A Warring Week, Good Meals, Bad Meals, AKA A Divided Will AKA Old Me vs New Me AKA ARGH!

A week that was all over the place. Some excellent choices, then some bad choices, then some great meals, then some bad meals. Reading to get my good-choice frame of mind in consistent gear. Some praying.

But, really, the decisions were mine, and I chose poorly too often to say this was a winning week.

It's interesting how one can be going along, feeling fine, feeling in control, cooking stuff up properly, watching portions, then, bam, that goes to hell with one self-indulgent choice. The streak ends.

I'm fascinated how I undermine that. I know that I've felt worried and fragile a lot. Worrying about bills and the future and such. Dishing out nearly 7K for property insurance and seeing the checkbook dive, well, that sort of made me wanna dive into the nearest bakery or pizza shop. I went to neither, but I WANTED to.

The OLD ME that binged and relied on food for comfort and joy and hardly took 1000 steps a day, she is still alive and warring with NEW ME, that made sound food choices and got her butt into exercising.

It was years and years of study and work to build up a NEW ME. It felt so good. I was hoping the OLD ME might just go off and die on an ice float or something. I intend for new me to win. But old me is very, very strong. VERY. The anxieties and desire for the brain-hit of comfort.

Anyway, this past week saw me RE-ENTER OBESE ZONE. Yes, I crossed that DREAD BOUNDARY of 185. One weigh in was 185.8. Thursday's. By Sunday, the official weigh-in (listed on my sidebar), it wa back to 183.2. That high weight was partially stoked by tamago and asparagus sushi dipped in super-salty tamari. And the miso dressing. But seeing that number scared me.

And the 170s, which I inhabited for a nice spell and even saw the bottom of, well, that seems so far away AGAIN.

I am also royally ticked off at the doc for reducing my Levoxyl. Ever since she did that, weight has crept up, appetite got up, sleep increased, and I have two vexing new bald spots. It just adds insult to injury. I was already struggling with keeping weight down before she did that. This anger, I do not need.

I find that I'm really sodium-sensitive this month, moreso than usual, the fluctuations, and that might be the thyroid status. No idea. But it's kinda weird. I'm normally not a hoarder. When I had a period, I'd easily go up 4 pounds during the days prior to blast-off, but that was a normal monthly thing, and it would be gone after, so you got used to it.

Anyway, the fight is on here. New Me vs Old Me, and it's fierce. This is the crux. THIS IS WHERE RE GAIN hits the road and become monstruous if not caught and managed. I feel it. I feel that this is where the war is lost or won, this sort of situation where the Old Overeater wants back in, tired of exile. Where the New Me is tired of vigilance and is overcome some days with neurotic thoughts and anxiety attacks. Where food looks like a good old friend who just wants to make me FEEL good again.

Which is, pardon my bluntness. bullshit.

Food Desire is only my friend if it follows the rules of friendly behavior.  If it supports me and doesn't become toxic. If it's a positive force, not a destructive one. The Food Desire that wants "in" now wants in to wreak havoc, not do me good. It's not a friend. I gotta kill it.

That's the deal. Old Me let Food Lust be an enabler and a destroyer. A crutch and a deceiver.

New Me wants food as a partner, to grow and be stronger, not weaker.

I've not surrendered. I'm reading lots of articles on regain. I've highlighted and bookmarked pages in Riley's updated version of BEATING OVEREATING to re-tap into my inner choosing mojo. I've reminded hubby not to be the sweet "whatever you want" guy of the past if I ask for him to get me something destructive. I haven't yet sent him on massive food runs full of crap. The Old Me used to do that--pizza and chocolate cake and enough tacos to choke two horses. So, just in case she shows up, I want him to give me the breathing room of a hesitation and question: "Is that what you really want? Isn't that bad for you?" That's all I need, sometimes. Just to have that moment of stopping, re-deciding.

It's part of taking control, asking, "Is this what you really want? Is this what you choose to have? What are the consequences?"

I have a divided will. Sometimes I answer the question as the New Me: "No, this will subvert my plans for good health. I won't fit into my clothes. I'll feel like a social pariah again."

Sometimes, I answer like the old me. "I don't care. It's what I want now. Consequences be damned, I just want that pleasure NOW."

The devil that is the Old Me is out to get me and make me one of the loser statistics.

I've lost too much. For too long. And it has wrecked parts of my potential and years of my life.

Screw you, devil.

Oh, and yes, I prayed, too.

To those who don't have food issues, well, they won't understand how powerful the lure is. Maybe junkies and sex addicts will get it. But folks who go about and don't self-medicate with food or have old bad habits that grab them back into the pit, they don't get it.

You get it, right?

It's hard.

But we do not give up.

No quitting.

Okay, a new day to get it right. I know all I need is a few weeks of really good days and the new habits reinforce and New Me wins again. For a spell.

I guess this fight goes on for life, as I suspected all along. And it's only easy in periods/stages/phases. Then you put on the armor and go on campaign...again. And again. And as many times as it takes.

Til Kingdom come.

I'll post some of the stuff I gather, cause it helps me. Keeps my head in it. Maybe it will help you. Whether it's for scaring or for encouraging or for illuminating. It helps.

Be well..

E2E Midweek Update #8: A long and about-all-sorts-of stuff post....including~~~When "Not Red"= "Blue"; a middle of the night crisis; and just looking for the way through, cause I've been lower and I know there's a way up...plus a bunch of pics cause I gots a new iPhone for Birthday!..and can floral prints and red lipstick and Free Jazz jolt me out the dark?

The word which God has written on the brow of every man is Hope.

VICTOR HUGO, Les Misérables

I'm in recovery mode in a lot of ways.

1. Ate way more than I planned to or wanted to at my birthday party. Unlike last year, I had double servings. In all, I ended up at around 2600 calories.

2. I have hit the salty stuff again. Been craving feta and olives. Yeah...

3. Am still in all-over joint pain, and am angry about it.

4. Just am angry in general and feeling really betrayed by my body --again, since this is an old story with me and my defective body. I first wanted to kill myself when I was 9, and I hated my sickly body then. Today, I'm fighting the hate...again.

Tanita-san was 183.4 after my birthday. It's 181.6 today.

And last night, I think I hit a crisis in all this. Like at 2:30 in the AM, in bed, I had this passing, lightly voiced though: "I wish I could close my eyes and not open them again."

It startled me into wakefulness and I jostled hubby to talk. (poor dear man)  He prayed over me, we talked. I was able to sleep after that, but I felt sad. I felt like the wonderful, happy, energetic, motivated, cheery, "getting healthy" me was just evaporating and the old crap depressed, unmotivated, apathetic, self-hating me was reimposiging. Like when You see one body fade out in Star Trek and another fade in the transporter. I felt this overwhelming fear of getting older and sicker and all this work being for naught.

I fear that it's a losing a battle.

Then I try to rah-rah myself out of those thoughts.

Then they come back.

Pom-poms. Dark thoughts. Forced smile. Dark thoughts....

I have this Jekyll/Hyde thing going on. I work myself up into some motivation, but then it fades and I mope around wanting to do nothing. I tell myself I'm gonna get better, then the pain in my body and the lack of vim reminds me that even with all the sacrifices, hard work, costly foods, costly trainer, when it comes down to it, I'm defective, and my body will turn around and whack me on the head when I least expect it. Betrayal. I'm sick of that shit.

And then I get angry again.

Anyway, today, instead of dragging and moping out of bed, I turned on the radio when the alarm went off. I put on a Christian show and forced myself to focus on positive, healing things. I stayed in bed for an hour, sometimes talking to my body, sometimes begging it to stop hurting and heal up.

I need patience. I need to remember that I've felt WORSE. I've been lower. I think of those much worse off, pray for THEM and feel bad for being so self-absorbed and selfish. But, eventually, nothing brings one's thoughts back to oneself than a body part letting itself be known as malfunctioning.

I figure Lent begins today, and what I want to give up for Lent is the pattern of self-absorbed self-pity. To acquire patience and wait until my thyroid normalizes. If the pains remain, then know it's time to see the rheumatologist. To accept that aging brings this crap to many of us, and I'm no exception. To know it would be worse had I not done what I've done for 1 1/2 years--the right stuff.

I have not lost hope. But I feel this ugly slide that seems beyond my control, the body doing stuff to the mind. Happens.

So, yeah, back to routine. I can't walk or exercise like I had been, so I just find what I CAN do--even if it's finding that chair exercise show/DVD. Even if it's taking "marching in place" breaks when I'm on the puter. Even if it's isometric. Even if it's just arm stuff when I'm watching tv. Something. Push the apathy aside and do it for my good.

I'm gonna try to figure out how to Vlog, as I think maybe trying something new will be helpful. I'm sure I'm not videogenic, and this is a bit anxiety-provoking for me, the gal who always used to avoid cameras (had no photographer at my wedding, for instance). But, I got an iPhone for my birthday (lost my old phone the day before, so the timing was great), and I might as well learn to use it for blogging and self-development. :D


Some of the first pics taken with my camera:

This is the actual initial photo:

Decaf and water before food,
and you can see I didn't really fix up my hair!

We ended at a diner that's open late, since we got out of the mall just after 10pm with my new phone. They have a huge, multi-laminated-page menu, but I flipped right to the salad page, which is across from the low-carb page:

I had the "Greek" with chicken...

Just took some new pics:

I had my typical breakfast, and was grateful to have it and enjoy it and be filled by it. (yep, thankfulness is part of my "rehab"). I'm doing this update as I drink my second cup o' joe...and now it's time for vitamins:

Yummy java is gone, watermelon
and vitamins to go!

 As I sit here typing, uploading, sipping, I'm looking at my feet and they are like a the visual objective correlative" to my emo-state:

Unpedicured: A bad sign!

 Here's the deal: Anyone who has read my blogs for years and has seen pics of my weigh-in feet or feet in general knows I always have pedicured feet. Red or pinky red or warm orangey reds or deep burgundies, but usually a pretty red. Siren red being my fave types. Rich, deep, sexy reds.

Those toes have no red. My toes have been UNred for nearly two weeks. This hasn't happened in years. Seriously, the only time my nekkid toenails see the light of day is the hour or so it takes to take off polish, cut, file, buff, neaten cuticles, etc, before the next layering of polish goes on. Naked toenails says A LOT about how I've been feeling.

Not red = blue.

Red is my happy color. I've used my red bags and shoes more lately to try to cheer myself up, but I haven't mustered up the energy to do my toes (I do my own feet.) It makes me sad to see naked toes. I need to get to it...who knows? Might help. Red toes = joy.

I do still put red on my lips. Some of my birthday splurge haul:

One of these things is not like the others...
L'Absolu NOT!

Yeah, I got some red lippies. A couple of Nars glosses, a Lancome L'Absolu Nu lipstick in "Red Chiffon" and a cheapo one--a Revlon "Just Bitten" lipstain with balm from the drugstore-- in "Flame".

I can't wear eye makeup (allergies), so I tend to go nuts with lipstick and blushers. And I love red variations--more than coppers, browns, plums, mauves, pinks, corals, oranges, peaches. I love red! And I look good in red. :D  The Nars run $25 each and the Lancome is $29, so these are PRICEY!!!!!!!!!!!!  I got two of my very fave Nars glossses (Misbehave, Scandal). Because I was made so happy by the Lancome Rouge Absolute that I got for Christmas (I posted a pic back then), I decided to try this somewhat cooler and a lot sheerer red in the new line.

Sucks. Sucks bad. My perfectly smooth, spoiled with care lips began cracking and peeling within hours. Yeah, thanks...$29 bucks for an allergic reaction.

I searched online and saw a few comments from other reviewers that this particular lipstick (line?) caused dryness and reactions. So, I recommend if you even considered this crazy expensive lippie: STAY WAY. Repeat after me, "L'Absolutely NOT!"

Get the Rouge Absolute if you want a great, creamy, beautiful, sexy red. :D

I'm returning it to Sephora. First return EVER to that store. This lipstick sucked.

Oh, and on a note for previous update: I tried on the dress Sunday, but hubby and I were rushing to leave for my party and no pics got taken. But no progress, obviously, and a little retrograde movement, as the zipper went higher than first pic on the initial E2E post, but lower than second pic I took a couple weeks back. Which makes sense as I had gone UP some onTanita-San....

I wish I had taken birthday pics. Sigh. None to share.

The Dress, Not Me..

I had a beautiful, girly, Nine West floral dress that was really loose at size 16 (my challenge dress is a too snug on top Nine West size 14). I got lots of compliments and my BIL said I was looking like a teenager again. (Mad exaggeration, but I think after decades of seeing me hiding in black and navy, seeing me in a bright, bright summer dress with red flats --knees and toe wouldn't let me wear the red heels I'd originally planned--and red beads must have been eye-shocking to him.)

It was an intentional strategy to work on "upping" my mood. I went in a blaze of glory of colors....my lips were so shiny, planes may have been diverted by accident by the startling reflection.

Well, it helped. Never underestimate the power of color. For a while, it was cheering.

So, a long and sort of episodic update. Things are not good. Things will get better.

I don't necessarily plan to update a lot, or visit blogs much--sorry!-- so I wanted to make sure to have my say in this one. I want to spend more time meditating and reading Scripture and praying and looking at the stars and enjoying the explosion of flowers in my garden and just remembering to HOPE and BELIEVE that this, too, shall pass.

Because nothing is worse than giving in to the dark.

Light ....light is where it's at.

Okay, I'm off to have more water and shower and be presentable to get my organic goodies. And if my energy holds out, hubby has offered to take me to a newish local spot for "out of the ordinary" performers to see...

Him:

and them, too.


"Free Jazz". It's an experience and not the general "cuppa tea". But hubby and I did the jazz concert thing a lot in our dating and newlywed days. I have mighty romantic associations with Jaco Pastorius, Chick Correa, Larry Carlton, Gato Barbieri, Jeff Lorber with Kenny G, Paco de Lucia, et al.

If my energy is up for it--it's until 11:30 pm and it is a worknight for my tootsie--it might be something to help with this tide-turning endeavor of mine. Who knows what odd "free" sounds might do to the chemicals and the brain, yes? Vibrations are mighty things..and music is potent stuff.

Okay, peace out. :)

Be well...I'm working on it....

And the quotes for this challenge:

"The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term is the indispensable prerequisite for success." 

~Maxwell Maltz

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

~Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Face the Truth Fridays: Late Posting-- Some Loss, Sick and Sleepless in Miami

697 days, 12 hours, and 92.8 lbs to go...

I'm backposting this so it shows up as Friday. I didn't have my laptop yesterday (hubby had a day-long seminar with presentation and took it) and he got home at 8:30 pm, by which time I was just not feeling like posting.

Weigh-in: 252.8

That's a minimal loss from last Friday's 253.2, and I'm not reaching my weekly goals.

While I had several on-target days this week--ie, at 1700 to 1800 calories-- I had enough above target that loss was only half a pound.

The Truth I'm Facing: I have to stop feeling like because I give some favorite goodies up that this will result in faster loss. I guess I figured that giving up those Sunday bagels and cream cheese and bacon, and giving up the weekly overload of cheese enchiladas or lasagna, or giving up daily chocolate bars, or giving big dinners out on Saturdays, that I should be rewarded by big number losses on the scale.

The reality is that giving those up has stopped the past cycle of 10+ lbs increases a year (some years a lot more depending on stressors, like mom's death throes). And that should be enough.

But emotionally, I feel like I'm giving up such pleasures and delights and I should get rewards that are BIGGER.

I know, that's childish, but that's the emotional aspect. I want to be rewarded MORE for giving up my longstanding indulgences and having my meals on fricken bread plates now.

From luncheon platters the size of medium pizzas to bread plates the size of a compact disc case.

The truth is that there are more sacrifices I need to get used to making for the end result I want, and I need to leave my little-girl emotional trantrums behind.

In other personal news; I"m having trouble breathing and feeling cranky.

Asthma started acting up--feels like a fat dog is napping on my chest today--and I have a family party to go to. Haven't been sleeping well for a couple days, and it shows in several ways--circles under eyes, increase in appetite, bad mood.

I am making a pitstop to pick up salad veggies and fruit to take with me and I'll be taking a protein shake to try and minimize temptation. When my stamina is low and appetite is up, I really don't want to face hot dogs and birthday cake and fatty dips. Ack!

It's always scary when the breathing issues exacerbate cause I feel like I'm back in the dark cave from years ago when it didn't get better--for years!--but I gotta tell myself whatever is in the air will subside and I will get better. The important thing is to not stress, stay calm, or my adrenals will poop out! No, seriously, I don't want the "eat more" stress syndrome.

I hope this weekend finds you in better shape than I am. (If you're breathing freely, offer a bit of thanks for that blessing!)

Have a healthy Saturday!