Why? Let's say I went stupid. I had things I normally don't eat. I had half a block of tofu with my veggies for dinner. No, not a lot of calories, but I had had a bar with soy protein as a snack. Not a lot of calories. A very low sugars and high fiber bar. But NOT part of my "food identity". And then I had chocolate dipped apricots.
Yeah, yeah. I dunno. I shrug at myself.
It's funny, cause I'm pretty in control with chocolate these days--hell, these months, this past year plus. I keep sugar-free choco in the house, and sometimes get small squares of dark with sugar (the 86% Ghirardelli). It can sit on the table and not tempt me. Not one bit. I will have one square and be happy when I have it. Like a dessert treat. I've eaten chocolate all along this weight loss journey, in measured and counted amounts, with meals. I account for the calories.
But yesterday, it was like sliding a bit into old habits. I felt the urge for MORE. Granted, it was the sugary chocolate they dipped the dried apricots in (dang, those apricots were good, didn't need the chocolate, to be honest). Wanting MORE was the danger signal for me. I do not want to want more of any food. Not just "want more." WANT MORE! With exclamation points.
So, that's a food off my list. It's now officially A TRIGGER.
I can have X and Y and Z chocolate, and not get the "WANT MORE". Not this baby.
And for some reason, I just wanted tofu. It's weird. I have it on my "crap toxic stuff not to have" list....but I wanted some. With vegetables. Curried up. So, I bought the block, got me the broccoli and cabbage and carrots and used up a whole gorgeous package of organic gourmet mushrooms (they were so beautiful I could have wept). A WHOLE BIG PACKAGE...and yes, mushrooms I let myself have a whole box. Even my dietitian has them in the "free, eat as much as you want" list. hah. These were so fresh looking and beautiful, that I should have snapped a pic. BUT...I was crazy hungry.
And I was crazy hungry cause of those damn choco-apricots. The sugars. I know it. All sorts of cravings followed.
So dinner had a lot of veggies, and 1/3rd of a papaya for dessert.
Today, I need to stop and reflect on my actions yesterday. I didn't behave like "me". The new me. I didn't fully behave like the old me, thank God. But that was like another person inhabiting my skin. What was that?
I need to deconstruct that and learn: Every step that led me to let loose of my eating identity long enough to hit the sugar and the soy.
(Note, I do allow myself fermented soy without guilt on occasion, like miso--forget natto--but as someone with thyroid issues, soy ain't my pal. And you can read over at Mark Sisson's DAILY APPLE or other primal/paleo or Food Renegade's blogg about why soy ain't your friend, either.)
It's always good to look back and see why one took the steps, the actions, made the decisions. It's sometimes just being "a brat" and sometimes it means another thing. But it means something when it's a deviation from routine.
And I deviated last week, too, with the lentils. For me, it's not even the carbs...it's the anti-nutrients in these food that concerns me. And maybe the expansion mentality expanded TOO FAR subconsciously.
Could be. Possible. Meandering leading to more meandering...
Today, back to food identity and food routine. :D
Now, if only my knee would stop b**ching. It's acted up since Monday. I was afraid I'd have to take a walking break, but I slowed down my pace a bit, and am still doing my 30-35 mins.
I've had knee issues since the 80s, and now I have arthritis on top of it, and small aches build into my day. But manageable so far. It's the jamming/instability thing that's scary. I wonder if it will give out when I'm away from home and I won't be able to hobble back...but hey, I press on.
Yesterday, I voted, so I walked there and back. Got another wolf whistle (no, not the same dude). I'll take the props. So, for this week, I have 1 strengthening and 2 walking sessions.
Fluids were okay, but not at the level I'd like yesterday, and that may figure into the weirdness, too.
Today...I press on. I will have my fluids, eat my "better" food, and plan for Friday's day out. I fear the temptations, given yesterday. I normally don't. Normally, I go in fearlessly to any place, scan the menu for "acceptables"....
We're going to my endo appt, then, barring any distractions, heading off to the museum to see the exhibition from the Uffizi. Hubby took a day off to do this with me, and I want to enjoy it. Hopefully, the endo will have some clue as to my droopies. If not, we'll have to search elsewhere for cause.
So, did fine Sun-Mon and had a weird Tues. So, no weirdness today: that's the goal.
On we go, let's be better and better and...be well.