Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Day 10 Phase 4: Where I begin to understand the seeds of the "other" kind of disordered eating, Yesterday's Challenge Particulars, and where the Princess still can't frakkin' do Push-Ups!

I had some scary thoughts in my head a couple of times yesterday...and this morning. This plateau/whatever-it-is is starting to F with my Head.

First, the background: I've never been this long on a diet. Ever. I've never had this many accumulated lost pounds stay off, ever. And I've never been anorexic, bulimic, or done the sporadic fasting or any other weird diet thing. I never did the Cabbage Diet or Food all One Color A Day diet or detox or eat only fiber cookies or any other weird thing that promises FAST FAST FAST weight loss.

Basically, I liked food too much to try anything extreme.

So, yesterday, when my brain started getting this little voice: Just stop eating. Maybe just eat dinner. How about just stay in bed, sleep all day, and don't eat anything at all.Yeah, just sleep for a day straight...

Same thing this morning with the immovable scale darkening my mood.

Don't eat breakfast. Skip lunch. Just one egg. Just water and coffee, maybe.

Okay, now I get it. I totally get how women start to do weird diet shit. I never ever understood before, but I do now. It comes on, creeps in, doesn't it?

Oh, well, I came on here to confess that, cause it scared me. And cause I am gonna go eat my sound brekkie--egg white, toast, fruit, milk-- and refuse to listen to those weird, alien, who-are-you-and-where-did-you-come-from voices.

This not-budging weight, though I'm eating at the 1200 calorie level and exercising nearly DAILY in some way, is messing with me. Really messing with my spirit.

Today, I had to drag myself out of bed. I did not wanna wake up. And this though I'm smart enough to know that I've seen dieters go through the plateaus and suffer them and eventually the shiny sky comes again and things get moving.

Intellectually, I know that. Emotionally, it's messing with me.

I behave well, so I want my damn rewards, ya know?

It ends up feeling unjust--and though this whole metabolism thing is unjust as well, just look at your pal who can eat four cows and twelve cherry pies and stay size 4-- there is a greater sense of not getting the paycheck when you did the hard work.

Hopefully, it's not a depressive episode coming on--the "stay in bed and sleep" thing is generally the first symptom for me-- cause then the whole weird voice that says to do something extreme could be a new part of the whole depressive thing....

Anyway, yesterday I walked 25 mins, Monday, too. I plan to do that again today if it doesn't rain. I need the light and air and just to clear my head with the cool winds. I wanna see egrets and ospreys and funny little dogs and say hi to strangers to lift my mood.

Calories yesterday: 1232
Water: met and exceeded
Exercise: walked, torso raises, squats, no-go on the pushups. 
Sleep: 7.5 hours
Hunger: some mid-level pangs in the evening, but calmed after 30 mins with water.  No desire to binge.

On the push-ups. I tried until I was nauseous from the effort. No go. I could not do them.

I never have been able, not when I was a kid, not when I was thin and in junior high, not in my 130s in high school, not in the gym in 2002. Never. I thought maybe after 2.5 years of doing bicep curls, pectoral exercises, triceps exercises, modified ones on fitness balls and barrels (at a 45 degree angle), that I'd manage, you know, some. No....not one in proper form as described in the packet. Oh, well. For those of you who managed 20 push-ups in good form, I congratulate you. I clearly have some sort of weird body!

And please tell me I'm not the only one who's been sore from these strengthening thingies. On top of my usual Pilates soreness, it's like, wow! Inner thighs are definitely complaining.

So, today, I'm gonna focus on just keeping on and not losing heart cause I'm doing things right and the scale won't move as it should. There's no reason other than the plateau/starches/or depression theory or a combo thereof that I am not dropping nicely at 1200 when I was dropping roughly .2 lbs a day at 1500. No sense that.

I  put on a nice soothing ladies talk show (their voices are calming) and just hope the voices stay away. I don't like peeking into that particular ED abyss.

I wish you a lovely and wellness-focused Wednesday.

12 comments:

Diandra said...

Ouch, that sucks. Have you tried measuring? Maybe the weight is shifting and coming off, only you don't see it right away?

(If it is any consolation... yesterday I weighed 2lbs more than on christmas eve, but I now fit into the pants that were too small back then - I lost about 5cm around the hips!)

The Better Idiot said...

There is sense to this, you're doing too much on too few calories. It's not fair, but it is sense. The change in tone of your blog and thinking since you switched down your calories has been pronounced. I know I've said this before and you want to keep giving it a go, but I think you should up your calories again, you may get a bump up the first few days, but it will go and then you'll start losing again. Even at your old calorie level I would have said it may take time for your body to adjust to the new activity level beofre you see change, but at 1200 I'm really not shocked that things have stopped.

Karen Butler Ogle said...

(((((Princesss)))) I feel ya. I know how frustrating it is when you do everything right and the scale doesn't move. It happened off and on throughout the first months following my weight loss surgery. I stuck strictly to plan, logged every thing and still there were weeks with no loss. I think that not matter what we do sometimes, the body needs time to adjust when we make changes. I believe you will see the loss you are expecting if you stick with it. Listen, I'm not able to do the push-ups the proper way either. I can't get on my toes at all per the broken one that is healing so I'm doing the girly ones and raising from the knees, however even then, I cannot lower myself and my chest completely to the ground and then raise back up again. I'm going down as far as I can, unless my arm muscles tremble, and then back up. I finish the rep and sets but it takes me longer to do those than all the others combined. And it HURTS. My arms and shoulders ache and so does my lower abdomen. I was concerned last night that I had really pulled something but it was better today. Just keep trying, dear. Do the best you can. Modify them if you need to. Just don't give up though. Keep trying and believe me it will get easier. Hugs.

Allan said...

Here is what is great about the internet. Read the Better Idiot's idea. This woman that just dropped 22 pounds, and is anticipating getting to near 230 pounds in a year should tell you that your plan will not work. Follow hers. Or, listen to trained professionals that actually deal with weight loss. Patience, trust the plan, and follow the plan.

lv2 said...

Add me to the push ups a problem group. I could do 200+ situps in the past and maybe 2 pushups and with rotator cuff problems i think i sort of did a half pushup....so im starting some bicep/tricep ex and will keep trying but i dont want to hurt myself. I did notice that the 1st set are getting better and i think my form is improving as those muscles are getting streched out a bit. As long as you get a good mix of protein etc i also tend to think you will start to show a loss again....in the past it never seemed to matter what cal count i did, at some point i would stop losing for 2-3 weeks and then suddenly start again.....if you think something is out of balance maybe see your doctor and have your lab checked. That may tell you more than anything else if what you're eating is good...mine is making me check monthly due to the large amts of liquid and my electrolytes, and protein levels looked great in dec...just keep doing your best and you will succeed!

Mrs. D said...

Princess- this is exactly why I had to drop out of Phase 4. I followed 1200 almost immediately after joining and can count the number of days I went over on one hand. I hit a plateau in December though. I saw my doctor 1/3 and talked to her (cried at her, same thing) because I WAS getting crazy thoughts about it. Obsessing will absolutely not help, and she advised giving myself more wiggle room. She didn't think 1200 was bad, just that doing that day in and day out was. So I'm allowing myself one day a week of increased calories (still not going much if any over goal calories). First week following her advice I'm showing a 2.8 lb loss.

I think you need time before deciding whether something won't work, BUT if it's affecting you emotionally like this, a change may be necessary. I'll cheer you on regardless. Do hate to see you so upset though :( so offering my 2 cents!

Kimberly said...

You are working out, feeling sore, eating 1200 calories and yet the scale won't give up a lower number fast enough. I get it. I like my payoffs too.

My suggestion? Put the scale away for a week. Get an exemption from Allan to not weigh in this week. I bet he will give it to keep you in the challenge.

You are doing all the right things. It is going to pay off eventually. But the scale is abusing you right now and that is just not good. I want you right there with me when I get to goal. I know you have it in you. If I can do this, you can do this.

Break up with the damn scale until a week from Sunday. You two need some time apart.

Julie said...

I've had lots of those damn scale weeks. I just keep plugging along and evenutally the scale moves again. I am working with Allan, trying my best to do what's on plan. The push up are playing havoc with my shoulder but am trying. I do work out at the gym 3-4 times a week so if I can't get the pushs done perfectly I've done something else to replace that.
Keep going girl. Plateau are normal and one week the scale may not move but the next week it might and the thrid week it will. Have patience and keep up the great work. You can do this, I have faith in your. I know you can.
Take care and God Bless!!

Ann (-51 lbs in -60 lb challenge) said...

Hey, no skipping meals - then you WILL mess up the metabolism.

You aren't in this boat alone, Princess. I'm right in here with you. The breeze has died down, we're adrift, but we're STILL IN THE BOAT. Keep th sails up, and when the wind returns, we'll move again. Stay off the scale for now, work the plan, and don't try second-guessing yourself.

I've done that before, with disasterous results.

I hit a nearly 4-week plateau in September, but stuck with it (this time), and what do you know? It worked. The weight started falling off again.

Are plateaus fun? Hardly the word I'd use to describe it. But don't blow the diet/exercise now, when it could be ending soon! Don't starve yourself. Don't skip meals. Stay steadfast. If you bring in the sails now, you won't catch the wind. And if you get out of the boat and swim, you won't make it. The ocean is a big place.

Sip the water. Eat the proper calories. Step away from the scale until Sunday morning. It is distracting you. Hey, if I can do this, so can YOU.

I'm frustrated, but equally stubborn. I can (and will) outlast this plateau. Then, it will be a good 4 months before I have to face one again. It is part of the journey, when the journey is a long one.

Instead of getting sad over the lack of progress, get MAD. Tell that body, "I can outlast you!!" Then do it, show the bod that you mean business and the brain is queen of the domain.

We're plateau buddies - seeing each other through this. Pep talks are FREE. Let's show everyone how to its done ....

xxox

Joy said...

This post made me sad because I know exactly what voices you are hearing. The voices say, well if 1200 isn't working, how about 1100 or 1000 or lower and then you're sent into an awful cycle. BUT! At least you are aware of the voices and can keep them at bay. This is something you should be proud of!

The best advice I can give is to just keep working the plan; the weight will come off. Keep your head up!

Debbi Does Dinner Healthy said...

Add me to the plateau buddy. It's been annoying the past 2 weeks. But I KNOW that 1200 calories is NOT dangerous and we are NOT in starvation mode (that is ridiculous). I KNOW that eating 1200 calories, with the amount of fat that we have, we WILL eventually lose the weight. It's not like it's just going to stay there forever. It's hard to be logical though when you are working your butt off and your weight stays the same or increases everyday. Stick with it. It will pass. It HAS to!

I'm annoyed as I can't even blame my period for it. Next week I will for SURE gain with it so it's going to be at LEAST 2 weeks before I see anymore loss. Stick. With. It.

Karen Butler Ogle said...

Princess,
just stopping by to let you know you have a blog award over on my blog. You can stop by and pick it up anytime. Congratulations and have a nice day.:)