Just the sporadic weight update...sickies resolving at last..

I've still got a bit of cough and bronchial good, but much less. I'm still not at peak energy level, but better. I suspect the thyroid is a wee out of whack, so I'll get that tested this week.

Tanita-san today: 176.2

That's up some from last check-in. No movement almost in 3 weeks, other than bed to couch to desk to couch to bed to desk to desk to couch...you get the idea.

I have (I think, must check) a trainer appt tomorrow. I had intended to cancel due to still feeling a bit out of it, but I didn't cancel within the 24 hour window. So, we shall see what tomorrow brings. Being sick put me back in vampire time mode, so I've been going to bed at 6 am and getting up at 3pm. Which sucks. Sucks a lot, after working so hard to become an earlier bird.

To be at the Pilates studio at 11 am, when I get sleepy at 6 to 7 pm is gonna be quite a feat, and we'll see. We'll see.

Okay, so good news: still in 170s. Bad news: not fully recovered from bronchitis and higher weight than last weigh-in. Good news: I'm still here and accountable. Bad News: I am not feeling mood-high. I'm a wee bit depressed, and considering this should be a happy, festive time of year, that is bad.

And that's the update for this Sunday. :D

Be well, ladies and gents. God bless...

Still Maintaining...kinda blah, otherwise.

Ah, got nothing to blog about. Just not feeling it. But I wanted to update my weight tracker, and I'm still maintaining:

173.4

Last time I updated my weight tracker--sidebar left--it was 173.8.

So, pretty much the same, huh? :)

I hope you are all doing well. Keep on fighting on. It's tough, yes, and I'm having some good days and some bad days, and it's a little mood dip time for me (I get those). I'm turning to mush from not exercising (still haven't worked up that mojo), so the struggle continues.

It's a lifelong thing, after all--and we do know this, right?--so it's not like we can ever just forget about the needful things on this journey. They never stop being needful--the vigilance, the discipline, the time-making for the necessary shopping, food prep, movement. I'm shopping better, but I'm still not moving enough. This will turn around, too, because it's vital. I recall too well how great it felt to have those muscles and the fitness level higher. It felt GREAT.

I want to feel great again. For now, a little down, a little bleh. It will pass.

Be well, all...

A Passel of Pictures, A Pound That Prickles, A Pack of Paragraphs To Prime the Artistic Pump...and a Book for the Calorie Curious..

Just a various-items type of update, cause this is a transitional week for me, trying to do a lot of things at once while finding the balance. I'm not handling transitioning great, but I intend to get my footing!

I do feel like smiling and laughing again. Father's Day weekend pics are PROOF!

My hubby (with halo) and me.
I really love what the wind did to my hair here.
I wonder how I'd replicate this retro look?
Hair combs? French braid? I like it, though.

Windy-curly smile. Jungle Red lips.

Love the stone with my  dress and hair
My signature colors: red, black, white.

I felt better--mood, energy--but not 100%. I'll get there. (God, please.)  I wore a dress that had been sitting in my closet for months. It fit a little loose, but was comfy and girly. These are genuine smiles, so I'm hoping the remnants of the blues just fade away:

 I stepped on the scale today after the weekend of eating a bit more: 181.6

Hm.

Well, like I said, wobbly transition. Exercise has been....laughably minimal.

I downloaded THIS BOOK to my Kindle. I figure it will remind me to keep on top of calories, as maintenance requires it. And ease off the sugar-free chocolate. The preview for it was very interesting, and I like science-ey stuff.

The writing: Well, I sat down and wrote nine paragraphs. Okay, so some were only one-liners. But hey, I wrote. Yay, me.

Doesn't sound like much, does it? But nine paragraphs raise a story question, introduce a character with a special trait, add a deviation from the norm, and maybe make you want to read more, even if it's preliminary, warm-the-brain-up crap after 5 years of writing pretty much bupkis.

Behold the rough crap:

Luisa was used to seeing what others missed. Hurrying to the office on an early summer morning, she couldn’t help but notice them.

The beautiful ones faced eastward, every single one.

Whether dressed in suits and ties or shorts and tees, whether masculine or feminine or that intriguing androgyny that smiled from the space between, all sat or leaned or stood in postures of expectation. This one stood bowing a bit forward on muscular feet, and the only thing that kept him from tumbling into the gutter was a tanned hand balanced lightly on a parking meter. That one with sat with a Cuban pastry untouched on a paper plate in front of her, head tilted to the right, utterly white hair a frothy cascade against the black of her black jacket. Another sat with elbows on bare knees, an expression less patient than his comrades. And that one there, he (or perhaps she) paused in sipping her  (or his) latte, lips parted, as if already caught by some wonderful matter only they-- these assorted staring beauties --could see.

They did not read newspapers or novels or the faces of passersby hurrying to work, as Luisa had been. They did not type or swipe on gleaming gadgets du jour.

They stood out, even among the usual mix of attractive residents and workers. They drew attention, and didn't care. They ignored everything other than what they look at that way…east. 

Luisa stopped walking--fine, so she was late already, a few more minutes didn't matter-- and followed their gazes.

Nothing struck her as stare-worthy in the regular sights from the parking garage to her office: inviting eateries and freshly-opened shops catering to the younger, urban, vigorously trendy crowd that had moved in over the last couple years. Nouveau or vegan or organic or fusion whatnot.

Nothing out of the ordinary.

But there they were, those exquisite creatures with their unwavering attention to--what?

Yes, my rusty brain is being asked to create. It's not easy going from nil movement to acceleration creatively; but it was actually, I dunno, let's say I felt this sense of, "Oh, that's right, this can feel good and tingly!"

The paragraphs may or may not be relevant. It may simply be an 'oiling the machinery' exercise. But it still felt good to overcome inertia and WRITE SOMETHING. My intention is to go back to one of my two preferred fantasy manuscripts and enter those worlds again. But this might end up a story. Ya never know.

Okay, that's it for the update. Be well, folks. Let me know if you get the book! (Or if you're writing fiction, too.)

Oh, and you may note that I changed the blog's name and subtitle. It's no longer Two Years to Happy Weight After....

Ready for Summer Challenge: Finale-- not ready for summer, actually, but hey, I made some progress.

I started this challenge with these stats:

Weight: 182.4
Waist: 35 in.

I ended it with these:

Weight: 179.0
Waist: 34.75

I had wanted to lose a total of FIVE pounds and get to 177.4. I did get to 177.4, but then I ate salty crap right back up to 179.

So, I only officially lost 3.4 lbs. I am happy just to see a lower number than at the start. Wish I could have held on to my goal of 177.4--cause I did make it!--but it's really hard to focus when I'm in this depressive mood.

Been eating lots of salty stuff due to cravings. Olives, pickles, cheese, some ham, some turkey pastrami, some bacon with my eggs.

I'm still frustratingly demotivated. I'm barely moving. I'm not tracking.

But I'm not totally out of it. That's the best I can say. I still have some good habits--fluids, lots of fruits and veggies, trying to get adequate rest, thinking about what to do to reignite. My mind is still partially in it, and thanks to this challenge, I haven't tossed all good habits or desires about my weight into the wind.

I think holding on is valuable, so I won't discount it. In past lesser depressions, I'd easily gain 5, 10, 15+ pounds from stuffing pizza and lasagna and burritos and mac-n-cheese and french fries into my gut to get a food high. I have wanted more starches, but I've had fresh organic corn and steamed rice and baked organic sweet potatoes and gluten-free rice crackers, not Taco Bell and Pizza Hut.

I want to thank Maren for hosting this challenge. You're a lovely person. God bless you and all my fellow challengers. I hope we keep at it, because perseverance pays off.

Be well...

So, we work REALLY FRICKEN HARD to lose weight and exercise, with all those odds against us, work on issues, see specialists, read and learn, weep and try again when we fall...WORK HARD AS HECK to lose 50, 100, 150+ pounds...and they still think less of us? People! That's CRAZY!

New research out of the University of Hawaii at Mānoa, The University of Manchester and Monash University, has revealed that anti-fat prejudice still persisted against former obese women, even after they had lost a significant amount of weight.

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/health/2012/05/29/overweight-women-experience-obesity-stigma-even-after-weight-loss-study-finds/#ixzz1wNrZB5r9

Personal note:  I had a bunless double cheeseburger yesterday with a salad with gorgonzola, apples, and walnuts plus papaya for meal one. Pretty caloric. Then,  I had egg whites with shredded cheddar and a cameo apple with some walnuts and coconut water for meal two. I went a bit over 2100 calories. And I'm up one pound. Not pleased, but also not feeling terribly guilty. The depression makes me a bit apathetic. Not good. But as I'm not into self-flagellation, anyway, that's fine. I simply state it. Poor portion control.

But moving on....

Diet, Depression, Life Issues...and a reality check: It could be so,so,so much worse. And a very good story to prove it. And yes, a long, rambly thing to basically say...let's be good to each other....

Man, I had a seriously emotional day yesterday.

The last two days, I've had crying spells. They come, often, with these mild depressions. Crying and acne. Tells me there's a chemical thing going on, cause I haven't had acne since menopause hit, and there are zits on my chin and jaw. It's the hormonal wackiness that brings me the blues.

 Interestingly, with the deep clinical depressions I've had, the suicidal ideation or "life is not worth living at all" ones, it's more a sort of mini-death of apathy and lying around and stuffing with food and books for sensation and escape, with spurts of outbursts of tears, but mostly silence.

With milder depressions, it's more ongoing low-level weepyness and thoughts of low-self worth, but I want to talk about it. To self. To God. To Hubby. Not silent like deep depressions.

It's not something I like to talk about, this weakness of mine. I hid this from friends and family for decades as best I could, because who wants to be downer? Who wants to show this pathetic side?

Well, here it is.  The self-absorption of depressives is a non-pretty thing.

Depression--mild, middling, or deep-- makes us lose perspective.

When I'm depressed, I read. I read to escape. Have since childhood. To get away from body, feelings, and go somewhere else.

Yesterday, I read one of the Nebula Award nominated stories--"The Man Who Ended History: A Documentary" by Ken Liu.

The awards were announced last weekend. I'd been meaning to read the nominees since I saw the  list, but, well, you know, it got put off. At first, I was taken by the physics premise --I had seen a program with an astrophysicist who discussed this particular quantum phenomenon, and I thought it would make a great premise for a story and had been pondering it myself.

But then the main part of the story took me to a very painful place.

The story takes as inspiration some really awful things that happened in China during its war with the Japanese in the 1930s. And it also takes some points from the work/life/death of Iris Chang, who wrote about the Rape of Nanking (yet another horror from that time). Do not read this story if you don't have a tolerance of sorts for the truth about what humans do.

Or maybe read it and let yourself be shredded a bit. It might be therapeutic.

I'm one of those people who took YEARS before I could watch SCHINDLER'S LIST, and then was sick for a week after, crying and having bad dreams. I remember the first time I saw a drama about the holocaust (it was on TV in the 70s and had Meryl Streep and James Woods in it, though I forget the exact name). I went and puked and had to stop watching. When I saw NICHOLAS AND ALEXANDRA as a 12 or 13 year old, I went home, fell on the floor, and just bawled. And for 2 weeks after, whenever I thought about the execution scene, I'd start bawling again.

When I read stories of child abuse or horrors in the paper, I start weeping. I sometimes can't get it out of my head for weeks. There's one man I still pray for, years later, who had been imprisoned falsely. I keep praying his life now is happy and makes up for it. When I first read about Darfur (long before the Hollywood elite got wind of it, cause charitable channels and Christian agencies were alerting folks about it), I gave, then gave again, because how could you not? When you read about famines, don't you want to send food? When you read about a disaster, don't you want to help send aid?

And when you read about atrocities, you are ashamed to be a human who whines about petty issues.

So, that's the context. I get really upset at the stuff we humans do that seems unbelievable...unthinkable.

Part of why when I was younger and before my health crashed major time, I volunteered a lot. Sometimes, it overwhelms you and you want to add some good to the stew that's this world.

Okay, so I'm mildly depressed and I read a story about the sorts of things we do to each other that will make the strongest man bawl.

I bawled. For hours. I prayed, for hours. I begged God to make us stop doing that. To not let us do it again.

I know, a naive prayer.

If you never heard of Unit 731--and I had prior to this, which hurts me even more as I'm a Japanophile--you should read it.  If you never heard of the Rape of Nanking, you should inform yourself. But have a strong stomach.

Just like we should know about the Cambodian killing fields, the Holocaust, the Rwandan civil war, our own  history with the natives, with Africans, with (add your own category of huge oppression). We should know it, because we have to want to NOT repeat it. And it starts with each of us. Whether it's the German Nazis, Japanese Imperialists, slave traders, Stalinists, Mao's cultural revolution, North Korea's dictators--humans are prone to become twisted in some shocking ways. You and I.

That Japanese soldier at Nanking could be...my brother, your son, your or my husband. We're made of the same thing. It's awful to contemplate that WE are capable of THAT. Me.

And it's a corrective to perspective.

When we get all worked up over what we ate or didn't exercise or the scale is up one or five pounds, it tends to look amazingly stupid in the face of REAL problems.

Allan used to do this time and again during his diet posting. Link to a mother with a sick child or a woman with a dire illness. Perspective.

Hard as it may be for some of us, dieting and exercise, it's  paltry thing, a minor inconvenience, in the face of what goes on every day in the world.

Put it in perspective. Let's not whine too much about it. We do it, or we don't do it. and in the end, we can lose the proper viewpoint. Let's be healthful and live good live, because some folks can't. Let's eat properly, because some can't. Let's honor our bodies, because very easily, with a twist of fate, we could be having our bodies' honor ripped from us by men turned to beasts.

You think the folks at the World Trade Center, facing a decision to jump or die in flames, worried about being overweight? No. They wanted to be with the people they loved, living normal lives. They'd want peace.

This is a downer of a post. But read the story. Remember. Say a prayer for peace. And put the diet and exercise and scale and food thing into perspective. We are able to overcome--food and sloth and self-hate and self-destruction--and we are able to overcome the base part o fus that makes things like what are depicted in that story-based-on-truth possible. We have the ability to be BETTER. To not look down on each other, hate each other, laugh and ridicule each other, dehumanize each other. Not for being fat, or for being different in all sorts of ways.

Every blog that spews hate on dieters or anyone adds to the beast that results in killing fields. It starts small and grows big. Small words of disdain become large propaganda schemes that end up piling people into camps.

Dehumanization does this. When you stop seeing your neighbor as yourself..as the same as you. As worthy as you of respect and sympathy.

Let's not dehumanize, even in this small, minor thing that is dieting, so small in the grand scheme. Even in this, let's show mercy and love.

I read about The Transfiguration last night in two Bibles and  in my devotion. That's what I want. To shine. To be the better me. We have glory inside us and glory ahead of us, if we choose it.  I gotta go find my joy again, and I thank the story for slapping me with truth and perspective. I must grasp and be grateful for my life; I owe it to the ones who had theirs stolen.

Now, go be kind to someone, including yourself. Spread the good. There's never enough good. 

Be well...

Ready for Summer Update #8: maintained...mildly depressed

Tanita-San: 178.8
Last Week: 178.8

I am suffering a mild depression. It has been coming on slowly, and I can at least be grateful that it's a lesser mood affect than I was used to in the past in my cyclical depressions. The lack of focus, motivation and anxiety have been waxing. And this past week, I pretty much just wanted to lie about like a slug. Just getting up and grooming took focus. Anxiety and worried thoughts were prevalent.

So, yeah, ain't this fun?

I held on some, though, as the numbers show. I maintained.

When I'm depressed, I crave carby comfort foods. And so visions of pizza and lasagna and cake and bread with butter danced in my head. I didn't have any of that. I did allow myself more "safer" carbs--rice, black beans, lentils. I had soup more often, as that's one way to get a comfort food without too many calories or damage. I ate a ton of fruit (which is not necessarily a good thing for folks who have battled I.R/prediabetes, but when sweet cravings hit, it's the safest). I had one day when I caved--a totally spontaneous fit of food berserkness--and had 8 cherries dipped in chocolate. I was on my way home, saw a gourmet fresh-made chocolate shop (I rerouted due to traffic) and bam, parked, bought, took home, split 4 with breakfast and 4 with dinner and felt really stupid and weak.

I only exercised 2 hours this past week, both with my Pilates trainer. And it was tough, as the asthma acted up a bit in allergy season. The rains came and the blooming and pollens with it, I guess. May be part of the mood trigger? Who knows.

Joints are achey (rain, rain).

So, yeah, I'm feeling pretty FLAT.

I'm happy I held on and didn't gain, cause damn, every pizza commercial on tv sent me into wrassling with cravings.

I still feel like doing NOT ONE DAMN THING. The rains (and bloompoof) is keeping me mostly indoors.

I feel like laying in bed all weekend. I didn't shower today (Sunday).

So, this week, pretty much, I'm hanging on. The mood issue will work its way out. I just have to hang on.

(Well, I hope it's a short, minimal episode. These usually do in a matter of weeks or months, and if it's a lower level mood issue, it can pass pretty quickly. Only once lasted 4 years and medications prescribed--though not taken out of fear of side effects--um, well, that was a bad spell post mom's death).

The apathy sucks. I just feel very flat and like I don't give a damn with 80% of me, and 20% is trying like mad in my brain to get me moving and taking in fluid like normal. It takes such effort. Sigh.

It's a not-great time, but I refuse to lose hope. My body has been a trial to me since I was born, and some decades, its defects won. I'm determined not to let these defects keep winning.

Um, again, sorry to be a crap example. No inspiration here today. Just a woman feeling weak and working to keep going when it's not so great in the emo department.

But you see, I haven't given up. :D

I am loathe to set goals. Pretty much not motivated to. BUT...I will: I will not regain. I will not give into candy and carby cravings for junk. I will make the effort to do some movement DAILY: any movement for at least 15 minutes, DAILY. Something!

Maren, apologies for missing the mini-challenge. I guess I'll add it to this week's. :D

Be well in this new week, everyone!

Ready for Summer Challenge Update #6: A mostly FAIL week...

Tanita-san: 179.8
Last week: 178.8

Up a pound.

And I am in this weird sort of floaty, unfocused, demotivated mindset. I didn't do a single cardio workout. I did my 2x trainer workouts (but I know if I hadn't had these appointments, I'd likely have done squat.)

I've been spending a lot of introspection time and a lot of time decluttering (which made my allergies surge up due to dusts). I threw out 5 bags of assorted old papers, magazines, expired hygiene items, threadbare washtowels, clothes (unwearable).

It's like as one project is moving on, my brain can't focus on keeping me diet and exercise motivated completely. I ate out more (salty, fattier than at home), and that is reflected in the gain. Well, plus NOT moving as much.

I have nothing really helpful to offer except that when we don't put the effort in, the results suck.

Also, I'm about ready to call in the maintenance phase. I'm tired this week, so tired, of looking at this out-of-reach number month after month and not getting there. I'm not willing to live on any significant change in calories. I'm not willing to ratchet up the exercise (although I need to go back to my steady level, and that will take effort right now). I need maybe to say, "Okay, accept that this is where you'll be."

I'm THIS close to just saying that. Really.

But I worry it's the demotivated me talking, not the rational me.

This week: I'm setting minimal goals. JUST DO NOT GAIN MORE and find a way out of the blahs.

I wish I were peppier and more encouraging, but right now, I'm stuck in a rut in the road and don't feel the energy to jump out of it.

But I'm not quitting. And I will find the wherewithal to move again...

God bless. Be well...

Ready for Summer Update #3: Not Very Motivated, Not Really Wanting to Blog, Stressed, Some thoughts on the SetPoints, Doc Appt, and Not Quitting. :D

Note: I started to write this Monday, my challenge weigh-in day, and then just...dropped it. Gosh, I just have not felt like blogging. Anyway, time to finish and publish~~~

Weight: 179.4

Waist: 34.75

Last week: 177.8
Waist: 34.75

As you can see, nearly 2 pounds up. And how frustrating is that?

Doesn't help I'm into the salty stuff again: very salty take-out chicken, very salty takeout dressings on salad, very salty parmeson on salads. But I cannot discount the calories. It doesn't take much above 1600 for me to see rebounds.

I am so not in a good mood. I wake up feeling demotivated. I try to perk up, cheer myself, do motivating things..and just fall flat. I'm in a funk.

I didn't meet my exercise, caloric, or weight loss goals.

I only got 2 cardio in (not four), but I did do two strengthening.
My fluids were fine.
Calories were, except for two days, over 1500 (under 2000)

Had a doc appt Friday, and my thyroid is still not optimal, so she put me on a higher dose of one of my two thyroid meds. (She raised the levothyroxine back in Feb. This time, we're upping the Cytomel.) Hopefully, this one is the winning combo. My temps are a bit higher (still not in the 98, but ranging up to 97.8, which is a great improvement over the 97.0 temps I was getting a lot up through Feb.)

Ready to take notes in the Endocrinologist's exam room

I take my notebook and pen to appts, take notes of vitals and what the doc suggests I do before next check up, etc. I was 182 on her scale (which is usually +3 to 4 lbs based on what I wear, and makes sense as I was roughly 178 on my scale at home) and blood pressure was fine. Office temp was 96.8, which was alarming, but the gal said that they count it about a whole point or more higher, as they use the dots (not standard thermometer), so that jives witih home temps. (Why don't they just use better quality thermometers, I wanna know?)

My battles in this five-pound range (177+ to 182+) is convincing me more and more about this setpoint stuff. Granted, there is some science behind it (go read research on it, not gonna list it here, and pubmed lets you read abstracts), but for me, it's been that whole experiential thing. (And observing it in some weight loss bloggers over the years). You reach a particular number, and it just doesn't wanna budge from that range.

You go down to your lower level, and you get hungry or something. You go back up, you calm down. YOu try to go down again: hungry. You go back up a few pounds: calm down.

I dunno, but seems to me it's like the brain saying: "We like it here. We're staying here. If you want to go lower, we're gonna fight it with hunger hormones and you will cave or you will just live with ongoing hunger."

This is what I seem to be in the midst of. And I don't like being hungry. One of the best tihngs about this last attempt at weight loss is that hunger has been minimal to nil on lower calories (which never was a reality for me in the past). I have not binged in, well, it will be two years come May. I have not had that raging hunger beast. It's been nice. And some days, I could go all day without eating and feel calm.

But now, when I get down to 177 point whatever, I start getting the, "Oh, i want...oh, I want...". To me, this is physiological, not psychological.

The psychological comes AFTER. When I get bummed that I hit that wall. The wall defeats me!

Well, I have not given up. I want to bust this wall down. I don't know how without having it rebound with hunger, despite trying all sorts of stuff so far in the last 6 or so months. I am not a wit's end...just near it. :D

The only NSV I can think of is that I didn't cave in to the hunger more. I really could have easily just...gone back to semi-binge mode. I was close...just the "I want, I want, i want."

The other stress issue is still present and I'm countering it with positive thoughts and trying to rein in my worrywart tendencies. I can only do what I can do...so I'm trying to be...proactive. :D

As far as Maren's mini-challenge: I failed. I only got through 1/2 of the challengers (though, granted, that was 20+, as this is a large challenge). I barely read my email and didn't blog, so going to so many blogs felt like it was adding to my load of stress. So, well, there it is.

So, goals for THIS week:

Weight: no more regain, begin to turn this back
Waist: no more, hopefully 34.5
calories: 1500 cap, and trying to do better with that.
Fluids: same, 10 glasses a day or more
Exercise: original goals--4 cardio, 2 strengthening.
Blogging: To not miss "by Monday" update, and to blog at least two more days to keep mind in the game.
Reading: try to figure out what to do about this setpoint issue that doesn't include massive hunger (ie, radical calorie reduction that I am NOT willing to do) or freaky theories (like ice baths, also not willing to do). If there is a solution, I'm on the hunt for it.  I may need to find a physician that specializes in metabolic issues, and see if I can get tested for the finer stuff going on (leptin, etc). More research.

I plan to stick out this challenge. I notice that week one's update had 59 links. Week two had 46 links . Week three has 42 so far, and that's including my late one. How many of us will be there at challenge's end? I hope MOST!


In that other project area: I've continued work on the decluttering, which was a major focus last week, and I threw out a total of 7 lawn and leaf bags of crap. The work continues to simplify my life (in many areas).

That's pretty much it. I would like to hear if any of y'all who've lost a lot of weight (like 50 or 70 lbs + ) have experienced this weird "stuck around a number" after a substantial loss, with hunger issues when a bottom is reached, rebound, etc.

And I hope you're all doing well, and way better than me, moodwise and frustration wise. Keep the faith, the hope, and never quit.

I won't.

God bless..

I gots a "pink" mood for my walk...and if you're in E2E, remember your movement goals....(another VLOG...much shorter this time)

Note: I ended up walking 36 minutes. YAY! I looked at my watch when I felt the joints ease and pain stop and it was the 12 minute mark. About 6 minutes more than usual...but hey, it's so good when you can hit your stride some. Make sure to LOOK UP if you have clear skies. Planets and the moon. Nice!

Be well...

E2E Challenge Update #8: The UPs and Downs of Birthday Week....but there is light...

Note: Placeholding for update as I'm rushing. We have to drive about an hour north to meet up with some friends of my hubby's family at a super-posh resort, and I'm stressing about hair, nails, dress, knees, pain, etc. I'm so not a posh person, and I'm mildly freaking about "Will I screw up dinner table etiquette?" Sigh.... Will complete update tomorrow...

Tanita-San:181.4
Waist: 35

Both up some from last week...with no big surprise. I went mildly wild on my birthday and ate more overall in the last week. Part of it was no doubt comfort eating. Part of it was that once you let go...well, in my experince, once *I* let go....reining in is hugely more difficult. Ongoing self-control just tends to make for easier living than loosening the reins and then trying to scale back. Might be different for you, but I have noticed this in some research on overeating and in some bloggers, who just can't seem to get it together for weeks (or more) after a vacation or binge or going off plan.

I will say that the combo of meds, fighting spirit, prayer...it's starting to work. Today, I still felt a bit wonky, but I also felt the rising tide. Energy seemed closer to normal than it has been for WEEKS. Pain in the shoulders, elbows and feet was markedly decreased, while the knees are a bit more stable, though still painful. Hips in certain positions make their displeasure known, so stretching has become super-essential.

Fluids: mostly fine. Didn't drink enough on birthday.

Calories: pretty crappy. About 2500 on birthday (and remember, I regain at around 1700), and pretty much at 1600-1800, up and down, all week. Not good. Not good. But getting better. The wild cravings that birthday weekend provoked are subsiding. And that feels good.

The improvement in energy meant I could post a bit more and comment supportively a bit more. I surpassed the challenge minimum.

Mood: improving. I laugh more. I feel lighter. I can only be grateful that the threat of depression, another real episode, was just that--a threat. (Knock wood.)

I read a bit of my willpower book, and I like the anatomy/physiolog part as how it relates to the "I want", "I will", "I won't" functions. I think once I get into the more pragmatic applications, my mojo will rise, too. As it is, today is the first day in weeks that I felt like my motivation to resume this journey is coming back. And that is a huge relief. Apathy sucks. No question about that.

And my toes are red again. :D Good sign...

And the quotes for this challenge:

"The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term is the indispensable prerequisite for success." 

~Maxwell Maltz

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

~Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

It's easier to handle the blues and other less easy times in life...when you...

at Pilates session yesterday...

...build some muscle.

And eat right.
And get rest.
And get a bit of sun.
And smile at someone.
And read encouraging and wise words.
And listen to music.
And spend time with the folks who love you.

The old advice and common sense is right.  It comes down to those basics.

Just what I was thinking today. :) (And doing yesterday.)

Be well...

A Better Day Today: A "thank you" in VLOG form...(my first vlog, woohoo)

I added some notes on YOUTUBE, cause I made flubs ("drummist", mispronounced "Nakatani", Bible note). Hey, it's one take, no editing. So, flubs are normal. Heh. I am really HUMAN, see? :)

E2E Midweek Update #8: A long and about-all-sorts-of stuff post....including~~~When "Not Red"= "Blue"; a middle of the night crisis; and just looking for the way through, cause I've been lower and I know there's a way up...plus a bunch of pics cause I gots a new iPhone for Birthday!..and can floral prints and red lipstick and Free Jazz jolt me out the dark?

The word which God has written on the brow of every man is Hope.

VICTOR HUGO, Les Misérables

I'm in recovery mode in a lot of ways.

1. Ate way more than I planned to or wanted to at my birthday party. Unlike last year, I had double servings. In all, I ended up at around 2600 calories.

2. I have hit the salty stuff again. Been craving feta and olives. Yeah...

3. Am still in all-over joint pain, and am angry about it.

4. Just am angry in general and feeling really betrayed by my body --again, since this is an old story with me and my defective body. I first wanted to kill myself when I was 9, and I hated my sickly body then. Today, I'm fighting the hate...again.

Tanita-san was 183.4 after my birthday. It's 181.6 today.

And last night, I think I hit a crisis in all this. Like at 2:30 in the AM, in bed, I had this passing, lightly voiced though: "I wish I could close my eyes and not open them again."

It startled me into wakefulness and I jostled hubby to talk. (poor dear man)  He prayed over me, we talked. I was able to sleep after that, but I felt sad. I felt like the wonderful, happy, energetic, motivated, cheery, "getting healthy" me was just evaporating and the old crap depressed, unmotivated, apathetic, self-hating me was reimposiging. Like when You see one body fade out in Star Trek and another fade in the transporter. I felt this overwhelming fear of getting older and sicker and all this work being for naught.

I fear that it's a losing a battle.

Then I try to rah-rah myself out of those thoughts.

Then they come back.

Pom-poms. Dark thoughts. Forced smile. Dark thoughts....

I have this Jekyll/Hyde thing going on. I work myself up into some motivation, but then it fades and I mope around wanting to do nothing. I tell myself I'm gonna get better, then the pain in my body and the lack of vim reminds me that even with all the sacrifices, hard work, costly foods, costly trainer, when it comes down to it, I'm defective, and my body will turn around and whack me on the head when I least expect it. Betrayal. I'm sick of that shit.

And then I get angry again.

Anyway, today, instead of dragging and moping out of bed, I turned on the radio when the alarm went off. I put on a Christian show and forced myself to focus on positive, healing things. I stayed in bed for an hour, sometimes talking to my body, sometimes begging it to stop hurting and heal up.

I need patience. I need to remember that I've felt WORSE. I've been lower. I think of those much worse off, pray for THEM and feel bad for being so self-absorbed and selfish. But, eventually, nothing brings one's thoughts back to oneself than a body part letting itself be known as malfunctioning.

I figure Lent begins today, and what I want to give up for Lent is the pattern of self-absorbed self-pity. To acquire patience and wait until my thyroid normalizes. If the pains remain, then know it's time to see the rheumatologist. To accept that aging brings this crap to many of us, and I'm no exception. To know it would be worse had I not done what I've done for 1 1/2 years--the right stuff.

I have not lost hope. But I feel this ugly slide that seems beyond my control, the body doing stuff to the mind. Happens.

So, yeah, back to routine. I can't walk or exercise like I had been, so I just find what I CAN do--even if it's finding that chair exercise show/DVD. Even if it's taking "marching in place" breaks when I'm on the puter. Even if it's isometric. Even if it's just arm stuff when I'm watching tv. Something. Push the apathy aside and do it for my good.

I'm gonna try to figure out how to Vlog, as I think maybe trying something new will be helpful. I'm sure I'm not videogenic, and this is a bit anxiety-provoking for me, the gal who always used to avoid cameras (had no photographer at my wedding, for instance). But, I got an iPhone for my birthday (lost my old phone the day before, so the timing was great), and I might as well learn to use it for blogging and self-development. :D


Some of the first pics taken with my camera:

This is the actual initial photo:

Decaf and water before food,
and you can see I didn't really fix up my hair!

We ended at a diner that's open late, since we got out of the mall just after 10pm with my new phone. They have a huge, multi-laminated-page menu, but I flipped right to the salad page, which is across from the low-carb page:

I had the "Greek" with chicken...

Just took some new pics:

I had my typical breakfast, and was grateful to have it and enjoy it and be filled by it. (yep, thankfulness is part of my "rehab"). I'm doing this update as I drink my second cup o' joe...and now it's time for vitamins:

Yummy java is gone, watermelon
and vitamins to go!

 As I sit here typing, uploading, sipping, I'm looking at my feet and they are like a the visual objective correlative" to my emo-state:

Unpedicured: A bad sign!

 Here's the deal: Anyone who has read my blogs for years and has seen pics of my weigh-in feet or feet in general knows I always have pedicured feet. Red or pinky red or warm orangey reds or deep burgundies, but usually a pretty red. Siren red being my fave types. Rich, deep, sexy reds.

Those toes have no red. My toes have been UNred for nearly two weeks. This hasn't happened in years. Seriously, the only time my nekkid toenails see the light of day is the hour or so it takes to take off polish, cut, file, buff, neaten cuticles, etc, before the next layering of polish goes on. Naked toenails says A LOT about how I've been feeling.

Not red = blue.

Red is my happy color. I've used my red bags and shoes more lately to try to cheer myself up, but I haven't mustered up the energy to do my toes (I do my own feet.) It makes me sad to see naked toes. I need to get to it...who knows? Might help. Red toes = joy.

I do still put red on my lips. Some of my birthday splurge haul:

One of these things is not like the others...
L'Absolu NOT!

Yeah, I got some red lippies. A couple of Nars glosses, a Lancome L'Absolu Nu lipstick in "Red Chiffon" and a cheapo one--a Revlon "Just Bitten" lipstain with balm from the drugstore-- in "Flame".

I can't wear eye makeup (allergies), so I tend to go nuts with lipstick and blushers. And I love red variations--more than coppers, browns, plums, mauves, pinks, corals, oranges, peaches. I love red! And I look good in red. :D  The Nars run $25 each and the Lancome is $29, so these are PRICEY!!!!!!!!!!!!  I got two of my very fave Nars glossses (Misbehave, Scandal). Because I was made so happy by the Lancome Rouge Absolute that I got for Christmas (I posted a pic back then), I decided to try this somewhat cooler and a lot sheerer red in the new line.

Sucks. Sucks bad. My perfectly smooth, spoiled with care lips began cracking and peeling within hours. Yeah, thanks...$29 bucks for an allergic reaction.

I searched online and saw a few comments from other reviewers that this particular lipstick (line?) caused dryness and reactions. So, I recommend if you even considered this crazy expensive lippie: STAY WAY. Repeat after me, "L'Absolutely NOT!"

Get the Rouge Absolute if you want a great, creamy, beautiful, sexy red. :D

I'm returning it to Sephora. First return EVER to that store. This lipstick sucked.

Oh, and on a note for previous update: I tried on the dress Sunday, but hubby and I were rushing to leave for my party and no pics got taken. But no progress, obviously, and a little retrograde movement, as the zipper went higher than first pic on the initial E2E post, but lower than second pic I took a couple weeks back. Which makes sense as I had gone UP some onTanita-San....

I wish I had taken birthday pics. Sigh. None to share.

The Dress, Not Me..

I had a beautiful, girly, Nine West floral dress that was really loose at size 16 (my challenge dress is a too snug on top Nine West size 14). I got lots of compliments and my BIL said I was looking like a teenager again. (Mad exaggeration, but I think after decades of seeing me hiding in black and navy, seeing me in a bright, bright summer dress with red flats --knees and toe wouldn't let me wear the red heels I'd originally planned--and red beads must have been eye-shocking to him.)

It was an intentional strategy to work on "upping" my mood. I went in a blaze of glory of colors....my lips were so shiny, planes may have been diverted by accident by the startling reflection.

Well, it helped. Never underestimate the power of color. For a while, it was cheering.

So, a long and sort of episodic update. Things are not good. Things will get better.

I don't necessarily plan to update a lot, or visit blogs much--sorry!-- so I wanted to make sure to have my say in this one. I want to spend more time meditating and reading Scripture and praying and looking at the stars and enjoying the explosion of flowers in my garden and just remembering to HOPE and BELIEVE that this, too, shall pass.

Because nothing is worse than giving in to the dark.

Light ....light is where it's at.

Okay, I'm off to have more water and shower and be presentable to get my organic goodies. And if my energy holds out, hubby has offered to take me to a newish local spot for "out of the ordinary" performers to see...

Him:

and them, too.


"Free Jazz". It's an experience and not the general "cuppa tea". But hubby and I did the jazz concert thing a lot in our dating and newlywed days. I have mighty romantic associations with Jaco Pastorius, Chick Correa, Larry Carlton, Gato Barbieri, Jeff Lorber with Kenny G, Paco de Lucia, et al.

If my energy is up for it--it's until 11:30 pm and it is a worknight for my tootsie--it might be something to help with this tide-turning endeavor of mine. Who knows what odd "free" sounds might do to the chemicals and the brain, yes? Vibrations are mighty things..and music is potent stuff.

Okay, peace out. :)

Be well...I'm working on it....

And the quotes for this challenge:

"The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term is the indispensable prerequisite for success." 

~Maxwell Maltz

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

~Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Struggling, but My Attitude Sucketh NOT in a week of Roller-Coastering Mood ; )..plus day out with sisters and totally resisted the killer fried food and dessert barrage...but it's asthma-season for me...EASY LUNCHBOXES and planning what you eat..and has anyone tried PURE WRAPS?

I am on increased meds, so excuse the rambliness of major proportions, should it show up. :)

This was an emotional week. A few reasons:

1. Since the weekend, the asthma/allergies have started getting worse. August is a notorious month for me (September, too). A month that often saw me in the emergency room in the past (before I became better controlled with a battery of Rx's), often saw me with bad sinusitis, bronchitis, nosebleeds, visits to docs, steroids,e tc. So, doing Pilates this week has been hard. I've even teared up today in frustration at not being able to breathe deeply or control my breathing. My walks have been at a slower pace (no sprinting or superwalking), because my respiration can't keep up. But I'm trying to stay active.

2, Sunday, the family (sans eldest sis who was visiting with ill relatives and friends) got together. Mood up. Tuesday was the first month marking of my nephew's death. Mood way down. Yesterday was the 13th anniversary of my father's death. Sad. But my sisters and I, and my niece (the one whose brother just died) and grandniece (her papa is the one who died) got together to put flowers at the cemetery and have lunch and talk. This was good. But there were some teary  moments.  And today is my big brother's (well, the youngest of the 3 big brothers) birthday. Glad he's alive and well (though he's asthmatic/allergic-sufferer, too, so we congest together). Up and down and up and down.

3. Appetite has been higher, no longer superzen. This is a combo of the stress from the breathing, the mood shifts, and who knows, maybe the extra fruits I'd been having since last week. Scale is still higher than my lowest weigh-in, and the lack of adequate sleep is making things worse. Oh, yeah, that does make me hungry, forgot that. Not sleeping. (This is partly the meds, partly the trying to shift to earlier hours.) It will sort out, but it means it's tough to portion meals and it's a struggle.

On the plus side: 
~I'm still trying to move at a good level against the breathing odds. Makes me feel...powerful...to not give in. :D

~I'm not focusing constantly on the stressful negatives, but actively focusing on what's good and making "thanksgiving breaks" during the day when I focus on and thank God for the great stuff in my life. I am blessed in so many ways.

~While we ate out yesterday--at Ruby Tuesday's--I had salad bar (1 and a half plates of all the non-starchy veggies plus some egg and a couple tablespoons of the chopped ham for protein. Drank my water, decaf, iced tea. Kin had a fried/butter-drenched extravaganza. And when everyone else had the chocolate lava cake with ice cream and tiramisu, right in FRONT OF MY FACE, I didn't touch a single crumb/spoonful. I just sipped my coffee and averted my eyes when tiramisu flew around. ; )

~Been really tired, tired, tired in the evenings (lack of sleep, adrenal exertions from the meds increase), but still am fixing hubby his three bento boxes' worth of healthy lunches before I go to bed and making sure he has his breakfast stuff--which sometimes means scrambling his eggs ahead of time so he can nuke em warm, or making gluten-free hotcakes (he can have starch, since he's a metabolic burner!) with no-sugar homemade fruit compote, etc.  He and I really love the EASY LUNCHBOXES system I got him last week and we started using this week. It's a positive, cause I'm keeping up with NOT caving to crap, even when exhausted. I force myself to the grocery store; I make myself make the lunches. I make sure we have produce galore. Big plus. Big lifestyle change from the gal who just would call for delivery crap when tired.

As far as the EASY LUNCHBOXES: a dream for us. Three boxes fit in the bag, and it zips and is easy to carry. Works great. He gets two meals and one box full of snacks (nuts, Larabar, hummus with carrot sticks, cheese n apple slices, etc.

I won a set from Katie J's blog (thanks, Katie!) and that should arrive soon. This way, we'll each have our own bento system, which is lovely, as when we have to take food for BOTH OF US to avoid temptations when out and about, that will simplify matters. And they have a great page with pics of REAL lunches and ideas. They do need more low-carb, Paleo, Primal, Gluten Free example pics! Maybe I'll snap one these days of hubby's threesome. ; )

No BPA. And though the lids are made for kids to be easy pop open (not Tupperware supertight), I just use rubber bands to secure stuff that might spill and use Press n Seal for when I use cottage cheese/yogurt/mooshy-smooshy-semi-solid--oozey stuff.

I have the bags in olive and aqua, and won a system with a dark red bag. The newest color is the pink, I think, and young girls, as we know, loveth the pink. With my three bags and 8 containers--and they have nice colorful lids--I'm REALLY set.  I fill them at night, put the whole bag in the fridge, and hubby just has to grab 'n go in the AM when he's ready to head out for the office. Then he puts the whole bag in the fridge at work. :D EASY!

It's a great TOOL to make sure you think about what to eat and plan for balanced, healthful, non-crap meals. If you're a dieter who works, really, get some sort of brown-bagging or bento system. Makes things easier. And making stuff is as simple as cooking extra at dinner (or lunch or breakfast) and saving it for the next day. And some things I pack are so easy and don't require cooking for hubby: nuts, fruit, cottage cheese, salads with deli meat, etc. If you like  yogurt, you can make a whole great snack in one bento, make your main lunch food in another, and not have to give in to office-crap temptations.

Speaking of stuff that makes lunches easier: Anyone try those gluten-free, no soy or assorted weird stuff alternate to regular sandwich wraps,  PURE WRAPS? If you have, review it or link me up to your review of it. And where did ya get it? Thanks.

Anyway, if the weather is benevolent--and August/September in Miami is not the most benevolent of times for exercisers being outdoors--I will have my walk and that will make for almost 1.5 hours of exercise for the day. I may not be able to go all-out while I have congestion issues, but I can do something. And so can you!

I wish all my fellow fatfighters well today. If you're struggling like me to get back down the scale and find your full-behemoth mojo again, let's egg each other on. No quitting. Ever!

later, lovelies...

Sore. Relieved. Sad. Blessed. Grateful. Bloated. Sis Strategy. Sweet Potatoes?

Sore: MY MUSCLES HURT! My first Pilates training session since the family tragedy. It's been four weeks. I put my all into it. We did the whole body. And though I'm normally only feeling the soreness the night AFTER, I felt it as soon as I moved to get up. Ow. That's great, right?

I love feeling that feeling. Muscles: build away.

Relieved: My sister's pericardial effusion is resolving on the corticosteroid, and so no surgical intervention is planned for now. Her grief is huge and pressing on her, and her 70-year old body is trying hard to stand against it. But I'm relieved no surgery. Thank you, God.

Sad: Just one of those "I woke up missing the gone" days. Also, I've visited some blogs today, and some made me feel sad cause some folks are having hard times with the eating or their health. I know that story too well. I've never had perfect health and still envy those who do or know what that's like. I don't. I won't ever in this body. I gotta wait for the resurrection to have that inkling. If you want to share some of the sadness, read this post. Read it especially if you have blood sugar issues/are at risk for diabetes/are not working on losing the fat and getting healthy. Don't close the barn door too late. And please pray for Deb. She is in a time of seeking...and I wish her only the greatest wisdom and peace as she does.



Blessed:  Even with all the worries on my mind this summer, I can say I'm blessed in many ways and I choose to be grateful for the love and goodness God has allowed into my life. It's the only way to keep any perspective when times are hard--financially, emotionally, dietetically, medically, relationally, etc.

Can you walk? Blessed. Can you see? Blessed. Can you hear? Blessed. Do you have clean running water in your home? Blessed. Shoot, do you HAVE a home? Blessed. Is there healthful food in your home? Blessed. (And if you doubt it's an enormous blessing, think of East Africa's trials right now.  And give--I chose World Vision, as I've sponsored a couple kids in Africa through them for 13 years now.) Does someone love you? Blessed.Blessed. Are you mostly pain-free? Blessed. Can you think, imagine, dream, hope, strive with your own hands, work, sleep, and wake again to a new day of a life in a free land? Blessed.

Bloated: And I'm blessed even when the scale goes up cause of sodium bloat. I had gone about 20 hours without eating, and right in the middle of my walk,  I got hungry. Just got really hungry. I detoured to a local sushi place and in 5 minutes was back walking, with a small takeout bag in my hand. Incentive to walk FASTER to get home. Hah.

Aw, man, that avocado sushi and kappa roll with my first meal of the day were lovely, but the starch and soy sauce bloat, not so much. Glad I exercised hard yesterday--my 55 minute Pilates and 30 minute brisk walk. It was a starchy indulgence.

Sis Strategy: That's my sister's treat method--middle one, not eldest with the heart issue now. If she wants something "off plan", she makes herself walk to get it, eat it, walk back, and burn off the calories. So, if she wants pizza, instead of a bus or drive, she walks to the pizzeria, and figures out how much more exercise she needs to burn it off. Always has done that. And back in her younger days, she was down to a size 6 (old size 6, which is more like a 2 or 4 in today's sizing). And she only got up a bit in weight (she's in the 160s now) in her SIXTIES and with illness keeping her inside more in the heat. But she was always incredibly shapely, lean, and PAID for her treats with movement. I should have learned that system ages ago, huh?

The sushi place was about 15 minutes away, walking. :) I wonder how much I burned off of that rice?

Sweet Potatoes?  Our American kids raise funds for their schools selling candy or crap plastic "made in China" products that don't work or last. Japanese kiddes sell...sweet potatoes? Wow. That's interesting. And they're cute, too, in those yellow hat. Lookee here.  Looks like they even plant and grow those babies themselves. Hm. That in part may explain why their kids aren't ballooning to insane weights and early diabetes in as rapid a pace or rate as ours. I'm sick of seeing kids selling candy bars to raise money, or cookies, or cakes. How about they sell fresh fruit? A bag of no sugar/no salt trail mix? How about they sell baked sweet potatoes? Or have an herb harden they tend (exercise) and sell bundles of basil, dill, chives, oregano, cilantro, etc. :) Oh, right. People will spend it on crap, not fresh, real food, is that the obstacle? Sad. I've not bought Girl Scout cookies for years. I'd happily buy Girl Scout Herbs and Lettuces. :D

Today, count your blessings, pray for those struggling, support those you can, accept support if you need it, eat healthfully, move well, rest deeply, and say thank you for the simple and beautiful and needful and enlightening things in your life.

Be well...

My First Day Back to Finding Some Normality Again...random stuff, including some food stuff, some scary stuff, some weepy stuff, some spiritual stuff, some transformational stuff, wonderful stuff

I slept until I felt rested. Nice.

I weighed in, to get back in the habit: 187.6
New Low: Nice. And that with having two starch servings with dinner (boiled yuca with EVOO and garlic and 1/2 cup rice).

I had brown rice with breakfast. I guess that's my starch serving for today.

I prayed: Felt calm. I was bawling again last night (worried about sis' health), so this was a good feeling.

It had been a long time since I felt strong leadings from God or had anything like a vision, and I've had two this past month. I don't doubt that just the intensity of one's feelings, the extent of prayer time, and the more time spent in pondering spiritual things puts one in a more receptive mode. Perhaps, yes?

A call from someone from a very good company looking to see if hubby was interested. Interesting, but worrisome. I don't want to move away from family. This company has several locations in North America, and none are in the South Florida area. Hm. Mixed feelings here.

I have so much to do here--I'm talking seriously a ton of stuff that's frightening me, it's so overwhelming-- in order to position us to move, should that become necessary.

I've lived in the Eastern time zone all my life. ALL MY LIFE. I've never traveled out of it, unless Puerto Rico/St. Thomas counts. To be in Canada or California,etc, the very idea feels freaky. I'm so an "Eastern" gal. And now such a Florida gal. And really, such a Miami gal. It's just weird to imagine being someplace else. I'm praying NOT to have to be someplace else. But am trying to become more flexible, just in case.

I'm not feeling vexed at all these days about food. The temptations came daily and I fought them off. I didn't have a strict enough caloric count to lose much, but I felt really in control. It's a strange new feeling. I want to hold on to that for my whole life. I really like feeling NOT dominated by food desires. Feeling like I am becoming the master (mistress?) of my appetite.

I found the comments on this blog post really interesting. The complicated stuff around losing and keeping weight off, what is the best way to eat, etc, is endlessly interesting to me. I know part of my journey this time is learning what my body likes and can handle. What is optimum, and what is livable...  It's gotta be lifelong, and while some scoff at eating in a way NOW while losing that is livable for life, I think it's a rational way to proceed. I have to diet forever. It's just how it is. I want it to be enjoyable and nutritious, but not...obsessive. That's the path I am trying to forge...so far, so good. But since "pride goeth before a fall", I keep my eyes and ears and heart and mind open to new information and science and psychology and want to be a learner. Learn what's the latest, but adapt it to what "I" need to make it work.

I'm not panicking. I'm not anxiety-ridden (as I normally would be). Death puts other changes in a huge new perspective, a different context.

Anyway, I called hubby and asked if he'd be home in time to walk. Answer: yes.

Restarting old habits.

And...

New starts for new habits.

Today: A new day. "I will rejoice and be glad in it"...as much as I can.

Be well.

Day 31 of 84 in the StSC: Restaking Lost Ground, Grooving Again, Went Swimming in a REAL (not kiddie) Pool, My New Bathing Suit... Go eat a PLUMCOT, and Finding my Cheer Again!

Tanita-san: 189.8

So back in the 180s after some weight weirdnesses and a wacky week of moods and non-bingey overeating. I'm sure all the exercise yesterday helped. I had my Pilates session, which was slightly restrained due to some breathing issues. (Allergy-related, as I'm fine indoors, but get some small attacks when I go outside. Minor, but annoying.)

Then after Pilates, I checked the pool hours, saw they had night swimming back. So, hubby and I spent an hour padding and jumping about and otherwise having wet fun. It was really pretty to be there as the sun went down with big looming fluffy clouds and palm trees. Nice. Reminded me a bit of our honeymoon way back when.

I may try to do the pool thing once a week. I hated how my hair felt afterwards and did a protein and deep condish to get my silky status back. :)  Hubby had fun, too, so once a week should be doable.

No pics, as they don't allow cameras there. But I wore a new--very cheap--bathing suit, once piece. Not a swimdress. Just a regular once-piece.  See the pic at right. The fit at the bottom was perfect. I could have used a lot more room for "the girls", but adjusted the best I could. I let my crinkly thighs and saggy butt be out there, and whoever didn't like it, tough. I put on waterproof lip stain (RED) and wore my Chacos sandals (so I didn't have to be barefooted in the shower room and risk fungus). To and from the pool, I wore my FILA tennis skirt, and quite frankly, I looked cute. Hubby complimented me.

It's nice to feel like a cute girl sometimes, right?

Oh, while I remember: GO EAT SOME PLUMCOTS. Lord, they're so good this year. I want to eat 12 of them at one go, but I limit myself to two per meal or snack. So delicious. I want to weep with joy when I bite into one. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. The peaches/nectarines/apricots/plums have been very nice, but the plumcots are INSANE!!!! ::spits out a pit as happy tears trail down the Princess' cheeks::::

And on a personal "positive" note: I noticed I was cheerful again, not just at the convention, hyped by the atmosphere, but in general. The way people respond, including the kids at the pool, made me realize my big grin was back in force and I had pushed my anxieties and concerns to the back of my mind enough to just be happy again. Sometimes, compartmentalizing ain't bad.

I feel like such a doofus that I did the Monday update for the challenge and forgot to add my linky to Debbi's list. Duh, me. Sorry to my fellow challengers about that.

I hope that we can all re-invigorate (well, those of us who had bobbled a bit) and see the full 12 weeks through. Some weeks won't be ideal, but progress is progress. Let's hang in there and make it a summer of transformation.

Well, I'm off to glug my fluids and figure out what to do exercise-wise as the cloudscape is mighty scary.

I wish you a happy and healthy Wednesday.

Day 24 of 84 in the StSC: Melancholy Day, Rainy Gray Day, WireFree 38DDD LB Bras Fit, and Planning How To Avoid Temptations at the SUPERCON!

I woke up melancholic. I also woke up 191.4.

I had started feeling a shift in my mood lately, and waking up with that "it's cloudy and gray in my mind" sensation confirmed that my body is up to something chemically.

This might explain my jonesing for fruit and salty. Last night, I had gluten-free pretzels for a snack, and yes, totally processed crap, cause I wanted salt so bad. Dipped 120 calories worth in yellow mustard to satisfy the I WANT SOMETHING CRUNCHY AND SALTY RIGHT NOW urge, before it turned into something sinister and bingey. It's been harder staying under 1400 the last couple days (but I've done it), and it's all about wanting fruit (sweet) and salt. Just like my old depressed PMSing days.

I know there is a weight/mood connection. I know when I feel the lighter sort of blues--this is not all out depression, just that cloudy-gray melancholia thing--that I need to start being seriously attentive and preemptive or I might dip into a depression. I haven't been all-out depressed-depressed-clinically-depressed since end of 2007/start of 2008, and I haven't had a mood impairment of significance since over a year. It's been pretty clear-sailing for a long spell, for which I am grateful.

So, preemptively, I added something salty but protein/low-cal  (Canadian bacon) along with something sweet and natural (cherries) to get that sort of sweet/salty thing taken care of first thing. Had my eggs with mushrooms and added herbs and onions for flavor, and added salt to the eggs. Just a bit. Normally, I don't. I got used to Mrs. Dash on my eggs months ago (round late January/early February), but I want to satisfy whatever the heck is in my chemical mess right now without resorting to Frankensnacks. I'd rather get it from a processed meat with protein than a processed low-carb weirdo food. Cherries are super-sweet and anti-inflammatory. My joints are a bit swollen, so two birds, one bowl of stone fruit.

Since I woke up with the melancholy flu, I put on praise music right off. I first put on more serious praise music, as it fit the mood--Rich Mullins' posthumous brilliant JESUS RECORD. It's still one of my fave Christian music albums. The songs are like these grittily gleaming gems with amazing lyrics and gifted musicianship. When Ashley Cleveland sings, "Jesus, write me into your story. Whisper it to me. And let me know I'm yours..."--I just tend to get these astonishingly strong feelings. It's my favorite song, along with MY DELIVERER, from a top-notch creative work. I prefer the disc where Rich doesn't sing--he sings only in the demos, which are moving in themselves--but where his friends and colleagues sing his songs in a tribute after his passing.

Here is one of the members of the Ragamuffin Band (Rich's band) singing "My Deliverer". I sing that chorus spontaneously on days when I feel at the end of my rope or just like I need a dose of uplifting hope and, above all, PERSPECTIVE, which this video gives a solid dose of:

"My Deliverer is coming; my Deliverer is standing by.
He will never break His promise; He has written it across the sky...
I will never doubt His promise, though I doubt my heart, I doubt my eyes...
My Deliverer is coming; my Deliverer is standing by..."

We all have to be "delivered" from something. Maybe you're lucky, and the only deliverance you need is from food addiction. Yes, that's being real luck. But we all need some delierance.

Anyway, after some songs--Rich's deep songs and David Crowder's louder modern praise tunes--I had perspective and less "grayness" and pensive sadness over the crap in the world and less anxiety about my future. Maybe not my usual cheer, but it was a lifting up of some kind. Perspective. One can't feel sorry for oneself when one knows the historical and currrent series of sufferings of others. My problems are so tiny, so very tiny, when viewed in the light of the REAL suffering of those in the video and in the Bible and in history and, heck, in my own hometown.

Praise is a healing thing. Perspective is a centering thing.

If you feel really down about something essentially minor or stupid, get over it. Life is gonna have hard times, and some people's hard times are horrible beyond imagining. I spent a good portion of my hour after waking praying for those in captivity (sex slavery and other forms of captivity). They know what suffering is. They know what hardship is. People dieting don't know squat. People who have lousy jobs don't know squat. People with relationship issues don't know squat. Having loved ones falsely imprisoned, your daughter sold into a brothel, your wife tortured, your son murdered, your body racked by an incurable and deadly disease. Those are real trials and suffering.

What most of us have on a daily basis just doesn't compare. So, we need perspective.

Wouldn't you rather be hungry cause you're not eating as much for the sake of weight loss than be hungry cause your farm was attacked by locusts or a rebel army? Yeah, thought so.

And if you are reviled--as some online will, due to stalkers or mean people doing their mean thing--it's trivial in the big picture. Dust yourself off, stand up, praise God that you can see, walk, eat, sleep under a sound roof (or any roof), have healthy kids, have a loving partner, have any job in an economy like ours. Be grateful. Sing a song of gratitude. Smile even if you feel like NOT smiling. Adjust your attitude.

I'm adjusting mine today. I won't let my biochemical wonkiness mess with this day God gave me. I choose joy and gratitude--even if it's elusive today. Even if I worry about hubby losing his job. Even if I worry about my sick sister and my recently hospitalized nephew. Even if I worry about growing old and sicker. I choose hope and joy and thankfulness.

So, say grace when you sit to eat your planned meal. It may not be a bingey feast like you may have had in the past, but it will be good health for you. Be grateful for the food on your plate, the clean water in your glass, the life you have, the life you WILL have...the dreams you can make come true.

Onto other things:

Calories: Okay, got 600 to 800 more calories left for my supper and possible snack. Should be fine. Hubby wants Thai, and for me, it's easy to get something on plan there. I like their chicken and avocado sushi.

Exercise: I'm sitting here in my workout clothes. Rain has curtailed my walking, but I went out for a very brief walk yesterday between showers. I hope today, I can do my full 30 to 40 mins. I'll do what I can. If not, then I'll dance. But I will move.

Prayer: Yes, you are being prayed for, fellow challengers. Please, stay in it. Even if you stumble. Let's stay in it all the way!

Bras: I got a shipment of Lane Bryant bras and undies (they had an online sale and I took advantage). The wirefree lace ones are REALLY comfy and have decent support. 38DDD. I could maybe have gone for 38DDDD (my usual), but they don't carry that. The underwire 38DDD had not enough cup room. I'll have to wait until I'm a 36 band, and they'll probably fit better. ; ) If you want a comfy, girly wirefree, check out the LB lace wirefree. Pretty cute.

Weekend Planning: Hubby and I have hit the Florida Supercon two years running. Prior to that, I was so heavy and out of shape, that I couldn't handle a convention. But Pilates helped me get through my first in 2009. Last year was a breeze, even walking constantly for 12 hours+. This year, as long as my knee holds out, should be even better, as I'm way smaller than I was last year in th 260s. Seventy+ pounds off makes a huge difference in stamina and flexibility. I hope there's dancing! :D  I am looking forward to seeing if Bruce Boxleitner is as handsome in person. One of the hunkiest guys on TV ever! Commander Sheridan in Babylon-5 (one of my fave SF programs, I own the box set) and he looked pretty hot in TRON and SCARECROW AND MRS KING, too. :)  Anya of BuffyTVS (Emma Caulfield) is gonna be there, too.  I go for the SF and anime/manga/Japanese culture/art stuff. My hubby goes mostly for the gaming/anime stuff. We have fun. :D  Don't expect much blogging again this coming weekend.

So, I gotta plan for my eats. I know they always have chicken Caesar salads and usually some kind of fresh fruit. I'll have breakfast before going, take one of my all natural sticky-bars (sort of like a fruit/nut composite trail mixy thing) and plan to have tea, water, coffee, and the chicken salad for lunch, maybe dinner, too. Not sure how to work dinner. If I have to, I'll just do the protein/salad/fruit thing twice. The most important thing is to stay very well-hydrated, or I will get hugely hungry. I gotta make sure to guzzle water and avoid the Pocky vendors. ; )  I have a weakness for Coconut Pocky.

Okay, gonna go and enjoy some French Press decaf and get in more water with it.

I wish you all a joyful, thankful, healthful day. Be well...

Still struggling with the mood/sleep, but I will conquer! Also, making breakfast a bit different than my usual (with pics). Sore quads from sprint bursts. Really? Two days after still? Nice. And the Push-Ups Proposition!!!!

Tanita-san was mean: 198.6
Wednesday was 198.0

I think the sleep disturbances and the higher salt yesterday are messing me up. I have found in the past--through blogging and weighing and analyzing--that when my sleep goes into the dumps I stall or gain, and when my sleep messes up, I crave salt. I have no idea why there is this connection. Maybe one of y'all out there know. But when I sleep poorly, I gravitate towards the salty.

I slept semi-crappy, and have only had two good sleep days this week--and yes, the turmoil in my mood and stress in my brain is contributing to this, but I also need to get me a new, more coddling mattress. I feel like someone stuffed a bunch of cotton into my cerebrum. Like I'm stupid. My husband has had to repeat stuff to me. I watch a program on tv and have to ask my husband what just happened cause I zone out.

Sleep is important!

I found a book I promised to review (and then lost in my clutter), and it's about MASTERING YOUR SLEEP, so it's time for me to sit, read, and see what I can apply. I am doing too well and a too happy with my current physical changes to have crap sleep and mood and stress sabotage me. Ain't gonna happen. I am putting on my warrior garb and fighting this until I'm sawing away in dreamland with sweet rest.

I worked on mood a bit yesterday, reading encouraging stuff, praying, and FORCING cheerfulness. If you suffer from depressive issues, you know that the last thing you want to do is...be active or be cheery. But since the brain is a mysterious thing and, whether properly shown in studies or not, facial expression CAN have a reaction to mood, I decided to smile up a storm, force laughter, watch comedy and otherwise fight the hell out of the lil blue aura around my head. I  am not WORSE for it, so I will continue to experiment with that. A cheerful face until it revives my normally cheerful heart. A positive thought plan until my optimism and positivity are unforced and natural.

May sound nuts, but if it works, don't care. :D

BREAKFAST:

I have become a creature of diet habit when it comes to breakfast. For me, eggs, veggies, fruit and coffee seem to be what works best for me to control hunger for hours and hours and to make me feel like I had stuff that was emotionally, visually, and mouth-satisfying. I like the colors, the textures, the flavors. So, for me, it's almost a given I'll make a veggie omelette (with cheese usually, and usually egg-white, though occasionally I'll use a whole egg), make fresh gourmet coffee (black and sweetened), drink lots of water, and have (optional, but usual) some fresh fruit. My fruit choice is usually papaya with lime squirted on it. My allergies like its decongestant properties and my tummy likes the enzymes. (I used to suffer from GERD. Not so much now.)

Today, I wanted to do something different with my egg/veggie things, so instead of an egg-white omelette , I took two boiled eggs and 1 additional boiled egg white, made an egg salad out of it with dijon mustard, lite mayo, chopped celery, chopped carrot, chopped scallions, and paprika. I spooned it into little endive leaves  Had to chop off a lot of the endive as it was, sadly, not in the most beautiful shape at the bottom. Tops were fine and crunchy. I made a mini salad of the leftover little endive center bits and cucumber, added a small bit of homemade dijon vinaigrette (EVOO, white wine vinegar, dijon mustard, pepper, stirred up).  It was fun. :) I still perfer omelettes, but this was a nice change and looked PRETTY on the plate! I served some papaya with lime on the side (see pic). I also took a fiber supplement with Chromium and my multivitamin.  Total calories: 369 per Sparkpeople tracker. (27 carbs, effective carbs 16g after subtracting fiber, and 19g protein).

That may be too many carbs for the low-carbers out there, so if you want to try it, of course, just leave out the papaya or have 1/2 cup instead. Or just some blackberries. :) I love enjoying the blackberries this month. So nummy!

Here are pics of a couple of typical breakfasts from this month, as well as today's.

Broccoli slaw and onion omelette with side of garlic mushrooms and blackberries

Greek Omelette (feta, peppers, tomato, onion, fresh oregano leaves) with spinach and mushrooms saute (EVOO) and papaya

Egg Veggie Salad, Cucumber salad, papaya

I ended up not working out at all yesterday. Dang. I felt like such a sluggard. Today, I am gonna use a Pilates DVD (since I missed it yesterday) and do my walk (if the weather permits). I think rest days are great, but two in a row is me risking going back to old, lazy ass ways. Can't let it happen. My quads are still quite sore. I find that even when all we do is a couple spurts of "All out, run for your life" half to a block long sprints (I wouldn't risk much more due to crappy knees), because I really GO GO GO for it, my quads will be sore the next day. I also did a few push-ups Wednesday (I still can't do them PROPERLY, which makes me nuts), so my shoulders/arms feel it a bit,  too. Can any of you ladies to 5 or 10 all out proper push-ups? I know some do (Dr. Fatty does oodles in TKD). But even when I was a skinny kid, I had no fricken pull-up or push-up ability. I could do all sorts of stuff the was lower body with ease, but chin-ups were beyond me, even as a normal weight teen.

One of my goals is to make it to 10 real push-ups by my birthday next year. Is that realistic? Dunno...but it's a goal! No modifications. REAL push-ups.  The Princess' Push-Up Proposition.

Have you set a fitness goal for your next birthday? What? Tell me!

Happy Friday!