Sad things, bad things...and maybe I need to blog here again before my milestones get crushed to dust...and a Hurricane Sandy relief fundraiser for those of you who write fiction...

I got on the scale today and saw: 180 lbs.

I kid you not. I freaked a bit. Just a bit. Got off the scale, and went. OK....back to basics.

I have an appointment with the trainer (Pilates) on MOnday. I will consult with her on how to have a more affordable workout plan at the studio (meaning classes, which ones, when, etc). I'll be back to walking, since sitting and writing burns like zip calories.

I'm back to my organic coop. Picked up my first share and ready to eat fruits and veggies in abundance.

You know, I hit a low of 169.8 when I lost my appetite after hubby lost his job. That was early July. And then, it crept up. I got lazy. Things got in my diet that hadn't been in it for a while, such as sugar. Not huge quantities at first, just a taste here and there of, oh, chocolate marzipan.

And this is how the fat comes back, my dears. This is exactly how.

A scosh over 10 pounds higher in four months. Bit by bit. Creep by creep. A pound this week, a pound next week. No binges. Not a single binge. Just an extra serving here, and not measuring there, and sitting on my butt on the couch instead of moving and breathing hard and sweating.

So, I'm FIVE pounds away from being obese again FIVE. You know how easy that would be? Oh, snap. I could blink and it's here. Losing five pounds is hard, hard work. Gaining it just requires you do...nothing.

Okay, so 180 lbs today. A slap in the face. A reproach from the scale. A reality check. A failure.

I became a lazy ass again. I got lax.

But you know what can happen today? You do what's needful. You get back to what was done before. I did it for two years (the eating control) and I did it for 4 years (the exercising). So, I do it again. And again.

You start again. From right here. :)

I'm sad today, and I wept, and it wasn't because of my weight. I got over the freak and am fine about that. I know what to do, just have to stop being slothful.

What made me weep is that  a friend died. His wife is now a widow. His daughters are now fatherless. He had a congenital condition that no doubt contributed to the coma and eventual death--though doctors remain mystified. But he was younger than I am, one year younger. Because I am a person of a particular faith, I believe we will be hanging out together again one day, but his family's loss just makes me so, so sad.  And then it reminded me of my nephew, and his being gone, and well. It's been a weepy day.

Then I visit a couple of blogs, blogging and dieting pals from when I began this blog , and one is dealing with severe medical issues and severe regain. Another is having a personal life upheaval, and severe regain. One has lost worldly possessions, and is probably regaining. One has a hubby with cancer, with a slight regain.

But in all these cases, the regain is the least of it, right? It's peanuts compared to the rest. Because, really, when it's about serious health issues or serious relationship problems or major disaster upheavals or ...DEATH...weight pales in comparison. It hurts and it sickens and it frustrates, but it's far worse to lose the ones we love, whether we lose them (or being with them) due to grave illness, mental issues, divorce, or whatever.

Weight matters. But other things matter more.

This is putting things in perspective. I'm not down and weepy today because I regained. I'm down because a good guy is gone from this place and his family is heartbroken and irrevocably changed. Someone who worked hard to be healthy to overcome what could not be intrinsically fixed. But he's still gone early.

To Beth. Keep the hope, hold on. To Karen: keep the faith, hold on, believe in miracles. To Big A: I know you'll be fine, cause you're one tough mother,  but don't let the stress make you lose what you gained with so much hard work.  You have the most precious things safe, the rest will come back. Jo: what can I say? Be strong for yourself and for him, and believe.

I hope y'all praying folks out there will keep these bloggy pals in mind.

I have no excuse, see? These folks have serious things going on right now, not I.My time came before-- job losses, disaster damages (of a MUCH MUCH slighter sort than A's major smack from nature), health crises, and the worst, deaths-- and my time will come again, cause that's life. Shit happens. Then sunshine. Shit happens again, then sunshine. Repeat, repeat. Die.

Yes, I have things intrinsically defective about me, but all I have to do is look back on this blog to when I was doing the needful things. The things I need to do again. I HAVE NO EXCUSE.

Nearly two years ago on this blog, when I was 53 or so pounds heavier than I am now,  I wrote that the reason I needed to do it--lose weight, get healthier-- was because "' time is running out."

Guess what, I have even less time than when I first put this  image on my blog:

Time moves on, even if we sit still and get nothing done about what we want related to, well,whatever--fat, fitness, work goals, personal relationship goals, spiritual goals.

Whatever it is you and I want to change, we only have RIGHT NOW. You have no guarantees, neither do I, that we have the next hour or next day or next year. A hurricane can hit a big city and take away a home, a car, a loved one. A plague. A cancer. A car accident. Anything can happen. This moment right now is all you know you have.

Wanna do something in your life? I know I want to, and I'm a procrastinater by nature. If it's tough, I wanna do it...later.

You better do it now.

Me, too.

And I guess I better get back to my weigh-ins and accountability. I want this happy weight "after" to stay happy. :D

Be well, my dears. And if you have a moment, pray grace and comfort over the Dorta family.

ADDENDUM:  This is for those of you who are writing novels and might desire feedback from established/published authors (these are CBA authors, Christian fiction). There is a fundraiser underway. Get a published author to critique first 50 pages of your work. You'll have to bid. Here is the information.  All proceeds go to Hurricane Sandy relief via Samaritan's Purse (I remember they did really good aid work after H. Rita). My church has gathered money and supplies and sent folks up north to help out, including folks to do manual labor. We're one nation, so yeah, we should help out, right?

Probably up some from crazy appetite this week, and thanks for the prayers!

I haven't weighed in a couple days, but last time it was 171.8, so up 3 lbs from lowest. Been eating really, really salty and two days I just ate too much. Hunger is way up...so must address this.

I do want to say thank you very much. Hubby began his new job this morning. So, nearly 7 weeks searching, dozens of applications, only two interviews, but hey, one stuck. :D  It's not contract though most of the open positions were contracts, no benefits, and half or so his previous salary. It's full-time, salaried, with benefits. Not the same pay as previously, but more than the other jobs he'd been pursuing.  God is good!

My gratitude overflows for those who remembered us in prayer.

I have to get to my own work now. I have a lot of writing to do and a lot of work in the home to do (the decluttering and organizing project which is MASSIVE). We need to do some repairs and updating (costly, but I guess we'll do it bit by bit). And I need to prepare a budget to squeeze money for the home fix-ups from the new salary.

And I need to get back into an exercise routine, which has been non-existent for nearly 2 months. My bad. It's astounding how much muscle you lose being a slug again. I can feel the change, see it. My hard legs and arms have gone to mush. Sigh. I regret that.

My only other regret today is we didn't get to have a week's vacation. He was so busy studying and applying for jobs, and I figured we'd have some days or a week before the new job. But they wanted him to start immediately. It would have been nice to take a week to just bum around the city seeing sights and having fun.

That will come. For now, just some easing of the major stress.

Thanks again. Be well...

The Ease with Which New Habits Fade and Old Habits Reimpose...it's Scary! AND Some Pics of Me Now at 170 lbs.

I'm still alive. :D  Stress is a daily thing and hubby is still hunting for work, but we took time yesterday to enjoy a beach worship service.

My legs, loose capris, and the gospel of Luke

The sand fleas and mosquitoes were fierce, and before we were done, lots of scratching going on--blame it on not enough wind, a flattish sea,  and the stagnantish water from the Intracoastal. The strip where the service went on was a narrow bit of beach between Intracoastal and the Atlantic.

The pastor said it was usually fine when the wind blew well. Pelicans and seagulls flew overhead and beachgoers laughed and bathed. Some swimming and paddleboarding. Some fishing off the pier. Nice to see some roped off areas where sea turtles were being protected prior to hatching. :D

I sat on a nylon bag on the sand and looked at how I've lost muscle off my legs. Seriously, I have not exercised in more than a month, and it shows. I feel less dense. I feel less strong. Bad old habit reimposed. And now I have to remotivate myself to move and recreate the nicer shape/density I had. It's tough. Nearly back to being the old slothful me. Not good.

Yes, it's THAT easy to get out of good habits. 

Hubby sat behind me, much less attacked by the wee bitey things. I guess I was his wall of protection. They were too busy munching on me.

Hubby with the Dania Beach pier behind him

After we closed the service with a worship song--"His love never fails"--I headed to the water to get some saltwater on my bites. I rolled up my loose capris and splashed water on arms and legs and then just played a bit.

beach joy

It was a lovely respite from studying, writing, job hunting, worrying. Yay for sun and water and seabirds and songs and kids laughing and encouraging words and an amazing moon rising over the ocean. (I didn't get a good pic, sigh).

Sunday I was 170.4, and then had a family thanksgiving dinner (a relative was healing well after a life-threatening event and ICU stay). I ate traditional Cuban fare--meaning not a whole lotta veggies, lots of starch, and flan. First time I have a really sugary regular dessert in ages. I forgot how good that crap is. ; )

I'm at 170.0 today. Appetite returned to normal (not binge normal, just normal for the last couple years), and I'm back to my two meals and roughly 1600 calories, not the 500-800 when the anxiety first hit.  My lowest was 168.6, and then I bounced up to 172 and back down, depending on the salt level of my foods.

So, my body is mushier sans nearly daily exercise, sans Pilates. My appetite is normalized. And I keep the faith that good things will come.

But I definitely need to set goals again for movement and not mess up after good progress.

Habits die hard if they're bad, and die easy if they're good sometimes. So, we must be on the alert. Always. Always....

God bless. Be well.

9 Pounds From Goal Weight... :O Wish I could be happier about it...

Today, Tanita-San said this: 169.8

I was shocked. I've longed to weigh less than hubby, which has been NOT the state of things for the majority of our marriage. But today, I was .8 lbs more than his weigh-in o f 169.0 on the same scale.

 4 pounds less than a week ago. FOUR.

Wow.

Anxiety/stress, just freaking in this bleak job market with NO income coming in right now, has pretty much put the kibbosh on my appetite.

I have NOT been exercising. At all.

I have had disturbed sleep.

And I've been trying to help hubby with his job search.

All that while watching pennies, continuing to plot/write, and strategizing how to become employable. Trust me, even with two degrees, when a person is out of the job market for 22 years, employability is near nil. Plus being over 50 brings a new discrimination factor.

It's tough in our household these days. And I pray and pray to calm my freakout.

Well, that's the update. Prayers continue to be much appreciated.

Please, be well...better than me. Cause this is NOT the way to lose weight.

Weight Milestones--when you get to a memory point

Many blogs ago, here and on my old blog, I had talked about weight milestones, those numbers that had special significance. Sometimes, the milestone was about crossing obesity/weight levels: not being severely morbidly obese, not being morbidly obese, not being obese, etc.

Sometimes, it's because we REMEMBER being a certain weight, with all the accompanying nostalgia/events. I remember being 172. I remember my skin being tauter Ya don't lose 127 lbs without serious loose skin issues. I remember doing aerobics and yoga at this weight. I remember doing low-fat/high carb (oodles of pasta). I remember wearing white shorts and a white tank when working out at home. I was 26 or so. Young!

This 172 is 52. It's got saggy, crinkly skin from big weight loss. It has less energy than 26 year old 172.

I remember wishing I was slimmer and reading diet books at 172. Dissatisfied with my body, though not horribly so. Just discontent.

Now, I see 172 differently. It's inevitable. Get to 300 lbs and 172 seems like a dream come true. It is a dream come true. Only it's an imperfect dream, because there are consequences, there is aging, there is, right now, all the anxiety and stress that I'm dealing with that saps joy.

So, it was emotional when I stepped on the scale. 172. One of those weights that had meaning and memories attached, for whatever reason the brain holds on to such matters.

I suspect all of us who dieted or watched weight have milestone numbers in mind, numbers from the past that aren't just numbers, but have clear feelings and states of mind and visual memories attached to the number.

Do you?

Stress and the Scale--a new low, and some hopeful news...

I'm feeling a bit better, anxiety-wise, after getting sleep two nights in a row. Hallelujah!

Been so busy, between some stuff we had to do--job searching, taking company info notes for hubby; decluttering in case we need to move; and attending Supercon, which we had paid for BEFORE the lay-off and I thought I'd not enjoy, but it helped distract me, so worked fine.

I only had moments of that bone-rattling, shaking, nerves and palpitations anxiety/panic over the last couple days. Mostly, been praying, busy, and even danced 2 hours last night at the Supercon concerts.

Thank you so much, those who have prayed for us. I appreciate that more than these typed words could express, as I believe in the power of corporate prayer--prayers of like mind, of agreement.

Well, the good news is two-fold. 1. I'm at a total new low: 176.6  Weird, so weird. I stepped on the scale like 5 times thinking it had to be a blip. But no, five times it gave the same reading. That makes for 122.4 lbs lost total.

Good news #2 is that hubby had an interview today and they liked him enough for them to ask for him to come in for round 2 of interviews. Obviously, I researched the company for him, and it's a good one, a local one, and it would be a huge blessing for him to get the position. Please pray!

I hope this week sees you all doing well...and better..and best! I'm sorry I've been so busy that I haven't stopped by my usual blogging fatfighter-pal blogs. Forgive my absence. I hope to be back encouraging y'all soon. But a zillion things have my attention right now.

God bless...

Checking In, Weigh-In, A CBS "toxic Sugar" video link, and a prayer request. :)

Man, amazing how time flies. It's been nearly two weeks since I checked in.

Okay, so weigh-in: 177.6 

That's a little over 3 lbs less than last Sunday, and that's back near to my lowest weight on this journey. That's good.

Here's the bad: the reason.  I've eaten a lot less (roughly 1000 cals) in the last 4 days. I've been on high anxiety and stressing. Hubby got laid off. So, yeah,  stress is high.

Normally, I'd dive into food for comfort. But, as anyone whose family income got shut down, you start economizing right off, and that means no eating out, take-out (or as minimal as possible). I'm using up what's in the house and drinking my whey protein when I don't feel like cooking. I spent two sleepless nights, and finally crashed and rested last night.

So, for the praying bloggers, I'd welcome prayers for , well, good employment for us, and fast. I don't want to drain savings. Thanks.

In clsoing, I wanted to pass along this link for a CBS 60 Minutes segment by Sanjay Gupta on sugar. If you misssed it back when they aired it, watch it. Worth seeing.

I'm convinced we need an anti-sugar-eating campaign like the no-smoking and no-drugs one. It won't eliminate it, and I wouldn't expect a total elimination. But if we can get people aware to LESSEN consumption and to demand hidden sugars be eliminated (bread doesn't NEED sugar, right) by not buying stuff with unnecessary included sugars, we'd all be better off. I mean, if we save sugar for rarer treats--a celebratory tarte or special hand-made truffle now and then--no one dies from that. But daily sugar ingestion in the sort of quantities and with hyperpalatable foods we have in modern life--the combo that really sets us up for overeating-- that is just deadly.

I began minimizing sugar intake when I first saw BITTER TRUTH (the video with Dr. Lustig that went viral a couple years back). I spent months and months when I didn't touch a thing with sugar. I got lax, allowed some real sugar treats in a few times a week along with my non-sugary ones. It was good to refresh myself with that video, to remind me to be vigilant. :)

Ditch the sugar, friends.

And be well...

Still Down a bit; Still Up A Bit; Time for Maintenance; and Working to Transition to Creative Project While Not Losing all Weight Loss Habits...

I'm at 180.0.
I'm still feeling down and apathetic.
I have barely left my house in the last 3.5 weeks.
I haven't gotten together with family since Mother's Day.

Yes, this is not good and this does not make me happy.

That I'm not right back into obesity (ie, 185+ pounds for me) is a miracle. Some good habits have held, thank God. But they can slip so easily. So easily. I see an extra portion here and there. Days with hardly any movement.

On the plus side:

I walked day before yesterday, 25 minutes, at night to counter my heat intolerance. It was nice, if a little scary: I live in a high crime area, so walking at night solo is a risk.

I marched in place yesterday for 15 minutes and did some stretches. I managed a teaser on my yoga a few times. So, I was happy.  Even late last year, I couldn't do that.

One of my reasons for losing weight was to improve my health and focus so I could tackle writing again. For those who haven't been reading my blogs for years, I used to write (poetry, fiction--both short and novel length-- and edit for online SF mags).  I won a few contests, started networking with fellow writers, and then had two editors from two publishing houses I was targeting ask to see my manuscript. Both were enthusiastic. Both contacted me; I did not contact them. They'd seen my chapter and were excited.

I freaked. All my neuroses went on hyper. I stopped being able to write. Blocked. It's been five years now. My fear overtook me.

So, getting healthy was about overcoming my blocks and compulsions, but I needed health to do that. So tackling my weight was the big #1 project to open doors to the things I want to do before I die. Like organize my life/home/finances. Like travel. Like socialize like normal folks, instead of being an urban hermint. Like write. And not just write ONE thing. Make writing a part of my life. Earn money doing it. :)

I've pretty much accepted that my body doesn't want to go lower than this maintenance range I've been in for more than 7 months. The sacrifices in burning calories and lowering food intake are not feasible for me. We all come to conclusions about what we are WILLING to do, willing to suffer, willing to put out for an outcome.

I'm not willing to sacrifice more for a slimmer physique.

This is it. I have hit the wall and the wall is okay. I am not unhappy at this weight. As long as I don't slack on exercising--like I have with this depression--as long as I get back to consistent working out, I can live well here. 178 to 181 is not a range that disgusts me.

I accept it.

If later, I want to tackle it strongly again, I'll reconsider. But mentally and physically, I seem to have hit the place where eating modestly (1600 calories) and working out without feverishness has settled me.

I am content, if not deleriously pleased. :)

I want to move on to the other big projects. Organization and Creating with Words.

I can't give the last 20 lbs my undivided focus when I have to move forward. Time is fleeting. I can live at this weight. So, I will now focus on MAINTENANCE. I may have to shift to another blog name, since I am no longer focused on hitting 160 by Sept 3. I am focused on maintaining this range I've been maintaining (177 to 181 or so) while doing the other projects.

How this transition will happen, blog-wise, I'm not sure. I may rename this one, or open another blog. But I need to move on to finding my writing and organization mojo (they are linked, in my mind).

With the iffiness of hubby's employment situation--his company is doing big layoffs--organization and financial revamping becomes even more key. We may have to move cross-country. Who knows? Hope not, but preparation can't hurt. Just in case.  I want to think of it as an adventure, and fight my neuroses telling me it's panic time.

I'm hoping FERVENTLY that my creative brain didn't decay too much through disuse these last 5 years. If I created something that interested editors in 2006 and 2007, then I can do it again. I hope. :D  It will take months to get back into writer mode. I start..today!

There ya go. This is where I am. Moving along to Projects 2 (and 3).  Yep. This one panel comic says it for me:

Be well...

RfS Mini-Challenge~~ Letters To Myself: You have changed. STAY CHANGED!

Hubby and I, 2003

Hubby and I, 2012

Letters to myself --past, current, and even future:

Hey, Past me!

What a long, hard, exciting, self-discovering road you started online 5 years ago on May of 2007. You didn't know it then, but you were gonna try a host of things to get over your obesity and food issues. You messed up...a lot. But you didn't give up. THANKS for not giving up.

For a lifetime, you fought the body images and propensity to chub up, then fatten up, then obese up. You got to 299, began blogging at 279, and now, five years later, you're 179. Good for you! 100 pounds less than when you started blogging for weight loss. It worked. The blogging helped. It was the right thing to do.

You lost years --decades--to illness and poor habits. You lost opportunities to fear and self-loathing. But you didn't lose hope.

You took hold for a last fighting chance in 2010...and it worked. Losing 120 pounds takes serious mojo--real commitment--no matter the path one takes. For us  (you, me) , it was not a surgical path--though that was strongly taken into consideration as an option. It wasn't a drug-assisted path--cause, really,  you wanted to GET OFF drugs, not get on more, and you didn't plan to stay on any drug for long term (and I'm old enough to remember the horrors of the Fen-Phen).

I'm off the high blood pressure pills. I have resolved the prediabetes. Ya done good.

Hello, current me. What you got to say?

Well: It was not a solitary path,  which surprised the introvert in me.  Though in the end, for all of us,  it comes down to the "I"  doing it, still, I did it with a blog and with bloggy pals and with challenges and with online research and reading and trying and failing and trying again. It was a bumpy road, crazy bumpy road, before I hit on things that I liked and that worked: Pilates, walking, eating with fewer starches and eliminating gluten and most simple sugars. Eating lots of organic veggies, fruits and good protein. Lots and lots of fluids. Lots of mutual encouragements.

It was the path of learning and moving and portioning and studying and rah-rahing. It was the day by day, meal by meal, full of introspection type of path. It was a path supported by people of all types who had a similar fight to fight. And that I have ended up leading challenges was revelatory, as it became a big tool for ME to help others.

Right now, it's a rough patch. With 19 pounds to goal weight, those 19 pounds feel as monumental as the 139 I initially looked at losing. It feels far away and too hard. And maybe I won't get there. I'm thinking this way.

Whether I do or not get to that "magic number",  what is most important is to keep those good habits that took so much work to inculcate. FIGHT to keep them. FIGHT to not regain. FIGHT to learn more and eat better and move consistently.

Because I feel good. I feel better than I have in 22 years. I feel alive again. I feel pretty again. I feel strong. I do feel old--and I am old--but I feel younger than the morbidly obese me.

Little things daily add up to joy: wearing clothes from "non fat" stores. Crossing my legs. More limber sex. Bending over with ease. Playing ball. Walking as the moon rises without feeling like I'm gonna die out of breath. Not using a cart at the grocery store cause I can carry 5 bags  of stuff on my own. Fitting comfortably in my car with space between my belly and the steering wheel. Having my husband praise me and my efforts. Seeing his eyes looking at me like I'm his spanking new bride--again. Wearing dresses again. Liking how I look in pictures (which I pretty much never liked, but relativity and perspsective changes when one transforms).

299 lbs, 2004, "The Blouse" size 30/32

2012, trying on "The Blouse"
which can wrap around me...

Life is much better HERE. That's what I wish I could send back in time to myself in the 80s. Get there sooner.

But to my future self, I say:

Do not lose this blessing, this feeling, this rebirth. Keep this. Do better. Hold on. Remember that it's the majority who lose what they have gained due to complacency. Do not become complacent. Become...a person of good health habits. That's the crux. GOOD HEALTH HABITS....feed that. Nurture that.

You changed. You feel it, right? How internally, you inhabit a better landscape? You moved to a nicer town. The air is fresher. The sky is wider. The trees and flowers here are so beautiful. Don't go back to the dirt and noise and ugliness of the morbidly obese ghetto you found yourself stuck in. Stay here. If you move, move to an EVEN lovelier part of town.

STAY CHANGED. For life.

And life will be better because of it.

Don't lose this fight. Be a warrior...for your (my) own good.

And God bless you (me)> :D

Pounds To Goal Weight..really? Wow. How'd I Not Focus on that?..A Gal Who Lost What I Want and Plan To Lose and Has KEPT IT OFF (most important!)--ie, ROLE MODEL of HOPE.... And a Book I'm Gonna Pre-Order....and a blogroll purge...

I was reading one of the challenger's blogs in SLIMMER THIS SUMMER, and she was happy that she's only 21 pounds away from her goal weight.  Her "end is near."

I'm super happy for her, too. Isn't that what we all hope for. To complete our weight loss journey.

And I realized, as I commented on her post, that I'm 27 pounds away from my goal weight. (Although, I confess, as I'm pretty darn happy at my weight now, I think my goal weight may be adjusted a bit higher than the original 160. Perfectionist, I'm not. I just want health and sustainable mobile/flexible/normalish weight.)

Yep: 27 pounds away.

I remember when I was 139+ pounds away and it seemed utterly, totally, ridiculously hopeless. I was dispirited big time.

Then I was 129 pounds away and it seemed only slightly less hopeless, but hope had risen in my bosom some, and I started a weight loss blog in 2007.

Then I was 119 pounds away, and I felt mired, but not hopeless, and looked for all sorts of options/ways to make progress, with lots of backsliding, with lots of experimentation, with half-hearted attempts, but never again to that dread 139+ hopelessness.

Every 10 pounds made it less hopeless. Every 10 pounds NOT regained kept me NOT hopeless.

Then, momentum came, at last, God be praised, and every 10 pounds lost lit a fire and every 25 pounds lost made me feel utterly victorious. Though goal sure still felt so far away...

Now, I'm 27 pounds away, and these last pounds are the hardest, but the ones most full of joy and hope. Yes, I can see that finish line. Which is only a new starting line: maintenance.

I googled for "lost 140 pounds and kept it off" to find a role model. I used to do this with google back in 2007 and the couple years after. Looked for people who had lost more than 100 or 120 or 130 etc pounds. Now, I search not for those who lost it alone. I've seen too many regain who have lost those massive 100+ pounds.

I want to know who KEPT THE DARN WEIGHT OFF.

I found this gal: Debra Mazda. She looks mature, healthy, fit, but not perfect. She looks realistic. She looks like *I* could look if I kept going and got down to 160-165 and kept working out. She's a realistic role model for me. (And if I get an indication we'll still be in South Florida for my birthday next year, that cruise of hers sounds like something I can reward myself with for making goal/close to goal/new goal by Christmas.)

Seeing her look so vibrant at a weight HIGHER than my goal of 160 make me think, sure. I can be happy bigger than 160, if it's a HEALTHY, FIT, MUSCULAR 160+. I'm happy now. I can be happier. :D

Do you ever look for your size/your loss/your dream role models? Realistic, real-people role models? If not, start.

And  I hope one day I can be the "She kept the weight off for 5, 10, 15" years role model for someone who needs to lose 130+ pounds. Isn't this part of why we document and blog and give our insights out. To give hope to those who are where we WERE?

Thanks, Debra Mazda, for being one of those beacons of hope to the ones, like me, who had/have a long, long road to get to a happy weight.

So, now that I have time to read again, I am gonna pre-order this one (unless I learn it will come for the Nook, and wait for that): WHEAT BELLY: Lose the Wheat, Lose the Weight, and Find Your Path Back To Health by William Davis, M.D.

I feel loads better since ditching wheat/most grains, and I want to see what he says more in-depth about it. He, like Dr. Mercola, the Primal/Paleo folks, the New Evolution folks,  and the Jaminets of the Perfect Health Diet, pretty much show the value of going wheatless/gluten-free. For those with resistant appetites and Metabolic Syndrome or heart disease issues (especially inflammatory issues, like me), it's worth a look for sure.

I'm off to purge my blogroll on my old blog, then this one some time later or tomorrow. There are bloggers who haven't updated for weeks or months and it's time to say "adios". I posted/commented often to try to lure some back, but when folks wanna stay gone, well, what ya gonna do? They gave up and you can't make folks post, right? Time to remove them from the list and make room for those who are posting. Some will always be remembered fondly.

I'm also thinking of saying adios to some other bloggers who are active--even VERY active--and who I kept my on my old blog's linky blogroll,  but who have indirectly, probably even unknowingly, been insensitive or have caused me pain. Sometimes, you gotta do that, too. For mental health.

I wish my challengers and all fat-fighters a strong and happy Sunday. Beat your food demons. Beat your lethargic, couch-potato demons (my issue this new week, to get back to my exercise-girl persona habit). Let's win the war and win back our health!

My First Day Back to Finding Some Normality Again...random stuff, including some food stuff, some scary stuff, some weepy stuff, some spiritual stuff, some transformational stuff, wonderful stuff

I slept until I felt rested. Nice.

I weighed in, to get back in the habit: 187.6
New Low: Nice. And that with having two starch servings with dinner (boiled yuca with EVOO and garlic and 1/2 cup rice).

I had brown rice with breakfast. I guess that's my starch serving for today.

I prayed: Felt calm. I was bawling again last night (worried about sis' health), so this was a good feeling.

It had been a long time since I felt strong leadings from God or had anything like a vision, and I've had two this past month. I don't doubt that just the intensity of one's feelings, the extent of prayer time, and the more time spent in pondering spiritual things puts one in a more receptive mode. Perhaps, yes?

A call from someone from a very good company looking to see if hubby was interested. Interesting, but worrisome. I don't want to move away from family. This company has several locations in North America, and none are in the South Florida area. Hm. Mixed feelings here.

I have so much to do here--I'm talking seriously a ton of stuff that's frightening me, it's so overwhelming-- in order to position us to move, should that become necessary.

I've lived in the Eastern time zone all my life. ALL MY LIFE. I've never traveled out of it, unless Puerto Rico/St. Thomas counts. To be in Canada or California,etc, the very idea feels freaky. I'm so an "Eastern" gal. And now such a Florida gal. And really, such a Miami gal. It's just weird to imagine being someplace else. I'm praying NOT to have to be someplace else. But am trying to become more flexible, just in case.

I'm not feeling vexed at all these days about food. The temptations came daily and I fought them off. I didn't have a strict enough caloric count to lose much, but I felt really in control. It's a strange new feeling. I want to hold on to that for my whole life. I really like feeling NOT dominated by food desires. Feeling like I am becoming the master (mistress?) of my appetite.

I found the comments on this blog post really interesting. The complicated stuff around losing and keeping weight off, what is the best way to eat, etc, is endlessly interesting to me. I know part of my journey this time is learning what my body likes and can handle. What is optimum, and what is livable...  It's gotta be lifelong, and while some scoff at eating in a way NOW while losing that is livable for life, I think it's a rational way to proceed. I have to diet forever. It's just how it is. I want it to be enjoyable and nutritious, but not...obsessive. That's the path I am trying to forge...so far, so good. But since "pride goeth before a fall", I keep my eyes and ears and heart and mind open to new information and science and psychology and want to be a learner. Learn what's the latest, but adapt it to what "I" need to make it work.

I'm not panicking. I'm not anxiety-ridden (as I normally would be). Death puts other changes in a huge new perspective, a different context.

Anyway, I called hubby and asked if he'd be home in time to walk. Answer: yes.

Restarting old habits.

And...

New starts for new habits.

Today: A new day. "I will rejoice and be glad in it"...as much as I can.

Be well.

Update: on grief, exercise (not), stress eating (not), and what I've come to learn at this point in my journey...with apologies, too

Sorry to have just not been able to blog--or keep up with emails for that matter lately. We have our last evening of prayers (the novena of prayers) tonight. Tomorrow, I take a rest day from driving!

My sister is, as you can imagine, still in a bad way, but having dozens of folks surrounding her and praying with her every evening helps. We had a co-worker of my BIL come and do a short preaching segment on the hope in Christ for those who have lost loved ones (ie, the resurrection hope, hope of reunification in Paradise, etc).

I'm holding on. Have not exercised in 2.5 weeks, but am ready to resume Friday. My schedule will be semi-normal (I will still have a couple hours of driving, things with docs I put off, things with sisters/family.)

My eldest sis (who lost her son) is now exhibiting some disturbing cardiac symptoms (stress can't help). She'd been ill prior to his death--lupus is tentative diagnosis--and now the heart is being affected by the stress. So, well, it's hard.

I held on weight-wise. Got on the scale today: 188.2  No gain. A smidgen loss since this awfulness struck. Yes, fighting cravings is hard some days. Food is still and always will be a comfort lure. But I take my snacks with me where I go, stop in at supermarkets and get fruit and nuts and cold cuts if I have to, and drink my fluids.

And stress has been increased by the big layoffs at hubby's company. He's still there (the first round of dismissals are being done), and I pray he will continue to be employed. This means I have to reassess my Pilates. A bit of belt-tightening can't hurt.

I will say that despite my grief, stress, exercise interruptions, etc, I'm really proud I did not gain a pound. I would have before. I gained nearly 40 pounds the months my mom was dying. I've always gained weight in stressful situations since my teen years. I'm a stress/depression eater. I'm an emo-eater. This time, I used other comforts--hugs, classical music, religious radio programming, praying.

The battle goes on.

I hope that in the coming week I can be here more and regain momentum for some loss. Although, I will be honest, I feel really good where I'm at. If I never lost another pound, but held onto what I have and exercised to keep my muscle, I'd be fine. I really am in a good place weightwise and energywise and I think getting fitter helped me handle this better than I could have morbidly obese and unfit. I thank God I worked hard to get here.

I still want to get to goal (or very close). I think for my health, it's a worthy thing. But I did realize these two weeks that I 'm quite happy at 188, oddly. I thought I'd have to be in the 170s to be fine with my weight, but here I am. Oddly content.

But I still have my goals and I'm not surrendering. I want to discover new things about myself (though having even looser skin is something of a mental impediment, I know).

Anyway, I hope all the Slimmer This Summer Challengers are doing well. Forgive me for not checking up on y'all /commenting. I'll be able to do more next week, as life begins to get to a new, sadder, but more normal place.

Thank you so much, you lovely internet supporters, visitors, and pals, for your condolences. Thank you from my heart.

Update: Tragic

Sorry. I'm just not mentally able to be here daily....

My beloved nephew died Saturday. He never regained consciousness after his kidneys failed, the cardiac arrest, the coma...

My sister and the rest of us are heartbroken and, well...it sucks.

The memorial is tomorrow.

I have spent all my time at the hospital or with the sis. I did stay home today to catch up on sleep, have clean clothes for the memorial service, pay bills, take vitamins and eat regular food so I don't get sick from stress, etc.

I have been unable to exercise, but I did resist the endless array of Cuban traditional and junk food (cheese and guava pastries, fried meat patties, battered-fried steak, ham croquettes, arroz imperial, pork rinds, sugary coffee drinks) and American junk food (KFC, McDs) that people came around with. I took veggie platters and fruit&cheese trays and carried my nut butters/protein bars and sugar-free beverages.  I battled the insane desire to devour croissants by the dozen or jump into a vat of macaroni and cheese soup every time I got decaf coffee and salads at the hospital's Au Bon Pain. It was tough--I had raging comfort food cravings. I resisted. I have not gained weight.

Some relatives who came from out of town or hadn't seen me in a year did not recognize me. Walked right by  or saw me sitting right there and still asked, "Where's Mirtika?"  Others asked for diet advice. A lot. I got that a lot. It's very disconcerting, I've found, to be wildly complimented over and over when you are breaking down into tears all the time. But, I know it was kindly meant.

Today, after getting some needed rest and sleeping finally free of stress nightmares, I had a calm appetite return.Tomorrow's post-memorial family feast will be dealt with. I got through the worst. If I can NOT stress-eat at this awful time, clearly, I've changed. I can deal with any sort of food crap sitting for hours in front of my face. I wish I hadn't had to learn that, though, not like this.

I don't know when I'll check in again...cause I really need to be with family and my sis now (no computer/wi-fi at her house, she's a 70 year old tech-phobe). Fortunately, we're a close family, and we don't have to mourn solo....there's dozens of folks in and out, bringing comfort. It's at this time you are grateful the previous generation reproduced mightily.

I hope everyone out there is well. Please continue to hold and kiss and appreciate your loved ones while they are here. Take nothing for granted. Tomorrow--or the next minute--is not guaranteed.

And get healthy. For them.

Thank you for your kind comments and thank you for your prayers. He is with God now, my nephew, but I am so grateful for your comforting words and thoughts on our behalf. Please pray for my sister and BIL , who have the haunted eyes of parents who--like most parents-- never expected to have to bury their son.

Later...

Day 34 of 84 in the StSC: SwimSuit Sunday, dry and wet! And what you can wear if you have crinkly or saggy thigh skin/butt flesh and/or big tatas that need support...or are just modest... :)

Well, technically, it's Tankini Top and Swim Shorts Sunday.

Panache "Mae" underwire tankini top in 38E with
Coolibar swim shorts in XL at 189.4 lbs, July 9, 2011

I wanted to show what I wore to enjoy a day with the family, including cooling off in the kiddie pool. It's a Panache "Mae" tankini top in 38E (US equivalent of 38DDDD, methinks). It's very supportive of the gals, but I think I could have gone to 38F.  If you have big tatas and want to support some of the loose side/back skin, this is a very nice choice. I want to get another in bright colorful print. I liked the "room enough, held up enough" feel of the underwire bra built in. Very nice. Expensive. (Well, the price I pay to keep my "girls" happy and secure.)

The bottoms are Coolibar swim shorts. They were a bit loose in XL, so I could have gone to just L. For you laidies concerned about the crinkly inner thighs or looser skin in the butt post big loss of poundage, this is a nice, comfy option.

Wet, the top was still very secure and comfy, but the sorts actually were so loose in the leg I could fold then up easily for "short shorts" if I wanted. But it worked. modest and supportive and covering most of the "iffy" skin bits.

Here I am after getting WET with the kids and SIL:

Underwire tankini stayed nicely put and it's all good
even kicking balls, Marco-Pologing, bouncing, rough-housing, etc.

And that's all for now.

Happy Sunday, folks!

Day 19 of 84 in the StSC: Don't feel like blogging, feel like having fun! ...Challenge Update...Knee update...Sis update...a Quote...& Go Praise someone today!

No weigh-in...nothing really interesting to say. I'm so not into blogging this week.

But I'll give it a shot....

First, lemme update a few things for the week:

~Eating is great.
~Exercise is back on, baby! I still have to be careful --I totter a bit when I walk as left knee is still not 100% with a bit of swelling remaning and those fading green blotchy bruises--but I did a 30 minute walk (very moderately paced to not reinjure) as well as a full session of Pilates.  Lots of upper body work, as we still have to watch the knee, but some legwork. So nice to be able to move with no pain again, just some instability and that annoying snapping sound. Today, I want to see how I can do the push-up work. I've avoided anything that makes me either put weight on knees or lock knees....I want to get back to that goal's work.
~Water/fluids is on target.
~I've been less chatty on blogs, but I have hit some up this week to support. I also tried to be very supportive/encouraging here and the feedback tells me it did help. So, that goal met.
~Not quitting.
~Yesterday was the first day I forgot to pray for the Challengers. I really just spazzed on that one. Perhaps because my prayer time and mind were on some other things so acutely ....but back on it today.


Sis and I are patched up fine. Like I said, love overcomes all sorts of stuff, minor or major. This was in the minor category in the grand scheme of things, but hey, it's the people you love the most who can wound the most. But it's all god now and, as I firmly believe, it's better to get things out, talk, learn new stuff, and make things even better. Thanks for the well wishes on that.

This upcoming weekend in my fella's big one. He turns 51. So, I expect to be out and about spoiling him rotten. :D Don't expect to see much if any posting, other than the requisite challenge update.

I actually feel like Floridana these days. I want to be unshackled from the computer and out and about in the summer fun. Like her, my feet don't swell now. I'm less heat intolerant (though I still have issues due to some meds I take). I have more energy. I feel prettier in skimpy summer outfits. I can wear shorts without feeling like a freak. I love dining outdoors now that I eat modestly and don't stuff myself so badly I only want to go home and veg on the couch afterwards (my usual post-dinner out mentality in ye olde days, um, like a year plus ago). Now, we eat out and then walk around, shop, hit some fun spots. Much better this way.  (Although I do need to always find nice restrooms as all the water/fluids mean I do need to go with more frequency than my no--adequate-watering days.)

I hope you unshackle from the puter and go have summer fun, too. :)

Anyway, was listening to Focus on the Family earlier, and a British man named Rob Parsons was giving advice for improving family life, and it was pretty darn good advice, too,  said something he said about dealing with his children made me stop and jot it down:

When the ear never hears praise, the heart loses the will to try. 

 I believe this. Well, I know that when I'm praised--be it by an online challenge leader like Allan, by my husband, by a sibling, by a boss, by a teacher--it makes me want to try harder and do better. It gives me wings. So, I hope that as you work on your fitness and weight loss progress, that you get praise. That people notice you're trying hard and spur you on. And I thank everyone who has come here and given me praise and encouragement. It keeps me going.

Praise someone's hard work at fightfating and goal-achieving today. They may really, really need it.

And if you wanna see an example of one challenger dedicating a whole post to praising a person who helped her (and this same person helped me, too), visit Julie.

Today's fightfating plan is to work on the push-ups, walk, eat at or under 1400 cals, drink my fluids, pray for the challengers, keep focused on goals, and ENJOY THE SUMMER sans aching feet and swollen ankles. ENJOY LIFE without overstuffing! ENJOY my family, without enabling bad eating!

ENJOY, period, the things I've gained after losing all this fat. Just ENJOY!

Happy weekend, fatfighter and friends. Be well...

Day 17 of 84 in the StSC: Another "decade" says hi to me, and I try to answer the "How Do I Get Started Losing 100 Pounds" question, though it's one all of you should help answer, I think...

Tanita-san: 189.6

OMG. I'm fewer than 5 lbs away from NOT BEING OBESE. ::::mad laughter::::

New weight "decades" are always fun. Getting in is exciting. Working to get out and down to the next is motivating. I weigh nearly daily for this reason. I want to see how close I'm getting to the next milestone. (Well, and if I had too much salt or too many carbs the day before. It's a marker for me of those.)

I spent the good part of yesterday weepy and sad, so no blogging. I did visit some challenger blogs and pal blogs to say "hey" but really, my heart was aching. I don't like arguing with my sister. I took a "space day" and didn't call or contact her, cause I was afraid I'd just start bawling again and say something incredibly stupid in my pain.

And I'll add, I did not dive into food on Monday or Tuesday. The good fight I fought Father's Day night paid off. The reins didn't get dropped, they just slacked on Sunday. They were still right in my hands all along.

Today, I got a really moving card from her. And I started bawling. hahaha. I am such a sentimental dork. But it's gonna be okay. As long as there is love, you make it out okay.

This likely applies to this whole weight loss gig, too. When I started letting myself believe that I was not hopeless, when I started to love myself enough to want better health and energy and appearance for myself, it was easier to move into more progress. I had hated myself, LOATHED myself, for so much of my earliest life and even into my later years, when incapacitating illness just wrecked my optimism and what self-esteem I'd scraped together. When you loathe yourself, you don't care what goes in your mouth or how it deforms your body or what it does to your lifespan. Dying early can be appealing when self-loathing and depression are your constant companions.

A good man's love rescued me. Family love kept me going. Love of friends, love of God. I mean, I really believe that at the core, if we don't have love, why bother being alive?

So, loving myself a bit more means doing good things for myself, and this blog is part of that.

ANYWAY, I got an email from a lurker asking this:

I'm not sure you'll have time to answer this, but do you have a "getting started" link somewhere on your current blog? I have 100 lbs to lose, and it's difficult to know where to begin.  I would love to know what you read/did first in your journey that got your head in the game, so to speak.

I don't really have a comprehensive "getting started" post, though I know that here on this blog, since last September, I've posted about things that gave me epiphanies and how everyone's journey to those epiphanies are different.

I struggled since I first made my decision as a morbidly obese woman to give weight loss a real, public, accountable effort. STRUGGLED. Setbacks. Stalls.

But I started my old blog in May of 2007, and it was just years of bumbling and learning and reading other fatfighting blogs and trying things (vegetarian, raw vegan, delivery meals, dietitians, spiritual work). Sometimes, some of us, have to put in a lot of groundwork and failed attempts before whatever is supposed to click, clicks.

BUT...aside from the reading/learning/getting professional help--and yes, in 2008, even when my food was still not in proper low-cal control to lose weight, when I was just MAINTAINING a modest loss of 20+ pounds, I began to exercise regularly at 278 lbs, Pilates, with a trainer, lots of moolah, ouchie--the key was I never fully gave up. Shoot, I even researched bariatric surgery. Part of me was determined not to be an OLD OLD FAT LADY. I'm already old enough. I didn't wanna be a morbidly obese senior rotting in some home with diabetes.

But if there's one link on this blog I can offer, it's THIS ONE. 
It's probably companioned with THIS ONE. My first two rules of weight loss. ; )

Because I'm an INTJ personality type, it was reading science studies, web sites, and books on overweight issues, in conjunction with following blogs with clear and concrete info on how people addressed their emotional eating/binge eating and what meals they ate and how they structured their days/meals--that penetrated my brain almost every day, fed my intellect, and when my brain is fed, then the other parts of me respond.  I needed knowledge and proof it was doable. Blogs of successful losers of 100+ pounds= proof.

And then the summer of real DECISION (see that first link above on my rule of weight loss) was last summer. That's when it clicked and I began to make REAL progress. It was a cluster of things--a blog weight loss challenge, certain books, certain blogs--that flipped my switch.

I read books last year that each helped me along the way:  THE END OF OVEREATING;  REFUSE TO REGAIN; BEATING OVEREATING; WHY WE GET FAT; SWITCH...

I read books this year --and AM reading books--that helped and still help me refine my individual program for fat loss and fitness: THE NEW EVOLUTION DIET; THE PALEO SOLUTION; THE PERFECT HEALTH DIET

I also read spiritual books to address my issues. Gluttony and sloth are spiritual issues. Craving. Self-esteem. Depression. Lack of self-control. These all can have spiritual dimensions, be outgrowths of spiritual wounds. I addressed that, too. Bible being number one. :) The Desert Fathers and Mothers, those grand ascetics, being a reminder of how self-indulgent our society is.

This is why I encourage people to read, talk, follow successful bloggers, do introspection, see professionals--even if it strains your budget, cause if you get some dire disease from being obese, what good is your retirement account gonna do you--and experiment.  Other people have done it. So, BELIEVE you can do it.

Faith is a component that is essential. BELIEVE YOU CAN. Fake the belief that you can with affirmations until you do believe it.

I saw dietitians, got a trainer, read books up the wazoo, asked for family support, got anointed and prayed for,  tried low carb, got a DNA test for ideal diet for my genes, tried high carb/low fat, tried delivery low-salt low cal, tried vegetarian, tried vegetarian delivered meals, tried meditation, used prayer, tried visualization and affirmations. I did not give up. I may have spun my wheels on my blog for 3 years before something clicked, but I was always fertilizing the ground for something to grow. I never gave up.

Then I made a decision. And I still tweak, read, and learn. But I don't look back.

Last summer, something clicked...and the click got stronger with the DDDY Challenges and my own reading into Evolutonary/Paleo/Primal/Primarian eating styles and experimenting with no grains/low-moderate carbs and finding it left me with lower appetite and higher energy.

Last September, I started this new blog to be clearer with goals and openly, photographically, numerically ACCOUNTABLE. No hiding.

I suggest you start a blog. Post a before pic: block out your face if you  need privacy. Use a nickname to hide your real identity if you need to. But BE VISIBLE. You will be happy to see the before/after to compare. Give your actual starting weight. Make a weekly loss goal and a monthly loss goal and a seasonal loss goal and an annual loss goal. Account to your readership and yourself. Share insights. Share difficulties.  I am a big believer that once you put it out there and people can call you on it, you make yourself more motivated from that. It's embarrassing to post a gain, sure. But it's exhilirating to post a loss and have others celebrate with you. It's embarrassing to fail. But that embarrassment can be a spur to stay on your plan and SUCCEED. This is what I'm hoping this blog is for me. A tool to help me succeed. It's working. It's my journal. I can vent. I can learn. I can dialogue.

Maybe it will help you get started if you open a blog TODAY with those goals and hopes and before pic and starting weight. :)

And if my photos, numbers, blogs, successes and setbacks help YOU, then yours will help someone else. You might change someone's life. :D

I never understand the folks who won't post a number. It's a number. Hiding it gives it more power, not less. Hiding means shame. Forget shame. It's a number, like shoe size. Defang it by publicizing it and make yourself accountable with goals that people can say, "Oh, you did it!" and celebrate, or give advice and help when you have falls.

That's not for everyone. But I found public accountability hugely motivating and liberating.

So, what can get you started losing 100 pounds. Ask yourself those questions on my left sidebar from the Unleashing The Warrior Within.     Take a hard look at the necessary sacrifices that must be made to comfort and indulgence. If food is your comfort, stress relief, or master, then accept you're gonna suffer breaking the bond and roll up your sleeves and get into the battle. You will suffer. You will give things up--some for LIFE. You won't be able to sit back and down that pint of ice cream or dive into pizza for solace or pleasure. You will have to get up and move your body, whether you feel like it or not. Until you come to ENJOY it (and many of us have).

And you will have to accept that old habits never fully die, and if you indulge those old habits again, you lose some battles and maybe the whole war.

You make a decision. You sit down and plot out goals and what steps you take to get to them based on your ability/budget/preferences/medical conditions/support types. You have to have goals, and you have to keep an eye on them daily. You may go hungry some days. You may wanna give up others. But you remember the commitment. It's like a marriage: you're in it for life (one hopes). You attend to it every day. You recommit as needed. You forgive as needed. 

That's how you start. You realize it's gonna be AWFUL at first maybe, then less awful, then you feel your mastery grow and it feels good. And when the wind's at your back, it feels amazing.

Hope that helped, lurker.

And I hope the others who read this blog and are in challenges and have made progress in their journey to lose 100 pounds (more, less), will chime in on how to start. Help our lurker out, would ya? :)

Be well....I gotta go call my sis...

Day 15 of 84 in the StSC: I Beat Back the Emo-Eating Binge Monster--and how I did it yesterday-- Sample Chapter from EATING LESS (one of my recommended reads)...and yes, it's about taking control of an addiction...

Does Gillian Riley describe you in this clip?

This was me, and is me. The 'was' me : obsessed with food, with mealtimes, with quantities. Food addict. The 'is' me: someone who can still be called to (though more rarely) by food for comfort, pleasure, escape, but who now has tools to short-circuit the bad times.

One of the bad times was last night. There was an emotional outworking at our Father's Day gathering. Three of us ended up in tears, for different reasons. I won't go into the details--we're family, we love each other, sometimes things need to be vented, and somehow they tend to get vented when stress or anxiety or bad moods hit--but I was feeling fragile from a self-sacrifice hubby had done for me, a very generous, beautiful, loving bit of self-sacrifice that put my well-being and desires above his own. It's what spouses do for one another, but it made me feel...like I was holding him back. I was also worried about eldest sis (who was looking drawn and unwell).

One of my nieces was having a fragile time herself, worried over her mom. My other sister was having a bad day, and I became a bit of a target. We all stepped on landmines and, well...venting and tears. We kissed, went home, and eventually sis and I will sort it out. Love does that. Niece and I are fine, though still worried about her mom. :(

So, I had eaten exactly what I had planned to. I had none of the "bad" foods at the party. I took what I could eat and drink, and tasted what was allowable of what sis prepared.

But the emotional stuff left me sad. (I mean, no one wants to see their loved ones cry.) Hubby was hungry, and as he's now one pound away from being officially UNDERWEIGHT, we decided to stop for take-out. At nearly 10pm on a Sunday, options were limited. Part of me was doing the little undermining/justifying thing that the OLD ME used to do regularly.

I want to eat X and Y and I'll find a way to justify eating X and Y, cause I WANT IT.

We fat folks do that all the time. We make excuses to have stuff we ought not have, whether it be special occasions/holidays or depression or needing comfort. We decide we can overeat cause of this and this and this. If we're obese, we sort of lost the right to overeat, I figure, but we find a way to justify the crap. We do.

Food is toxic comfort. But we fall for its lure. That's why we're fat. Obese. Superobese.

So, there we were at a place we hadn't gone to in....well, I forget it's been so long. A Chinese place in our neighborhood that was near closing time. The whole time we had driven there, part of me was deciding on what would be "safe". The other part of me was making excuses for the not safe. It was like angel/devil shoulder banter. I swear! Ridiculous. In the end, I justified ordering BBQ ribs cause "hubby can take them for lunch." Right? Sound familiar? We do that, right? Say it's for "the kids" or "the hubby", when it's really US who want to dive in and pig out.

The part of me that is sound was looking for a lifesaver, the strategy. I was going mentally through the caloric calculations of this and that and finding a way to stay in StSC boundaries. It was telling me I'd done well, and not to screw it up.  It was telling me about the need to not give in or lose ground.

The part of me that is unsound was looking for what would give me maximum food fat reward without looking too self-indulgent. It was going by emotions...it was promising to comfort me.

In the end, I fought mentally every second from the restaurant to the house and through about a half hour at home. It was the fricken Colisseum in my head, gladiators in battle.

Drinking water. Making coffee. Biting a bit and stopping. Eating the veggies first. Throwing some of the chicken on hubby's plate. Saying no rice, Then a few forkfuls of rice. Then the ribs. Yep. There they were. I had two. I battled with every bite, trying to delay, knowing that with delay, the water/coffee/veggies could kick in and fill me up. I went 400 calories over before I said to hubby, "I'm eating too much. I'm feeling like I'm gonna cave. I feel like the hunger is just not gonna go away, and I know it's just feelings, not real body nourishment need. I have to stop."

Saying it out loud, as embarrassing as it is to say such stuff, did it. I stopped. I admitted I was out of control and was about to seriously do some damage if I didn't just cop to it, stop making excuses, stop hiding it (I ate the ribs in the kitchen, not with hubby seeing it), and just admit I was in a crisis.

And that stopped it. Confession is not only good just for the soul. It's good to break the beginnings of a binge. I ended up at a bit over 1800 calories. No binge. Just more than my alloted calories. No painful belly from overstuffing. I was actually still roomy in there.

Hubby actually did end up taking the uneaten ribs for his afternoon snack. :) 

I wonder my confession is akin to the "call a sponsor" thing at AA. Call when temptation hits and let yourself be talked out of the booze craving.

I talked myself out of it by just letting hubby know: "I'm eating too much. I want to eat more. I have to stop."

I went, drank more water, took my supplements, took some potassium to counteract the salty Chinese chow mein veggies I ate. I threw out the rest of my food so as not to be even minutely tempted. I sat down and just allowed myself to feel bad about having a tiff with my sis. Food can give pleasure that distracts. I just let myself feel bad. It's human. Be sad. Be it.

I was fine after that. I woke up still a bit sad, but once things calm, we'll do as we siblings always do when we vent frustrations and get upset: We forgive, hug, and move on.

Same with food. I overate. I beat it back, stopped the binge momentum, and kept myself from binging. I overate, but I still won. I hug my heart, forgive myself, and move on.

Don't stuff feelngs with food. You'll want to. But it's not the solution. Just feel the feelings and find the actions that make it really better, not just "food reward brain pleasure" reaction.

Most of the time this year, I beat the overeating desires before food hit my mouth. Last night, food started to get the better of me. But I came out stronger.

And Tanita-san agreed: 190.8

That's .4 lbs down, after not just overeating, after Chinese food overeating. This is a numerical reason why stopping the binge while it's just "a bit extra" is worth it. :)

I leave you with this excerpt from Gillian Riley's book EATING LESS: Say Goodbye to Overeating. It's a good resource for "food addicts", even recovering ones. :)

For me, the goal is not just a number on the scale. It's getting over an addiction. It's being the one in control. Or regaining control ASAP after it loosens. It's making my life and my character better by not being a slave to this or that. Food being this. All sorts of other thats.

I want to get healthier, which is even more important than one particular scale number. And getting healthier means taking control. Of what I eat. Of how I move. Of what I think. Of how I act.

Being out of control feels crappy. I saw proof of that last night. With tears. With Chinese food.

Being in control feels so much better...

Day 11 of 84 in the StSC: Trying not to get bummed, and what inspires me to keep going...

Scale is almost at a standstill, as I myself have been pretty much at a standstill...or is that a sit-still or lie-still? The knee is better, but still feels unstable...like sometimes I'm walking and it feels...loose, like it'll give a bit. Still aches a bit. But much improved.

Lying around/sitting around has not improved either my appetite or the scale progress. So frustrating: 193.2  Only a half pound in all these days.My appetite increase is likely due to a sort of mental association reversion thing: "Oh, are we back to the sitting/lying around like an anemic slug days again? Whoopee. Let's have some fried cheese! Or a bacon-cheeseburger deluxe, followed by chocolate cake!"

Yeah, something about just being inactive has put me in some weird "I wanna eat to comfort myself" zone. And it affects my mood.

Sucks. But I'm fighting it. I've had closer to 1400 calories (1385 yesterday) and still had to fight off the eat more urges. I suppose this is something to get used to and learn to handle, since it will happen from time to time. I will have injuries/disease. I will have inactive days/weeks, perhaps (Lord, forbid) months. At 51, the fall made me reassess my fragility (I do worry about these wonky knees of mine and the arthritis). I think it's the whole, "I"m old, getting older, am scared" thing that affected my mood. Well, and not having my walking endorphins. :-/

But I ain't giving up. I will fight past the inactivity setback and mood dip and will emerge with my fighting spirit on fire.

 Not giving up. Part of this challenge is to keep going, and that's for life. Keep going for health for life....

Thank God for support. Hubby has been affectionate and attentive and it keeps me from getting too bummed out. I was cheered last night viewing some of his pro pics. (I got him a deal for professional photos, since he does classes/conferences and has his second edition of his book coming out, for resumes, etc, I wanted GOOD pics in assorted poses, for various users. For his gamer mode, author mode, engineer mode, Frisbee-er mode, business mode, manly mode, and just some fun ones for me to drool over.)

Here's one where I like his expression a lot, cause his intelligence and sweetness both shine in it:

mmmmmmmmmmmm,.so hot....

And this is his new suit (bought last week, cause he's dropped oodles of pounds and old suits don't fit). I insisted on sexy, basic, quality BLACK. Nothing professionally sexier on a man than a BLACK basic suit (lower rez, cause I couldn't get them to FLIP on blogger. Anyone know how to flip photos on blogger?):

 And here is a smiley gamer hubby:

Anyway, fluids good, prayer good. Exercise and encouragement, not so much. Sorry.

Today, I'm going to Pilates and I suppose we'll work around the knee. Maybe upper body stuff.

Later, peops! Fight the good fatfight!

UPDATE: Got back from Pilates. Am eating my satay chicken, salad, fruit and French press Sumatra java. Yum. Knee is aching and throbbing. We had to stick to upper body and reposition me so the knee wasn't strained. It was tough. I had some dizzy spells. Trainer says stay off, no walking, and if in a week it's still unstable and hurting, must see ortho. Um, yeah, figured that one out.

On to the goals, no matter what....!

Day 6 of StSC: Recap of Day 5...Praise & Photos of My Beloved Who Is Mine...before I head out to ENJOY OUR BIG DAY!

Me and My Prince Last Summer (I was WAY bigger)

On June 11th, 28 years ago, in my sister's backyard, with a yellow and white striped tent giving shade to the small assembly of pals and relatives, I married my soulmate. He's been an utter delight ever since. I remember hearing how hard the first year of marriage was, the adjustment to another person.

Well, I didn't have that. We clicked. We got along. We rarely--and still rarely--argue. We laugh like mad, every day. We still find each other crazy hot and I still run to the door to greet him with a hug and kiss when he comes home.

Sometimes, I just lay my head on his chest for a couple minutes to savor his safe return.

German-Hungarian-Irish...
with those Asian eyes!

I'm blessed with the perfect man for me. Maybe not for anyone else on this nutty planet, but for me, he's a haven, a sanctuary, a playground, all in one lovely male package. Life with him is peaceful, fun, full of giggles, full of comfort, and full of great discussions about topics big and small.

I also really, really, really, really like canoodling with his hot self. :D

And he smells good. It makes my head spin. Top-notch pheromones.

And he has "Asian eyes"...Magyar eyes, I suppose. The Hungarian in him shows. See the pic above right. Cover his lower face. Ignore the rosy European coloring. Asian eyes..and I ADORE ASIAN EYES. (Japanophilia is rampant within my bosom.)

He married me when I was near-normal weight: 150 lbs.  I grew ill, became a recluse from illness for a long spell, suffered awful dark nights of the spirit, & ballooned to 299 lbs. The whole while, he was the brilliant light that kept me from just diving into a death spiral of depression. He never called me fat or showed disapproval at my naked body. He was always approving of my dreams, supportive of my efforts, and, frankly, besottedly adoring of me.

Who explains such mysteries? True love is a weird, puzzling, powerful, sustaining, wonderful thing. It keeps you from losing hope when things are pretty damn bleak in your blue mind and in your diseased flesh.

At the Hatsume Festival Back in March...still besotted

The Face That Makes My Heart Sing!

So, thank you, Merciful God--and thank you, my beautiful beloved--for so many good times, good memories, lovely laughs, comforting embraces, and for the daily astonishment that you are so right for me.

Back in February...a night full of laughs and hugs...

The legs that drive me wild..back in the 70s (He was a major good Ultimate Frisbee-er)
First time I saw him in shorts, I just about passed out...whoo...

Loving me young and slim with the smile that still makes ME smile...(Yep, that's us in 1982
with my nieces and nephews...so young and fresh and madly in love and ENGAGED,
and yes, I weigh like 145 pounds there and had natural curls)

Loving me fat and sick and older, with that smile still making me smile...

Still making me all dizzy with desire when you drum
all intense and sexy-like...(at a public performance of Brazilian music)

You are still the one!

The day we became one! Handsomest groom EVER!
And he still looks at me with that tender sweetness!

Anyway, that was just me exploding all over y'all with my mad love. Thanks for your patience.

Recap of Day 5 of StSC:

Calories: 1143
Fluids: All in.
Exercise: 30 minute walk; shoulders/triceps/upper back still sore, so no push-ups work.
Prayer: Yes!
Sleep: Um, don't ask. Yawn.
Encouragement: I did, again, only some blogs. You guys are numerous!

Hope everyone is working toward their StSC goals.

God bless your weekend with health and lots and lots of love!

Freaky Day of Cancelled and New Appts, My Curls Blown Out for First Time in 1.5 Years, And Lots of Fanfare About Loss , which was Nice!

Yesterday, Tanita-san said 198.0

I don't weigh on Mon/Thur cause I don't sleep enough those days and am usually hurrying to drink my coffee and water , get dressed, and head to Pilates.

Today, there was a wrench in my plans. I heard this weird beep around 11:10 am (a few minutes before alarm would have gone off), and it turns out it was my clock letting me know power to it was gone. Yep. No electricity. I heard thunking noises out back. The electric company was doing work.

I called my trainer and said I was dressed and ready to head out when the FPL dudes left (the trucks were blocking the garage outlet in the narrow alley AND I had no power to lift the garage door, as it's electric and I have no idea how to get it up manually). Well, come appt time, the FPL dudes were still there and I'm in Miami and it's warm and I have no A/C! I'm in the house in bra and shorts and sneakers. The juice came on around 1:33, and the FPL guys says it will be on for a short spell, then out again for a few hours.

I said, "Can you unblock me so I can get the car out of the garage and be mobile?" He was handsome and nice and did just that. I made a hair appt, got it trimmed and, for a novelty, blown out. Haven't had my hair blown out in 18 months, as I went naturally curly in Nov of 2009.

Hairdresser said my hair was in amazing good health. I said, "I use lots of good moisturizers and oils and I don't blow out or use flatirons. My hair has grown out without being abused. I also don't use regular shampoos. I use either a conditioner to cleanse, or a lowpoo cleanser (mild, no sulfates), and only occasionally use a stronger clarifying poo (a couple times a year), to make sure there's no build-up. I add conditioner to my hair every day after I get up and leave it in there. :)

Hypothyroid gals know what I mean when I say my hair thinned and turned to straw from the disease, and so it needs gentle care and loads of moisture. I have a lot less hair than I used to. Dang you, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis!

Here's pics of the blown-out Princess, who will soon be reverting to her natural curls. She didn't use any gels, creams, leave-ins or serums. My hair, essentially product free:

I'll do a protein treatment and deep condish to nurture it after the blow-drying trauma and back to my regularly scheduled curls, as in these pics from earlier this year:

Since I had no electricity and couldn't fix my eggs, I headed to the bagel place after my hair appt. I had eggs scrambled with spinach and mushrooms, some bacon, coffee, lots of water, and asked her to bag up the bagel (comes with eggs) and potatoes for hubby. He may not want either, but hey, I paid for 'em, so they're coming home for him or the trash.

I got so much hoopla at both the salon and the bagel place. I hadn't been to either in 3 months, so I've had more losses. :) Like 27 pounds more. I kept getting fussed over, complimented. I was a bit embarrassed, but it still was a glowing feeling mixed in with the embarrassment. :) The waitresses started talking to me about their losses and food issues (one lost 80+ and the other 50+ and she's an OA member).

I kept hearing, "transformation" and "makeover" and "look younger" and "look great" at both the salon and the restaurant. It's encouraging. I have a ways to go, so being cheered on is a good thing.

And to all who cheered me on here, complimented me, and made me feel like a REAL Princess, thank you. Thanks so much!

Well, since I didn't get my usual 1 hour Pilates, I'm gonna have to figure out another way to ramp up some activity here at home. I feel out of sorts when I don't get my good trainer-facilitated workout. My joints and body always feels so energized and GOOD after Pilates... Oh, and I lost my trainer fee. The policy is 24 hours for cancellation. Gee, thanks, FPL, for not giving ME warning!


I'll leave ya with two pics, one of me and one of my hubby, before our walk last evening. My hair is gunky and damp (it was dirty, and I like to wet my hair before walking to help keep me cool). Notice the TUCKED IN top. ; )  I am still fat, but hey, I have a waist:

Gunky Hair and 198.0 lbs May 18, 2011

Sweet Honeypie o' mine at 170 lbs who needs posture work. Computer hunch, begone!