A week that was all over the place. Some excellent choices, then some bad choices, then some great meals, then some bad meals. Reading to get my good-choice frame of mind in consistent gear. Some praying.
But, really, the decisions were mine, and I chose poorly too often to say this was a winning week.
It's interesting how one can be going along, feeling fine, feeling in control, cooking stuff up properly, watching portions, then, bam, that goes to hell with one self-indulgent choice. The streak ends.
I'm fascinated how I undermine that. I know that I've felt worried and fragile a lot. Worrying about bills and the future and such. Dishing out nearly 7K for property insurance and seeing the checkbook dive, well, that sort of made me wanna dive into the nearest bakery or pizza shop. I went to neither, but I WANTED to.
The OLD ME that binged and relied on food for comfort and joy and hardly took 1000 steps a day, she is still alive and warring with NEW ME, that made sound food choices and got her butt into exercising.
It was years and years of study and work to build up a NEW ME. It felt so good. I was hoping the OLD ME might just go off and die on an ice float or something. I intend for new me to win. But old me is very, very strong. VERY. The anxieties and desire for the brain-hit of comfort.
Anyway, this past week saw me RE-ENTER OBESE ZONE. Yes, I crossed that DREAD BOUNDARY of 185. One weigh in was 185.8. Thursday's. By Sunday, the official weigh-in (listed on my sidebar), it wa back to 183.2. That high weight was partially stoked by tamago and asparagus sushi dipped in super-salty tamari. And the miso dressing. But seeing that number scared me.
And the 170s, which I inhabited for a nice spell and even saw the bottom of, well, that seems so far away AGAIN.
I am also royally ticked off at the doc for reducing my Levoxyl. Ever since she did that, weight has crept up, appetite got up, sleep increased, and I have two vexing new bald spots. It just adds insult to injury. I was already struggling with keeping weight down before she did that. This anger, I do not need.
I find that I'm really sodium-sensitive this month, moreso than usual, the fluctuations, and that might be the thyroid status. No idea. But it's kinda weird. I'm normally not a hoarder. When I had a period, I'd easily go up 4 pounds during the days prior to blast-off, but that was a normal monthly thing, and it would be gone after, so you got used to it.
Anyway, the fight is on here. New Me vs Old Me, and it's fierce. This is the crux. THIS IS WHERE RE GAIN hits the road and become monstruous if not caught and managed. I feel it. I feel that this is where the war is lost or won, this sort of situation where the Old Overeater wants back in, tired of exile. Where the New Me is tired of vigilance and is overcome some days with neurotic thoughts and anxiety attacks. Where food looks like a good old friend who just wants to make me FEEL good again.
Which is, pardon my bluntness. bullshit.
Food Desire is only my friend if it follows the rules of friendly behavior. If it supports me and doesn't become toxic. If it's a positive force, not a destructive one. The Food Desire that wants "in" now wants in to wreak havoc, not do me good. It's not a friend. I gotta kill it.
That's the deal. Old Me let Food Lust be an enabler and a destroyer. A crutch and a deceiver.
New Me wants food as a partner, to grow and be stronger, not weaker.
I've not surrendered. I'm reading lots of articles on regain. I've highlighted and bookmarked pages in Riley's updated version of BEATING OVEREATING to re-tap into my inner choosing mojo. I've reminded hubby not to be the sweet "whatever you want" guy of the past if I ask for him to get me something destructive. I haven't yet sent him on massive food runs full of crap. The Old Me used to do that--pizza and chocolate cake and enough tacos to choke two horses. So, just in case she shows up, I want him to give me the breathing room of a hesitation and question: "Is that what you really want? Isn't that bad for you?" That's all I need, sometimes. Just to have that moment of stopping, re-deciding.
It's part of taking control, asking, "Is this what you really want? Is this what you choose to have? What are the consequences?"
I have a divided will. Sometimes I answer the question as the New Me: "No, this will subvert my plans for good health. I won't fit into my clothes. I'll feel like a social pariah again."
Sometimes, I answer like the old me. "I don't care. It's what I want now. Consequences be damned, I just want that pleasure NOW."
The devil that is the Old Me is out to get me and make me one of the loser statistics.
I've lost too much. For too long. And it has wrecked parts of my potential and years of my life.
Screw you, devil.
Oh, and yes, I prayed, too.
To those who don't have food issues, well, they won't understand how powerful the lure is. Maybe junkies and sex addicts will get it. But folks who go about and don't self-medicate with food or have old bad habits that grab them back into the pit, they don't get it.
You get it, right?
It's hard.
But we do not give up.
No quitting.
Okay, a new day to get it right. I know all I need is a few weeks of really good days and the new habits reinforce and New Me wins again. For a spell.
I guess this fight goes on for life, as I suspected all along. And it's only easy in periods/stages/phases. Then you put on the armor and go on campaign...again. And again. And as many times as it takes.
Til Kingdom come.
I'll post some of the stuff I gather, cause it helps me. Keeps my head in it. Maybe it will help you. Whether it's for scaring or for encouraging or for illuminating. It helps.
Be well..
Showing posts with label emotional and stress eating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotional and stress eating. Show all posts
Monday, January 21, 2013
Friday, April 27, 2012
Like I didn't have enough stress: The car, the carbs, and the caterwauling....oh, and the VITAMIX!
With the other stuff going on, with my jangled sleep, this I did not need.
What, you ask? Well, my car did some wonky stuff Wednesday evening. Scared the crap outta me. I had to park and call hubby to get the organic goodies in my stead on the way from work. Waited for roadside service to tow it to dealer. Yeah, see me jump around with nerves.
Thursday and today, lots of phone calls, internet research, and near-to-hollering to get a problem fixed that seems to be discussed much for my model/make/year. Spoke to various GM c/s folks (I'm assuming in India, given accents, which is fine, me loves da Indian folks and you can't fault their language skills and courtesy!), and the local service manager, and got assigned to a district representative, as I'm getting heated in the brain as this progresses.
My Bronx gal resurrected after a whole day and a half of polite and informative and patient being on hold, talking to people, explaining over and over the weird malfunction. Being told, "Car is fine."
Excuse me? Fine? Yeah, right.
Basically me going all Bronx Princess: "You are keeping the car until it's fixed. You are going to find the issue. I wil not DIE on the highway cause you won't fix the issue. It's a defect and you need to fix it. FIX THE DAMN CAR! Cause if I die, my hubby is under orders to sue the whole lot of you and be a fabulously wealthy widower!"
Looks like it might get fixed. :D
But I actually just bawled at one point today with hubby--cause, hey, who can you bawl with if not your beloveed?-- which is NOT me, and it's probably cause it was stress upon stress, worry upon worry, and I needed a good bawl since I refused to have a bad binge. It was one or the other. Cry or eat. I cried.
Still, I caved to the starch. Starch sends all those calming chemicals to the brain and all.
The stress led me to hit the rice, the cassava, then the rice again in the last 24 hours. I did NOT binge. I did not surpass 2000 calories, but hey, it's starch and a heckuva a lot of salty stuff with the start (ie, I dumped rice in egg drop soup; I had take-out boiled cassava so salty I think my kidneys screamed).
So, I'm totally afraid to hit the scale. Which I will on Sunday...but er.....er....
I did get more walking done, as without a car, I had to walk to my Pilates session or lose the moolah. (They need 24 hour cancellation and one session is $72, which I was NOT about to toss down the drain!) Session went great. Was hard. And being all warmed up from the walk ended up being a plus. As long as the weather is beautiful (before the big rains and humidity strike in Miami), I may just walk there....
In other news: I got me a VITAMIX. OMG, this sucker is expensive. OMG. Seriously. Expensive.
Still...I am expecting it to last 10+ years.
I got it cause I loved seeing BETH at OBESITY STRIKE --see my blogroll for the link-- do her smoothie and other things in it. It sounded yummy and healthful. So, I invested in it and I hope to learn to make the smoothies, "ice cream", and soups with fruit, veggies, and greens. I'm kinda clunky in the kitchen, so I'll have a bit of a learning curve, but the simple berries and banana smoothies are notably more delicious in this than my old blender. It's just mixed to a wonderful consistency like pro smoothies. Me likey dat a lot.
Well, not so inspiring here with my bawling and starching, but this happens, and we'll get through it. It's funny how I can handle some emergencies--all those awful years when mom and dad were ailing and dying, school stuff, work stuff-- and stressors pretty well, but car trouble...it's always one of my bugaboos. Always has been. I guess cause I know squat about cars so have nothing to actually DO other than call for help.... ; )
Happy weekend to all. Be well.
What, you ask? Well, my car did some wonky stuff Wednesday evening. Scared the crap outta me. I had to park and call hubby to get the organic goodies in my stead on the way from work. Waited for roadside service to tow it to dealer. Yeah, see me jump around with nerves.
Thursday and today, lots of phone calls, internet research, and near-to-hollering to get a problem fixed that seems to be discussed much for my model/make/year. Spoke to various GM c/s folks (I'm assuming in India, given accents, which is fine, me loves da Indian folks and you can't fault their language skills and courtesy!), and the local service manager, and got assigned to a district representative, as I'm getting heated in the brain as this progresses.
My Bronx gal resurrected after a whole day and a half of polite and informative and patient being on hold, talking to people, explaining over and over the weird malfunction. Being told, "Car is fine."
Excuse me? Fine? Yeah, right.
Basically me going all Bronx Princess: "You are keeping the car until it's fixed. You are going to find the issue. I wil not DIE on the highway cause you won't fix the issue. It's a defect and you need to fix it. FIX THE DAMN CAR! Cause if I die, my hubby is under orders to sue the whole lot of you and be a fabulously wealthy widower!"
Looks like it might get fixed. :D
But I actually just bawled at one point today with hubby--cause, hey, who can you bawl with if not your beloveed?-- which is NOT me, and it's probably cause it was stress upon stress, worry upon worry, and I needed a good bawl since I refused to have a bad binge. It was one or the other. Cry or eat. I cried.
Still, I caved to the starch. Starch sends all those calming chemicals to the brain and all.
The stress led me to hit the rice, the cassava, then the rice again in the last 24 hours. I did NOT binge. I did not surpass 2000 calories, but hey, it's starch and a heckuva a lot of salty stuff with the start (ie, I dumped rice in egg drop soup; I had take-out boiled cassava so salty I think my kidneys screamed).
So, I'm totally afraid to hit the scale. Which I will on Sunday...but er.....er....
I did get more walking done, as without a car, I had to walk to my Pilates session or lose the moolah. (They need 24 hour cancellation and one session is $72, which I was NOT about to toss down the drain!) Session went great. Was hard. And being all warmed up from the walk ended up being a plus. As long as the weather is beautiful (before the big rains and humidity strike in Miami), I may just walk there....
In other news: I got me a VITAMIX. OMG, this sucker is expensive. OMG. Seriously. Expensive.
Still...I am expecting it to last 10+ years.
I got it cause I loved seeing BETH at OBESITY STRIKE --see my blogroll for the link-- do her smoothie and other things in it. It sounded yummy and healthful. So, I invested in it and I hope to learn to make the smoothies, "ice cream", and soups with fruit, veggies, and greens. I'm kinda clunky in the kitchen, so I'll have a bit of a learning curve, but the simple berries and banana smoothies are notably more delicious in this than my old blender. It's just mixed to a wonderful consistency like pro smoothies. Me likey dat a lot.
Well, not so inspiring here with my bawling and starching, but this happens, and we'll get through it. It's funny how I can handle some emergencies--all those awful years when mom and dad were ailing and dying, school stuff, work stuff-- and stressors pretty well, but car trouble...it's always one of my bugaboos. Always has been. I guess cause I know squat about cars so have nothing to actually DO other than call for help.... ; )
Happy weekend to all. Be well.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Ready for Summer Challenge Check In #4: I"m late again...I'm hardly budging again...Um...yeah
Okay, the update...
The essentials:
Weight: 179.2
(it was this Sunday, and it's this today)
Waist: 34.75
Last week:
weight: 179.4
waist: 34.75
How I did with goals:
Weight: -0.2 lbs which = maintaining, essentially
Calories: Oh, geesh. Not good. Only two days at goal. Every other day was a bit to more than a bit over. I only had one big setback: a day when I just was hearing chocolate. I had 5 pieces of dried apricots and peaches dipped in chocolate. My bad. Yes, stress makes me want chocolate. I'm surprised I didn't dive face first into a pizza, frankly. Gratefully, I did not. I dove face first into fruit smoothies a few times. Better than pizza.
Exercise: 1 strengthening session with trainer, 3 walks. Missed goals by 1 for each category.
Fluids: Messed up one day. I just flaked that day altogether. I was in just this haze of stress.
NSV: I can't think of anything other than I didn't stuff my face daily with bad crap given I am really in a bad stress place and anticipating some more upheavals (though I'm praying hard that this won't be necessary). Maybe I should feel happier about that--the not binge-ing or freaking with food--glad that I didn't totally go berserk when I feel that agitation rising. Maybe that IS my NSV. That I've eaten pretty normally. No binge or major freakouts.
Hardly been blogging cause I've been doing a lot of online research on stuff (easily 8 hours a day) and I just didn't want to deal. Haven't even been reading my personal email or checking with pals dailly on FB like I was used to. I find when I have to focus intensely on ONE thing, the other things take a backseat. The blog, FB, mail, housework. Um. Ick.
I have no idea what the challenge is for this week, will have to check that with Maren, our challenge leader. I did complete last week's mini-challenge, though. Yay.
Goals for this week:
Frankly, I can't see myself setting anything radical. I hope to achieve good fluids, the original exercise goals (s x 2; c x 4), and not to exceed 1500 cals. If I can maintain this week, I'll be relieved. But yes, I hope to break below 179. I can't really feel confident setting anything high. I'm a wuss.
Maren wants us to set a challenging goal for exercise. Well, because I have a trainer, she always challenges me. Monday, I swear, I was ready to cuss someone out. It was so hard to do the ones on the disc (I kept losing my balance, argh). So, I already have a person who pushes me at least 1, usually 2x a week. On my own, I do more moderate exercise. I pay her to push me. :) So, pretty much, Mondays and Thursdays, I get to be challenged.
I hope my challenge mates are well and making their goals better than I am mine. :D
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Update: on grief, exercise (not), stress eating (not), and what I've come to learn at this point in my journey...with apologies, too
Sorry to have just not been able to blog--or keep up with emails for that matter lately. We have our last evening of prayers (the novena of prayers) tonight. Tomorrow, I take a rest day from driving!
My sister is, as you can imagine, still in a bad way, but having dozens of folks surrounding her and praying with her every evening helps. We had a co-worker of my BIL come and do a short preaching segment on the hope in Christ for those who have lost loved ones (ie, the resurrection hope, hope of reunification in Paradise, etc).
I'm holding on. Have not exercised in 2.5 weeks, but am ready to resume Friday. My schedule will be semi-normal (I will still have a couple hours of driving, things with docs I put off, things with sisters/family.)
My eldest sis (who lost her son) is now exhibiting some disturbing cardiac symptoms (stress can't help). She'd been ill prior to his death--lupus is tentative diagnosis--and now the heart is being affected by the stress. So, well, it's hard.
I held on weight-wise. Got on the scale today: 188.2 No gain. A smidgen loss since this awfulness struck. Yes, fighting cravings is hard some days. Food is still and always will be a comfort lure. But I take my snacks with me where I go, stop in at supermarkets and get fruit and nuts and cold cuts if I have to, and drink my fluids.
And stress has been increased by the big layoffs at hubby's company. He's still there (the first round of dismissals are being done), and I pray he will continue to be employed. This means I have to reassess my Pilates. A bit of belt-tightening can't hurt.
I will say that despite my grief, stress, exercise interruptions, etc, I'm really proud I did not gain a pound. I would have before. I gained nearly 40 pounds the months my mom was dying. I've always gained weight in stressful situations since my teen years. I'm a stress/depression eater. I'm an emo-eater. This time, I used other comforts--hugs, classical music, religious radio programming, praying.
The battle goes on.
I hope that in the coming week I can be here more and regain momentum for some loss. Although, I will be honest, I feel really good where I'm at. If I never lost another pound, but held onto what I have and exercised to keep my muscle, I'd be fine. I really am in a good place weightwise and energywise and I think getting fitter helped me handle this better than I could have morbidly obese and unfit. I thank God I worked hard to get here.
I still want to get to goal (or very close). I think for my health, it's a worthy thing. But I did realize these two weeks that I 'm quite happy at 188, oddly. I thought I'd have to be in the 170s to be fine with my weight, but here I am. Oddly content.
But I still have my goals and I'm not surrendering. I want to discover new things about myself (though having even looser skin is something of a mental impediment, I know).
Anyway, I hope all the Slimmer This Summer Challengers are doing well. Forgive me for not checking up on y'all /commenting. I'll be able to do more next week, as life begins to get to a new, sadder, but more normal place.
Thank you so much, you lovely internet supporters, visitors, and pals, for your condolences. Thank you from my heart.
My sister is, as you can imagine, still in a bad way, but having dozens of folks surrounding her and praying with her every evening helps. We had a co-worker of my BIL come and do a short preaching segment on the hope in Christ for those who have lost loved ones (ie, the resurrection hope, hope of reunification in Paradise, etc).
I'm holding on. Have not exercised in 2.5 weeks, but am ready to resume Friday. My schedule will be semi-normal (I will still have a couple hours of driving, things with docs I put off, things with sisters/family.)
My eldest sis (who lost her son) is now exhibiting some disturbing cardiac symptoms (stress can't help). She'd been ill prior to his death--lupus is tentative diagnosis--and now the heart is being affected by the stress. So, well, it's hard.
I held on weight-wise. Got on the scale today: 188.2 No gain. A smidgen loss since this awfulness struck. Yes, fighting cravings is hard some days. Food is still and always will be a comfort lure. But I take my snacks with me where I go, stop in at supermarkets and get fruit and nuts and cold cuts if I have to, and drink my fluids.
And stress has been increased by the big layoffs at hubby's company. He's still there (the first round of dismissals are being done), and I pray he will continue to be employed. This means I have to reassess my Pilates. A bit of belt-tightening can't hurt.
I will say that despite my grief, stress, exercise interruptions, etc, I'm really proud I did not gain a pound. I would have before. I gained nearly 40 pounds the months my mom was dying. I've always gained weight in stressful situations since my teen years. I'm a stress/depression eater. I'm an emo-eater. This time, I used other comforts--hugs, classical music, religious radio programming, praying.
The battle goes on.
I hope that in the coming week I can be here more and regain momentum for some loss. Although, I will be honest, I feel really good where I'm at. If I never lost another pound, but held onto what I have and exercised to keep my muscle, I'd be fine. I really am in a good place weightwise and energywise and I think getting fitter helped me handle this better than I could have morbidly obese and unfit. I thank God I worked hard to get here.
I still want to get to goal (or very close). I think for my health, it's a worthy thing. But I did realize these two weeks that I 'm quite happy at 188, oddly. I thought I'd have to be in the 170s to be fine with my weight, but here I am. Oddly content.
But I still have my goals and I'm not surrendering. I want to discover new things about myself (though having even looser skin is something of a mental impediment, I know).
Anyway, I hope all the Slimmer This Summer Challengers are doing well. Forgive me for not checking up on y'all /commenting. I'll be able to do more next week, as life begins to get to a new, sadder, but more normal place.
Thank you so much, you lovely internet supporters, visitors, and pals, for your condolences. Thank you from my heart.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Not Emo-Eating Despite Stress and Mood Blips this Week, because Food is not the Fix...
First, THANK YOU for celebrating with me on my last two milestones. I appreciate the kind thoughts and words and whoops!!!!!! Muah!
Onto our regularly scheduled post:
My joyous mood has taken a dive since yesterday. It's a couple of stressors that hit--one that may be life-changing in ways I cannot even calculate right now--but I have not gone off on a food bender. Calories for Sunday (1150) and Monday (1280) have been fine. But as soon as the mood cloud passed over Monday evening, I had these incipient thoughts of trigger foods, and it took a good 20 minutes of concerted effort to fight them off.
Then I stayed in the blue zone, but did not go to any old comfort eating habits. All along, it was simply a mantra in the back of my mind, like a soundtrack on low volume, "Food is not the fix. Food is not the fix. Food is not the fix. ..."
Cause unless it's a nutritional deficiency or legitimate hunger, food is NOT the fix. That's the only thing food solves: you need nutrients, you need energy. That's it.
We use food for a lot of non-food stuff--celebrations, comfort, stress relief, erotic satisfaction, self-punishment, etc.
But unless you have anemia, scurvy, Kwashiorkor, hypoglycemia, or haven't consumed enough calories to maintain your normal/healthy weight and meet your nutritional basics, you don't need to eat.
Food is not the fix except for those things which food actually fixes.
So, I haven't been diving into the false fix for my mood/stress issue. I've been trying to not skimp on good rest. I've been praying. I've been reciting affirmations for positive outlook. I've been working in non-caloric ways to handle the stress.
The mess that is this allergy season is also adding to this, no doubt. My eyes itch nearly constantly and the heat rash is cropping up on my legs now. But food can't fix that, although I can add vitamin-C rich foods and quercetin-rich apples more frequently into my diet to help with that. It can't fix my hyperreactive immune system or what is in the air out in Miami. I can take Vit C and Quercetin in supplements and bypass the calories, also. So, again, food is not the FIX (though, granted, eating healthfully can HELP).
I want my happy happy joy back. It's been a good year, mood-wise, very good. Golden.
But this is life. Ups and downs. So, all a chronic overeater with binge issues can do is remember that FOOD IS NOT THE FIX FOR THE THINGS THAT MAKE YOU STRESSED OR SAD.
I'm gonna go make my meal now. It will fit into my plan, into my caloric limitation, and be full of nutrition (cause good nutrition makes us better able to handle stressors). I will not binge. I will not overeat. I will not dive into a pizza or a cake or a pile of chocolate bars.
Food can't fix this. It can offer pleasure explosions in my brain that soothe, but that's using food the way a junkie uses drugs to forget his woes and feel good. It can only make a situation worse.
I have to find the path into joy again and it's by working on what can be solved and keeping hope and believing and being optimistic and seeing challenges as something to grow on and not something to cave under.
If you feel you are about to give in, cave utterly to stress or depression driven eating, remember that simple phrase. FOOD IS NOT THE FIX for what is pressing down upon you.
May this Tuesday be a good one for you...
Onto our regularly scheduled post:
My joyous mood has taken a dive since yesterday. It's a couple of stressors that hit--one that may be life-changing in ways I cannot even calculate right now--but I have not gone off on a food bender. Calories for Sunday (1150) and Monday (1280) have been fine. But as soon as the mood cloud passed over Monday evening, I had these incipient thoughts of trigger foods, and it took a good 20 minutes of concerted effort to fight them off.
Then I stayed in the blue zone, but did not go to any old comfort eating habits. All along, it was simply a mantra in the back of my mind, like a soundtrack on low volume, "Food is not the fix. Food is not the fix. Food is not the fix. ..."
Cause unless it's a nutritional deficiency or legitimate hunger, food is NOT the fix. That's the only thing food solves: you need nutrients, you need energy. That's it.
We use food for a lot of non-food stuff--celebrations, comfort, stress relief, erotic satisfaction, self-punishment, etc.
But unless you have anemia, scurvy, Kwashiorkor, hypoglycemia, or haven't consumed enough calories to maintain your normal/healthy weight and meet your nutritional basics, you don't need to eat.
Food is not the fix except for those things which food actually fixes.
So, I haven't been diving into the false fix for my mood/stress issue. I've been trying to not skimp on good rest. I've been praying. I've been reciting affirmations for positive outlook. I've been working in non-caloric ways to handle the stress.
The mess that is this allergy season is also adding to this, no doubt. My eyes itch nearly constantly and the heat rash is cropping up on my legs now. But food can't fix that, although I can add vitamin-C rich foods and quercetin-rich apples more frequently into my diet to help with that. It can't fix my hyperreactive immune system or what is in the air out in Miami. I can take Vit C and Quercetin in supplements and bypass the calories, also. So, again, food is not the FIX (though, granted, eating healthfully can HELP).
I want my happy happy joy back. It's been a good year, mood-wise, very good. Golden.
But this is life. Ups and downs. So, all a chronic overeater with binge issues can do is remember that FOOD IS NOT THE FIX FOR THE THINGS THAT MAKE YOU STRESSED OR SAD.
I'm gonna go make my meal now. It will fit into my plan, into my caloric limitation, and be full of nutrition (cause good nutrition makes us better able to handle stressors). I will not binge. I will not overeat. I will not dive into a pizza or a cake or a pile of chocolate bars.
Food can't fix this. It can offer pleasure explosions in my brain that soothe, but that's using food the way a junkie uses drugs to forget his woes and feel good. It can only make a situation worse.
I have to find the path into joy again and it's by working on what can be solved and keeping hope and believing and being optimistic and seeing challenges as something to grow on and not something to cave under.
If you feel you are about to give in, cave utterly to stress or depression driven eating, remember that simple phrase. FOOD IS NOT THE FIX for what is pressing down upon you.
May this Tuesday be a good one for you...
Friday, April 15, 2011
Salt setback and New Inflammation...The Distressing Disappearing-Boobs-Becoming-Socks And Hanging-Wrinkled-Laundry-Skin-Side-Effect of Weight Loss (NO Pics, hah)...The Soothing JMT...Detaching Food From Emotions...Lap Band Risks...and it's (maybe) Day 68 of Phase 5, but it's definitely EMANCIPATION DAY! Set yourself free!
Lotsa things today. First is the setback from salt. My lovely progress halted by an insanely salty soup from the Italian cafe. It was dinner last night. I added mushrooms and spinach and some ground beef to the minestrone, cause I did not feel like cooking. Had papaya with it for dessert.
Woke up at 211.8. Ouch.
I don't hit the salt as much as I used to, and I still have moments of backsliding. But, hey, soup was delish. Nice minestrone with very little pasta and a lot of veggies. Calories were fine yesterday. :) Did Pilates for an hour and walked for 30 mins.
The warmer weather and pollens have hit again. My arms, down to my fingers, are a red rash, as is my chest. My throat feels like someone has their hands around there and is choking me. I worry this might be an autoimmune flare-up. When I get that choking feeling, it tends to mean my thyroid is going through an active attack-it phase, which means harder to breathe, harder to bend neck, harder to swallow. I hate my crappy immune system, but just gotta deal until it subsides. I may do a complete exercise rest day and stay out of the sun and see how that goes....
So, the boobies... I was naked last night after a shower and applying prescription steroid cream to my rash (would not sleep otherwise as the burning and itch was insane). I had tilted to the side and bent over and..what the hell is that on my chest? Oh, yeah, my boobs. They are starting to disappear (in terms of fullness) and elongate into tube socks of soft floopy skin. Oh, Joy! Yet another crap effect of having been morbidly obese and losing it. My bountiful, creamy, lovely-to-the-touch bosom pals--I used to enjoy cupping them all the time; yes, I liked the feel of my old boobies--are deflating alarmingly.
What ya gonna do? Get fat again? No way. I'll live with it. Went to hubby, who was already in bed, clapped his hand on one of my deflatees, and asked if it was awful. He said no way and kept grabbing.
Fine. If he doesn't have an issue, I should chill. He's the only one besides me and my docs who needs to see/grab em. If he's fine with the socks, then I can deal better. I'll keep moisturizing to keep them a nice plush and velvety brand of tube sockies. And I'll keep buying good bras.
The inner thighs are also distressing. And upper arms. They are even crinklier this week, methinks. Like shirts that were bunched up and not ironed. Ah, well. More lotion. I'll work on developing Crinkle Blindness: the inability to see the icky crinkles in deflated formerly really fat areas of the body.
Oh, a John Michael Talbot oldie just came on the radio (Christian station). I feel better. It's soothing...oooooh.....yes....I needed to hear this. Perspective. Destressing. Loooooveee...
For the Mighty God has done great things for me,
and His mercy will reach from age to age,
and holy, holy, holy is His Name.
All better now.
If you're a Christian and need relaxing music, and if you haven't discovered JMT (who has been around for a long time, both in secular music and then Christian), then here...go explore. I find him blissfully relaxing, and he's great for alone worship and meditation.
Next:
I visited a blog where the dieter has lost A LOT of weight and has worked to de-attach her eating from her emotions. I've seen others who've succeeded at weight loss do this. It doesn't mean that food doesn't taste good or give the eater pleasure. Eating IS pleasurable. It means food is fuel and we eat it to nourish ourselves, and we don't make food our partner, our comfort, our security blanket, our refuge, our reward, our stress management mechanism.
Every time you say, "I deserve to eat this cause I had a hard day", you are continuing to entrench eating as a reward or a comfort. For overeaters/the overweight/the obese, this is not a good strategy. When you give your kids food as a reward--"eat your broccoli and I'll reward you with a cookie"-- you may be setting them up to comfort and reward themselves with food in the future. Broccoli is nutritious food and fuel. Cookies are toxic food and fuel. If you're gonna tie emotions to something, tie it to broccoli or strawberries or spinach, for pete's sake. :) But better to just look at food as something that is nice to eat, but is mostly to make your body work to let you LIVE LIFE.
Food is to help you live your life. Food is not itself life.
The blog is called SUGARLESS DIET and on April 4, she wrote:
She's dropped more than 100 pounds and her latest post has before/after pics. Inspiring. Congrats, Floriana.
Her eating plan is one I'm moving more and more towards. It's the one that seems to best 1. control cravings and 2. lessen appetite and 3. work well for my medical issues. It makes sense to me (especially for I.R./diabetic folks) and it clearly worked for her.
Next:
I researched bariatric surgery a few years ago (mostly 2008, 2009) when I was feeling hopeless about losing weight. I was losing very little, regaining a bit, losing a bit, maintaining a lot. I hung around in the 270s and hung and hung... Lap band appealed to me more than gastric bypass. But the more I researched, the more disheartened I got at the possible complications, regain, etc. I figured if I was going to regain anyway or have some terrible complication, I might as well keep giving diet/exercise/mental change a shot.
I'm glad I didn't have lap band. I'm glad I came to believe I could do it. I want to keep doing it. I want to reach goal weight. It may have taken me a long time and it may take me longer, but this latest article I saw in Google News made me really glad I skipped the lap band. (As did having a friend of mine who had lap band some years ago convert to a gastric sleeve, cause she was having issues with the band and regaining a lot.)
Finally:
Happy Emancipation Day!
Freedom is never absolute, I suppose, but freedom is a great thing. To be able to choose your life partner. To be able to choose your career. To be able to choose your hobbies, where you live, what you eat.
Within Freedom comes duty and responsibility and ethics and morality (which puts limits on freedom for the greater good and one's own benefit). It's wonderful to live in a nation where we can make decisions about our life's course so widely. I was not born indentured or enslaved. I married the man of my free choice, not someone else's selection. I chose to study what I wanted in college, not what someone forced me to. I get to sleep at the hour I choose to and eat the dinner I want to make. This is amazing.
As an eater, I often misused that freedom. I made and bought and ate meals that damaged my body, which in turn limited my body's freedom to move. Impaired mobility from fat sucks. OMG, it is so much better, even still obese, to be able to get into all sorts of flexible positions--in Pilates, in bed, on the couch (sitting Indian style is a breeze these days), in the shower, in the car.
Too many liberties in one area--meaning not enough responsibility, duty, morality, discretion, moderation--takes liberty away from another area. You pay for imbalances.
Today, celebrate freedom. But do so by freely choosing to put limits on your freedom to eat any damn thing you want. Choose to eat the things that lead to MORE freedome (freedom to travel, freedom to try all those poses in the Happy Acrobatic Sex Manual, freedom to kayak or jog or fit in restaurant booths). Put limits on eating in order to have greater freedom in all other parts of life. Better freedom.
Choosing eat too much or too much crap enslaves you. It really does.
The unfortunates who lived lives of grave injustices and horrible misery under slavery in this great land of ours (to our national historical shame) did not have a choice. They ate what they were given, were bred like animals to whomever the master chose, slept where the master decided (or didn't sleep as the master decided) and were provided with rags or clothes or chains or anything at someone else's decree. It's awful. Slavery is awful. And I thank God we got rid of that blight on our land.
But slavery can be self-imposed, too. We limit our creativity, ability, potential in all sorts of ways. And with us obese folks, food becomes a master and fat a shackle.
Choose EMANCIPATION FROM FAT today. Give yourself a proclamation decreeing yourself SET FREE and begin to live that way...free to choose to eat healthfully and in proper portions.
And be well...
Woke up at 211.8. Ouch.
I don't hit the salt as much as I used to, and I still have moments of backsliding. But, hey, soup was delish. Nice minestrone with very little pasta and a lot of veggies. Calories were fine yesterday. :) Did Pilates for an hour and walked for 30 mins.
The warmer weather and pollens have hit again. My arms, down to my fingers, are a red rash, as is my chest. My throat feels like someone has their hands around there and is choking me. I worry this might be an autoimmune flare-up. When I get that choking feeling, it tends to mean my thyroid is going through an active attack-it phase, which means harder to breathe, harder to bend neck, harder to swallow. I hate my crappy immune system, but just gotta deal until it subsides. I may do a complete exercise rest day and stay out of the sun and see how that goes....
So, the boobies... I was naked last night after a shower and applying prescription steroid cream to my rash (would not sleep otherwise as the burning and itch was insane). I had tilted to the side and bent over and..what the hell is that on my chest? Oh, yeah, my boobs. They are starting to disappear (in terms of fullness) and elongate into tube socks of soft floopy skin. Oh, Joy! Yet another crap effect of having been morbidly obese and losing it. My bountiful, creamy, lovely-to-the-touch bosom pals--I used to enjoy cupping them all the time; yes, I liked the feel of my old boobies--are deflating alarmingly.
What ya gonna do? Get fat again? No way. I'll live with it. Went to hubby, who was already in bed, clapped his hand on one of my deflatees, and asked if it was awful. He said no way and kept grabbing.
Fine. If he doesn't have an issue, I should chill. He's the only one besides me and my docs who needs to see/grab em. If he's fine with the socks, then I can deal better. I'll keep moisturizing to keep them a nice plush and velvety brand of tube sockies. And I'll keep buying good bras.
The inner thighs are also distressing. And upper arms. They are even crinklier this week, methinks. Like shirts that were bunched up and not ironed. Ah, well. More lotion. I'll work on developing Crinkle Blindness: the inability to see the icky crinkles in deflated formerly really fat areas of the body.
Oh, a John Michael Talbot oldie just came on the radio (Christian station). I feel better. It's soothing...oooooh.....yes....I needed to hear this. Perspective. Destressing. Loooooveee...
For the Mighty God has done great things for me,
and His mercy will reach from age to age,
and holy, holy, holy is His Name.
All better now.
If you're a Christian and need relaxing music, and if you haven't discovered JMT (who has been around for a long time, both in secular music and then Christian), then here...go explore. I find him blissfully relaxing, and he's great for alone worship and meditation.
Next:
I visited a blog where the dieter has lost A LOT of weight and has worked to de-attach her eating from her emotions. I've seen others who've succeeded at weight loss do this. It doesn't mean that food doesn't taste good or give the eater pleasure. Eating IS pleasurable. It means food is fuel and we eat it to nourish ourselves, and we don't make food our partner, our comfort, our security blanket, our refuge, our reward, our stress management mechanism.
Every time you say, "I deserve to eat this cause I had a hard day", you are continuing to entrench eating as a reward or a comfort. For overeaters/the overweight/the obese, this is not a good strategy. When you give your kids food as a reward--"eat your broccoli and I'll reward you with a cookie"-- you may be setting them up to comfort and reward themselves with food in the future. Broccoli is nutritious food and fuel. Cookies are toxic food and fuel. If you're gonna tie emotions to something, tie it to broccoli or strawberries or spinach, for pete's sake. :) But better to just look at food as something that is nice to eat, but is mostly to make your body work to let you LIVE LIFE.
Food is to help you live your life. Food is not itself life.
The blog is called SUGARLESS DIET and on April 4, she wrote:
That's my no fun eating plan. Realistically, eating like I will be eating is boring. Simple, clean, processed as little as possible, with little variety. Boring. But you see, I have decided a long time ago, back when I was starting that for me eating can not be entertainment or consolation or reward or fun or anything that ties in emotions. If I want any of that I'll have to get it from other sources, like reading, travel, socializing or other non food related experiences. Food is fuel - no more, no less. I truly believe in that last sentence and it's only since I have stopped eating sugar that I have been able to come to the state of mind that accepts that concept.
She's dropped more than 100 pounds and her latest post has before/after pics. Inspiring. Congrats, Floriana.
Her eating plan is one I'm moving more and more towards. It's the one that seems to best 1. control cravings and 2. lessen appetite and 3. work well for my medical issues. It makes sense to me (especially for I.R./diabetic folks) and it clearly worked for her.
Next:
I researched bariatric surgery a few years ago (mostly 2008, 2009) when I was feeling hopeless about losing weight. I was losing very little, regaining a bit, losing a bit, maintaining a lot. I hung around in the 270s and hung and hung... Lap band appealed to me more than gastric bypass. But the more I researched, the more disheartened I got at the possible complications, regain, etc. I figured if I was going to regain anyway or have some terrible complication, I might as well keep giving diet/exercise/mental change a shot.
I'm glad I didn't have lap band. I'm glad I came to believe I could do it. I want to keep doing it. I want to reach goal weight. It may have taken me a long time and it may take me longer, but this latest article I saw in Google News made me really glad I skipped the lap band. (As did having a friend of mine who had lap band some years ago convert to a gastric sleeve, cause she was having issues with the band and regaining a lot.)
Finally:
Happy Emancipation Day!
Freedom is never absolute, I suppose, but freedom is a great thing. To be able to choose your life partner. To be able to choose your career. To be able to choose your hobbies, where you live, what you eat.
Within Freedom comes duty and responsibility and ethics and morality (which puts limits on freedom for the greater good and one's own benefit). It's wonderful to live in a nation where we can make decisions about our life's course so widely. I was not born indentured or enslaved. I married the man of my free choice, not someone else's selection. I chose to study what I wanted in college, not what someone forced me to. I get to sleep at the hour I choose to and eat the dinner I want to make. This is amazing.
As an eater, I often misused that freedom. I made and bought and ate meals that damaged my body, which in turn limited my body's freedom to move. Impaired mobility from fat sucks. OMG, it is so much better, even still obese, to be able to get into all sorts of flexible positions--in Pilates, in bed, on the couch (sitting Indian style is a breeze these days), in the shower, in the car.
Too many liberties in one area--meaning not enough responsibility, duty, morality, discretion, moderation--takes liberty away from another area. You pay for imbalances.
Today, celebrate freedom. But do so by freely choosing to put limits on your freedom to eat any damn thing you want. Choose to eat the things that lead to MORE freedome (freedom to travel, freedom to try all those poses in the Happy Acrobatic Sex Manual, freedom to kayak or jog or fit in restaurant booths). Put limits on eating in order to have greater freedom in all other parts of life. Better freedom.
Choosing eat too much or too much crap enslaves you. It really does.
The unfortunates who lived lives of grave injustices and horrible misery under slavery in this great land of ours (to our national historical shame) did not have a choice. They ate what they were given, were bred like animals to whomever the master chose, slept where the master decided (or didn't sleep as the master decided) and were provided with rags or clothes or chains or anything at someone else's decree. It's awful. Slavery is awful. And I thank God we got rid of that blight on our land.
But slavery can be self-imposed, too. We limit our creativity, ability, potential in all sorts of ways. And with us obese folks, food becomes a master and fat a shackle.
Choose EMANCIPATION FROM FAT today. Give yourself a proclamation decreeing yourself SET FREE and begin to live that way...free to choose to eat healthfully and in proper portions.
And be well...
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Day 1 of the SPAWN of SoDDD Challenge: Can the Princess Dieter convince Princess Wuss to do the 1200 Calories? The Battle's On! And some thoughts on eating at goal weight level and the upcoming holiday temptations...
The Spawn of the Son of the Double Dog Dare Challenge begins TODAY!
If you didn't join in, too bad for you. The info and packet with menus is OUTSTANDING. Allan and crew did a great job. Thanks to all who put that together.
This is a short and disciplined challenge. The goal (at the strict end) is to eat 1200 calories and NO MORE plus a set number of ounces of fluids per day. The fluids are becoming second nature to me. I haven't missed the fluids goal a single day. In the previous two challenges, I think I only went over caloric goals three days, and I made up for all those and then some by eating less other days. So, really, I've been pretty damn golden since this series of challenges began. Even ill, I didn't overeat. Even on Thanksgiving, I didn't overeat.
This is the longest period of consistent sane eating that I've done...EVER...since I chubbed up in my twenties. I'm fifty. Do the math.
If you want to see how sticking to goal-weight caloric level and drinking oodles of water does a dieter good, go see Allan's charts today at http://almostgastricbypass.blogspot.com and marvel. Goal weight caloric level is not starvation level. It is a disciplined level--you will have to plan, think, control, and not overindulge, but that's what it's gonna take to MAINTAIN a weight loss, especially a massive one from hyperconditioned overeaters such as I am. If you can't eat day in and day out at your GOAL WEIGHT CALORIC LIMIT level, you will NOT BE ABLE TO MAINTAIN A LOSS. Period.
So, if living at this level was burdensome and un-doable, I would have had to reconsider my goal weight. Who knows? I may have to reconsider it anyway due to other factors. Or maybe I'll be one of the lucky few who can even go lower than goal weight. Doubt it. I've never skewed slim, not even as an active teen. My teen weight was in the 130's to low 140's, and that was biking, swimming, and walking a lot with a normal thyroid and being too poor to indulge in restaurants like I did as an adult (and do).
I have learned that I can enjoy many nice meals at 1700 calories. I can have filling and delicious meals. Not as much as I want every time. Not everything I want every day. Not a lot of my fave indulgences. Very little dessert. But that's how it is. People don't stay normal weight glomming on pizzas and cheese-drenched mega-burritos thrice a week and shoving cake and chocolate bars down the gullet every night. People stay normal weight, stay slender, stay lean by eating with constraints . And if like me you are a metabolic disaster, you don't get to fudge as much as some others. Life is unfair, then you die. (Okay, so I have the hope of Heaven, which blunts the awfulness of that, heh.) So what's new? I assume God gave me a great brain, a caring family, and a dazzlingly loving and passionate and monogamously devoted hunk of a hubby to make up for a defective respiratory system, weak teeth, acne, eczema, depression tendencies, a crap immune system, and a screwed-up metabolism. Hubby says so. :D
So, when I eat with my Great Big True Hunky Love, I don't get second and third helpings. I guess I'll just have more sex.
Now, back to food:
I have not fully committed to the 1200 level. I am committed to not going over my goal weight level, and even to staying nicely under.
But I did test the waters. Yesterday, I had the first day that was really close to the DNA test diet recommendations for me (65/20/15)My carb/fat/protein ratio was 63/15/22. I also ate only 1208 calories. I was not hungry. I did have cravings. I almost had another mini-meal cause of those cravings. But I persevered.
It wasn't a lot of food, but it wasn't as bad as I expected. I think because I had a lot of fiber (36 grams) that helped make me feel full.
So, for me, this is an ambivalent beginning, but I am determined to continue to the end, no matter where in the acceptable caloric range I end up daily. Christmas will be a challenge, moreso than Thanksgiving for me. Christmas has emotional connotations and is so saturated in nostalgia that it may trigger the emotional monster. I will do what I need to do to calm the grief-monster that emerges, too, since my parents and beloved aunt are deceased. I always miss the gone-folks most at Nochebuena (Christmas Eve, when we Cubans celebrate the holiday). Dad and my brother watching over the roast pig is a memory. Mom making empanadillas from scratch. My aunt always stirring something in some big pot. Singing Spanish carols that were my mom's fave. Stories of "old Cuba" from parents and siblings. (I have no memories, so I always felt a big hole, a bit left out, but I'd sit and listen to the reminiscences.)
If I can get through Nochebuena, I'll be fine. :)
So, onto the SPAWN CHALLENGE:
Food Log...
BREAKFAST:
2 slices WW toast made into a sandwich with:
1/3 cup egg whites scrambled with 1/4 cup chopped tomato/onion/bell pepper and
1 slice 2% American cheese
3 slices Canadian bacon
1 cup fresh papaya chunkes with spritz of lime.
Supplements: Calcium +D, Magnesium, Quercetin, Fiber, Multi, probiotics
3 cups coffee
8 glasses water (6 before, two after)
calories: 333
fluids: 88 oz
LUNCH:
2 cups Amy's light in sodium Minestrone Soup
1 tbsp shaved parmesan
3 skewers Satay Chicken with 1 tbsp peanut sauce
2 cups decaf
6 glasses water
calories: 517
fluids: 64 oz (not counting soup)
calories so far: 850
fluids so far: 152 oz
DINNER: Was craving both SWEET and SALTY and arugula...so the weird dinner you see:
Arugula and tomato salad with 2 tbsp shaved parmesan and 2 tsp EVOO
WS hotcakes with sugar free syrup, 1 tsp ICBInotButter , 2 tbsp applesauce, and cinnamon
assorted supplements
2 cups decaf
4 glasses water
calories: 397
fluids: 48 oz
Total Calories: 1247
Total Fluids: 200 oz
Friday, October 15, 2010
Face the Truth Fridays: Late Posting-- Some Loss, Sick and Sleepless in Miami
697 days, 12 hours, and 92.8 lbs to go...
I'm backposting this so it shows up as Friday. I didn't have my laptop yesterday (hubby had a day-long seminar with presentation and took it) and he got home at 8:30 pm, by which time I was just not feeling like posting.
Weigh-in: 252.8
That's a minimal loss from last Friday's 253.2, and I'm not reaching my weekly goals.
While I had several on-target days this week--ie, at 1700 to 1800 calories-- I had enough above target that loss was only half a pound.
The Truth I'm Facing: I have to stop feeling like because I give some favorite goodies up that this will result in faster loss. I guess I figured that giving up those Sunday bagels and cream cheese and bacon, and giving up the weekly overload of cheese enchiladas or lasagna, or giving up daily chocolate bars, or giving big dinners out on Saturdays, that I should be rewarded by big number losses on the scale.
The reality is that giving those up has stopped the past cycle of 10+ lbs increases a year (some years a lot more depending on stressors, like mom's death throes). And that should be enough.
But emotionally, I feel like I'm giving up such pleasures and delights and I should get rewards that are BIGGER.
I know, that's childish, but that's the emotional aspect. I want to be rewarded MORE for giving up my longstanding indulgences and having my meals on fricken bread plates now.
From luncheon platters the size of medium pizzas to bread plates the size of a compact disc case.
The truth is that there are more sacrifices I need to get used to making for the end result I want, and I need to leave my little-girl emotional trantrums behind.
In other personal news; I"m having trouble breathing and feeling cranky.
Asthma started acting up--feels like a fat dog is napping on my chest today--and I have a family party to go to. Haven't been sleeping well for a couple days, and it shows in several ways--circles under eyes, increase in appetite, bad mood.
I am making a pitstop to pick up salad veggies and fruit to take with me and I'll be taking a protein shake to try and minimize temptation. When my stamina is low and appetite is up, I really don't want to face hot dogs and birthday cake and fatty dips. Ack!
It's always scary when the breathing issues exacerbate cause I feel like I'm back in the dark cave from years ago when it didn't get better--for years!--but I gotta tell myself whatever is in the air will subside and I will get better. The important thing is to not stress, stay calm, or my adrenals will poop out! No, seriously, I don't want the "eat more" stress syndrome.
I hope this weekend finds you in better shape than I am. (If you're breathing freely, offer a bit of thanks for that blessing!)
Have a healthy Saturday!
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Grappling and Taking Down the Emotional Monster
You can guess life smacked me around a bit, since I haven't posted since, er, when, Saturday?
Okay, so Saturday began a descent that culminated in Sunday's insanity.
I found out some very stressful news from Sister A, which even today has me praying double and triple time for her. We all met up (siblings and their kidlets) for a birthday party Sunday. I'd had one of my happy but lite breakfasts to get me in a better frame of mind.
I brought over fruit and Greek Salad.
I had THREE servings of the salad with honey pear dressing, about 3 ounces of Serrano ham, white "Cuban style" cheese with coffee, who knows how many Amaretti cookies, I lost count. A piece of dark chocolate. One bit of Parmesan bread. Coconut water. White wine with strawberries.
But the situation with Sister A had gotten worse and she was near tears. Sister B was going through a new round of depression and had an infection causing her severe pain. Gosh, there was a pall over that party.
On the drive home, I was feeling the blossoming of Monster Binge. I really could feel that I was totally about to lose it. I wanted to weep. I felt so helpless that I could help neither sister right now.
So, I tell hubby in a voice not to be messed with: I want a hamburger!
He's the sweetest, dearest man in the universe, but at this point, he should have told me, "Honey, I love you more than my own life. No. You are not having a fast food hamburger."
I'm having visions of buffalo wings, tacos, burgers, pizza. I am possessed, I swear.
Well, the only blessing in all of this is that I only got the burger (no fries, no dessert, and even at the party, I bypassed the birthday key lime pie and apple strudels). I got home and I ate it. Very fast.
And I said, "Shit....this has to stop."
I started drinking water, water, had a high protein hot cocoa to give my mouth something that wasn't "evil".
I went to bed still feeling a little crazed.
Now, I felt horrible when I woke up 4 hours later. (Yeah, add not enough sleep, cause the sister and food thing is making me uneasy on the mattress there.) I ate a very small breakfast (200 cals) and water.
I almost cancelled Pilates, but that would have made hubby sad and me mad at myself. Hubby was heading out that afternoon to San Francisco for a business conference, so I didn't want to make him worry about me on top of everything else. I got my workout clothes on. I did NOT want to go. (A rare thing, as I like doing my Pilates and feeling that "I did it" glow aftewards.)
So, I went to Pilates. Bloated from all the sodium and crap the day before. I did the upper body work fine, but my knee was bad. Dunno why? Lower body work took a bit of modifying.
There's a Subway below the Pilates studio. I don't go there very often, but I decided before I got lured in by the various WORSE fast food options on the way home, I'd get something. I got the footlong Turkey Jalapeno Melt (extra turkey) (to share with hubby) with every veggie they had on top. And baked chips. And a Coke Zero. (I looked away from the cookies.)
I ended up having 1/3 of the chips and tossing them. 1/2 the sub with avocado. 1/2 the Coke Zero.
And I felt like I started to calm down.
Hubby had had lunch while I was gone, so I wrapped the Sub for dinner or lunch the next day (sans half the bread).
I had a blip later that day (too much tzatziki and too much almond butter, but not as bad as the day before).
I spent a lot of time just grappling internally, and y'all who binge know what I mean. Just trying to destress, find a calm place, and not let food win.
By Tuesday, I had started to calm down. I talked to Sister A (things were still bad, she sounded down), and then I prayed some more. I ate the leftover sub for supper with a plum and some debloating coconut water. I was able to finally get good sleep--solid, not waking up feeling panic sleep: 11 hours' worth.
I was able to bring down the quantity again Tuesday, meaning after Sunday's worst and Monday's still a bit bad, Tuesday was almost good. :)
But good enough that when I checked the scale today (and I was terrified to do so before), I was less than Friday's weigh-in. Hallelujah! In fact, I haven't weighed THAT number (254.0) since July of 2002. And the only reason I remember the precise month and year is that is what I weighed after my emergency appendectomy (July 5th) during the follow-up weigh-in at the surgeon's office.
I'm not out of the woods emotionally, but it's calmer. It's been raining and raining and raining (tropical depression), and that makes me feel a little blue, but not too much. And that's a ray of light.
So, I have high hopes for today and tomorrow. I want a decent weigh-in Friday, and staying calm and not letting worry get to me will be key.
I wish you a calm day and night, with less food and more movement and a lot more sleep. :)
Okay, so Saturday began a descent that culminated in Sunday's insanity.
I found out some very stressful news from Sister A, which even today has me praying double and triple time for her. We all met up (siblings and their kidlets) for a birthday party Sunday. I'd had one of my happy but lite breakfasts to get me in a better frame of mind.
I brought over fruit and Greek Salad.
I had THREE servings of the salad with honey pear dressing, about 3 ounces of Serrano ham, white "Cuban style" cheese with coffee, who knows how many Amaretti cookies, I lost count. A piece of dark chocolate. One bit of Parmesan bread. Coconut water. White wine with strawberries.
But the situation with Sister A had gotten worse and she was near tears. Sister B was going through a new round of depression and had an infection causing her severe pain. Gosh, there was a pall over that party.
On the drive home, I was feeling the blossoming of Monster Binge. I really could feel that I was totally about to lose it. I wanted to weep. I felt so helpless that I could help neither sister right now.
So, I tell hubby in a voice not to be messed with: I want a hamburger!
He's the sweetest, dearest man in the universe, but at this point, he should have told me, "Honey, I love you more than my own life. No. You are not having a fast food hamburger."
I'm having visions of buffalo wings, tacos, burgers, pizza. I am possessed, I swear.
Well, the only blessing in all of this is that I only got the burger (no fries, no dessert, and even at the party, I bypassed the birthday key lime pie and apple strudels). I got home and I ate it. Very fast.
And I said, "Shit....this has to stop."
I started drinking water, water, had a high protein hot cocoa to give my mouth something that wasn't "evil".
I went to bed still feeling a little crazed.
Now, I felt horrible when I woke up 4 hours later. (Yeah, add not enough sleep, cause the sister and food thing is making me uneasy on the mattress there.) I ate a very small breakfast (200 cals) and water.
I almost cancelled Pilates, but that would have made hubby sad and me mad at myself. Hubby was heading out that afternoon to San Francisco for a business conference, so I didn't want to make him worry about me on top of everything else. I got my workout clothes on. I did NOT want to go. (A rare thing, as I like doing my Pilates and feeling that "I did it" glow aftewards.)
So, I went to Pilates. Bloated from all the sodium and crap the day before. I did the upper body work fine, but my knee was bad. Dunno why? Lower body work took a bit of modifying.
There's a Subway below the Pilates studio. I don't go there very often, but I decided before I got lured in by the various WORSE fast food options on the way home, I'd get something. I got the footlong Turkey Jalapeno Melt (extra turkey) (to share with hubby) with every veggie they had on top. And baked chips. And a Coke Zero. (I looked away from the cookies.)
I ended up having 1/3 of the chips and tossing them. 1/2 the sub with avocado. 1/2 the Coke Zero.
And I felt like I started to calm down.
Hubby had had lunch while I was gone, so I wrapped the Sub for dinner or lunch the next day (sans half the bread).
I had a blip later that day (too much tzatziki and too much almond butter, but not as bad as the day before).
I spent a lot of time just grappling internally, and y'all who binge know what I mean. Just trying to destress, find a calm place, and not let food win.
By Tuesday, I had started to calm down. I talked to Sister A (things were still bad, she sounded down), and then I prayed some more. I ate the leftover sub for supper with a plum and some debloating coconut water. I was able to finally get good sleep--solid, not waking up feeling panic sleep: 11 hours' worth.
I was able to bring down the quantity again Tuesday, meaning after Sunday's worst and Monday's still a bit bad, Tuesday was almost good. :)
But good enough that when I checked the scale today (and I was terrified to do so before), I was less than Friday's weigh-in. Hallelujah! In fact, I haven't weighed THAT number (254.0) since July of 2002. And the only reason I remember the precise month and year is that is what I weighed after my emergency appendectomy (July 5th) during the follow-up weigh-in at the surgeon's office.
I'm not out of the woods emotionally, but it's calmer. It's been raining and raining and raining (tropical depression), and that makes me feel a little blue, but not too much. And that's a ray of light.
So, I have high hopes for today and tomorrow. I want a decent weigh-in Friday, and staying calm and not letting worry get to me will be key.
I wish you a calm day and night, with less food and more movement and a lot more sleep. :)
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