Ticker Update: 118 Pounds Lost...A different ME is revealed when hubby is out of town...and I Resolve To Never to Eat Modern Wheat Again

Tanita-san: 181.0

That makes 118 pounds off. Ticker reflects this as of...a minute or so ago. :)  I am eager to cross that barrier to the 170s...so eager.

Food has been so easy this week. Hubby is out of town --boohooo--so I only have to worry about MY food. Which means...heck, easy-peasy. I do whatever is minimal, and I only go into the kitchen when hungry. This means I barely hit the kitchen. Yay!  I don't lose 2 pounds in five days unless I'm eating less. So, yeah, I'm eating less. But it's cause I'm following my natural rhythm: Only go into the kitchen when I'm hungry or just before I think I'm about to get hungry (preventative meal-making).

When hubby returns, I have to be regular with cooking, make extra for his lunches/snacks. It makes me think of food more, have to eat more on a schedule. That means more eating.

I want to win the PowerBall and never have to cook again. I'll be 125 pounds that way. hahahahahhahaha!!!!!

joking, half-way. ; )

I remember when I was morbidly obese and hubby went on trips. I saw that as "Woo-hoo, let's order delivery like mad" time. Order a pizza with the toppings MY way, no compromise. Order lasagna and meatballs. Order Chinese binge-feasts.

Now, I'm a different gal. I didn't order delivery once. I fixed all my meals. They were focused on protein, veggies, fruit, nuts, good fats,  with one deviation last night. I had a small portion of some leftover rice n beans, topped with salsa, alongside my home-made quickie-chicken-picatta and wilted spinach. Honeydew for dessert.

I actually could have not eaten at all on Tuesday--really had no appetite--but I always worry that if I go too long without, I'll get TOO hungry and set up a bingey thing. So, while I'll do intermittent short fasts (17 to 21 hours), I won't go longer. I guess I don't trust the binge-monster in me completely, even if I feel like a transformed person. Better safe than sorry.

I finished WHEAT BELLY, reviewed it at Amazon, and it firmed up my resolve from a few months back not to eat wheat/gluten. Hubby is on board, so it makes shopping/meals easier knowing he supports this. I know he's seen how it's done me good, and he sees how it's done him good, and why go back? His coworkers are frequently asking him what he's doing, cause they see he eats A LOT of food and has gotten radically slimmer. I think they see his three tupperware cooler of two-lunches and assorted snacks and wonder how he is so sleek, when he wasn't so sleek before. hahahah.

ETA for JoBee:
People become dependent on bread/wraps/crackers/pasta because it's simple/easy/no brain. To ditch the wheat--stop thinking of any food as a lunch food or a breakfast food. Any food is okay any time. Chicken for breakfast. Eggs for dinner. Veggies for breakfast. Steak for a snack.


For hubby, to simplify, I cook extra at dinner. A lot extra. And then I can use extras for the next couple days. And right after supper, I might make scrambled eggs with ham or cheese or both and he nukes it for breakfast with fruit.


Breakfast: have eggs any way you like with veggies. Add fruit if you're not insulin resistant/diabetic. Or can't live without it. hah. Have leftover dinner food. Have any protein with any veggie and some healthy fats. My fave is veggie omelettes, usually with some cheese (feta, cheddar, swiss). I almost always have fruit.  But I've had leftover chicken with spinach for breakfast. Hubby has had leftover buffalo chicken (I make it at home, no breading) for breakfast. He has turkey and cheese. He has leftover burger. As long as there's protein and some plant item, it's good.  I cook his stuff in EVOO, butter/ghee, or coconut oil.


Lunch: I have to fix him two lunches, cause he gets too think since ditching gluten and most sugar. Here is one day's packed lunches/snacks:

 Here's one "lunch set": There's grilled chicken with chopped carrots and diced celery over romaine; carnitas pork with rice and mozzarella cheese, applesauce, cashews; snacks include hummus/carrots, Larabar, dark chocolate square. He took his usual banana/apple in his workbag.

The above includes food from meals (leftovers). Grilled spicy chicken over yellow rice with a spinach mozzarella salad side; cheeseburger (sans bun) with asparagus (cooked in EVOO) with real mashed potatoes on the side (butter, cream); Snacks: Beanitos and salsa, cottage cheese with cantaloupe and strawberries, and there's dark chocolate under the bag of Beanitos. On top of this, he took an apple, a banana, and a bag of peanuts.

I stress that *I* can't eat like this. We tried totally grain free, and he dropped 5 pounds a week and was heading toward seriously UNDERweight. I added rice and taters back for him. I have them maybe 2x a week. I have metabolic issues he doesn't. But he has lost about 60 pounds from his highest weight.

I find salads are easiest: chopped cheese and turkey or chicken or ham or leftover steak or chicken or pork on top of greens with some veggies he'll eat (diced celery, broccoli slaw, shredded carrots). He's not got a big veggie vocabulary, but I do my best. :) He often has hummus with carrot sticks. I love using the Sabra single serve ones. Perfect for a snack. I also buy him Larabars (raw, gluten-free), which he enjoys. I can't eat them (too carby), but it helps him keep weight on these days. :D Cheese and nuts with crudite veggies and fruit can make a perfect no-cook meal. Breakfast can be non-sweetened yogurt with berries and nuts.

Just focus on protein/veggies as the spotlight, then add nuts, cheese, fruit (in moderation for those sensitive to sugars/carbs), seeds as accents, lots of nice spices. The starches that are safe and a allowed in our home--tubers, rice. For the non-carb-sensitive, gluten-free oats can be used. Use legumes if you aren't sensitive to them and they are properly soaked (although it's not Primal/Paleo, it's up to you. Dr. Davis gives the okay to moderate portions t keep glucose under control).

If you have any suspicion you might be wheat or gluten sensitive, if you have diabetes or insulin resistance (like moi), if you have a belly (ie, fat one), if you get cravings for wheat/gluteny products (that is, when you do your uncontrolled snacking, is is made of wheat or gluten-containing products, like crackers, pretzels, pizza, wraps, cookies, etc--or are you night snacking on roast chicken and spinach or honeydew and Manchego cheese?), if you have autoimmune conditions, or if you have low HDL/high triglycerides and dangerous small LDL that's HIGH--read the book.

The September 5th Woman's World magazine (your supermarket has it), gives a quickie overview and sample eating plan. But I recommend the book as he shows why wheat has been altered from its ancestral type. How it's not even the wheat eaten a couple generations ago. Different beast.

I'll eat ancestral wheat, should I come across bread made from it. I won't eat modern rejiggered/engineered wheat with its scary properties.

I don't need it, anyway. There's no nutrient in wheat that I can't get from the whole foods I eat, and in better form :) And I bet you don't need it, either. You might desperately want it. You just might be addicted to it. (And yes, he addresses that in the book, and if you have a loved one with schizophrenia or autism, you do want to read about the experiments in these areas with regard to wheat.) But that's all the more reason to assess your dependency on this not-benign grain and staple food.

So, that's my book recommendation for the week. WHEAT BELLY by Dr. Davis.

If you read it and try the program, really give it a good shot of at least 30 days,  let me know how it goes for you.

Have a great Thursday, eat well, move well..be well.

Next to Last SLIMMER THIS SUMMER CHALLENGE Update..and Some Long-Winded Thoughts on the Scale AND...On What I'd Like To See In The Next Challenge...So Tell me what you think...and pics of my new green sneakers...

I meant to post yesterday, but hubby and I headed out and then I got lazy. But I did weigh-in and update the sidebar yesterday with the weigh-in (in case nobody noticed, hah).

184.4

That's .6 lbs down from last week.

This week has been an upsy and downsy week and I have struggled.

Playing catch in my new bright green sneaks!

I walked x3
I did Pilates x 2 with trainer
Worked on push-ups (still can't do them right) only 1 day (lazy, lazy)

Matching green "feline footwear",hubby's
PUMA and my ONITSUKA TIGERS

I had a casual day of playing Frisbee/Catch with the family
And otherwise I stayed in out of the heat being a lazy cat.
Drank my fluids all but one day, when I fell short by 8 oz. (Mistallied.)
Prayed for y'all.
Blogged.
Did not quit.

Breathing got radically better and I've had no issues this weekend. Huh to that in the deep of hurricane season's heat/humidity/pollens, but I won't say I'm not grateful.

I'm still not at my lowest weight of 183.8 for the challenge, but while I'm crawling on my way down, it is on the way DOWN, and if I do a half pound a week consistently for the rest of the year, that's almost another 10 pounds down, and I'd be only 15 lbs away from goal weight.

Yes, I do have to think of it in long-term. I only want to lose 25 more pounds (to 160 original goal), and it may take me a while to do it, but the point is and always will be consistency. Losing a bunch one week or three, gaining a bunch for a week or three, then losing a bunch again---that's not healthful or my style. I want to learn to be consistent...in losing, in maintaining. I don't wanna yo-yo, all hyped up for a month, then fizzle out for 3, then find myself fighting the same pounds over and not really getting where I want to STAY.

I want to get to my dang goal weight, be it 160, 170, 145, whatever. I want to GET there and then learn how to maintain it (which is a whole nother hard work journey). Crash diets don't appeal to me. Yo-yo doesn't appeal to me. Whether it's 3 pounds, 2 pounds, 1 pound, or a half a pound a week, I just want to be someone who is doing what she needs to do week in and week out.

That's hard. But that's the only way to beat the fat for life. Learn what it takes to do the things that need to be done.. at each meal, every day, each week, month by month,  year after year.

And I think I need to see the scale the way I see the mirror or the blood pressure cuff or my every-3-months bloodwork. I can't ignore it, avoid it, or let it make me nuts. It's simply FEEDBACK. Like my waist measurement (that hasn't budged in weeks and weeks). It just says, "Here is where you are at" and no more. It's not cussing at me. It's not blessing me. It's not reviling me. It's not telling me I"m better than... It's a number. It's monitoring. It's accountability. It's information. THAT IS ALL.

I measure my waist and hips, I weight, I take my blood pressure, I get blood taken for lipid and CBC panels. I check the mirror to see how my eyes look, my hair, my teeth, my skin. Why? Just to track. Just to see if I'm making progress. Do my brows need plucking? Is there still some gunk on my incisor? Do I need to add benzoyl peroxide to the night-time regimen for my skin. Did I have too much salt? Did I eat too much of this and that and mess up my LDL?

Sometimes I do good things (moisturize, pluck, brush, use conditioner, eat lots of veggies, take my vitamins, exercise). Sometimes things go a bit bad (I don't wash make-up off properly before bed, forget to tend to a zit, eat too much sodium, go nuts on cheese, forget to drink extra water when I exercise in the heat). Sometimes they go way bad (like the time my liver enzymes or sugar were going out of whack and my triglycerides were high when I was binge-ing during mom's demise and taking statins, both hurting my liver).

The mirror, scale, tape measure, BP machine, etc...they just give me INFO. Then I do something with it--be it change food or or movement, or ignore it, or call the doc in a panic. Whatever. Tools. Just tools.

The reason I do these measurements isn't principally to feel great and get a boost and motivate myself. Those can play a part. The main reason I do these things is to see if I AM MAKING PROGRESS and if I am NOT MAKING PROGRESS to find ways to motivate myself to do the things that will improve the result on the scale, with the tape measure, on the lipid profile, with the blood pressure monitor.

The motivation isn't the scale. The scale can tell me if I'm motivated or not. 

It's a gauge of motivation, and it's confirmation of proper changes implemented in one's plan. It is not THE motivator.

Measurement tools are FEEDBACK. They are not the judges of what I am worth.

I am worth just as much at 184.4 as I was at 299 lbs. I may feel differently ABOUT myself, but that's not the scale's problem. That's MINE. That's psychological stuff or self-esteem stuff or mood stuff or whatever.

Every article I've read about those who lost a lot of weight and kept it off talked about daily to weekly weighings to stay on track and correct behavior before it got way out of hand. The majority of the time I didn't want to get on the scale it was because I knew it would be bad and I didn't want bad news. And the majority of time I've seen bloggers over the last 5 years avoid the scale or take scale breaks, it was because of the fear or stress of the number.

We love the number when it's positive.

We hate it when it's negative.

I make a new proposition: Let's not hate a number or love a number.

Let's think of it strictly as feedback. A coach will tell a runner if their time, their number, was better, worse, the same. It's a way to gauge where training time/techniques need to be applied. Maybe check for issues.

If you are doing everything RIGHT--calorically, exercise, fluids, sleep, meds, mood--and the scale is cruel for 2 to 3 weeks on end, then yes, there may be some deeper issues, medical issues. Allan used to tell us this all the time. If you do it right and you arent' losing: SEE A DOCTOR.

If  WE KNOW we're not doing it right, then why get upset at a number on the scale that reflects our NOT doing what we ought? The scale can be deceptive, as it doesn't measure FAT, just WEIGHT, and that can be skewed--in terms of fluid retention at TOM or after salt intake or with steroid use, or huge water loss at the start of low carb diets, which says nada about FAT, etc--but it's only a tracking tool. That's it. Other measures are needed for body composition. Nevertheless, it's a good tool. It is good feedback OVER TIME. One week can be off. Two . But over time, it's a good tool. USE IT. As a tool, not as a self-esteem monitor or a mood controller.

Just a feedback tool for someone renovating...a body. :)

Cause this cutiepie deserves to have a hot(tish) wife:

My Prince, who looks so hot with a mitt, yes?

Now, for my next challenge:

I had pondered hosting a Christmas Dress Countdown challenge. I still think I'd like to do something along those lines. However, I really think what I want to do is something a bit different than what I originally discussed via email with THURSDAY'S CHILD. I do think I want an email component, which means it will have to be a smaller challenge (so it's a not a crazy long email list).

I was looking back at the things that helped or motivated me most in past challenges, and maybe include things like that. But also include something I've never seen addressed in other challenges I dabbled in or competed over the years: the spiritual and/or the "change techniques" component.

I have no idea right now how that would be set-up. I had this brilliant flash of a notion in the midst of falling asleep two days ago, and I remember going, "Oh, geesh, that would be it. That would be amazing." And I fell asleep--and forgot the brilliant idea. Dang. That's frustrating.

But I do think that many of us already know the nutritional tips, the tracking tips, know we ought to exercise and drink fluids. How many know the actual helpful techniques for behavioral CHANGE? The spiritual aspect that can help one overcome vices/bad habits?

I'd also want the time between StS and when the new challenge starts to be prep time: get rid of junk or trigger foods from your home, prepare the books and exercise stuff (DVDs, equipment, clothes) ready, shop for fresh plan-friendly groceries, figure out your water needs and schedule to workout, get family and friends on board to support you through the temptations of the holidays before the challenge ends (no Halloween crap, healthful options at Thanksgiving). Whatever needs to be done to be all set and IN the mindset. And that can--and maybe SHOULD--include the purchase of a smaller size dress, one that doesn't fit yet, to motivate one to fit into it by Christmas. Or at minimum a photo of the desired dress and the desired size. Yep.  Prep work.

Maybe that's too ambitious for ONE challenge. Maybe I'm full of crap.

And if you think whatever challenge I come up with is too demanding or weird or whatever, remember, there are always many challenges going on. You can find one that suits you, for sure! You can start one...and should, if you have the energy and ideas or just the time! Nothing suits everyone. Be a challenge starter or co-starter!

But, anyway, all that's what I've been pondering, and especially this: components that are about changing more than what we choose for breakfast or how much water we drink. Probably including a book of the challenger's choice (I might offer a list for suggestions) to use and read and apply during the course of the challenge. Perhaps one food book and one change book and one spiritual book. Well, that would be CHALLENGING, except for folks who love to read.

But one thing I know for sure, I want a challenge that is very supportive, positive in outlook, hopeful--like Slimmer This Challenge has been, hooray!-- and one where scale accountability is a given. One number, once a week, no excuses. Allan had that rule, and trust me, it motivated me. I knew if I didn't give that number by that day of the week, I was OUT of the challenge, unless I had a darn good reason and let him know (ie, hospitalized, no internet access on Fiji vacation, computer crash, etc).

I remember how more than once, when I was tempted to hit a cookie or an extra serving of this or that during DDDY, the knowledge that I'd have to send a number to Allan come Sunday made me NOT hit the chips and salsa or blue cheese dressing. Seriously, knowing there would be a reckoning of the numerical sort can be the thing that stops the nighttime extra snack.

Well, Allan would holler sometimes.

I won't holler, but I think knowing you'd have to publish your numerical feedback for the week, rain or shine, was a sort of rein. And to encourage each other NOT to think of the number as the determinant of mood/feeling/motivation, but just something to guide us, help us tweak, help us regroup, or help us celebrate milestones.

As far as other parameters, perhaps a more flexible caloric level than StS, as long as it's one where folks can lose something a week to reach the Dress Size goal....not everyone needs to be 1200, but some people do. Not everyone can lose at 1600, but some people can. Livability--food plans and exercise plans that reasonably fit into your life/family life/work life/day-to-day, but is challenging enough to actually cause weight loss and increase in muscle. Just not TBL level hard. ; ) Since it's another long challenge--3 months or so--one can lose a nice amount to fit into a lovely Christmas dress without having to live at the gym or starve.

So, those are my thoughts on a "next challenge", encapsulated here:

1. Weigh-in number must be posted on the blog once a week, on the given day(s) without fail or excuses.

2. A caloric limit chosen by each participant to encourage steady weekly loss and a healthful diet plan of their choice that includes real, wholesome foods and adequate fluids. Participants will need to decide how to track--any method, I don't care--but you should have some method to know when you hit your limit.

3. An exercise type/variety/intensity chosen by the participant to be at least 3x a week.

4. A book(s) to be studied, blogged about, that helps the participant with change/procrastination/spiritual/vice/bad habit issues that will help overcome overeating.

5. A very supportive atmosphere and positive support structure, which should include commenting on each others' blogs to cheer each other on.

6. Email motivational support from leader(s)

7. A goal dress size stated (or guess at) or, better yet, pic of dress bought for motivation or wanted as a dream-dress, and ideally, but not required, a pic of challenger WEARING the dress in the after when challenge concludes. (Faces can be blocked out for privacy, but we wanna see you fit into the goal dress.)
8. A commitment NOT TO QUIT. To stay in the challenge and work on issues and post weight, even if one is doing poorly. To hang in. Hang in and not disappear. A COMMITMENT to fellow challengers to go the distance, no matter the obstacles.

I'm thinking that if it's a limited, manageable number, I'd give priority to those who finished Slimmer this Summer who want in. If you stuck with the StS 12 weeks, you can stick to a similar number for the Christmas Dress Countdown.

Anyone have suggestions on what a challenge should have based on what motivated you the most to LOSE the most in the past? Comment away...

Scale, Pounds Lost ticker Updated, Restarting harder than imagined, and Quote for those working on becoming "Everlasting Splendours"

Tanita-san: 187.0

That brings me to 112 pounds lost.

I'm happy about that. If I lose 2 more pounds, I am numerically, officially, finally, not obese anymore. Two more.

Exercise: I'm out of the habit. Yep. I put off and put off--hubby this, me that, reasons, yadda--walking and didn't. And realized that I'm OUT of the habit. Before, I'd get antsy if I didn't do my walking and Pilates. Now, I'm happy to sit on my butt again.

This is why I don't take "vacations" from healthy eating. I've read the studies (last year, again this year) on how the brain keeps old habit pathways intact, but new ones can be more "active", let's say. And as you keep doing the new stuff, you make the old habits less pressing. However, revert to old ways, and old habits become more pressing.

While I didn't slack on eating well while having our horrible event, I was totally not exercising. Old couch potato  leanings are in force. This is bad. I have to now exert my full will to get myself to move again.

I know, I really do know, that a few weeks of doing my exercise thang and THAT will be my habit again. But now I have to fight to regain that momentum and habituation.

Sucks.

This is why you don't stop.
This is why you don't say "Oh, just while I'm on vacation" or "Just for my birthday weekend". This is why the brain and old habits can be our enemies, while the brain with new habits are our allies.

This is why.

It's hard now. It wasn't hard before.

Old habits don't really die, or if they do, they die hard. DIE, DAMN YOU, DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, so, that was the good and the bad.

I have a ton of laundry to do, my food for today to plan, grocery shopping, and EXERCISE. (And I get the "don't wanna" thoughts just typing "exercise", I kid you not.)

If you have inculcated good habits, keep them up. Slack off and you have to do all the heavy lifting of new-habit forming again.

It's not only positive physical habits I am working on. I started reading a Dallas Willard book last night. I bought it a few months back, but I'm only getting onto it now. I wanted a spiritual read and something to encourage me to move forward and not be beset by grief, fears, doubts. Just keep an eye on TRANSFORMATION, which is my word for this year. Change. Transform. Renew.

He uses quotes from Scripture, of course, and from famous authors. I looked up one of his CS Lewis quotes to get the larger quotation. I like it. I like thinking that we are working to change ourselves, yes, not just on the outside, because inside/outside is interlinked in humans. I believe in soul/spirit/mind, not just body/brain. And I've learned that for me, the inside has to change first to make the outside (words, actions) change. I truly believe we are outside, in what we say and do, what we already are inside. And if we want to change the outside, the inside must be transformed.

For me, mind and soul and, above all, will have to take the step first.

When we cooperate together to take those steps, encourage each other, we're helping in transformations. I think that's pretty cool. Thanks to those who've helped me--authors, bloggers, friends, family. Change is hard. Change is necessary. I hope we're all moving to that better destination, even an inch, today.

Here's the quote, and let's all become "everlasting splendours":

It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you may talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilization—these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit— immortal horrors or everlasting splendours.

My First Day Back to Finding Some Normality Again...random stuff, including some food stuff, some scary stuff, some weepy stuff, some spiritual stuff, some transformational stuff, wonderful stuff

I slept until I felt rested. Nice.

I weighed in, to get back in the habit: 187.6
New Low: Nice. And that with having two starch servings with dinner (boiled yuca with EVOO and garlic and 1/2 cup rice).

I had brown rice with breakfast. I guess that's my starch serving for today.

I prayed: Felt calm. I was bawling again last night (worried about sis' health), so this was a good feeling.

It had been a long time since I felt strong leadings from God or had anything like a vision, and I've had two this past month. I don't doubt that just the intensity of one's feelings, the extent of prayer time, and the more time spent in pondering spiritual things puts one in a more receptive mode. Perhaps, yes?

A call from someone from a very good company looking to see if hubby was interested. Interesting, but worrisome. I don't want to move away from family. This company has several locations in North America, and none are in the South Florida area. Hm. Mixed feelings here.

I have so much to do here--I'm talking seriously a ton of stuff that's frightening me, it's so overwhelming-- in order to position us to move, should that become necessary.

I've lived in the Eastern time zone all my life. ALL MY LIFE. I've never traveled out of it, unless Puerto Rico/St. Thomas counts. To be in Canada or California,etc, the very idea feels freaky. I'm so an "Eastern" gal. And now such a Florida gal. And really, such a Miami gal. It's just weird to imagine being someplace else. I'm praying NOT to have to be someplace else. But am trying to become more flexible, just in case.

I'm not feeling vexed at all these days about food. The temptations came daily and I fought them off. I didn't have a strict enough caloric count to lose much, but I felt really in control. It's a strange new feeling. I want to hold on to that for my whole life. I really like feeling NOT dominated by food desires. Feeling like I am becoming the master (mistress?) of my appetite.

I found the comments on this blog post really interesting. The complicated stuff around losing and keeping weight off, what is the best way to eat, etc, is endlessly interesting to me. I know part of my journey this time is learning what my body likes and can handle. What is optimum, and what is livable...  It's gotta be lifelong, and while some scoff at eating in a way NOW while losing that is livable for life, I think it's a rational way to proceed. I have to diet forever. It's just how it is. I want it to be enjoyable and nutritious, but not...obsessive. That's the path I am trying to forge...so far, so good. But since "pride goeth before a fall", I keep my eyes and ears and heart and mind open to new information and science and psychology and want to be a learner. Learn what's the latest, but adapt it to what "I" need to make it work.

I'm not panicking. I'm not anxiety-ridden (as I normally would be). Death puts other changes in a huge new perspective, a different context.

Anyway, I called hubby and asked if he'd be home in time to walk. Answer: yes.

Restarting old habits.

And...

New starts for new habits.

Today: A new day. "I will rejoice and be glad in it"...as much as I can.

Be well.

Update: on grief, exercise (not), stress eating (not), and what I've come to learn at this point in my journey...with apologies, too

Sorry to have just not been able to blog--or keep up with emails for that matter lately. We have our last evening of prayers (the novena of prayers) tonight. Tomorrow, I take a rest day from driving!

My sister is, as you can imagine, still in a bad way, but having dozens of folks surrounding her and praying with her every evening helps. We had a co-worker of my BIL come and do a short preaching segment on the hope in Christ for those who have lost loved ones (ie, the resurrection hope, hope of reunification in Paradise, etc).

I'm holding on. Have not exercised in 2.5 weeks, but am ready to resume Friday. My schedule will be semi-normal (I will still have a couple hours of driving, things with docs I put off, things with sisters/family.)

My eldest sis (who lost her son) is now exhibiting some disturbing cardiac symptoms (stress can't help). She'd been ill prior to his death--lupus is tentative diagnosis--and now the heart is being affected by the stress. So, well, it's hard.

I held on weight-wise. Got on the scale today: 188.2  No gain. A smidgen loss since this awfulness struck. Yes, fighting cravings is hard some days. Food is still and always will be a comfort lure. But I take my snacks with me where I go, stop in at supermarkets and get fruit and nuts and cold cuts if I have to, and drink my fluids.

And stress has been increased by the big layoffs at hubby's company. He's still there (the first round of dismissals are being done), and I pray he will continue to be employed. This means I have to reassess my Pilates. A bit of belt-tightening can't hurt.

I will say that despite my grief, stress, exercise interruptions, etc, I'm really proud I did not gain a pound. I would have before. I gained nearly 40 pounds the months my mom was dying. I've always gained weight in stressful situations since my teen years. I'm a stress/depression eater. I'm an emo-eater. This time, I used other comforts--hugs, classical music, religious radio programming, praying.

The battle goes on.

I hope that in the coming week I can be here more and regain momentum for some loss. Although, I will be honest, I feel really good where I'm at. If I never lost another pound, but held onto what I have and exercised to keep my muscle, I'd be fine. I really am in a good place weightwise and energywise and I think getting fitter helped me handle this better than I could have morbidly obese and unfit. I thank God I worked hard to get here.

I still want to get to goal (or very close). I think for my health, it's a worthy thing. But I did realize these two weeks that I 'm quite happy at 188, oddly. I thought I'd have to be in the 170s to be fine with my weight, but here I am. Oddly content.

But I still have my goals and I'm not surrendering. I want to discover new things about myself (though having even looser skin is something of a mental impediment, I know).

Anyway, I hope all the Slimmer This Summer Challengers are doing well. Forgive me for not checking up on y'all /commenting. I'll be able to do more next week, as life begins to get to a new, sadder, but more normal place.

Thank you so much, you lovely internet supporters, visitors, and pals, for your condolences. Thank you from my heart.

Day 13 of 84 in the StSC: Another pound down, a great few pages to help you overcome overeating (ie, REHAB yourself) from the book that helped me the most, and the value of sleep...

Tanita-san: 191.2

Yep. Another pound down. I was afraid my "carby" vegetarian eating day yesterday might slow me down or give me a slight bit of carb bloat (I got up to 118 carbs), especially since I had a lot of cheese (mozza and parmesan) on my spaghetti squash (ie, added sodium). But no, worked out fine.

Friday calories: 1088

Part of that is that I'm sleeping fine again. Eight hours. Good rest, I find, makes for good losses. When I sleep poorly or sleep little, the scale stops budging or goes back up. So, yeah, I see this as the factor that has helped the no-cardio week not impede me. I am so antsy to walk, but I won't be a fool and strain what is already strained. I have to recover and be patient. So, no walking. :(

I'm 6.2 pounds away from a merely overweight BMI status. Go, me!

I really enjoyed my veggie day. What I ate:

Brunch: I cooked a smaller sized spaghetti squash in the nuker, and it yielded a lot of "pasta". I made it marinara style (melted mozza, sprinkled parmesan) with zucchini on the side (sauteed in EVOO with some parm on top) and used the Mrs. Dash Italian Medley for flavor. I ate a fresh organic pear and 1 gluten-free (almond flour and coconut) low-carb cookie for dessert. Had coffee and my loads of water.

Dinner: More squash, this time with pesto Calabrese style (red pepper pesto) and mozzarella melted on top. A bit of spinach and mushroom saute on the side (flavored with garlic). Had half a baked apple with walnut butter for dessert. Zevia grape flavored and coffee and water. My Frieling French press has been getting good use lately. Lovely java.

This is a higher carb  day for me, but it came from the fruit and veggies, which I don't mind. That's good carbs in my book. :D

I mentioned how I had cravings earlier in the week that I fought off. I do believe that fighting off cravings matters. For some people, just giving in and having some of a craved food seems to be their solution. It can't be that for me MOST of the time. I find that to continue to have control, I must USE control. I must use that self-control to keep those new habit pathways working as primary. I don't want to default to the REWARD system for things like junk food or sugary treats or trigger foods.

For me, the rehab system described by various sources--for me, notably Kessler in THE END OF OVEREATING and Gillian Riley's work on beating overeating--and part of that is simply saying no. Not justifying caving. Just refusing to cave to "fave food/trigger foods" and old reward systems. When I do that, the cravings pass and I go back to low appetite, calm eating mode. That was yesterday. I wanted a pasta-ey thing, and I didn't want old trigger foods (pasta, pizza), so I made my lower carb, plan-friendly "pasta" dishes.

I felt satisfied. And I felt victorious for saying no all week to the crap that traps me back in cue-reward old habits. I refuse to let food win. This week, I fought the old cues. This week,  I won. You take it day by day, week by week.

Caving to a craving is sometimes okay. But for a lot of us, it can be the trigger to cascade into more cavings and more cravings and a setback. If you're doing well...don't cave Say no. Hold on. Build new habit neural pathways. Get stronger each time you use your "no" muscle.

Cave and you might be back at square one. Seriously. You may not be the sort that does well with sidetracks. It might kill your momentum.

If you have issues with temptation, with caving to overeating, with staying in your calorie level, please read THE REHAB chapter of THE END OF OVEREATING if you can't read the whole thing (highly recommended).

Update so far for StSC:

This week, exercise took a hit due to my injury. So, only got 1.5 hours of exercise in so far this week.

Fluids and prayer were consistent and excellent.

Calories: well under max allowed.

Weekly weight loss goal 1.5 lbs: This week isn't over, but I needed to make it to 191.9 (or less) to make goal. I hit 191.2 today, so I made my goal and exceeded it. Yay!

I haven't quit. I blogged frequently. I encouraged others (though some days were minimal and some days much better).

I am still with my eyes on the prize....

Keep yours on the prize, too.

And enjoy your family holiday....make it about love, not eating.

Be well...

Freaky Day of Cancelled and New Appts, My Curls Blown Out for First Time in 1.5 Years, And Lots of Fanfare About Loss , which was Nice!

Yesterday, Tanita-san said 198.0

I don't weigh on Mon/Thur cause I don't sleep enough those days and am usually hurrying to drink my coffee and water , get dressed, and head to Pilates.

Today, there was a wrench in my plans. I heard this weird beep around 11:10 am (a few minutes before alarm would have gone off), and it turns out it was my clock letting me know power to it was gone. Yep. No electricity. I heard thunking noises out back. The electric company was doing work.

I called my trainer and said I was dressed and ready to head out when the FPL dudes left (the trucks were blocking the garage outlet in the narrow alley AND I had no power to lift the garage door, as it's electric and I have no idea how to get it up manually). Well, come appt time, the FPL dudes were still there and I'm in Miami and it's warm and I have no A/C! I'm in the house in bra and shorts and sneakers. The juice came on around 1:33, and the FPL guys says it will be on for a short spell, then out again for a few hours.

I said, "Can you unblock me so I can get the car out of the garage and be mobile?" He was handsome and nice and did just that. I made a hair appt, got it trimmed and, for a novelty, blown out. Haven't had my hair blown out in 18 months, as I went naturally curly in Nov of 2009.

Hairdresser said my hair was in amazing good health. I said, "I use lots of good moisturizers and oils and I don't blow out or use flatirons. My hair has grown out without being abused. I also don't use regular shampoos. I use either a conditioner to cleanse, or a lowpoo cleanser (mild, no sulfates), and only occasionally use a stronger clarifying poo (a couple times a year), to make sure there's no build-up. I add conditioner to my hair every day after I get up and leave it in there. :)

Hypothyroid gals know what I mean when I say my hair thinned and turned to straw from the disease, and so it needs gentle care and loads of moisture. I have a lot less hair than I used to. Dang you, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis!

Here's pics of the blown-out Princess, who will soon be reverting to her natural curls. She didn't use any gels, creams, leave-ins or serums. My hair, essentially product free:

I'll do a protein treatment and deep condish to nurture it after the blow-drying trauma and back to my regularly scheduled curls, as in these pics from earlier this year:

Since I had no electricity and couldn't fix my eggs, I headed to the bagel place after my hair appt. I had eggs scrambled with spinach and mushrooms, some bacon, coffee, lots of water, and asked her to bag up the bagel (comes with eggs) and potatoes for hubby. He may not want either, but hey, I paid for 'em, so they're coming home for him or the trash.

I got so much hoopla at both the salon and the bagel place. I hadn't been to either in 3 months, so I've had more losses. :) Like 27 pounds more. I kept getting fussed over, complimented. I was a bit embarrassed, but it still was a glowing feeling mixed in with the embarrassment. :) The waitresses started talking to me about their losses and food issues (one lost 80+ and the other 50+ and she's an OA member).

I kept hearing, "transformation" and "makeover" and "look younger" and "look great" at both the salon and the restaurant. It's encouraging. I have a ways to go, so being cheered on is a good thing.

And to all who cheered me on here, complimented me, and made me feel like a REAL Princess, thank you. Thanks so much!

Well, since I didn't get my usual 1 hour Pilates, I'm gonna have to figure out another way to ramp up some activity here at home. I feel out of sorts when I don't get my good trainer-facilitated workout. My joints and body always feels so energized and GOOD after Pilates... Oh, and I lost my trainer fee. The policy is 24 hours for cancellation. Gee, thanks, FPL, for not giving ME warning!


I'll leave ya with two pics, one of me and one of my hubby, before our walk last evening. My hair is gunky and damp (it was dirty, and I like to wet my hair before walking to help keep me cool). Notice the TUCKED IN top. ; )  I am still fat, but hey, I have a waist:

Gunky Hair and 198.0 lbs May 18, 2011

Sweet Honeypie o' mine at 170 lbs who needs posture work. Computer hunch, begone!

Down a bit closer to Onederland, Change in Blog Look, Well-timed Photo Find to Use for Before/After when 100 lbs lost, , Expecting a Celebratory Weekend (fingers crossed), and Loving Ourselves and Living Life At Any Size...

Tanita-san: 200.2

That's .6 down from yesterday. Getting there, getting there...getting the confetti ready!

In order to get ready for a whole nother "century" (ie, getting under 200 into the 100s), I fiddled with the blog. It's a "leaner" look, simpler, but the colors reflect my sense of reaching higher (sky colors) and feeling fresher (water colors) and feeling hope and possibilities (wide open brightnesses) and movement (the swirliness). It may not be the most original blogskinning, but it feels right for now and the next milestone, which is so close.

I had planned to change the look of the blog next month, but some weird Blogger thing happened and my blog look got reset to default. Don't know why. Was all flowery and normal blog look one minute, and the next it had blanked out. Worried for a sec I got hacked.

It turned out to be a fortuitous error. I got to update the blog on a good day. Possibly the day before Onederland. I had hoped to reach it by last Sunday, and then I hoped to reach it by Saturday next. I may still make it. Who knows? The body can be weird. But I'm eager to see a 3 digit number that begins with a one....1....1......1.....1.....ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As if the cosmos is in tune with my milestone (in addition to the timely Blogger blooper), I was clearing out some old magazines and books (in my quest to rid myself of more than body clutter) and found a pic of me at my highest weight. I didn't think I had one handy. I tended to avoid cameras. But I found one. Me at 299. It's not digital and it's glued into a diet book. (Of course. Me hoping back in 2007 not to see 300+ on my home scale.)

The book was part of a course by Julia Havey, a 12 week one, that came with CDs and an exercise DVD, and it was called the LifeChanger course. My life did not change. I only filled out 10 pages consecutively, then filled out another two a year later. But I did paste the photo of "Biggest Me"  in me there, and now it's part of my transformation documentation for when I lose 100 lbs. Hooray!

I was 289 in 2007 when I started doing the course. I fizzled out days later. I didn't stay the "course".  That's the story of my dieting life. A day on. A week on. Then not. Then months of eating nuts. A week or four on WW. Then regain.

I've been losing for nearly a year. Look at my sidebar for weigh-ins. See the near constant downward trajectory. No binges. If there was an uptick, it was sodium bloat, not binge bloat.  I've been exercising regularly for 3 years. Something changed, yes?

I'm so glad I found the photo. I want to post a pic of me at 299 and me at 199. When I get to 199, I need to remember to have hubby shoot me a good body shot! Before and After.

Of course, that "after" will be another kind of before. Goal still to come....

Hubby wanted to celebrate when I reached "100 Pounds Lost!" status. :) I do, too. I don't know how that celebration will be set up, but I definitely want to mark the occasion. It's a lot of hard work and lifestyle change to lose 100 pounds. I earned that coming celebration. :)

And even though I'm delighted with my weight loss so far, I do believe it's vitally important to work on the idea of "health at any size". Whether you're 400, 300, 200, or 100 lbs. I think we need to find the love of self and love of life and desire for health to live and love.

Don't shake your head and say, "Can't do it!" It's hard. I know. Try.

I hated my morbidly obese body. I hid away. I have had my neuroses, depressions, and binge issues. I have had self-loathing since childhood. It's hard to self-love, but I do think that it's necessary to say, "I deserve to have joy, do fun things, meet people, have relationships that are healthy, have a career or have kids and LIVE LIVE LIVE" no matter what size. No matter what size, we have inherent human worth.

God doesn't love any of us less cause we're fat or thin or in between. Our souls are not less valuable cause their "temples" are supersized. Our creativity and ability to love isn't hampered by adipose tissue. People don't need our contributions less cause we hand them our assistance with chubby fingers.

Some things are affected--and it's those things that spurred me on to lose the weight. Diabetes. High blood pressure. Lack of proper mobility. Difficulty with hygiene (sorry , but wiping your butt properly, front to back, is nigh impossible at supersizes). Sex (some positions become cumbersome or impossible). Finding stylish clothes. Joint damage from the stress on knees, hips, ankles, feet. Discrimination. Fertility can be adversely affected. Surgery becomes more dangerous. Might have to buy 2 seats on a plane. Might not FIT in a seat on a plane, or a concert hall, or a restaurant.

I love concerts, dance, live comedy. I stopped going to concerts and clubs due to how uncomfortable I was stuffing myself into the seats. I'd spill over into other seats and was self-conscious.

BUT..with all that, I still believe we do ourselves a disservice when we say, "I'm too fat to do that." I've done that with swimming (the swimsuit fear), with going back to school (the fear of not fitting in seats and being the fattest in the class), with looking for work (who will hire a 300 pound middle-aged woman with bad teeth and a gaping hole in her resume). With socializing (avoiding weddings and banquets and parties).

I can do more now. I don't fear seats in public. But I feel bad about the me that hid away.

If you are still not at a weight where you feel you can do stuff, can live, then I say try. When I was still 278 lbs, I decided to try Pilates. It was HARD to walk into a studio with thin models and sleek dancers. HARD! But I did it. I went walking on the beach when I was 268. Not swimming, but at least not avoiding the pretty places and fresh air. I decided last year to do stuff, even at 260+--go to a game park and go on the rides, while barely fitting into go-karts and the little boats and such. I did Dance Dance Revolution in a video game center. I went back to see a show at the theater.

Might as well live now. Not weight or WAIT... for goal weight. Not wait for "skinny".

Who knows if we'll live long enough for goal weight? No one knows their day or hour with death.

Live now. Do something that scares you. Like I did with walking and sprinting. It SCARED ME. I did it. Like Pilates. Like the beach walks.

For you, it might be something else. It might be going on a date after years of isolation. It might be trying a dress that's not loose and hides you. It might be going to a chi-chi restaurant with small tables. It might be applying for a job you're afraid they won't give to the "large" gal. Or guy. It might be going back to school or riding on a jet ski or playing Frisbee.

Do it this weekend or next week or this month or by (chooose a date). Do something really fun and don't let the fat stop you.

Although I do diet (eat in a way to reach goals of health and size) and want to lose 40 more pounds, I value people at every size. Everyone has beauty. Everyone has worth. Everyone has something to contribute to the earth and universe. I didn't always believe it about myself, and that was MY FALSEHOOD. My broken philosophy affected by a society's craziness about beauty and slenderness and money and assorted things. I was a poor, sickly, ethnic immigrant kid, and that colored how I felt about myself due to the images of that time (sixties, seventies). But I'm grown-up now and it's time to come fully into my own. Finally. Late, but hope is always waiting for us...

For a book that might help, I saw this one reviewed on another blog and thought it had a great perspective on LIVING LIFE at any size. The two excerpts I read were nicely written, too.  She may not promote dieting, but she promotes a vital, fulfilling existence where one's value is not tied to one's size. We need to hear that message.

I hope you love yourself more today and live your life happier today....you are immeasurably valuable. Just as you are. And so am I.

Sadness didn't affect eating, but it affected activity...and that needs to end TODAY...with 2 lbs lost...on Mother's Day...which is day 90 of Phase 5

Tanita-san: 201.4

Loss for the week for blog stats purposes (see left sidebar, scroll down, for my weigh-ins) is 2 lbs . For Phase 5 (which required rounding up or down), it would have been 3 lbs (as last week was 204, this would have been 201 rounded down).

I didn't exercise as much this week. After hearing about my sis health issue, I just turned into a couch slug for a couple days. Well, one was to rest my sore muscles. Yesterday was just...lethargy. Mood affects energy, for sure.

But told hubby we're play-walking today. I am not gonna let sadness put me back in inert mode.

I am still thrilled I didn't stress or emo-eat. But I can't let stress or emo-sloth get to me, either. That is caving to circumstances, which is part of what got me morbidly obese to begin with. Reacting, not acting.

I had hoped to be at or under 200 by today. Now, I plan to be in Onederland by next weigh-in. May God speed me on toward my goal...

Quickie Almost Announcement: Since Phase 5 ends in a month, Debbi and I want to continue our weight loss journey with a continuing challenge type thing. It won't be something overly strict, but we do want the people who join in to be serious about wanting to change for the healthier and be willing to do weigh-ins for accountability. Debbi is willing to keep the chart/log on a page of our progress. If you are interested in a summer challenge (though the details are yet to work out), maybe leave a comment of interest or email me (see my right sidebar for how to contact me) so we have your email in order to get back to  you when the details are set. Again, this is for folks willing to be serious with their goals. We want to be mutually encouraged by our progress....

And, finally today....

I offer a Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful mommies out there. My mom and my hubby's, too, are gone from us. We miss them horribly and today is not as celebratory for us. It's more a day of remembering and being grateful for having been loved and nurtured well and faithfully by those who went on before us to see God's face.

Pound Down, an extra Pilates day this week, You and I Gotta do the Work to Change (surgery or not) so View It as An Adventure, Not A Chore... and Gonna Go Vote....on Day 85 of Phase 5

Tanita-San: 202.0

Holy smokes. 1 pound down in two days. Good fasting workout result from yesterday.  I scheduled an extra (ie, third) Pilates session for tomorrow. I want to get to under 200, and if one more session burns more fat, here we go.

I have my walking shoes on and I'm gonna go vote. Mayor and City Council members to choose. Then I'll come back and have my breakfast. :)

It seems like two or three times since the weekend, I've come upon blogs that mention the TOOL aspect of bariatric surgery. Tool. Not cure. Not forever fix. Tool.

I do believe that's what it is. A helper. (And I decided not to rejigger my innards, but I did consider it!) I've seen a couple of bypass bloggers who make the point that the honeymoon period--that first year plus post-surgically-- is a time you're given to get your head/emotions/eating/exercise in order; and when the honeymoon is over, if you didn't learn how to eat, move, and address stress/emotional eating, you're gonna regain.

We've seen it happen. Carnie Wilson, anyone?

So, maybe take a look at this blog post by Dr. Berkeley (author of REFUSE TO REGAIN and owner of one of the more helpful blogs, imo). Interesting liposuction study results. And she says this about bariatric surgery:

As drastic as bariatric surgery may seem, it alone is not enough to create permanent weight loss in many people.  What it does do, quite effectively, is buy patients about a year and a half to change eating  habits.  During the early period after surgery, pain, nausea, vomiting, dumping syndrome and extreme fullness are enough to make the surgically-altered disinterested in eating.  But over time, many people regain their tolerance to larger amounts of food and to the toxic food elements of the SAD (standard  American diet).  If, during the first 18 months, the surgerized have jettisoned S Foods (sugars and starches) and fatty combo foods from their diet, the operation will help them stay slim forever.  If, as is often the case, they have learned to eat "through" the surgery, no amount of restriction or bypass is enough to keep weight from returning.  

A nice window of time to learn new habits and get necessary therapy or do the inner work, to establish an exercise habit, and meanwhile lose a boatload of weight. (Yes, VSG, RNY, they'll get you some serious fat off. Lapband will, too, maybe less.) But the work, you can't get away from it. To be healthy and keep that weight off, the work HAS TO BE DONE.

We're doing the work now, we challengers, blogging fatfighters, etc. We're struggling (or breezing, depending on what phase) through the slimming and we're working on establishing new habits and liking different foods and avoiding junk foods. Some of us have to have radical reprioritizing. Some of us lose our comforts and have to find other, non-food ones.

Surgery or the old-fashioned system of willpower, structure, strategy, exercise, meal plans, etc. Either way, change is hard. Change takes work.

But I've decided to look at it as an experiment and an adventure and new intriguing doors exchanged for old stale rooms....

It makes it more fun that way....

Happy Tuesday...be well...

Day 57 of Phase 5: Back to Basics (which is always good periodically) Because It Is Easy For Fires To Go Out When Plateaus Hit...and I Don't Intend to Let This Fire die! AKA The Royal Game Plan for Not-Freaking During the Plateau...And a mini-rant on the DIVAFICATION of RUBY....

My official weigh-in for Phase 5 Sunday was 215. Stasis as far as the official number. A .2 lbs gain from last week's weigh-in. I'm plateaued.

When I plateau, I look at what's going on and if there is a fixable issue, I work on it. Here's what's going on:

I am using steroid creams (rash), increased my inhaled steroids (asthma, allergies), am using steroid eye drops (allergies), and added steroid antifungal ear drops (ear infection from, yes, allergies). While this is not the same steroid load as when I routinely took prednisone (egads, that sucked monkeybutt), it is absorbed into my body and it's coming from various sources (eyes, ears, skin, lungs, nasal lining). I suspect this is part of what's causing me issues.

I am also just fighting the multiple inflammatory processes that just sprang up like demons heading for spring break on my body.

Because I had some days when I just could not fathoming exercise, due to, well, not breathing much, I exercised less last week.

I'm starting to feel some relief. My rash is not driving me ubernuts with itching and scaliness. My ear pain is reduced. My nose is slightly less congested. My bronchii are a bit better, although when I exert too much, it induces an attack (which when I'm fine and dandy is not an issue unless I do stuff like, well, sprinting or superhard no-rest kind of stuff).

I want to see a loss this week. I intend to see a loss this week. So, I'll be hoping my body stops vexing me.

Meanwhile, to not lose motivation or hope or get frustrated and do something stupid (like, yes, binge), I am going back to basics.  As many of you know, as you go along on an eating regimen of lower calories, you develop a number of set, useful, controlled meals--yeah, I do have set repetitive meals, meals I have measured, gotten used to, prepare quickly, are on my R.D. plan, and are no-brainers, like my veggie-egg whites plus fruit breakfast or my roast chicken breast with lightly sauteed or steamed veggies and herbs-- and I stop measuring event hose cause, well, you get used to it. I think it's those situations prone to portion creep. So, back to MEASURING and WEIGHING even the usual meals.

Today, it was that-- back to measuring. This is just to reinforce the habit of portion control once more.

I had gotten slack with journaling. I'd do maybe a few days out of the week. Not all. Again, this is something we tend to do when we're used to smaller meals and sort of eyeball what's on the plate.

Today, it was back to SparkPeople. Back to putting in every bite and spoonful and cupful and pat and sip.

I had NOT felt like blogging. I hadn't much felt like visiting blogs or commenting.

Today, I made sure to  read some fellow fatfighters, comment on some blogs, and now do my blog post. I do think the staying in a blogging habit is a way to focus the mind ON THE GAME. Motivation can flag too easily. I don't want to flake.

My chest still feels like there's a critter sitting on it. But it's not a tiger anymore. It's a fat cat. So, me and the fat cat will be walking...

I went to Pilates and had a hard time in some positions (for asthmatics, sometimes it's hard to push the air OUT..and it sort of gets stuck, and more fresh air can't really get in, and this is a bad thing, yes). But I pushed on. Talked to the trainers about my plateau, and one recommended more cardio. I mentioned that for me, it's a very fine line between enough cardio (which makes me feel invigorated and energetic) and too much (which makes me crazy hungry and a bit grumpy). For now, I said, I'll wait a bit and see if things move. If they don't, then I'll consider increasing by 5 minute increments or slightly increasing pace, and see. All of it is a "let's see" for me. Don't wanna make things worse--not the breathing, the bad knees/ankle, or the appetite.

Next point: Weighing. I like to do it daily to keep tabs on my fluid retention.

I'm afraid if I get on the scale too soon and don't see it budge, I'll do something immature and stupidbutt like freak and head  in 1 of 2 bad directions: 1. go on a whey fast and not eat real food for a week just to see movement on Tanita-san or 2. stuff my mouth full of whatever crap is handy just to quell the brain turmoil.

I'd rather just wait a few days or wait until the official weigh-in day and not precipitate some crazy dieter reaction. I'm not prone to crazy reactions often. But it has happened. I'm too happy being binge-free for 3/4 of a year+ to do anything to sabotage myself. So, my scale junkie needs to chill.

Next Issue: Affirmations-- I still like to rah-rah myself. But I've slacked off. My mood hasn't been as cheerful and beautiful due to being sick. So, today, I rah-rahed. and I'm gonna be doing a lot of the pom-pom waving to get the psychological circulation up and revved. I sometimes feel really stoooopid affirming myself, but I figure it's part of keeping the right mindset. So, I do it. Feeling stoopid is a small price to pay for preventing slippage into Gloom and Doom Town:


I can do it!
This is not bigger than me.
My body will respond!
I am strong! Stronger than fat!
My appetite serves me, not me it! I rule!

I plan to reread parts of my fave books--poetry, dieting, self-help, spiritual--as a way to keep my spirit up. I enjoy JOY too much to let sickness or a plateau take it from me.

I really do believe that proper actions will and must eventually yield positive results. I'm gonna reinforce basic good habits that got a bit lax as the challenge went on (measuring, journaling, affirmations) and not let this hyper-reactive immune system of mine roadblock me. Ain't gonna happen.

My eyes are on a prize, and that prize isn't NYC with the Kleins and a Christmas Tree....my eyes are on the number 186. The number at which I won't be obese anymore.

So, screw the plateau! I'm lighting fires left and right and this fat old antiquated barn is gonna burn down to a sleek modern cottage with WiFi and craftsman details.

The Princess will not be deterred...and this fat is gonna lose the siege...and this Challenger is gonna win, if not the DDDY-P5 prize,  the war...

Update: Back from walk. 32 mins at a nice clip. Lovely evening with a wispy shy smile of a moon. Gorgeous sky and breeze. Happy! See, this is great for mood issues! A sweet breeze, a gentle moon, the rustle of palm trees, the fragrance of gardenias...how could I be grumpy? Sparkpeople says that my bkfst/lunch/snack have totaled 850 cals. That leaves 350 for supper. Okay. Doable!  4 more glasses of water to go to reach my fluid requirements for the Challenge. So doable. I'm off...nitey.... 

Update 2: RUBY is annoying me like nobody's business. I wanna slap her. And then I remember it's a reality show no longer in it's first season and she's probably used to the attention of all those trainers and counselors and camera folks and is becoming more of a diva....or she wants to create fake drama for ratings. Whatever. She's a whiny pain. Someone please remind her how fortunate she is to be making a good living from people helping her get healthy and slimmer! How many of us get multiple trainers and plush locations in which to work out? I'd have loved to do that obstacle course on the beach, even with my crap knees and bad ankle. It was a specially created course for her, with professionals begging her to try, and she just bitches and says they're mean. Oh, please. Spoiled brat is what she is. She needs to listen to her show's theme song a few times: "I can if I think I can...I can!" Lately, she's a lot of "I can't." And I wonder, really wonder, if it's fake/acting for conflict for viewers? Or is she really just a brat?  

I'm not the only one annoyed with her.

I may stop watching the show altogether....or I may continue to see if RUBY looks around, realizes the shining moment she's been given to get healthy and slim, and grows the F up, stops whining, and finds her inner warrior at last.

Day 51 of Phase 5: The Five Books I'd Recommend To An Obese Person Wanting to Lose Weight (the ones that helped ME, so yeah, subjective); Linking to a Book Review Good for Dieter and Maintainers; My New ASICS Onitsuka Tiger Footwear; And Accepting I Can't Multi-Task! :-/

No scale today. I had to rush out of bed and throw on panties and clothes to answer the door--and then talk numbers with a lawn care dude. And then had breakfast. And forgot. And i don't do weighing after I drink or eat anything..uh-uh. Naked and empty is how I do it.

Okay, since I talked yesterday (after my rant, hahhaah) about what advice I'd give to someone wanting to start a weight loss journey and I specified what I'd put in a weight-loss-encouragment gift basket, today I'm gonna list (prolly not for the first time) the FIVE BOOKS that I'd recommend, cause they helped me 1. reach epiphanies and 2. learn strategies that my (formerly) morbidly obese butt needed to implement. And my (currently) obese butt needs to keep implementing.

Here's the list. I think in future, I will do posts that go more in depth about what I valued in each book. For now, you can google up or amazon up reviews and comments about them.

They are in no particular order other than the first one, which is THE epiphany provoking one par excellence of the bunch for moi:

1. THE END OF OVEREATING by David Kessler
--Helped me understand why I had insane, junkie-like cravings to eat insane quantities of food until I was in pain from the fullness; why I binged; why I couldn't stay on a diet; why chain restaurants and fast food joints become addictive; why I was a food freak. Opened my eyes to one major aspect (not comprehensive, but essential) to why I overate. And how to stop it. And I stopped it.  Lots of science stuff, but once you are in it for a couple of chapters, it hooks ya.  NOTE: It's on sale RIGHT NOW at amazon.com as a "bargain book" for less than 6 bucks. If you want it. :)

2. WHY WE GET FAT by Gary Taubes
-- For many of us (maybe most in Industrialized countries, especially, that do not require morning to noon hard physical labor), yes, it's the carbs. Miles more accessible and readable than his previous one (which was great and an eye-opener for me, but I didn't epiphanize like with this one). Lots of science stuff (but not as densely so as the previous).

3. SWITCH: How to Change When change is Hard by Chip Heath
--Basically, a nice overview of techniques and studies on HOW to change. Since I wanted help with changing how I ate, I figured it was worth looking at non-diet books that related just to...well..CHANGE. How to do it. Here it is.

4. BEATING  OVEREATING: The Easy Guide by Gillian Riley
--If you've ever felt you were addicted to food, then Riley is on your side with techniques on how to beat that addiction. If you use these tools, they work. If you USE them...they work.

5. REFUSE TO REGAIN by Dr. Barbara Berkeley
--Bought this cause I plan to be a maintainer. :) Hopefully by Christmas. :D Turns out it's not just great for those who lost their excess adipose tissue, but for those who are losing it, too. Even if you've only lose 1/10th of what you need to lose, you don't want to REGAIN, right? :)

So, for the fat and the formerly fat, here is a great book by a doc with a practice that seeks to help folks lose and keep the fat off. It's accessible and chock-a-block with well-organized tips.

She takes the Primarian dietary approach (which coincidentally is what my registered dietitian came up with--not that she knew that until I told her--when I handed her the DDDY Challenge menu packet and said, "Adapt this to my medical conditions, please, and make it so I can stay at or under 1200 calories." She did that, and it ended up virtually identical to what Dr. Berkeley recommends.) Primarian is like a modification of Paleo or Primal (meaning she allows some dairy and artificial sweeteners/treats). You can find the link to her blog on my blogroll, where it's been featured since last year. :) She's also on Facebook.

I mentioned REFUSE TO REGAIN last not out of least honorable or useful, but to segue into this link to Sunshine's Heart blog, where Karen, the lovely blog owner of said blog, a very kind and supportive weight loss blogger who used to be in the DDDY and is now in maintenance mode (hooray) is reading, reviewing, and raving about the book.

If you are one of the fortunate MAINTAINERS, you might want to also look at this one: JOINING THE THIN CLUB: Tips for Toning Your Mind After You've Trimmed Your Body.

And if you have issues thinking of interesting meals to cook or for meals on the go while still staying at 1200 to 1600 calories for the purpose of losing OR maintaining, I also recommend:

1. The 400 Calorie Fix (what a neat book! Much nicer than the other X00-calorie types books I've seen).
2. Cook This Not That

Lots of great photos. Easy recipes. Ideas for eating out. All good, right?

Well, I hope this was helpful. If you've read or reviewed a book that changed your weight loss journey for the better, caused an epiphany for you about your relationship to food, or got you moving and cooking healthfully, please post a link to your review to it. Or just leave a comment as to the title and how it helped. THANKS.

Oh, and here's pic of my newest footwear. I am now an ASICS fanatic and in the last few months have acquired 4 pairs. Three are pricier running/multi-purpose ones that I needed for the challenge exercise portion. These are for general fun use, errands, outdoor fests--things where I wanted a jazzier pop of color and didn't need as much stability /motion control and padding. So comfy. Light as clouds. And RED. Me love red footwear!!!!

My Onitsuka Tiger (yes, Japanese name and the box had Japanese lettering!) babies:

Um...I need no-show socks, yes?

Now, I need to go do many things I've been NOT doing. (I really need to finish that book on Procrastination, as that vice/flaw/bad habit is still on my "to conquer" list.) I seem to only be able to focus on two major things at once. With the diet and exercise, decluttering my closets, judging the contest entries, and catching up on reading...many, many other things are falling into disarray and disorganization on a massive scale. Cleaning, decluttering books, editing online at the magazine I volunteer for, bills??? I'm so bad. Off I go to deal...

Happy Tuesday, people! Be well...

Day 44 of Phase 5: Fighting the Hatsume Bloat, Pics--including me and my Baggier Clothes, Feeling Energetic and Joyful, And Recommending the Transformative Blog Series...because the Transformation Inside is Essential....

I refuse to get on the scale. I'm still bloated from the insane amounts of sodium I consumed at the Hatsume Festival and in my Turkish Salad when we ate out Sunday night.

Between the soy sauce, teriyaki sauce, and feta cheese, my kidneys are creaking and the bags under my eyes are undesirable. The heat rash is also not all that becoming, but it's the price I pay for extended exposure to the sunlight in warm weather. I got a horrible case last summer (required steroid shot and cream), but it was worth it for the loads of fun we had.

Making sure I get my fruit in for the potassium. Making sure I do no skimping on water. Making sure I move to keep the blood pumping and filtering. I don't want to screw up my weigh-in cause I'm a Bloatball.

Here are a few pics of the lovely Sunday out (first the Hatsume--meaning "First Bud" --Festival at the Morikami Japanese Gardens) then at the broadwalk on Hollywood Beach to see the Supermoon rise....

My Beloved with the koi pond and well-tended foliage

I had a tough time finding something suitable (and cool enough, as it was in the 80s) to wear. My bed was piled with stuff too baggy to be comfy or flattering. I wanted something floral to represent spring, and I was down to only 3 tops that still sorta fit. One had longer sleeves and was less cool, one was sleeveless and my batwings would have been horridly on display. I went with the one that had a kimono vibe and was slightly baggy, but doable. The new jeans were already too loose in the thighs (though the waist fit okay, which was important and my pants falling is NOT an option).

Here's a pic of my clothes NOT fitting me right (which also makes you look FATTER, in case you didn't know. Well-fitting clothes, snugger in spots, gives you shape. This makes me shapeless. Ugh. Behold:

Ill-fitting clothes, but hey, I'm still HAPPY! And I adore my red Lucky bag...

Lots of nice trees. I saw this beautiful green on one young tree and asked hubby to take a pic. A fresh green that meant "spring" to me:

The baggy top that makes my boobs look enormous and the fresh green leafy tree...

My Sweetie and the Orange Supermoon over the Atlantic

Me, the surf,  and the Supermoon around 10pm

That's me at 10pm. After getting 6 hours sleep and being on my feet since noon. Look at my face. I may be a bit tired, but I'm not dead with exhaustion. Not after walking for 5 hours at the Hatsume Festival, then walking 2.5 hours on the broadwalk. I can still go for more...

 I can assure you, that I would have pooped out long before this before last fall. I would have not been able to do half this much when I was 280 and 300 lbs. I simply did not have the energy and if I stood on my feet more than an hour, my feet and ankles would blow up like balloons. I would pass out.

Okay, so you see, I had a good time doing stuff I could not do morbidly obese. At least, not do as long or with as much joy and energy.


Getting lighter and fitter means we can have MORE fun. :) That matters, right?

Now, on to a recommended blog series: If you aren't familiar with REFUSE TO REGAIN blog and the book by that name, I recommend both. Very helpful. Very tip-savvy. I got the book (which is aimed at those MAINTAINING their weight losses) because I intend to become a maintainer (and to some extent, already am, cause I've been losing and not regaining for a while now). The insight in what it takes to MAINTAIN a loss is key to all "losers." Do yourself a favor. Follow the blog. Get the book. :)

The blog has begun a series by Dr. Barbara Berkeley on TRANSFORMATIVE PRINCIPLES and the first entry is up. READ IT HERE.


I totally believe it is about transforming inside, not just out. All my other efforts were so episodic and brief and inconsistent and lacking in inner change. But the last 4 years of weight loss blogging were this sort of fertile ground that gave me input, input, trial and error, input, and hope. And when it clicked and the transformation began inside for real, then I saw results outside.

It's a process for sure. But I feel different..and I don't mean energy levels, size, etc. I mean...how I see food, how I see the bigger picture of eating...I'm not cured of wanting to overeat and eat bad stuff...but I am so much more sane. No binge in more than 9 months. Who'd a thunk it?

Well, the landscape in my interior is like a garden that's finally coming into a green as fresh as the one in that pic above. It makes me happy.

Be well...eat well....move soundly...believe in change...believe....and keep fighting the fat!

Day 39 of Phase 5: Allergies, Delayed Effects of Lost Sleep, How Far Would You Walk for Chicken?.... and Is This Really The Crap We're Eating Most Often in the US? Plus, You can Donate DIRECTLY to the Japanese Red Cross! ....HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY with a vid that blends the Japanese and Celtic themes of my post today! Eat a HEALTHFUL Green Thing Today!

Tanita-san: 216.8

Man, it feels like it's taking me forever to get to 216.0 (my next milestone).

I'm lethargic today. Yesterday, I got up early (slept just under 4 hours to do so). I was a little "off" all day and draggy, even a bit dizzy, and I curtailed my walk, cause I just felt unstable;  but then perked up at the WRONG time, midnightish. While I slept 8 hours today, I am not feeling myself. This is the price of lost sleep for me in middle age--I have to pay it whenever I curtail sleep. I'm "off" for a few days and it takes me a while to feel back at normal energy levels.

Hoping walking today clears my cloudy head. Hope the pollens and stuff aren't too bad. Been stuffy for days now (and my ears were clogged up on Tuesday).

On the positive: Been making a conscious effort to not default to my car. Here in Miami, with our lousy public transportation, driving is the default. Driving is the mindset. Seriously, people drive 3 blocks to a fast food run.

I normally drive to the Peruvian rotisserie chicken place at least once a week to get some freshly roasted chicken and salad.

Tuesday, hubby was in the mood for some of that chicken, but we walked it. It was dark and breezy, and it was 9 blocks there and 9 blocks back. Then we ate our meals.

In the 10+ years we've gotten chicken there, we've always driven. For most of that time, I couldn't have walked the nearly mile walk. I was too big and it was too hard. And embarrassing.

We briskly walked there and back. :) I can't tell you how much of a victory that felt like. It could have been a mountain climb. A milestone. I can actually walk to do stuff. (Well, I won't in Miami hot summer weather, but I will as long as its clement.)

How far would you go to get your fave take-out meals? Do you drive, even if it's 2 or 4 or 7 blocks?

I was remoting past some channels taking a break from Japan news (yes, I am still obsessed and bummed).  PBS had a show with Dr. John de la PUma. He listed the five most commonly eaten US foods as this:

00:30:30	So do you know what the five most commonly eaten foods are in the U.S.?
00:30:36	No?
00:30:37	They're sugared soft drinks, cakes and pastries,burgers, pizza, and potato chips.

(Note: I got that from the transcript online. Find the whole transcript here.)

Okay, I don't know where he got that list/those stats. I googled it a few times and got nothing. But it's not totally surprising. Supermarkets have entire aisles dedicated to sugary drinks, to salty chips/snacks. Whole aisles just about given over to cookies. How nuts is that? Look how much of the frozen section is about pizza. McD's and BK and their ilk are found every few blocks in major cities. Pizza is EVERYWHERE (and it's one of my trigger foods, so man, that is vexing). Locally (and I'm guessing nationally), we've had an explosion of cupcake bakeries/businesses. Yeah. That's what our fat US asses need. More sugary and icing-topped stuff to gorge on.

If anyone wonders at our ingreasing girth, that list by Dr. Puma is a tip-off.

On to a better way to spend that bit o cash you'd be tempted to spend on a cupcake or pizza....a charitable opportunity:

If you've been waiting to see where/how to donate to Japan relief causes, Google now makes it easy to donate to the Japanese Red Cross. Go HERE and scroll down just a bit and see the various charities they'll let you donate to using Google Checkout. I chose the JRC, but you can choose another. Thanks.

Since a bunch of y'all are wearing green today--"color of green, green for the vine, for the leaves and the branches, the tree of life!"-- and a bunch of y'all have a bit of the Irish in you (as does my 1/4 irish hubster, he of the olive green eyes), let me wish everyone of Irish descent (and those who just love their Irish peops and culture) a very happy St. Patrick's Day.

But please don't eat green JUNK. How does that honor a country or a great man?

Eat something green that will make your body and conscience happy!

Today, for St. Patrick's Day, my green foods weren't green-icing donuts or green milkshakes or green beer. I had spinach, broccoli and green peppers with my breakfast. :)  If you have to drink something green, how about a "Kelly Green" or "Green Goddess" smoothie. These are smoothies I buy locally. They include a variety of green veggies--spinach, parsley, cucumbers, celery, etc-- with a lime and fresh apple juice base. Yummy stuff that's not inebriating, but detoxifying! Here's one you can make at home.

I plan to have something green for lunch: big salad!


I have dozens of Celtic and Celtic-influenced music cds that I've acquired since 1991, when my passion for Irish sounds started. (My fave band is IONA, a band that infuses its music and lyrics with Irish sounds and Celtic spirituality. If you've never heard of them, hie over to Google. This is the IONA whose lead singer is JoAnne Hogg and that put out the excellent BOOK OF KELLS and JOURNEY INTO THE MORN cds in the 90s. )

To hear their haunting version of St. Patrick's Breastplate (a prayer supposedly written by da man hisself), LISTEN HERE. This song is from JOURNEY INTO THE MORN, possibly the one cd I'd grab if the house was on fire and I could only choose one from my hundreds and hundreds.

If you have your corned beef and cabbage for lunch or supper, have some fruit to get Potassium to counteract all the salt. :)  K? :)

I leave you with something that blends the Japanese and the Celtic: Joanne Hogg's song Kokoro to scenes from Ah, My Goddess anime:



Please remember Japan in your prayers, especially the rescue workers, relief workers, and nuclear plant workers trying to contain disaster.

Be well...