Monday, January 21, 2013

A Warring Week, Good Meals, Bad Meals, AKA A Divided Will AKA Old Me vs New Me AKA ARGH!

A week that was all over the place. Some excellent choices, then some bad choices, then some great meals, then some bad meals. Reading to get my good-choice frame of mind in consistent gear. Some praying.

But, really, the decisions were mine, and I chose poorly too often to say this was a winning week.

It's interesting how one can be going along, feeling fine, feeling in control, cooking stuff up properly, watching portions, then, bam, that goes to hell with one self-indulgent choice. The streak ends.

I'm fascinated how I undermine that. I know that I've felt worried and fragile a lot. Worrying about bills and the future and such. Dishing out nearly 7K for property insurance and seeing the checkbook dive, well, that sort of made me wanna dive into the nearest bakery or pizza shop. I went to neither, but I WANTED to.

The OLD ME that binged and relied on food for comfort and joy and hardly took 1000 steps a day, she is still alive and warring with NEW ME, that made sound food choices and got her butt into exercising.

It was years and years of study and work to build up a NEW ME. It felt so good. I was hoping the OLD ME might just go off and die on an ice float or something. I intend for new me to win. But old me is very, very strong. VERY. The anxieties and desire for the brain-hit of comfort.

Anyway, this past week saw me RE-ENTER OBESE ZONE. Yes, I crossed that DREAD BOUNDARY of 185. One weigh in was 185.8. Thursday's. By Sunday, the official weigh-in (listed on my sidebar), it wa back to 183.2. That high weight was partially stoked by tamago and asparagus sushi dipped in super-salty tamari. And the miso dressing. But seeing that number scared me.

And the 170s, which I inhabited for a nice spell and even saw the bottom of, well, that seems so far away AGAIN.

I am also royally ticked off at the doc for reducing my Levoxyl. Ever since she did that, weight has crept up, appetite got up, sleep increased, and I have two vexing new bald spots. It just adds insult to injury. I was already struggling with keeping weight down before she did that. This anger, I do not need.

I find that I'm really sodium-sensitive this month, moreso than usual, the fluctuations, and that might be the thyroid status. No idea. But it's kinda weird. I'm normally not a hoarder. When I had a period, I'd easily go up 4 pounds during the days prior to blast-off, but that was a normal monthly thing, and it would be gone after, so you got used to it.

Anyway, the fight is on here. New Me vs Old Me, and it's fierce. This is the crux. THIS IS WHERE RE GAIN hits the road and become monstruous if not caught and managed. I feel it. I feel that this is where the war is lost or won, this sort of situation where the Old Overeater wants back in, tired of exile. Where the New Me is tired of vigilance and is overcome some days with neurotic thoughts and anxiety attacks. Where food looks like a good old friend who just wants to make me FEEL good again.

Which is, pardon my bluntness. bullshit.

Food Desire is only my friend if it follows the rules of friendly behavior.  If it supports me and doesn't become toxic. If it's a positive force, not a destructive one. The Food Desire that wants "in" now wants in to wreak havoc, not do me good. It's not a friend. I gotta kill it.

That's the deal. Old Me let Food Lust be an enabler and a destroyer. A crutch and a deceiver.

New Me wants food as a partner, to grow and be stronger, not weaker.

I've not surrendered. I'm reading lots of articles on regain. I've highlighted and bookmarked pages in Riley's updated version of BEATING OVEREATING to re-tap into my inner choosing mojo. I've reminded hubby not to be the sweet "whatever you want" guy of the past if I ask for him to get me something destructive. I haven't yet sent him on massive food runs full of crap. The Old Me used to do that--pizza and chocolate cake and enough tacos to choke two horses. So, just in case she shows up, I want him to give me the breathing room of a hesitation and question: "Is that what you really want? Isn't that bad for you?" That's all I need, sometimes. Just to have that moment of stopping, re-deciding.

It's part of taking control, asking, "Is this what you really want? Is this what you choose to have? What are the consequences?"

I have a divided will. Sometimes I answer the question as the New Me: "No, this will subvert my plans for good health. I won't fit into my clothes. I'll feel like a social pariah again."

Sometimes, I answer like the old me. "I don't care. It's what I want now. Consequences be damned, I just want that pleasure NOW."

The devil that is the Old Me is out to get me and make me one of the loser statistics.

I've lost too much. For too long. And it has wrecked parts of my potential and years of my life.

Screw you, devil.

Oh, and yes, I prayed, too.

To those who don't have food issues, well, they won't understand how powerful the lure is. Maybe junkies and sex addicts will get it. But folks who go about and don't self-medicate with food or have old bad habits that grab them back into the pit, they don't get it.

You get it, right?

It's hard.

But we do not give up.

No quitting.

Okay, a new day to get it right. I know all I need is a few weeks of really good days and the new habits reinforce and New Me wins again. For a spell.

I guess this fight goes on for life, as I suspected all along. And it's only easy in periods/stages/phases. Then you put on the armor and go on campaign...again. And again. And as many times as it takes.

Til Kingdom come.

I'll post some of the stuff I gather, cause it helps me. Keeps my head in it. Maybe it will help you. Whether it's for scaring or for encouraging or for illuminating. It helps.

Be well..

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

I Chose Against Sense on Tuesday; Here's Another Day for Better Choices

OK, I did not warrior-it-out yesterday. I had a SECOND tossed salad with dressing and a second helping of chicken breast at dinner. I chose to self-indulge. No excuses. The brat, clearly, is still making the decisions. But, hey, no truffles!

Today, I had my first Pilates "class", after having done privates from June 2008 to June 2012, before we had our income go down about 12%. Pretty significant difference. It went fine, as some folks cancelled, so it was just two of us doing the Reformer set. I worked hard, and I worked out still sore from Monday.

Yesterday, I walked 30 minutes, struggling with a bit of knee instability and "foot drop" in my left leg. When the damaged knee acts up, the foot acts up. Just how it is. I did do the "open to a random page" thing before going walking to get a verse to meditate upon, and it was beyond suitable, when taken in a different context than intended by St. Paul in 14th chapter of the epistle to the Romans, when taken for my particular situation: Do not, for the sake of food, destroy the work of God.

In a very real sense, those of us who overeat are destroying one of God's works--ourselves. Food is not more important than we are.

Anyway, Plan for the rest of the day, movement: I'll test to see if I can do the walk today. It's in the plan unless I decide to just rest it. The day is warm and lovely, so might as well take advantage, if possible.

Plan for the rest of the day, food: Stay at or under 1700 calories. When I have some good 1700 calorie days under my belt, then go down to 1600, and then to 1500, where I'll settle for a spell. I'll evaluate 1400 later. Right now, just staying under 2000 again would be mighty nice.

Since I Kindled the updated version of BEATING OVEREATING, now called DITCHING DIETS, by Gillian Riley (which I mentioned in the previous post, where you will find an Amazon link), I'm committing to reading some chapters out of it before I do some house chores and get to my writing time. I need to get to the point of BEST choices, and, clearly, I ain't there.

Looking forward with hope and faith.

Be well...

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

First Day (as Julie said), Clean Slate. Sore and Psyched! It's my choice. I choose to do it! WE CAN DO THIS!

Okay, so as the previous post explained, I'd been something of a mess with my eating off-plan.

Sunday: 184.8
Monday: 184.0
Today: 183.4

My saving grace yesterday after the truffle disaster was that I did 1 1/2 hours of exercise--strengthening, stretching, and walking.

Today, I'm nicely sore--especially inner thighs, back, upper abs, side.  This makes me happy. :D

Good timing for Gillian Riley's newsletter. It was in my inbox when I checked my mail. She has a new book, DITCHING DIETS, but it might simply be a recap of stuff she has in her other books, such as EATING LESS. If anyone knows whether this has new information and is worth Kindle-ing, let me know. (NOTE: I am adding this as I noticed it's a new version of BEATING OVEREATING, the book by Gillian with the orange cover. You may already have it. It may have new info, not sure, but the first 6 chapters have the same titles, so the basic info is surely identical to the "orange" book.)

For those who haven't visited her site or who want to get her newsletter, go here.

And for those who don't know what a meal plan that's calorie controlled might look like, here's an example of a 7-day plan, gluten free, at 1400 calories.

I want to make something clear. My 183 lbs now is not my 183 lbs a year ago, when I was working out. This is 183 lbs after 6 months of inactivity. Fat has replaced some muscle. My body LOOKS different naked. I'm lumpier in the waist and hips and my legs aren't as well-shaped with walking and Pilates muscle as they were a year ago at the same weight. I can feel and see the difference in my mirror. And yes, I do a "Nekkid Check" every day.

Here are pics in form-fitting wear I took an hour ago. The increased torso/belly girth and hip lump are evident:

These are my accountability photos. Sometimes, you just gotta LOOK and SEE. Like it or not.

I am well-stocked with goodies. Collards. Romaine. Strawberries. Blueberries. Kiwi. Yams. Lemons and Limes. Papayas. Broccoli. Nectarines. Cucumbers. Watermelon. Honeydew. Peppers. Apples. Decaf Green tea. Coffee. New refill filters for the water pitcher that I got back when I needed to drink gallons for Allan's challenges. I've slacked on water intake, ya know?

I have chicken breast defrosted for supper.

I do need to visit the store for some of my pastured eggs, organic egg whites, turkey, mushrooms, shredded low fat cheese for my breakfast eggs and salads, Greek yogurt, baby spinach, potatoes, tomatoes, celery, and carrots. Maybe some rainbow chard and baby bok choy, both of which I really like lightly sauteed.

With that, I'll be well-stocked against temptations. It's best to have the house overflowing with GOOD options, to cut back on the lure of bad ones.

My hope is that  Sunday's weigh-in will make me smile. Anything lower on the scale and higher in motivation is welcome, right?

Right. I can do this. I really can.



OK, let's kill it today. We believe. We move. We choose properly. WE CHOOSE. Remember that

Every bite and every sip and every step--we choose it. We decide it's what we'll do or not do, eat or not eat. WE CHOOSE.

Be well...

Monday, January 14, 2013

I'm a mess, but this baby is gonna get cleaned up cause I ain't putting up with ME being a childish eater aka Working on the Return of the Warrior Princess

Okay, so man, today the scale said 184.0.

Yesterday, it said 184.8

That's right at the border of my acceptable high weight of 185. This is when emergency measures need to be put into place.

Ever since I got lax late last year when I got sick, my brain is in "I don't wanna be mature" mode when it comes to eating. I'll have semi-decent (not at all perfect) days with crappy days. The only good thing I can say is that I have not binged.

But with my brain in baby-mode, immature-eater mode, a binge is sure to come knocking, if I do not implement the measures I once did to get out of obesity and stop binge eating.

Tonight, I gotta go dig up my dietitian notes from Jan 2011. I've got them somewhere, and it's a matter of sitting down with my old blog posts, my R.D. notes, some good motivational reading, and getting hubby fully on board.

The child in me needs to shut the hell up.

My brain needs to grow up.

I really hate being out of control. It's not pizza and cheeseburgers out of control, but it is self-indulgent. IT's noshing here and there. It's not sticking to what I know is a good eating plan for me.

This is why I mention that letting go of control for whatever reason--sickness, holidays, vacations--is a bad, bad idea. REgetting control is one mother of a task.

I'm in the thick of warfare with my old bad habits.

I"m gonna win this. Why? Because I have to. Because obesity beckons again. Because grown-ups don't just eat what they wanna when they wanna. Because being mature and in control means you stick to a fricken plan 95+% of the time at least, with only the occasional bobble.

I'm being a brat again. This me, this is not noble or laudable.

I could make excuses. My thyroid is a bit off (with my hair falling out again and I'm sleeping 10 and 11 hours). But I won't. Because EVEN with my thyroid out of whack at various times since 2010, I worked to keep my food intake happy and mature and nutritious and controlled.

This time, the problem is ME.

The solution is....ME.

I'm crafting guidelines for a challenge. I figure if I need to, I activate that as a plan for self-motivation. Worked for me in the past.  I would do it pretty much like I did the others--Slimmer this Summer, Christmas Dress Countdown, Eve 2 Easter. Same sort of requirements and accountability and buddy system and positive support. If you are struggling, too, and if you've completed my challenges  in the past and want "in" again, keep an eye out for an announcement sometimes later this month.

Knocking Out the Food Idiot!!!
For the next four days, my focus will be on empowering that warrior part of me. I gotta knock the stooopid outta me.

Today, I did my strengthening exercise. But today I also swerved the car to my fave chocolatier and indulged in truffles and conversation with the owner.

Yes, I'm a fricken idiot. Feel free to tell me to stop it the hell now. Thanks.

Okay, I'm gonna do some cardiac before I go pick up my organic co-op share, and the whole time, I'm gonna be thinking and speaking affirmations.

This sh*t stops today.

Tomorrow, I'm waking up like a lion. Roaring...

I control me. No one else. ME. The me in control so far is the food-stupid Princess. I'm gonna shoot her dead. Or at least slap her unconscious. She needs to get out of the way of Princess Dieter, the one who isn't food-driven and slothful. I want that royal gal back. I want the Princess Brat exiled or gone and forgotten. I'm too old for this self-indulgence and laziness. Really, way too old.

I felt better when my food act was together. I will be that me again. SOON.

Wish me well....

The battle goes on....

Let's win it.