Day 50 of Phase 5: Where I Rant About My Defective Body and Early Envy of the Healthy, and Where I Progress to Make Peace and Vow to Good Stewardship of This Temple...and Where I Answer My Own Question about 3 Tips and Gift Basket For Obese Loved Ones/Friends Wanting to Lose Weight...

No scale today.

Asthma is acting up (yes, it began with 2 weeks of stuffier and stuffier nose and allergies and rashes, and now the spring pollen and mold assault has encroached on the bronchii). Pilates was tough, but we kept the pace slow enough that I didn't go into all-out attack. Sucks. But..hey, as long as I can breathe and am alive, I should not kvetch too much.

I think the reason it bothers me is that I exercise, eat beautifully, try to sleep restfully, de-stress my life as much as is possible without being comatose, don't abuse cigarettes, alcohol, drugs or sex. Do what I'm supposed to. But I can't do squat about what is genetically wrong with me.

It vexes me, yes, that this is out of my control. I was born defective; I'll die defective. I'll never EVER EVER know what it feels like to be a really healthy person.

Even as a kid, I was so envious it would drive me to near suicide that other kids could run and didn't have to carry wads of tissues in their pockets and bookbags, which inevitably ran out by lunchtime. Other kids didn't have to make sure they had pockets or purses to carry medicines and hankies. Other kids didn't have to worry when weather or seasonal changes came on. Other kids didn't have to routinely get shot up or hospitalized. Other kids didn't suffer debilitating depressions from age 8 on...though I didn't realize what it was until years and years later, when I understood wanting to kill yourself at age 8 and feeling blue as bruises periodically, in cycles,  for no reason is not  normal.

It pissed me off royally.

And in my teens and twenties and on, I'd get so angry at people who had vibrant health, who didn't worry that they could or could not breathe if they walked too fast or went past someone with strong perfume. Didn't have to sit somewhere else in church to avoid getting sick from residual smoke on a man's suit jacket of too much cologne on a woman's neck.

And when I was in the work force, worrying I'd be fired cause when my lungs took ill, I'd be out 2 weeks minimum at a stretch and have to bring in medical certification that I wasn't malingering. That I couldn't go camping with relatives. And on and on.

I used to tell healthy folks, who'd wake up and not have to give a care about what item they ate or what meds were in their pockets or what environment they had to avoid or how it was a fine day to just up and run around as much as they wished--don't take it for granted. I'd say that exactly: "you're blessed...don't take it for granted. That you can live without worrying if you'll suddenly seize up and not breathe...you're blessed."

It made me teeth-grinding furious when people with beautiful faces/bodies and profound health and excellently level moods sans depressive episodes did asinine crap like drunken binges, drug experimentation, promiscuous sex, , etc. How could my friends, these blessed ones, with clear skin, good eyes, fabulous health....risk damaging such a gift with quaaludes or coke or boozefests or one night stands or silly chicken-car-racing....

And there I was...envious and head-shakingly shocked they never understood what they had.....what a treasure.

So, I think part of my self-loathing and disdain of my body--which allowed me to get obese and not much care for ages about doing much about it--came from not being able to trust it. My eyes were bad (glasses at age 12). My skin was bad (rashes, eczema, then acne). My teeth were bad (stained from all those antibiotics in the tooth-formative years). My ankle was bad (severe fracture at age 5). And most of all, my immune system and respiratory system were bad.  My body was not trustworthy, and then I came to hate its weird shape (that was not gracefully feminine like my other sisters, who have different types from paternal side of family).

I am starting to make peace with my defective body. I want to take care of it, nurture it, make it more functional and attractive (though it's got so much irreversible damage, the level I can get to will never be..well...socially lauded). I want to stop damaging and hating it for being an enemy to me in so many ways since infancy. I remind myself it's also been a friend, allowing me to see, no matter how imperfectly, a beautiful world and the faces of the people I love. I can hear. I can walk. I can taste food. I can sing and feel the pleasure of it. I can dream. I can create.

It's nice to have a body.

Until the resurrection...I won't know what it's like to have a body that's completely free of...illnesses. Of defects. BUT....it's still entrusted to me, and though it's late in life, I am going to be a better steward.

Every Christian who deforms their body with overeating, drugs, self-mutilation, etc--that person is violating the good stewardship that God expects for all his gifts. Life and our bodies...like the Earth, is a gift, and we should take care of it. The body is, says the Word, a temple...the temple of God, each of us, individually. If I mistreat it, if I abuse it, God is not pleased.

I want God to be pleased with what I do with regard to my flesh...not just my spirit or mind or soul. I need to work on all of it. :)

Anyway, I had asked my lovely bloggy readers to respond to a question. Read it here in this post if you missed it. The comments were great. Very smart. Very useful. Read them if you are new to dieting/weight loss/fatfighting, and you want to get advice just on how to GET STARTED, get going, toward some success.

And here is how I'd respond:

Question One: 3 Tips for Getting Started
1. COMMIT FULLY AND WHOLEHEARTEDLY:  Commit to the reality and accept the tough but inevitable idea that you WILL HAVE TO GIVE STUFF UP. You will HAVE TO SACRIFICE SOME DEGREE, LARGE AND SMALL, OF FOOD RELATED PLEASURES AND COMFORTS FOR LIFE. It's not a temporary thing. A short-term fix. It's for life. Grasp that idea before embarking on the journey, then begin it with small steps that lead into the bigger steps (and everyone with half a brain knows the steps--eat less, move more, eat cleaner and more sound food, not junk and sugar and crap). But first, make the DECISION...or do what it takes to come to grasp that reality. That's numero uno.

2. BELIEVE FULLY and do what it takes to keep believing: If that means you have to scream affirmations into the morning wind, then do it. If it means tattooing "I Can Do It!"  onto your right forearm: do it. If it means leaving sticky notes all over to encourage you day and night. Do it. You will not keep moving past obstacles and temptations if you do not BELIEVE that you are capable of losing the weight, gaining the muscle, eating less, overcoming emotional eating, overcoming stress eating. BELIEVE YOU CAN DO THIS. Read blogs of successful losers/maintainers until you see yourself in their story. Read books of successful dieters. Read books of successful ANYTHING questers--mountain climbers, around-the-world sailors. DO WHAT IT TAKES TO KEEP FAITH AND HOPE ALIVE. Start a blog Join a challenge. Do not, not notnotnotnotnotnotnot lose faith in your ability. 

3. TRACK TO CALORIC LIMIT, THEN STOP EATING: Until you get to goal weight, choose a sane caloric level that will help you lose (and make it a lot less than what got you where you are) and track your food to stay within that level. Every morsel. Use a notepad. Use a computer. Use Sparkpeople. Use FitDay. Use whatever. But use something to account for points/calories. Naturally, then you stop eating when you reach your limit. PEOPLE LIE TO THEMSELVES. If you don't track every bite and spoonful and ounce (and a correlative of tracking is you must measure to know what to log/track), you will tell yourself "I didn't eat that much." Yes, you did. You got fat eating that much. I got fat eating THAT much. Don't lie. Track. It will open your eyes. And the online ones help you track nutrientes, so you know where you fall short (magnesium, iron, etc). And it will be stark evidence that you lean maybe (ahem, most likely, definitely) to unbalanced eating--too little protein, too many carbs, too much salt, not enough fiber,  etc.

If I had more tips to give, I'd move into actual nutrition and exercise tips and stuff. But I am strongly of the mind that if we commit, believe, and track...things will start to happen. Eyes will open. Hearts will fill up with faith.

Now, a gift basket, with at least 3 (or only 3) items to help folks who are morbidly obese on their journey.

I'd include:

1. THE END OF OVEREATING book
2. A printed list of online food trackers, youtube exercise videos, and weight loss sites/blogs with a note about how each can help.
3. A gift certificate for one pair of good walking shoes

If I was going to include more items, maybe a grocery list of "healthful diet staples" with a gift certificate to a farmer's market. Or a book of dieter's affirmations. Or more books I value. Or some good whey protein and recipes for breakfast smoothies. Or toning balls and resistance bands. Or exercise DVDs. Or a free pass for a week at a gym. Or a prepaid appt with a dietitian.

That's what I'd give if I was limited to 3, though. :)

Anyway, if you know someone who needs to and wants to get started, but just feels lost about how to get going...do read those comments and pass along this blog entry. Maybe this is what they need to see/read/do.

I have to go work on some fiction judging...see you guys tomorrow...be well...

Day 44 of Phase 5: Fighting the Hatsume Bloat, Pics--including me and my Baggier Clothes, Feeling Energetic and Joyful, And Recommending the Transformative Blog Series...because the Transformation Inside is Essential....

I refuse to get on the scale. I'm still bloated from the insane amounts of sodium I consumed at the Hatsume Festival and in my Turkish Salad when we ate out Sunday night.

Between the soy sauce, teriyaki sauce, and feta cheese, my kidneys are creaking and the bags under my eyes are undesirable. The heat rash is also not all that becoming, but it's the price I pay for extended exposure to the sunlight in warm weather. I got a horrible case last summer (required steroid shot and cream), but it was worth it for the loads of fun we had.

Making sure I get my fruit in for the potassium. Making sure I do no skimping on water. Making sure I move to keep the blood pumping and filtering. I don't want to screw up my weigh-in cause I'm a Bloatball.

Here are a few pics of the lovely Sunday out (first the Hatsume--meaning "First Bud" --Festival at the Morikami Japanese Gardens) then at the broadwalk on Hollywood Beach to see the Supermoon rise....

My Beloved with the koi pond and well-tended foliage

I had a tough time finding something suitable (and cool enough, as it was in the 80s) to wear. My bed was piled with stuff too baggy to be comfy or flattering. I wanted something floral to represent spring, and I was down to only 3 tops that still sorta fit. One had longer sleeves and was less cool, one was sleeveless and my batwings would have been horridly on display. I went with the one that had a kimono vibe and was slightly baggy, but doable. The new jeans were already too loose in the thighs (though the waist fit okay, which was important and my pants falling is NOT an option).

Here's a pic of my clothes NOT fitting me right (which also makes you look FATTER, in case you didn't know. Well-fitting clothes, snugger in spots, gives you shape. This makes me shapeless. Ugh. Behold:

Ill-fitting clothes, but hey, I'm still HAPPY! And I adore my red Lucky bag...

Lots of nice trees. I saw this beautiful green on one young tree and asked hubby to take a pic. A fresh green that meant "spring" to me:

The baggy top that makes my boobs look enormous and the fresh green leafy tree...

My Sweetie and the Orange Supermoon over the Atlantic

Me, the surf,  and the Supermoon around 10pm

That's me at 10pm. After getting 6 hours sleep and being on my feet since noon. Look at my face. I may be a bit tired, but I'm not dead with exhaustion. Not after walking for 5 hours at the Hatsume Festival, then walking 2.5 hours on the broadwalk. I can still go for more...

 I can assure you, that I would have pooped out long before this before last fall. I would have not been able to do half this much when I was 280 and 300 lbs. I simply did not have the energy and if I stood on my feet more than an hour, my feet and ankles would blow up like balloons. I would pass out.

Okay, so you see, I had a good time doing stuff I could not do morbidly obese. At least, not do as long or with as much joy and energy.


Getting lighter and fitter means we can have MORE fun. :) That matters, right?

Now, on to a recommended blog series: If you aren't familiar with REFUSE TO REGAIN blog and the book by that name, I recommend both. Very helpful. Very tip-savvy. I got the book (which is aimed at those MAINTAINING their weight losses) because I intend to become a maintainer (and to some extent, already am, cause I've been losing and not regaining for a while now). The insight in what it takes to MAINTAIN a loss is key to all "losers." Do yourself a favor. Follow the blog. Get the book. :)

The blog has begun a series by Dr. Barbara Berkeley on TRANSFORMATIVE PRINCIPLES and the first entry is up. READ IT HERE.


I totally believe it is about transforming inside, not just out. All my other efforts were so episodic and brief and inconsistent and lacking in inner change. But the last 4 years of weight loss blogging were this sort of fertile ground that gave me input, input, trial and error, input, and hope. And when it clicked and the transformation began inside for real, then I saw results outside.

It's a process for sure. But I feel different..and I don't mean energy levels, size, etc. I mean...how I see food, how I see the bigger picture of eating...I'm not cured of wanting to overeat and eat bad stuff...but I am so much more sane. No binge in more than 9 months. Who'd a thunk it?

Well, the landscape in my interior is like a garden that's finally coming into a green as fresh as the one in that pic above. It makes me happy.

Be well...eat well....move soundly...believe in change...believe....and keep fighting the fat!

Day 2 of P4 DDDY Challenge: Where I Get A Wonderfully Surprising Award and My Dorky Aesop's Fable Analogy, the Absolute Need to BELIEVE YOU CAN Do IT, The Faith of Others as Motivation, Some Key Points from a Book on Procrastination, and Where I am Not Freaking..Yay! And Finally: Feeling your Quads and Glutes Yet? Heh...

LOOKEE WHAT I GOT:

Now, I've gotten nice bloggy awards before, both on Once Upon a Diet (my original weight loss blog that I created in May of 2007) and this one. Always nice when someone gives you a goodie like that, isn't it?

But I will be honest. Allan's award is the most astonishing one, cause, well, as I said in my comment on his post today, I've always fallen in the "average" or "below average" loss category during the weekly weigh-ins. Mostly I'd hit EXACTLY the average for the week. Even eating great and exercising, I was never one of the stellar losers. And, another bit of honesty, I never expected to be one of the stellar losers. My body doesn't churn out the caloric burn and lose fat as deftly as I would wish.

Coming in 7th on the list--that makes me nearly pee my pants with shock and awe. Oh, that's not the award, sorry. that's just the breakfast water asking me to go to the bathroom. Be back in a minute....

...back!

As I note in the sidebar where I posted this award, it proves the lesson of the fable about the hare and the tortoise. If you're one of the turtle-y ones, as long as you stay in the race and don't give up, you will add up the yards towards the goal. As long as you just HANG THE HELL IN THERE, you will make progress. You won't win against the hares that also hang in there (ahem, Ann), but you don't have to. You only have to win your own race. Every weight loss journey is totally individual. You are always racing alone. It's just you and your fat.  You want to win it, even if you don't win it before all the snazzy, dazzling hares. (Ahem, Kimberly).

Some bodies are metabolically more charged. Some dieters choose foods and caloric levels more wisely. Some exercise more consistently and ardently. Some have health issues and others are healthy babes.

Just run your race and run it with an eye to that prize. Run it to finish. But run it undauntedly.

Believe you can run it.

For the longest time, honestly, truthfully, I did not believe I could do it. Even Allan must have gotten annoyed by my lack of faith and self-confidence in comments and emails. Geez! When I think of my dithering about joining Phase 4. I was afraid. I felt inadequate. I did not believe in my ability to do it. Just like for years I did not believe I could stick to a plan--and I did NOT stick to any plan for long. And I always regained, with added pounds.

Little by little, since May 2007, little bit here, little bit there, I started acquiring some self-confidence. It didn't bloom, really bloom, until I started this new blog and joined the challenges. Succeeding at the weekly goals, then monthly goals, has boosted my self-confidence about getting the fat off. This has been the number one benefit of these short-term challenges. BELIEVING I CAN DO IT!

I am no dynamo of self-esteem or self-confidence. I spent most of my life being my own biggest obstacle, since childhood. But I am fully convinced that until we really start to believe in our ability to overcome food addiction, obsession, conditioned overeating, etc, we cannot get to a healthy weight and STAY THERE. (Staying there is key, as who wants to do all this work to ultimately be back in Fatland.)

So, if you've always failed before...consider a challenge. Consider one that is simple and starts of gently (like Allan's) and works up to more dedication. Increments work. I would not have conceived doing Phase 4 had I not done Phases 1, 2, and 3. Each gave me that step up I needed in self-faith.

I am reading a book called THE PROCRASTINATION EQUATION. I have found that books that deal with things like changing habits are as valuable, if not more, than diet books at this point. I downloaded it to my Nook Color (whoo, so cool) yesterday, and am only slightly into it, but it addresses the core issue at the heart of procrastination (and I am a champion procrastinator) as impulsivity. Think of how our impulsivity--the pleasure now, the pay-off now of food versus the pay-off THEN  of normal weight--plays into our obesity. We want that PIZZA NOW! Pizza now sounds better than slim body 8 months, a year, 2 years away.  Cake now sounds nicer than 5 pounds off by month's end. Pleasure NOW rather than pleasure THEN.

And he also addresses one basic issue in procrastination: lower expectations. We don't think we CAN GET RESULTS...we think we will fail. We self-sabotage by putting off the actions that lead to success, because we don't BELIEVE in success.

So, yes: Believe in success. Value a healthy and slim body A YEAR DOWN THE ROAD (or less, or more) rather than the feast NOW. Look at the big plate of fatty or trigger foods and think: Do I want this more than I want to lose a pound this week? If your answer is yes, you eat it. If your answer is no, you throw it away.

Do the steps you need to in order to place a higher value on the HEALTHY BODY down the road. Be it May1, 2011 or December 31, 2011, or September 3, 2012 (see my original blog post, hah). Place a really high value on THAT, not on the burrito or lasagna or cookies.

See, I'm not freaking yet. I thought I would, cause, well, that whole lack of self-confidence and lowerered expectations.

But I chose to believe Allan and Debbi and Kimberly and Ann and other 1200 calorie eaters in this Phase 4 Challenge, those who said fervently that is was DOABLE and that *I* could do it.

When I didn't believe in myself completely, I chose to believe THEIR belief in me until my own self-confidence kicked in.

It has kicked in now on day 2. I have decided that I can do it. I have chosen faith and the value of my May 1, 2011 healthier body.

Choose wisely today.

And don't freak when you do. :D

Challenge Breakfast: I again selected the egg white/Ezekiel toast/skim milk, but added the fruit to the milk to make a cinnamon/banana/milk smoothie (yum). Coffee. Water. All under 300 cals.

Edited to Add:  About now, those of you who did your squats/lunges should be feeling your muscles all sore from those tough babies. I woke up sore in my abs--all of them, lower, upper, obliques from Pilates--and my thighs and butt from the squats and lunge alternate exercises (the Princess cannot lunge in classic form, sorry, just can't).  My triceps and shoulders are also sore from some upper body work. It's nice to be sore. Means you burned calories and that you're BUILDING MUSCLE! Feel your body good protein to build up that muscle!

Snack: string cheese nuked lightly with 1 tsp of of pasta sauce to make it taste pizzaey. Water.

Lunch: turkey sandwich with lettuce/spinach/cucumbers/tomato/mustard ; decaf; water

snack: lowfat yogurt

dinner: (leftovers, so same as yesterday) chicken/rice n beans/asparagus
The only difference was I made a nice dijon mustard mixed with white wine vinegar and lemon juice no-fat dressing to put on the asparagus.

Not hungry after dinner today, so skipped last snack.

Total calories: 1019  and all water downed.