Sad things, bad things...and maybe I need to blog here again before my milestones get crushed to dust...and a Hurricane Sandy relief fundraiser for those of you who write fiction...

I got on the scale today and saw: 180 lbs.

I kid you not. I freaked a bit. Just a bit. Got off the scale, and went. OK....back to basics.

I have an appointment with the trainer (Pilates) on MOnday. I will consult with her on how to have a more affordable workout plan at the studio (meaning classes, which ones, when, etc). I'll be back to walking, since sitting and writing burns like zip calories.

I'm back to my organic coop. Picked up my first share and ready to eat fruits and veggies in abundance.

You know, I hit a low of 169.8 when I lost my appetite after hubby lost his job. That was early July. And then, it crept up. I got lazy. Things got in my diet that hadn't been in it for a while, such as sugar. Not huge quantities at first, just a taste here and there of, oh, chocolate marzipan.

And this is how the fat comes back, my dears. This is exactly how.

A scosh over 10 pounds higher in four months. Bit by bit. Creep by creep. A pound this week, a pound next week. No binges. Not a single binge. Just an extra serving here, and not measuring there, and sitting on my butt on the couch instead of moving and breathing hard and sweating.

So, I'm FIVE pounds away from being obese again FIVE. You know how easy that would be? Oh, snap. I could blink and it's here. Losing five pounds is hard, hard work. Gaining it just requires you do...nothing.

Okay, so 180 lbs today. A slap in the face. A reproach from the scale. A reality check. A failure.

I became a lazy ass again. I got lax.

But you know what can happen today? You do what's needful. You get back to what was done before. I did it for two years (the eating control) and I did it for 4 years (the exercising). So, I do it again. And again.

You start again. From right here. :)

I'm sad today, and I wept, and it wasn't because of my weight. I got over the freak and am fine about that. I know what to do, just have to stop being slothful.

What made me weep is that  a friend died. His wife is now a widow. His daughters are now fatherless. He had a congenital condition that no doubt contributed to the coma and eventual death--though doctors remain mystified. But he was younger than I am, one year younger. Because I am a person of a particular faith, I believe we will be hanging out together again one day, but his family's loss just makes me so, so sad.  And then it reminded me of my nephew, and his being gone, and well. It's been a weepy day.

Then I visit a couple of blogs, blogging and dieting pals from when I began this blog , and one is dealing with severe medical issues and severe regain. Another is having a personal life upheaval, and severe regain. One has lost worldly possessions, and is probably regaining. One has a hubby with cancer, with a slight regain.

But in all these cases, the regain is the least of it, right? It's peanuts compared to the rest. Because, really, when it's about serious health issues or serious relationship problems or major disaster upheavals or ...DEATH...weight pales in comparison. It hurts and it sickens and it frustrates, but it's far worse to lose the ones we love, whether we lose them (or being with them) due to grave illness, mental issues, divorce, or whatever.

Weight matters. But other things matter more.

This is putting things in perspective. I'm not down and weepy today because I regained. I'm down because a good guy is gone from this place and his family is heartbroken and irrevocably changed. Someone who worked hard to be healthy to overcome what could not be intrinsically fixed. But he's still gone early.

To Beth. Keep the hope, hold on. To Karen: keep the faith, hold on, believe in miracles. To Big A: I know you'll be fine, cause you're one tough mother,  but don't let the stress make you lose what you gained with so much hard work.  You have the most precious things safe, the rest will come back. Jo: what can I say? Be strong for yourself and for him, and believe.

I hope y'all praying folks out there will keep these bloggy pals in mind.

I have no excuse, see? These folks have serious things going on right now, not I.My time came before-- job losses, disaster damages (of a MUCH MUCH slighter sort than A's major smack from nature), health crises, and the worst, deaths-- and my time will come again, cause that's life. Shit happens. Then sunshine. Shit happens again, then sunshine. Repeat, repeat. Die.

Yes, I have things intrinsically defective about me, but all I have to do is look back on this blog to when I was doing the needful things. The things I need to do again. I HAVE NO EXCUSE.

Nearly two years ago on this blog, when I was 53 or so pounds heavier than I am now,  I wrote that the reason I needed to do it--lose weight, get healthier-- was because "' time is running out."

Guess what, I have even less time than when I first put this  image on my blog:

Time moves on, even if we sit still and get nothing done about what we want related to, well,whatever--fat, fitness, work goals, personal relationship goals, spiritual goals.

Whatever it is you and I want to change, we only have RIGHT NOW. You have no guarantees, neither do I, that we have the next hour or next day or next year. A hurricane can hit a big city and take away a home, a car, a loved one. A plague. A cancer. A car accident. Anything can happen. This moment right now is all you know you have.

Wanna do something in your life? I know I want to, and I'm a procrastinater by nature. If it's tough, I wanna do it...later.

You better do it now.

Me, too.

And I guess I better get back to my weigh-ins and accountability. I want this happy weight "after" to stay happy. :D

Be well, my dears. And if you have a moment, pray grace and comfort over the Dorta family.

ADDENDUM:  This is for those of you who are writing novels and might desire feedback from established/published authors (these are CBA authors, Christian fiction). There is a fundraiser underway. Get a published author to critique first 50 pages of your work. You'll have to bid. Here is the information.  All proceeds go to Hurricane Sandy relief via Samaritan's Purse (I remember they did really good aid work after H. Rita). My church has gathered money and supplies and sent folks up north to help out, including folks to do manual labor. We're one nation, so yeah, we should help out, right?

Ready for Summer Challenge: Finale-- not ready for summer, actually, but hey, I made some progress.

I started this challenge with these stats:

Weight: 182.4
Waist: 35 in.

I ended it with these:

Weight: 179.0
Waist: 34.75

I had wanted to lose a total of FIVE pounds and get to 177.4. I did get to 177.4, but then I ate salty crap right back up to 179.

So, I only officially lost 3.4 lbs. I am happy just to see a lower number than at the start. Wish I could have held on to my goal of 177.4--cause I did make it!--but it's really hard to focus when I'm in this depressive mood.

Been eating lots of salty stuff due to cravings. Olives, pickles, cheese, some ham, some turkey pastrami, some bacon with my eggs.

I'm still frustratingly demotivated. I'm barely moving. I'm not tracking.

But I'm not totally out of it. That's the best I can say. I still have some good habits--fluids, lots of fruits and veggies, trying to get adequate rest, thinking about what to do to reignite. My mind is still partially in it, and thanks to this challenge, I haven't tossed all good habits or desires about my weight into the wind.

I think holding on is valuable, so I won't discount it. In past lesser depressions, I'd easily gain 5, 10, 15+ pounds from stuffing pizza and lasagna and burritos and mac-n-cheese and french fries into my gut to get a food high. I have wanted more starches, but I've had fresh organic corn and steamed rice and baked organic sweet potatoes and gluten-free rice crackers, not Taco Bell and Pizza Hut.

I want to thank Maren for hosting this challenge. You're a lovely person. God bless you and all my fellow challengers. I hope we keep at it, because perseverance pays off.

Be well...

Ready for Summer Challenge Update #6: A mostly FAIL week...

Tanita-san: 179.8
Last week: 178.8

Up a pound.

And I am in this weird sort of floaty, unfocused, demotivated mindset. I didn't do a single cardio workout. I did my 2x trainer workouts (but I know if I hadn't had these appointments, I'd likely have done squat.)

I've been spending a lot of introspection time and a lot of time decluttering (which made my allergies surge up due to dusts). I threw out 5 bags of assorted old papers, magazines, expired hygiene items, threadbare washtowels, clothes (unwearable).

It's like as one project is moving on, my brain can't focus on keeping me diet and exercise motivated completely. I ate out more (salty, fattier than at home), and that is reflected in the gain. Well, plus NOT moving as much.

I have nothing really helpful to offer except that when we don't put the effort in, the results suck.

Also, I'm about ready to call in the maintenance phase. I'm tired this week, so tired, of looking at this out-of-reach number month after month and not getting there. I'm not willing to live on any significant change in calories. I'm not willing to ratchet up the exercise (although I need to go back to my steady level, and that will take effort right now). I need maybe to say, "Okay, accept that this is where you'll be."

I'm THIS close to just saying that. Really.

But I worry it's the demotivated me talking, not the rational me.

This week: I'm setting minimal goals. JUST DO NOT GAIN MORE and find a way out of the blahs.

I wish I were peppier and more encouraging, but right now, I'm stuck in a rut in the road and don't feel the energy to jump out of it.

But I'm not quitting. And I will find the wherewithal to move again...

God bless. Be well...

E2E Challenge Update #12: Same Today as September 17 of Last Year...And Thoughts When the Journey Hits The Rough Spot...

Tanita-San: 182.2 (only .2 down from last week)

Waist: 35 (unchanged from last week)

That's the weight I was on the weigh-in of 9/17/12.

:::roll eyes:::

"The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term is the indispensable prerequisite for success." 

~~Maxwell Maltz

" For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

~~Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

I am clearly NOT delaying gratification. The calories have crept up, though I did rein things in some and it was a week of maintain (minor, mini, not relevant loss).  Hunger is way up, and as a result, I've let more starch and sugars (not SUGAR, but sugars as in fruit) creep in.

So, unless I was too late and Maren will let me know, I added my linkies to the Ready for Summer Challenge. I figure that's two challenges for the next couple weeks--mine and Maren's--to help me focus better. My goals are modest, but doable, so I don't set myself up for crazy expectations while my thyroid is being attended to.

I spazzed on meditating--consistency is just not being my virtue this week--but it's on my agenda to make it a daily thing...stretching and meditation will need to be part of my daily "I'm up and need to get ready for the day" things. I need my mind in a solid place.

I was not great with the book. I did minimal plus support. I was great with fluids, but high with calories (1700 to 1800). I met my exercise minimum goals, which is what probably helped me NOT gain.

This challenge is over in two weeks. The Ready for Summer is for 10 weeks. During this time, I want to really get my mojo back because September 3 is closing in and my desire remains to see 160 lbs on that day. God help me. God help us all as we fight the fight.

And sometimes, a fight it is. When it's really hard (for me the start and then now), it's hard and it requires prioritizing and energy and, really, it's like tackling any major thing--you work at it a lot. When it's easier, it's golden. The habits set in and the body cooperates. Then you find the rough patches. What do you do in the rough patches?

Sometimes, you dehabituate, and I see it starting to happen. I let a bit more starch in. I eat larger servings. I want to put off walking cause I ache. I start to be less automatic with the fluid. 

And that's when you have to rehabituate. I have to remember WHAT I DID and WHY I DID IT when I began and got to the easier place. The actions that led to good habits. I can't get out of good habits and get back into really bad habits.

I have not had junk food. I have not sucked up a bag of candy or chips. I did not have cake at my sister's birthday party. I said no to the pie. I kept away from gluten. I took my own beverages and sugar free choco for a treat.

But I got lazy with portions, with tracking, with the sorts of affirmations that kept me going when it was hard at first.

I must go back to the beginning. When it gets hard: go back to the good habits and thoughts and rituals that made it possible to get into the breezy zone. 

It's the rough patch the proves anyone's mettle. If I am to be one of the 5% (or whatever percent) that succeeds, this rough patch must NOT overcome me. I must overcome it. 

I plan to overcome.

Be well...

Fight The Fat Remotivation Project Day 1 VLOG

E2E Update #11: &^%$**~!!@ ...and yes, that means REGAIN, and this is the week where I put into action WILLPOWER INSTINCT exercises...okay, the VLOG update finally got YouTubed...here ya go!

After using this spot as a linky placeholder and trying umpteen times to get this VLOG uploaded to YouTube, here it is.

Weight: 182.4
Waist: 35
fluids fine
Exer: Pilates x2, walking x2 (goals not met)
Sleep: variable  Mood: very good, but some lazy days
Support: minimum met. Kept up with some of buddy's blogs.
Book: reading it, starting one of the "I won't" challenges this week and beginning the 5-minute meditation recommended THIS coming week to work the "self control" muscle.

And on we go....happy and healthful new week to all!

"The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term is the indispensable prerequisite for success." 

~~Maxwell Maltz

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~~Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

E2E Update #10: And things still suck...so let's call this "recommitment week"

Tanita-san: 181.8
Waist: 34.75

Up from last Sunday, down from a higher number midweek, and, sadly, the trajectory just seems to be up lately. I'm being childish about calories (eating around 1900). I seem to just not have the drive to be as controlled as I need to be.

I crashed yesterday after several not good or not enough sleep days in the week. 19 hours straight. Woke up around 4pm today.

No reading the last two days. No exercise since Thursday. Just not in the groove at all.

I always wondered what I'd do when this turn of events came. It always does. I've been reading weight loss blogs for 5 years, so I know that nearly all great losing streaks hit a big wall or big ditch or big something else and the mojo goes away and the weight starts creeping up with the calories and lack of movement. Of course, I have to have a strategy, but I have felt so lacking in focus and desire, that strategy itself is hard to sit down and work out. So, I told myself when I dragged myself out of bed, all sweaty (I'm having some night sweats again, which is part of the sleeping crappy part), that Monday will be strategy day: I'll sit with my books, notes, blog, go back over things, and just try to make this fire blaze again.

But while I have no desire to binge (yet, thank God), I also have no desire to eat tiny, controlled meals. I'm still hit with that, "Can I just not do this today?" mode.

And I know, intellectually, it has to be done. Every day. Today is every day. Or obesity beckons.

My regain is still small. Still in "maintenance" level range of regain. But it's a danger sign. I've seen too many fellow bloggers regain 20 and 30 and 50 pounds before snapping out of it. I want to snap out of it before I'm obese again.

So, that will be my ONLY focAL goal this week. Get my head back in the good place to do the things that need to be done. This has to be recommitment week. I suspect this is one of those do-or-die moments all dieters face. Do it...or it will be a huge slide back.

The others goals, of course, for the week wouldn't change. But if I can't find the fire, I won't meet them or come close. Not a chance. It starts inside. It's best to fight this with the small regain than the big one.

It sucks. The times when the will is stronger are so much better. But, this is life. You come the wall and find a way to get the strength to go over it...

We all face those at times, and we must choose NOT to go back to old ways and lose all the good that has been gained. I will not be one of those bloggers who sees regain, gets discouraged, stops blogging, stops trying, disappears from sight.

I fight on, and it's always a fight against something IN ME.

I hope YOU are on fire and doing well. Get as strong as you can, cause YOUR wall will come...and you will have to scale it or ...well, you know the end of THAT story.

I'm going for the happy ending!

This past week:

Minimal reading.
Fluids fine.
Exercise: long walking x2, Pilatsx1, dancing x1, short walk x1
Calories: 1900 average daily
Mood: fluctuating, but mostly okay
Sleep: crappy
Support: I exceeded the minimum. I visited buddy's blogs for nearly all posts and commented. She's getting slim!

"The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term is the indispensable prerequisite for success." 

~~Maxwell Maltz

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~~Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

E2E Challenge Update #8: The UPs and Downs of Birthday Week....but there is light...

Note: Placeholding for update as I'm rushing. We have to drive about an hour north to meet up with some friends of my hubby's family at a super-posh resort, and I'm stressing about hair, nails, dress, knees, pain, etc. I'm so not a posh person, and I'm mildly freaking about "Will I screw up dinner table etiquette?" Sigh.... Will complete update tomorrow...

Tanita-San:181.4
Waist: 35

Both up some from last week...with no big surprise. I went mildly wild on my birthday and ate more overall in the last week. Part of it was no doubt comfort eating. Part of it was that once you let go...well, in my experince, once *I* let go....reining in is hugely more difficult. Ongoing self-control just tends to make for easier living than loosening the reins and then trying to scale back. Might be different for you, but I have noticed this in some research on overeating and in some bloggers, who just can't seem to get it together for weeks (or more) after a vacation or binge or going off plan.

I will say that the combo of meds, fighting spirit, prayer...it's starting to work. Today, I still felt a bit wonky, but I also felt the rising tide. Energy seemed closer to normal than it has been for WEEKS. Pain in the shoulders, elbows and feet was markedly decreased, while the knees are a bit more stable, though still painful. Hips in certain positions make their displeasure known, so stretching has become super-essential.

Fluids: mostly fine. Didn't drink enough on birthday.

Calories: pretty crappy. About 2500 on birthday (and remember, I regain at around 1700), and pretty much at 1600-1800, up and down, all week. Not good. Not good. But getting better. The wild cravings that birthday weekend provoked are subsiding. And that feels good.

The improvement in energy meant I could post a bit more and comment supportively a bit more. I surpassed the challenge minimum.

Mood: improving. I laugh more. I feel lighter. I can only be grateful that the threat of depression, another real episode, was just that--a threat. (Knock wood.)

I read a bit of my willpower book, and I like the anatomy/physiolog part as how it relates to the "I want", "I will", "I won't" functions. I think once I get into the more pragmatic applications, my mojo will rise, too. As it is, today is the first day in weeks that I felt like my motivation to resume this journey is coming back. And that is a huge relief. Apathy sucks. No question about that.

And my toes are red again. :D Good sign...

And the quotes for this challenge:

"The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term is the indispensable prerequisite for success." 

~Maxwell Maltz

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

~Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Day 29 of 84 in the StSC: Where I report an uptick following a really fun Supercon weekend! Where Misfits feel at Home and Fat Princesses Who Aren't AS FAT AS LAST YEAR Dance with Teens....LOTSA PICS...and, sure, Challenge Updates...

Okay, still not feeling like blogging, but I need to do an update. I was seriously sleep deprived and slept until 4 today. Had a great time. My mood lifted. I danced a lot, hollered a lot, bought a lot of stuff (manga, art, music cds, etc). Got to enjoy the youthful cosplayers. Some terrific bands (the music was very good this year compared to last two years).

I did not stay within challenge calories this weekend. I hit just under 1800 calories Saturday and made it to 1600 yesterday. I'm still hitting the salty stuff (and eating out didn't help as every place we went had salted up food). Saturday, we ate at the convention hall snack bar (chicken caesar and fruit was the only things on the menu doable), and then hit Au Bon Pain in the hotel . Again, tough to pick something, as limited options for me. I will say, they make a nice egg salad.

It was difficult getting decent stuff to eat yesterday, so we took water and each of us had a protein bar and waited until nearly 2 in the morning to actually make up for not having lunch or dinner prior to that. Both Sat and Sun, we had breakfast before leaving, packed nuts and fruit for Saturday, and those protein bars for yesterday.

I completed another "new exercise"--2 actually--so that makes 2 already, and meets my requirements. We did some Dance Party in the game room. And I went to a mini-rave (before the BIG raves), and used the Apple App for the glowstick and rave-danced for about 40 minutes. Added to regular dancing which totaled about 3 hours for both days. Yesterday, especially, I was just into it. Great performances and I stood and danced through them all, right up at the stage. Why not act 18 again? I figured.

I have been sore, so clearly, I was active. And most of the time I was on my feet, even when not grooving to the moving.

I only worked on push-ups one day. Yeesh. I blogged much less than usual, but I did blog this week. I did some encouragement. I prayed for the challenge, but not as much. I haven't quit, though I am somewhat off track. Not feeling as guilty as I ought to, as I was on a convention high. ; )

This week, I got two Pilates sessions, 3 walking sessions, the convention dancing/game-dancing. That was exercise. Food was over-caloric 4 of the days, so a fail there. I stuck with proteins and vegetables and fruit and fats (ie, still avoided most starches/sugar), but had too much.

I only missed my water goals one day (yesterday, when I miscalculated and realized by bedtime I was 2 cups of water short of goal).

Tanita-san says: 190.8

Thats UP from last week by ONE POUND.

And here we go. Another week. And I need to be firmly back on the track and not distracted by too much fun or too little sleep (no one gets enough sleep on convention weekends.) Goal this week right through Sunday: To be on plan, on goals, in the game and not derail at all.

I am wishing all Challengers the best. :)

Hubby's Blackberry didn't send me the couple pics from Saturday (was running around from event to event, so forgot to take pics of stuff again, and I so wanted a pic with Death the Kid and the amazing stilted version of resureccion Ulquiorra. That guy was so Gothy~! There were some really amazing costumes, too.)  One nice thing was, Sunday night, being told by some of the kids we semi-befriended that we were one of the funnest couples (and when teens and 20-somethings tell you that, it feels good to a 51 year old). It was also very good I carried a spare bra, as it came in handy in THE QUEST. Kinda like a scavenger hunt in the karaoke space. As did my limited edition MAC "Red" She Said lipstick, which was used by me and one of the young guys on my team. Hubby ended up with lots of lipstick on his bald spot, as it became the focus of one of the challnges. And yeah, that was weird. At one point, the hunt required we bring a fruit to the host. Hubby had eaten two apples and a banana, so we were out of fruit. But one of the team gay guys volunteered to be the "fruit". So, it worked out. ; ) (Creativity was encouraged, so, say, spontaneously markered tatoos were acceptable, etc.)

One of the nice things about these events is that for all misfits and outsiders, for the fat and homely, the slim and sexy, the spacey and odd, everyone fits in. You can be 60 or 16, but if you love the genres or the raving or the cosplay or the onigiri making or Japanese culture or gaming or karaoke or all of it, you fit in. The guy in blue spandex, the girl in the wolf-god costume, the crossdresser, the pimply Pokemon collector, the 10 year old boy in the wheelchair dressed as a game character for the cosplay contest, the genre tv starlet plugging her latest, the K-pop enthusiast mimicing the dance moves from the latest M'Blaq video, the geek film enthusiast learning how to edit, the Steampunk afficionado in leather and metal with a gas mask and cape showing others how to fashion brass accoutrements for their costumes---everyone is accepted. No nastiness. It's all good.

I felt like a misfit for most of my youth, and I'm glad misfit kids can feel at home, even if it's for a weekend, wearing green wigs and talking Trek or Tron or Gundam or World of Warcraft or singing badly at Karaoke or acting out a song in expressive dance, or just waving glowsticks at the rave sans booze or drugs. (My kind of rave.)

If you get a chance to go to one, and you have remembered feeling like you didn't "fit in", go to an anime/comicon. Have fun. No matter your size or age.

Wish I had a lot of pics, but really, we were too busy to take em, though we took some Sunday on the "winding down" hours as we cooled off from sweaty eventing.

But Toots did email me some just now. For a bit of comparison, this is us last year with Gilligan's Island's Mary Anne:

Supercon June 2010 with "Mary Anne" and me in my cover-up cause i was 260+ lbs

Two of us that same week.

Now this year:

Prince and Princess and Doctor Who blue kiosk

Leaving on Saturday after 1AM and the mall stores
closed...but purdy display, hence the pic...This outfit was perfect
for the con. Cool, comfy, stretchy, with a huge purse
for assorted necessities and sneakers were godsend.

Late Sunday, Dance Party-ing with a Total Stranger Teen...fun!
This was a comfy outfit, but too dark and hot for late-night raving, I can tell you!

The energy level is a whole different thing from last year with +70 pounds.

I hope I can say that next year, I'll be even more energized at goal weight with more muscle and I'll need better undies, cause with the hanging skin--panni and back flaps-- I need work and my butt needs some liftage:

Ah, well. I guess I'll have comparison pics NEXT year. :D

And that's it for this update. Not a stellar challenge week, but a week where my mood began to dip and then took a rise and I'm all for a happy "ending".

Blessings on you all for a new week of fatfighting!

Day 22 of 84 in the StSC: Week Recap--and it wasn't a perfect one--with Challenge Weigh-in, Assorted Blather...and Mango Love!

Okay, so I had a busy weekend, and part of that busy-ness meant I really slacked on my strategies.

Yesterday, Tanita-San said: 189.8

That makes a change of -1.4 lbs off for the week.

However, yesterday was hubby's birthday party, and while I had no candy, cake, or assorted junk food, I had too much cheese and too much fruit--yeah, for someone like me who needs to monitor carbs, there is such a thing as too much fruit--and half a cup of homemade lower-cal potato salad and no-sugar, no-gluten, low-carb cookies. I was very moderate with my meat and condiments. But, well, there ya go. I done not so great.

Yeah, I overdid it. The scale is the proof. Today: 191.8 . That's 2 lbs up of carb and salt bloat. I will have to battle this back this week if I intend to make progress for next weigh-in. Pain in the keister. Geesh.

My goals and how I did this past week:

Weight: I was on target for the week with the loss, but not for the challenge. I should be 6 pounds down as of Sunday, and I'm only 5.2 as of Sunday. So, after this bloat is gone and I see if there is any lingering damage, I have to play CATCH UP!

Calories: I went to the max of 1400 several days and went over 2 days (yes, the weekend). One day was 2000 cals. Holy smokes! Well, I've had a great eating streak, and I was bound to eff up. Here it is. I effed up. And I don't plan to do it again as of today. Yes, I tracked calories. I do it automatically in my head if I don't do it online or in a notebook. So, some days I did it online, some jotted down, some in my head (if I'm out of the house a lot). It's just a habit now. I count. Always. Even if I can't perfectly measure. Like Debbi, I'll round UP if in doubt about the actual portion weight/size.

Exercise: Not this past week. I only strength-trained ONE day (instead of goal of 2x). I did meet half of my goal of trying 2 new exercises The kiddie pool exercise. hah. No work on push-ups due to knee still healing (bruises are faded, but knee still is unstable.) I had to curtail walking due to knee issue, and then this weekend, stormy weather kept me inside, but I was able to resume. Glad for that.  Hopeful to be able to walk normally this week.

Fluids: About the only perfect thing this week.

Prayer: I missed a couple days. I know, how could I? Sorry.

Encouragement: Yes, I encouraged some challengers. All, no.

Today is the "Mind back in the game" day. Today is the last "milestone" June day for hubby and me. The 29th anniversary of the day we first said "I love you" to one another. It's a day I hold very dear and have very sweet memories of. No celebrating out of the house, but, well, a good day to get back on course, as it's a day about love. And love of health and self should play its part.

I had my coffee, tea, more than half my water, had my spice-rubbed grilled chicken with organic mixed lettuce salad, 1/4 cup of guacamole, 1/2 a tomato, and my blackberry/strawberry dessert is waiting. Dinner is already made--a beef stew with carrots and onions and taters. Taters are mostly for hubby (who needs to keep weight on). I'll have mine with some mushrooms and cauliflower on the side (unless it's no longer yummy, gotta see if it's still fresh). Otherwise it'll be zucchini. I just got some today. :D

I will likely have papaya and mango for my fruit with dinner. Brother's mango tree was just full of the things, and I brought 9 mangoes home to use this week. My fave fruit. Since childhood. I'd get so happy eating those in my panties, sitting on newspaper (to keep me from staining my clothes). Sucking away on the huge pit. Man, I loved me my mangoes. Very high in sugars, but, hey, I ain't eating bread/pasta/etc, so I'm having my beautiful tropical treat and feeling all of 9 years old again. Um, not naked or on newspapers, but still full of joy. Fruit joy. I can't give it up. :D

Happy new challenge week. My prayers and best wishes for health and success are sent to all my fellow-fatfighters. Off we go....

Day 12 of 84 in the StS Challenge: Scale nice to me, babying knee, appetite calmed down yesterday, initial planning for Father's Day "feasting"...and a pic to motivate you all weekend!

Tanita-san: 192.2

Very nice. That's like a 1 pound whoosh in one day. Hope it's not me seeing mirages or something...heh. I'd love to make it to 191.4 for Sunday, but that's rather optimistic. To make challenge goal, I'd need to make it to at minimum 192.0 and better 191.8 (for 1.5 pounds a week rate). I can make it as long as I don't...fudge. I'm most concerned about reduced movement. I do not doubt the good whoosh is a combo of that hour of exercise and the cutback on calories.

I had a very light supper. My appetite that had spiked a bit calmed down some yesterday, and the few temptations were easily batted away. A look at yesterday re challenge goals:

Calories: 989

Fluids: Yep.

Prayer: Yep

Exercise: Pilates with trainer, no push-ups work

Sleep: Lots

Blogged and visited a few, not many, blogs.

Waist: 37... Unchanged. Hips 45.5..more belly fat reduced

Today: I did  feel as if there are some changes going on in my body. Been noticing it a couple days now. I look in the mirror and something in the...lines...have changed. Waist is an inch down from yesterday...really? Hip measurement is down, too. The lower belly fat is reducing. My belly hangs LOW...and losing in the hips is more like losing in the gut for me...

I'm still stunned waist budged that much from yesterday!It's 36 inches, not 37. How does one lose an inch overnight?

Knee still "snappy" and the bruises are an unflattering green. I iced some more yesterday and used a bit of compression (brace) while I was walking around making supper. I used some arnica gel, too, from the health food store. I am still a bit stressed that I can't go do my usual walk, but patience is called for. Been taking extra vitamin C and some vegan glucosamine, and just...well...having calm thoughts, healing thoughts....

So, Father's Day. This is gonna be a temptation time for many of us. Yesterday, the Zevia I ordered arrived and I will be taking a couple cans to drink (one cola, a grape or cherry). This will give me the "feast" feeling, as I don't do soda much anymore. Zevia is fizzy and sweetened with erythritol and stevia (not aspartame or sucralose). I got ginger ale for sis to try (not my thing, Ginger Ale).

I plan to take some sugarfree chocolate for my treat and a caprese salad with either pesto or balsamic (haven't decided, maybe both). Also,  some of that grassfed organic beef I ordered from Idaho a couple months back. I need to defrost today so I can marinate overnight Saturday. Brother wants steak on the grill and, hey, that's fine with hubby and me.

I may take some sugar-free, low-carb ice cream for hubby as my brother is making homemade mango and coconut ice cream--he makes amazing frozen stuff from real fruit, just like our dad used to--and hubby has been eschewing sugar. (Miracle. He used to be the sugar-vacuum.) He likes fruit or unsweetened Ghirardelli cocoa powder on top.

My plan is to stick with protein and veggies (grilled and salad types) and have  my sugarfree treats to ward off the temptation for the sugary ones that may strike.

It's about family anyway. I won't be able to play, like I like to (catch or frisbee or whatever), but we can play board games and talk about the "good old days" when our parents were alive. It's about FAMILY, not food. Food is just an adjunct to familial love.

Family isn't around forever. Years pass, we get old, loved ones die. Enjoy your holiday and let food just be an accent, not the focus. Make plans. Make plans for how to sidetrack, avoid, exile the off plan or trigger foods.

The challenge applies to Father's Day, too, because every year for the rest of our lives, temptations will arise. If we want to get to goal and stay there, we have to learn to handle it NOW and never let food be the "big deal" on holidays. The big deal..is the people.

And here's a photo that I saw on Caroline Jhingory's site to help motivate you (and me) to stick to it this holiday weekend:

The gorgeously fit Ms. Ernestine Shepherd...
senior citizen and bodybuilder! Wow!!!

Happy Friday...be well...and I will be praying for us to be strong. I continue to covet prayers for my knees. :)  And I ask for you prayer warriors who read this to please remember THIS CHALLENGER and her situation today and this week.

Day 11 of 84 in the StSC: Trying not to get bummed, and what inspires me to keep going...

Scale is almost at a standstill, as I myself have been pretty much at a standstill...or is that a sit-still or lie-still? The knee is better, but still feels unstable...like sometimes I'm walking and it feels...loose, like it'll give a bit. Still aches a bit. But much improved.

Lying around/sitting around has not improved either my appetite or the scale progress. So frustrating: 193.2  Only a half pound in all these days.My appetite increase is likely due to a sort of mental association reversion thing: "Oh, are we back to the sitting/lying around like an anemic slug days again? Whoopee. Let's have some fried cheese! Or a bacon-cheeseburger deluxe, followed by chocolate cake!"

Yeah, something about just being inactive has put me in some weird "I wanna eat to comfort myself" zone. And it affects my mood.

Sucks. But I'm fighting it. I've had closer to 1400 calories (1385 yesterday) and still had to fight off the eat more urges. I suppose this is something to get used to and learn to handle, since it will happen from time to time. I will have injuries/disease. I will have inactive days/weeks, perhaps (Lord, forbid) months. At 51, the fall made me reassess my fragility (I do worry about these wonky knees of mine and the arthritis). I think it's the whole, "I"m old, getting older, am scared" thing that affected my mood. Well, and not having my walking endorphins. :-/

But I ain't giving up. I will fight past the inactivity setback and mood dip and will emerge with my fighting spirit on fire.

 Not giving up. Part of this challenge is to keep going, and that's for life. Keep going for health for life....

Thank God for support. Hubby has been affectionate and attentive and it keeps me from getting too bummed out. I was cheered last night viewing some of his pro pics. (I got him a deal for professional photos, since he does classes/conferences and has his second edition of his book coming out, for resumes, etc, I wanted GOOD pics in assorted poses, for various users. For his gamer mode, author mode, engineer mode, Frisbee-er mode, business mode, manly mode, and just some fun ones for me to drool over.)

Here's one where I like his expression a lot, cause his intelligence and sweetness both shine in it:

mmmmmmmmmmmm,.so hot....

And this is his new suit (bought last week, cause he's dropped oodles of pounds and old suits don't fit). I insisted on sexy, basic, quality BLACK. Nothing professionally sexier on a man than a BLACK basic suit (lower rez, cause I couldn't get them to FLIP on blogger. Anyone know how to flip photos on blogger?):

 And here is a smiley gamer hubby:

Anyway, fluids good, prayer good. Exercise and encouragement, not so much. Sorry.

Today, I'm going to Pilates and I suppose we'll work around the knee. Maybe upper body stuff.

Later, peops! Fight the good fatfight!

UPDATE: Got back from Pilates. Am eating my satay chicken, salad, fruit and French press Sumatra java. Yum. Knee is aching and throbbing. We had to stick to upper body and reposition me so the knee wasn't strained. It was tough. I had some dizzy spells. Trainer says stay off, no walking, and if in a week it's still unstable and hurting, must see ortho. Um, yeah, figured that one out.

On to the goals, no matter what....!

Day 9 of 84 in the StSC: The Good, The Very Good, The Very VERY Good,The Bad, & The Ugly....or why I didn't post yesterday and what I did today and what I won't do today or maybe tomorrow, either...

The Good: Despite my hubby misplacing my keys (ie not putting them in the bowl I use for my keys, hence, *I* never lose them) and causing me to lose 1/2 hour of Pilates time, I did get some work in. And the soreness means it was a good 30 mins.

The Bad: After Pilates, I went to the farmer's market, and there I fell a big one and banged up my worse of two bad knees. Everyone was nice and helpful and the employee took my info in case it turned out to be more than the swelling and bruising already forming... It hurts.

The Ugly: My knee. It's swollen, green with bruises, red with scrapes, and making popping noises.

The Good: I could walk. Granted, I felt some discomfort in movement, but I finished getting my good produce before heading home.

The Bad: I had to ice my leg all afternoon and evening and stayed off my feet pretty much, meaning no cardio. I dozed a lot and missed blogging or reading blogs that I didn't get to early in the day.

The Good:  Had an appointment with my endocrinologist today, and she was VERY pleased with my big weight loss since she last saw me. I was in the 240's when she saw me last. I was 197 on the scale there (with sneakers and clothes, etc).

The Very Good: I was taken off the BP meds. Recall that I saw my doc last week and she reduced me to every other day half dose. Well, my blood pressure was 84/46, which alarmed the doc, and she said to stop taking it. I conjectured that this might be the reason that I was a bit spacey and didn't notice the corner of the platform sticking out. The platform is where I clipped my leg and lost my balance, leading to my fall at the farmer's market. I'm klutzy, but not THAT klutzy. I haven't had a spill in public since I slipped on a cheeseburger someone dropped outside a McD's back in 1989. Long time.

She also reduced my thyroid meds a scosh, as I'm lighter now and was subclinically hyperthyroid (slightly) and don't need as much. From 137 levoxyl to 125. No change in Cytomel. Yay.

The Very VERY Good: She says I have, and I quote, " now resolved my prediabetes." This calls for a big ole whoop, three cheers, and a lap around the block. Since my knee is still swollen and achy, the lap is delayed, but WHOO!!!! and "Hooray, hooray, hooray!"Those were words I have been longing to hear. A1c was good and Glucose (fasting) was 84. My last several readings ranged from 99 down to 92.

The Good, Very Good, Bad, then Good: Lipid panel showed increase in TOTAL cholesterol (included the calculated, not counted and analyzed LDL). It was the LDL that messed it up. HDL is high at 56 (meaning it's excellent). Triglycerides are wonderfully low at 49. I had requested a Lipid Profile from my primary last time, and she called me yesterday to say the LDL profile was good (ie, my LDL is principally the beneficial/neutral "fluffy" type, not the dense and dangerous type.). So, I am not concerned, but the doc asked I take red yeast rice. I put the kibbosh right off on any statins or presription drugs. I know what they do to me (bad, bad, stuff and crap quality of brain/life from side effects), but I'm willing to try the natural one, as long as I don't get muscle/liver issues.

If you do low-carb, lower-carb, moderate-carb, with higher fats (especially things like coconut oil and butter/ghee), always make sure you get the LDL profile (actual analysis of LDL) and not just the formula calculation of LDL, cause the type of LDL matters a helluva lot, and if you are eating, say, Primarian, Primal/Paleo, or LC, this will affect HDL/Trig positively and can have either a positive or adverse effect on LDL. I don't douse my food in butter or oils, as I have to count calories, so I was only concerned with the profile of the LDL (ie, I didn't want the deadly one). But don't go by calculated LDL. It's misleading when one makes certain dietary changes.


So, medically, there we are up to date. Now I need X-rays for my hips/coccyx and a bone density scan. The last is cause I'm post-menopausal and have taken steroids my whole life in pills and injection form due to really bad asthma since infancy, so doc thinks I might be osteopenic due to that. Great, right?

On the plus side, she took a quick look at the knee and thinks that it's just soft tissue damage. I hear additional weird pops in the knee, but the swelling MIGHT account for that. If that doesn't resolve, I guess an orthopedist visit is in my near future.

What's not in my near future is any exercise of weight bearing type. I was anxious about this. Even voiced it to hubby..okay, and doc, too. hahaha. I don't wanna slow my loss or mess up my fitness level, and trust me, I'd never have believed in all my previous adult years that I'd be worred about NOT BEING ABLE to do my walking exercises or other knee-use ones. It still stuns me that my first thought after the fall--after the, "Please, God, don't let my bones be broken!"--was, "Oh, hell. Will this impede my workouts!!???"

Lifestyle change, right?

Anyway, a quick recap of the Challenge related stuff for yesterday:

Calories: 1350
Fluids: in
Exercise: 30 mins Pilates, no work on the push-ups.
Prayer: Yep.
Blogging: Nope.
Encouragement: Some
Quitting: Not  a chance. But, well, rehabbing, mebbe. :D

I hope all the challengers are finding the second week still full of spirit and motivation. Let's keep at it until we make it to the goal line!

Be well. Off I go to use my Frieling French press and make me some yummy java and drink my water....

Pondering my Slimmer This Summer Challenge Goals...and hey, my blog is "Adorable"!

Before June 6, I will be posting on what my specific, measurable goals are for the Slimmer This Summer Challenge. I put my tentative goals (subject to change) on my sidebar badge for the challenge (see upper right sidebar).

I'm still fighting the mood thing, though the sleep thing is better. (Thank you, foam mattress topper that will hold us over until we get a new mattress.) We went mattress shopping and could only agree on two models, both memory foam, one a no-name that seemed overpriced and other other the very expensive TempurPedic. Ouch. More than 3K for the only one we both said, "Ah, comfy."

3K+. Excuse me, really? Wow. Ow.

Oh, but they had a $200 off deal.

Excuse me while I snort...

Weight has bounced from 196.4 to 197.4. Focusing on goals is necessary for me. Without goals, it's too easy to get lax. I have been great NOT eating junk or reverting to old ways. I have been lazy about measuring. It's good that one of the rules of the challenge is daily tracking. You may be cool without it. I need it.

On the plus side, at the size I'm now, every pound starts to be noticeable and count. My trainer said she can notice differences every week, see more musculature be visible, see better when I'm doing X or Y move. Well, hey, that's good. :) I know I seem to feel more bones every week...

Back to the challenge: One of the other rules is to stay between 1200 and 1400 calories. My personal goal is to stay under/at/close to 1200. It just is a better losing rate for me. I'm way smaller than I was, so if I go over too much, my rate of loss will just slow frustratingly.

I plan (as long as budget allows, which basically means SAVING LESS for retirement right now) to continue my 2x a week private Pilates sessions. I have talked with the instructor about adding one Reformer class. I love using the Cadillac and Reformer. Now that I'm way smaller than when I started Pilates, I feel like I can keep up with a class with minimal modification. She's already letting me do most exercises without big mods for what used to be a supadupa-crazy-huge belly and now is just a big belly. So, this is one of my considerations for the challenge: add an equipment class of Pilates.

Another possibility is to do something altogether different--like try to get in on the aqua-aerobics class (which was full last season when I checked). I'd need a unitard for that (no one will be seeing these crinkly deflated inner thighs!) Or tai-chi. They have a class nearby. I might even sample Zumba once I'm at or under 185 (ie, not obese anymore). I honestly think my knees will be an impediment, but I won't know unless I *try*. Challenge means I should do things out of my comfort zone, so why not?

And that's why I would love to finally, finally, finally do normal push-ups. 4 of them. I made them a goal. I've never in my whole life been able to to pull-ups, chin-ups, or non-modified full push-ups. So, that's probably my hardest challenge for this summer.

I plan to continue walking as long as I can tolerate the heat. I like what it does for my stamina and the shape of my legs. My legs look really good since I started walking! I just got back from PlayWalking with hubby (garsh, it was muggy), and the allergens are on full out there. My eyes are itching like mad. We threw around a football as we walked. Fun. :)

June is the number one month of milestones for hubby and me. We first met, first dated, first kissed, first said "I love you", got married, and first did the big whoopie in June. It's also his birthday month. So, we have many celebrations. I don't plan to have cakes, boxes of chocolates, massive dinners out. Having the challenge begin 6/6 means almost all the milestones will be DURING the challenge, and it will help me not derail. It's all to easy to say, "Oh, it's a special occasion. I'm having crap and cake with cream on top!" I stayed very close to plan on Valentine's and on my Birthday, so why not on my love milestones, too.

We can always celebrate with music, dancing, sightseeing, beachwalks, fresh summer fruit and veggie-packed salads, and lotsa whoopie.

So, I will continue to ponder my goals and make a decision by June 5.

I know this: I have 36 to 37 pounds to lose. These are the HARDEST to lose. Not just cause I have multiple strikes against me--post-menopausal, hypothyroid, insulin resistant, plus other chronic health issues and various meds, including several that make you HUNGRIER- but cause the smaller you get, the fewer calories you need, the smaller the caloric deficit when eating the same calorie level (ie, 1200 ). But there is no choice but to hang in and think long haul and lifestyle and lifetime.

If I lose 1 pound a week, I get there by my birthday in Feb of next year.

If I lose 2 pounds a week, I make it by Halloween. :)

Either way, I will get there. Then I will have a whole new journey: Maintenance. That one is crazy hard, too. But at least you wear more stylish clothes there and don't fear breaking chairs or getting in and out of booths (or NOT getting in). :)

Are you pondering your summer health, weight, fitness goals, too?

~~

I'd like to thank Sarah of On My Weigh To Happiness blog for a bloggy award. It's lovely to be thought of.

She listed these as the rules:
Thank the person who gave you this award, and link back to them in your post. (Thanks T)
-Tell us 10 things about yourself.
-Nominate your bloggers.
-Contact these bloggers, and let them know they received this award.

I normally don't continue to the chain, and this time, no different. If I visit your blog, comment, have you on my blogroll, it means I like your blog and prolly think it's "Adorable!" :)  If I'm a regular for you--and you know if I am a regular, cause I have commentorrhea, also known as making long, rambling comments that sometimes verge on the pompous!--then yes, you are adorable!

Anyway, 10 things about me (you may leave now if this bores the helloutta ya):

1. I was born in revolutionary historic city in eastern Cuba. Sort of like the "Philadelphia" of Cuba.
2. I have lived in NYC (the Bronx) and South Florida. That's it. Only places I've lived.
3. I am an otaku with regard to anime/manga/sci-fi/fantasy. Look it up. :)
4. I'm a member of three different museums, cause art rocks!
5. I have seen ghosts.
6. I have multiple phobias, including swimming in the ocean (sharks!) and flying on planes. I plan to overcome the latter one, since my weight loss reward (if I keep it off at least 2 years) will be a trip to TUSCANY! (Unless we're uberbroke.)
7. I love surrealistic art (especially Remedios Varo and De Chirico)  and the Pre-Raphaelites. (Look it up.)
8. I find the Scottish accent and Asian features the sexiest in the world. So, if an Asian dude with a Scottish accent came up to me, I'd either have serious cognitive dissonance and zone out, or faint right off at the dual hotness.
9. I've seen Sense & Sensibility 16 times (and still have a mad crush on Col. Brandon).
10. I own thousands of books (yes, I have a book hoarding issue).

Okay, if you managed to get through that...enjoy rest and family and loved ones on this holiday weekend. And while you enjoy your leisure, and while I enjoy mine, let's please remember those who gave their lives for our freedoms (and the freedoms of other nations), and pray for the families of the fallen of our more recent wars.

Still struggling with the mood/sleep, but I will conquer! Also, making breakfast a bit different than my usual (with pics). Sore quads from sprint bursts. Really? Two days after still? Nice. And the Push-Ups Proposition!!!!

Tanita-san was mean: 198.6
Wednesday was 198.0

I think the sleep disturbances and the higher salt yesterday are messing me up. I have found in the past--through blogging and weighing and analyzing--that when my sleep goes into the dumps I stall or gain, and when my sleep messes up, I crave salt. I have no idea why there is this connection. Maybe one of y'all out there know. But when I sleep poorly, I gravitate towards the salty.

I slept semi-crappy, and have only had two good sleep days this week--and yes, the turmoil in my mood and stress in my brain is contributing to this, but I also need to get me a new, more coddling mattress. I feel like someone stuffed a bunch of cotton into my cerebrum. Like I'm stupid. My husband has had to repeat stuff to me. I watch a program on tv and have to ask my husband what just happened cause I zone out.

Sleep is important!

I found a book I promised to review (and then lost in my clutter), and it's about MASTERING YOUR SLEEP, so it's time for me to sit, read, and see what I can apply. I am doing too well and a too happy with my current physical changes to have crap sleep and mood and stress sabotage me. Ain't gonna happen. I am putting on my warrior garb and fighting this until I'm sawing away in dreamland with sweet rest.

I worked on mood a bit yesterday, reading encouraging stuff, praying, and FORCING cheerfulness. If you suffer from depressive issues, you know that the last thing you want to do is...be active or be cheery. But since the brain is a mysterious thing and, whether properly shown in studies or not, facial expression CAN have a reaction to mood, I decided to smile up a storm, force laughter, watch comedy and otherwise fight the hell out of the lil blue aura around my head. I  am not WORSE for it, so I will continue to experiment with that. A cheerful face until it revives my normally cheerful heart. A positive thought plan until my optimism and positivity are unforced and natural.

May sound nuts, but if it works, don't care. :D

BREAKFAST:

I have become a creature of diet habit when it comes to breakfast. For me, eggs, veggies, fruit and coffee seem to be what works best for me to control hunger for hours and hours and to make me feel like I had stuff that was emotionally, visually, and mouth-satisfying. I like the colors, the textures, the flavors. So, for me, it's almost a given I'll make a veggie omelette (with cheese usually, and usually egg-white, though occasionally I'll use a whole egg), make fresh gourmet coffee (black and sweetened), drink lots of water, and have (optional, but usual) some fresh fruit. My fruit choice is usually papaya with lime squirted on it. My allergies like its decongestant properties and my tummy likes the enzymes. (I used to suffer from GERD. Not so much now.)

Today, I wanted to do something different with my egg/veggie things, so instead of an egg-white omelette , I took two boiled eggs and 1 additional boiled egg white, made an egg salad out of it with dijon mustard, lite mayo, chopped celery, chopped carrot, chopped scallions, and paprika. I spooned it into little endive leaves  Had to chop off a lot of the endive as it was, sadly, not in the most beautiful shape at the bottom. Tops were fine and crunchy. I made a mini salad of the leftover little endive center bits and cucumber, added a small bit of homemade dijon vinaigrette (EVOO, white wine vinegar, dijon mustard, pepper, stirred up).  It was fun. :) I still perfer omelettes, but this was a nice change and looked PRETTY on the plate! I served some papaya with lime on the side (see pic). I also took a fiber supplement with Chromium and my multivitamin.  Total calories: 369 per Sparkpeople tracker. (27 carbs, effective carbs 16g after subtracting fiber, and 19g protein).

That may be too many carbs for the low-carbers out there, so if you want to try it, of course, just leave out the papaya or have 1/2 cup instead. Or just some blackberries. :) I love enjoying the blackberries this month. So nummy!

Here are pics of a couple of typical breakfasts from this month, as well as today's.

Broccoli slaw and onion omelette with side of garlic mushrooms and blackberries

Greek Omelette (feta, peppers, tomato, onion, fresh oregano leaves) with spinach and mushrooms saute (EVOO) and papaya

Egg Veggie Salad, Cucumber salad, papaya

I ended up not working out at all yesterday. Dang. I felt like such a sluggard. Today, I am gonna use a Pilates DVD (since I missed it yesterday) and do my walk (if the weather permits). I think rest days are great, but two in a row is me risking going back to old, lazy ass ways. Can't let it happen. My quads are still quite sore. I find that even when all we do is a couple spurts of "All out, run for your life" half to a block long sprints (I wouldn't risk much more due to crappy knees), because I really GO GO GO for it, my quads will be sore the next day. I also did a few push-ups Wednesday (I still can't do them PROPERLY, which makes me nuts), so my shoulders/arms feel it a bit,  too. Can any of you ladies to 5 or 10 all out proper push-ups? I know some do (Dr. Fatty does oodles in TKD). But even when I was a skinny kid, I had no fricken pull-up or push-up ability. I could do all sorts of stuff the was lower body with ease, but chin-ups were beyond me, even as a normal weight teen.

One of my goals is to make it to 10 real push-ups by my birthday next year. Is that realistic? Dunno...but it's a goal! No modifications. REAL push-ups.  The Princess' Push-Up Proposition.

Have you set a fitness goal for your next birthday? What? Tell me!

Happy Friday!

Day 71 of Phase 5: Another drop. What are your weight loss obstacles (and a catalog of mine)? Are you overcoming them?...and I can have the a/c on higher now (not as heat intolerant) and 90% of my shoes don't fit! PLUS: Dang, the organic blackberries are a-rocking my world!

Whoa? Really? I guess IF and working out on an empty stomach did help fat loss.

Tanita-san: 208.4

That's -1.8 lbs since Sunday's weigh-in.

I'll have to continue that experiment. :D See if this is atypical or if I can expect a solid drop on days when workout after an IF. If I see a pattern of stronger drops with it, it will be my exercise eating system of choice.

I was lightheaded a bit this AM, so I checked my B.P. after getting up: 105/66. Pulse: 55

Wow, no wonder I was getting lightheaded. Good thing I get my labs done today and see the doc soon. May be time to ditch Ramipril altogether. I'm on a tiny dose (she halved my lowdose in Jan when I was passing out from low BP). I may not need it anymore. Fingers crossed.

For those out there with medical/metabolic impediments to weight loss: keep reading, keep learning, keep trying, see professionals (but be aware that sometimes the science takes a while to catch up to the "world is flat" sort of phenomenon in nutrition). It's worth investing in books, dietitians, cognitive therapists, whatever it takes to heal your issue. Sometimes, healing your issue may be as simple as AVOIDING SUGAR AND REFINED/PROCESSED FOODS ALTOGTHER .

Every body/DNA has particulars, but "modern" foods don't seem to benefit a whole lotta us. Figure out what gives you energy, a good mood, and doesn't pack on pounds, and eat that way. I suspect if you go to MORE fruits and veggies and ditch the stuff in boxes and aluminum cans in supermarket aisles, your body is gonna respond.


I have multiple metabolic strikes against me. I kid you not. I am a mess. (Less of a mess at 209 than 299, tho.) I have hurdles that many of you probably do not. Behold the catalog of my obstacle course:


I have a super low metabolism and am post-menopausal (which don't help none, I can tell you), I have several chronic health disorders, I have Metabolic Syndrome, including insulin resistance/prediabetes that made my skin turn charcoal grey-to-nearly-midnight-black in spots it was so bad, and that's not completely resolved YET with 90 lbs loss. I have hypothyroidism. I also take 2 medications that increase appetite.  And I had a DNA test that confirmed I am one of those with markers for obesity AND low metabolism and a higher than normal propensity to absorb fat and not wanna release it without high effort. I was a former binge-eater. I'd eat enough for three men at a pop until I was in horrible bully-busting pain from being overstuffed. I tied food to comfort. And suffering from depression (since age 9), I would hit food when an active depressed cycle showed up.

The impediments to exercise have been: a set of bad knees, mostly the left, which has a torn ACL since 1989, a bad right ankle from a childhood fracture that makes some footwork in Pilates really difficult, an right knee that has succumbed to decades of obesity and makes awful crunchy noises. Asthma (bad, since infancy). Bursitis, L shoulder. And just being BIG. Anyone who exercises when morbidly obese deserves a pat on the back, cause moving AT ALL at that size is a herculean effort, much less moving with effort with weights or walking briskly. Plantar fasciitis that hasn't been as bad as 13 years ago, but can flare up if I do too much on my feet. Much improved with weight loss and mostly wearing sneakers or flats or very well padded shoes. No stilettos for moi.



So, you think you got it bad? (And you may have it worse than me, but that should clear it up that I have to fight for every ounce off.)


If I can lose, chances are you can. If I could stop binge-ing (10+ months with no binge so far), you can. If I could cut down to 1800, then 1700, then 1400, then 1200, you can. If you need to.


If I, a dedicated exercise-hater and couch potato (and I still love being on the couch reading or watching J-dramas and anime) can exercise regularly, you can.

Believe you can. I couldn't do it until I began to step out in faith and worked on learning why I binged/overate and committed to exercising (when I did NOT NOT NOT want to move).

So, what are your weight loss impediments? I know many of us have these individual obstacles, emo and physio. What makes it hard for you?

Okay, I gotta shower and do my curls for the lab work and then do some Whole Food-ing.

BACK..........

Well, had a hard time finding shoes to wear out. I've been pretty much living in sneaks, so it's been a while since I put regular dress shoes on.

Most of my shoes, I just discovered, don't fit. I must have lost more off my feet. I had to put a shoe insert and cotton in my red flats that I bought in February....they were flopping off my feet. My sandals just slip off or my foot slides off to the side. I don't buy cheapo shoes .Most are $100 , some a bit more, some less. And now..I can't wear them? Egads.

Oh, well. I will live in sneakers until goal weight if I gotta. :D

Oh, and I had to start wearing one of my fave rings on my index finger. I had moved it from ring to middle finger late last year. Now even middle finger...too loose. I guess it'll be a thumb ring soon. Wedding band (the "fat" one I got when I ballooned to 240+, not the original) is on middle finger. :)

Really nice day, warm. High 80s. I didn't use the car's a/c. I've noticed since dropping the last 20 that I'm not as heat intolerant. I can keep the air at 76 or 77 instead of 70 and 71, which was my norm through 2010. That's nice. :)

Oh, and to the commenter who asked about the book recommending fasting workouts, see THE NEW EVOLUTION DIET by De Vany. :D

I'm off to break my fast now that my bloodwork/urine have been taken. I went to Whole Foods, got some goodies. Had a craving for Swiss chard, so got some (it looked purdy). Got cooked turkey breast and chicken skewers from the deli, as well as some hard-boiled eggs , so I don't have to think about supper for hubby or have to go through the annoyance of cooking/peeling eggs for snack/salads. I got some fruits and veggies (I hit the Farmer's Market yesterday, so I was pretty well stocked). Some cheeses. From the meat area, I got pork chops and chicken cutlets.  Some Fage. I didn't get nuts, cause I like the walnuts from Fresh Market better.

My breakfast-lunch combo will include some breakfast stuff I like (boiled egg, fruit--mango, strawberries, raspberries,, blackberries, nearly all organic--not the mango, it's local, we have a tree, so it's half-organic, since we use a "non-toxic/green" pesticide/lawn care service) and some lunch stuff (organic mesclun, shredded carrots and beets, cucumber, red peppers, an organic locally made garlic-dill-EVOO-apple-cider-vinegar-sea-salt dressing, skewer-grilled chicken with vegetarian green curry sauce (which I can have as it's not got fish sauce). And Mrs Dash table blend for my eggs instead of salt. :D  I also sipped on some unsweetened coconut milk (only 50 calories, and it was pleasantly milk-like, and since I stopped buying milk and only use unsweetened Almond Breeze lately in its place, I looked at this as a possible second milk replacement. I like it.)

Ooh, I'm making myself hungry. Which is fine. Haven't eaten since dinner last night. I can be hungry. :)

Do something health-promoting today, okay?

UPDATE: BUY THE BLACKBERRIES. Normally, I skip them, cause they're often not sweet and it's not worth the expense. This batch of organic blackberries today were terrific. I only bought 'em cause I saw a lady just load up with like 4 pints of them, so I asked, "Um, are they sweet right now?" She said, "Oh, they're lovely." I trusted her. And I wanna go back and get a bunch more. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who needs cake?

Day 57 of Phase 5: Back to Basics (which is always good periodically) Because It Is Easy For Fires To Go Out When Plateaus Hit...and I Don't Intend to Let This Fire die! AKA The Royal Game Plan for Not-Freaking During the Plateau...And a mini-rant on the DIVAFICATION of RUBY....

My official weigh-in for Phase 5 Sunday was 215. Stasis as far as the official number. A .2 lbs gain from last week's weigh-in. I'm plateaued.

When I plateau, I look at what's going on and if there is a fixable issue, I work on it. Here's what's going on:

I am using steroid creams (rash), increased my inhaled steroids (asthma, allergies), am using steroid eye drops (allergies), and added steroid antifungal ear drops (ear infection from, yes, allergies). While this is not the same steroid load as when I routinely took prednisone (egads, that sucked monkeybutt), it is absorbed into my body and it's coming from various sources (eyes, ears, skin, lungs, nasal lining). I suspect this is part of what's causing me issues.

I am also just fighting the multiple inflammatory processes that just sprang up like demons heading for spring break on my body.

Because I had some days when I just could not fathoming exercise, due to, well, not breathing much, I exercised less last week.

I'm starting to feel some relief. My rash is not driving me ubernuts with itching and scaliness. My ear pain is reduced. My nose is slightly less congested. My bronchii are a bit better, although when I exert too much, it induces an attack (which when I'm fine and dandy is not an issue unless I do stuff like, well, sprinting or superhard no-rest kind of stuff).

I want to see a loss this week. I intend to see a loss this week. So, I'll be hoping my body stops vexing me.

Meanwhile, to not lose motivation or hope or get frustrated and do something stupid (like, yes, binge), I am going back to basics.  As many of you know, as you go along on an eating regimen of lower calories, you develop a number of set, useful, controlled meals--yeah, I do have set repetitive meals, meals I have measured, gotten used to, prepare quickly, are on my R.D. plan, and are no-brainers, like my veggie-egg whites plus fruit breakfast or my roast chicken breast with lightly sauteed or steamed veggies and herbs-- and I stop measuring event hose cause, well, you get used to it. I think it's those situations prone to portion creep. So, back to MEASURING and WEIGHING even the usual meals.

Today, it was that-- back to measuring. This is just to reinforce the habit of portion control once more.

I had gotten slack with journaling. I'd do maybe a few days out of the week. Not all. Again, this is something we tend to do when we're used to smaller meals and sort of eyeball what's on the plate.

Today, it was back to SparkPeople. Back to putting in every bite and spoonful and cupful and pat and sip.

I had NOT felt like blogging. I hadn't much felt like visiting blogs or commenting.

Today, I made sure to  read some fellow fatfighters, comment on some blogs, and now do my blog post. I do think the staying in a blogging habit is a way to focus the mind ON THE GAME. Motivation can flag too easily. I don't want to flake.

My chest still feels like there's a critter sitting on it. But it's not a tiger anymore. It's a fat cat. So, me and the fat cat will be walking...

I went to Pilates and had a hard time in some positions (for asthmatics, sometimes it's hard to push the air OUT..and it sort of gets stuck, and more fresh air can't really get in, and this is a bad thing, yes). But I pushed on. Talked to the trainers about my plateau, and one recommended more cardio. I mentioned that for me, it's a very fine line between enough cardio (which makes me feel invigorated and energetic) and too much (which makes me crazy hungry and a bit grumpy). For now, I said, I'll wait a bit and see if things move. If they don't, then I'll consider increasing by 5 minute increments or slightly increasing pace, and see. All of it is a "let's see" for me. Don't wanna make things worse--not the breathing, the bad knees/ankle, or the appetite.

Next point: Weighing. I like to do it daily to keep tabs on my fluid retention.

I'm afraid if I get on the scale too soon and don't see it budge, I'll do something immature and stupidbutt like freak and head  in 1 of 2 bad directions: 1. go on a whey fast and not eat real food for a week just to see movement on Tanita-san or 2. stuff my mouth full of whatever crap is handy just to quell the brain turmoil.

I'd rather just wait a few days or wait until the official weigh-in day and not precipitate some crazy dieter reaction. I'm not prone to crazy reactions often. But it has happened. I'm too happy being binge-free for 3/4 of a year+ to do anything to sabotage myself. So, my scale junkie needs to chill.

Next Issue: Affirmations-- I still like to rah-rah myself. But I've slacked off. My mood hasn't been as cheerful and beautiful due to being sick. So, today, I rah-rahed. and I'm gonna be doing a lot of the pom-pom waving to get the psychological circulation up and revved. I sometimes feel really stoooopid affirming myself, but I figure it's part of keeping the right mindset. So, I do it. Feeling stoopid is a small price to pay for preventing slippage into Gloom and Doom Town:


I can do it!
This is not bigger than me.
My body will respond!
I am strong! Stronger than fat!
My appetite serves me, not me it! I rule!

I plan to reread parts of my fave books--poetry, dieting, self-help, spiritual--as a way to keep my spirit up. I enjoy JOY too much to let sickness or a plateau take it from me.

I really do believe that proper actions will and must eventually yield positive results. I'm gonna reinforce basic good habits that got a bit lax as the challenge went on (measuring, journaling, affirmations) and not let this hyper-reactive immune system of mine roadblock me. Ain't gonna happen.

My eyes are on a prize, and that prize isn't NYC with the Kleins and a Christmas Tree....my eyes are on the number 186. The number at which I won't be obese anymore.

So, screw the plateau! I'm lighting fires left and right and this fat old antiquated barn is gonna burn down to a sleek modern cottage with WiFi and craftsman details.

The Princess will not be deterred...and this fat is gonna lose the siege...and this Challenger is gonna win, if not the DDDY-P5 prize,  the war...

Update: Back from walk. 32 mins at a nice clip. Lovely evening with a wispy shy smile of a moon. Gorgeous sky and breeze. Happy! See, this is great for mood issues! A sweet breeze, a gentle moon, the rustle of palm trees, the fragrance of gardenias...how could I be grumpy? Sparkpeople says that my bkfst/lunch/snack have totaled 850 cals. That leaves 350 for supper. Okay. Doable!  4 more glasses of water to go to reach my fluid requirements for the Challenge. So doable. I'm off...nitey.... 

Update 2: RUBY is annoying me like nobody's business. I wanna slap her. And then I remember it's a reality show no longer in it's first season and she's probably used to the attention of all those trainers and counselors and camera folks and is becoming more of a diva....or she wants to create fake drama for ratings. Whatever. She's a whiny pain. Someone please remind her how fortunate she is to be making a good living from people helping her get healthy and slimmer! How many of us get multiple trainers and plush locations in which to work out? I'd have loved to do that obstacle course on the beach, even with my crap knees and bad ankle. It was a specially created course for her, with professionals begging her to try, and she just bitches and says they're mean. Oh, please. Spoiled brat is what she is. She needs to listen to her show's theme song a few times: "I can if I think I can...I can!" Lately, she's a lot of "I can't." And I wonder, really wonder, if it's fake/acting for conflict for viewers? Or is she really just a brat?  

I'm not the only one annoyed with her.

I may stop watching the show altogether....or I may continue to see if RUBY looks around, realizes the shining moment she's been given to get healthy and slim, and grows the F up, stops whining, and finds her inner warrior at last.

Day 24 of Phase 4 Challenge: Yesterday's Particulars, Calm Mood Persists, Hot Cake Hankering, the Joy of a Flatter TumTum, the pain of hips that endured too much fat for too long....Litany for Fearful Overeaters (with apologies to Frank Herbert),

Scale: 227.4

Movement in right direction continues to cheer me.

Yesterday:
Calories: 1074
Exercise: walking (flaked on the strength ones, so must face them TODAY, scared of stairs)
Mood: very peaceful and content
Hunger: minimal

I'm less "high on happy", but still feeling good. It's a tranquil sort of happy. I'm moving slowly and with pondering. My pondering told me that hot cakes sounded good for breakfast.

Okay, I've been eating almost 100% clean--eggs, egg whites, veggies galore, some fruit, lean meats, cheese, nuts, Greek yogurt, water. The only "unclean stuff" was my sucralose and the occasional low-carb, low-sugar nibbly treat. Some days, not even a single sweet nibble.

My WonderSlim hot cakes are low cal, lower carb, higher protein, but not "clean". Didn't care. Wanted hot cakes. So, I made a smaller portion of egg whites and veggies and had my hot cakes and my java and water, and it was gooooooooooooooooooooooooooood. And I feel very satisfied. Fewer than 300 calories. :D

Sooooo....Yeah....backtrack: I liked waking up today. It was slow and easy and some trailing dreams lingering in my eyes as I opened them. Nice dreams. I felt my body, as I do when I wake up, and it felt...smaller. The belly felt flatter. Okay, liking it. I got up naked and went to the mirror. Yeah, looks flatter. Boobies look flatter, too, but not going there. Tranquil, tranquil....

I like how my hands can lay on my torso when I lay on my back (and yes, I'm back to sleeping in my fave position, thank you weight loss). It's not trying to stretch over the fat barrel of my torso. My hands were comby. My elbows flush on the mattress at my waist. It was nice. Real nice.

Then I thought about the strength exercises and shuddered a bit. I've been putting them off.

I've seen blog entries lately on fear--fear of failure, fear of socializing, fear of dating, fear of one's own fat body, fear of the future.

I'm a champ at fear. I am a worry wart, an anxious Annabella. I have sabotaged myself over and over out of assorted fears, including fear of failure.

I almost didn't join the P4 challenge out of fear of 1200 calories and the exercises we'd have to do. Seriously, how defective am I?

I'm no longer afraid of 1200 calories, as I barely make it some days and don't even bother to try and make it others when eating has no allure.

Exercise is still a fear-generator. I have discovered that my hips are WORSE than I realized. My knees and right ankle--I knew those were crap, especially the L unstable knee. And while after age 49, I noticed increasing aches in my right hip, since losing weight and beginning walking and doing squats, I have come to the realization that my hips are really not so good. I have more mobility there since the fat has moved out of the way to some degree. (I have a lot less thigh and hip and pubic fat.)

My hips hurt EVERY DAY. When I walk, the first few minutes are painful, then things ease up.

I think the thing that may have happened (and this will be another subject to discuss with my ortho come the future appointment I will make when I'm ready to ratchet up activity and see if my knee has a fix) is that I damaged those hips through nearly 20 sedentary years. Years of sitting with little movement. Years of fat causing pressure on those joints--and abdominal obesity like mine has to be hard on that area, has to be! Years of deforming movement requiring the hips to be a way that's unnatural, unintended.

Well, the damage is done. But the fear remains. So, I brought back an old habit of mine from my teen years (when I was more risk-taking than now). I brought back the Litany of Fear.

Did you catch that reference? No??

Pity. You've missed one of the grandest reading experiences science fiction has to offer. My fave sci-fi novel: DUNE. I have read it at least 14 to 16 times since I was 16...the age at which I discovered it and my passion for this genre.

Here is the Litany of Fear, a chant used by characters to calm and center themselves when they were in dire situations:

"I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing...... Only I will remain."

 

I wish I had heeded this message fully when I was younger. I might have accomplished a lot more of what I wished to in life had I not been crippled by self-doubt, insecurity,  and fear.

One could easily rewrite it for a particular situation:

I will not fear lowering my calories...
I will face 1200 calories..
I will allow it to satisfy me, nourish me...
Where the extra calories and fear have gone, nothing will remain, only a slenderer me.


I will not fear stairwork....
Where the fear is gone, there will be nothing ...only I with stronger muscles.

I will not overeat.
Overeating is a mind and body killer.
Overeating is the little-death that brings the big-death sooner
I will allow the urge to overeat pass through me...
Only I will remain.


I will not fear the stressors and emotions that make me want to eat...
Stress is the mind killer....
I will let those feelings and fears and anxieties pass through me...
Only I, calm and centered and undefeated,  will remain.

Something like that.

This is part of my day today. Not fearing. Letting it pass through me. I will remain..and it will be a better, less anxious me. A stronger me.

I hope if you are, like me, one of those people riddled with self-doubt, fears, whatever: use the litany. If it  helps, why not?

And let's get over our fears --of giving up food luxuries for a while or forever, of moving a body that hasn't been used to movement of certain kinds (or any), of a changing body (not always for the best, as we saggy-skinners can attest post-weight loss), of a changing life.

Change can be scary. But change says LIFE. LIFE IS CHANGE. I wanna feel MORE alive.

Have a Well Wednesday. Eat soundly. Move . Drink clean water. Love yourself enough to change for health....