E2E Challenge Update #7: Halfway Point, Backward Movement, and Yeah, I'm Ticked At Myself...The "Midway Pic"

Tanita-San: 180.6
Last Week: 178.4

Waist: Same as last week= 34.75

That is an uptick of 2.2 lbs, and puts me back to where I was a month ago.

Just to show the math is not as super neat as one may imagine, I have eaten this week roughly 500 calories more than my limit goal of 1500...roughly 2000. (Some days a bit over, some days under). I have NOT been disciplined, neither have I binged. I've been dipping into apathy about containment of portions, and it shows.

An extra 500 calories is ridiculously easy to do if it's calorically dense food--an extra tablespoon of dressing , some nuts, a couple extra servings of fruit, and a protein bar one day: voila!  Or a couple of wedges of cheese, an extra yogurt/fruit snack, a couple boiled eggs. Although the blow-out was the Valentine's Day Godiva choco-strawberries. I have no idea the calorie count, though I went to the Godiva site and saw some estimates on calorie trackers. One woman had 40 calories, which is nuts. NUTS.

I figured 200 to 250 per strawberry, and I had FOUR. I did cut back on my meals knowing I was gonna have at least ONE....but there you go. Avoidance would have been better than moderation in this case. For sure.

Anyway, I used the higher count and went with 1000 cals of the things. If it's less great. I have no real guide. But anyone estimating 50 or 100 is probably really optimistic out there. Or deluded, maybe.

The math says I ought to have gained about a pound...um, yeah.

I didn't meet my goals this week, period. Not caloric. I missed 2 walking sessions (yes, the lethargy won this week.)  I even missed fluids a couple days. I posted on my buddy's posts (did I miss any?), and went above the minimum for the challenge with support overall, but really, haven't been as much of a cheerleader overall as I could.  Didn't even dive into the books for help. I'm just...not "head in the game." Please feel free to rah-rah and kick my ass. THANKS.

I'm getting dressed for my birthday party, so I'll add the pics and whatever later.

Quotes, where I ignore the first and hang on like a gal in rising waters to the second:

"The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term is the indispensable prerequisite for success." 

~Maxwell Maltz

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

~Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Day 6 Spawn of SoDDDY Challenge: The Horrendous Weigh-In and BAck to Goal Level Caloric Intake, Cause Clearly, 1200 Calories Raises My Expectations Too Much and My Inner Dieter is Not as Mature As I Thought...But where I got back on the horse fast, unlike years/decades past...

Scale: 242.6

This is a big uptick, and my first challenge no-loss weigh-in. Worse. Gain weigh-in. (But know this: Yesterday, the scale said 243.0. Yes...even more.)

Interestingly, there was only one Eff-Up meal. ONE. Yes. ONE. Let me just copy and paste from my email to Beth of Obesity Strike blog, that eloquent lovely in BritLand, who was kindly concerned about my blogging absence yesterday. (Not due to any major freaking. I had a family event, and I was gone from shortly after getting up to almost 11 pm, by which time I wanted to lie on the couch and have hubby rub my feet while I tried to make up for not drinking enough water.) Here:

Friday night--I had the delayed freak from the weigh-in and ate an insane amount at dinner. Not insane in quantity--was not stuffed at all. Insane cause somehow the French have a way of concentrating calories. 1.5 cup of a creamy soup, a vegetarian entree that was miniscule, but drenched, clearly, in EVOO and butters. And half of my husband's decadent dessert. I'm guessing 2000 cals, once the breadsticks and bean appetizer are factored in. Scary. I really was very upset by that weigh-in and think I went into "fuck it, I'm eating" mode.

But yesterday, I only messed up on not enough water....

We had a very lovely time at a sublime Christmas concert. We had a wee walk on Miracle Mile in Coral Gables in the cool night. Trees with twinkly lights, people having fun, giggling girls, toddler, old couples. Nice. Lots of smooching at a sidewalk French bistro's for me and hubby between bites/slurps. Very charming and romantic.

But, part of my control, yes, I felt it slip. Then a bit more. I started fine (breakfast and lunch were excellent and left me 500 cals for dinner at 1200). Water was too much for my UTI bladder. We had to duck into a fast food restaurant for me to pee half-way through the drive to the venue. (Ugh, traumatic bathroom experience, nasty)  At Miracle Mile, I had walked past the bistro after seeing a really unsuitable limited menu. Very oil/cream/butter rich stuff. But hubby got stabbed in the brain by a sniff of the goodies and the look of his face was control-slip-number-one.

Okay, I said. We sat. (First big mistake.)

I tried to find stuff I wanted and was not bad. Every soup was creamy or cheesy. I asked the waiter which soup would have the least fat/cream. Fine, bring that one....

Every salad was cheesy or meaty or creamy or oily. No salad as I was having the vegetarian entree, anyway. Yes, the only entree that looked like it might suit--the vegetarian one--was what I ordered, though not exactly what I wanted. I did not order dessert or the nice 3-course offerins (soup/entree/dessert) cause then I'd order dessert.

Little by little, I just felt something in my head start blooming. Control slipping. I ordered decaf. Had three cups. Asked for extra glasses of water.

Well, whatever. As described in my email excerpt: diet fail.

Yesterday, I was gone all day. I knew the event (bowling party then home party) would have a trigger food: pizza. I made an egg white scramble with some part-skim mozzarella, fresh basil, chopped tomato and I had a leftover half of a multigrain bagel, scooped out, that I added some of the chopped tomato, some of the 1/4 cup I used of mozzarella, some basil, some garlic, and tried to give myself the diet-pizza vibe without the pizza calories. To satiate my mouth a bit with flavors, so I could resist.

I did. I had NONE Of the two pizzas. I took an apple, two slices reduced cheese and a snack bag of high-fiber, low-cal crackers. That was my lunch, with water and decaf. Good thing, as this bowling alley has NOT ONE diet-friendly item on the menu. NOT ONE. Not one salad. Everything is a diet bomb: burgers, fries, hot dogs, pizza, chicken tenders, nachos.

I bowled 2 hours non-stop (I took two spots on the roster so I kept moving). And I never sat down for 2 hours. My family kept asking me to sit down between turns, and I said, no, burn more calories standing up.  I jumped around. I danced with the kids.

The family then moved to brother's home for the dinner/cake part of the festivities. I pit-stopped at a nearby Japanese place and got vegetable sushi, steamed gyoza, salad and green tea to go. (Hubby got chicken teriyaki and brown rice, so I had the grilled veggies he didn't like: zucchini, onions.)  I had no cake. Instead, 2 strawberries dipped in fat-free whipped cream (niece is dieting, hence the option). Then I picked up a clave and my brother the maracas we had a mini pachanga, singing to Christmas carols to a salsa beat while dancing and making noise. (Family tradition: for Nochebuena, we take bags full of percussion instruments and just jam and dance and make a happy, celebratory noise to salsa tunes.)

Played scrabble. Had ONE chocolate kiss. Went home. Drank coconut water and regular water. Watched anime a bit with hubby. Dozed off on couch.

Today, I finally had a breather to consider Friday's debacle at dinner. I really do think that not seeing any loss after such a controlled eating, lower calorie week hurt me internally more than I had even realized. It really put me close to an all-out binge.

(Believe it or not, those 2000 or so calories was not even CLOSE to a binge. My stomach was not stuffed in the least. It was a small amount of very concentrated fatty calories. The veggie plate was, literally, 1 portabello mushroom cap, 1/4 cup spinach which I shared with hubby, 1 artichoke heart, 1/4 cup wild rice, and one tablespoon each of beet coulis, red pepper coulis, sweet potato whipped, yukon potato whipped with anise or fennel. That's it. I could have held most of it in the palm of my hand. hahahah. It all tasted primo, very nicely done, but miniature servings.)

I'm going back to more "goal weight" level. I can take disappointing losses if I eat that way. If I eat at 1200 and don't get significant drops (2+ pounds) a week, I will freak. I saw a small gain afer eating at an average of about 1300 cals a day. I did not handle it well at all, it seems. I thought I was okay. I was not.

My inner dieter is apparently 13 years old.

242.6

Dang. I don't care that most is bloat. I don't care. I hate that number.

It was hard emailing Allan with a GAIN. (Ugh) So, reset button, fresh week, fresh start.

Onward, with hope and resolve:

Food Log:

Breakfast:
1/2 cup egg whites made into omelette withorganic goodies: 1.5 oz feta, 1 cup chopped tomatoes , 1/2 cup chopped red bell peppers, 1/2 cup strips of Cubanelle peppers, fresh oregano, dried oregano, salt, pepper.
1/2 teaspoon of olive oil that I smeared on non-stick pan
1/2, scooped, multigrain bagel with 1 tbsp organic neufchatel and 2 tsp Dalfour Four Fruits spread
2 cups coffee
6 glasses water
calories: 443
fluids: 64 oz

Face The Truth Fridays: More than a Half a Pound Up, But Fit Into Goal Jeans and Waist is 1/4 inch less. Huh?

695 days, 5 hours, and 93.2 pounds to go...

253.2

Yep. It went UP.

As I expected. As I posted that I expected.

Still sucks.

That's 3/5ths of a pound more than last Friday.

The truth I'm facing: I am letting portions go up. I am not saying no as often as I should. I let some of the worst carbs creep back in (white rice, white crackers). I restrained myself--I really, really did. No bingeing. No insane portions. Just...too much to adequately bring loss.

It was laziness. It was losing focus.

I'm facing another truth: I don't understand my body this week. While washing my face this am, and seeing a clear view of my nekkid and just-woke -up self, I looked thinner. In my middle. I was staring at my torso and thinking, okay, something has gone down here.

But Mr. Tanita says otherwise. (ie, my brand of scale)

But what I wore yesterday neeners the scale.

So, I got the tape measure.

While I'm up 3/5ths of a pound, my waist is down 1/4 inch. This jibes with yesterday's wardrobe.  I finally fit in my goal jeans and wore them out yesterday--with red shoes and a red tank top and red lipstick and red nail polish to celebrate the NSV. Felt great to zip them up, button the two buttons, and see that they fit perfectly. Size 22. At my highest, I wore sizes 28-30. So...

WTF? I'm up on the scale but into the goal jeans. And the waist is a tad tad smaller. And I can SEE my naked body has shifted some.

I get an idea. I go get a nightie I bought that didn't fit. (I have bought so many goal jeans, nighties, and dresses, it's not funny. And usually never made it into them in time to enjoy them while in style. Now, I only buy classics as "goal clothing".)

It fits. I'm wearing it as I type. Looks good. Hubby says it looks good.

Huh.

One clue may be from my training session. I felt strong yesterday. Stronger than usual. I got asked by two men if I needed help carrying my huge box of fruits and veggies from the coop. I thanked them and shooed them off. 'No, thanks. I'm strong.' And I was.

I had no problems with the heavy box, AND my heavy shoulder bag.

My trainer commented on how my strength and stamina are up.

So, maybe it's the muscle-fat thing. Maybe some muscle has switched places with some fat.

I know I didn't eat enough to gain even one pound. I ate enough salt to gain 5 pounds, sure, but I didn't. (I suspect yesterday's treasure trove of veggies and fruit supplied potassium to balance that a bit.)

So, whatever. I did NOT meet goal. I am behind schedule. Not acceptable.

I have gotten lax again, and I did not continue reading my motivational materials (the books on change and such), and I caved to cravings here and there .

I remember spending years in the 270's, futzing up and down. I don't intend to do that in the 250's. I haven't been here long, and I don't plan to be. Fewer than four pounds are keeping me from leaving this "decade". I won't be defeated by them.

And in fewer than 8 pounds, I can leave the "morbidly obese" category.

I've also faced another truth even more soundly: I can change my habits. And by doing that change "our" habits (hubby's and mine).

Hubby and I normally go out and eat up the town on his days off (he's off today, he's off Monday, yay! Boinkarama calorie burnoff time!) If I had said, "Let's go out for Italian" or Mexican or whatever, we would have been out there, scarfing. I'm the one who reads up reviews and suggests new places. So, if I only choose healthful places with good choices, I affect both our healths. I affect our weights. (Hubby is only mildly pudgy (as you can see in his pic in a previous post) while I am a barn.)

I seriously looked at him for a second, thinking, yes, I can get him to go out for bagels and omelettes. I quickly knocked that down. I'm talking a matter of 5 seconds and my inner rational dieter said: "No. Go make him something lean and healthful and go make your own meal, too."

I did just that. I made him lean turkey fricasse over some rice and peas (he loves rice) with a fresh apple, and I had my low-carb breakfast with coffee. I had some papaya with lime for 1. taste 2. enzymes 3. nutrients 4. anti-bloat potassium and 5. its color makes me happy.

We were both satisfied and we both did our bodies a service by not overeating.

And we saved moolah.

So, the truth is, eating less means I spend less, and that's money I can use for something healthier for me (paying my trainer, buying my vitamins, saving for retirement).

Truths: I gained weight. I failed the Prime Directive Goal. But I met other goals--fitting in those black jeans, saying no to some temptations, wearing this nightie with comfort-- and had behavior modification victories that tell me I am changing.. I'm very pleased with the latter items--very--while sad about the first. No, not sad. Mad. Mad at me.

Can one be glad and mad at the same time? Yeah, looks like it. :)

But next week, I plan to be very pleased with myself. So...there it is. Truth.