Weight Milestones--when you get to a memory point

Many blogs ago, here and on my old blog, I had talked about weight milestones, those numbers that had special significance. Sometimes, the milestone was about crossing obesity/weight levels: not being severely morbidly obese, not being morbidly obese, not being obese, etc.

Sometimes, it's because we REMEMBER being a certain weight, with all the accompanying nostalgia/events. I remember being 172. I remember my skin being tauter Ya don't lose 127 lbs without serious loose skin issues. I remember doing aerobics and yoga at this weight. I remember doing low-fat/high carb (oodles of pasta). I remember wearing white shorts and a white tank when working out at home. I was 26 or so. Young!

This 172 is 52. It's got saggy, crinkly skin from big weight loss. It has less energy than 26 year old 172.

I remember wishing I was slimmer and reading diet books at 172. Dissatisfied with my body, though not horribly so. Just discontent.

Now, I see 172 differently. It's inevitable. Get to 300 lbs and 172 seems like a dream come true. It is a dream come true. Only it's an imperfect dream, because there are consequences, there is aging, there is, right now, all the anxiety and stress that I'm dealing with that saps joy.

So, it was emotional when I stepped on the scale. 172. One of those weights that had meaning and memories attached, for whatever reason the brain holds on to such matters.

I suspect all of us who dieted or watched weight have milestone numbers in mind, numbers from the past that aren't just numbers, but have clear feelings and states of mind and visual memories attached to the number.

Do you?

Last Day of the Spawn of SoDDDY Challenge: Feel Like CRAP! But Tomorrow Starts Phase 4. OMG. I Am Such A Freaking Wuss! Reading Jackie Warner's Book for Motivation/Information, and so here's a Jackie Quote on GOALS, plus A WW Motivational Calendar (And You Don't need to be in WW to benefit), and the New Year is ON, People, and I've got GOALS! GOALS!!!!

I would strongly recommend you not eat salty foods two days in a row, even if you're eating at goal-level calories. Not just cause the scale hates it:

235.4

But also cause you'll feel like caca when you wake up after 4 hours sleep (for the record, due to my particular health issues, my normal sleep is 9 to 10 hours. If I get less than 7, I feel it. If I get less than 5, I am someone you'd rather not be around. Seriously. Urp. I actually feel queasy. Bleh.

What a difference from my energy and vim just a few days ago. Of course, some cleaning agents I used after getting up (sink needed strong cleanser and I did the mirrors and dishes) didn't help with the whole queasy.

This is the last day of Spawn. I'm planning to eat closer to my goal calories. I need to get some of my green smoothies and more fruit in to try and debloat from all that sodium I feasted upon for two days running.

I am scared of PHASE IV. I am a weenie and there it is. Face the fear! Hah! I need to think of myself as tough, a warrior, able. But when I think: "1200 calories and more exercise", something inside me starts knocking its knees and trembling all over.

I'll deal. Or you'll just have to help me deal with lots of "Just do it, dammit, woman" comments. :)

I sent my starting weight to Allan for Phase 4: 235
(rounded number per his request)

If you want to see just how serious I got in the latter half of this year, here are my New Year's Day Weights (rounded) for 2008-2011:

2008: 275
2009: 278
2010:  267
2011:  235

One of these New Year's is not like the others....right?

In 2007, it was in the 280's, though I don't have the exact number right now (can't find those old calendars).

I bought the Jackie Warner book and started reading it last night.

Her plan isn't specifically 1200 calories in the book, so I want to see the packet to know how to shop. I'm worried about what's excluded, cause I have a boatload of food in the house and don't want it to go to waste. I'm not talking about candy and stuff, but FOOD that I've eaten on my plan so far since June. We'll see..

.I'm assuming it's safe to buy veggies, fruits, and foods recommended in the book (oatmeal, eggs, beans, lean cuts of meat and poultry--as I can't eat seafood--Greek yogurt, low fat cheese). The plan in her book has 5 clean eating days and weekends with 2 treat meals of no more than 1500 calories with the other meals in the day "clean".

It actually looks like a nice plan, but definitely NOT a lot of food for those of us used to, say 1600 calories or so..or more. But the meal plans are simple (for those not keen on a lot of kitchen stuff). I'm enjoying the book--the parts I've read.

Next topic: Here are some goodies from OTHER bloggers:

Go visit a newly RESOLVED Ann and see how you can set up sensible, action-oriented goals like her.

Interestingly, this cool WW Motivational Calendar for January has today as a goal-setting day: http://www.freewebs.com/thewwchick/January%202011%20calendar.pdf   This is today's quote:

"Set a goal today. It doesn't have to be for an entire year, or a month, or even a week. Set a goal you can achieve."

Thanks, Heather, for the calendar month of motivation.

Here's a quote on goals--the subject of the day,huh?-- from the lady on the far left of the Phase IV Badge (go to http://almostgastricbypass.blogspot.com to see it, as I won't post it until tomorrow when the challenge starts):

Self-esteem comes from setting small daily goals and achieving them.
I like to set one large long-term goal and then several easy short term goals that are attainable.

When it comes to health and fitness, good short term goals are things like making to sure to drink three liters of water a day (burns 75-100 calories); eating one more vegetable and fruit a day (to speed up the metabolism); switching from processed foods to organic; and replacing factory farmed meats and dairy to free range and hormone free.

Most people I know don’t get up and exercise because they love to.
They do it because they know how good they’ll feel afterward.

It’s the same with setting those big goals.

Once you’ve hit them, you know it’s something that no one can ever take away from you.

 Read the rest of her quote at MIZFITONLINE in her entry titled "Jackie Warner Says...".

My weight goals:

~~I've set the goal to aim to follow the Phase 4 Challenge's 1200 calorie, healthful living /eating plan with the assigned exercise (I have no idea what the plan is yet, we don't have it. Freak-out to come.) 1200 calories a day. Ouch.

~~I will post my weight on the blog ONCE A WEEK, not daily. I think that may just be a tad silly for me. So, whatever day is the weigh-in for the Challenge, that's when I'll do it for the blog.

~~I will log my food intake on Sparkpeople.com daily (which I've pretty much done religiously since we started this series of challenges in October.

~~I will continue to ingrain daily the water/fluid habit.

~~I will do one motivating thing every day, be it read a motivating blog, book, article, or say a motivating affirmation, or sing a motivating song, or dance the dance of motivation, or write a poem that motivates me, or blog a motivating blog, or read a motivating Scripture, or ask a perfect stranger to holler something motivational at me. Whatever.  EVERY DAY. ONE MOTIVATING ACTION, MINIMUM.

~~MY BIG GOAL: I've set the goal to make this the year I get UNDER 200 lbs. This is a beyond-huge milestone for me, physically and psychologically. If I make it down to 185 (and Allan's expert-guided plan promises to do this if we are diligent and faithful), expect an all-out party here in Princess Land. Oh, yeah, baby. That's when I'd stop being OBESE.

~~I have other non-dieting/fitness goals, but don't need to share those here. The weight one is priority one, and the others secondary. Cause a healthier me will make the others MORE possible, period. If I can conquer the fat monster that has plagued me for decades, damn, I can conquer anything. That's my view. So, onto Giant Killing...

Link me up to your plan of action/goals. You blogged about em, yes?

Happy Sunday, people. Think: It's already the second day of a new year. How time flies, yes?

See you tomorrow.

Day 15 Spawn of SoDDDY Challenge: The deliciousness of fatty Cobb salad convenience, a few chilly glimpses of eclipse, and amazement at the self-sabotage all around us while I have a full-on rant about holiday food nuttiness....

Anyone watch the eclipse? I used to be a real avid skywatcher (got my first telescope when I was 13 and it was love with the stars/planetss/etc thereafter). I used to stay out all night to watch meteor showers and stay through the duration of eclipses, but in the neighborhood we're in now, I don't feel safe out at night in the yard, so my skywatching is curtailed. I did catch bits of it as I went in and out in the chilly night. Lovely. The full eclipse phase was particularly beautiful with the rusty-dark moon in shadow and all around it the most beautiful stars of winter--Orion, Taurus, Canis Major...  I mean, it was a bejewelled display with that smoky red lunar stone as the centerpiece. I hope you caught some of it.

Yesterday, my calories made it to  1569 (42/36/22 ratio, too much fat). Made the water and then some. Had low hunger until later in the day, when appetite came back.

Holding at 238.0.

I gotta say that I could get addicted to that Ready Pac Cobb Salad I picked up at Publix. What caught my eye as I was shopping for produce was the big 290 (for the calories) on the label. Of course, those calories were heavy on the fat! But man, so tasty. It was a crazy flavor bomb in my mouth. If you're watching fat, stay away. If you're low-carbing, this baby is insanely yummy for about 300 cals and super-duper convenient for take-to-work type lunches (if you have a fridge or cooler to keep them in, I guess).

Speaking of fatty deliciousness: What's with all the cinnamon rolls, cookies, pies, cakes, and assorted crap my blogging compatriots are indulging in? Seriously, reading our challenge leader's post today echoed what was in my own brain.

I'm hardly the epitome of any sort of really self-deprivation type dieting, but the last thing me, a conditioned overeater, should be doing at ANY holiday is baking up a bunch of all-out butter/sugar/carb-bombs to tempt the hell out of everyone around us.

First off: We obese overeaters should never be baking a bunch of crap for us or anybody. It's counter-productive for us and it's not good for them. Trust me. Kids, no matter how active and lean, don't need to eat half a dozen cookies and a slice of cheesecake just cause it's a holiday. What? Do we want them to be fat, too, and struggle like we do?

Second: How many can really avoid the temptation? For real...

Third: Do we wanna addict another generation to eating tons of sweets/treats and connecting those with love/holiness and they get to pig-out seasonally as well?

I understand that there are holiday traditions and they have meanings beyond mere taste. Emotions, nostalgia...bonds.

But I've seen a couple bloggers who are not just baking one junk food item that has meaning (and if it's loaded with butter/oil/sugar/flour/carbs or a combination thereof, yes, it's junk). It's an uberfest of baking and frying. Does any family need dozens and dozens of items that strain the pancreas and fatten the belly?

I know my family feast will have certain traditional items--quite a lot sanely nutritious, with actual protein and fiber and vitamins and minerals and spices and good stuff, and quite a lot that are pure trash in the nutrition/dieting-aid dept. I have no clue as to what specifically most of the guests will bring. I can only be certain of a few things, and what I bring, natch.

So, while  accept that the holiday is usually just ONE day (maybe more, but generally the big feasting falls on ONE day), and it's not a horrible thing to enjoy the special foods on that one day, even enjoy more than one's diet-level caloric allotment (here I differ from some other dieting bloggers, and that's fine, the world is not full of automatons, but individuals) in order to bask in those memories/bonds/emotions; why is it that there is a week or two weeks or three weeks of eating all the accompanying crap?

Are we just looking for that excuse to overeat? "Well, it's the season. Let's have another cookie! Let's break open that pie! Let's fry up some churros and hit it with some cocoa made with butter! Just like grandma used to make!"

I dunno. I do think we just want a reason to go nuts and totally lose logic about what's sane treat-enjoyment. I mean, we got this fat cause we AREN'T sane about food. And this is like this retro-trip back to an all out vacation to the Land of --and this is Beth's term, but it fits, and if you hate cuss words, look away and skip to the next paragraph-- Food Fuckery.

Part of me is worried that I will fall into the FF pit, because everyone around me seems happy to dig the pit and stock it with candy cane spikes.

Um, if you have fat people in your family, stop with the baking already, stop with the frying and overloading fridges and finding ways to show love with food. Can we show love with something else? Cause with little kids getting diabetes, the idea of a month of candy canes, sugar cookies, pumpkin pies, caramel popcorn, chocolate truffles, spice cakes, donuts, funnel cakes, churros, and what-not is like saying, "Yes, die sooner. Fewer Christmasses, but we'll die in a happy sugar-fat haze."

Oh, man, I went overboard. Sorry. I just worry about myself and all the obese--and there are LOTS of them--younger folks in my family. Lots of us are HUGE, HUUUUUUUUUGE, and the pies, cakes, and crap will be on display like a trough to get us into our caskets sooner.

Christmas has a lot more about it, going for it, special about it that doesn't have calories. With our weight issues in the US, it's time to find new, non-fattening ways to say, 'I love you. Merry Christmas."

And if that came across mean, sorry. I'm more distressed and worried than mean. Oh, well.

On to another day of taming the food demons. Make it a great Tuesday, k?

Sick o' da Scale And Angry at My Wonky Immune System....

Well, my eating this week has been between 1400 and 1800 cals.

And the scale is not budging.

And I'm really sick of that.

Well, okay, fine, deep breath.

I don't wanna stress and set off  a binge. Staying calm. :)

Tested my allergy to oranges by having one with breakfast. It was soo good. I used to eat or drink oranges every breakfast for years, then got really sensitized. So, I stopped having them for MONTHS now. Well, within an hour, I had a rashy patch on my arm and my skin felt prickly. So much for the test.

Had a ton of veggies yesterday. Like 4 servings at lunch (had low cal veggie soup from a gourmet deli and I added some of their pasta fagiole to up the fiber, then I added in some of the diet cabbage soup from same deli cause I like cabbage).  I was gonna have spinach salad, but ended up adding the handful of cabbage into the soup. Nice. With a sprinkle of parmesan and coconut water (for my BP and to balance the salt in the soup)--lunch.

Protein shake snack.

Late afternoon hot tea with 60 cals of protein cinnamon pretzels.

At dinner, I had a biggish salad with my chicken and lentil-rice (yeah, I let the carbs in, sigh.)  It had chopped tomato, peppers, onions, and a lot of herbs on top. Really nice with the lemony vinaigrette. I freely confess I gave into having too much rice and chicken.

Late evening snack: protein hot cocoa and three 15 calorie low-carb biscotti.

I saw some gorgeous seafood on a blog and have such a craving. I haven't been able to have seafood since December 1997. Yep, nearly 13 years. In Miami, where everywhere you turn has seafood, where you can go buy fish fresh off the fishing boats at various locales, it's torture. TORTURE.  But going to the ER in anaphylaxis ain't no picnic....so, no fish for me. No shrimp or scallops. I weep.

Dieting was so easy back when I could eat seafood. Shrimp and scallops and fillets (my fave used to be corvina, but any flaky, light-fleshed fish made me happy) are so easy to cook for a doofus-in-da-kitchen like me. And I loved it. And with some garlic and lemon and parsley, good to go. Low cal protein. I miss that ease.

And I miss tuna salads and sandwiches for lunch. A lot. Used to be my 2x a week lunch.


Today is organic co-op pick-up. Valencia oranges are on the list. I guess I better give them away. I'm allergic. Hubby has rosacea that blooms with citrus.

I love oranges. I love seafood. I can't have either.

I'm a bit mad about this today. I'm resenting my defective body.

Yeah, I better go distract myself from self-directed anger....