A Warring Week, Good Meals, Bad Meals, AKA A Divided Will AKA Old Me vs New Me AKA ARGH!

A week that was all over the place. Some excellent choices, then some bad choices, then some great meals, then some bad meals. Reading to get my good-choice frame of mind in consistent gear. Some praying.

But, really, the decisions were mine, and I chose poorly too often to say this was a winning week.

It's interesting how one can be going along, feeling fine, feeling in control, cooking stuff up properly, watching portions, then, bam, that goes to hell with one self-indulgent choice. The streak ends.

I'm fascinated how I undermine that. I know that I've felt worried and fragile a lot. Worrying about bills and the future and such. Dishing out nearly 7K for property insurance and seeing the checkbook dive, well, that sort of made me wanna dive into the nearest bakery or pizza shop. I went to neither, but I WANTED to.

The OLD ME that binged and relied on food for comfort and joy and hardly took 1000 steps a day, she is still alive and warring with NEW ME, that made sound food choices and got her butt into exercising.

It was years and years of study and work to build up a NEW ME. It felt so good. I was hoping the OLD ME might just go off and die on an ice float or something. I intend for new me to win. But old me is very, very strong. VERY. The anxieties and desire for the brain-hit of comfort.

Anyway, this past week saw me RE-ENTER OBESE ZONE. Yes, I crossed that DREAD BOUNDARY of 185. One weigh in was 185.8. Thursday's. By Sunday, the official weigh-in (listed on my sidebar), it wa back to 183.2. That high weight was partially stoked by tamago and asparagus sushi dipped in super-salty tamari. And the miso dressing. But seeing that number scared me.

And the 170s, which I inhabited for a nice spell and even saw the bottom of, well, that seems so far away AGAIN.

I am also royally ticked off at the doc for reducing my Levoxyl. Ever since she did that, weight has crept up, appetite got up, sleep increased, and I have two vexing new bald spots. It just adds insult to injury. I was already struggling with keeping weight down before she did that. This anger, I do not need.

I find that I'm really sodium-sensitive this month, moreso than usual, the fluctuations, and that might be the thyroid status. No idea. But it's kinda weird. I'm normally not a hoarder. When I had a period, I'd easily go up 4 pounds during the days prior to blast-off, but that was a normal monthly thing, and it would be gone after, so you got used to it.

Anyway, the fight is on here. New Me vs Old Me, and it's fierce. This is the crux. THIS IS WHERE RE GAIN hits the road and become monstruous if not caught and managed. I feel it. I feel that this is where the war is lost or won, this sort of situation where the Old Overeater wants back in, tired of exile. Where the New Me is tired of vigilance and is overcome some days with neurotic thoughts and anxiety attacks. Where food looks like a good old friend who just wants to make me FEEL good again.

Which is, pardon my bluntness. bullshit.

Food Desire is only my friend if it follows the rules of friendly behavior.  If it supports me and doesn't become toxic. If it's a positive force, not a destructive one. The Food Desire that wants "in" now wants in to wreak havoc, not do me good. It's not a friend. I gotta kill it.

That's the deal. Old Me let Food Lust be an enabler and a destroyer. A crutch and a deceiver.

New Me wants food as a partner, to grow and be stronger, not weaker.

I've not surrendered. I'm reading lots of articles on regain. I've highlighted and bookmarked pages in Riley's updated version of BEATING OVEREATING to re-tap into my inner choosing mojo. I've reminded hubby not to be the sweet "whatever you want" guy of the past if I ask for him to get me something destructive. I haven't yet sent him on massive food runs full of crap. The Old Me used to do that--pizza and chocolate cake and enough tacos to choke two horses. So, just in case she shows up, I want him to give me the breathing room of a hesitation and question: "Is that what you really want? Isn't that bad for you?" That's all I need, sometimes. Just to have that moment of stopping, re-deciding.

It's part of taking control, asking, "Is this what you really want? Is this what you choose to have? What are the consequences?"

I have a divided will. Sometimes I answer the question as the New Me: "No, this will subvert my plans for good health. I won't fit into my clothes. I'll feel like a social pariah again."

Sometimes, I answer like the old me. "I don't care. It's what I want now. Consequences be damned, I just want that pleasure NOW."

The devil that is the Old Me is out to get me and make me one of the loser statistics.

I've lost too much. For too long. And it has wrecked parts of my potential and years of my life.

Screw you, devil.

Oh, and yes, I prayed, too.

To those who don't have food issues, well, they won't understand how powerful the lure is. Maybe junkies and sex addicts will get it. But folks who go about and don't self-medicate with food or have old bad habits that grab them back into the pit, they don't get it.

You get it, right?

It's hard.

But we do not give up.

No quitting.

Okay, a new day to get it right. I know all I need is a few weeks of really good days and the new habits reinforce and New Me wins again. For a spell.

I guess this fight goes on for life, as I suspected all along. And it's only easy in periods/stages/phases. Then you put on the armor and go on campaign...again. And again. And as many times as it takes.

Til Kingdom come.

I'll post some of the stuff I gather, cause it helps me. Keeps my head in it. Maybe it will help you. Whether it's for scaring or for encouraging or for illuminating. It helps.

Be well..

I'm a mess, but this baby is gonna get cleaned up cause I ain't putting up with ME being a childish eater aka Working on the Return of the Warrior Princess

Okay, so man, today the scale said 184.0.

Yesterday, it said 184.8

That's right at the border of my acceptable high weight of 185. This is when emergency measures need to be put into place.

THIS IS THE TRUTH!

Ever since I got lax late last year when I got sick, my brain is in "I don't wanna be mature" mode when it comes to eating. I'll have semi-decent (not at all perfect) days with crappy days. The only good thing I can say is that I have not binged.

But with my brain in baby-mode, immature-eater mode, a binge is sure to come knocking, if I do not implement the measures I once did to get out of obesity and stop binge eating.

Tonight, I gotta go dig up my dietitian notes from Jan 2011. I've got them somewhere, and it's a matter of sitting down with my old blog posts, my R.D. notes, some good motivational reading, and getting hubby fully on board.

The child in me needs to shut the hell up.

My brain needs to grow up.

I really hate being out of control. It's not pizza and cheeseburgers out of control, but it is self-indulgent. IT's noshing here and there. It's not sticking to what I know is a good eating plan for me.

This is why I mention that letting go of control for whatever reason--sickness, holidays, vacations--is a bad, bad idea. REgetting control is one mother of a task.

I'm in the thick of warfare with my old bad habits.

I"m gonna win this. Why? Because I have to. Because obesity beckons again. Because grown-ups don't just eat what they wanna when they wanna. Because being mature and in control means you stick to a fricken plan 95+% of the time at least, with only the occasional bobble.

I'm being a brat again. This me, this is not noble or laudable.

I could make excuses. My thyroid is a bit off (with my hair falling out again and I'm sleeping 10 and 11 hours). But I won't. Because EVEN with my thyroid out of whack at various times since 2010, I worked to keep my food intake happy and mature and nutritious and controlled.

This time, the problem is ME.

The solution is....ME.

I'm crafting guidelines for a challenge. I figure if I need to, I activate that as a plan for self-motivation. Worked for me in the past.  I would do it pretty much like I did the others--Slimmer this Summer, Christmas Dress Countdown, Eve 2 Easter. Same sort of requirements and accountability and buddy system and positive support. If you are struggling, too, and if you've completed my challenges  in the past and want "in" again, keep an eye out for an announcement sometimes later this month.

Knocking Out the Food Idiot!!!

For the next four days, my focus will be on empowering that warrior part of me. I gotta knock the stooopid outta me.

Today, I did my strengthening exercise. But today I also swerved the car to my fave chocolatier and indulged in truffles and conversation with the owner.

Yes, I'm a fricken idiot. Feel free to tell me to stop it the hell now. Thanks.

Okay, I'm gonna do some cardiac before I go pick up my organic co-op share, and the whole time, I'm gonna be thinking and speaking affirmations.

This sh*t stops today.

Tomorrow, I'm waking up like a lion. Roaring...

I control me. No one else. ME. The me in control so far is the food-stupid Princess. I'm gonna shoot her dead. Or at least slap her unconscious. She needs to get out of the way of Princess Dieter, the one who isn't food-driven and slothful. I want that royal gal back. I want the Princess Brat exiled or gone and forgotten. I'm too old for this self-indulgence and laziness. Really, way too old.

I felt better when my food act was together. I will be that me again. SOON.

Wish me well....

The battle goes on....

Let's win it.

RfS Mini-Challenge~~ Letters To Myself: You have changed. STAY CHANGED!

Hubby and I, 2003

Hubby and I, 2012

Letters to myself --past, current, and even future:

Hey, Past me!

What a long, hard, exciting, self-discovering road you started online 5 years ago on May of 2007. You didn't know it then, but you were gonna try a host of things to get over your obesity and food issues. You messed up...a lot. But you didn't give up. THANKS for not giving up.

For a lifetime, you fought the body images and propensity to chub up, then fatten up, then obese up. You got to 299, began blogging at 279, and now, five years later, you're 179. Good for you! 100 pounds less than when you started blogging for weight loss. It worked. The blogging helped. It was the right thing to do.

You lost years --decades--to illness and poor habits. You lost opportunities to fear and self-loathing. But you didn't lose hope.

You took hold for a last fighting chance in 2010...and it worked. Losing 120 pounds takes serious mojo--real commitment--no matter the path one takes. For us  (you, me) , it was not a surgical path--though that was strongly taken into consideration as an option. It wasn't a drug-assisted path--cause, really,  you wanted to GET OFF drugs, not get on more, and you didn't plan to stay on any drug for long term (and I'm old enough to remember the horrors of the Fen-Phen).

I'm off the high blood pressure pills. I have resolved the prediabetes. Ya done good.

Hello, current me. What you got to say?

Well: It was not a solitary path,  which surprised the introvert in me.  Though in the end, for all of us,  it comes down to the "I"  doing it, still, I did it with a blog and with bloggy pals and with challenges and with online research and reading and trying and failing and trying again. It was a bumpy road, crazy bumpy road, before I hit on things that I liked and that worked: Pilates, walking, eating with fewer starches and eliminating gluten and most simple sugars. Eating lots of organic veggies, fruits and good protein. Lots and lots of fluids. Lots of mutual encouragements.

It was the path of learning and moving and portioning and studying and rah-rahing. It was the day by day, meal by meal, full of introspection type of path. It was a path supported by people of all types who had a similar fight to fight. And that I have ended up leading challenges was revelatory, as it became a big tool for ME to help others.

Right now, it's a rough patch. With 19 pounds to goal weight, those 19 pounds feel as monumental as the 139 I initially looked at losing. It feels far away and too hard. And maybe I won't get there. I'm thinking this way.

Whether I do or not get to that "magic number",  what is most important is to keep those good habits that took so much work to inculcate. FIGHT to keep them. FIGHT to not regain. FIGHT to learn more and eat better and move consistently.

Because I feel good. I feel better than I have in 22 years. I feel alive again. I feel pretty again. I feel strong. I do feel old--and I am old--but I feel younger than the morbidly obese me.

Little things daily add up to joy: wearing clothes from "non fat" stores. Crossing my legs. More limber sex. Bending over with ease. Playing ball. Walking as the moon rises without feeling like I'm gonna die out of breath. Not using a cart at the grocery store cause I can carry 5 bags  of stuff on my own. Fitting comfortably in my car with space between my belly and the steering wheel. Having my husband praise me and my efforts. Seeing his eyes looking at me like I'm his spanking new bride--again. Wearing dresses again. Liking how I look in pictures (which I pretty much never liked, but relativity and perspsective changes when one transforms).

299 lbs, 2004, "The Blouse" size 30/32

2012, trying on "The Blouse"
which can wrap around me...

Life is much better HERE. That's what I wish I could send back in time to myself in the 80s. Get there sooner.

But to my future self, I say:

Do not lose this blessing, this feeling, this rebirth. Keep this. Do better. Hold on. Remember that it's the majority who lose what they have gained due to complacency. Do not become complacent. Become...a person of good health habits. That's the crux. GOOD HEALTH HABITS....feed that. Nurture that.

You changed. You feel it, right? How internally, you inhabit a better landscape? You moved to a nicer town. The air is fresher. The sky is wider. The trees and flowers here are so beautiful. Don't go back to the dirt and noise and ugliness of the morbidly obese ghetto you found yourself stuck in. Stay here. If you move, move to an EVEN lovelier part of town.

STAY CHANGED. For life.

And life will be better because of it.

Don't lose this fight. Be a warrior...for your (my) own good.

And God bless you (me)> :D

Ready for Summer Challenge Update #6: A mostly FAIL week...

Tanita-san: 179.8
Last week: 178.8

Up a pound.

And I am in this weird sort of floaty, unfocused, demotivated mindset. I didn't do a single cardio workout. I did my 2x trainer workouts (but I know if I hadn't had these appointments, I'd likely have done squat.)

I've been spending a lot of introspection time and a lot of time decluttering (which made my allergies surge up due to dusts). I threw out 5 bags of assorted old papers, magazines, expired hygiene items, threadbare washtowels, clothes (unwearable).

It's like as one project is moving on, my brain can't focus on keeping me diet and exercise motivated completely. I ate out more (salty, fattier than at home), and that is reflected in the gain. Well, plus NOT moving as much.

I have nothing really helpful to offer except that when we don't put the effort in, the results suck.

Also, I'm about ready to call in the maintenance phase. I'm tired this week, so tired, of looking at this out-of-reach number month after month and not getting there. I'm not willing to live on any significant change in calories. I'm not willing to ratchet up the exercise (although I need to go back to my steady level, and that will take effort right now). I need maybe to say, "Okay, accept that this is where you'll be."

I'm THIS close to just saying that. Really.

But I worry it's the demotivated me talking, not the rational me.

This week: I'm setting minimal goals. JUST DO NOT GAIN MORE and find a way out of the blahs.

I wish I were peppier and more encouraging, but right now, I'm stuck in a rut in the road and don't feel the energy to jump out of it.

But I'm not quitting. And I will find the wherewithal to move again...

God bless. Be well...

Day 13 of 84 in the StSC: Another pound down, a great few pages to help you overcome overeating (ie, REHAB yourself) from the book that helped me the most, and the value of sleep...

Tanita-san: 191.2

Yep. Another pound down. I was afraid my "carby" vegetarian eating day yesterday might slow me down or give me a slight bit of carb bloat (I got up to 118 carbs), especially since I had a lot of cheese (mozza and parmesan) on my spaghetti squash (ie, added sodium). But no, worked out fine.

Friday calories: 1088

Part of that is that I'm sleeping fine again. Eight hours. Good rest, I find, makes for good losses. When I sleep poorly or sleep little, the scale stops budging or goes back up. So, yeah, I see this as the factor that has helped the no-cardio week not impede me. I am so antsy to walk, but I won't be a fool and strain what is already strained. I have to recover and be patient. So, no walking. :(

I'm 6.2 pounds away from a merely overweight BMI status. Go, me!

I really enjoyed my veggie day. What I ate:

Brunch: I cooked a smaller sized spaghetti squash in the nuker, and it yielded a lot of "pasta". I made it marinara style (melted mozza, sprinkled parmesan) with zucchini on the side (sauteed in EVOO with some parm on top) and used the Mrs. Dash Italian Medley for flavor. I ate a fresh organic pear and 1 gluten-free (almond flour and coconut) low-carb cookie for dessert. Had coffee and my loads of water.

Dinner: More squash, this time with pesto Calabrese style (red pepper pesto) and mozzarella melted on top. A bit of spinach and mushroom saute on the side (flavored with garlic). Had half a baked apple with walnut butter for dessert. Zevia grape flavored and coffee and water. My Frieling French press has been getting good use lately. Lovely java.

This is a higher carb  day for me, but it came from the fruit and veggies, which I don't mind. That's good carbs in my book. :D

I mentioned how I had cravings earlier in the week that I fought off. I do believe that fighting off cravings matters. For some people, just giving in and having some of a craved food seems to be their solution. It can't be that for me MOST of the time. I find that to continue to have control, I must USE control. I must use that self-control to keep those new habit pathways working as primary. I don't want to default to the REWARD system for things like junk food or sugary treats or trigger foods.

For me, the rehab system described by various sources--for me, notably Kessler in THE END OF OVEREATING and Gillian Riley's work on beating overeating--and part of that is simply saying no. Not justifying caving. Just refusing to cave to "fave food/trigger foods" and old reward systems. When I do that, the cravings pass and I go back to low appetite, calm eating mode. That was yesterday. I wanted a pasta-ey thing, and I didn't want old trigger foods (pasta, pizza), so I made my lower carb, plan-friendly "pasta" dishes.

I felt satisfied. And I felt victorious for saying no all week to the crap that traps me back in cue-reward old habits. I refuse to let food win. This week, I fought the old cues. This week,  I won. You take it day by day, week by week.

Caving to a craving is sometimes okay. But for a lot of us, it can be the trigger to cascade into more cavings and more cravings and a setback. If you're doing well...don't cave Say no. Hold on. Build new habit neural pathways. Get stronger each time you use your "no" muscle.

Cave and you might be back at square one. Seriously. You may not be the sort that does well with sidetracks. It might kill your momentum.

If you have issues with temptation, with caving to overeating, with staying in your calorie level, please read THE REHAB chapter of THE END OF OVEREATING if you can't read the whole thing (highly recommended).

Update so far for StSC:

This week, exercise took a hit due to my injury. So, only got 1.5 hours of exercise in so far this week.

Fluids and prayer were consistent and excellent.

Calories: well under max allowed.

Weekly weight loss goal 1.5 lbs: This week isn't over, but I needed to make it to 191.9 (or less) to make goal. I hit 191.2 today, so I made my goal and exceeded it. Yay!

I haven't quit. I blogged frequently. I encouraged others (though some days were minimal and some days much better).

I am still with my eyes on the prize....

Keep yours on the prize, too.

And enjoy your family holiday....make it about love, not eating.

Be well...

Pound Down, an extra Pilates day this week, You and I Gotta do the Work to Change (surgery or not) so View It as An Adventure, Not A Chore... and Gonna Go Vote....on Day 85 of Phase 5

Tanita-San: 202.0

Holy smokes. 1 pound down in two days. Good fasting workout result from yesterday.  I scheduled an extra (ie, third) Pilates session for tomorrow. I want to get to under 200, and if one more session burns more fat, here we go.

I have my walking shoes on and I'm gonna go vote. Mayor and City Council members to choose. Then I'll come back and have my breakfast. :)

It seems like two or three times since the weekend, I've come upon blogs that mention the TOOL aspect of bariatric surgery. Tool. Not cure. Not forever fix. Tool.

I do believe that's what it is. A helper. (And I decided not to rejigger my innards, but I did consider it!) I've seen a couple of bypass bloggers who make the point that the honeymoon period--that first year plus post-surgically-- is a time you're given to get your head/emotions/eating/exercise in order; and when the honeymoon is over, if you didn't learn how to eat, move, and address stress/emotional eating, you're gonna regain.

We've seen it happen. Carnie Wilson, anyone?

So, maybe take a look at this blog post by Dr. Berkeley (author of REFUSE TO REGAIN and owner of one of the more helpful blogs, imo). Interesting liposuction study results. And she says this about bariatric surgery:

As drastic as bariatric surgery may seem, it alone is not enough to create permanent weight loss in many people.  What it does do, quite effectively, is buy patients about a year and a half to change eating  habits.  During the early period after surgery, pain, nausea, vomiting, dumping syndrome and extreme fullness are enough to make the surgically-altered disinterested in eating.  But over time, many people regain their tolerance to larger amounts of food and to the toxic food elements of the SAD (standard  American diet).  If, during the first 18 months, the surgerized have jettisoned S Foods (sugars and starches) and fatty combo foods from their diet, the operation will help them stay slim forever.  If, as is often the case, they have learned to eat "through" the surgery, no amount of restriction or bypass is enough to keep weight from returning.  

A nice window of time to learn new habits and get necessary therapy or do the inner work, to establish an exercise habit, and meanwhile lose a boatload of weight. (Yes, VSG, RNY, they'll get you some serious fat off. Lapband will, too, maybe less.) But the work, you can't get away from it. To be healthy and keep that weight off, the work HAS TO BE DONE.

We're doing the work now, we challengers, blogging fatfighters, etc. We're struggling (or breezing, depending on what phase) through the slimming and we're working on establishing new habits and liking different foods and avoiding junk foods. Some of us have to have radical reprioritizing. Some of us lose our comforts and have to find other, non-food ones.

Surgery or the old-fashioned system of willpower, structure, strategy, exercise, meal plans, etc. Either way, change is hard. Change takes work.

But I've decided to look at it as an experiment and an adventure and new intriguing doors exchanged for old stale rooms....

It makes it more fun that way....

Happy Tuesday...be well...

Day 57 of Phase 5: Back to Basics (which is always good periodically) Because It Is Easy For Fires To Go Out When Plateaus Hit...and I Don't Intend to Let This Fire die! AKA The Royal Game Plan for Not-Freaking During the Plateau...And a mini-rant on the DIVAFICATION of RUBY....

My official weigh-in for Phase 5 Sunday was 215. Stasis as far as the official number. A .2 lbs gain from last week's weigh-in. I'm plateaued.

When I plateau, I look at what's going on and if there is a fixable issue, I work on it. Here's what's going on:

I am using steroid creams (rash), increased my inhaled steroids (asthma, allergies), am using steroid eye drops (allergies), and added steroid antifungal ear drops (ear infection from, yes, allergies). While this is not the same steroid load as when I routinely took prednisone (egads, that sucked monkeybutt), it is absorbed into my body and it's coming from various sources (eyes, ears, skin, lungs, nasal lining). I suspect this is part of what's causing me issues.

I am also just fighting the multiple inflammatory processes that just sprang up like demons heading for spring break on my body.

Because I had some days when I just could not fathoming exercise, due to, well, not breathing much, I exercised less last week.

I'm starting to feel some relief. My rash is not driving me ubernuts with itching and scaliness. My ear pain is reduced. My nose is slightly less congested. My bronchii are a bit better, although when I exert too much, it induces an attack (which when I'm fine and dandy is not an issue unless I do stuff like, well, sprinting or superhard no-rest kind of stuff).

I want to see a loss this week. I intend to see a loss this week. So, I'll be hoping my body stops vexing me.

Meanwhile, to not lose motivation or hope or get frustrated and do something stupid (like, yes, binge), I am going back to basics.  As many of you know, as you go along on an eating regimen of lower calories, you develop a number of set, useful, controlled meals--yeah, I do have set repetitive meals, meals I have measured, gotten used to, prepare quickly, are on my R.D. plan, and are no-brainers, like my veggie-egg whites plus fruit breakfast or my roast chicken breast with lightly sauteed or steamed veggies and herbs-- and I stop measuring event hose cause, well, you get used to it. I think it's those situations prone to portion creep. So, back to MEASURING and WEIGHING even the usual meals.

Today, it was that-- back to measuring. This is just to reinforce the habit of portion control once more.

I had gotten slack with journaling. I'd do maybe a few days out of the week. Not all. Again, this is something we tend to do when we're used to smaller meals and sort of eyeball what's on the plate.

Today, it was back to SparkPeople. Back to putting in every bite and spoonful and cupful and pat and sip.

I had NOT felt like blogging. I hadn't much felt like visiting blogs or commenting.

Today, I made sure to  read some fellow fatfighters, comment on some blogs, and now do my blog post. I do think the staying in a blogging habit is a way to focus the mind ON THE GAME. Motivation can flag too easily. I don't want to flake.

My chest still feels like there's a critter sitting on it. But it's not a tiger anymore. It's a fat cat. So, me and the fat cat will be walking...

I went to Pilates and had a hard time in some positions (for asthmatics, sometimes it's hard to push the air OUT..and it sort of gets stuck, and more fresh air can't really get in, and this is a bad thing, yes). But I pushed on. Talked to the trainers about my plateau, and one recommended more cardio. I mentioned that for me, it's a very fine line between enough cardio (which makes me feel invigorated and energetic) and too much (which makes me crazy hungry and a bit grumpy). For now, I said, I'll wait a bit and see if things move. If they don't, then I'll consider increasing by 5 minute increments or slightly increasing pace, and see. All of it is a "let's see" for me. Don't wanna make things worse--not the breathing, the bad knees/ankle, or the appetite.

Next point: Weighing. I like to do it daily to keep tabs on my fluid retention.

I'm afraid if I get on the scale too soon and don't see it budge, I'll do something immature and stupidbutt like freak and head  in 1 of 2 bad directions: 1. go on a whey fast and not eat real food for a week just to see movement on Tanita-san or 2. stuff my mouth full of whatever crap is handy just to quell the brain turmoil.

I'd rather just wait a few days or wait until the official weigh-in day and not precipitate some crazy dieter reaction. I'm not prone to crazy reactions often. But it has happened. I'm too happy being binge-free for 3/4 of a year+ to do anything to sabotage myself. So, my scale junkie needs to chill.

Next Issue: Affirmations-- I still like to rah-rah myself. But I've slacked off. My mood hasn't been as cheerful and beautiful due to being sick. So, today, I rah-rahed. and I'm gonna be doing a lot of the pom-pom waving to get the psychological circulation up and revved. I sometimes feel really stoooopid affirming myself, but I figure it's part of keeping the right mindset. So, I do it. Feeling stoopid is a small price to pay for preventing slippage into Gloom and Doom Town:


I can do it!
This is not bigger than me.
My body will respond!
I am strong! Stronger than fat!
My appetite serves me, not me it! I rule!

I plan to reread parts of my fave books--poetry, dieting, self-help, spiritual--as a way to keep my spirit up. I enjoy JOY too much to let sickness or a plateau take it from me.

I really do believe that proper actions will and must eventually yield positive results. I'm gonna reinforce basic good habits that got a bit lax as the challenge went on (measuring, journaling, affirmations) and not let this hyper-reactive immune system of mine roadblock me. Ain't gonna happen.

My eyes are on a prize, and that prize isn't NYC with the Kleins and a Christmas Tree....my eyes are on the number 186. The number at which I won't be obese anymore.

So, screw the plateau! I'm lighting fires left and right and this fat old antiquated barn is gonna burn down to a sleek modern cottage with WiFi and craftsman details.

The Princess will not be deterred...and this fat is gonna lose the siege...and this Challenger is gonna win, if not the DDDY-P5 prize,  the war...

Update: Back from walk. 32 mins at a nice clip. Lovely evening with a wispy shy smile of a moon. Gorgeous sky and breeze. Happy! See, this is great for mood issues! A sweet breeze, a gentle moon, the rustle of palm trees, the fragrance of gardenias...how could I be grumpy? Sparkpeople says that my bkfst/lunch/snack have totaled 850 cals. That leaves 350 for supper. Okay. Doable!  4 more glasses of water to go to reach my fluid requirements for the Challenge. So doable. I'm off...nitey.... 

Update 2: RUBY is annoying me like nobody's business. I wanna slap her. And then I remember it's a reality show no longer in it's first season and she's probably used to the attention of all those trainers and counselors and camera folks and is becoming more of a diva....or she wants to create fake drama for ratings. Whatever. She's a whiny pain. Someone please remind her how fortunate she is to be making a good living from people helping her get healthy and slimmer! How many of us get multiple trainers and plush locations in which to work out? I'd have loved to do that obstacle course on the beach, even with my crap knees and bad ankle. It was a specially created course for her, with professionals begging her to try, and she just bitches and says they're mean. Oh, please. Spoiled brat is what she is. She needs to listen to her show's theme song a few times: "I can if I think I can...I can!" Lately, she's a lot of "I can't." And I wonder, really wonder, if it's fake/acting for conflict for viewers? Or is she really just a brat?  

I'm not the only one annoyed with her.

I may stop watching the show altogether....or I may continue to see if RUBY looks around, realizes the shining moment she's been given to get healthy and slim, and grows the F up, stops whining, and finds her inner warrior at last.

Day 53 of Phase 5: Why Exercise? Here's Why...And don't expect to ever eat a lot again...unless you wanna be one of those regainers we all fear we will be...aka Reality Rock and How To Make It Comfy...

No scale today.

Exercise: Pilates with trainer in the pm; walk outside for 27 mins in the early evening.

I felt bad when I woke up. Congested, sore throat (no doubt from mouth breathing/snoring due to said congestion from allergies). No energy. I was sooo tempted to cancel Pilates. I had gone to bed late cause I am hitting a deadline with some stuff, and I was up late doing it. :P

Didn't cancel. Went. The asthma was a bit acting up, but we got through it.

Felt better afterwards (we did some chest opening positions) and had my healthy lunch, more fluids, and once it got cooler (we got into low 90s today), off I went for my walk. Managed better than day before. Yesterday, I was struggling to breathe. Walking was...a chore. Breathing = very important. Oxygen = critical. Trust me on this. ; )

If I had canceled our session at the studio, I guarantee I'd have vegged out like a zombie, feeling sorry for my sickly butt. Instead, the blood got pumping, and I had to focus on breathing deeply, and I had to get my mojo going. And in the end: felt better, got my energy back to maybe 80% . Mood drastically improved, to the point a fella at the farmer's market (I needed produce) said, "My, you're very happy, aren't you?" And I said, "Yes! I am VERY happy!"

Exercise--makes you FEEL better, aside from everything else.

Anyway, for those still couch-potato-ing it, here's an article that might push you into moving:

EXERCISE: ANTI-AGING AND OTHER METABOLIC BENEFITS

If that made you wanna start moving, then here is a google list for you. Start reading. Get on it TOMORROW or-- if it's early where you live--TODAY.

I was calculating how much I should be losing on 1200 calories (roughly). It's not pretty. I know my metabolism is damaged, and I knew it most clearly when I checked what it took to maintain a year ago or so. I lost less than average when I was 268 (which I learned by tracking my food and looking at what the average loss should be at that weight with my calorie deficit). I was lower than average. I was off by about 250 calories. Meaning, I maintained at that many calories FEWER than the average estimates for my height/weight/age.

But by my rough calculations, at 1200 calories, at my current weight, it's about a bit over one pound a week, a pound and a half if I exercise daily--hard.

This is not the cheeriest bit of news. But, okay, not gonna whine. At least I know I can lose. I just gotta take a longer view than some. All I gotta do is focus on eating soundly (and not a lot) and moving well and let my freaky body do its thing at its pace. I do more than an hour of exercise 2x a week, and I do at least 30 mins or more the other days, other than my one day of rest, my Sabbath. That is not  unsustainable for me for life.And I do have this long view: What can I do as I continue to age? If I can't sustain it, then what is the point? Go through all this just to be fat and inert again?

I constantly assess: What can I sustain? How can I live and be well, but not feel trapped in an obsession of "health mentality"?

(I say this with the understanding that I've set aside this period of my life to GET out of obesity so I can then stay OUT of obesity while actually getting other stuff/projects done and dreams fulfilled. This is step ONE. Get to healthy weight and healthy habits so other dreams can take center stage. This is the foundation.)

I don't intend to do the TBL type of thing and exercise hours a day to get a bigger weekly loss. And I'm not gonna eat less and go hungry. So it is what it is. My final goal weight may end up being heavier than current goal weight. It all depends on what is SUSTAINABLE.

 So, between my metabolic reality, my weight goal, and my exercise-feasibility--I reminded myself that the way I'm eating now is pretty much how I'm gonna eat for life. A bit more perhaps until I get older and need to cut back. But I don't foresee being able to eat more than 1400 to 1500 calories unless I want to get obese again.

That's why you don't go off diets, really (unless you're a big guy or an athlete or a manual laborer and can eat scads more than many of us/most of us). You have to eat less...permanently.

I wish it were otherwise, but I guess I see this sort of eating as the training ground. I may be able to eat 200 to 300 calories MORE and maintain a goal weight close to normal. Maybe even normal--though I doubt it. But really, 200 to 300 more is NOT a lot more. It's a nice bit of leeway, but it's not , "Hey, let us eat cake and pizza" leeway.

The way you're eating to lose. Can you sustain that, a close snapshot of that, for life?

If not..re-evaluate. Cause you can never go back to how you ate before without regain.

The exercise needs to become a habit. The food vigilance needs to become a habit. The acceptance of limitations to our hedonism needs to become part of our philosophy.

I'm working on that. I tell myself this every day: It's gotta be like this every week and month and year from now on...keep going. Make it a habit.

Okay, what a bummer kind of reality-slap note to end with.

But really, not. I guess. Facing the truth can liberate us from wild expectations. Getting slimmer and stronger doesn't make the food issues magically disappear. If it did, no one would regain, right? It's liberating because we understand that if THIS is how it must be, then our energy can go not to dreaming about "off the diet splurges and binges", but dreaming about how to maintain healthy habits and grow old with better mobility, flexibility, strength, cooking skills, food shopping savvy, and enjoyment of healthful feasts.

It means growing up about food. And at 51, it is long past time I did that. I feel...like I'm maturing in that area. Mature people don't delude themselves or whine about what they can't have. They face the rock and the hard place and make it work as a livable place that helps them prosper.They sew cushions and plant radishes and sing songs right at the rock face.

Late-blooming is better than never-bloomed...so, start planting flowers next to that reality rock....

Happy resting for those reading this late..or GOOD AND HAPPY NEW DAY for those reading this tomorrow....

Day 36 of Phase 5: Calm, Lovely Weather, Calm Appetite, And Slept Heavenly....And the Decision That Made It Possible to Lose Over The Past 9 Months...And Will Keep Me Losing This Year...And How to Stop Vegetating and start exercising...And Not Letting Your Own FALSE Beliefs About Yourself Defeat You!

Tanita-san: 217.0

That's officially 82 pounds down now. Need to update the ticker.

Sleep is good again. Nose is a bit stuffy (allergies), but other than that, I feel fine. Appetite, which had gone a bit wayward recently, is nice and calm again.

I wish I lost faster, but this is how the Mir Body rolls. As long as I stick with it, I will get there. I will get there. That's the key. I just gotta do what must be done. As the Challenge leader emphasizes: If the plan is sound and you follow the plan, you get results.

I have a sound eating plan written for me by an R.D. that is very similar to any healthy eating plan (lots of veggies, lean protein, healthful oils in minimal amounts, various nutritional components accounted for, fresh fruit, occasional treats), tweaked for my insulin resistance and allergies. When I follow it to a tee, I get very good weigh-ins. When I fudge a bit here and there or sub poorly, I lose less. Although, some weeks, I eat perfectly and my body just holds on for reasons of its own or cause sleep is affected or whatever.

But the fact remains: A good eating and exercise program, followed pretty religiously, yields results.

And the proper mindset helps. I stopped thinking "diet" and started thinking "forever". Can I eat like this if I have to eat like this for life?

I decided that yes.  Despite the sense of deprivation about some fave foods (and especially trigger foods), despite the many "no's" that must be said, I can eat like this from now on in order to be a healthier older me.

That decision was key for me. A yes to no more self-indulgence. IT was the turning point.

Certainly, information helped--certain blogs, certain books. And having hubby and family be supportive (especially as another family member went on her own weight loss journey and has dropped 50+). Certainly challenges helped (one in summer 2010 on my old blog, and the DDDY challenges that began in October.)

All those were part of learning and pushing, establishing new habits, and consistency, and accountability...

But it came down to realizing this was it. If I wanted to stop being obese, I had to radically change and accept that change as a permanent lifestyle. Not a "fix". A renovation. A resurrection or rebirth. A whole mental adjustment (though that also evolves).

You learn about how you CAN do it. And whenever you say you CANNOT do it, then you make that the prophecy that fulfills.

Stop saying you cannot do it.

Say you can. Believe you can. Cast aside what stands in your way, even if that means you have to cast aside some of your own beliefs about yourself.

I'm still in the process of learning and casting off burdens and false beliefs.

It's hard work.

But every week is a new week to challenge and change and make those new habits more deeply entrenched.

Today, stop saying you cannot. Stop saying, "I gotta do..." Just do it, already. :)

If you want to eat less: Eat less. Make a plan. Post it on the fridge. Follow it. Buy only foods that help. Stop going to restaurants that don't add to your health. Focus on what you can have, not what you can't.

If you want to exercise: Move already. Right now. Get up from that chair, set your kitchen timer for 3 or 5 minutes, and just march in place. Dance. Move your arms around. Do jumping jacks. Or go for a 5 or 10 minute walk...right now!  Plan exercise into your day. What's the best time to walk: walk it . Set your alarm for exercise the way you do for work. Stop saying you will...and do it now. Today. Before bed. Don't let yourself eat until you do.

I'm a Master Procrastinator. I know if you/I don't do it now, it's easy to put it off and, before you know it, it's bedtime.

Look over your blog. What do you keep saying "I'm gonna.." and you  never get around to. Prioritize it right now. Not "gonna" or "hafta" but "doing it" and "did it". :)

That includes me. Just do it...already! Get on with it.

It doesn't matter if you have burdens and isssues, emotional or medical or spiritual, start getting over it. You can.


And if it's a pound a week--which makes some of us nuts--then that's what it is. A pound a week, 52 lbs a year, 104 pounds every 2 years. You'll get there. I'll get there.

Here is a recap of my slow journey:

I lose slowly, and even more slowly now that I'm a lot lighter than, not just my highest, but my start of this REAL lifestyle change journey. I began to work on my issues with vigor in 2007 at 289 (highest weight 299 recorded at home, probably went over 300 a scosh, who knows?). Working and learning.

In 2008, I began to tackle exercise in earnest, cause I was having little/very slow/snail-like changes in weight. I figured if while eating organic/some raw meals/mostly fruits and veggies and lean/but still in too many calories to drop loads of weight--I needed to try another angle. I had  avoided exercise like crazy. So heavy. So tired (medical issues are part). Such bad knees and ankles. I had all the reasons not to.

Excuses...right?

So, I researched what would be good for me, given my asthma (cardio terrified me, as I got attacks), bad joints, morbidly obese.

I chose Pilates for it's health benefits and ease on joints. And it's not cardio.

Even my trainer couldn't get me to do cardio. I had a mental block.

Only the recent challenge got me walking. I find I like it. I still can't run. I tried. Too much pain. But I can walk FASTER than I have in decades. And it feels good. I take my meds with me on my walk, just in case, and I do fine. Started with 10 mins and am up to 25 to 30 now.

I still have to force myself to get going on exercise. Part of that couch potato soul of mine still wants me inert. But I've been doing consistent, regular workouts, beginning with 3x a week, sometimes 2x a week, and since Phase 5, more often, of course. The ideal is 6x a week. One day of rest. (God says so. heh.)

June 30 will mark 3 years of consistent Pilates workouts with a trainer. Very expensive. My retirement funds have taken a loss (not that I took money out, I just put less in). I figured if I was going to have a retirement and not die from some early chronic disease, I better get fit.

Ideally, once I'm at goal weight and in the habit of exercise, I can continue with just classes, videos, walking, and no longer have to shell out 7K+ a year for a trainer. It's killing my budget, but I see this as a physical/health emergency. It's gotta get done.

So, start, if you have to with 10 minutes of walking or marching in place or an exercise DVD or energetic dancing 3x a week. Do that for two weeks or a month. Go up some. Make it 15 minutes 4x a week. Or 20 minutes 3x. Do that for a few weeks. Then add strength exercises. With weights or using body weight (push-ups, leg lifts, etc).

If you have Comcast or some cable with "on demand" type services, use their exercise videos.

The thing is to be consistent to make it a habit. To make your body and brain expect movement at such times of the day to do X type of workout. Make it a habit. It has to become a habit. An appointment you don't let yourself miss (too often, anyway).

Don't believe the lie your brain or heart tells you that you can't, just cause you never have made it a habit before. It's a lie. You can make a habit of anything (good or bad). If you overeat and undermove, you made habits of those. Make new habits. It may take YEARS to ingrain the habit, so it's a good thing start now. Don't waste more time. Start small, but consistently. Increase...vary...challenge yourself just bit by bit. It works. It will make you feel GOOD! I promise. You'll feel like you accomplished a major thing. I swear!

Trust me. Muscles feel good. :)

And how will you feel if you let another day pass and do NOTHING to move toward your goal? Yeah...think about that....

Cheerleading done for the day...later! Be well!

Day 16 of P5: Thank you for birthday wishes; ASICS rocks! And it was a nice break from over-internetting; typing hurts; and realizing a shift in daily attitude and habits are actually entrenching....

Tanita-san: 220.6

I had weighed in on  Sunday at a rounded 222 (rounded up from 221.6).

To all the lovely folks and pals who dropped by here and on FB to wish me happy birthday, I thank you. I truly believe that well-wishes and good thoughts and prayers and blessings exert a powerfully good effect on those upon whom good is wished. So, thank you, thank you!

This weekend was full of fun and the weather was great for me turning 51. My family did not sabotage my birthday party. The food was wholesome: roasted pork tenderloin, shredded chicken breast in a light tomato sauce, brown rice,  arugula and romaine salads, broccoli slaw, fresh fruit salad (just chunks of various fruits), homemade tzatziki made from low-fat Greek yogurt, herbs, garlic, cucumber with strips of orange peppers, baby carrots, sliced cucumbers for dipping. And low-carb ww pitas for those inclined. I took a box of handmade, fresh, dark chocolates for everyone to share as dessert, enough for two pieces per person.

I had asked for no birthday cake (you know, the sugary, calorie-rich frosted stuff). My middle sis did bring a cake (which the kids appreciated, cause they were stunned there was no cake with candles). Sis got a sugar-free angel food cake, sugar free whipped topping, and berries. It was amazingly low-cal substitute for a traditional birthday cake.

I took two bags of my don't-fit-anymore clothes to give away.

And I had to go shopping twice. There may not have been a big  poundage drop in the last 2 weeks...but I kept having trouble finding stuff to wear. I pulled out shirt and top after shirt and top and it was all baggy. Even stuff I bought not that long ago. My lowest size jeans I got in December (buying a size lower for future use) needed a belt. So, I went and got  3 pairs in 18/20 at Avenue (along with some 14/16 camisoles). Then yesterday, we went to TJ Maxx to get stuff for hubby...and I realized I might be able to find stuff that fits. (I never could before). Got a couple tops (that fit now in XL and XXL) and some workout pants in XL that are too small now but should fit in a month or so. Cheaper than catalogs!

I had the same issue some other challengers have had: I keep reaching for a larger size than I need. I now know I actually AM DOWN a size, so I need to shop accordingly. I'm using the smallest sizes at Avenue now and in the Old Navy Plus size section (1x), so soon I will start seeing what other "regular" stores have to offer...

I will say I got so many comments and amazed looks at my party. I'm still not used to that. A couple folks hadn't seen me since Christmas Eve, so I guess that's about 15 pounds gone since then.

Anyway, if you overpronate and have troublesome joints, try ASICS. I am having happy feet with my ASICS, three pairs so far, not all the same style,  and now it's my fave sports shoes. I used to be a total New Balance and Brooks lines aficionado...but dang if ASICS 2160  just blew them outta the water. Oh, man. Sweet!

Taking time away from blogging and mega-internetting was good. Head feels...settled. I don't feel overloaded. I may do that periodically.

Ow...it hurts to type. I have an infection on my L index fingertip, and every keystroke with that bandaged digit is an ouchie.

What doesn't hurt and is very nice, indeed, is realizing this weekend, where we went out and ate out and had a party and I never felt like a food-freak out of control, that it's nice to wake up and feel like I won't blow it.

Doesn't mean I won't....but I never consistently had this, "I will get through another day and not let food own me" attitude and feeling. I thanked God for it. It's so...freeing. Like I don't have to fear every temptation...cause I can say no better, easier, less painfully.

I still have to plan, think, shop, assess, and strategize dinners out...but it's easier and more natural to do it now. There are simply things I cannot buy at Publix and things I cannot order in restaurants. And to focus on what I can buy and can order....it makes decisions easier.  I am not perfect and I sometimes do screw up. But I screw up... A LITTLE. Not ogre-sized screw-ups. I might mess up 100, maybe 150 cals. I don't mess up 1000, 2000, or Lord Help Me, 3000 + like I have too often in the past.

You know what? It's easier to correct for small screw-ups, small indulgences. It's REALLY HARD to correct for binges, for the ogre-sized, for the dragon-deluxe messes.

Being in a zone where the mess is more manageable than ever in the last 20 years...there are no words for how liberating that is.

However, I know I can't think of slacking. That's a slippery slope. The allowances I made, smaller ones, for my birthday party is/was a treat. I kept it a wholesome party, but it was still a celebration. I still loosened up that rope some. And it's time to take back the slack and be vigilant and do what we're required to do on this challenge.

I find that consistency makes consistency easy. In the beginning of these challenges, being consistent was crazy hard, but the effort to be so eventually made consistency a bit easier. Every week of living with sound food boundaries makes the boundaries easier.

I wonder if this is in part why staying at goal weight and maintaining 5 years means you have a greater chance to stay there for life? Because week in and week out for year after year, those habits are more and more deeply entrenched, become automatic, the limitations become a safety zone (rather than a shackle) mentally.

Well, I want a safety zone. On my own, I get to 300 pounds and would go beyond. I want the boundaries and the habits of food strategy. I don't want to ever think again, "Oh, it's my birthday, and I can eat anything I want and how much I want." Then, oh, it's the kiddo's birthday, I can eat...oh, it's Christmas, I can eat anything and...oh, it's my niece's wedding, I can...

I want a different mindset. I wanna think, "Oh, it's my birthday, what active and health-inducing thing can I add to my celebrations." (This year, it was jumping rope. Next year, if we can afford it, I want to arrange a taiko drumming workshop for the fam/kids or maybe a self-defense one.)

It's better to look forward to DANCING THE NIGHT AWAY at a wedding rather than eating it away.....VOLLEYBALLING at a beach outing rather than basting and snacking....yes.....!  It's better to get the kids excited about canoeing at the park than about scarfing down huge plates of BBQ and boxes of cookies there. Why set kids up for wanting crap like we do? New traditions....for everyone...is not a bad thing. :)

This year, my birthday party marked my new tradition. No more crap-laden birthdays. Some treats, fine. But mostly good, wholesome, nourishing, lower-caloric foods. The tradition began THIS YEAR....and I plan to make it my new tradition. For hubby, too. I want him to be healthy and gorgeous right into his retirement years.

And what did we do besides jump roping? I bought a medicine ball and hubby and I threw it around Friday and Saturday. 10 pound medicine ball.

Every little bit counts...every little positive bit adds to the positive...

Anyway, that was my birthday weekend--new traditions, new exercise equipement, new clothes....cause I want a new life. :)

Later. Be well...I will catch up on my fave blogs over the next couple days (since my car is in the shop due to some jerk messing the doors up while I was out on errands Friday). Hope things are well with my fellow fatfighters!

Day 5 Son of DDDY Challenge: Some bloat loss, still not additional loss, and the crazy hard job of establishing new habits re portions, fighting stimuli, strategies that may be nuts-sounding but necessary, and naysaying cues that lead to overeating...plus food/water log, natch.

247.8

Down at last. Yay. But...Still half a pound over where I think I should be considering what I've been eating and drinking.

Not discouraged. Not giving up. Just wondering what the hell is up with my body is all. I was moving nicely along and then not so much. Female bodies are weirder about this stuff then men's it seems (at least from my experience as a female in a family with males and a reader of both male and female blogs).

Weird shit happens. And you just stay the course or make corrections. You do not give up. Ever. Period. No giving up.

I know I'm being accountable. I'm not bullshitting the world or myself with my food log. I had bought shiny new measuring spoons, measuring cups, smaller serving plates and small serving bowls, all in the goal of constraining, containing, and quantifying. I'll even take apart restaurant meals IN THE RESTAURANT (or ask them to take it apart for me, literally, before serving), so I can eyeball measure the ingredients.

I brought a salad home yesterday, all prettily put together, threw out their dressing, took apart the components measured them before reassembling on a plate. Just so I could KNOW. I post at my SparkPeople nutrition tracker to get the calories per weights/measures before I log here on my blog. So I KNOW.

I even measured out where 2 cups of water is on a patterned glass (ie, 2 cups measured comes up to the tip of a particular leaf in the etched pattern). That way, I don't have to measure out two cups each time. I know where to pour up to.

These are all new habits I'm establishing. These are all breaking the cues: Eat at once. It looks good and smells good and you know it tastes good, so just go for it. Just grab the food, toss in in the plate, eat it. Don't measure it, just dig in.

So, I know I'm not cheating on calories (though nothing short of a laboratory is absolutely precise). My body is just not cooperating. Plateau?

I can wait and let it do its thing. I can cut calories. I can move more. Those are pretty much my options.

Right now, I"m going to keep things the same for a couple days and see. If things don't budge, then I will consider the readjusting calories. Patience for now.

I was reading THE END OF OVEREATING in the john (and all of you with weight/overeating issues need, need, need to read this), because I am clearly still in the hard work of establishing new habits. New habits about the size of meals, about the quantity of water, etc. I am looking at my cues and learning to self-talk myself out of the stimulus-response.

And trust me, there's a lot of stimulus in my life/city/world. Some things are easier to do:Tell hubby to take his snacks and crap away from any place I can SEE them FIND them --literally out of here, like to his music room where I rarely go or to his office at work, where I never go.

Others are trickier. The boulevards we drive on the way to places and on the way home are chockablock with cues. I always, always get the urge to go in x and y drive-thrus. Always. It's like Pavlov hit me with a taco or fried chicken stick while I was driving this road.

So, I've been driving down OTHER roads. I mean, there are times when I take some really convoluted back roads to my house to avoid triggers.

Other times, when I'm rushed, I'll have to self-talk: No, you don't want a burrito. No, you don't want a hamburger. No, you don't want pizza. No, you're not getting pastrami at the deli.No, you will not stop for X. You will not stop. It's not an option. It's not worth it. You'll regret it. You will NOT.

I feel a great sense of success when I do not follow the cue to behavior: ie, stopping or driving through. Scarfing up everything in the bag.

Sometimes, the cue is a menu. Seriously. Sometimes, all I have to do is come upon a take-out menu and I want it all. I want to order  6 things, 7 things, I want to eat 10 things. This happened to me at the Thai Place. I wanted something salty, but I wanted to get veggies, not just chow down on cheese and crackers. Thai gives you salt and spice and veggies. I wanted so much suddenly. I felt that weird binge urge. It was STRONG. I thought, "Shit, I need to stop now and forget about the Thai food."

But I held that menu for like 30 minutes fighting the urges. One by One. The one for fried egg rolls. The one for curry chicken. The one for fried dumplings. The one for ..... One by one. No, no, no. Won't have that. What can I have that has fewer cals and more veggies.

I had what I put in my food log. Pretty much the  most taste-but-lowest cal options I could find. (Yes, steamed veggies would have been the rock bottom, but that wouldn't cut it, salt or tastewise).

It could easily have been Waterloo and Napoleon. Instead, it was more Wellingtonian. :)

But menus are definitely bad, bad cue-instigators. Menus from places I've eaten and know what's tasty.

One way to get around that is not to have menus: Make your own. Get a Word Document going, add each restaurant you frequent, add only the names/prices of the foods you SHOULD order (and the ones maybe a spouse orders). And ditch the takeout menus. Use only the "safe" non-cue menus. I need to do this.

Okay, back to the challenge:

I was super great on water yesterday. I was pretty good on food. I was crap on sodium, and I can't work up too much of a righteous indignation about that.  If I can't have the super indulgences of the past, I decided I'm still having the salty thrill. For now, at least. I may have to reconsider that, too.

Yesterday's challenge stats have me under calorie limit and way over fluid optimum:


Total Calories:  1594 (c39/f37/p24)
Total Fluids:  248 oz

Woke up thirsty again. Water will be huge on the agenda. Again. :)

Have a great and healthful weekend, people!

BREAKFAST:
2 slices Ezekiel Bread
1/4 cup sharp cheddar shreds
2 eggs fried in tsp Smart Balance
1 cup papaya chunks
1 cup raspberries
2 cups coffee (16 oz fluid)
10 glasses water (6 before eating, 2 during, 2 after) : 80 oz

bkfst calories: 576
bkfst fluids: 96 oz

(feel very full)

LUNCH:
homemade lower-cal, lower-fat, lower-sugar Pastrami Reuben
(3oz turkey pastrami, 1 oz lower-fat Swiss Cheese, sauerkraut, and dressing made
from 1 tbsp lite mayo, 1 tbsp low-carb ketchup, 2 tsp sugar-free sweet relish)
1 cup mixed strawberries and pineapple, 2 cups watermelon chunks
2 cups decaf with sucralose
6 glasses water
assorted supplements

lunch calories: 596
lunch fluids: 64 oz

calories so far: 1172
fluids so far: 160 oz

SNACK:
2 glasses water (16 oz)
1 bag Kay's Natural honey almond protein cereal

calories so far: 1272
fluids so far:  176 oz

DINNER:
WS Vanilla protein shake (made with 6 oz water and 1/3 cup milk) (128 cals)
1/3 cup skim milk
(total fluids for above about 8.7 oz)
2 glasses water (16 oz)


Total Calories:  1400 (c48/f27/p25)
Total fluids: 200.7 oz

Face The Truth Fridays: More than a Half a Pound Up, But Fit Into Goal Jeans and Waist is 1/4 inch less. Huh?

695 days, 5 hours, and 93.2 pounds to go...

253.2

Yep. It went UP.

As I expected. As I posted that I expected.

Still sucks.

That's 3/5ths of a pound more than last Friday.

The truth I'm facing: I am letting portions go up. I am not saying no as often as I should. I let some of the worst carbs creep back in (white rice, white crackers). I restrained myself--I really, really did. No bingeing. No insane portions. Just...too much to adequately bring loss.

It was laziness. It was losing focus.

I'm facing another truth: I don't understand my body this week. While washing my face this am, and seeing a clear view of my nekkid and just-woke -up self, I looked thinner. In my middle. I was staring at my torso and thinking, okay, something has gone down here.

But Mr. Tanita says otherwise. (ie, my brand of scale)

But what I wore yesterday neeners the scale.

So, I got the tape measure.

While I'm up 3/5ths of a pound, my waist is down 1/4 inch. This jibes with yesterday's wardrobe.  I finally fit in my goal jeans and wore them out yesterday--with red shoes and a red tank top and red lipstick and red nail polish to celebrate the NSV. Felt great to zip them up, button the two buttons, and see that they fit perfectly. Size 22. At my highest, I wore sizes 28-30. So...

WTF? I'm up on the scale but into the goal jeans. And the waist is a tad tad smaller. And I can SEE my naked body has shifted some.

I get an idea. I go get a nightie I bought that didn't fit. (I have bought so many goal jeans, nighties, and dresses, it's not funny. And usually never made it into them in time to enjoy them while in style. Now, I only buy classics as "goal clothing".)

It fits. I'm wearing it as I type. Looks good. Hubby says it looks good.

Huh.

One clue may be from my training session. I felt strong yesterday. Stronger than usual. I got asked by two men if I needed help carrying my huge box of fruits and veggies from the coop. I thanked them and shooed them off. 'No, thanks. I'm strong.' And I was.

I had no problems with the heavy box, AND my heavy shoulder bag.

My trainer commented on how my strength and stamina are up.

So, maybe it's the muscle-fat thing. Maybe some muscle has switched places with some fat.

I know I didn't eat enough to gain even one pound. I ate enough salt to gain 5 pounds, sure, but I didn't. (I suspect yesterday's treasure trove of veggies and fruit supplied potassium to balance that a bit.)

So, whatever. I did NOT meet goal. I am behind schedule. Not acceptable.

I have gotten lax again, and I did not continue reading my motivational materials (the books on change and such), and I caved to cravings here and there .

I remember spending years in the 270's, futzing up and down. I don't intend to do that in the 250's. I haven't been here long, and I don't plan to be. Fewer than four pounds are keeping me from leaving this "decade". I won't be defeated by them.

And in fewer than 8 pounds, I can leave the "morbidly obese" category.

I've also faced another truth even more soundly: I can change my habits. And by doing that change "our" habits (hubby's and mine).

Hubby and I normally go out and eat up the town on his days off (he's off today, he's off Monday, yay! Boinkarama calorie burnoff time!) If I had said, "Let's go out for Italian" or Mexican or whatever, we would have been out there, scarfing. I'm the one who reads up reviews and suggests new places. So, if I only choose healthful places with good choices, I affect both our healths. I affect our weights. (Hubby is only mildly pudgy (as you can see in his pic in a previous post) while I am a barn.)

I seriously looked at him for a second, thinking, yes, I can get him to go out for bagels and omelettes. I quickly knocked that down. I'm talking a matter of 5 seconds and my inner rational dieter said: "No. Go make him something lean and healthful and go make your own meal, too."

I did just that. I made him lean turkey fricasse over some rice and peas (he loves rice) with a fresh apple, and I had my low-carb breakfast with coffee. I had some papaya with lime for 1. taste 2. enzymes 3. nutrients 4. anti-bloat potassium and 5. its color makes me happy.

We were both satisfied and we both did our bodies a service by not overeating.

And we saved moolah.

So, the truth is, eating less means I spend less, and that's money I can use for something healthier for me (paying my trainer, buying my vitamins, saving for retirement).

Truths: I gained weight. I failed the Prime Directive Goal. But I met other goals--fitting in those black jeans, saying no to some temptations, wearing this nightie with comfort-- and had behavior modification victories that tell me I am changing.. I'm very pleased with the latter items--very--while sad about the first. No, not sad. Mad. Mad at me.

Can one be glad and mad at the same time? Yeah, looks like it. :)

But next week, I plan to be very pleased with myself. So...there it is. Truth.