Where Can I Get This Extract, Please? ; ) And an Epiphany Shawl Pic Plus a Cautionary-Tale Hanging-Skin Pic for those Only Overweight or Normal Weight So you DO NOT GET OBESE! You don't want this flappy stuff on your body!

An article you might wanna take a look at if you are obese, if you sometimes fall off the wagon, if you have insulin resistance/visceral fat issues. Here ya go:

Twenty Weeks of Gluttony Without Gaining.

Hops water and Rhein. I want to try those, just to see. Not that I believe in magic bullets. Not after trying a couple things Dr. Oz recommended--following it to the letter--with squat results. I don't trust his supplement-for-weight-loss-or-X anymore. I think he needs so much material to fit a popular show that he will tout anything that isn't malicious, frankly, at this point.

Okay, we had our family gift-exchange yesterday, in old Cuban tradition. I got this pretty shawl from my grandniece/grandnephew:

It went great with the Nine West dress I chose to wear. It was a warm day, so I swapped out my original outfit for this one, cooler and sleeveless. I wore this dress at at tea party in January of 2012, so you can see I'm pretty much the same size. :D

Now, going sleeveless is a bit of a trial for those of us who have lost a lot of weight. 100+ pounds will definitely leave skin-consequences. My face is droopier, now that the stretched out cheeks aren't filled out with fat. My jawline. My thighs. My belly and butt. My back. All have droopy, hanging skin. Even when I was seeing a trainer 2 and 3 times a week and had gotten strong and gotten muscle, I had hanging skin. It looked better naked with muscle than it does now with much less muscle after 6 months of inactivity (yeah, I got really slothful/lazy), but still. It will hang.

If you are normal weight and starting to gain. If you are just overweight and rising up towards obesity: Google up "droopy" or "hanging" skin on the internet and look at how it appears on folks once they drop pounds. It is NOT pretty.

I mostly don't wear shapewear. I wear good (pricey) bras: Wacoal and Chantelle and Elomi and Anita. I have 38DDD boobs--once 46G-- and hanging side skin, so a good bra is worth the investment.

But I rarely wear shapewear for my droopy belly/butt/thighs. I do sometimes wear boy shorts or bicycle type panties/underwear to help with thigh hang in the inner thigh, but mostly, I do without. When I had more muscle, I did fine. You could see the panniculus demarcation in some clothes/fabrics, but that's just one of those things that reminds you of the damage done. Motivates you to keep at it. It's one of the main reasons I wanna get back to training, get my muscle. I looked so much better nekkid with lots of muscle in belly and thighs and butt and back and legs.

Some damage stays done sans surgery.

Here are two shots of my upper arm hanging skin. In the first one, taken yesterday, my arm was in motion, so this was "flap blowback" as I call it. I had lifted and swung my arm, so you see where my "normal" arm is, which is nicely, normally shaped. Then you see that flap of skin underneath. In the second one, I have my arms out to the side, so you see the hang when my arms are horizontal. I had hams for arms when I was huge-huge, and this skin is a legacy of that. Not very attractive, huh?

Princess' Skinflappiness

No compression shapewear. Just panties and a Wacoal bra here.

This is why my fave sleeve is 3/4. This is why fabric with some compression is welcome. This what you will face if you let yourself get obese, morbidly obese, superobese--and then slim down some or a lot. You will have loose skin.

Genetic variance will be in play. Some folks hang more, and some are more elastic and bounce back better. But in general, huge losses = excess, loose, hanging skin leftover.

You don't want it.

Here are before arm pics, one at 278 pounds and one about 10 pounds less:

Pilates outfit when I first started at 278 lbs

I was already building muscle here, 2 years of exercising, but the fat shrouds it.

Do what it takes to healthfully stop weight GAIN or to stay normal weight. Lose it when you only have 20 or 30 or 40 to lose. If you end up like me, with 150 extra pounds, you will regret it. Your body will suffer in various ways, and this will be one of them. You'll wear a loose skin-suit and when you shift in bed, it will be a weird sensation when your loose skin droops down. It always feels like you need to go back to the store and get skin that fits.

It's not a lovely thing. Prevent it. Tackle your food issues before your food issues permanently damage you.

And be well...

Which "Obesity Stage" Are You Living In? I like being a ZERO!

BMI isn't so useful a tool. I use it as a milestone marker. But I know it's got serious limitations and problems.

Some docs want better ways to gauge obesity and its effect. So, I was reading the stages in the Edmonton Obesity Staging System:

STAGE 0: Patient has no apparent obesity-related risk factors (e.g., blood pressure, serum lipids, fasting glucose, etc. within normal range), no physical symptoms, no psychopathology, no functional limitations and/or impairment of well being.
STAGE 1: Patient has obesity-related subclinical risk factor(s) (e.g., borderline hypertension, impaired fasting glucose, elevated liver enzymes, etc.), mild physical symptoms (e.g., dyspnea on moderate exertion, occasional aches and pains, fatigue, etc.), mild psychopathology, mild functional limitations and/or mild impairment of well being.
STAGE 2: Patient has established obesity-related chronic disease(s) (e.g., hypertension, type 2 diabetes, sleep apnea, osteoarthritis, reflux disease, polycystic ovary syndrome, anxiety disorder, etc.), moderate limitations in activities of daily living and/or well being.
STAGE 3: Patient has established end-organ damage such as myocardial infarction, heart failure, diabetic complications, incapacitating osteoarthritis, significant psychopathology, significant functional limitation(s) and/or impairment of well being.
STAGE 4: Patient has severe (potentially end-stage) disability/ies from obesity-related chronic diseases, severe disabling psychopathology, severe functional limitation(s) and/or severe impairment of well being.

And I realized this:

At my very highest at just about 300 lbs, I would have to self-categorize myself as having dipped into Stage 3 for a spell. Not cause of organ damage (though I was damaging my liver, had elevated enzymes, Ultrasound showed non-alcoholic fatty liver disease), but cause my activities were severely impacted. Movement...breathing...sleeping...and depression was rampant. "Impairment" of well-being, oh, yeah.

I spent most of my morbid obesity in Stage 2. No question about it.

I look over the criteria, and realize I'm a ZERO, just from how I feel and what doc says: Prediabetes resolved. No hypertension drug now. HDL and triglycerides, amazing. LDL higher, but good LDL particle size. Apnea pretty much gone, no waking up choking... though I'm asleep, so can't really tell for sure, hah. Reflux gone.  Liver hasn't been rechecked via ultrasound, but I'm  guessing way, way less fatty. Easier to move (exercise!). Energy high. Depression not in sight. Joy of life, even with its sad moments--considerable.

I do have damage--to skin, to joints, to liver, I'm sure--from having been obese for more than 2 decades. No joke. You pay a price! I suspect the longer one is obese, the more price to be paid. Some things are irrevocable. Lifespan may be impacted for sure. We can't know for certain. But I do suspect the longer you wait to fix the problem (don't be an ass like me), the less you get to live and the more you suffer down the line.

BUT....for today...for now...being a zero is nice.

I want to stay a big zero when it comes to this.

I can cross my legs. I can touch my head to my knees. I can go up a flight of stairs without being winded. I can walk and feel strong and buoyant, simultaneously. I take such joy in doing these things I could not do before.

And I"m still fat. Overweight.

Just not obese. :)

What stage are you in? Don't you wanna be a ZERO?

Back to EXERCISING! & What the heck is that line down my torso? Oh, is THAT what it is? ; ) Rereading REFUSE TO REGAIN and sharing a quote on metabolism & exercise..and what is your exercise block? Move!

Tanita-san: 186.0

It keeps moving down. I keep smiling.

In less than one pound, I'll just be "overweight". Buh-bye, obesity!

I'm officially back to exercising. Yesterday I walked 28 minutes (stopped when left foot got numb, which hadn't happened until the 40 to 45 minute mark before). I guess I have ground to regain, footwise.

I then went swimming at the local pool for a half hour. I used some of that to work on my triceps (ie, swam in ways that made me force water using triceps muscles).  I also did that thing where you lift yourself out of the pool, held it, went back to water. Lifted out of pool, held it, back in water--twenty times. I did scissors while holding onto the edge of the pool until my inner thighs were exhausted. I just used up energy and moved and had fun.
 
The moon was amazing (we did evening time in the pool), a sliver of newness that got more golden then coppery as it dropped further into the west. It was a gorgeous evening. I'm glad I went out and walked and swam.  Saw an ibis. Saw a ravishing moon. Smelled flower-scented balmy air. It was good to be alive. And because I felt so alive again, I missed my nephew. A lot. And cried, a little. But he's in Heaven, and that's better than here, as beautiful an evening as it was.

I was a little woozy after exercising so I checked my BP: 104/62

Pretty good for a gal who was on blood pressure meds for years until a couple months ago. :D
~~~~~~~~~~~~`
I've been noticing this line that runs down my torso. I couldn't remember seeing this before.

I found out what it is: linea alba.

It is formed by the fusion of the aponeuroses of the abdominal muscles, and it separates the left and right rectus abdominis muscles. In muscular individuals its presence can be seen on the skin, forming the depression between the left and right halves of a "six pack."

I had kidded around with my hubby how after 3 years of Pilates, I had a six-pack under all that huge pile of fat. Apparently, I wasn't far off. You can't do all those abdominal exercises in Pilates training, week in, week out, 2x or 3x a week, and not have results, right?

Mine is not a lean athlete's or personal trainer's version. Heck no. Loose skin. Still a large load of fat. I carry in the torso anyway. When I was a teten and normal weight, I had skinny arms and legs and a poochy tummy. My belly was always my weak spot.

But the linea alba and segmented muscles ARE gently visible and that is a badge rewarding a lot of cruches, hundreds, and assorted sweat-fests. I didn't have that the last time I was 186. But then, the last time I was this weight, I was not exercising much, other than some dancing/aerobics. No hardcore abdominal work and such. I've spent 3 years knowing what regular sore muscles (abs and others) is like. This is the payoff.

I also note that my legs look great. Working out changes how you look as the fat goes away. If you want to look better when you lose some weight--start working out NOW. I do notice that it helps a lot with contour and firmness, even with the shifty layer of excess skin here and there. I know I'd look way, way worse had I not worked out consistently for THREE YEARS and worked my butt off multiple days a week for 7+ months.

Yes, I have saggy thigh-butt-belly-upper arm-bosom skin, particularly those crinkly-droopies in the inner thigh and upper arms and that panni, from  having been 300 lbs and now 112 pounds LESS than that number. You pay a price. But the abdominal muscles are showing. I SEE THEM when I'm nekkid and it makes me happy.I'm still fat. I'm still abdominally fat, but I finally see what all my hard work did over the years.

I haven't had a Pilates session in over 2 weeks. I miss it. Bad. I always felt so zingy and flexible and alive afterwards. So dang virtuous. I resume next week (and I will assess what the budget allows). But tomorrow, I'm gonna do some mat-work at home. I wanna keep my abs, even if I can't keep training with Liza 2x a week. (Though I'm praying I can. It does my body good.)

I don't wanna lose my ab muscles or my nice thigh shape. I love what Pilates did for my aging body and especially my once thunder-thighs. I really love LOOKING at those muscles in my thighs in shorts. They look GOOD.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I dipped into REFUSE TO REGAIN by Dr. Berkeley last night. Since I reintroduced some starchy carbs recently --potatoes, rice, the safe ones according to the Jaminets-- I find I'm TOO MUCH letting them slide in. More than a couple times a week. I needed a reminder why I need to be very vigilant with starches and make them the "rare" S food, not the usual meal item. My dietitian allowed me one starch serving a day. I did better with one starch serving once or twice a week. I'm doing about 4x a week now. I'm not gaining or anything from it. But I fear re-invigorating my appetite. I am more insulin sensitive, more leptin sensitive, but I'm still someone with "issues" with starchy carbs and sugar and I must always be vigilant. This book reminds me to not let this slide....

The chapter on metabolism is helpful--realistic, but hopeful--and emphasizes the role exercise can play in maintenance. I'm not in maintenance, but I will be, and soonish.

I had exercise on the brain, so a quote stood out. It just highlighted for me why this habit is a habit that's worth developing, even for those just starting their journey of weight loss, even those who haven't yet lost the first 5 pounds on the long journey. I started developing the habit when I was 278 lbs. You are never too big to move in some way.

Here's a quote:

"Exercise may benefit metabolism as well. One study which looked at maintainers eighteen to forty months after dieting showed that those who exercised had normal metabolic rates for size, whereas those who were sedentary had slower than predicted rates. If you want to be assured of a nice, active metabolic rate--exercise. Be sure to include some muscle-building activity to maintain a good store of metabolically active muscle tissue."

It's just common sense really. Move more = higher metabolism Move less = slower metabolism. Diet a lot = impair metabolism. But that impairment seems to improve with time and with increasing muscle mass.

So...if that doesn't get ya to commit to move...you need some deep soul-searching to figure out why.  We all have our reasons, and it may come down simply to plain, old, classic-vice sloth. What's your block?

If you've not exercised in a while--or ever--commit to 10 minutes today. Just ten. Walk, swim, ride a bike, dance to fast music, walk in place in front of a tv show you like, put on an exercise video. 10 mins. Start now.

Okay. I'm off to eat something and figure out how to bust a muscle-building move when a stormy sky threatens my walk. I see an On Demand video as a possibility. Or some dancing. I just got a new electronica/dance cd from Amazon via UPS today. Might try it out.

Go. Burn some calories. Build some muscle.

Be well...

Freaky Day of Cancelled and New Appts, My Curls Blown Out for First Time in 1.5 Years, And Lots of Fanfare About Loss , which was Nice!

Yesterday, Tanita-san said 198.0

I don't weigh on Mon/Thur cause I don't sleep enough those days and am usually hurrying to drink my coffee and water , get dressed, and head to Pilates.

Today, there was a wrench in my plans. I heard this weird beep around 11:10 am (a few minutes before alarm would have gone off), and it turns out it was my clock letting me know power to it was gone. Yep. No electricity. I heard thunking noises out back. The electric company was doing work.

I called my trainer and said I was dressed and ready to head out when the FPL dudes left (the trucks were blocking the garage outlet in the narrow alley AND I had no power to lift the garage door, as it's electric and I have no idea how to get it up manually). Well, come appt time, the FPL dudes were still there and I'm in Miami and it's warm and I have no A/C! I'm in the house in bra and shorts and sneakers. The juice came on around 1:33, and the FPL guys says it will be on for a short spell, then out again for a few hours.

I said, "Can you unblock me so I can get the car out of the garage and be mobile?" He was handsome and nice and did just that. I made a hair appt, got it trimmed and, for a novelty, blown out. Haven't had my hair blown out in 18 months, as I went naturally curly in Nov of 2009.

Hairdresser said my hair was in amazing good health. I said, "I use lots of good moisturizers and oils and I don't blow out or use flatirons. My hair has grown out without being abused. I also don't use regular shampoos. I use either a conditioner to cleanse, or a lowpoo cleanser (mild, no sulfates), and only occasionally use a stronger clarifying poo (a couple times a year), to make sure there's no build-up. I add conditioner to my hair every day after I get up and leave it in there. :)

Hypothyroid gals know what I mean when I say my hair thinned and turned to straw from the disease, and so it needs gentle care and loads of moisture. I have a lot less hair than I used to. Dang you, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis!

Here's pics of the blown-out Princess, who will soon be reverting to her natural curls. She didn't use any gels, creams, leave-ins or serums. My hair, essentially product free:

I'll do a protein treatment and deep condish to nurture it after the blow-drying trauma and back to my regularly scheduled curls, as in these pics from earlier this year:

Since I had no electricity and couldn't fix my eggs, I headed to the bagel place after my hair appt. I had eggs scrambled with spinach and mushrooms, some bacon, coffee, lots of water, and asked her to bag up the bagel (comes with eggs) and potatoes for hubby. He may not want either, but hey, I paid for 'em, so they're coming home for him or the trash.

I got so much hoopla at both the salon and the bagel place. I hadn't been to either in 3 months, so I've had more losses. :) Like 27 pounds more. I kept getting fussed over, complimented. I was a bit embarrassed, but it still was a glowing feeling mixed in with the embarrassment. :) The waitresses started talking to me about their losses and food issues (one lost 80+ and the other 50+ and she's an OA member).

I kept hearing, "transformation" and "makeover" and "look younger" and "look great" at both the salon and the restaurant. It's encouraging. I have a ways to go, so being cheered on is a good thing.

And to all who cheered me on here, complimented me, and made me feel like a REAL Princess, thank you. Thanks so much!

Well, since I didn't get my usual 1 hour Pilates, I'm gonna have to figure out another way to ramp up some activity here at home. I feel out of sorts when I don't get my good trainer-facilitated workout. My joints and body always feels so energized and GOOD after Pilates... Oh, and I lost my trainer fee. The policy is 24 hours for cancellation. Gee, thanks, FPL, for not giving ME warning!


I'll leave ya with two pics, one of me and one of my hubby, before our walk last evening. My hair is gunky and damp (it was dirty, and I like to wet my hair before walking to help keep me cool). Notice the TUCKED IN top. ; )  I am still fat, but hey, I have a waist:

Gunky Hair and 198.0 lbs May 18, 2011

Sweet Honeypie o' mine at 170 lbs who needs posture work. Computer hunch, begone!

Still in Onederland: Some Pics from Today's Walk on Overcast Day...

If you watched the April 21 episode of BONES, when the quirky Finder dude (can't wait for that show to premiere) is consulting with the clergyman in that pillared stone gallery and courtyard, that's the Spanish Monastery (the oldest building in the US, given it's from the 1100s and brought , dismantled from Europe to the US by William R. Hearst, reassembled right here). It's a lovely spot for an afternoon of meditation, walking the small garden or sitting in the sunny courtyard surrounded by ancient stones. One of my fave places in the city. Nice little chapel for a service on a Wednesday morning.

Anyway, it was overcast, but we went for a walk. Decided to take a longer route, so we headed to the Monastery. Took some pics of me in a light shirt--shows my bulging back fat in my new wire-free bra that's 40DD. I'm  at my Onederland weight: 199.8

Here ya go:

Monastery, torches in garden, and Me at the Gate..wedding going on inside...

Hearing the Wedding March played made me smile...

Walking to Monastery Gate...torches for wedding in progress...

Side View--wind in my hair...and droopy pannus in my pants!

Praise be to God for Feeling GOOD!

Hubby, who has leaned the bod eating less starch/sugar and more meat and fat. :)

My Toots with St Francis at the Monastery Gate (sooo cute!)

Day 45 of Phase 5: Cheap, but Cute, Workout Wear For Those Changing Size Every Month or Two....

First off: I strongly believe that having fun workout wear that makes you feel able to move and makes you feel NOT HOMELY helps motivate you to work out. On days I feel cute in my workout wear, I can exercise harder.

I don't know why that is? If it's the same thing that makes tea tastes better in a lovely cup than in styrofoam. :)

Don't wear all ratty stuff. Put on lip gloss. Put on nice comfy workout clothes. And you can take on the fitness ball with finesse.

Anyway...

I got sick of paying the higher price for quality workout wear that then would be baggy in a couple months. I've retired to many $30, $40, and up items after too few wears.  Annoying and a waste of moolah.

I decided to get some cheapo stuff at WalMart. It didn't matter if it couldn't hold up to many washes. I didn't intend to fit into them for too long...

I actually LIKE their DanskinNow line. So far, everything has been comfy and less than 15 bucks, some less than 10 bucks. Now, that's more like it.

Here is a blue top I wore walking yesterday:

Danskin Now Top from WalMart

I love the blue. I like the side white strip that's slimming. I like the black pattern that adds interest. It's comfy. Holds the puppies nicely snug. It's a racer-back style, so if you need mobility in the arms/shoulders (like for Pilates or weight training), here ya go.

This one's in the XL (16-18) size. The capris are a pair from Old Navy online, their plus line, in 1x. Not too pricey. I prefer the capris from regular Danskin Plus online (oh, man, they last and last and take washing after washing), but while I'm in the losing phase, it's time to be realistic. If it's only gonna fit properly for a couple months....well...you know...it's now Danskin Now for me. WalMart is not a place I used to shop but rarely, but as long as I'll get my workout stuff there, they'll see more of me.

You can see a snack on the table..a bowl of blueberries. And, hey, Beth! If you're reading this, check out the WWII print tea towel on the table (using it as a mini-tablecloth while I eat on it). It's not that clear in this pic, but there it is, under my small white squared-off bowl of blueberries....

TJ Maxx is also a place to check out for good quality name brands in workout wear in some larger sizes (not supersized big, but maybe up to XXL).

After I woke up today (no makeup, didn't do anything to my hair, so be forewarned), I decided to try on some of those TJ Maxx outfits I bought nearly a month ago. Needed a bit more loss to fit back then. Now, I can wear them. Beware, the following photos show a fat,middle-aged woman's midsection sans covering. And I'm wearing no undies, it's just pure fat under there. Well, and some Pilates muscles. :D

These I got at TJ Maxx, discounted, good brands. I also got that top with the long belled sleeves in my "Progress Bit by Bit" in the left upper sidebar. They're all workout pants. I didn't take pics of all of them (the grey and black bootcuts), but these are form fitting, so they show some progress waist-wise and hip-wise, and they unfortunately show my hanging pannus (the apronlike droop of belly that morbidly obese folks, especially apple-shaped ones, do get). I hate it, and I'm hoping with more weight loss and exercise, it won't vex me so much. Ultimately, I might need surgery. I'll think about that at the right time (ie, 2 years after goal weight to give skin time to tighten a bit if it will).

First, these, where I looove the little peep of turquoise on the waistband:

Nice turquoise accent! Notice price tags...

Mondetta Performance Gear capri leggings

I like having a waist. :D I hate having the big belly. I'd rather have that fat on my BUTT! I would have to be the Latina with a flattish butt. How unfair.

Marika Balance Collection Capris with floral detail. Price tags dangling...$15...

I like having ankles not swollen like water balloons. :) And shapelier calves. Thanks, Pilates!

Okay, the following ones are HARD to post. the fabric is lighter, the fit is snugger, and the cut is lower, so it exposes some less than lovely bits. Without undies, some camel toe going on. Urk. I need to get some low cut undies to wear with these babies. These are Nike Dri-Fit. Really sturdy feeling, smooth fabric. Got em for $20. A steal imo for that quality fabric. Will take a lot of washing, I think. The band matches my old sports bra that I'm wearing (that one's years old and used to be super snug and higher on me. It's looser and lower now, obviously.

Too low cut to wear OUT. For home workouts...

The droopy pannus is clear here.

Pannus on display above!  Imagine how much MORE awful that would all be without nearly 3 years of Pilates strengthening my core. Eek!  Cautionary tale for the younger, not yet crazy obese among you: Don't get morbidly obese. Your skin can't take it. It will droop. And it will NOT be pretty.

Anyway, I'm glad I can buy off the rack now. Easier. Hitting WalMart and TJ Maxx when I need something to walk/exercise in or just go casual in makes life easier.

Where do you get your workout gear? Anyone have good underwear suggestions for those lower cut capris for me? I'm used to using briefs (microfiber) from Avenue or Lane Bryant, and now I have to start thinking "normal" store undies, I guess. :)

Day 44 of Phase 5: Fighting the Hatsume Bloat, Pics--including me and my Baggier Clothes, Feeling Energetic and Joyful, And Recommending the Transformative Blog Series...because the Transformation Inside is Essential....

I refuse to get on the scale. I'm still bloated from the insane amounts of sodium I consumed at the Hatsume Festival and in my Turkish Salad when we ate out Sunday night.

Between the soy sauce, teriyaki sauce, and feta cheese, my kidneys are creaking and the bags under my eyes are undesirable. The heat rash is also not all that becoming, but it's the price I pay for extended exposure to the sunlight in warm weather. I got a horrible case last summer (required steroid shot and cream), but it was worth it for the loads of fun we had.

Making sure I get my fruit in for the potassium. Making sure I do no skimping on water. Making sure I move to keep the blood pumping and filtering. I don't want to screw up my weigh-in cause I'm a Bloatball.

Here are a few pics of the lovely Sunday out (first the Hatsume--meaning "First Bud" --Festival at the Morikami Japanese Gardens) then at the broadwalk on Hollywood Beach to see the Supermoon rise....

My Beloved with the koi pond and well-tended foliage

I had a tough time finding something suitable (and cool enough, as it was in the 80s) to wear. My bed was piled with stuff too baggy to be comfy or flattering. I wanted something floral to represent spring, and I was down to only 3 tops that still sorta fit. One had longer sleeves and was less cool, one was sleeveless and my batwings would have been horridly on display. I went with the one that had a kimono vibe and was slightly baggy, but doable. The new jeans were already too loose in the thighs (though the waist fit okay, which was important and my pants falling is NOT an option).

Here's a pic of my clothes NOT fitting me right (which also makes you look FATTER, in case you didn't know. Well-fitting clothes, snugger in spots, gives you shape. This makes me shapeless. Ugh. Behold:

Ill-fitting clothes, but hey, I'm still HAPPY! And I adore my red Lucky bag...

Lots of nice trees. I saw this beautiful green on one young tree and asked hubby to take a pic. A fresh green that meant "spring" to me:

The baggy top that makes my boobs look enormous and the fresh green leafy tree...

My Sweetie and the Orange Supermoon over the Atlantic

Me, the surf,  and the Supermoon around 10pm

That's me at 10pm. After getting 6 hours sleep and being on my feet since noon. Look at my face. I may be a bit tired, but I'm not dead with exhaustion. Not after walking for 5 hours at the Hatsume Festival, then walking 2.5 hours on the broadwalk. I can still go for more...

 I can assure you, that I would have pooped out long before this before last fall. I would have not been able to do half this much when I was 280 and 300 lbs. I simply did not have the energy and if I stood on my feet more than an hour, my feet and ankles would blow up like balloons. I would pass out.

Okay, so you see, I had a good time doing stuff I could not do morbidly obese. At least, not do as long or with as much joy and energy.


Getting lighter and fitter means we can have MORE fun. :) That matters, right?

Now, on to a recommended blog series: If you aren't familiar with REFUSE TO REGAIN blog and the book by that name, I recommend both. Very helpful. Very tip-savvy. I got the book (which is aimed at those MAINTAINING their weight losses) because I intend to become a maintainer (and to some extent, already am, cause I've been losing and not regaining for a while now). The insight in what it takes to MAINTAIN a loss is key to all "losers." Do yourself a favor. Follow the blog. Get the book. :)

The blog has begun a series by Dr. Barbara Berkeley on TRANSFORMATIVE PRINCIPLES and the first entry is up. READ IT HERE.


I totally believe it is about transforming inside, not just out. All my other efforts were so episodic and brief and inconsistent and lacking in inner change. But the last 4 years of weight loss blogging were this sort of fertile ground that gave me input, input, trial and error, input, and hope. And when it clicked and the transformation began inside for real, then I saw results outside.

It's a process for sure. But I feel different..and I don't mean energy levels, size, etc. I mean...how I see food, how I see the bigger picture of eating...I'm not cured of wanting to overeat and eat bad stuff...but I am so much more sane. No binge in more than 9 months. Who'd a thunk it?

Well, the landscape in my interior is like a garden that's finally coming into a green as fresh as the one in that pic above. It makes me happy.

Be well...eat well....move soundly...believe in change...believe....and keep fighting the fat!

Night Cravings, Water Woes, Spring Festival and SuperMoon: Day 42 of Phase 5

I have happy plans for the day. It will make managing water trickier (cause I hate "pee urgency" when I'm out and about and in places where it's gonna be restaurants or port-a-potties, ugh).

Yesterday was the first time I got "night munchies" in ages. I know exactly why, too. Salty lunch with some starch. I ormally reserve whatever starch I'm gonna have to dinner, then I'm asleep if I get the munchies, so who cares. Starch at lunch: problemo. I will not be repeating that today.

Last night, I just wanted this, wanted that. It was bad. Not as out of control as I used to be, but a little taste of the insanity that got me to 300 lbs. So, today, the leash is back on the starches and on ME.

Breakfast: egg whites and papaya with lime.

Lunch: a salad and whatever lean protein I can find at the Japanese Spring Festival (Hatsume).

Dinner: leftovers at home, unless we stay later at the beach to see the supermoon...then prolly a Greek salad at the Turkish place or...dunno. Will cross that bridge..when the bridge is there to be crossed.

Water is my concern. Must have it, gotta see how to keep my bladder in check.

So, wishing you a great Sunday and one without cravings, cause they suck.

I leave you with a blurryish camera pick of me under the Supermoon last night in my new hoodie (cheapo WalMart one, as I refuse to pay a lot for clothes in the losing stage. I've run through so many I only wore a couple times I got tired of it.) I have about 3 workable outfits at the moment. HAHAHAHAH. And one dress for "just in case". This is one--Danskin bootcut pants, long sleeved top, short-sleeved hoodie.  The pic is right before the munchies hit. I don't look demon-possessed, right? Right? ; )

Me and the SuperMoon

Later...

How Many Of Y'all Have Loose Wedding Rings? :) A Pic of Mine on Wrong Finger...

When I got married, I wore a size 6.5 wedding ring. I had to have it cut off my finger when I got to 230 lbs. At 299 lbs, I wore a size 9 to 9.5. I got two new rings to wear--one yellow gold with a Celtic pattern and one white gold. Both size 9. Both too large now.

Here am I last night at the Japanese restaurant (sipping one of three cups of green tea I downed) with my wedding ring on the middle finger (where it's been resting for a few months now)~~~~~~~~~>

White Gold wedding ring on Middle Finger. Oops!

I hope to wear my original wedding ring one day.

And I need to stop being lazy and get me some ring guards!

If you found a really good brand of ring guards, drop me a comment, would ya? Most of the ones I saw at amazon.com had lousy reviews...so I put it off....

A Few Pics from Feb and March--Sugar Free, Low Cal "Birthday Cake", Fort Lauderdale Beach, Yesterday at Starbucks.. AKA PROGRESS: What 218 Pounds Looks Like On Me!

I like to upload pics to this blog to document my progress. The previous progress post (with pics) is HERE. It has links to earlier phases of my body's transformation.


As my regular readers may recall, I had a health-oriented birthday party and no traditional birthday cake. My middle sis did bring a sugar-free angel food cake with sugar free whipped topping and fresh strawberries, so we'd have something for the candle and kids. :)

I did not miss cake, cookies or crap. At all. Food was nourishing, tasty, and low cal. Lots of veggies and fruit. AND.... I had good weight loss that week, too. :)

Here's a birthday shot with "cake" where I'm 222 lbs:

Princess Dieter's Sugar-Free Birthday Cake Alternative

Feb 28 on the Fort Lauderdale Beach strip made famous by WHERE THE BOYS ARE in 1960. Elbo room is nearby. Lovely day. We went to the museum exhibit of Vatican Splendors and then ate beachside (on plan). Walked a bunch, too. I wore sneakers, natch. Any opportunity to move, and this means I wear sneakers a lot more than what was my usual going-out footwear (comfy sandals). I'm becoming sneakers addicted.

Me , my sneaks, & a wood sculpture of a Native American on Ft. Lauderdale strip.

Yesterday at Starbucks. I reserved some calories for a treat--half and half in my cinnamon iced coffee. Empty calories, but it satisfies enough that I don't feel deprived and don't have crap. Not a daily thing, but I love it. And I like looking smaller, though the big belly is still vexing. Hope to see that baby gone by year's end! (Well, I will likely need a tummy tuck, cause my pannus is horrid, but that I'd put off and save for.)

Mmm...Coffee...Fewer Unhealthful Lbs, More Natural Curls!

That above is me at roughly 218 lbs. Compare to this in 2008 at about 278:

A bit after starting Pilates...Huge! But Game! And Hopeful!

Guess at which weight I'm happier and more energetic? Even if OLDER? :)

I want to spend health-filled years with this sweetiepie o' mine:

The Princess and her Prince, Ft Lauderdale Beach

So, yeah, progress. Onward to goal!

(Oh, and if you haven't read the regular post for the day, see it below. I don't much double-post these days, but, hey, felt like it. Later, gotta go walk....)

Day 16 of P5: Thank you for birthday wishes; ASICS rocks! And it was a nice break from over-internetting; typing hurts; and realizing a shift in daily attitude and habits are actually entrenching....

Tanita-san: 220.6

I had weighed in on  Sunday at a rounded 222 (rounded up from 221.6).

To all the lovely folks and pals who dropped by here and on FB to wish me happy birthday, I thank you. I truly believe that well-wishes and good thoughts and prayers and blessings exert a powerfully good effect on those upon whom good is wished. So, thank you, thank you!

This weekend was full of fun and the weather was great for me turning 51. My family did not sabotage my birthday party. The food was wholesome: roasted pork tenderloin, shredded chicken breast in a light tomato sauce, brown rice,  arugula and romaine salads, broccoli slaw, fresh fruit salad (just chunks of various fruits), homemade tzatziki made from low-fat Greek yogurt, herbs, garlic, cucumber with strips of orange peppers, baby carrots, sliced cucumbers for dipping. And low-carb ww pitas for those inclined. I took a box of handmade, fresh, dark chocolates for everyone to share as dessert, enough for two pieces per person.

I had asked for no birthday cake (you know, the sugary, calorie-rich frosted stuff). My middle sis did bring a cake (which the kids appreciated, cause they were stunned there was no cake with candles). Sis got a sugar-free angel food cake, sugar free whipped topping, and berries. It was amazingly low-cal substitute for a traditional birthday cake.

I took two bags of my don't-fit-anymore clothes to give away.

And I had to go shopping twice. There may not have been a big  poundage drop in the last 2 weeks...but I kept having trouble finding stuff to wear. I pulled out shirt and top after shirt and top and it was all baggy. Even stuff I bought not that long ago. My lowest size jeans I got in December (buying a size lower for future use) needed a belt. So, I went and got  3 pairs in 18/20 at Avenue (along with some 14/16 camisoles). Then yesterday, we went to TJ Maxx to get stuff for hubby...and I realized I might be able to find stuff that fits. (I never could before). Got a couple tops (that fit now in XL and XXL) and some workout pants in XL that are too small now but should fit in a month or so. Cheaper than catalogs!

I had the same issue some other challengers have had: I keep reaching for a larger size than I need. I now know I actually AM DOWN a size, so I need to shop accordingly. I'm using the smallest sizes at Avenue now and in the Old Navy Plus size section (1x), so soon I will start seeing what other "regular" stores have to offer...

I will say I got so many comments and amazed looks at my party. I'm still not used to that. A couple folks hadn't seen me since Christmas Eve, so I guess that's about 15 pounds gone since then.

Anyway, if you overpronate and have troublesome joints, try ASICS. I am having happy feet with my ASICS, three pairs so far, not all the same style,  and now it's my fave sports shoes. I used to be a total New Balance and Brooks lines aficionado...but dang if ASICS 2160  just blew them outta the water. Oh, man. Sweet!

Taking time away from blogging and mega-internetting was good. Head feels...settled. I don't feel overloaded. I may do that periodically.

Ow...it hurts to type. I have an infection on my L index fingertip, and every keystroke with that bandaged digit is an ouchie.

What doesn't hurt and is very nice, indeed, is realizing this weekend, where we went out and ate out and had a party and I never felt like a food-freak out of control, that it's nice to wake up and feel like I won't blow it.

Doesn't mean I won't....but I never consistently had this, "I will get through another day and not let food own me" attitude and feeling. I thanked God for it. It's so...freeing. Like I don't have to fear every temptation...cause I can say no better, easier, less painfully.

I still have to plan, think, shop, assess, and strategize dinners out...but it's easier and more natural to do it now. There are simply things I cannot buy at Publix and things I cannot order in restaurants. And to focus on what I can buy and can order....it makes decisions easier.  I am not perfect and I sometimes do screw up. But I screw up... A LITTLE. Not ogre-sized screw-ups. I might mess up 100, maybe 150 cals. I don't mess up 1000, 2000, or Lord Help Me, 3000 + like I have too often in the past.

You know what? It's easier to correct for small screw-ups, small indulgences. It's REALLY HARD to correct for binges, for the ogre-sized, for the dragon-deluxe messes.

Being in a zone where the mess is more manageable than ever in the last 20 years...there are no words for how liberating that is.

However, I know I can't think of slacking. That's a slippery slope. The allowances I made, smaller ones, for my birthday party is/was a treat. I kept it a wholesome party, but it was still a celebration. I still loosened up that rope some. And it's time to take back the slack and be vigilant and do what we're required to do on this challenge.

I find that consistency makes consistency easy. In the beginning of these challenges, being consistent was crazy hard, but the effort to be so eventually made consistency a bit easier. Every week of living with sound food boundaries makes the boundaries easier.

I wonder if this is in part why staying at goal weight and maintaining 5 years means you have a greater chance to stay there for life? Because week in and week out for year after year, those habits are more and more deeply entrenched, become automatic, the limitations become a safety zone (rather than a shackle) mentally.

Well, I want a safety zone. On my own, I get to 300 pounds and would go beyond. I want the boundaries and the habits of food strategy. I don't want to ever think again, "Oh, it's my birthday, and I can eat anything I want and how much I want." Then, oh, it's the kiddo's birthday, I can eat...oh, it's Christmas, I can eat anything and...oh, it's my niece's wedding, I can...

I want a different mindset. I wanna think, "Oh, it's my birthday, what active and health-inducing thing can I add to my celebrations." (This year, it was jumping rope. Next year, if we can afford it, I want to arrange a taiko drumming workshop for the fam/kids or maybe a self-defense one.)

It's better to look forward to DANCING THE NIGHT AWAY at a wedding rather than eating it away.....VOLLEYBALLING at a beach outing rather than basting and snacking....yes.....!  It's better to get the kids excited about canoeing at the park than about scarfing down huge plates of BBQ and boxes of cookies there. Why set kids up for wanting crap like we do? New traditions....for everyone...is not a bad thing. :)

This year, my birthday party marked my new tradition. No more crap-laden birthdays. Some treats, fine. But mostly good, wholesome, nourishing, lower-caloric foods. The tradition began THIS YEAR....and I plan to make it my new tradition. For hubby, too. I want him to be healthy and gorgeous right into his retirement years.

And what did we do besides jump roping? I bought a medicine ball and hubby and I threw it around Friday and Saturday. 10 pound medicine ball.

Every little bit counts...every little positive bit adds to the positive...

Anyway, that was my birthday weekend--new traditions, new exercise equipement, new clothes....cause I want a new life. :)

Later. Be well...I will catch up on my fave blogs over the next couple days (since my car is in the shop due to some jerk messing the doors up while I was out on errands Friday). Hope things are well with my fellow fatfighters!

Not Day 33 of P4 Challenge: Appt with Dietitian, The Change of Mindset She Noticed and I Notice, Chat with Waitress, Bright COLORFUL Top and Lipstick, Happy Curls....and date night's a coming!

Today's weigh-in at home was 225.2. At the R.D.'s: 225.0

I had lost 4.5 lbs since my appt with her 2 weeks ago. That's par for me. At 1200 calories (sometimes less, not often a bit more), I lose 2 lbs a week, maybe 2 and a scosh if I have a lot of under days in that week. I know others at that caloric range with regular exercise lose faster, but that's how my wonky, hypothyroidic, insulin-resisstant body rolls.

And 2 lbs a week is great. It means I can lose 100 in a year at that rate. And I don't need to lose 100 anymore. I realized this lately as I still get email from the Blog to Lose group for those needing to lose 100+ lbs. I'm not longer one seeking that kind of loss, not after a 74 lb loss. I want to get to 160--more or less, I'm not like fanatical on the number, it's just a goal right now, and it's not even a skinny goal--and that's 65.2 lbs away. I have less to lose than I have lost. I like that asymmetry. My brain says: "If you can lose 74, you can lose 65."

The dietitian was thrilled. Lost 1% of fat in those two weeks. My motivation is still high. She says I am inspiring ad she asked me if I'd consider being a motivational speaker at one of the dietitian conferences. I said if local, sure. :) She said I ought to write a book. I said, "Well, I need to get to goal and stay there for a while before I can do that. I don't want to be one of those folks who loses a bunch of weight, gets a book contract, writes it, releases it, and then regains a bunch of weight." I've been reading blogs and books about MAINTAINING weight loss s (not that there are that many books, mind you. But there are blogs of successful maintainers.

There is no fricken point in losing the weight if you can't keep it off, I figure. So, I started trying to get into the brain/habits/journey of maintainers last summer. I realize that "dieting" doesn't end. Maintaining is like being on a lifelong diet. If I can't tolerate eating, say, 1400 or 1500 calories for life, there is no point. None. Might as well stay fat. Because to lose it just to regain would depress me no end.

I look at the 1200 plan as a sort of bootcamp. If I can do 1200 and learn to be satisfied with this much less, learn the tricks of assuaging appetite and dealing with cravings and saying no to seconds, and portion control, then going up to 1400 or 1600 will seem like heaven. It's another snack or a bigger dinner.  I've done several 1000 calorie and 900 calorie days without much hunger. I think of it as training for a life of eating much less than my obese, out of control self wants to. I have read and researched as if I was getting yet another college degree. I want epiphany after epiphany.

Is it easy. Hell no. Just getting into regular exercise (which I started to do in June of 2008) has been enlightening. I still don't WANT to get up and exercise. I do know that I feel so immensely better when I do, and I like the muscles under the skin, that it's a matter of reward. Heck, if I were rich, I'd have a trainer come six days a week and run me through an hour to an hour and a half of serious work-outing. :) But I don't have that moolah. I'd do it, though. The rewards are tangible.  Want multiple orgasms? Get that pelvic floor work done in Pilates. Your G spot will go insane. I kid you not. :D That's ONE benefit. Just one.

So, I'm not the gung-ho lemme do sit ups kind of gal. I am the "Okay, this sucks, but you know you'll feel better when it's done. You'll feel like a champ. So do it!"  I may take an hour or two to talk myself into it, but I'm learning to that more times a week, and that's all it takes. Consistency and lifelong adherence Like dieting: It's for life if you've been obese. For life. Or it comes back.

I don't want to waste this effort. I'm terrified of going back. So, I tell myself--this is it. Can you eat thi way for life? And I say:"I'm going to. That's it. I'm going to."

Resolution doesn't come easy for me, but if there isn't commitment, there's failure. I'm smart enough to know that there's no magic. It's just deciding there is no other option. Do it. Stay fat. Do it. Stay fat. Only choices.

I've had two folks this week tell me I should go on Dr. Oz or "TV" and I say, "Well, lots of weight loss stories out there. I'm not at goal and I haven't maintained. So, why should I go on tv. I want to see people who kept it off 5 years, 10 years, 15 years, not the person who just lost it last week."

When I maintain: Then I can boast. When I've maintained: Then I get my reward trip to Tuscany. :D

If I don't have to spend the moolah tucking the tummy. Weeeeeellllll.....

Anyway, had a spinach and mushroom egg white frittta, minimal oil, as per my request, lowfat swiss, coffee, a couple tablespoons of grits for flabor, then set it aside, as I don't need to starch it up. The waitress and I got talking. She lost 82 lbs, regained a bunch, is out to lose again. We sort of commisserated about our stress-emo-eating tendencies. Chatted about food, healthier eating. Was nice to know another journey-sharer. She made sure my omelette was as dry of oil as possible--a dieting waitress knows the score. :) Lots of spinach. Yum.

I'm wearing more color these days. At 299 pounds, at 279, 250, you still wanna hide. I'm still severely obese, but I feel confident enough to want to wear color. Today, a magenta top and magenta lipstick and very perky happy curls. I felt cute. :D Middle-aged, fat, cute. :D

Which is good as hubby will be home soon and it's off to our date night. I intend to get lotsa smooching and laughing done.

I already called that restaurant with the amazing grilled romaine (with balsamic). If the show ends early enough, we'll hit it for a late supper. I'm skipping a full lunch and just doing fruit and protein snack to cover me until we're able to dine. Water, decaf, small snack....and then tell the stomach to shut the F up until I have time to feed it. :D

Anyway, yesterday I ended at well under 1200 calories, exercises as already posted, and my mood is...GREAT. I've been singing in the car, at CVS, in the restaurant, in the parking lot.

Phase 5 is almost here. Remember to send your weigh-ins to Allan. I'm sending mine tomorrow so I don't forget or sleep late and miss it Sunday. I want us to really shine and do well--all of us--and be healthier and happier and have great Big Os and walk without pain and huffing and puffing and go up stairs without dying from being unfit and all the other good things that come from eating properly and moving soundly.

Let's be well together!!!!!

Later...I gotta iron something pretty for date night.

Day 30 of Phase 4 Challenge: Where I'm back after just not feeling the blogging mojo, where salt is siren calling, where I distract myself with hot J-Rock , and where I offer pics of my weekend outings and my body at 226!!

Tanita-san: 226.2

A bit of stasis.

I've been hitting the salty foods a lot since Saturday evening, and it always has this effect. Affects the scale. Affects appetite: yeah, it does. Don't know about you, but when I have multiple salty things, I get HUNGRIER, so it's time to ease back and fast. I was VERY VERY VERY hungry last night, and I didn't like that at all. It was hard to say no. I was in a fight for hours with my appetite.

Yesterday:
Calories: 1273
Exercise: Pilates with trainer, walking (25 mins)
Mood: still lethargic, energy a bit low
Hunger:Crazy later in the day (but higher than last week all weekend)

I am not happy that the appetite is back, but I'll hit the decaf tea and coffee and keep the tummy warm and filled as best I can until the low appetite returns.

Energy was great Saturday and Sunday for parts of the day (low on others), but yesterday I woke up feeling like I needed more sleep. (And I have been sleeping more, 10 and 12 hours sometimes). Usually I'd think thyroid...but I'm pretty sure it's not that. We'll see.

Today, I woke up after sleeping 11 hours, and I'm mellow. Hunger has been quieter. Don't feel like exercising....but I'll do something. Will force myself.

I've had to distract my appetite. Here's one example of a distraction:



If you like anime, you may recognize the song as the opening theme for TRINITY BLOOD. It's one of my fave J-Rock tunes, originally released 1993 by Buck-Tick, whose lead singer, Sakarai Atsushi is one of the most beautiful J-Rockers ever, and he's not young anymore in this video. The band began in the early 80s. This is actually footage from an Abingdon Boys School concert, one of my fave JRock bands, and Takanori (lead singer) has a great voice. But no one sings "Doresu"(DRESS) like Sakurai-san. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.  Love this performance. Gave me chills!

If ya wanna see a nice performance when he was younger and had the long, flowing, black, silky hair ....here ya go.   So beautiful. Makes me woozy.

The weekend was great, btw. Hubby and I had a date night both evenings, Saturday  in Coral Gables. Since I needed to get in a walk--well, I had done more than my minimum 4 days walking, but wanted to do more--so we walked 30 minutes (we both wore sneakers, so it was fine) before choosing an outdoor cafe for supper.

Sunday, we went to Bayside at the MiaMarina, took a night sightseeing cruise (it was soo nice and cool), danced to a live band at the bayfront, then had supper at Hard Rock Cafe. I appreciated the waitress being so nice about my specs--you know the drill if you low-carb or diet: little to no oil, dressing on side, no tortillas, etc. Lots of decaf and water. We walked a lot there, too, as parking was at the other end from where Hard Rock. Probably 20 mins of walking.

Interesting personal note: Where HRC is now used to be, in the early 80s, an upscale eatery called Reflections on the Bay. Hubby and I got engaged there in '82. We told the hostess and she got us a table at windowside (the only one!) and we had a view of the bay a bit different (Bayside wasn't the bustling tourist/nightlife place it is now) from our younger dating days. But it was romantic all the same. Reflections on the Bay had large windows all with views out to the water....so nice.... Gosh, time flies....

Pics: First one, with very unflattering lighting, eesh, is a couple feet from where we sat outdoors for dinner with Coral Gables city hall lit up prettily behind me. We had a nice view of the sky, city hall, the one end of Miracle Mile with posh shops and lovely lights in the trees. It was damp and cool, but not unplesantly so.

One of Jimi Hendrix's surviving guitars (I guess a lot of them got immolated or shattered, hah.) Hard Rock Cafe on Sunday, natch:

I took body shots today, caue though the scale is the same as Friday, I "felt" different in the torso:

Hubby said to me on our date Sunday that he didn't think I looked as big as "226" lbs. Well, folks don't go around saying how much they weight to me to compare, but this is 226 on me. I wear 2x, some generous 1x, 20 and 22 sizes, and I've noticed some folks who weigh a lot more than me wear smaller sizes. So, you never know. Build matters.

Now to google if Genmaicha has carbs...cause I like it's grainy flavor. I like it enough to drink unsweetened, which is great. The box says no, but man, it really tastes like nuttry-grain. Mmm.

Off I go to resist the Demon of Sodium....

Happy Tuesday. Make it count for health!

Day 24 of Phase 4 Challenge: Yesterday's Particulars, Calm Mood Persists, Hot Cake Hankering, the Joy of a Flatter TumTum, the pain of hips that endured too much fat for too long....Litany for Fearful Overeaters (with apologies to Frank Herbert),

Scale: 227.4

Movement in right direction continues to cheer me.

Yesterday:
Calories: 1074
Exercise: walking (flaked on the strength ones, so must face them TODAY, scared of stairs)
Mood: very peaceful and content
Hunger: minimal

I'm less "high on happy", but still feeling good. It's a tranquil sort of happy. I'm moving slowly and with pondering. My pondering told me that hot cakes sounded good for breakfast.

Okay, I've been eating almost 100% clean--eggs, egg whites, veggies galore, some fruit, lean meats, cheese, nuts, Greek yogurt, water. The only "unclean stuff" was my sucralose and the occasional low-carb, low-sugar nibbly treat. Some days, not even a single sweet nibble.

My WonderSlim hot cakes are low cal, lower carb, higher protein, but not "clean". Didn't care. Wanted hot cakes. So, I made a smaller portion of egg whites and veggies and had my hot cakes and my java and water, and it was gooooooooooooooooooooooooooood. And I feel very satisfied. Fewer than 300 calories. :D

Sooooo....Yeah....backtrack: I liked waking up today. It was slow and easy and some trailing dreams lingering in my eyes as I opened them. Nice dreams. I felt my body, as I do when I wake up, and it felt...smaller. The belly felt flatter. Okay, liking it. I got up naked and went to the mirror. Yeah, looks flatter. Boobies look flatter, too, but not going there. Tranquil, tranquil....

I like how my hands can lay on my torso when I lay on my back (and yes, I'm back to sleeping in my fave position, thank you weight loss). It's not trying to stretch over the fat barrel of my torso. My hands were comby. My elbows flush on the mattress at my waist. It was nice. Real nice.

Then I thought about the strength exercises and shuddered a bit. I've been putting them off.

I've seen blog entries lately on fear--fear of failure, fear of socializing, fear of dating, fear of one's own fat body, fear of the future.

I'm a champ at fear. I am a worry wart, an anxious Annabella. I have sabotaged myself over and over out of assorted fears, including fear of failure.

I almost didn't join the P4 challenge out of fear of 1200 calories and the exercises we'd have to do. Seriously, how defective am I?

I'm no longer afraid of 1200 calories, as I barely make it some days and don't even bother to try and make it others when eating has no allure.

Exercise is still a fear-generator. I have discovered that my hips are WORSE than I realized. My knees and right ankle--I knew those were crap, especially the L unstable knee. And while after age 49, I noticed increasing aches in my right hip, since losing weight and beginning walking and doing squats, I have come to the realization that my hips are really not so good. I have more mobility there since the fat has moved out of the way to some degree. (I have a lot less thigh and hip and pubic fat.)

My hips hurt EVERY DAY. When I walk, the first few minutes are painful, then things ease up.

I think the thing that may have happened (and this will be another subject to discuss with my ortho come the future appointment I will make when I'm ready to ratchet up activity and see if my knee has a fix) is that I damaged those hips through nearly 20 sedentary years. Years of sitting with little movement. Years of fat causing pressure on those joints--and abdominal obesity like mine has to be hard on that area, has to be! Years of deforming movement requiring the hips to be a way that's unnatural, unintended.

Well, the damage is done. But the fear remains. So, I brought back an old habit of mine from my teen years (when I was more risk-taking than now). I brought back the Litany of Fear.

Did you catch that reference? No??

Pity. You've missed one of the grandest reading experiences science fiction has to offer. My fave sci-fi novel: DUNE. I have read it at least 14 to 16 times since I was 16...the age at which I discovered it and my passion for this genre.

Here is the Litany of Fear, a chant used by characters to calm and center themselves when they were in dire situations:

"I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing...... Only I will remain."

 

I wish I had heeded this message fully when I was younger. I might have accomplished a lot more of what I wished to in life had I not been crippled by self-doubt, insecurity,  and fear.

One could easily rewrite it for a particular situation:

I will not fear lowering my calories...
I will face 1200 calories..
I will allow it to satisfy me, nourish me...
Where the extra calories and fear have gone, nothing will remain, only a slenderer me.


I will not fear stairwork....
Where the fear is gone, there will be nothing ...only I with stronger muscles.

I will not overeat.
Overeating is a mind and body killer.
Overeating is the little-death that brings the big-death sooner
I will allow the urge to overeat pass through me...
Only I will remain.


I will not fear the stressors and emotions that make me want to eat...
Stress is the mind killer....
I will let those feelings and fears and anxieties pass through me...
Only I, calm and centered and undefeated,  will remain.

Something like that.

This is part of my day today. Not fearing. Letting it pass through me. I will remain..and it will be a better, less anxious me. A stronger me.

I hope if you are, like me, one of those people riddled with self-doubt, fears, whatever: use the litany. If it  helps, why not?

And let's get over our fears --of giving up food luxuries for a while or forever, of moving a body that hasn't been used to movement of certain kinds (or any), of a changing body (not always for the best, as we saggy-skinners can attest post-weight loss), of a changing life.

Change can be scary. But change says LIFE. LIFE IS CHANGE. I wanna feel MORE alive.

Have a Well Wednesday. Eat soundly. Move . Drink clean water. Love yourself enough to change for health....