Final Update: E2E Challenge and an eye to a future challenge for those "Close to Goal"...

Tanita-san now: 177.8 lbs

Starting weight: 183.0 lbs

Ending waist: 34.75 inches

Starting waist: 36.0 inches

Challenge loss: 5.2 lbs

Waist decrease: 1.25 inches

I did not meet my challenge goal to lose 10 pounds. I lost a bit over half.

I did meet my challenge goal to get my waist under 35 inches. I measure with a Myotape, always, for years, so it may or may not be accurate, but at least it shows a consistency.

I found out a month and a week into the challenge that my thyroid status was bad. This certainly helps explain why I was having trouble and gaining/regaining, was losing hair, had horrible joint pain (gout-like pain), suffered increasing lethargy, experienced lowered mood, and slept up to 16 hours some days, 14 others.

I'm pretty sure that this is improving,though I dont' get retested until next week. My hair loss has stabilized. My energy is up. I'm sleeping fewer hours, the weird joint pains have resolved and all that's left are the usual arthritic/bursitic/torn ligament issues and pain. And after having regained to 184 pounds and change, I'm back down to my nearly lowest weight on this journey. I'd say the increased thyroid med dosage has come into play. :D

I still do not fit into the dress, though I fit BETTER into it. I'll just repost the pics from a couple days back, since it's pretty much where the dress fits now:

My starting weight/stats/photos can be viewed here.

I stayed hydrated nearly every day of this challenge. I supported my buddy and some fellow challengers--and it was never my goal to support ALL 18, but I always met the minimum of supporting at least 3 a week in addition to my buddy. I never missed setting up a linky for the challenge-mates. I didn't quit.

My main helpful book this challenge was THE WILLPOWER INSTINCT, and if you have willpower issues, yes, I recommend it. The other book for the challenge was THE SMARTER SCIENCE OF SLIM. If you've gotten to obesity and want a healthful way of eating that helps keep appetite calm and gets you plenty of nutrients and has some science behind it, this is a good one. Lots of studies, charts, and a very easy recommendation for a high-protein eating plan that keeps you full.

These two following were my guiding quotes, and they still apply. I will see them as quotes useful for the whole of 2012 or life:

"The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term is the indispensable prerequisite for success."

~~Maxwell Maltz

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.   

 ~~Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) 

For me, after a time of struggle and health status decline, just hanging in and regaining ground feels like a victory. Imagine if I had quit...if I had tossed in the towel . I'd be 20 or more pounds heavier by now, given my lousy thyroid measure (5.5 points HIGHER than my normal status). I'd have eaten my way in short order back well into obesity. It's ridiculously easy to gain. Is this not so? It's hard to fight when you feel down, stressed, beset, tired, unmotivated.

It's what you and I do when times are rough that will determine how this works out long-term. If you give up, you lose the fight. If you keep at it, keep at it, keep at it, seeking solutions, finding strategies, working to hold on to even the smallest miniscule of motivation or lightest molecule of hope, there's a chance to turn it around.

But not if you QUIT.

I did not quit. Almost all of the challengers (17 out of 18) did not quit, and our Bluezy came back for the finale. I'm hoping all 18 of us check in by noon Monday!

 I'm very proud of them.

I'm proud of me.

God bless us all and help us as we continue on this difficult journey to better health and a happy weight. For life!

I'll see you guys in the Ready for Summer challenge --my second week update will be posted prolly on Monday--and around our bloggy realm of fatfighters.

Finally, an announcement: FUTURE CHALLENGE IN THE WORKS!

I am considering a challenge for later in the summer called "Close to Goal" for those with 25 or fewer pounds to lose: That last stretch toward whatever is the chosen goal weight.

I'd want to keep it smallish and for those who have already lost a lot and just need to push through those tough last bunch of pounds. If that's something you might be interested in, keep an eye open. I'll probably fiddle with a a blog url I already claimed and, if time permits,  play with the layout. There's a temporary blog theme there now.

I'll set it up in a few weeks at http://close2goal.blogspot.com.

Just an early heads up for those who may be interested, be qualified (have lost lots, need to lose a bit more) --with priority given to those who have already done and completed challenges with me. (If you quit on any of my challenges, don't join. I only want folks who'll stick it out. Sorry, but I get irked when people drop out of my challenges.)

So, see you soon, my dears. BE WELL. Blessings upon you....a holy Passover time...and a very, very joyful, love-filled, hope-assured Easter. Believe in a whole new life for yourself and others!

Quikie E2E Final Midweek Update

Yesterday: 178.8
Today: 179.2

I've been icky feeling since Monday. I ate some take-out beef, and it totally did not agree with me. This is a weird sensation. It's not food poisoning in the regular sense--the fierce diarrhea and nausea and even puking, like I've had a couple times in my life.

This has been a lower level, "I don't feel well" thing, with queasiness, intestinal rumbliness without the runs, and light ache if I press my abdomen. The ache was worst Monday night and Tuesday, a real ouchie. Now, it's just annoying. It's better today, but I'm still not "normal". I have this weird "off" feeling. The persistent queasiness makes me annoyed. Just goes to show how important bowel health is.

I haven't exercised since Monday, so haven't completed the RfS exercise mini-goal. I cancelled Pilates for today. I hope this icky feeling passes by the weekend, as my family plans to do an out-at-the-park thing for Easter. I'd like to feel chipper, get my vigor back, and be able to destress with play-exercise. It's also really hard to get the scale to move sans exercise....

For now, I'm just kinda taking it easy and hating the "off" feeling.

I am eating fine--simpler food prepared at home.

I have been reading spiritual stuff for Holy Week, so no challenge reading, other than the online obesity articles I do tend to keep on top of.

So, doing "meh" due to some foodborne buggie. The stress factor is still high, and that makes the anxiety sort of burbe up (especially without my exercise destressor). More meditation and prayer, I guess, is in order. :D

Happy holy week to all. See you for the final E2E update (prolly Saturday, maybe Sunday.)

"The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term is the indispensable prerequisite for success." 

~~Maxwell Maltz 

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

~~Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

A bloggy recommendation for those starting this weight loss journey with a lot to lose or change..A pre-final update try-on of the E2E dress...and some thoughts/advice on weight-loss blogging...

I've been thinking a lot about how my two year blog "get to goal" deadline is closing in. Only FIVE months away. Boy, does tempis fugit. It doesn't seem like more than a year and a half already since I began this blog for greater accountability, focus, and motivation.

My previous blog is one I think of as my "setting the stage" or "prepping the field". Three years of working on issues, trying assorted diets (including raw vegan), and figuring out why the hell I binge and why I could not seem to heal my eating issues. I was on a quest to know ME and heal MYSELF.

This blog was created when I finally found my stride and wanted to be visible, hence the pics,  accountable, hence the weekly weigh-ins on the sidebar,  and goal-oriented, hence the timeline and caloric limits and and exercise goals.

I want to tell you that if you have a LOT of weight to lose, be prepared to give it time

But be prepared for that time to whizz by. WHIZZ!

Two years sounded like a lot in 2010. Not so much now.

A year. Two years. Three years...this will seem ridiculously far away to you if you are early in your journey--or just about to start. YOu want it FAST AND FASTER.

Well, you know, 100 pounds, 200 pounds, 300 pounds. That's a lot to lose. Crash diets suck. Sorry, but they do. I've seen major crash and burns with folks who think the shortcut is the best path.

Give yourself time to lose and focus on goals, daily and weekly, monthly, annually. Make it as consistent as you can so you build habits. Learn a new way to eat and move that doesn't take you BACK to where you began.

Give it time.

And if you are going to blog about your journey (and I think it's a great motivating tool if you use it properly, for learning and accountability), be consistent with that, too. Sporadic blogging. Dishonest blogging. Skipping weigh-ins. Going blank for weeks. That's all a sign of being OUT of control and NOT willing to be accountable even to yourself. 

Using a public forum for motivation ONLY works if you commit to BEING public with the goals/results. You will feel shame if you did poorly, and that is part of it. You will feel joy when you succeed, and that's great. People will commisserate. People will celebrate. People will offer advice. Soemtimes, people are cruel and nasty. But most of the time, people are supportive and kind and friendly.

Don't blog for weight loss if you're gonna lie and fudge. It really defeats the whole purpose of being public. You want to be as public with the lows and with the highs. The fails and the wins. That's the only way this forum keeps you on track. If you commit to it.

And I recommend one more thing: Do future blogs that will pop up to ask you questions. I saw another blogger do this, and I think it's a great idea.

If you set a year as your timeline, create a blog post that will post AUTOMATICALLY in a year's time. Date it a year from today. Create the post that asks you to answer questions about how you've come, if you've met goals, what you learned, where you are, and to set NEW goals for the coming year.

You can do this in any time frame you like, but it's another bloggy tool that can help. What will you ask of that future YOU? What do you want that future you to be doing, thinkng, weighing? Make the future post..today.

Cause time really does fly. Don't let one other year pass without getting even a bit closer to your goals. (Though a lot closer is always nicer, right?)

Now, the Dress:

I woke up, put on a bra (no panties or shapewear to help out, hah), clipped up my messy hair, and tried on the E2E dress (a size 14 regular --not W or plus-Nine West fitted sheath). Just to see if now that  most of my regain is gone, where the zipper stands.

First, how it looked at the start of the challenge:

The zipper/back view today:

Front and side views today:

I noticed it was even less snug in the waist and hip area (more give, which is noticeable in the front view in the waist).

I'm glad to be making progress on losing the regain (I had gotten to 184 again briefly). Today, 178.8.

I wonder if that would have been better without the lunch of salty shredded beef Cuban style and the miso soup I made for supper. Lots of sodium yesterday, cause I didn't want meat or to cook much, so I just did take-out lunch and a quickie miso supper (paste in hot water, add mushrooms and scallions and seaweed). Plus a pear and some cashews. Miso is VERY VERY salty. Like 900 grams per tablespoon. I did have a glass of coconut water to balance the miso-sodium with some potassium. I think that helped. :D

So, take your pics. Start your blog. Be faithful with accountability. Chart your progress in numbers and pictures.

Some days, and some weeks--when it's hard and harder and hardest--knowing you have to check in and fess up to the world can keep you from going all nuts when temptation hits. It really can. I know it's done it for me many times on this journey. Knowing you'd SEE what I did or did not do made me think twice about skipping a workout or eating that extra helping.

When things are humming, you don't need this. But it doesn't always hum.

If you plan to blog to lose....and if you find it helpful at all...use the tool well. Everyone knows if you misuse a tool,  it's not gonna get the job done.This isn't about being perfect. It's about being true.

Don't dawdle with it, fiddle with it, lie on it. Use the tool until you get to goal. Or for as long as it's useful. Not everyone thrives on this medium. If it's good for you, use it right. Use it consistently and with integrity...and it will yield results. I believe that. :)

Be well...

I'm Too Old For Nasty...Really: A bit of a vent-rant..Let Love Rule, even amongst fatfighters...the fatfighting lessons in the holy days...and my Eve2Easter #13 Update

I had to remove a blog from my blogroll. I understand criticism. I understand tough love. I understand wanting to motivate. I understand wanting to offer reality slaps. I always appreciate the folks whose motive is my and our good. Our progress.

But mean and nasty and sneering superiority, that I don't need. Really, I don't. Isn't there enough of that ruining the world? That's not what this planet is in short supply of.

Sometimes, lines are crossed. I have a very long tether for this type of thing. I grew up in a tough and violent neighborhood, but was also brought up devoutly religious.So, I had to endure and do a lot of cheek-turning, and some days I had to use a knife to defend myself. It was a fine line to try to walk. Tough.

I am bi-cultural. So, I had to learn to walk that fine line. Being 'Not American" enough for some, "No Cuban" enough for others.

I try to give the benefit of the doubt. I've learned to love people who hurt me and I initially despised ...just natural, instinctual hate. I learned through prayer and empathy to really like and love some hard cases.

So, it's not like I just have no patience or endurance with that. I do try to see beyond the anger and toughness and gauge if what's at the root is a good thing. A caring thing.

I know I've typed stuff in comments that had no ill intent, then I looked back at the black and white words and thought: Hm, that came across wrong. That looks harsher than I intended. It just has the wrong tone in toneless e-words. So, I assume this happens to others--in blog posts, comments, email. We just use the wrong phraseology or type too fast and don't see how it can be misunderstood.

Hence, the long line, the full intent not to assume the worst. Words can sometimes be halting in the internet; misconstrued; phrased poorly; missing the elements of good will the writer intends; hobbled by lack of vocal tone or facial expression.

Tough love vs. abuse. Which is it?

I do try to give the benefit of the doubt and lean to believe in  the former, not the latter.

But sometimes, I come to decide, "Oh, this is just nasty, down to the ground and nothing in its soul is edifying." It's not pretty to come to this conclusion. It hurts. I want to believe in the "better angel".

This happened today. I read a blog post and thought, "Wow. That's just a vomitus of  mean-spiritedness and profanity with no redeeming explanation at its core or goodwill in its heart." (Or for lapbanders out there, a productive burp composed of reeking black bile.)

It wasn't aimed at me, I will clarify, but at another blogger in the fat-fighting realm; though, one day, it may easily be me being ridiculed. Who knows? People who look for targets surely find them. We are legion out here baring our imperfections in this quest for healing.

Really, there's enough pain and ugliness in the world. I'd rather not add more to it or allow any more than absolutely necessary into my life. Can't always avoid it.

So, sometimes, I gotta unlink from folks who continue to spew just unproductive, finger-pointing, ugly, ugly, ugly stuff. That kind of party is not where I wanna fest it up in these last years/decades of my life. My Lord would heartily disapprove of it, too. And really, with Holy Week coming up, I don't want to hang where Jesus would say, "This is not a place where love or honor dwells."

And then I add. "For now."

Why? Because I believe in the power of epiphanies. Of people realizing they're causing awfulness and deciding to stop, to modify, to gentle their attitudes.

I do believe in honesty and tough love, real tough love, not the fake one, not the ravening, salivating wolf in tough love clothing,  that just wants to eat you up and laugh about it for fun. Not the tough love that shows up without a shred of respect, love, compassion, mercy, or understanding for the weaker lambs in the big, big fold in blogdom. To those fake "tough lovers", all the weaker ones are...are prey. All the tough talk ends up being internet snark....it's just cruelty. Without redeeming value.

Is this something you want in your bloggy experience?

I don't.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 This is the next to last update. I've had a hard time for months for various reasons, some out of my control and some not. But we're still in here, fighting it. Learning. And, hopefully making progress. Next week, final pic and update. So...here's the penultimate one:

Tanita-san: 179.6.                 

Waist: 34.75  in

Last week:
182.2
35 in

Like the fourth straight day mildly down? Fifth? I forget.  Just so happy not to see the rising numbers like before. Yep.

Still sticking to one starch a day and 1500 calories (mostly).  Did two strengthening exercises and three cardio, so fell short by one cardio. Been using affirmations and lots of positive thinking to combat the stressful situation this week , and so stay out of FOOD. :D Fluids have been fine. Support of some challengers (way more than minimum).

Super-stressful situation continues, but I am not caving. Lots of praying. Taking extra C. And trying to get adequate sleep to keep the immune system hummng.

Yeah, baby. I'm chasing serenity. :D

Very little reading in my book, as I've been doing the online reading of studies

Love abounds in my household, and I like peace in my mind. I want both to abound here. If I fall short, forgive me. When I need a good kick in the pants, kick me with kindness. I always appreciate it. :D

Happy day before Palm Sunday.

If one thing is learned by this week to folks of my particular faith, is that after the worst, comes the best. You suffer, then you are reborn. You go through the bad, but a better day is coming. So, for others going through stress or trials, the better day is coming. Just keep the hope and do what is right and wise--in food, in movement, in mental attitude, in acts of kindness and support. Just keep doing what is needful and proper...and wait with good expectations. :D

Passover will soon be here for our Jewish friends, and that is also a time to remember how much good can come out of a bad place, how greatly miraculous things can happen after  a time of suffering. Out of slavery, enriched, full of song, and on the way to a better land.
 
Whatever the trial is this week, keep your eyes open for the way out, the miracle, the power, the mentor, the wise counsel.... the better land. The new life. You may have to walk like the dickens to get there...or "die" in some metaphorical fashion...but it's  there...look and see. Believe and have it.

Let's move forward. Let's be supportive on this long and difficult journey. Let's be well...

"The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term is the indispensable prerequisite for success." 

~~Maxwell Maltz

" For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

~~Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Fight The Fat Remotivation Day 7 and Eve to Easter Midweek Update #13: Starting to Turn This Boat Around! And My Ready for Summer Freggie Pick for "Try Something New"

Tanita-san: 181.2

Okay, one good caloric day under my belt at last. This is a bigger victory than it sounds, as I've been lax, with 1700-1800 being more the norm. I kept my starch down. As expected, some water loss shows up on the scale.

Yesterday, I stayed under 1500, just a bit,  but under. :D

I remember when 1400 calories seemed a cinch to keep to. Sigh.

One thing I learned early in the journey, in my readings first (I love me studies), and then in experience, is that it takes a while to adapt to lowering calories. And if you eat higher calories, then it's harder to readapt. So, I'm in the readapting to a lower caloric state.

I'll tell you, I envy the folks who can eat 1800, 2000 or more calories and be lean. Lucky you. :D

I want to keep fighting and get back my "adaptation".

On the movement front: I took a rest day yesterday, and it was good.  I needed to catch up on sleep and just...be still a bit. Focus. Focus.

Today, I need to be active. I'll be getting out the exercise mat and doing some stretching and core exercises, then I'll walk or do some other cardio.

Generous fluids. Calories at 1500 or fewer. Meditation. Affirmations. Movement. Good habits. Freggies galore.

It's how we get this boat fully back on course and keep it there.

I pick up my organic coop share today, so I'll be nicely restocked. I need to hit Whole Foods for some grassfed ground beef for hubby's meat sauce for gf pasta and a lot of chicken breasts for the week. And my pasteured organic eggs. :D I eat eggs for breakfast daily, and no, I don't get sick of eggs. I'm my daddy's girl--he loved his eggs. :)

Speaking of edibles: Japanese sweet potato.

That's gonna be my "try something new" mini-challenge item for the Ready for Summer Challenge.  I've had regular sweet potato and the the Cuban/Caribbean version (I have no idea what y'all call it in English) of sweet potato (it's pale). But I've never had the Japanese one, and it's in my coop share. So, might as well go for it. :D It can be my starch serving in a meal this week.

It's been in the share list before, but I didn't have it (avoiding starches like mad then). I sometimes give stuff from my share away, if I don't think we'll eat it. But this time, it's MINE! :)

As a Japanophile...this makes me happy in a weird little way. I think of the little kids growing and selling baked sweet potatoes (I posted a youtube video or pics of this some time back.)  How cute, right?

Okay, I wanted to get this post done to set my focus for the day.

On we go...be well...

"The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term is the indispensable prerequisite for success." 

~~Maxwell Maltz

" For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

~~Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

E2E Challenge Update #12: Same Today as September 17 of Last Year...And Thoughts When the Journey Hits The Rough Spot...

Tanita-San: 182.2 (only .2 down from last week)

Waist: 35 (unchanged from last week)

That's the weight I was on the weigh-in of 9/17/12.

:::roll eyes:::

"The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term is the indispensable prerequisite for success." 

~~Maxwell Maltz

" For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

~~Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

I am clearly NOT delaying gratification. The calories have crept up, though I did rein things in some and it was a week of maintain (minor, mini, not relevant loss).  Hunger is way up, and as a result, I've let more starch and sugars (not SUGAR, but sugars as in fruit) creep in.

So, unless I was too late and Maren will let me know, I added my linkies to the Ready for Summer Challenge. I figure that's two challenges for the next couple weeks--mine and Maren's--to help me focus better. My goals are modest, but doable, so I don't set myself up for crazy expectations while my thyroid is being attended to.

I spazzed on meditating--consistency is just not being my virtue this week--but it's on my agenda to make it a daily thing...stretching and meditation will need to be part of my daily "I'm up and need to get ready for the day" things. I need my mind in a solid place.

I was not great with the book. I did minimal plus support. I was great with fluids, but high with calories (1700 to 1800). I met my exercise minimum goals, which is what probably helped me NOT gain.

This challenge is over in two weeks. The Ready for Summer is for 10 weeks. During this time, I want to really get my mojo back because September 3 is closing in and my desire remains to see 160 lbs on that day. God help me. God help us all as we fight the fight.

And sometimes, a fight it is. When it's really hard (for me the start and then now), it's hard and it requires prioritizing and energy and, really, it's like tackling any major thing--you work at it a lot. When it's easier, it's golden. The habits set in and the body cooperates. Then you find the rough patches. What do you do in the rough patches?

Sometimes, you dehabituate, and I see it starting to happen. I let a bit more starch in. I eat larger servings. I want to put off walking cause I ache. I start to be less automatic with the fluid. 

And that's when you have to rehabituate. I have to remember WHAT I DID and WHY I DID IT when I began and got to the easier place. The actions that led to good habits. I can't get out of good habits and get back into really bad habits.

I have not had junk food. I have not sucked up a bag of candy or chips. I did not have cake at my sister's birthday party. I said no to the pie. I kept away from gluten. I took my own beverages and sugar free choco for a treat.

But I got lazy with portions, with tracking, with the sorts of affirmations that kept me going when it was hard at first.

I must go back to the beginning. When it gets hard: go back to the good habits and thoughts and rituals that made it possible to get into the breezy zone. 

It's the rough patch the proves anyone's mettle. If I am to be one of the 5% (or whatever percent) that succeeds, this rough patch must NOT overcome me. I must overcome it. 

I plan to overcome.

Be well...

E2E Midweek #2: Not Epic, But a Fail

Scale: 183.0
Cravings--have returned in full force (see previous Vlog, and yes, the cravings are now for SALTY stuff. Geez.)

Exercise: Fine. On target with goals so far.
Fluids: Fine.
Support: Been posting some, and met minimum.

Almost missed this update altogether, but looked at clock and realized, "Holy Cow, it's THURSDAY!" I went into a time zone.

It's NOT going well, and I continue to try to flip my switch back to the good spot. But for now, it's &^%& here.

Very frustrated that cravings are back in force.

Okay. I'm out.

Be well.

"The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term is the indispensable prerequisite for success." 

~~Maxwell Maltz

" For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

~~Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

E2E Update #11: &^%$**~!!@ ...and yes, that means REGAIN, and this is the week where I put into action WILLPOWER INSTINCT exercises...okay, the VLOG update finally got YouTubed...here ya go!

After using this spot as a linky placeholder and trying umpteen times to get this VLOG uploaded to YouTube, here it is.

Weight: 182.4
Waist: 35
fluids fine
Exer: Pilates x2, walking x2 (goals not met)
Sleep: variable  Mood: very good, but some lazy days
Support: minimum met. Kept up with some of buddy's blogs.
Book: reading it, starting one of the "I won't" challenges this week and beginning the 5-minute meditation recommended THIS coming week to work the "self control" muscle.

And on we go....happy and healthful new week to all!

"The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term is the indispensable prerequisite for success." 

~~Maxwell Maltz

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~~Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Oh, let's just call yesterday's post the E2E Midweek Update #11, Shall We?(with some more pics, so are you sick of seeing my face yet?)...and a "hug and thanks" to Casey for the Yerba Mate and lil gifts...

It pretty much summed up the week. Weigh-in yesterday was 180.8 and today was 182.0, which makes me roll my eyes at myself at the massive sodium ingestion last night. Now and all I need to add is the quotes. So, just think of this post as adding up to yesterday's  and it sums up my update (midweek).

"The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term is the indispensable prerequisite for success." 

~~Maxwell Maltz

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~~Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

 

Now, I'm off to finish shelling the organic English peas that were in my coop. And I get to try yerba mate for the very first time ever (thanks, Casey!) Paraguayan, no less.

Here, some pics from today:

My "sides" I took with me to the restaurant I
usually hit up after Pilates. Sweetener, coconut water,
supplements, a few small sliced tomatoes (this place
tends to have lousy 'maters), and a sliced organic orange for dessert.

Post-Pilates messy, but happy to be stretched out
and warm-muscled after this weird neck spasm
that hit me yesterday (ouchie) while grooming.

Shelled and unshelled peas...

"Sunshine" souvenir on a Stormy Day:
Gifts from Casey, a sweet Challenger!
Yerba Mate, anyone?

I am not doing as well as I'd hoped by this time of the week. It vexes me that I have this "block"...this setback. But, I plug on. This too will pass...  I am cheered, always, by the kindness of comments and the occasional generosity of fellow fatfighting bloggers who mail cool things to me! Besitos!*

Be well...

*"lil kisses" in Spanish

E2E Update #10: And things still suck...so let's call this "recommitment week"

Tanita-san: 181.8
Waist: 34.75

Up from last Sunday, down from a higher number midweek, and, sadly, the trajectory just seems to be up lately. I'm being childish about calories (eating around 1900). I seem to just not have the drive to be as controlled as I need to be.

I crashed yesterday after several not good or not enough sleep days in the week. 19 hours straight. Woke up around 4pm today.

No reading the last two days. No exercise since Thursday. Just not in the groove at all.

I always wondered what I'd do when this turn of events came. It always does. I've been reading weight loss blogs for 5 years, so I know that nearly all great losing streaks hit a big wall or big ditch or big something else and the mojo goes away and the weight starts creeping up with the calories and lack of movement. Of course, I have to have a strategy, but I have felt so lacking in focus and desire, that strategy itself is hard to sit down and work out. So, I told myself when I dragged myself out of bed, all sweaty (I'm having some night sweats again, which is part of the sleeping crappy part), that Monday will be strategy day: I'll sit with my books, notes, blog, go back over things, and just try to make this fire blaze again.

But while I have no desire to binge (yet, thank God), I also have no desire to eat tiny, controlled meals. I'm still hit with that, "Can I just not do this today?" mode.

And I know, intellectually, it has to be done. Every day. Today is every day. Or obesity beckons.

My regain is still small. Still in "maintenance" level range of regain. But it's a danger sign. I've seen too many fellow bloggers regain 20 and 30 and 50 pounds before snapping out of it. I want to snap out of it before I'm obese again.

So, that will be my ONLY focAL goal this week. Get my head back in the good place to do the things that need to be done. This has to be recommitment week. I suspect this is one of those do-or-die moments all dieters face. Do it...or it will be a huge slide back.

The others goals, of course, for the week wouldn't change. But if I can't find the fire, I won't meet them or come close. Not a chance. It starts inside. It's best to fight this with the small regain than the big one.

It sucks. The times when the will is stronger are so much better. But, this is life. You come the wall and find a way to get the strength to go over it...

We all face those at times, and we must choose NOT to go back to old ways and lose all the good that has been gained. I will not be one of those bloggers who sees regain, gets discouraged, stops blogging, stops trying, disappears from sight.

I fight on, and it's always a fight against something IN ME.

I hope YOU are on fire and doing well. Get as strong as you can, cause YOUR wall will come...and you will have to scale it or ...well, you know the end of THAT story.

I'm going for the happy ending!

This past week:

Minimal reading.
Fluids fine.
Exercise: long walking x2, Pilatsx1, dancing x1, short walk x1
Calories: 1900 average daily
Mood: fluctuating, but mostly okay
Sleep: crappy
Support: I exceeded the minimum. I visited buddy's blogs for nearly all posts and commented. She's getting slim!

"The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term is the indispensable prerequisite for success." 

~~Maxwell Maltz

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~~Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

E2E Midweek Update #10: Totally sucking here...

After a couple of good days, it went downhill. Poor sleep. Munchies. Eating extra meals. Calories hovering at 1800 to 1900. Scale is scarily at 182.2.

I thought my mojo would be HIGHER as the week progressed, but I'm finding that rejiggering the macros for my thyroid's health is making me hungry. Not binge-hunger, but hungry. Too hungry. It's vexing me.

I am so not happy about this turn of events. And for me, Friday needs to be about pulling myself together, cause the weekend always presents temptations. Usually, I do fine. But I have no confidence right now that I'd be a paragon of strength on Saturday.

I always knew these bad times would come after so much of 'good breezy times" in 2010 and especially 2011. But I must buck up, pray, read, whatever it takes to find the breeze again.

For now, it's been me not as in control as I want to be or need to be. It's just been a couple of really "I wanna eat more" days...sucks.

Sucks big.

But I will work on the mental and emo stuff to get me back to basics. I'm fine with fluids. Not as fine with the walking due to some rainy days. Did Pilates today, and I got lightheaded at one point, but otherwise did well. I have dark circles from the poor sleep, and I suspect the increased hunger is also about that. Bad sleep has always meant "scale up" and "hunger up" for me.

If I can sleep well and find my groove again, I will be a very happy Princess.

Well, sorry for the downer of an update. There it is.

It will be better. I always believe that. :D

Nite...

"The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term is the indispensable prerequisite for success." 

~~Maxwell Maltz

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~~Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

E2E Challenge Update #9: Working on not getting frustrated, for real, and focusing on the joy of "the now" and the DRESSES. (with pics)

Today:
Tanita-san: 180.2
Waist: 34.75

Last Sunday:
Tanita-san: 181.4
Waist: 35

This should be happy for me, cause it's 1.2 less than the last update. But I'm just passing down old territory where I've passed up and down, and up and down, for months. It's not virgin territory until 177.2. That's the number that says, "Oh, we're moving again."

I was lower in the week (as my Vlogs attest) so it's particularly frustrating.

Fluids: fine
Exercise: completed strengthening goals. Fell short on cardio goals.
Mood: improved. Sleep, too.
Support: I exceeded the minimum. :) I've kept in bloggy contact with my challenge buddy, too.
Dress: Not time to try again.
Book: Only been reading WILLPOWER INSTINCT from the ones I'm doing for challenge. At this point, I need to engage my brain to break through this maintenance thing I have going that my body is loving. I keep the faith that normalizing my thyroid will be the thing to change up this game...but I know in the meantime, I have to not get so frustrated I do stupid food things. And I have been known to do stupid food things if I start to lose heart. So, no heart-losing.

Sometimes, you just have to be happy at your progress and not obsess over future progress. I've come to realize this. That enjoying THIS part of the journey is not a sin. Being here is not bad. Yes, I want to be in a lower number. Very much so. But not so much that I have that burning for it, like when I was over 200 or even just over the "obese" line, and had this mighty impetus to get off high blood pressure pills, not get diabetes, improve mobility (which being obese, mobility stucks), and saving what was left of my lower extremity joints from the abuse of such weight....

Now, it's about improving health MORE and that bit of the vanity that wants to look slimmer, though, at my age, a "hot dish" is not something I can be. But I do find a huge satisfaction in wearing dresses again (which for a nearly a couple decades had been a no-go).

I think if there is ONE thing that will help me maintain my loss, other than those health issues that were my main driving force to lose...it's how happy I feel wearing dresses again. You have NO idea how ridiculously giddy I get putting on a dress and working the girly mojo. I used to mostly exclusively wear skirts and dresses back in the day...and when i worked. But since I'm an apple/avocado type, when I got big, dresses made me feel like one big weird huge ball of fabric. And with my ankles getting huge, I didn't like my legs sticking out of skirts or dresses. So, I defaulted to pants. STRETCH PANTS, as fat apple types have a hard time with jeans/zippered pants.

But looking nice again in dresses is PRICELESS. I didn't even envision this as being one of the more satisfying parts of this journey, although I did focus on the idea of being able to cross my legs (that was a great day when I could).

But there it is: The joy of the dress.

And here's the dress I wore to that post resort dinner last Sunday:

I love wrap dresses, but I need a contrast
color to define the waist better. I actually LOOKED
slimmer than in the pic, believe it or not.

Legs look good, right? Though this
posture is dorky.

Exercise made my legs (aside from the awful sagging skin on the thighs) look shapelier and good, so dresses...bring them on! I have ankles again and from the knee down, my legs rock.

Anyway, focus on what is good NOW about what you've done for yourself when the times when losing is extra hard or frustrating takes hold. You made progress. Enjoy it. Celebrate it. Hold onto it until the next phase blooms. Enjoy the NOW in the journey, and look forward to the THEN, which is so different from the WHAT WAS.

One day, these daily joys, that are novel NOW, may be what helps you maintain when the hunger monsters return.

Always find the thing to celebrate.

And be well...

E2E Challenge: Midweek Update #9 --VLOG edition

I had had a lot of coffee, as you will soon see! Music in background: IONA, my fave Christian fusion music band. I had gotten back from Pilates and had to redo my update, as the one I did originally yesterday would NOT upload to Youtube. Dunno why. I'm a teeny bit wheezy (the darn mango blossoms get to me).

Here we go:

"The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term is the indispensable prerequisite for success." 

~Maxwell Maltz

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

~Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

I gots a "pink" mood for my walk...and if you're in E2E, remember your movement goals....(another VLOG...much shorter this time)

Note: I ended up walking 36 minutes. YAY! I looked at my watch when I felt the joints ease and pain stop and it was the 12 minute mark. About 6 minutes more than usual...but hey, it's so good when you can hit your stride some. Make sure to LOOK UP if you have clear skies. Planets and the moon. Nice!

Be well...

E2E Challenge Update #8: The UPs and Downs of Birthday Week....but there is light...

Note: Placeholding for update as I'm rushing. We have to drive about an hour north to meet up with some friends of my hubby's family at a super-posh resort, and I'm stressing about hair, nails, dress, knees, pain, etc. I'm so not a posh person, and I'm mildly freaking about "Will I screw up dinner table etiquette?" Sigh.... Will complete update tomorrow...

Tanita-San:181.4
Waist: 35

Both up some from last week...with no big surprise. I went mildly wild on my birthday and ate more overall in the last week. Part of it was no doubt comfort eating. Part of it was that once you let go...well, in my experince, once *I* let go....reining in is hugely more difficult. Ongoing self-control just tends to make for easier living than loosening the reins and then trying to scale back. Might be different for you, but I have noticed this in some research on overeating and in some bloggers, who just can't seem to get it together for weeks (or more) after a vacation or binge or going off plan.

I will say that the combo of meds, fighting spirit, prayer...it's starting to work. Today, I still felt a bit wonky, but I also felt the rising tide. Energy seemed closer to normal than it has been for WEEKS. Pain in the shoulders, elbows and feet was markedly decreased, while the knees are a bit more stable, though still painful. Hips in certain positions make their displeasure known, so stretching has become super-essential.

Fluids: mostly fine. Didn't drink enough on birthday.

Calories: pretty crappy. About 2500 on birthday (and remember, I regain at around 1700), and pretty much at 1600-1800, up and down, all week. Not good. Not good. But getting better. The wild cravings that birthday weekend provoked are subsiding. And that feels good.

The improvement in energy meant I could post a bit more and comment supportively a bit more. I surpassed the challenge minimum.

Mood: improving. I laugh more. I feel lighter. I can only be grateful that the threat of depression, another real episode, was just that--a threat. (Knock wood.)

I read a bit of my willpower book, and I like the anatomy/physiolog part as how it relates to the "I want", "I will", "I won't" functions. I think once I get into the more pragmatic applications, my mojo will rise, too. As it is, today is the first day in weeks that I felt like my motivation to resume this journey is coming back. And that is a huge relief. Apathy sucks. No question about that.

And my toes are red again. :D Good sign...

And the quotes for this challenge:

"The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term is the indispensable prerequisite for success." 

~Maxwell Maltz

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

~Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

E2E Midweek Update #8: A long and about-all-sorts-of stuff post....including~~~When "Not Red"= "Blue"; a middle of the night crisis; and just looking for the way through, cause I've been lower and I know there's a way up...plus a bunch of pics cause I gots a new iPhone for Birthday!..and can floral prints and red lipstick and Free Jazz jolt me out the dark?

The word which God has written on the brow of every man is Hope.

VICTOR HUGO, Les Misérables

I'm in recovery mode in a lot of ways.

1. Ate way more than I planned to or wanted to at my birthday party. Unlike last year, I had double servings. In all, I ended up at around 2600 calories.

2. I have hit the salty stuff again. Been craving feta and olives. Yeah...

3. Am still in all-over joint pain, and am angry about it.

4. Just am angry in general and feeling really betrayed by my body --again, since this is an old story with me and my defective body. I first wanted to kill myself when I was 9, and I hated my sickly body then. Today, I'm fighting the hate...again.

Tanita-san was 183.4 after my birthday. It's 181.6 today.

And last night, I think I hit a crisis in all this. Like at 2:30 in the AM, in bed, I had this passing, lightly voiced though: "I wish I could close my eyes and not open them again."

It startled me into wakefulness and I jostled hubby to talk. (poor dear man)  He prayed over me, we talked. I was able to sleep after that, but I felt sad. I felt like the wonderful, happy, energetic, motivated, cheery, "getting healthy" me was just evaporating and the old crap depressed, unmotivated, apathetic, self-hating me was reimposiging. Like when You see one body fade out in Star Trek and another fade in the transporter. I felt this overwhelming fear of getting older and sicker and all this work being for naught.

I fear that it's a losing a battle.

Then I try to rah-rah myself out of those thoughts.

Then they come back.

Pom-poms. Dark thoughts. Forced smile. Dark thoughts....

I have this Jekyll/Hyde thing going on. I work myself up into some motivation, but then it fades and I mope around wanting to do nothing. I tell myself I'm gonna get better, then the pain in my body and the lack of vim reminds me that even with all the sacrifices, hard work, costly foods, costly trainer, when it comes down to it, I'm defective, and my body will turn around and whack me on the head when I least expect it. Betrayal. I'm sick of that shit.

And then I get angry again.

Anyway, today, instead of dragging and moping out of bed, I turned on the radio when the alarm went off. I put on a Christian show and forced myself to focus on positive, healing things. I stayed in bed for an hour, sometimes talking to my body, sometimes begging it to stop hurting and heal up.

I need patience. I need to remember that I've felt WORSE. I've been lower. I think of those much worse off, pray for THEM and feel bad for being so self-absorbed and selfish. But, eventually, nothing brings one's thoughts back to oneself than a body part letting itself be known as malfunctioning.

I figure Lent begins today, and what I want to give up for Lent is the pattern of self-absorbed self-pity. To acquire patience and wait until my thyroid normalizes. If the pains remain, then know it's time to see the rheumatologist. To accept that aging brings this crap to many of us, and I'm no exception. To know it would be worse had I not done what I've done for 1 1/2 years--the right stuff.

I have not lost hope. But I feel this ugly slide that seems beyond my control, the body doing stuff to the mind. Happens.

So, yeah, back to routine. I can't walk or exercise like I had been, so I just find what I CAN do--even if it's finding that chair exercise show/DVD. Even if it's taking "marching in place" breaks when I'm on the puter. Even if it's isometric. Even if it's just arm stuff when I'm watching tv. Something. Push the apathy aside and do it for my good.

I'm gonna try to figure out how to Vlog, as I think maybe trying something new will be helpful. I'm sure I'm not videogenic, and this is a bit anxiety-provoking for me, the gal who always used to avoid cameras (had no photographer at my wedding, for instance). But, I got an iPhone for my birthday (lost my old phone the day before, so the timing was great), and I might as well learn to use it for blogging and self-development. :D


Some of the first pics taken with my camera:

This is the actual initial photo:

Decaf and water before food,
and you can see I didn't really fix up my hair!

We ended at a diner that's open late, since we got out of the mall just after 10pm with my new phone. They have a huge, multi-laminated-page menu, but I flipped right to the salad page, which is across from the low-carb page:

I had the "Greek" with chicken...

Just took some new pics:

I had my typical breakfast, and was grateful to have it and enjoy it and be filled by it. (yep, thankfulness is part of my "rehab"). I'm doing this update as I drink my second cup o' joe...and now it's time for vitamins:

Yummy java is gone, watermelon
and vitamins to go!

 As I sit here typing, uploading, sipping, I'm looking at my feet and they are like a the visual objective correlative" to my emo-state:

Unpedicured: A bad sign!

 Here's the deal: Anyone who has read my blogs for years and has seen pics of my weigh-in feet or feet in general knows I always have pedicured feet. Red or pinky red or warm orangey reds or deep burgundies, but usually a pretty red. Siren red being my fave types. Rich, deep, sexy reds.

Those toes have no red. My toes have been UNred for nearly two weeks. This hasn't happened in years. Seriously, the only time my nekkid toenails see the light of day is the hour or so it takes to take off polish, cut, file, buff, neaten cuticles, etc, before the next layering of polish goes on. Naked toenails says A LOT about how I've been feeling.

Not red = blue.

Red is my happy color. I've used my red bags and shoes more lately to try to cheer myself up, but I haven't mustered up the energy to do my toes (I do my own feet.) It makes me sad to see naked toes. I need to get to it...who knows? Might help. Red toes = joy.

I do still put red on my lips. Some of my birthday splurge haul:

One of these things is not like the others...
L'Absolu NOT!

Yeah, I got some red lippies. A couple of Nars glosses, a Lancome L'Absolu Nu lipstick in "Red Chiffon" and a cheapo one--a Revlon "Just Bitten" lipstain with balm from the drugstore-- in "Flame".

I can't wear eye makeup (allergies), so I tend to go nuts with lipstick and blushers. And I love red variations--more than coppers, browns, plums, mauves, pinks, corals, oranges, peaches. I love red! And I look good in red. :D  The Nars run $25 each and the Lancome is $29, so these are PRICEY!!!!!!!!!!!!  I got two of my very fave Nars glossses (Misbehave, Scandal). Because I was made so happy by the Lancome Rouge Absolute that I got for Christmas (I posted a pic back then), I decided to try this somewhat cooler and a lot sheerer red in the new line.

Sucks. Sucks bad. My perfectly smooth, spoiled with care lips began cracking and peeling within hours. Yeah, thanks...$29 bucks for an allergic reaction.

I searched online and saw a few comments from other reviewers that this particular lipstick (line?) caused dryness and reactions. So, I recommend if you even considered this crazy expensive lippie: STAY WAY. Repeat after me, "L'Absolutely NOT!"

Get the Rouge Absolute if you want a great, creamy, beautiful, sexy red. :D

I'm returning it to Sephora. First return EVER to that store. This lipstick sucked.

Oh, and on a note for previous update: I tried on the dress Sunday, but hubby and I were rushing to leave for my party and no pics got taken. But no progress, obviously, and a little retrograde movement, as the zipper went higher than first pic on the initial E2E post, but lower than second pic I took a couple weeks back. Which makes sense as I had gone UP some onTanita-San....

I wish I had taken birthday pics. Sigh. None to share.

The Dress, Not Me..

I had a beautiful, girly, Nine West floral dress that was really loose at size 16 (my challenge dress is a too snug on top Nine West size 14). I got lots of compliments and my BIL said I was looking like a teenager again. (Mad exaggeration, but I think after decades of seeing me hiding in black and navy, seeing me in a bright, bright summer dress with red flats --knees and toe wouldn't let me wear the red heels I'd originally planned--and red beads must have been eye-shocking to him.)

It was an intentional strategy to work on "upping" my mood. I went in a blaze of glory of colors....my lips were so shiny, planes may have been diverted by accident by the startling reflection.

Well, it helped. Never underestimate the power of color. For a while, it was cheering.

So, a long and sort of episodic update. Things are not good. Things will get better.

I don't necessarily plan to update a lot, or visit blogs much--sorry!-- so I wanted to make sure to have my say in this one. I want to spend more time meditating and reading Scripture and praying and looking at the stars and enjoying the explosion of flowers in my garden and just remembering to HOPE and BELIEVE that this, too, shall pass.

Because nothing is worse than giving in to the dark.

Light ....light is where it's at.

Okay, I'm off to have more water and shower and be presentable to get my organic goodies. And if my energy holds out, hubby has offered to take me to a newish local spot for "out of the ordinary" performers to see...

Him:

and them, too.


"Free Jazz". It's an experience and not the general "cuppa tea". But hubby and I did the jazz concert thing a lot in our dating and newlywed days. I have mighty romantic associations with Jaco Pastorius, Chick Correa, Larry Carlton, Gato Barbieri, Jeff Lorber with Kenny G, Paco de Lucia, et al.

If my energy is up for it--it's until 11:30 pm and it is a worknight for my tootsie--it might be something to help with this tide-turning endeavor of mine. Who knows what odd "free" sounds might do to the chemicals and the brain, yes? Vibrations are mighty things..and music is potent stuff.

Okay, peace out. :)

Be well...I'm working on it....

And the quotes for this challenge:

"The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term is the indispensable prerequisite for success." 

~Maxwell Maltz

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

~Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

E2E Challenge Update #7: Halfway Point, Backward Movement, and Yeah, I'm Ticked At Myself...The "Midway Pic"

Tanita-San: 180.6
Last Week: 178.4

Waist: Same as last week= 34.75

That is an uptick of 2.2 lbs, and puts me back to where I was a month ago.

Just to show the math is not as super neat as one may imagine, I have eaten this week roughly 500 calories more than my limit goal of 1500...roughly 2000. (Some days a bit over, some days under). I have NOT been disciplined, neither have I binged. I've been dipping into apathy about containment of portions, and it shows.

An extra 500 calories is ridiculously easy to do if it's calorically dense food--an extra tablespoon of dressing , some nuts, a couple extra servings of fruit, and a protein bar one day: voila!  Or a couple of wedges of cheese, an extra yogurt/fruit snack, a couple boiled eggs. Although the blow-out was the Valentine's Day Godiva choco-strawberries. I have no idea the calorie count, though I went to the Godiva site and saw some estimates on calorie trackers. One woman had 40 calories, which is nuts. NUTS.

I figured 200 to 250 per strawberry, and I had FOUR. I did cut back on my meals knowing I was gonna have at least ONE....but there you go. Avoidance would have been better than moderation in this case. For sure.

Anyway, I used the higher count and went with 1000 cals of the things. If it's less great. I have no real guide. But anyone estimating 50 or 100 is probably really optimistic out there. Or deluded, maybe.

The math says I ought to have gained about a pound...um, yeah.

I didn't meet my goals this week, period. Not caloric. I missed 2 walking sessions (yes, the lethargy won this week.)  I even missed fluids a couple days. I posted on my buddy's posts (did I miss any?), and went above the minimum for the challenge with support overall, but really, haven't been as much of a cheerleader overall as I could.  Didn't even dive into the books for help. I'm just...not "head in the game." Please feel free to rah-rah and kick my ass. THANKS.

I'm getting dressed for my birthday party, so I'll add the pics and whatever later.

Quotes, where I ignore the first and hang on like a gal in rising waters to the second:

"The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term is the indispensable prerequisite for success." 

~Maxwell Maltz

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

~Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)