Ready for Summer Challenge Check In #4: I"m late again...I'm hardly budging again...Um...yeah

Okay, so the busyness and stress have made me late..AGAIN. Sorry, Maren and all. I don't think I'm the only late one, as only 32 folks have linked up (I took a peek). We started with 50+. Last week was 45 linkies. Where'd everyone go??? That's a steep drop for only 4 weeks in....come back!

Okay, the update...

The essentials:

Weight: 179.2
(it was this Sunday, and it's this today)

Waist: 34.75

Last week:
weight: 179.4
waist: 34.75

How I did with goals:

Weight: -0.2 lbs which = maintaining, essentially

Calories: Oh, geesh. Not good. Only two days at goal. Every other day was a bit to more than a bit over. I only had one big setback: a day when I just was hearing chocolate. I had 5 pieces of dried apricots and peaches dipped in chocolate. My bad. Yes, stress makes me want chocolate. I'm surprised I didn't dive face first into a pizza, frankly. Gratefully, I did not. I dove face first into fruit smoothies a few times. Better than pizza.

Exercise: 1 strengthening session with trainer, 3 walks. Missed goals by 1 for each category.

Fluids: Messed up one day. I just flaked that day altogether. I was in just this haze of stress.

NSV: I can't think of anything other than I didn't stuff my face daily with bad crap given I am really in a bad stress place and anticipating some more upheavals (though I'm praying hard that this won't be necessary). Maybe I should feel happier about that--the not binge-ing or freaking with food--glad that I didn't totally go berserk when I feel that agitation rising. Maybe that IS my NSV. That I've eaten pretty normally. No binge or major freakouts.

Hardly been blogging cause I've been doing a lot of online research on stuff (easily 8 hours a day) and I just didn't want to deal. Haven't even been reading my personal email or checking with pals dailly on FB like I was used to. I find when I have to focus intensely on ONE thing, the other things take a backseat. The blog, FB, mail, housework. Um. Ick.

I have no idea what the challenge is for this week, will have to check that with Maren, our challenge leader. I did complete last week's mini-challenge, though. Yay.

Goals for this week:

Frankly, I can't see myself setting anything radical. I hope to achieve good fluids, the original exercise goals (s x 2; c x 4), and not to exceed 1500 cals. If I can maintain this week, I'll be relieved. But yes, I hope to break below 179. I can't really feel confident setting anything high. I'm a wuss.

Maren wants us to set a challenging goal for exercise. Well, because I have a trainer, she always challenges me. Monday, I swear, I was ready to cuss someone out. It was so hard to do the ones on the disc (I kept losing my balance, argh). So, I already have a person who pushes me at least 1, usually 2x a week. On my own, I do more moderate exercise. I pay her to push me. :) So, pretty much, Mondays and Thursdays, I get to be challenged. 

I hope my challenge mates are well and making their goals better than I am mine. :D

Day 53 of Phase 5: Why Exercise? Here's Why...And don't expect to ever eat a lot again...unless you wanna be one of those regainers we all fear we will be...aka Reality Rock and How To Make It Comfy...

No scale today.

Exercise: Pilates with trainer in the pm; walk outside for 27 mins in the early evening.

I felt bad when I woke up. Congested, sore throat (no doubt from mouth breathing/snoring due to said congestion from allergies). No energy. I was sooo tempted to cancel Pilates. I had gone to bed late cause I am hitting a deadline with some stuff, and I was up late doing it. :P

Didn't cancel. Went. The asthma was a bit acting up, but we got through it.

Felt better afterwards (we did some chest opening positions) and had my healthy lunch, more fluids, and once it got cooler (we got into low 90s today), off I went for my walk. Managed better than day before. Yesterday, I was struggling to breathe. Walking was...a chore. Breathing = very important. Oxygen = critical. Trust me on this. ; )

If I had canceled our session at the studio, I guarantee I'd have vegged out like a zombie, feeling sorry for my sickly butt. Instead, the blood got pumping, and I had to focus on breathing deeply, and I had to get my mojo going. And in the end: felt better, got my energy back to maybe 80% . Mood drastically improved, to the point a fella at the farmer's market (I needed produce) said, "My, you're very happy, aren't you?" And I said, "Yes! I am VERY happy!"

Exercise--makes you FEEL better, aside from everything else.

Anyway, for those still couch-potato-ing it, here's an article that might push you into moving:

EXERCISE: ANTI-AGING AND OTHER METABOLIC BENEFITS

If that made you wanna start moving, then here is a google list for you. Start reading. Get on it TOMORROW or-- if it's early where you live--TODAY.

I was calculating how much I should be losing on 1200 calories (roughly). It's not pretty. I know my metabolism is damaged, and I knew it most clearly when I checked what it took to maintain a year ago or so. I lost less than average when I was 268 (which I learned by tracking my food and looking at what the average loss should be at that weight with my calorie deficit). I was lower than average. I was off by about 250 calories. Meaning, I maintained at that many calories FEWER than the average estimates for my height/weight/age.

But by my rough calculations, at 1200 calories, at my current weight, it's about a bit over one pound a week, a pound and a half if I exercise daily--hard.

This is not the cheeriest bit of news. But, okay, not gonna whine. At least I know I can lose. I just gotta take a longer view than some. All I gotta do is focus on eating soundly (and not a lot) and moving well and let my freaky body do its thing at its pace. I do more than an hour of exercise 2x a week, and I do at least 30 mins or more the other days, other than my one day of rest, my Sabbath. That is not  unsustainable for me for life.And I do have this long view: What can I do as I continue to age? If I can't sustain it, then what is the point? Go through all this just to be fat and inert again?

I constantly assess: What can I sustain? How can I live and be well, but not feel trapped in an obsession of "health mentality"?

(I say this with the understanding that I've set aside this period of my life to GET out of obesity so I can then stay OUT of obesity while actually getting other stuff/projects done and dreams fulfilled. This is step ONE. Get to healthy weight and healthy habits so other dreams can take center stage. This is the foundation.)

I don't intend to do the TBL type of thing and exercise hours a day to get a bigger weekly loss. And I'm not gonna eat less and go hungry. So it is what it is. My final goal weight may end up being heavier than current goal weight. It all depends on what is SUSTAINABLE.

 So, between my metabolic reality, my weight goal, and my exercise-feasibility--I reminded myself that the way I'm eating now is pretty much how I'm gonna eat for life. A bit more perhaps until I get older and need to cut back. But I don't foresee being able to eat more than 1400 to 1500 calories unless I want to get obese again.

That's why you don't go off diets, really (unless you're a big guy or an athlete or a manual laborer and can eat scads more than many of us/most of us). You have to eat less...permanently.

I wish it were otherwise, but I guess I see this sort of eating as the training ground. I may be able to eat 200 to 300 calories MORE and maintain a goal weight close to normal. Maybe even normal--though I doubt it. But really, 200 to 300 more is NOT a lot more. It's a nice bit of leeway, but it's not , "Hey, let us eat cake and pizza" leeway.

The way you're eating to lose. Can you sustain that, a close snapshot of that, for life?

If not..re-evaluate. Cause you can never go back to how you ate before without regain.

The exercise needs to become a habit. The food vigilance needs to become a habit. The acceptance of limitations to our hedonism needs to become part of our philosophy.

I'm working on that. I tell myself this every day: It's gotta be like this every week and month and year from now on...keep going. Make it a habit.

Okay, what a bummer kind of reality-slap note to end with.

But really, not. I guess. Facing the truth can liberate us from wild expectations. Getting slimmer and stronger doesn't make the food issues magically disappear. If it did, no one would regain, right? It's liberating because we understand that if THIS is how it must be, then our energy can go not to dreaming about "off the diet splurges and binges", but dreaming about how to maintain healthy habits and grow old with better mobility, flexibility, strength, cooking skills, food shopping savvy, and enjoyment of healthful feasts.

It means growing up about food. And at 51, it is long past time I did that. I feel...like I'm maturing in that area. Mature people don't delude themselves or whine about what they can't have. They face the rock and the hard place and make it work as a livable place that helps them prosper.They sew cushions and plant radishes and sing songs right at the rock face.

Late-blooming is better than never-bloomed...so, start planting flowers next to that reality rock....

Happy resting for those reading this late..or GOOD AND HAPPY NEW DAY for those reading this tomorrow....

Not Day 33 of P4 Challenge: Appt with Dietitian, The Change of Mindset She Noticed and I Notice, Chat with Waitress, Bright COLORFUL Top and Lipstick, Happy Curls....and date night's a coming!

Today's weigh-in at home was 225.2. At the R.D.'s: 225.0

I had lost 4.5 lbs since my appt with her 2 weeks ago. That's par for me. At 1200 calories (sometimes less, not often a bit more), I lose 2 lbs a week, maybe 2 and a scosh if I have a lot of under days in that week. I know others at that caloric range with regular exercise lose faster, but that's how my wonky, hypothyroidic, insulin-resisstant body rolls.

And 2 lbs a week is great. It means I can lose 100 in a year at that rate. And I don't need to lose 100 anymore. I realized this lately as I still get email from the Blog to Lose group for those needing to lose 100+ lbs. I'm not longer one seeking that kind of loss, not after a 74 lb loss. I want to get to 160--more or less, I'm not like fanatical on the number, it's just a goal right now, and it's not even a skinny goal--and that's 65.2 lbs away. I have less to lose than I have lost. I like that asymmetry. My brain says: "If you can lose 74, you can lose 65."

The dietitian was thrilled. Lost 1% of fat in those two weeks. My motivation is still high. She says I am inspiring ad she asked me if I'd consider being a motivational speaker at one of the dietitian conferences. I said if local, sure. :) She said I ought to write a book. I said, "Well, I need to get to goal and stay there for a while before I can do that. I don't want to be one of those folks who loses a bunch of weight, gets a book contract, writes it, releases it, and then regains a bunch of weight." I've been reading blogs and books about MAINTAINING weight loss s (not that there are that many books, mind you. But there are blogs of successful maintainers.

There is no fricken point in losing the weight if you can't keep it off, I figure. So, I started trying to get into the brain/habits/journey of maintainers last summer. I realize that "dieting" doesn't end. Maintaining is like being on a lifelong diet. If I can't tolerate eating, say, 1400 or 1500 calories for life, there is no point. None. Might as well stay fat. Because to lose it just to regain would depress me no end.

I look at the 1200 plan as a sort of bootcamp. If I can do 1200 and learn to be satisfied with this much less, learn the tricks of assuaging appetite and dealing with cravings and saying no to seconds, and portion control, then going up to 1400 or 1600 will seem like heaven. It's another snack or a bigger dinner.  I've done several 1000 calorie and 900 calorie days without much hunger. I think of it as training for a life of eating much less than my obese, out of control self wants to. I have read and researched as if I was getting yet another college degree. I want epiphany after epiphany.

Is it easy. Hell no. Just getting into regular exercise (which I started to do in June of 2008) has been enlightening. I still don't WANT to get up and exercise. I do know that I feel so immensely better when I do, and I like the muscles under the skin, that it's a matter of reward. Heck, if I were rich, I'd have a trainer come six days a week and run me through an hour to an hour and a half of serious work-outing. :) But I don't have that moolah. I'd do it, though. The rewards are tangible.  Want multiple orgasms? Get that pelvic floor work done in Pilates. Your G spot will go insane. I kid you not. :D That's ONE benefit. Just one.

So, I'm not the gung-ho lemme do sit ups kind of gal. I am the "Okay, this sucks, but you know you'll feel better when it's done. You'll feel like a champ. So do it!"  I may take an hour or two to talk myself into it, but I'm learning to that more times a week, and that's all it takes. Consistency and lifelong adherence Like dieting: It's for life if you've been obese. For life. Or it comes back.

I don't want to waste this effort. I'm terrified of going back. So, I tell myself--this is it. Can you eat thi way for life? And I say:"I'm going to. That's it. I'm going to."

Resolution doesn't come easy for me, but if there isn't commitment, there's failure. I'm smart enough to know that there's no magic. It's just deciding there is no other option. Do it. Stay fat. Do it. Stay fat. Only choices.

I've had two folks this week tell me I should go on Dr. Oz or "TV" and I say, "Well, lots of weight loss stories out there. I'm not at goal and I haven't maintained. So, why should I go on tv. I want to see people who kept it off 5 years, 10 years, 15 years, not the person who just lost it last week."

When I maintain: Then I can boast. When I've maintained: Then I get my reward trip to Tuscany. :D

If I don't have to spend the moolah tucking the tummy. Weeeeeellllll.....

Anyway, had a spinach and mushroom egg white frittta, minimal oil, as per my request, lowfat swiss, coffee, a couple tablespoons of grits for flabor, then set it aside, as I don't need to starch it up. The waitress and I got talking. She lost 82 lbs, regained a bunch, is out to lose again. We sort of commisserated about our stress-emo-eating tendencies. Chatted about food, healthier eating. Was nice to know another journey-sharer. She made sure my omelette was as dry of oil as possible--a dieting waitress knows the score. :) Lots of spinach. Yum.

I'm wearing more color these days. At 299 pounds, at 279, 250, you still wanna hide. I'm still severely obese, but I feel confident enough to want to wear color. Today, a magenta top and magenta lipstick and very perky happy curls. I felt cute. :D Middle-aged, fat, cute. :D

Which is good as hubby will be home soon and it's off to our date night. I intend to get lotsa smooching and laughing done.

I already called that restaurant with the amazing grilled romaine (with balsamic). If the show ends early enough, we'll hit it for a late supper. I'm skipping a full lunch and just doing fruit and protein snack to cover me until we're able to dine. Water, decaf, small snack....and then tell the stomach to shut the F up until I have time to feed it. :D

Anyway, yesterday I ended at well under 1200 calories, exercises as already posted, and my mood is...GREAT. I've been singing in the car, at CVS, in the restaurant, in the parking lot.

Phase 5 is almost here. Remember to send your weigh-ins to Allan. I'm sending mine tomorrow so I don't forget or sleep late and miss it Sunday. I want us to really shine and do well--all of us--and be healthier and happier and have great Big Os and walk without pain and huffing and puffing and go up stairs without dying from being unfit and all the other good things that come from eating properly and moving soundly.

Let's be well together!!!!!

Later...I gotta iron something pretty for date night.

Wired from Sudafed, Some Assorted Thoughts on the Biggest Loser Show With Past Contestants/Winners, thoughts on losing and regaining, and on Thanksgiving....

Man, it's 4:40 AM here in Miami and I am not at all sleepy. I finally caved and took Sudafed today, two doses, one mid-afternoon, one at 11 PM. My respiratory passages are clearer, for sure, but I'm not getting Zzzzzzs.

I watched the reunion Biggest Loser show. Hubby watched part with me and said, "Seems like the ones who keep it off are the ones who make diet/exercise a mission, either with charity work or have endorsements that motivate them to stay thinner." Yep. Looks that way. There seems to be something in the ones who manage to mostly  maintain that keeps the exercise-diet fire going in their bellies in the months and years after leaving the TBL ranch.

It was a bit disheartening, a bit "yeah, expected it", a bit scary, a bit sad to see the winners of seasons past (except for Michelle A, and wonder why she didn't show up) file in. The heaviest being the one who won the first season, Ryan, who is back up to about 300 lbs. Then Matt Hoover, he's looking quite porky again, though nowhere as big as his first days on the show. And so forth. The most recent losers were the slimmest. Ali Vincent has made a career of fitness post TBL, so I don't understand why she was wearing that ungainly, loose outfit that made her look bigger than she is.

I wonder if the more recent winners were looking at the first two winners and thinking, "Oh-oh, I do not want that to happen to me!"

But the truth is, very few, very very very very very few weight LOSERS become weight loss MAINTAINERS. Regain is a huge, huge issue. Whether it's diet. Whether it's gastric bypass. Whether it's lap band. Whether it's VLCD or Clean Diet or Atkins or South Beach or Weight Watchers or eDiets...regain is far far far more common than maintain.  I've seen varying figures, but none are encouraging. Maybe 5 percent keep it off. Some say 2%. I don't know who's  right, but saying the 95% who lose then go on to regain is depressing as shit.

I have been following the blog of a person who inspired me, a person who lost  more than 100 lbs and looked faboo. That person is way off the wagon now and though weigh-ins are no longer updated, there has already been some recorded regain. It hurts to see it. Hurts cause, well, it could be a snapshot of any of us in the future. Lose....to regain.

Ryan. Matt. Suzy. Erik......you...me? Could we become Big Losers who turn into Big Regainers? The stats say yes.

Which is why I read books NOW on how to maintain. May seem nuts, but I bought two of them, and I read them along with diet cookbooks, diet motivational books, scientific books on causes and treatments of overeating and so forth. I want to look ahead with hope. I want to be one of the 2 or 5 percent who keep it off. So I read about those who maintain and how they do it.

Guess what. It's as hard as losing. In some ways harder, in some easier, but it's still hard. It still requires vigilance and discipline and not caving and not giving up.

Some of you are thinking, "Well, first I gotta lose it. It's a moot point if it's not gone first. Then worry about maintenance."

I don't think so. I think that understanding that the struggle never ends, that there isn't a skinny rainbow waiting with a pot of "always thin" gold and a fairy godmother to boink our disordered eating and cravings away with her wand. Not gonna happen. Some people do have a major switch flipped and lose and never regain and just do it and we marvel. They are not the majority.

For anyone thinking losing it is the battle, I think the TBL reunion show is a wake-up call. No. It's gonna still be hard. This does not end. Which is why Allan's challenges encouraging us to eat at goal weight caloric level are a great help. It shows us what must be, what MUST be, like it or not.

So, this Thanksgiving, I'm not pigging out. And if I do--no, I'm just not gonna. I choose not to. Well, if I make it to the dinner, given I can't sleep and am ill.

I am thankful that I am able to learn new habits and that I have this opportunity. I'm thankful that I can hope to be in the golden minority. I choose to have faith, because if we don't believe we CAN do it, then we won't. So, even if it's blind faith, faith against the numbers, faith against the stark reality, I choose to believe it's possible and I can do it.

I choose to focus on the fact that some folks on TBL kept it off and stayed alert and on top of their eating. Some succeed. SOME MAKE IT. Let's learn from the ones who do it year in and year out. They have something to teach us about discipline, changed habits, and sacrifice.

And that the grind never ends, so find a passion for it.

Be thankful for food, but be thankful for the ability not to have too much of it, not even on holidays.

Blessings on you all this Thanksgiving. God has been gracious and good to this country that brims with so much that is positive even in an economic downturn and time of war. Remember to thank Him for all the blessings on your table, in your heart and mind, around you in your loved ones, and out there in this cosmos. Pray for those who are less blessed.

If you have pretty good health, if you can normally breathe freely or walk unhindered or see and hear without impediment, be thankful. If you have a solid roof over your head and someone in your life who gives a damn about you, be thankful. If you have a job, be thankful. If you have people to help you if you do NOT have a job, be thankful. If you could afford a ham or turkey or tofurkey or whatever it is that is your piece de resistance, be thankful.

Thank you, Lord, for your graces and mercies and blessings.

Gracias....te doy gracias, mi Dios...