Day 3 of P5: Using Regret as a Spur (or Carrot, take your pick) so I have a better tomorrow, if not the ideal that could have been; and deciding I need to stop commenting today for all our sakes!

Scale is steady. Happens after a whoosh, so I'm fine. :)

Got a lot to do today, so not feeling much like blogging, but I did visit a few blogs to comment. Decided I better stop, as I was starting to be, well, a bit tactless, perhaps. :-/

It's not that I feel mean or anything, or that I'm PMS (no more of that here); but I notice I was just being too blunt, a bit less gentle, and for comments, this is not necessarily a good thing.

So, forgive me if I offended y'all; nothing wicked was meant by it. One situation did anger me, and I got all defensive.

Sometimes, I do feel "defensive" for other challengers; sometimes, I feel really worried for folks living in their obese rationalizations/delusions. We all were (or still are sometimes) there to some degree. It doesn't help. We need to leave some crap behind if we're to get healthy and stay healthy. It's a helluva hard journey. Blinders off, but not compassion, yes?

Okay, eating's been great. Appetite's been fine, nice and mellow. Muscle-building going on. Water getting downed.

I watched one of my fave J-Rock vids today. Again. For like the 20th time since I first saw it a couple months or so ago. I love the inclusion of capoeira "dancers-fighters" in contrast to the slick-cute J-band members.  Ranbu no Melody (Savage Melody or Wild Melody in translation).

I look at those amazingly toned, exquisitely lean, beautifully agile and flexible male bodies and think: I fricken wasted my damn "body life". I did want to do dance lessons as a kid, but we were pretty darn poor and who had money for such things? Living in the "ghetto" and mom working extra to pay for Catholic school and medical expenses for a sickly kid, who had moolah for ballet?

I wish I could travel back. I'd want to do something really tough on the body. Get strong and "cut" and lean back when my joints hadn't been damaged by years of morbid obesity. Back when my pancreas wasn't driven to exhaustion. When my adrenals and connective tissue hadn't been shocked by decades of corticosteroids. Maybe it would have changed things significantly? Dunno.

I use that regret to spur me on today. It made me put on my workout clothes and get my new sneaks (nice pair of Asics that arrived yesterday) and go out and do what I can NOW.

I want to get to a more normal weight and, if money allows (and maybe I'll have to budget like mad or cut back on Pilates to make it happen), I'd like hubby and I to take up something we can do together that's consistent and ACTIVE. We've talked about aikido and kendo. We've talked about taiko (those drum classes are tough, with calisthenics and stretching before hand, and hours of near non-stop drumming. I know. We've tried them. Was sore for a week and could barely use my arms and fingers.)

Since we both are into Japanese culture, it seems like something like kendo or aikido will be most likely. The other possibility--which hubby has done in the past--is Gracie style JiuJitsu. It may be too tough for us oldies with our issues.

But I want to see possibilities. I cannot recapture my youth. I cannot get back an undamaged body. BUT...I can do WHAT I CAN DO.

Every day. Do a bit more. Try harder. Work more courageously to get a body that isn't a bearer of regrets for what I did not do when I could have.

I already have made progress. I can walk faster when I'm out and about. I can carry oodles of groceries. I can get into more flexible positions in whoopsie. I have more energy. I can do my toenails without problems. I can park far in a parking lot without dread. In fact, I'll do that on purpose to get more activity in. I do not fear stairs like I used to. My knees still hate them, but less weight and more muscle means I can actually climb them. :)

Progress is motivational. Progress removes bits of the regrets embedded in my flesh...

So, today, don't do anything you will regret. Don't overeat. Don't "not" exercise. Don't lack faith in your ability to transform. Don't rationalize that "extra helping" or crap food item. It's not worth it. Eat the healthful food in modest portions and drink your water/fluids. Move. Rest. Believe...

That's what I will focus on today. WHAT I CAN DO to allow me to do what I WANT TO DO!

The fat's gotta go....

Here's the video I mentioned, and the translation in English of the lyris can be found HERE:

Face the Truth Friday: 54 pounds down, waiting for those DNA results, still wheezy, still motivated, but more cravings this week...and begging the Young and the Fat to face their truths ASAP!

245.0

That's 54 pounds down from my highest (without clothes, at home) back in 2004. My highest at my primary care doc's office was 303, with shoes, clothes, some water intake. So, I think my scale at home was pretty accurate.

I weighed 267 on the first day of January of this year, so 22 lbs lost so far this year. My best year's lost since, well, years. 

The truth I'm facing: It finally feels like it's my time to do this weight loss thing. I know, all dieters have done this over and over and over, especially if you've been overweight since your twenties and are now looking at AARP age just ahead. But I've never felt calmer and less fumbling and uneasy eating less. I've never felt less binge-prone.

That's not to say it's easy. When craving hit--and they have this week--it's a battle. The battle is shorter than in times past. I am succeeding more in saying no to myself than in times past. But it's still a hard thing. I am a bit worried about the bounty of Thanksgiving dinner, but I just say to myself, I'll cope. I'll manage. I'll get it done. And it doesn't feel like some big fat lie. I feel as if it's possible. :)

What cravings? Chocolate. Last night I wanted it bad, and no, I didn't want high protein chocolate shakes or puddings. I wanted chocolate. So, I had a few sugar-free chocolate covered almonds (don't affect blood sugar to set up more cravings, and I saw more than one comment from those in ketosis--which I'm not--who ate these and stayed in ketosis). It was hard to stop at half a serving (and as you may guess, a serving of anything with nuts is miniscule), but I did. Earlier in the week I was having crazy pizza cravings. I got the stuff to make it at home, but the craving passed (for now).  I also get frequent cravings for salty chips and salsa. Sometmes, I can cure that with a high protein salty snack. Sometimes, I just have to wait it out. 

And I keep noticing that on my SparkPeople Nutrition tracker, I show greater losses on the morning after days when I eat high-fat, lower carb, normal protein. I don't know if that's a function of water loss from the lower carb (and I notice this even if my salt intake is higher and calorie level is unchanged from the norm on this challenge) or that my body handles that combination better due to Metabolic Syndrome (I have a book by an endocrinologist I got in the 90's when I was diagnosed with Syndrome X, now called Metabolic Syndrome, that recommends a higher fat diet). 

I am still waiting for the results of my DNA test for optimal 'diet type' for my body. Another week or two, I guess. I am eager to see how it jives with what I'm seeing (ie, I do better on lower carb, higher fat, middling to higher protein).

I will say to those younger fatties out there: Get it done. Read the books. Drink the water. Follow the blogs. See a cognitive therapist. Join a group. Write a journal. Start a blog. Sign up with a trainer. Do whatever it takes to get it off while you are young and your flesh is elastic and you can develop good eating habits for life. Do it NOW. If you procrastinate like I have, you will regret it. I promise you: YOU WILL REGRET IT.

Your metabolism when you're young, your energy, your joint health...all that helps. If you let yourself stay fat you will damage a lot of stuff and that damage will not go away: skin will not return to snugness, knees will not regenerate, arteries may or may not unclog, liver may or may not heal.

Do it now. Face that truth today. However you must do it, do it aggressively before you hit middle age or old age. It only gets HARDER with age and entrenched habits.  Save your own life.