I had some scary thoughts in my head a couple of times yesterday...and this morning. This plateau/whatever-it-is is starting to F with my Head.
First, the background: I've never been this long on a diet. Ever. I've never had this many accumulated lost pounds stay off, ever. And I've never been anorexic, bulimic, or done the sporadic fasting or any other weird diet thing. I never did the Cabbage Diet or Food all One Color A Day diet or detox or eat only fiber cookies or any other weird thing that promises FAST FAST FAST weight loss.
Basically, I liked food too much to try anything extreme.
So, yesterday, when my brain started getting this little voice: Just stop eating. Maybe just eat dinner. How about just stay in bed, sleep all day, and don't eat anything at all.Yeah, just sleep for a day straight...
Same thing this morning with the immovable scale darkening my mood.
Don't eat breakfast. Skip lunch. Just one egg. Just water and coffee, maybe.
Okay, now I get it. I totally get how women start to do weird diet shit. I never ever understood before, but I do now. It comes on, creeps in, doesn't it?
Oh, well, I came on here to confess that, cause it scared me. And cause I am gonna go eat my sound brekkie--egg white, toast, fruit, milk-- and refuse to listen to those weird, alien, who-are-you-and-where-did-you-come-from voices.
This not-budging weight, though I'm eating at the 1200 calorie level and exercising nearly DAILY in some way, is messing with me. Really messing with my spirit.
Today, I had to drag myself out of bed. I did not wanna wake up. And this though I'm smart enough to know that I've seen dieters go through the plateaus and suffer them and eventually the shiny sky comes again and things get moving.
Intellectually, I know that. Emotionally, it's messing with me.
I behave well, so I want my damn rewards, ya know?
It ends up feeling unjust--and though this whole metabolism thing is unjust as well, just look at your pal who can eat four cows and twelve cherry pies and stay size 4-- there is a greater sense of not getting the paycheck when you did the hard work.
Hopefully, it's not a depressive episode coming on--the "stay in bed and sleep" thing is generally the first symptom for me-- cause then the whole weird voice that says to do something extreme could be a new part of the whole depressive thing....
Anyway, yesterday I walked 25 mins, Monday, too. I plan to do that again today if it doesn't rain. I need the light and air and just to clear my head with the cool winds. I wanna see egrets and ospreys and funny little dogs and say hi to strangers to lift my mood.
Calories yesterday: 1232
Water: met and exceeded
Exercise: walked, torso raises, squats, no-go on the pushups.
Sleep: 7.5 hours
Hunger: some mid-level pangs in the evening, but calmed after 30 mins with water. No desire to binge.
On the push-ups. I tried until I was nauseous from the effort. No go. I could not do them.
I never have been able, not when I was a kid, not when I was thin and in junior high, not in my 130s in high school, not in the gym in 2002. Never. I thought maybe after 2.5 years of doing bicep curls, pectoral exercises, triceps exercises, modified ones on fitness balls and barrels (at a 45 degree angle), that I'd manage, you know, some. No....not one in proper form as described in the packet. Oh, well. For those of you who managed 20 push-ups in good form, I congratulate you. I clearly have some sort of weird body!
And please tell me I'm not the only one who's been sore from these strengthening thingies. On top of my usual Pilates soreness, it's like, wow! Inner thighs are definitely complaining.
So, today, I'm gonna focus on just keeping on and not losing heart cause I'm doing things right and the scale won't move as it should. There's no reason other than the plateau/starches/or depression theory or a combo thereof that I am not dropping nicely at 1200 when I was dropping roughly .2 lbs a day at 1500. No sense that.
I put on a nice soothing ladies talk show (their voices are calming) and just hope the voices stay away. I don't like peeking into that particular ED abyss.
I wish you a lovely and wellness-focused Wednesday.