I Chose Against Sense on Tuesday; Here's Another Day for Better Choices

OK, I did not warrior-it-out yesterday. I had a SECOND tossed salad with dressing and a second helping of chicken breast at dinner. I chose to self-indulge. No excuses. The brat, clearly, is still making the decisions. But, hey, no truffles!

Today, I had my first Pilates "class", after having done privates from June 2008 to June 2012, before we had our income go down about 12%. Pretty significant difference. It went fine, as some folks cancelled, so it was just two of us doing the Reformer set. I worked hard, and I worked out still sore from Monday.

Yesterday, I walked 30 minutes, struggling with a bit of knee instability and "foot drop" in my left leg. When the damaged knee acts up, the foot acts up. Just how it is. I did do the "open to a random page" thing before going walking to get a verse to meditate upon, and it was beyond suitable, when taken in a different context than intended by St. Paul in 14th chapter of the epistle to the Romans, when taken for my particular situation: Do not, for the sake of food, destroy the work of God.

In a very real sense, those of us who overeat are destroying one of God's works--ourselves. Food is not more important than we are.

Anyway, Plan for the rest of the day, movement: I'll test to see if I can do the walk today. It's in the plan unless I decide to just rest it. The day is warm and lovely, so might as well take advantage, if possible.

Plan for the rest of the day, food: Stay at or under 1700 calories. When I have some good 1700 calorie days under my belt, then go down to 1600, and then to 1500, where I'll settle for a spell. I'll evaluate 1400 later. Right now, just staying under 2000 again would be mighty nice.

Since I Kindled the updated version of BEATING OVEREATING, now called DITCHING DIETS, by Gillian Riley (which I mentioned in the previous post, where you will find an Amazon link), I'm committing to reading some chapters out of it before I do some house chores and get to my writing time. I need to get to the point of BEST choices, and, clearly, I ain't there.

Looking forward with hope and faith.

Be well...

I'm Too Old For Nasty...Really: A bit of a vent-rant..Let Love Rule, even amongst fatfighters...the fatfighting lessons in the holy days...and my Eve2Easter #13 Update

I had to remove a blog from my blogroll. I understand criticism. I understand tough love. I understand wanting to motivate. I understand wanting to offer reality slaps. I always appreciate the folks whose motive is my and our good. Our progress.

But mean and nasty and sneering superiority, that I don't need. Really, I don't. Isn't there enough of that ruining the world? That's not what this planet is in short supply of.

Sometimes, lines are crossed. I have a very long tether for this type of thing. I grew up in a tough and violent neighborhood, but was also brought up devoutly religious.So, I had to endure and do a lot of cheek-turning, and some days I had to use a knife to defend myself. It was a fine line to try to walk. Tough.

I am bi-cultural. So, I had to learn to walk that fine line. Being 'Not American" enough for some, "No Cuban" enough for others.

I try to give the benefit of the doubt. I've learned to love people who hurt me and I initially despised ...just natural, instinctual hate. I learned through prayer and empathy to really like and love some hard cases.

So, it's not like I just have no patience or endurance with that. I do try to see beyond the anger and toughness and gauge if what's at the root is a good thing. A caring thing.

I know I've typed stuff in comments that had no ill intent, then I looked back at the black and white words and thought: Hm, that came across wrong. That looks harsher than I intended. It just has the wrong tone in toneless e-words. So, I assume this happens to others--in blog posts, comments, email. We just use the wrong phraseology or type too fast and don't see how it can be misunderstood.

Hence, the long line, the full intent not to assume the worst. Words can sometimes be halting in the internet; misconstrued; phrased poorly; missing the elements of good will the writer intends; hobbled by lack of vocal tone or facial expression.

Tough love vs. abuse. Which is it?

I do try to give the benefit of the doubt and lean to believe in  the former, not the latter.

But sometimes, I come to decide, "Oh, this is just nasty, down to the ground and nothing in its soul is edifying." It's not pretty to come to this conclusion. It hurts. I want to believe in the "better angel".

This happened today. I read a blog post and thought, "Wow. That's just a vomitus of  mean-spiritedness and profanity with no redeeming explanation at its core or goodwill in its heart." (Or for lapbanders out there, a productive burp composed of reeking black bile.)

It wasn't aimed at me, I will clarify, but at another blogger in the fat-fighting realm; though, one day, it may easily be me being ridiculed. Who knows? People who look for targets surely find them. We are legion out here baring our imperfections in this quest for healing.

Really, there's enough pain and ugliness in the world. I'd rather not add more to it or allow any more than absolutely necessary into my life. Can't always avoid it.

So, sometimes, I gotta unlink from folks who continue to spew just unproductive, finger-pointing, ugly, ugly, ugly stuff. That kind of party is not where I wanna fest it up in these last years/decades of my life. My Lord would heartily disapprove of it, too. And really, with Holy Week coming up, I don't want to hang where Jesus would say, "This is not a place where love or honor dwells."

And then I add. "For now."

Why? Because I believe in the power of epiphanies. Of people realizing they're causing awfulness and deciding to stop, to modify, to gentle their attitudes.

I do believe in honesty and tough love, real tough love, not the fake one, not the ravening, salivating wolf in tough love clothing,  that just wants to eat you up and laugh about it for fun. Not the tough love that shows up without a shred of respect, love, compassion, mercy, or understanding for the weaker lambs in the big, big fold in blogdom. To those fake "tough lovers", all the weaker ones are...are prey. All the tough talk ends up being internet snark....it's just cruelty. Without redeeming value.

Is this something you want in your bloggy experience?

I don't.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 This is the next to last update. I've had a hard time for months for various reasons, some out of my control and some not. But we're still in here, fighting it. Learning. And, hopefully making progress. Next week, final pic and update. So...here's the penultimate one:

Tanita-san: 179.6.                 

Waist: 34.75  in

Last week:
182.2
35 in

Like the fourth straight day mildly down? Fifth? I forget.  Just so happy not to see the rising numbers like before. Yep.

Still sticking to one starch a day and 1500 calories (mostly).  Did two strengthening exercises and three cardio, so fell short by one cardio. Been using affirmations and lots of positive thinking to combat the stressful situation this week , and so stay out of FOOD. :D Fluids have been fine. Support of some challengers (way more than minimum).

Super-stressful situation continues, but I am not caving. Lots of praying. Taking extra C. And trying to get adequate sleep to keep the immune system hummng.

Yeah, baby. I'm chasing serenity. :D

Very little reading in my book, as I've been doing the online reading of studies

Love abounds in my household, and I like peace in my mind. I want both to abound here. If I fall short, forgive me. When I need a good kick in the pants, kick me with kindness. I always appreciate it. :D

Happy day before Palm Sunday.

If one thing is learned by this week to folks of my particular faith, is that after the worst, comes the best. You suffer, then you are reborn. You go through the bad, but a better day is coming. So, for others going through stress or trials, the better day is coming. Just keep the hope and do what is right and wise--in food, in movement, in mental attitude, in acts of kindness and support. Just keep doing what is needful and proper...and wait with good expectations. :D

Passover will soon be here for our Jewish friends, and that is also a time to remember how much good can come out of a bad place, how greatly miraculous things can happen after  a time of suffering. Out of slavery, enriched, full of song, and on the way to a better land.
 
Whatever the trial is this week, keep your eyes open for the way out, the miracle, the power, the mentor, the wise counsel.... the better land. The new life. You may have to walk like the dickens to get there...or "die" in some metaphorical fashion...but it's  there...look and see. Believe and have it.

Let's move forward. Let's be supportive on this long and difficult journey. Let's be well...

"The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term is the indispensable prerequisite for success." 

~~Maxwell Maltz

" For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

~~Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Perspective on the asthma/allergy (or why I need to NOT whine)...Better Breathing, Better Journaling, Crap Scale....but it will move. I keep the faith...Baggy "goal shorts" pic and naked mirror time motivation (no pic--ever!)..and how much hubby can eat (but I can't)...plus joy comes in the morning (afternoon, evening) with a Charlie Brown Praise Break...

Yesterday ended up better than it began. By my evening walk, I could up the pace. Breathing was nearly normal but nasal congestion, while improved, remained.

Make me wonder if the Pilates session did the respiratory good.

I will note that, so far, this summer has been MILES better than a couple decades worth of summers. I didn't need to cancel a whole month of exercise sessions. I didn't need nasal cauterization. I didn't rely on Nasonex (which I quit taking after the March onslaught, and usually start up again before August, to ready myself). I'm much less affected. I just got used to feeling GREAT on the non-crazy-allergy months, so I expect to feel and breathe great. The impediment this month, while frustrating, is nothing compared to summers past. Even the trainer commented on my improvement over the past 3 summers she's worked with me. Well, it's true. :)

I need to keep perspective. I am a whole, whole lot better. I am not dripping gobs of snot or needing to see an ENT or longing for Prednisone to put me out of my misery. :)

It's amazing to me after having years of being a "respiratory cripple", as I tagged it in the early 90s, when walking to the bathroom was enough to wind me, when I became often housebound, when I would have 6+ bronchitis episodes a year.

This is so much better. I guess I wanted to skip the bad altogether. To get a reprieve.

And I did. This is a reprieve. I will be thankful and not whine. :)

Today, to keep the motivation up, I spent some time in front of the mirror stark naked. And you know, I didn't mind it so much. I knelt on the bed and looked in the dresser mirror and thought, "Wow, if I hadn't gotten morbidly obese and had still done Pilates, my body would be amazing..." and then I thought, "But for an old dame who did wreck her body for 2+ decades, it's not bad. I kinda like that woman there."

My body would terrify a Hollywood starlet and it probably would disgust the shallow types who only see beauty in the perfect smooth slenderness of magazines...but me, I looked and thought, 'Yeah. I want to keep this. I don't wanna go back."

Hanging skin and droopy boobies and rippled butt and all, I had a woman's curves and some muscle and lean cool looking legs. This is my motivation today. To keep this and to do even better...to not lose what the hard war has won me.

I stayed in my challenge calorie counts yesterday. I exercised 75 minutes altogether. I drank all my fluids. I stayed away from starches. And while the scale didn't move down, I feel like I'm starting to get a grip again from the slippery slope. (fingers crossed) Onward...I don't lose heart or faith.

And to commemorate the re-commitment to MY own transformation today, a pic of me fitting into an old pair of "goal shorts". White shorts. With a white tank. I haven't worn white in..in..I can't remember. Fat people tend to avoid light colors. Well, this fat woman did. But here I am, all in white. These shorts are XL. I bought them back when I was 4x. They didn't go over my hips then. They do now--with room to spare:

My plate again has room to spare, too. Back to reining things in and not letting portion creep get me.

I wish I could eat like hubby and be on the verge of underweight like he is. Sigh. Men. So lucky. Can eat more than we do! Here's the "lunch and snacks" I packed last night for hubby --not including the breakfast I pre-made for him to nuke or the apple and banana he takes in his work-bag for his extra fruit snacks or the Larabar and nuts he keeps at his desk for emergency hunger:

Hubby's lunch for today...with snack..in his
EASY LUNCHBOX set, cooler not shown.

Today's lunch part 1: grilled chicken breast with 1/2 cup Mexican rice and a spinach mozzarella salad  
Lunch part 2: sirloin burger with cheddar, asparagus, mashed potatoes (real butter and cream)
Snack: Beanitos with salsa, cottage cheese with strawberries and cantaloupe, dark chocolate square.
Not showing: nuts, apple, banana, Larabar

Yes. That's his "lunch bag" contents. And he's on the border of underweight. (He lost 60 or so pounds altogether, half this year when he did the Primal experiment. Experiment cancelled. He dropped so much weight, I had to put starches back in the diet in the form of rice and potatoes, with the occasional legume (peas, those Beanitos now and then). He was turning into pure bones. Starch is fattening, so there you go. Eat the starches, keep from losing too much.

So, for you men who want to drop fat like mad, go Paleo/Primal. Hubby literally had to eat ALL DAY, snack ALL DAY, eat multi-meals to just keep weight on...and still got bony.

Grrrrr. This is so unfair. I want to eat all day long, too! hahahahahah

And for those, like me, who won't be reaching certain goals by Slimmer This Summer Challenge's end, don't ever give up and repeat this quote I got from Anne today:

“When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, 

don't adjust the goals, adjust the action steps.”

Anyway, be good to yourself with healthy foods and movement and be very, very happy today! It's your day for JOY!

And for believers out there having a hard time, going through the dark night of temptations and sorrow,  this one's for YOU!

AMEN!

Inch off my waist? Really? But scale on sodium hold at 202 (damn you sauerkraut and kosher hot dog!)...BUT, MAJOR NEWS: I didn't rush to food for comfort on getting bad news, which means I changed, somehow, really changed (right?)......on day 88 of Phase 5

Tanita-san wavered between 201.8 and 202.0, so it's 202.0, as I go by highest number.

But my waist is down one inch since two days ago, when I was also 202.0. :) Body is weird, huh?

I am sore like mad. Really, crazy sore. Hubby kept hearing me groan last night. I exercised a lot in the last two days, and today I designate a "let the dang muscles rest day". I think it's the combo of exercising a lot and eating a salty supper (low fat hot dogs with NO buns, mustard, sauerkraut, and blackberries/cantaloupe fruit salad). I have great hopes for a good weigh-in Sunday as I stay the course.

I will say that something fundamental has shifted within me. Yesterday, I got bad news re a sibling. I was...a bit depressed. I woke up still a bit depressed. Then I wept a bit. Then she and I chatted on the phone, and then I wept a bit more.

My mom died of a bone marrow condition that essentially robbed her of blood. She had to get weekly blood transfusions and the chemo used to try and save her life ended up making her last months agonizingly, horrifically painful due to neurophathy. She ended up unable to walk, use her hands, unable to see, helpless, and in chronic pain. It was....torture.

So, I'm having these flashbacks to that dreadful year --the year I ballooned to 299, gaining more than 30 pounds in 8 months from stress eating, almost becoming diabetic in the process--and I'm feeling anxious and upset and sad, sad, sad.

I keep telling myself this is probably some other anemia, not aplastic anemia. Something correctible with B-12 and iron or better nutrition. I can't bear to think our autoimmune whack genes are at it again..with my big sis.

Anyway, I didn't realize until just 30 minutes ago that, as much as my string of weeks of energetic  joy dived into worry and sadness and bad flashbacks and weeping, I did not reach for food. I didn't reach for chocolate and pasta and mashed potatoes and mac n cheese or call for pizza or lasagna or enchiladas or anything.

I had a simple egg and fruit breakfast. I have not snacked. I'm completely fine foodwise, so far.

And the realization astounds me. I am not self-comforting with food. I hope, I hope, I hope, please God, I hope this is a permanent shift and I'm never gonna dive into food to make me feel okay again when things get dark. I really want this change to be fundamental to a New Me reality.

For now, I thank Heaven. I thank God that bad news didn't = bad eating.

It's...a transformation.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you......dear Lord, thank you!

If you're a praying person, could you please pray for healing for my sis. You can call her "I" (her first name's initial). She's 70, and I know that as we age, things hit us, but to spare her (and all of us) the awfulness of what my mom went through, this is my prayer and my wish and my desire and my hope.

Some good, some the same, and some bad--my post is like human life, eh?

Today, I pray good health and good news for you....

Day 50 of Phase 5: Where I Rant About My Defective Body and Early Envy of the Healthy, and Where I Progress to Make Peace and Vow to Good Stewardship of This Temple...and Where I Answer My Own Question about 3 Tips and Gift Basket For Obese Loved Ones/Friends Wanting to Lose Weight...

No scale today.

Asthma is acting up (yes, it began with 2 weeks of stuffier and stuffier nose and allergies and rashes, and now the spring pollen and mold assault has encroached on the bronchii). Pilates was tough, but we kept the pace slow enough that I didn't go into all-out attack. Sucks. But..hey, as long as I can breathe and am alive, I should not kvetch too much.

I think the reason it bothers me is that I exercise, eat beautifully, try to sleep restfully, de-stress my life as much as is possible without being comatose, don't abuse cigarettes, alcohol, drugs or sex. Do what I'm supposed to. But I can't do squat about what is genetically wrong with me.

It vexes me, yes, that this is out of my control. I was born defective; I'll die defective. I'll never EVER EVER know what it feels like to be a really healthy person.

Even as a kid, I was so envious it would drive me to near suicide that other kids could run and didn't have to carry wads of tissues in their pockets and bookbags, which inevitably ran out by lunchtime. Other kids didn't have to make sure they had pockets or purses to carry medicines and hankies. Other kids didn't have to worry when weather or seasonal changes came on. Other kids didn't have to routinely get shot up or hospitalized. Other kids didn't suffer debilitating depressions from age 8 on...though I didn't realize what it was until years and years later, when I understood wanting to kill yourself at age 8 and feeling blue as bruises periodically, in cycles,  for no reason is not  normal.

It pissed me off royally.

And in my teens and twenties and on, I'd get so angry at people who had vibrant health, who didn't worry that they could or could not breathe if they walked too fast or went past someone with strong perfume. Didn't have to sit somewhere else in church to avoid getting sick from residual smoke on a man's suit jacket of too much cologne on a woman's neck.

And when I was in the work force, worrying I'd be fired cause when my lungs took ill, I'd be out 2 weeks minimum at a stretch and have to bring in medical certification that I wasn't malingering. That I couldn't go camping with relatives. And on and on.

I used to tell healthy folks, who'd wake up and not have to give a care about what item they ate or what meds were in their pockets or what environment they had to avoid or how it was a fine day to just up and run around as much as they wished--don't take it for granted. I'd say that exactly: "you're blessed...don't take it for granted. That you can live without worrying if you'll suddenly seize up and not breathe...you're blessed."

It made me teeth-grinding furious when people with beautiful faces/bodies and profound health and excellently level moods sans depressive episodes did asinine crap like drunken binges, drug experimentation, promiscuous sex, , etc. How could my friends, these blessed ones, with clear skin, good eyes, fabulous health....risk damaging such a gift with quaaludes or coke or boozefests or one night stands or silly chicken-car-racing....

And there I was...envious and head-shakingly shocked they never understood what they had.....what a treasure.

So, I think part of my self-loathing and disdain of my body--which allowed me to get obese and not much care for ages about doing much about it--came from not being able to trust it. My eyes were bad (glasses at age 12). My skin was bad (rashes, eczema, then acne). My teeth were bad (stained from all those antibiotics in the tooth-formative years). My ankle was bad (severe fracture at age 5). And most of all, my immune system and respiratory system were bad.  My body was not trustworthy, and then I came to hate its weird shape (that was not gracefully feminine like my other sisters, who have different types from paternal side of family).

I am starting to make peace with my defective body. I want to take care of it, nurture it, make it more functional and attractive (though it's got so much irreversible damage, the level I can get to will never be..well...socially lauded). I want to stop damaging and hating it for being an enemy to me in so many ways since infancy. I remind myself it's also been a friend, allowing me to see, no matter how imperfectly, a beautiful world and the faces of the people I love. I can hear. I can walk. I can taste food. I can sing and feel the pleasure of it. I can dream. I can create.

It's nice to have a body.

Until the resurrection...I won't know what it's like to have a body that's completely free of...illnesses. Of defects. BUT....it's still entrusted to me, and though it's late in life, I am going to be a better steward.

Every Christian who deforms their body with overeating, drugs, self-mutilation, etc--that person is violating the good stewardship that God expects for all his gifts. Life and our bodies...like the Earth, is a gift, and we should take care of it. The body is, says the Word, a temple...the temple of God, each of us, individually. If I mistreat it, if I abuse it, God is not pleased.

I want God to be pleased with what I do with regard to my flesh...not just my spirit or mind or soul. I need to work on all of it. :)

Anyway, I had asked my lovely bloggy readers to respond to a question. Read it here in this post if you missed it. The comments were great. Very smart. Very useful. Read them if you are new to dieting/weight loss/fatfighting, and you want to get advice just on how to GET STARTED, get going, toward some success.

And here is how I'd respond:

Question One: 3 Tips for Getting Started
1. COMMIT FULLY AND WHOLEHEARTEDLY:  Commit to the reality and accept the tough but inevitable idea that you WILL HAVE TO GIVE STUFF UP. You will HAVE TO SACRIFICE SOME DEGREE, LARGE AND SMALL, OF FOOD RELATED PLEASURES AND COMFORTS FOR LIFE. It's not a temporary thing. A short-term fix. It's for life. Grasp that idea before embarking on the journey, then begin it with small steps that lead into the bigger steps (and everyone with half a brain knows the steps--eat less, move more, eat cleaner and more sound food, not junk and sugar and crap). But first, make the DECISION...or do what it takes to come to grasp that reality. That's numero uno.

2. BELIEVE FULLY and do what it takes to keep believing: If that means you have to scream affirmations into the morning wind, then do it. If it means tattooing "I Can Do It!"  onto your right forearm: do it. If it means leaving sticky notes all over to encourage you day and night. Do it. You will not keep moving past obstacles and temptations if you do not BELIEVE that you are capable of losing the weight, gaining the muscle, eating less, overcoming emotional eating, overcoming stress eating. BELIEVE YOU CAN DO THIS. Read blogs of successful losers/maintainers until you see yourself in their story. Read books of successful dieters. Read books of successful ANYTHING questers--mountain climbers, around-the-world sailors. DO WHAT IT TAKES TO KEEP FAITH AND HOPE ALIVE. Start a blog Join a challenge. Do not, not notnotnotnotnotnotnot lose faith in your ability. 

3. TRACK TO CALORIC LIMIT, THEN STOP EATING: Until you get to goal weight, choose a sane caloric level that will help you lose (and make it a lot less than what got you where you are) and track your food to stay within that level. Every morsel. Use a notepad. Use a computer. Use Sparkpeople. Use FitDay. Use whatever. But use something to account for points/calories. Naturally, then you stop eating when you reach your limit. PEOPLE LIE TO THEMSELVES. If you don't track every bite and spoonful and ounce (and a correlative of tracking is you must measure to know what to log/track), you will tell yourself "I didn't eat that much." Yes, you did. You got fat eating that much. I got fat eating THAT much. Don't lie. Track. It will open your eyes. And the online ones help you track nutrientes, so you know where you fall short (magnesium, iron, etc). And it will be stark evidence that you lean maybe (ahem, most likely, definitely) to unbalanced eating--too little protein, too many carbs, too much salt, not enough fiber,  etc.

If I had more tips to give, I'd move into actual nutrition and exercise tips and stuff. But I am strongly of the mind that if we commit, believe, and track...things will start to happen. Eyes will open. Hearts will fill up with faith.

Now, a gift basket, with at least 3 (or only 3) items to help folks who are morbidly obese on their journey.

I'd include:

1. THE END OF OVEREATING book
2. A printed list of online food trackers, youtube exercise videos, and weight loss sites/blogs with a note about how each can help.
3. A gift certificate for one pair of good walking shoes

If I was going to include more items, maybe a grocery list of "healthful diet staples" with a gift certificate to a farmer's market. Or a book of dieter's affirmations. Or more books I value. Or some good whey protein and recipes for breakfast smoothies. Or toning balls and resistance bands. Or exercise DVDs. Or a free pass for a week at a gym. Or a prepaid appt with a dietitian.

That's what I'd give if I was limited to 3, though. :)

Anyway, if you know someone who needs to and wants to get started, but just feels lost about how to get going...do read those comments and pass along this blog entry. Maybe this is what they need to see/read/do.

I have to go work on some fiction judging...see you guys tomorrow...be well...

Day 18 of P5: In a new "decade" at friggin last...hope it's not a momentary blip; finger still hurts, typing still hurts; Buck-Tick for the exercise mojo with a more positive original concept of "kamikaze"...so, um, how's it going with ya? :)

Tanita-san welcomes me to a new decade: 219.8

(I thought my waist looked "less than" and measured. Yep...1/2 inch down from last week.)

Took me long enough. I was tired of being in the low 220s already.

Funny, this is such a contrast to the months and year+ futzing about in the 270's. Sometimes, I get stuck in a decade. 280s and 270s were long ones. 260s less long, but I dithered.

I want to get out of the 210s with ease. This is my prayer. No futzing, dithering, lollygagging. Up and at em. Out of here! Let's do it, Body o' Mine!

(And while you're at it, BofM, please heal up this finger. It hurts to blog!)

Anyway, I felt no vim when I woke up, so I put on some Buck-Tick on the cd player and got my mojo going. Put on my workout clothes. Started moving about to get the blood pumping. Worked. The song "Kamikaze" today especially gave me some good "wind at my back"....which was followed on the CD with the faboo ZERO. (Link is to video of a live performance. Sakurai Atsushi in his long-haired glory. Hot dang! That'll wake up your ovaries.)  Double wind!

I decided I'm going to appropriate the term "kamikaze" while on the challenge. Not in the tragic and deadly way it was used in WWII and continues to be thought of today. But in the sense of divine intervention for my good. Kami is a word meaning god(s). Kaze means wind. Wind from God or the gods. Divine Wind. Kamikaze. It's a beautiful word. Too bad we have such ugly, sad, destructive images for it in our recent generations.

Let's make it a beautiful one again.

I believe in God. I believe God wants our good and when it is His Will, He will intercede on our behalf. God's plan is bigger than any one of us, but each one of us has great value.

So, I do pray for that divine winds--holy typhoons, mighty hurricanes of mercy-- to carry me to my health goals. Wind to blow away the boats carrying my enemies so they cannot disembark and wage war on me.

How are you doing as February closes and we see ourselves two months into the new year (less new now)? Are you meeting resolutions, short-term goals? Are you still fighting the fat fight or did you give up?

Find a new wind...keep going...


Here is a "nothing to see" video of Buck-Tick's "Kamikaze", couldn't find a performance one...enjoy...lyrics/translation here...

Day 3 of P4 of SoDDDY Challenge: Not Hungry, Feeling Calm, Eating on Plan, Gotta do the Walking, Still Really SORE! Ow, my abs! And a Peek at my Neglected "My Utmost for His Highest" Journal to remember that Slavery Sucks! Sooooo.... Does Food or Sloth Enslave You?

It's the third day. I am peaceful and calm, foodwise...so far. Nice. Yesterday, I was just a scosh over 1000 calories in a ratio of 53c/17f/30p. I liked this ratio. It left me feeling full (more protein) and didn't rack up the calories (less fat). (Had no appetite for my night snack, hence the lower number than the 1200 for the challenge.)

Breakfast: Ezekiel Toast/egg white/some chopped tomato and onions to make the egg whites interesting/milk-n-half-medium-banana-with-cinnamon smoothie/coffee/water/fiber supplement/cranberry supplement/Quercetin ~~~~  Calories:322

Snack: After walking, to be decided (prolly carrots and hummus or yogurt)

It's lovely not to feel food obsessed. Yesterday was calm. Today is calm. None of the nutty hunger like Monday evening's attack. Oh, Lord, let me stay this calm through til May 1 and beyond. Hear my prayer!

Speaking of Him and Prayer....I pulled out this journal I bought some years ago. Yes, dat's right, YEARS. I got it at the end of 1999 to document the Year 2000. It's a Christian inspirational type journal. Each page has a devotional taken from the Christian classic: MY UTMOST FOR HIS HIGHEST. You can read it FREE online. Same text that is in my journal.

I brought it out of the bottom drawer of my desk because one of the other things I need to get fit is my spiritual life. I've focused so much on other things in the last year, that this has taken a back seat, and that is NOT where God should be sitting in one's car. He should be inside me, choosing the direction and path. So, something else to work on besides food and fitness. And decluttering. And renovating. And moving. And becoming work-force ready again (after 2 decades out of the work force, which is scary as heck.)

So....I have never completed a journal within a year's span, ever. No diary, ever. This one is a little odd, in that instead of following the days--it's dated from Jan 1 on, one devotional per page with space for me to write my thoughts--I just date it from when I pick up my journal writing (very few entries, and I'm just starting APRIL's first day. April Fool's..hah!

 Inside I've put receipts from lunches and dinners out with hubby and sister and tickets from when we saw the Tutankhamun exhibit (woo, that was cool) and cards and other memorabilia. Even a piece of quality paper on which I wiped off some Ash Wednesday forehead ashes.

It's got lots of painful stuff, as my mom was a year and a half into her journey through excruciating illness, hundreds of hospital and doctor visits and death when I bought that thing. I was starting a dive into depression and rise in poundage.

A December 15, 2001 entry is where I started notating my weight in the white space above the devotional title. Almost 2 years since I bought the journal, but I was still in the January entries. I left a lot of blank pages in January. For January 31'st entry--this time 2002--I note I had lost 26.8 pounds at Weight Watchers, which brought me to 255.4 on their scale (so I was in the 280's prior to that, huh?) 

By 2003, I was regaining and was in the 260's. So I joined a gym. That was the year I built up some good muscle doing weight-lifting and exercises with a personal trainer for the first time. Negligible weight loss, but got nice and strong and just in time to lift my mom to and from a wheelchair when she got peripheral neuropathy. I wonder if God moved me to get that training to be ready. I never hurt my back or anything (and my mom weighed in the 180s when she was felled) cause I got STRONG. Stopped going to the gym by summer as she was getting worse and depression came knocking hard.

Slave Collar

August 25, 2003: 270 lbs. This is noted in the journal date of March 14 (I crossed that out and put in real date).  The entry  in the journal is titled OBEDIENCE (or YIELDING in the other translation that is available at the link I gave.) It quotes a verb from Romans:

"...you are that one's slaves whom you obey..."

And says this:

The first thing I must be willing to admit when I begin to examine what controls and dominates me is that I am the one responsible for having yielded myself to whatever it may be. If I am a slave to myself, I am to blame because somewhere in the past I yielded to myself. Likewise, if I obey God I do so because at some point in my life I yielded myself to Him.

If you are fat/obese/overweight/supersized, and don't have some really rare medical condition to justify it, guess what? You and I, we are slaves to food, slaves to gluttony, slaves to our appetites, slaves to our stomachs. It's not easy to type that. Truth is like that.

It further says:

When you yield to something, you will soon realize the tremendous control it has over you. Even though you say, “Oh, I can give up that habit whenever I like,” you will know you can’t. You will find that the habit absolutely dominates you because you willingly yielded to it. It is easy to sing, “He will break every fetter,” while at the same time living a life of obvious slavery to yourself. But yielding to Jesus will break every kind of slavery in any person’s life.

On May 25, 2004, the day my mom died, I hit my highest weight, which I recorded in the journal (on the journal date of March 15):  I was 299 lbs.

I'm not 299 today. See sidebar for my weight loss progress.

TODAY.....I don't plan to yield to food. TODAY. One day at a time. TODAY, I will not let it control me. I want to break this crappy, sinful, childish, selfish habit of letting food overtake me, of wanting to be ovetaken by the pleasure of food.

As a believer, I have never, obviously, fully relied on the power of The Risen One, cause I stayed fat for ages. Other sins in my life are similarly controlling me. I plan to break free from one of them at a time..one by one...and end up, on my deathbed, a woman who yielded in the proper way to The Good and conquered the Bad..the unfruitful or vicious habits.

You don't have to be a person of faith to admit you are a slave to food or bound by sloth. If you didn't do your exercise today, sloth has you, baby. If you overate, food is your master.

You don't have to acknowledge God as Master to master yourself. You do have to be YOUR OWN master and tell food who rules your world: You not it.

For a Christian, the answer is in yielding to the Spirit. If a sin has control over you--and that includes sloth and gluttony--then you are not sufficiently yielded. That's the ugly truth. Sin can get you sometimes, but if it's chronic, you're a slave to  it and not a yielded slave to God. The whole lotta fat folks in our churches says that we have focused so much on X sin or Y vice (be it sex or cussing or anger or envy or materialism or unforgiveness or vanity) that we've ignored gluttony. You know it's true.

God or You....or Food or Sloth. Something is gonna rule your day.

I am gonna write in the journal today, and by day's end, I intend to log there that I overcame food and I kicked the crap outta Sloth.

Pray for me or, if you are a non-believer, wish me well. I wish YOU well.

In The Challenges of Christmas, Sir Allan Gave to Me....

Did you know that the first of the 12 days of Christmas is actually December 25 (or 26)?

I've known folks who think it's the 12 days leading UP to Christmas. Not so. It's December 25th, Christmas day,  through January 5th, the eve of Feast of the Epiphany ( January 6). It might be thought of as well as 12/26 through 1/6. Basically, the post-Christmas events.  Whichever tradition you follow, it extends the feeling of Christmas--family time, presents, food, fun.


I was born in Cuba, as were all my siblings and, natch, my parents. When I was little, I got gifts on January 6, left under my bed by the Three Wise Men, who brought gifts to the young Jesus. Here in Miami, there's a tradition in the Latin community to have a Three Kings Day Parade. (Not just here. All over the nation, but hey...)

Tangent: For those of you with great and/or weird senses of humor, you'd love the King Mango Strut--are you listening, Carb Tripper? Heh. The Strutters may need heavy coats and boots this year!

Because a niece is going out of town with her kids for December's holidays, my family will be harking back to the old tradition and exchanging gifts on the 6th of next month. I've advocated for this change for years: you can really get deals at those After Christmas sales, and you avoid the holiday shopping nightmare that happens post-Thanksgiving. I'm all over that. :)

Anyway, as you've noticed, surely, we're barraged by Christmas carols lately. Not a bad thing. I love Christmas music and singing along. In honor of the recent challenges (and current) hosted by Allan of Almost Gastric Bypass blog, I am belting out "The Sons and Spawn Challenge 12 Days of Christmas". No, it's not funny. It's almost all too real. A lot of what I've been eating (minus the briny turkey, as I didn't make the turkey for Thanksgiving. But his turkey sounded yummy and I wish he HAD made it for me. )

If you're a challenge mate, just change it to the stuff YOU are eating these challengey days. Make your own Spawny carol.

For brevity's sake, I'll just do the LAST stanza and list the days altogether. Feel free to sing out loud. It burns more calories than just reading:

On the Challenges of Christmas, Sir Allan gave to me:

Twelve water wagons
Eleven lists of lite meals
Ten egg white omelettes
Nine briny turkeys
Eight cups of decaf
Seven scooped out bagels
Six spoons for measures
FIVE PROTEIN SHAKES!
Four frozen bars
Three berry salads
Two apples, baked...
And a  bowl full of low-cal veggies.

Wired from Sudafed, Some Assorted Thoughts on the Biggest Loser Show With Past Contestants/Winners, thoughts on losing and regaining, and on Thanksgiving....

Man, it's 4:40 AM here in Miami and I am not at all sleepy. I finally caved and took Sudafed today, two doses, one mid-afternoon, one at 11 PM. My respiratory passages are clearer, for sure, but I'm not getting Zzzzzzs.

I watched the reunion Biggest Loser show. Hubby watched part with me and said, "Seems like the ones who keep it off are the ones who make diet/exercise a mission, either with charity work or have endorsements that motivate them to stay thinner." Yep. Looks that way. There seems to be something in the ones who manage to mostly  maintain that keeps the exercise-diet fire going in their bellies in the months and years after leaving the TBL ranch.

It was a bit disheartening, a bit "yeah, expected it", a bit scary, a bit sad to see the winners of seasons past (except for Michelle A, and wonder why she didn't show up) file in. The heaviest being the one who won the first season, Ryan, who is back up to about 300 lbs. Then Matt Hoover, he's looking quite porky again, though nowhere as big as his first days on the show. And so forth. The most recent losers were the slimmest. Ali Vincent has made a career of fitness post TBL, so I don't understand why she was wearing that ungainly, loose outfit that made her look bigger than she is.

I wonder if the more recent winners were looking at the first two winners and thinking, "Oh-oh, I do not want that to happen to me!"

But the truth is, very few, very very very very very few weight LOSERS become weight loss MAINTAINERS. Regain is a huge, huge issue. Whether it's diet. Whether it's gastric bypass. Whether it's lap band. Whether it's VLCD or Clean Diet or Atkins or South Beach or Weight Watchers or eDiets...regain is far far far more common than maintain.  I've seen varying figures, but none are encouraging. Maybe 5 percent keep it off. Some say 2%. I don't know who's  right, but saying the 95% who lose then go on to regain is depressing as shit.

I have been following the blog of a person who inspired me, a person who lost  more than 100 lbs and looked faboo. That person is way off the wagon now and though weigh-ins are no longer updated, there has already been some recorded regain. It hurts to see it. Hurts cause, well, it could be a snapshot of any of us in the future. Lose....to regain.

Ryan. Matt. Suzy. Erik......you...me? Could we become Big Losers who turn into Big Regainers? The stats say yes.

Which is why I read books NOW on how to maintain. May seem nuts, but I bought two of them, and I read them along with diet cookbooks, diet motivational books, scientific books on causes and treatments of overeating and so forth. I want to look ahead with hope. I want to be one of the 2 or 5 percent who keep it off. So I read about those who maintain and how they do it.

Guess what. It's as hard as losing. In some ways harder, in some easier, but it's still hard. It still requires vigilance and discipline and not caving and not giving up.

Some of you are thinking, "Well, first I gotta lose it. It's a moot point if it's not gone first. Then worry about maintenance."

I don't think so. I think that understanding that the struggle never ends, that there isn't a skinny rainbow waiting with a pot of "always thin" gold and a fairy godmother to boink our disordered eating and cravings away with her wand. Not gonna happen. Some people do have a major switch flipped and lose and never regain and just do it and we marvel. They are not the majority.

For anyone thinking losing it is the battle, I think the TBL reunion show is a wake-up call. No. It's gonna still be hard. This does not end. Which is why Allan's challenges encouraging us to eat at goal weight caloric level are a great help. It shows us what must be, what MUST be, like it or not.

So, this Thanksgiving, I'm not pigging out. And if I do--no, I'm just not gonna. I choose not to. Well, if I make it to the dinner, given I can't sleep and am ill.

I am thankful that I am able to learn new habits and that I have this opportunity. I'm thankful that I can hope to be in the golden minority. I choose to have faith, because if we don't believe we CAN do it, then we won't. So, even if it's blind faith, faith against the numbers, faith against the stark reality, I choose to believe it's possible and I can do it.

I choose to focus on the fact that some folks on TBL kept it off and stayed alert and on top of their eating. Some succeed. SOME MAKE IT. Let's learn from the ones who do it year in and year out. They have something to teach us about discipline, changed habits, and sacrifice.

And that the grind never ends, so find a passion for it.

Be thankful for food, but be thankful for the ability not to have too much of it, not even on holidays.

Blessings on you all this Thanksgiving. God has been gracious and good to this country that brims with so much that is positive even in an economic downturn and time of war. Remember to thank Him for all the blessings on your table, in your heart and mind, around you in your loved ones, and out there in this cosmos. Pray for those who are less blessed.

If you have pretty good health, if you can normally breathe freely or walk unhindered or see and hear without impediment, be thankful. If you have a solid roof over your head and someone in your life who gives a damn about you, be thankful. If you have a job, be thankful. If you have people to help you if you do NOT have a job, be thankful. If you could afford a ham or turkey or tofurkey or whatever it is that is your piece de resistance, be thankful.

Thank you, Lord, for your graces and mercies and blessings.

Gracias....te doy gracias, mi Dios...

Remembering a Day of Tears, Anticipating the Days Without Tears

I don't want to feel what I felt on 9-11 of 2001. I don't want to feel how I felt the bleak weeks after. It's too awful and I am already tearing up typing this.

There's a painting by an artist I like a lot--Melanie Weidner--that LOOKS like how I FELT that day 9 years ago. It's called "Willing to Weep."  (at left)  (She has a lot of hope-inspiring work, so visit her online gallery if you're feeling really down over this day's memories.)

Broken. Cracked in the heart. Spilling out. Psychically damaged. Unable to function.

We waste a lot of life and lives hating. They hate us. We hate them. They kills us. We kill them. Young people snuffed out. Men and women, babies and old people--they all suffer because we humans have a propensity for violence, distrust, misunderstandings, jealousies, greed, lust, and ...hate.

Fortunately, we also saw on that bleak day and on those bleak weeks and months and years after the fall of the towers and loss of thousands of innocent lives that people can also be courageous, unselfish, compassionate, generous, merciful, and hopeful. And resilient.

We can learn and move on.

But that day, and those weeks, and these past years, have left scars on our soil, in our hearts, and in our minds--and even on the bodies of some who survived. We can still weep. This is a good thing. To forget is not always wise. To be unable to cry is...to be dead. To hope and long for healing and progress is to be alive.

On the anniversary of every painful event in my life, my favorite Bible verse comforts me. It keeps me looking to a better day, when all these terrible things will be a shadow left behind, a memory erased, because there is no room for hate or evil or bombs or wars in the World To Come. I asked them to read it at my mom's funeral 6 years ago, and I am thinking of it today as we remember the awful events, the awful sufferings, the terrible massacre that happened 9 years ago today:

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

--Revelation 21:4

Maybe that can comfort you, too.

Go comfort someone today in some way, small or large, via words or hugs or smiles or a note or by painting something for someone or by singing a song to someone or by a donation to a charity that assists the victims of war-torn lands and lands oppressed by the hate-filled and tyrannous . Pray that those who lost loves ones that day have comfort today. Pray that those who have lost loved ones in battles that followed 9-11 and continue to this day are comforted. Give comfort...and you get it.

Until our tears are wiped away forever....