A Warring Week, Good Meals, Bad Meals, AKA A Divided Will AKA Old Me vs New Me AKA ARGH!

A week that was all over the place. Some excellent choices, then some bad choices, then some great meals, then some bad meals. Reading to get my good-choice frame of mind in consistent gear. Some praying.

But, really, the decisions were mine, and I chose poorly too often to say this was a winning week.

It's interesting how one can be going along, feeling fine, feeling in control, cooking stuff up properly, watching portions, then, bam, that goes to hell with one self-indulgent choice. The streak ends.

I'm fascinated how I undermine that. I know that I've felt worried and fragile a lot. Worrying about bills and the future and such. Dishing out nearly 7K for property insurance and seeing the checkbook dive, well, that sort of made me wanna dive into the nearest bakery or pizza shop. I went to neither, but I WANTED to.

The OLD ME that binged and relied on food for comfort and joy and hardly took 1000 steps a day, she is still alive and warring with NEW ME, that made sound food choices and got her butt into exercising.

It was years and years of study and work to build up a NEW ME. It felt so good. I was hoping the OLD ME might just go off and die on an ice float or something. I intend for new me to win. But old me is very, very strong. VERY. The anxieties and desire for the brain-hit of comfort.

Anyway, this past week saw me RE-ENTER OBESE ZONE. Yes, I crossed that DREAD BOUNDARY of 185. One weigh in was 185.8. Thursday's. By Sunday, the official weigh-in (listed on my sidebar), it wa back to 183.2. That high weight was partially stoked by tamago and asparagus sushi dipped in super-salty tamari. And the miso dressing. But seeing that number scared me.

And the 170s, which I inhabited for a nice spell and even saw the bottom of, well, that seems so far away AGAIN.

I am also royally ticked off at the doc for reducing my Levoxyl. Ever since she did that, weight has crept up, appetite got up, sleep increased, and I have two vexing new bald spots. It just adds insult to injury. I was already struggling with keeping weight down before she did that. This anger, I do not need.

I find that I'm really sodium-sensitive this month, moreso than usual, the fluctuations, and that might be the thyroid status. No idea. But it's kinda weird. I'm normally not a hoarder. When I had a period, I'd easily go up 4 pounds during the days prior to blast-off, but that was a normal monthly thing, and it would be gone after, so you got used to it.

Anyway, the fight is on here. New Me vs Old Me, and it's fierce. This is the crux. THIS IS WHERE RE GAIN hits the road and become monstruous if not caught and managed. I feel it. I feel that this is where the war is lost or won, this sort of situation where the Old Overeater wants back in, tired of exile. Where the New Me is tired of vigilance and is overcome some days with neurotic thoughts and anxiety attacks. Where food looks like a good old friend who just wants to make me FEEL good again.

Which is, pardon my bluntness. bullshit.

Food Desire is only my friend if it follows the rules of friendly behavior.  If it supports me and doesn't become toxic. If it's a positive force, not a destructive one. The Food Desire that wants "in" now wants in to wreak havoc, not do me good. It's not a friend. I gotta kill it.

That's the deal. Old Me let Food Lust be an enabler and a destroyer. A crutch and a deceiver.

New Me wants food as a partner, to grow and be stronger, not weaker.

I've not surrendered. I'm reading lots of articles on regain. I've highlighted and bookmarked pages in Riley's updated version of BEATING OVEREATING to re-tap into my inner choosing mojo. I've reminded hubby not to be the sweet "whatever you want" guy of the past if I ask for him to get me something destructive. I haven't yet sent him on massive food runs full of crap. The Old Me used to do that--pizza and chocolate cake and enough tacos to choke two horses. So, just in case she shows up, I want him to give me the breathing room of a hesitation and question: "Is that what you really want? Isn't that bad for you?" That's all I need, sometimes. Just to have that moment of stopping, re-deciding.

It's part of taking control, asking, "Is this what you really want? Is this what you choose to have? What are the consequences?"

I have a divided will. Sometimes I answer the question as the New Me: "No, this will subvert my plans for good health. I won't fit into my clothes. I'll feel like a social pariah again."

Sometimes, I answer like the old me. "I don't care. It's what I want now. Consequences be damned, I just want that pleasure NOW."

The devil that is the Old Me is out to get me and make me one of the loser statistics.

I've lost too much. For too long. And it has wrecked parts of my potential and years of my life.

Screw you, devil.

Oh, and yes, I prayed, too.

To those who don't have food issues, well, they won't understand how powerful the lure is. Maybe junkies and sex addicts will get it. But folks who go about and don't self-medicate with food or have old bad habits that grab them back into the pit, they don't get it.

You get it, right?

It's hard.

But we do not give up.

No quitting.

Okay, a new day to get it right. I know all I need is a few weeks of really good days and the new habits reinforce and New Me wins again. For a spell.

I guess this fight goes on for life, as I suspected all along. And it's only easy in periods/stages/phases. Then you put on the armor and go on campaign...again. And again. And as many times as it takes.

Til Kingdom come.

I'll post some of the stuff I gather, cause it helps me. Keeps my head in it. Maybe it will help you. Whether it's for scaring or for encouraging or for illuminating. It helps.

Be well..

Ready for Summer Challenge: Finale-- not ready for summer, actually, but hey, I made some progress.

I started this challenge with these stats:

Weight: 182.4
Waist: 35 in.

I ended it with these:

Weight: 179.0
Waist: 34.75

I had wanted to lose a total of FIVE pounds and get to 177.4. I did get to 177.4, but then I ate salty crap right back up to 179.

So, I only officially lost 3.4 lbs. I am happy just to see a lower number than at the start. Wish I could have held on to my goal of 177.4--cause I did make it!--but it's really hard to focus when I'm in this depressive mood.

Been eating lots of salty stuff due to cravings. Olives, pickles, cheese, some ham, some turkey pastrami, some bacon with my eggs.

I'm still frustratingly demotivated. I'm barely moving. I'm not tracking.

But I'm not totally out of it. That's the best I can say. I still have some good habits--fluids, lots of fruits and veggies, trying to get adequate rest, thinking about what to do to reignite. My mind is still partially in it, and thanks to this challenge, I haven't tossed all good habits or desires about my weight into the wind.

I think holding on is valuable, so I won't discount it. In past lesser depressions, I'd easily gain 5, 10, 15+ pounds from stuffing pizza and lasagna and burritos and mac-n-cheese and french fries into my gut to get a food high. I have wanted more starches, but I've had fresh organic corn and steamed rice and baked organic sweet potatoes and gluten-free rice crackers, not Taco Bell and Pizza Hut.

I want to thank Maren for hosting this challenge. You're a lovely person. God bless you and all my fellow challengers. I hope we keep at it, because perseverance pays off.

Be well...

Ready for Summer Update #8: maintained...mildly depressed

Tanita-San: 178.8
Last Week: 178.8

I am suffering a mild depression. It has been coming on slowly, and I can at least be grateful that it's a lesser mood affect than I was used to in the past in my cyclical depressions. The lack of focus, motivation and anxiety have been waxing. And this past week, I pretty much just wanted to lie about like a slug. Just getting up and grooming took focus. Anxiety and worried thoughts were prevalent.

So, yeah, ain't this fun?

I held on some, though, as the numbers show. I maintained.

When I'm depressed, I crave carby comfort foods. And so visions of pizza and lasagna and cake and bread with butter danced in my head. I didn't have any of that. I did allow myself more "safer" carbs--rice, black beans, lentils. I had soup more often, as that's one way to get a comfort food without too many calories or damage. I ate a ton of fruit (which is not necessarily a good thing for folks who have battled I.R/prediabetes, but when sweet cravings hit, it's the safest). I had one day when I caved--a totally spontaneous fit of food berserkness--and had 8 cherries dipped in chocolate. I was on my way home, saw a gourmet fresh-made chocolate shop (I rerouted due to traffic) and bam, parked, bought, took home, split 4 with breakfast and 4 with dinner and felt really stupid and weak.

I only exercised 2 hours this past week, both with my Pilates trainer. And it was tough, as the asthma acted up a bit in allergy season. The rains came and the blooming and pollens with it, I guess. May be part of the mood trigger? Who knows.

Joints are achey (rain, rain).

So, yeah, I'm feeling pretty FLAT.

I'm happy I held on and didn't gain, cause damn, every pizza commercial on tv sent me into wrassling with cravings.

I still feel like doing NOT ONE DAMN THING. The rains (and bloompoof) is keeping me mostly indoors.

I feel like laying in bed all weekend. I didn't shower today (Sunday).

So, this week, pretty much, I'm hanging on. The mood issue will work its way out. I just have to hang on.

(Well, I hope it's a short, minimal episode. These usually do in a matter of weeks or months, and if it's a lower level mood issue, it can pass pretty quickly. Only once lasted 4 years and medications prescribed--though not taken out of fear of side effects--um, well, that was a bad spell post mom's death).

The apathy sucks. I just feel very flat and like I don't give a damn with 80% of me, and 20% is trying like mad in my brain to get me moving and taking in fluid like normal. It takes such effort. Sigh.

It's a not-great time, but I refuse to lose hope. My body has been a trial to me since I was born, and some decades, its defects won. I'm determined not to let these defects keep winning.

Um, again, sorry to be a crap example. No inspiration here today. Just a woman feeling weak and working to keep going when it's not so great in the emo department.

But you see, I haven't given up. :D

I am loathe to set goals. Pretty much not motivated to. BUT...I will: I will not regain. I will not give into candy and carby cravings for junk. I will make the effort to do some movement DAILY: any movement for at least 15 minutes, DAILY. Something!

Maren, apologies for missing the mini-challenge. I guess I'll add it to this week's. :D

Be well in this new week, everyone!

E2E Midweek #2: Not Epic, But a Fail

Scale: 183.0
Cravings--have returned in full force (see previous Vlog, and yes, the cravings are now for SALTY stuff. Geez.)

Exercise: Fine. On target with goals so far.
Fluids: Fine.
Support: Been posting some, and met minimum.

Almost missed this update altogether, but looked at clock and realized, "Holy Cow, it's THURSDAY!" I went into a time zone.

It's NOT going well, and I continue to try to flip my switch back to the good spot. But for now, it's &^%& here.

Very frustrated that cravings are back in force.

Okay. I'm out.

Be well.

"The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term is the indispensable prerequisite for success." 

~~Maxwell Maltz

" For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

~~Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Fight The Fat Remotivation Project Day 1 VLOG

Some Princess Dieter comments and links speaking on the Theories & Complex Factors on the Matter of Becoming Obese and Getting NOT Obese and a Quote ....on a lazy, bloated, wanna-nap day...

Scale is up from salt and added carbs these last 4 days--both of which cause water retention and scale stalls in me, historically. I knoweth of what I speak.

As much as I have enjoyed the added taters, sushi rice (with my veggie sushi), and brown rice (with my grilled chicken and veggies) this past week, and as much as my salt-hungering tongue loved the dips into soy sauce and shakes of the Celtic sea salt, and as much as my fruit-addict self loves summer's bounty of colorful sweet beauties, it's time to get back on program and stop being slackerish on my tracking.

No binges. No massive overages (though I have gone over calories twice this week). It's just me being hungry again from the carbs. I know it. I've doubled my fruit intake. While that may be a heathful food option, raw fruit, it's still too much in the sugars department for my metabolically not-normal body.

So, back to more veggies, fruit moderation (noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, weep, weep) and scaling back on tubers and rice. I won't ever eliminate them, but I got too loose with allowances. Once or twice a week, fine. But almost every day this week, even modest portions not so fine. For me, it's NOT just calories--it's insulin. It's appetite. I felt my appetite growing and my night-time snack urges return. I want them to go away again and regain the Zen Appetite. :D

Yesterday, I walked and did Pilates. 1 hour and 20 minutes of exercise. Felt good. I'm sore.

Lots of interesting discussions out there in LowCarb/Paleo/Primal blogs after the Ancestral Health Symposium (AHS).

I'd recommend this one first: There is no single cause of (or treatment for) obesity

And I recommend this one for the lucid and gracious third reaction  to the Taubes/Guyunet debate by Dr. Paul Jaminet.

For me, recognizing the food-reward research/findings set me on the road to loss. That was pivotal for me. Then Taubes anti-carb pronouncements helped me see my Insulin Resistant status needed a careful eye on starches/sugars. Dr. Jaminets (and others) on toxins/inflammatory foods helped me realize that as a person with a big family history of and personal affliction with auto-immune diseases, I need to consider THAT aspect as well. All three have served me.

But I agree with Healthy Skeptic--it's a very, very complex situation and it requires looking at the variables. Not all situations are equal, because not all bodies function the same.

However, caloric restriction works. We Challengers know it.

And yet, most dieters who lose regain. Or never make goal at all.

How can one keep on a restricted diet for life (if needed), if the appetite is insane or binges are an issue? Even bariatric surgical patients have issues with regain, so how could it not be for those lacking the assist of constricted stomachs or rejiggered intestines?

If wanting or wishing were both = to doing, no one would be fat.

And why don't all people lose at the same rate on the same calories? Not everyone maintains on the same calories, even if they are of the same height and weight. Not everyone is as healthy or energetic or satisfied with their meals or nourished on the same QUANTITY of calories. Bodies differ. Medical status differs. Types of food ingested differ. Fluids processed differ (ask a kidney disease patient about that one.) Carbs tolerance differs --ask an I.R. or diabetic person about that. Tolerances of foods differ--ask a celiac disease or I.B.S. sufferer about that. Fat metabolism differs--some of us absorb and fill up fat cells more efficiently. Some of us release fat from cells LESS efficiently. THere are genetic tests for that. Some folks swell up fast with salt. Some are barely bothered. Some are metabolically more efficient and their bodies ratchet up to burn excess calories. Some just make more fat and don't elevate temperature or activity naturally to compensate.

Variables.

Because I'm genetically a fat-hoarder (if I eat too high fat like some low-carbers, I'm screwed), and auto-immune (I can't have some things that don't seem to bother others), allergic (some food groups are totally out to me, limiting what I can eat), and a hyperconditioned overeater (I do respond to the food-reward combo of fat/starches-sugars/salt, so I have to restrict or avoid trigger hyperpalatable foods or I BINGE). I also have hypothyroidism and that affects metabolism and mood and makes losing weight harder. (Saw what happened to Linda Ronstadt when her thyroid went kaput?) I'm post-menopausal, so I need fewer calories than when younger. Age is also an impediment, though not a solid wall 100 feet high.

Impediments aren't insurmountable, they can just make it harder, make it slower, make it maybe necessary to get MORE professional help.

I'm a genetic, medical, neurotic mess. I need to read and study and work to get over the hurdles to lose weight. For me, every pound is a fight. I'm never gonna be the stellar "Lost 8 pounds a week" type. Oh, no. But I made it out of obesity and just wanna stay outta obesity, even if no one ever nicknames me "Slim." :) It's about health for me. Not Perfect Health (as that has always been beyond me, since birth), but better health.

I've said for nearly a year to assorted friends and relatives who ask that I've lost on both low-fat and lower-carb, but that for me, moderating carbs is an appetite suppressor in a way low-fat never was. But that both break the reward cycle and can help people with that. I still believe this. But I think every person should examine their individual situation and see how many of these variables discussed out there on bariatric matters--toxins, carbs, protein, fat, low fat, low carb, low toxin, hyperpalatability, food-reward, etc--and see which are the predominant factors in YOUR life. Depending you YOUR issues, you may need to tweak how you eat or see a counselor or dietitian or specialist in endocrinology. It's not one diet plan fits all.

I also do believe you must reduce caloric intake (as a nation, we freaking eat too much crap and some of us too much even of the good stuff). But I think that for those of us with crazy big appetites, it's worth looking at appetite suppressing properties in moderating carbs/starches/sugars.

Whatever your individual situation is--and you may be much healthier than me and not saddled with a plethora of genetic wackiness, or you may be WORSE off and feel hopeless--just know that you can learn a lot from the scientists and sociologists and psychologists out there working to see how to solve our problems. But it will come down, as transformations always do, to working your butt off and developing new habits It's hard. But it's not hopeless.

Here are a couple ofs quote from Dr. Jaminet--just two the many I read this afternoon among the blogs chattering after the AHS:

It seems to be easiest to induce obesity with a roughly equal mix of carbs and fat; both low-carb and low-fat diets tend to be less obesogenic. This result is compatible with Stephan’s views because carb and fat together are more rewarding than either alone, and with my views because carb-fat combinations can be highly toxic – for instance, a fructose-PUFA combination is more toxic than either alone; or carbs feed gut pathogens while fats carry their toxins into the body.


...

Due to the diversity of factors which conspire to cause obesity, it is a rather heterogeneous disease. Its unifying character is that some combination of causal factors induces “metabolic damage,” such as leptin resistance, in a variety of organs, including the brain. Metabolic damage can affect both appetite regulation and energy homeostasis.

~~Paul Jaminet, co-author of THE PERFECT HEALTH DIET

Sore. Relieved. Sad. Blessed. Grateful. Bloated. Sis Strategy. Sweet Potatoes?

Sore: MY MUSCLES HURT! My first Pilates training session since the family tragedy. It's been four weeks. I put my all into it. We did the whole body. And though I'm normally only feeling the soreness the night AFTER, I felt it as soon as I moved to get up. Ow. That's great, right?

I love feeling that feeling. Muscles: build away.

Relieved: My sister's pericardial effusion is resolving on the corticosteroid, and so no surgical intervention is planned for now. Her grief is huge and pressing on her, and her 70-year old body is trying hard to stand against it. But I'm relieved no surgery. Thank you, God.

Sad: Just one of those "I woke up missing the gone" days. Also, I've visited some blogs today, and some made me feel sad cause some folks are having hard times with the eating or their health. I know that story too well. I've never had perfect health and still envy those who do or know what that's like. I don't. I won't ever in this body. I gotta wait for the resurrection to have that inkling. If you want to share some of the sadness, read this post. Read it especially if you have blood sugar issues/are at risk for diabetes/are not working on losing the fat and getting healthy. Don't close the barn door too late. And please pray for Deb. She is in a time of seeking...and I wish her only the greatest wisdom and peace as she does.



Blessed:  Even with all the worries on my mind this summer, I can say I'm blessed in many ways and I choose to be grateful for the love and goodness God has allowed into my life. It's the only way to keep any perspective when times are hard--financially, emotionally, dietetically, medically, relationally, etc.

Can you walk? Blessed. Can you see? Blessed. Can you hear? Blessed. Do you have clean running water in your home? Blessed. Shoot, do you HAVE a home? Blessed. Is there healthful food in your home? Blessed. (And if you doubt it's an enormous blessing, think of East Africa's trials right now.  And give--I chose World Vision, as I've sponsored a couple kids in Africa through them for 13 years now.) Does someone love you? Blessed.Blessed. Are you mostly pain-free? Blessed. Can you think, imagine, dream, hope, strive with your own hands, work, sleep, and wake again to a new day of a life in a free land? Blessed.

Bloated: And I'm blessed even when the scale goes up cause of sodium bloat. I had gone about 20 hours without eating, and right in the middle of my walk,  I got hungry. Just got really hungry. I detoured to a local sushi place and in 5 minutes was back walking, with a small takeout bag in my hand. Incentive to walk FASTER to get home. Hah.

Aw, man, that avocado sushi and kappa roll with my first meal of the day were lovely, but the starch and soy sauce bloat, not so much. Glad I exercised hard yesterday--my 55 minute Pilates and 30 minute brisk walk. It was a starchy indulgence.

Sis Strategy: That's my sister's treat method--middle one, not eldest with the heart issue now. If she wants something "off plan", she makes herself walk to get it, eat it, walk back, and burn off the calories. So, if she wants pizza, instead of a bus or drive, she walks to the pizzeria, and figures out how much more exercise she needs to burn it off. Always has done that. And back in her younger days, she was down to a size 6 (old size 6, which is more like a 2 or 4 in today's sizing). And she only got up a bit in weight (she's in the 160s now) in her SIXTIES and with illness keeping her inside more in the heat. But she was always incredibly shapely, lean, and PAID for her treats with movement. I should have learned that system ages ago, huh?

The sushi place was about 15 minutes away, walking. :) I wonder how much I burned off of that rice?

Sweet Potatoes?  Our American kids raise funds for their schools selling candy or crap plastic "made in China" products that don't work or last. Japanese kiddes sell...sweet potatoes? Wow. That's interesting. And they're cute, too, in those yellow hat. Lookee here.  Looks like they even plant and grow those babies themselves. Hm. That in part may explain why their kids aren't ballooning to insane weights and early diabetes in as rapid a pace or rate as ours. I'm sick of seeing kids selling candy bars to raise money, or cookies, or cakes. How about they sell fresh fruit? A bag of no sugar/no salt trail mix? How about they sell baked sweet potatoes? Or have an herb harden they tend (exercise) and sell bundles of basil, dill, chives, oregano, cilantro, etc. :) Oh, right. People will spend it on crap, not fresh, real food, is that the obstacle? Sad. I've not bought Girl Scout cookies for years. I'd happily buy Girl Scout Herbs and Lettuces. :D

Today, count your blessings, pray for those struggling, support those you can, accept support if you need it, eat healthfully, move well, rest deeply, and say thank you for the simple and beautiful and needful and enlightening things in your life.

Be well...

Night Cravings, Water Woes, Spring Festival and SuperMoon: Day 42 of Phase 5

I have happy plans for the day. It will make managing water trickier (cause I hate "pee urgency" when I'm out and about and in places where it's gonna be restaurants or port-a-potties, ugh).

Yesterday was the first time I got "night munchies" in ages. I know exactly why, too. Salty lunch with some starch. I ormally reserve whatever starch I'm gonna have to dinner, then I'm asleep if I get the munchies, so who cares. Starch at lunch: problemo. I will not be repeating that today.

Last night, I just wanted this, wanted that. It was bad. Not as out of control as I used to be, but a little taste of the insanity that got me to 300 lbs. So, today, the leash is back on the starches and on ME.

Breakfast: egg whites and papaya with lime.

Lunch: a salad and whatever lean protein I can find at the Japanese Spring Festival (Hatsume).

Dinner: leftovers at home, unless we stay later at the beach to see the supermoon...then prolly a Greek salad at the Turkish place or...dunno. Will cross that bridge..when the bridge is there to be crossed.

Water is my concern. Must have it, gotta see how to keep my bladder in check.

So, wishing you a great Sunday and one without cravings, cause they suck.

I leave you with a blurryish camera pick of me under the Supermoon last night in my new hoodie (cheapo WalMart one, as I refuse to pay a lot for clothes in the losing stage. I've run through so many I only wore a couple times I got tired of it.) I have about 3 workable outfits at the moment. HAHAHAHAH. And one dress for "just in case". This is one--Danskin bootcut pants, long sleeved top, short-sleeved hoodie.  The pic is right before the munchies hit. I don't look demon-possessed, right? Right? ; )

Me and the SuperMoon

Later...

Why that Off Plan Treat May Be a Bad, Bad, Bad Idea....And My Surrender to Salt's Insidious side...as the Intervention Begins ...plus quote from THE END OF OVEREATING

I'm grappling right now with some renewed cravings. Nothing like it was before the challenges. Nothing like it was before my epiphany in the summer of 2010. NOTHING like that.

These are insidious little ones, not big bingey ones.

I really think that the salt cravings that are usually (consistently, inevitably) followed by or preceded by a sweet craving,  is a function of the "extra" snack treats I allowed myself on the long weekend (hubby was off Monday, we went on a day of museum and beachy fun).

It's not that calorically I went off the rails. Not at all.

It was a psychological switch, a trip into a different set of rails. Ones that are not quiescent and conducive to a quiet "food mind".

Let me put it this way: Simple sugars and salt are two parts of the triumvirate that --as studies have shown, not as windbags or brain-dead blatherers would suggest, no, as scientists would posit--sends the overeating-prone, the binge-prone into a bad, bad cycle.

You wanna see proof: visit the excellent Escape from Obesity blog and see what happens when Lyn lets sugars back in her life. Seriously, skim the last years of that blog to see what it does to this sensitive, smart, loving, likable gal who has amazing willpower when SUGARS ARE ABSENT. And her willpower goes shot to hell when sugar/carby treats come back into it. It's an amazing bit of a case study to read that blog. Every obese overeater should. Every binge eater should. Not because you need to follow her formula, but because it becomes readily apparent what calms her appetite and what turns it on to high.

For me, sugar has become less of an issue, because our society has quite tasty sugar-free options that can make me feel like I've had a sweet treat without the simple sugars. But I have not found a suitable substitute for salt. I've tried the fake salt. Eh.

The problem is that salt has an effect on me that is kinda like the effect sugar would have, only subtler. If I eat a lot of simpler carbs, I get really hungry. REALLY HUNGRY. And I bloat.

If I eat a lot of salt, I get a little hungry...it's an annoying buzzer of an insect at first, so it's easy to keep adding more sodium into my diet without having the immediate nutsiness of what happens when I have sugars. It's insidious. Then, it hits: The urge for sugar. The urge for all sorts of sweet things. But it's the SALT that was the pathway drug, if you will, that made me want the sugars.

Oh, and I still bloat and my blood pressure goes up.

The missing component of that triumvirate--fat--is easier to avoid, since on a 1200 calorie diet, you tend to go to the lower fat options, so that's what is in the house--veggies, fruits, eggs and egg whites, lean meats. BUT...salt is omnipresent. It's in low cal canned soups. Its' in snacks like string cheese or hummus. It's in just about anything processed--breads, condiments, marinara sauce, spice mixes (like the Montreal Seasoning on the original challenge packet).

If you put a teaspoon of salt and a teaspoon of sugar and said, 'Which do you want to put in your meal"...I would hit the salt.

And then the salt would lead me to want the sugar.

When I follow my plan--and I'm perfect--my appetite is calm. It's calm cause I'm sticking to lower sodium, no-to-low sugar options, lots of veggies and protein, lower fat. It cuts down (or some days altogether OUT) the simplest sugars, cuts down on sodium, and cuts down on fat. The tripod is crippled. I am not hungry. I don't binge.

For some reason, the demon salt is the hardest part of the tripod for me. I thought it would be fat, I swear. I was wrong. It's easier for me to cut fat, to nearly eliminate the simplest sugars (sucrose, HFCS, simplest starches), to minimize the starches (even complex), but the salt, the salt...my tongue wants it bad.

Anyway, I got out my recently neglected Kindle--I prefer my NookColor, but I have books already loaded to the Kindle and I ain't rebuying them, hah--and am rereading the treatment/rehab section of THE END OF OVEREATING, which has been the single most helpful book to curb my bingeing. I have not binged once since I read it last year.

I figure I gotta remind myself of the steps I took to heal my appetite/binge tendencies. I need to remind myself that it's not just sugar or fat. I gotta beat the hell outta the salt addiction, or my appetite will return and I will want to binge again.

I refuse. I f***ing refuse to go back to that. I am NOT going there.

I am not shooting my progress in the foot for a chemical fix. NaCl is not gonna beat my ass.

I'm a junkie, and this is war.

Quote from the book:

Effective intervention draws us away from the conditioning power of a stimulus before it triggers its usual response. It reminds us that its possible to say no. Intervention begins with the knowledge that we have a moment of choice--but only a moment--to recognize what is about to happen and do something else instead....

The refusal must come early and it must be definitive.

"It's only at the very beginning, when the invitation arises, that you have any control over it."

I have to remind myself of that. If I let it creep, creep, creep, I have given up the moment of choice--the definitive tactic.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No...

Practicing. :)

And this is why sometimes you see me cautioning fellow fatfighters who are about to allow themselves a trigger food (say, chocolate or a cupcake or pizza) to gauge how they feel the week or two after allowing this into their life. If there is no upset, no change in diet success, then maybe it's not a trigger anymore. But if suddenly they're having more treats, trouble sticking to plan, adding a bit more here and there, a scale going the wrong way--then that release of control, that "Yes", may be the cause. It restimulated the brain. It reactivated in full force those habit pathways in the brain.

It put the overeating response center stage. It woke up the beast.

That cup of caramel corn may only be 250 calories and you may budget for it. But did you budget for the cascade of effects it may have on every other meal after that for a week or a month or a year?

It's not benign for some of us. For conditioned hypereaters, that trigger treat may not calorically put us over. It may put us over in a far worse way. It may reactivate appetite, destroy calm, and shatter a good run of weeks or months of self-control. And once it's shattered and we say, "Ah, what's the use," we spiral deeper down.

That order of sweet and spicy wings (sugar, fat, salt) may send you careening off the diet highway.

That cupcake might be your Wellington and the bakery your Waterloo.

It's worth considering.

Just monitor yourself. Some folks actually CAN handle treats.They don't go off the deep end. But if you have been or are morbidly obese and keep getting derailed, carefully study what you are eating that is derailing you. Study the meals on days your appetite stayed calm. Look at the meals/snacks when you suddenly felt more hungry and went off plan. Study carefully the meals the day or day before you went on a binge.

Sugar. Salt. Fat. Together---they will make some of us turn into crazed rats overfeeding, overfeeding, overfeeding....

Allan gets grief from people who say he's dictator-strict about not having cheat foods. Well, he's actually on to something. Conditioned hypereaters are/may be in danger every time they do use a favored cheat food.  How will it affect the brain? Will it send signals for more, so the pleasure response is activated again and again.

There's a reason we feel totally out of control when a binge is on in full force. WE ARE. We have our brain as our own enemy, telling us to keep eating, yes, more of that. And it's not telling us to eat broccoli or an orange. It's telling us to eat more ice cream, Doritos, cookies, pizza, meatball subs, Buffalo wings, blooming onions, cheeseburgers, fries, shakes,cheesey crackers, cookie dough....

Crazed response, conditioned hypereaters.

I'm one of them. But I have tools now.

I have shuriken and swords. It's up to me to learn to use them well or lose the fight.

Okay, off to read more and work on my self-intervention....

Face the Truth Friday/Day 25 Son of DDDY Challenge: Getting really close to next "decade" and hips give up another 1/2 inch, craving potatoes and that hunger thing...plus food and water log

240.6 on Tanita-san's happy face...

Yesterday was 241.2, so that's 3/5ths of a pound. I figured once I released water it would look better. I did eat salty stuff yesterday, but I drank two glasses of coconut water, and that always helps. I used to drink it daily, but due to the calories and carbs, I had cut back. I may re-incorporate, especially when I hit the salty soups (I had a Dr. McDougall spring onion with rice noodles soup yesterday, vegan, low cal, high salt.)

It's 1.4 pounds lost since last Friday. This seems to be consistent with my caloric intake. I'm not a mega-loser. I've had several days well under the "maintenance" level and no days over. It's a rate I'm okay with. Allan would glare at me, but there it is. I had initiated this blog expecting a 1 lb per week loss. 1 and a half (almost) exceeds original goal. Continuing at such a rate would get me to goal sooner than 2 years. But I gave myself two years. If I make it in 1.5 or, shoot, 1, I'd be thrilled.

TRUTH I AM FACING: Measured waist and hips. Waist doesn't wanna cooperate. Hips down 1/2 inch. Old New Flash: I'm still an apple.  (Note: I have no idea if my tape measure is accurate. I have three of them and they all give a different number. So, I just use the one I've used the longest, cause that's really weird.) No matter how slim I get, I'm always gonna carry in the middle. I suspect if I ever got really thin--not gonna happen, but theorizing--I'd be like a spider. Roundy torso and hair-thin appendages. Not a pretty image.

I had a craving for potatoes yesterday. I don't get these potato-cravings often, and I had rarely eaten potatoes this year due to having done lower-carb, but man, it was hours of my mouth wanting potatoes so I caved. I had some organic potatoes from the co-op last week that I hadn't touched, so I scrubbed and boiled me up a bunch. Hubby had his with butter and turkey and carrots.. I had mine with EVOO and spinach and mushrooms with eggs for protein. Very, very satisfying. Very delicious. Just what I wanted.

TRUTH I AM FACING: I did notice I was hungrier--like 2 hours--afterwards. So that glycemic index thing, yeah, I guess it operates on me and my insulin resistant body. They tasted great but did send me into hunger zone pretty fast. I won't cross potatoes or noodles or any carb right out of my diet, but I can't have potatoes daily if they make me this peckish afterwards. I really wanted to stuff my face.

I kept my calories just under 1400, but man, I felt hungry yesterday. Drank loads of water and coconut water and coffee and soup (for more fluids).

Lovely weather in Miami. It's cool. Yay, it's cool. No sweating when one goes outside. One can wear a sweater. Hurray!

Food Log:

BREAKFAST:

4 Vietnamese rolls with chili sauce and almost 1 tbsp of peanut butter (I like to smear the roll pieces with PB, mmmmmmm)
3 skewers of Satay Chicken with 2 teaspoons of peanut sauce (I love the stuff but it's killer calorically)
2.5 cups coffee
8 glasses of water (4 before, 4 after)

LUNCH:
Pad Thai and 2 cups Watermelon chunks
2 cups decaf
8 glasses water
supplements

No Dinner, No snacks

Total Calories: 1117
Total Fluids: 164 oz

Day 23 Son of DDDY Challenge: Where I salted my way up 1.2 pounds and where I wonder why it's so hard for me to heat high carb/low fat...food and water log, too!

242.4

Up 1.2 pounds.

If you see what I ate last night, I stayed well under challenge calories, drank my accelerated rate of water (and then some), but I ate salty stuff. Dinner was essentially a 'snack' sort of meal: salty protein snack mix, sugar free chocolate almonds, and a pear. (I was wanting salty and sweet, notice the bag of lower-sugar hybrid cookies with breakfast, where I had shredded parmesan on my salad and I salted the tomato like nobody's business.)

I often wonder why I have such salt-craving days. I no longer have a menses, so it's not PMS related. I just want salt some days, want it bad and often want to counterpoint it with something sweet (fruit, snack treats, chocolate).

Okay, so I better make sure I get some potassium in today to get the bloat down.

I'm also finding it really hard to up my carbs. I've made some gains in reducing fat--using PAM spray more, using less EVOO and Smart Balance, etc--but I still have this mental block about upping the carbs to put that DNA result to the test. I have a REALLY hard time being 65/20/15 in the carbs/fat/protein ratio.  I slipped back into ZONE-like eating yesterday, although I gave it the good ole try by having a full cup of rice instead of half a cup or even 1/4 cup as I have had in the past. I ordered some Dr. McDougall's vegan soups (black bean; spring onion noodle) to have something low-fat/carby to nosh on that's quick and has no weirdo ingredients.

FOOD/WATER LOG:

Breakfast:
2 slices Ezekiel bread with 2 eggs and 1 slice 2% cheese
1 cup papaya with lime juice
2 cups coffee
8 glasses water

calories: 421
fluids:  80 oz

Lunch:
Shredded chicken wrapped in iceberg lettuce leaves with
1/4 cup mozzarella, 1 tbsp lite cream cheese, 1/8 cup corn niblets
1/4 cup BBQ sauce and 1/2 cup baked beans
1 thick tomato slice with 1 cup mixed baby lettuces with 1 tbsp blue cheese crumbles
1 tbsp balsamic vinaigrette
2 cups coffee
8 glasses water

calories: 540
fluids: 80 oz

DINNER:
rotini pasta with mushrooms, broccoli and mozzarella
assorted supplements
BariWise protein bar
2 cups decaf
2 glasses water

calories: 588
fluids: 32 oz

TOTAL CALORIES: 1549
TOTAL FLUIDS: 192 oz

Day 12 Son of DDDY Challenge: Where breathing issues persist, where I'm 1/5th of a pound down, and where I refuse to self-comfort with food...

244.8


Yes. Another 1/5th of a pound down.

Tomorrow I'll post about the results of my DNA test--the one I posted about a couple weeks ago, the one to detect what would be my optimal diet.

Today, I woke up late, but then I went to bed late...er, early. Almost 7 am. Breathing issues kept me up. When I finally conked out, it was a blessing. I did have an extra snack cause staying up so long left me hungry in the wee hours. I kept it modest and didn't go over my calories. Been drinking a ton of decaf--gourmet from Paradise Roasters early, easy to mix VIA instant (no sugar, Italian roast) late at night when I don't wanna make a pot. I prefer regular coffee, but in the last couple weeks, been trying to do more decaf so it doesn't mess with my sleep.

I've done fine not giving in to crazed comfort food cravings. They're hitting hard on and off, but so far, so good. I just keep reminding myself that I have far too many pounds to lose before I sleep (and Carb Tripper put that metaphor in my head).

Food log:

BREAKFAST: Ate it at 5pm, so ate with hubby and had non-breakfasty food
6 oz grilled chickens trips in herbs and olive oil
grilled veggies, brushed with EVOO
1/2 cup rice, basmati
2 cups salad with 1 tbsp Italian dressing
3 cups regular coffee (24 oz fluid)
10 cups water (6 before eating, 2 while, 2 in the hour or so after)

calories: 800
fluids: 104 oz

LUNCH: More like BKFST, as I reversed meals
3/4 cup AllWhites egg whites
2 Kraft 2% singles
1/2 cup mushrooms and 1/4 cup onions
WS hot cakes with sugar-free syrup and 2 oz applesauce
1 tbsp Smart Balance (to grease pans)
3 cups decaf with sucralose
6 glasses water

calories: 469
fluids: 72 oz

Calories so far: 1269
Fluids so far:  176 oz

This may be it , depending on when I manage to hit the sack.

Face the Truth Friday: 54 pounds down, waiting for those DNA results, still wheezy, still motivated, but more cravings this week...and begging the Young and the Fat to face their truths ASAP!

245.0

That's 54 pounds down from my highest (without clothes, at home) back in 2004. My highest at my primary care doc's office was 303, with shoes, clothes, some water intake. So, I think my scale at home was pretty accurate.

I weighed 267 on the first day of January of this year, so 22 lbs lost so far this year. My best year's lost since, well, years. 

The truth I'm facing: It finally feels like it's my time to do this weight loss thing. I know, all dieters have done this over and over and over, especially if you've been overweight since your twenties and are now looking at AARP age just ahead. But I've never felt calmer and less fumbling and uneasy eating less. I've never felt less binge-prone.

That's not to say it's easy. When craving hit--and they have this week--it's a battle. The battle is shorter than in times past. I am succeeding more in saying no to myself than in times past. But it's still a hard thing. I am a bit worried about the bounty of Thanksgiving dinner, but I just say to myself, I'll cope. I'll manage. I'll get it done. And it doesn't feel like some big fat lie. I feel as if it's possible. :)

What cravings? Chocolate. Last night I wanted it bad, and no, I didn't want high protein chocolate shakes or puddings. I wanted chocolate. So, I had a few sugar-free chocolate covered almonds (don't affect blood sugar to set up more cravings, and I saw more than one comment from those in ketosis--which I'm not--who ate these and stayed in ketosis). It was hard to stop at half a serving (and as you may guess, a serving of anything with nuts is miniscule), but I did. Earlier in the week I was having crazy pizza cravings. I got the stuff to make it at home, but the craving passed (for now).  I also get frequent cravings for salty chips and salsa. Sometmes, I can cure that with a high protein salty snack. Sometimes, I just have to wait it out. 

And I keep noticing that on my SparkPeople Nutrition tracker, I show greater losses on the morning after days when I eat high-fat, lower carb, normal protein. I don't know if that's a function of water loss from the lower carb (and I notice this even if my salt intake is higher and calorie level is unchanged from the norm on this challenge) or that my body handles that combination better due to Metabolic Syndrome (I have a book by an endocrinologist I got in the 90's when I was diagnosed with Syndrome X, now called Metabolic Syndrome, that recommends a higher fat diet). 

I am still waiting for the results of my DNA test for optimal 'diet type' for my body. Another week or two, I guess. I am eager to see how it jives with what I'm seeing (ie, I do better on lower carb, higher fat, middling to higher protein).

I will say to those younger fatties out there: Get it done. Read the books. Drink the water. Follow the blogs. See a cognitive therapist. Join a group. Write a journal. Start a blog. Sign up with a trainer. Do whatever it takes to get it off while you are young and your flesh is elastic and you can develop good eating habits for life. Do it NOW. If you procrastinate like I have, you will regret it. I promise you: YOU WILL REGRET IT.

Your metabolism when you're young, your energy, your joint health...all that helps. If you let yourself stay fat you will damage a lot of stuff and that damage will not go away: skin will not return to snugness, knees will not regenerate, arteries may or may not unclog, liver may or may not heal.

Do it now. Face that truth today. However you must do it, do it aggressively before you hit middle age or old age. It only gets HARDER with age and entrenched habits.  Save your own life.

Worried About Weigh-In....meh

Yeah, so I went over my calories by close to 500 cals. No excuse other than I was lazy and indulgent. And I haven't broken the salt addiction. I just seem to want really salty stuff this week. Olives. Pickled peppers. Cheddar cheese. Salty eggs. Salty miso.

I think the salt and overage in calories is gonna doom tomorrow's weigh-in.

Unlike times past when I would just skip a weigh-in that might be unfavorable, I'm getting on the scale, be the news bad, very bad, or horribly bad.

Accountability is part of the purpose of this goal-oriented bloggy journal and journey. If I do poorly, that needs documenting. It needs to be right here, goading me towards better planning and change.

So, stay tuned for tomorrow's scale-y result.

And I hope your week has been more disciplined and on-target than mine.

Happy Thursday, what's left of it. Off to enjoy the cutiepie on The Mentalist! A hottie can take one's mind off food. Yes?