have been UNred for nearly two weeks. This hasn't happened in years. Seriously, the only time my nekkid toenails see the light of day is the hour or so it takes to take off polish, cut, file, buff, neaten cuticles, etc, before the next layering of polish goes on. Naked toenails says A LOT about how I've been feeling.

Not red = blue.

Red is my happy color. I've used my red bags and shoes more lately to try to cheer myself up, but I haven't mustered up the energy to do my toes (I do my own feet.) It makes me sad to see naked toes. I need to get to it...who knows? Might help. Red toes = joy.

I do still put red on my lips. Some of my birthday splurge haul:

One of these things is not like the others...
L'Absolu NOT!
Yeah, I got some red lippies. A couple of Nars glosses, a Lancome L'Absolu Nu lipstick in "Red Chiffon" and a cheapo one--a Revlon "Just Bitten" lipstain with balm from the drugstore-- in "Flame".

I can't wear eye makeup (allergies), so I tend to go nuts with lipstick and blushers. And I love red variations--more than coppers, browns, plums, mauves, pinks, corals, oranges, peaches. I love red! And I look good in red. :D  The Nars run $25 each and the Lancome is $29, so these are PRICEY!!!!!!!!!!!!  I got two of my very fave Nars glossses (Misbehave, Scandal). Because I was made so happy by the Lancome Rouge Absolute that I got for Christmas (I posted a pic back then), I decided to try this somewhat cooler and a lot sheerer red in the new line.

Sucks. Sucks bad. My perfectly smooth, spoiled with care lips began cracking and peeling within hours. Yeah, thanks...$29 bucks for an allergic reaction.

I searched online and saw a few comments from other reviewers that this particular lipstick (line?) caused dryness and reactions. So, I recommend if you even considered this crazy expensive lippie: STAY WAY. Repeat after me, "L'Absolutely NOT!"

Get the Rouge Absolute if you want a great, creamy, beautiful, sexy red. :D

I'm returning it to Sephora. First return EVER to that store. This lipstick sucked.

Oh, and on a note for previous update: I tried on the dress Sunday, but hubby and I were rushing to leave for my party and no pics got taken. But no progress, obviously, and a little retrograde movement, as the zipper went higher than first pic on the initial E2E post, but lower than second pic I took a couple weeks back. Which makes sense as I had gone UP some onTanita-San....

I wish I had taken birthday pics. Sigh. None to share.

The Dress, Not Me..
I had a beautiful, girly, Nine West floral dress that was really loose at size 16 (my challenge dress is a too snug on top Nine West size 14). I got lots of compliments and my BIL said I was looking like a teenager again. (Mad exaggeration, but I think after decades of seeing me hiding in black and navy, seeing me in a bright, bright summer dress with red flats --knees and toe wouldn't let me wear the red heels I'd originally planned--and red beads must have been eye-shocking to him.)

It was an intentional strategy to work on "upping" my mood. I went in a blaze of glory of lips were so shiny, planes may have been diverted by accident by the startling reflection.

Well, it helped. Never underestimate the power of color. For a while, it was cheering.

So, a long and sort of episodic update. Things are not good. Things will get better.

I don't necessarily plan to update a lot, or visit blogs much--sorry!-- so I wanted to make sure to have my say in this one. I want to spend more time meditating and reading Scripture and praying and looking at the stars and enjoying the explosion of flowers in my garden and just remembering to HOPE and BELIEVE that this, too, shall pass.

Because nothing is worse than giving in to the dark.

Light ....light is where it's at.

Okay, I'm off to have more water and shower and be presentable to get my organic goodies. And if my energy holds out, hubby has offered to take me to a newish local spot for "out of the ordinary" performers to see...


and them, too.

"Free Jazz". It's an experience and not the general "cuppa tea". But hubby and I did the jazz concert thing a lot in our dating and newlywed days. I have mighty romantic associations with Jaco Pastorius, Chick Correa, Larry Carlton, Gato Barbieri, Jeff Lorber with Kenny G, Paco de Lucia, et al.

If my energy is up for it--it's until 11:30 pm and it is a worknight for my tootsie--it might be something to help with this tide-turning endeavor of mine. Who knows what odd "free" sounds might do to the chemicals and the brain, yes? Vibrations are mighty things..and music is potent stuff.

Okay, peace out. :)

Be well...I'm working on it....

And the quotes for this challenge:

"The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term is the indispensable prerequisite for success." 
~Maxwell Maltz
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 
~Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)


Caron said...

The actual initial photo is great! You look happy and very slim. From a person who's torn up scads of pictures and deleted even more from digital cameras, I can say "It's a keeper." :)

Jo said...

You are absolutely doing the right things for now. Positive attitude, red all over, smart chick realizes it will get better and it has been much worse. I looove that first pic taken with your new phone. And the hair? Mine is as straight is a stick, so wouldn't I love those curls!

And you realize you have done the right thing for your body in the past months. Just imagine how you would feel if this had started before you improved your health to this point.

We are here for you. Take your time in the quiet, doing meditation, prayer, pedicure, all the things to calm your mind and keep your body as un-stressed as possible. Eat your veggies and drink your water. Keep up that movement and it doesn't matter if you're just moving your index finger! Just move it (your body).

Prayer, good vibes, and all that is healing is coming to you from me. And hugs.

Angela Pea said...

You are doing what you need to do right now to heal and pull away from the edge of darkness. You are strong with the power of Our Lord over you, as well as the Holy Spirit to light the path.

I will continue to hold you up in prayer, my friend, for healing, for grace and for peace.

Now go paint your toes.

Betty said...

Will be praying for you Mir! I wish I knew more about thyroid problems, but I don´t and never knew they could get you so down. I have a new respect and thankfulness for having a healthy thyroid.
Hope you start feeling better soon!

Suzan Robertson said...

Sorry you're in a rut, Mir. I'll pray for you. Please pray for me as I pretty much in that same rut with you. Thanks.

BTW, I love jazz too.


Nanette said...

There's so much here in this one post. I'm so sorry that you're struggling with depression. It's refreshing to hear how you're thinking through it and refusing to give in.

I love the bright lipsticks! The allergy sucks, but soon you'll heal and be back to the fire engine red! :)

I'll be thinking about you... and would love to watch your vlogs.

Anonymous said...

Can you imagine the pain and anger if you were not in the physical shape you are in now? I marvel.

Sometimes you just have to hang in there until the bad passes. It always does. Meanwhile something great is happening in your life - like having someone who loves you, who you can wake up and will comfort you and ask Christ to comfort you. A true blessing.

Happy birthday. This year of yours will be magnificent.

Bunpoh said...

I have grown to love love love experimental music over the years, and that looks absolutely AWESOME. I hope you go and truly enjoy yourselves. Also, thanks for the honesty and sorry to hear of your struggles. I don't feel so alone when I hear other people feel like that too, sometimes.

Julie said...

I am praying Mir you find peace and your mojo back. I am sorry that you are feeling so down and out. I think you need to paint those toenails and fingernails, get some lipstick on and get out in the sunshine (well I think I remember you can't do sunshine but you can do moonlight, right?), just get out and take a slow, handholding walk with the wonderful husband of yours.
I don't know Mir but this downside seems to be hitting a lot of people in different ways. I have never felt this before in my life either.
I hope you feel better Mir. Yours is the first and only blog I have visited this week, I just don't have it either.
Take care Mir, please find peace and have a blessed evening.

Karen Butler Ogle said...

Mir, I'm so sorry. You know where I've been for the last few weeks. Please don't let yourself get this far down. You have been doing so well and still are in spite of all your issues. I am going to be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to share something uplifting to you as I read through my new book. My eyes are blinded by depression right now too and it is hard to even breathe but I know that both of us have been there before and that we can make it all the way back to sunlight if we trust in God to bring us though. Blessings to you.

Jill said...


I'm new here to your blog, just found it through Julie's. My heart goes out to you during this time of your struggles and uncertainties, but know that this too shall pass and it will get better. Each day is truly a gift.
Wanted to share one of my favorite poems with you.

The oak tree by Johnny Ray Ryder Jr

A mighty wind blew night and day
It stole the oak tree's leaves away
Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark
Until the oak was tired and stark
but still the oak tree held its ground while all the other trees fell all around.
The weary wind gave up and spoke How can you still be standing oak?
The oak tree said, I know that you can break each branch of mine in two
carry every leaf away
shake my limbs and make me sway
but I have roots stretched in the earth
Growing stronger since my birth
you'll never touch them, for you see
They are the deepest part of me!
Until today I wasn't sure of just how much I could endure.
But I've found, with thanks to you
I'm stronger then I ever knew!

Wishing you all the best and I am your newest follower to see how you are coming along! :-)


Shawn said...

I'm stopping by from Julie's. After reading your post, I think you need a big hug and I know you are receiving prayers from everyone that loves you.
The theme of our Ash Wednesday service tonight was PAIN. The first thing when I got home from church, I checked my blog and saw Julie posted that Mir needed prayers. I came right over and read your post. I read, and felt, the pain you are feeling. What I can give you is the light at the end of your tunnel...Jesus. He loves YOU, just the way you are.

upinthecosmos said...

I only wish you could focus more on how far you have come rather than the little way you have left to go and are struggling with. Enjoy it, you're beautiful when you are happy 7 smiling:-)

Lalie said...

I've been a lurker for a few months. I suffer with thyroid issues and depression as well. Getting back on track with stuff myself this month. I can't even imagine how it must feel to have the arthritis on top of it.
I just stopped by to say your blog has been an inspiration and I'm doing the E2E challenge on my own with a scrapbook. Thank you so much for your blog!


Anne H said...

YOU are beautiful!
And full of Hope... and FAITH!
That's you for sure.

Jordan said...

I echo the thoughts of everyone else that's commented. You do what you need to do; healthy foods, move as much as you can, look for the sunlight. It is there. We are with you.

Laryssa said...

I understand your pain somewhat and wish there was something I could do or say to make it all better. Instead I'll pray that God brings your mind and heart peace.

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." (John 14:27)

Living in my Magic Garden

spunkysuzi said...

You have so much going on. You are such a special person. Caring and supportive of others.
I totally understand how depression affects people. I've been there and it is sometimes so hard to fight your way out of it.
I'm definitely keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. You are stronger than you know.

Jane Cartelli said...

Dear dear Mir -
These days can suck the will out of us. Hang on. They come and go. We have a saying where I come from: Don't leave or you will miss your miracle.

oh, and that picture of you: I would listen to what that girl has to say. Looking forward to hearing you.