Sad things, bad things...and maybe I need to blog here again before my milestones get crushed to dust...and a Hurricane Sandy relief fundraiser for those of you who write fiction...

I got on the scale today and saw: 180 lbs.

I kid you not. I freaked a bit. Just a bit. Got off the scale, and went. OK....back to basics.

I have an appointment with the trainer (Pilates) on MOnday. I will consult with her on how to have a more affordable workout plan at the studio (meaning classes, which ones, when, etc). I'll be back to walking, since sitting and writing burns like zip calories.

I'm back to my organic coop. Picked up my first share and ready to eat fruits and veggies in abundance.

You know, I hit a low of 169.8 when I lost my appetite after hubby lost his job. That was early July. And then, it crept up. I got lazy. Things got in my diet that hadn't been in it for a while, such as sugar. Not huge quantities at first, just a taste here and there of, oh, chocolate marzipan.

And this is how the fat comes back, my dears. This is exactly how.

A scosh over 10 pounds higher in four months. Bit by bit. Creep by creep. A pound this week, a pound next week. No binges. Not a single binge. Just an extra serving here, and not measuring there, and sitting on my butt on the couch instead of moving and breathing hard and sweating.

So, I'm FIVE pounds away from being obese again FIVE. You know how easy that would be? Oh, snap. I could blink and it's here. Losing five pounds is hard, hard work. Gaining it just requires you do...nothing.

Okay, so 180 lbs today. A slap in the face. A reproach from the scale. A reality check. A failure.

I became a lazy ass again. I got lax.

But you know what can happen today? You do what's needful. You get back to what was done before. I did it for two years (the eating control) and I did it for 4 years (the exercising). So, I do it again. And again.

You start again. From right here. :)

I'm sad today, and I wept, and it wasn't because of my weight. I got over the freak and am fine about that. I know what to do, just have to stop being slothful.

What made me weep is that  a friend died. His wife is now a widow. His daughters are now fatherless. He had a congenital condition that no doubt contributed to the coma and eventual death--though doctors remain mystified. But he was younger than I am, one year younger. Because I am a person of a particular faith, I believe we will be hanging out together again one day, but his family's loss just makes me so, so sad.  And then it reminded me of my nephew, and his being gone, and well. It's been a weepy day.

Then I visit a couple of blogs, blogging and dieting pals from when I began this blog , and one is dealing with severe medical issues and severe regain. Another is having a personal life upheaval, and severe regain. One has lost worldly possessions, and is probably regaining. One has a hubby with cancer, with a slight regain.

But in all these cases, the regain is the least of it, right? It's peanuts compared to the rest. Because, really, when it's about serious health issues or serious relationship problems or major disaster upheavals or ...DEATH...weight pales in comparison. It hurts and it sickens and it frustrates, but it's far worse to lose the ones we love, whether we lose them (or being with them) due to grave illness, mental issues, divorce, or whatever.

Weight matters. But other things matter more.

This is putting things in perspective. I'm not down and weepy today because I regained. I'm down because a good guy is gone from this place and his family is heartbroken and irrevocably changed. Someone who worked hard to be healthy to overcome what could not be intrinsically fixed. But he's still gone early.

To Beth. Keep the hope, hold on. To Karen: keep the faith, hold on, believe in miracles. To Big A: I know you'll be fine, cause you're one tough mother,  but don't let the stress make you lose what you gained with so much hard work.  You have the most precious things safe, the rest will come back. Jo: what can I say? Be strong for yourself and for him, and believe.

I hope y'all praying folks out there will keep these bloggy pals in mind.

I have no excuse, see? These folks have serious things going on right now, not I.My time came before-- job losses, disaster damages (of a MUCH MUCH slighter sort than A's major smack from nature), health crises, and the worst, deaths-- and my time will come again, cause that's life. Shit happens. Then sunshine. Shit happens again, then sunshine. Repeat, repeat. Die.

Yes, I have things intrinsically defective about me, but all I have to do is look back on this blog to when I was doing the needful things. The things I need to do again. I HAVE NO EXCUSE.

Nearly two years ago on this blog, when I was 53 or so pounds heavier than I am now,  I wrote that the reason I needed to do it--lose weight, get healthier-- was because "' time is running out."

Guess what, I have even less time than when I first put this  image on my blog:

Time moves on, even if we sit still and get nothing done about what we want related to, well,whatever--fat, fitness, work goals, personal relationship goals, spiritual goals.

Whatever it is you and I want to change, we only have RIGHT NOW. You have no guarantees, neither do I, that we have the next hour or next day or next year. A hurricane can hit a big city and take away a home, a car, a loved one. A plague. A cancer. A car accident. Anything can happen. This moment right now is all you know you have.

Wanna do something in your life? I know I want to, and I'm a procrastinater by nature. If it's tough, I wanna do it...later.

You better do it now.

Me, too.

And I guess I better get back to my weigh-ins and accountability. I want this happy weight "after" to stay happy. :D

Be well, my dears. And if you have a moment, pray grace and comfort over the Dorta family.

ADDENDUM:  This is for those of you who are writing novels and might desire feedback from established/published authors (these are CBA authors, Christian fiction). There is a fundraiser underway. Get a published author to critique first 50 pages of your work. You'll have to bid. Here is the information.  All proceeds go to Hurricane Sandy relief via Samaritan's Purse (I remember they did really good aid work after H. Rita). My church has gathered money and supplies and sent folks up north to help out, including folks to do manual labor. We're one nation, so yeah, we should help out, right?

Praying for ya, Miss April!

I finally had a nice, calm space of time and the mood to read some of my bloggy pals whose blogs I had missed catching up with, and, whoa, I noticed Miss April of 30 by 30 blog went private. I emailed her, and then did some googling. And I found this explanation.

Oh, bummer. Bad stuff happening.

Sorry, April. God's healing blessings on James and peace and calm from Heaven prayed down for YOU.

I hope you are back soon. Your lovely voice will be missed by many, I'm sure. Your strong and loving spirit will bring James through to health again, I know!

I hope the other wonderful blogging fatfighters out there are thriving. Happy Friday!

My First Day Back to Finding Some Normality Again...random stuff, including some food stuff, some scary stuff, some weepy stuff, some spiritual stuff, some transformational stuff, wonderful stuff

I slept until I felt rested. Nice.

I weighed in, to get back in the habit: 187.6
New Low: Nice. And that with having two starch servings with dinner (boiled yuca with EVOO and garlic and 1/2 cup rice).

I had brown rice with breakfast. I guess that's my starch serving for today.

I prayed: Felt calm. I was bawling again last night (worried about sis' health), so this was a good feeling.

It had been a long time since I felt strong leadings from God or had anything like a vision, and I've had two this past month. I don't doubt that just the intensity of one's feelings, the extent of prayer time, and the more time spent in pondering spiritual things puts one in a more receptive mode. Perhaps, yes?

A call from someone from a very good company looking to see if hubby was interested. Interesting, but worrisome. I don't want to move away from family. This company has several locations in North America, and none are in the South Florida area. Hm. Mixed feelings here.

I have so much to do here--I'm talking seriously a ton of stuff that's frightening me, it's so overwhelming-- in order to position us to move, should that become necessary.

I've lived in the Eastern time zone all my life. ALL MY LIFE. I've never traveled out of it, unless Puerto Rico/St. Thomas counts. To be in Canada or California,etc, the very idea feels freaky. I'm so an "Eastern" gal. And now such a Florida gal. And really, such a Miami gal. It's just weird to imagine being someplace else. I'm praying NOT to have to be someplace else. But am trying to become more flexible, just in case.

I'm not feeling vexed at all these days about food. The temptations came daily and I fought them off. I didn't have a strict enough caloric count to lose much, but I felt really in control. It's a strange new feeling. I want to hold on to that for my whole life. I really like feeling NOT dominated by food desires. Feeling like I am becoming the master (mistress?) of my appetite.

I found the comments on this blog post really interesting. The complicated stuff around losing and keeping weight off, what is the best way to eat, etc, is endlessly interesting to me. I know part of my journey this time is learning what my body likes and can handle. What is optimum, and what is livable...  It's gotta be lifelong, and while some scoff at eating in a way NOW while losing that is livable for life, I think it's a rational way to proceed. I have to diet forever. It's just how it is. I want it to be enjoyable and nutritious, but not...obsessive. That's the path I am trying to forge...so far, so good. But since "pride goeth before a fall", I keep my eyes and ears and heart and mind open to new information and science and psychology and want to be a learner. Learn what's the latest, but adapt it to what "I" need to make it work.

I'm not panicking. I'm not anxiety-ridden (as I normally would be). Death puts other changes in a huge new perspective, a different context.

Anyway, I called hubby and asked if he'd be home in time to walk. Answer: yes.

Restarting old habits.

And...

New starts for new habits.

Today: A new day. "I will rejoice and be glad in it"...as much as I can.

Be well.

Update: Tragic

Sorry. I'm just not mentally able to be here daily....

My beloved nephew died Saturday. He never regained consciousness after his kidneys failed, the cardiac arrest, the coma...

My sister and the rest of us are heartbroken and, well...it sucks.

The memorial is tomorrow.

I have spent all my time at the hospital or with the sis. I did stay home today to catch up on sleep, have clean clothes for the memorial service, pay bills, take vitamins and eat regular food so I don't get sick from stress, etc.

I have been unable to exercise, but I did resist the endless array of Cuban traditional and junk food (cheese and guava pastries, fried meat patties, battered-fried steak, ham croquettes, arroz imperial, pork rinds, sugary coffee drinks) and American junk food (KFC, McDs) that people came around with. I took veggie platters and fruit&cheese trays and carried my nut butters/protein bars and sugar-free beverages.  I battled the insane desire to devour croissants by the dozen or jump into a vat of macaroni and cheese soup every time I got decaf coffee and salads at the hospital's Au Bon Pain. It was tough--I had raging comfort food cravings. I resisted. I have not gained weight.

Some relatives who came from out of town or hadn't seen me in a year did not recognize me. Walked right by  or saw me sitting right there and still asked, "Where's Mirtika?"  Others asked for diet advice. A lot. I got that a lot. It's very disconcerting, I've found, to be wildly complimented over and over when you are breaking down into tears all the time. But, I know it was kindly meant.

Today, after getting some needed rest and sleeping finally free of stress nightmares, I had a calm appetite return.Tomorrow's post-memorial family feast will be dealt with. I got through the worst. If I can NOT stress-eat at this awful time, clearly, I've changed. I can deal with any sort of food crap sitting for hours in front of my face. I wish I hadn't had to learn that, though, not like this.

I don't know when I'll check in again...cause I really need to be with family and my sis now (no computer/wi-fi at her house, she's a 70 year old tech-phobe). Fortunately, we're a close family, and we don't have to mourn solo....there's dozens of folks in and out, bringing comfort. It's at this time you are grateful the previous generation reproduced mightily.

I hope everyone out there is well. Please continue to hold and kiss and appreciate your loved ones while they are here. Take nothing for granted. Tomorrow--or the next minute--is not guaranteed.

And get healthy. For them.

Thank you for your kind comments and thank you for your prayers. He is with God now, my nephew, but I am so grateful for your comforting words and thoughts on our behalf. Please pray for my sister and BIL , who have the haunted eyes of parents who--like most parents-- never expected to have to bury their son.

Later...

Remembering a Day of Tears, Anticipating the Days Without Tears

I don't want to feel what I felt on 9-11 of 2001. I don't want to feel how I felt the bleak weeks after. It's too awful and I am already tearing up typing this.

There's a painting by an artist I like a lot--Melanie Weidner--that LOOKS like how I FELT that day 9 years ago. It's called "Willing to Weep."  (at left)  (She has a lot of hope-inspiring work, so visit her online gallery if you're feeling really down over this day's memories.)

Broken. Cracked in the heart. Spilling out. Psychically damaged. Unable to function.

We waste a lot of life and lives hating. They hate us. We hate them. They kills us. We kill them. Young people snuffed out. Men and women, babies and old people--they all suffer because we humans have a propensity for violence, distrust, misunderstandings, jealousies, greed, lust, and ...hate.

Fortunately, we also saw on that bleak day and on those bleak weeks and months and years after the fall of the towers and loss of thousands of innocent lives that people can also be courageous, unselfish, compassionate, generous, merciful, and hopeful. And resilient.

We can learn and move on.

But that day, and those weeks, and these past years, have left scars on our soil, in our hearts, and in our minds--and even on the bodies of some who survived. We can still weep. This is a good thing. To forget is not always wise. To be unable to cry is...to be dead. To hope and long for healing and progress is to be alive.

On the anniversary of every painful event in my life, my favorite Bible verse comforts me. It keeps me looking to a better day, when all these terrible things will be a shadow left behind, a memory erased, because there is no room for hate or evil or bombs or wars in the World To Come. I asked them to read it at my mom's funeral 6 years ago, and I am thinking of it today as we remember the awful events, the awful sufferings, the terrible massacre that happened 9 years ago today:

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

--Revelation 21:4

Maybe that can comfort you, too.

Go comfort someone today in some way, small or large, via words or hugs or smiles or a note or by painting something for someone or by singing a song to someone or by a donation to a charity that assists the victims of war-torn lands and lands oppressed by the hate-filled and tyrannous . Pray that those who lost loves ones that day have comfort today. Pray that those who have lost loved ones in battles that followed 9-11 and continue to this day are comforted. Give comfort...and you get it.

Until our tears are wiped away forever....