Still Down a bit; Still Up A Bit; Time for Maintenance; and Working to Transition to Creative Project While Not Losing all Weight Loss Habits...

I'm at 180.0.
I'm still feeling down and apathetic.
I have barely left my house in the last 3.5 weeks.
I haven't gotten together with family since Mother's Day.

Yes, this is not good and this does not make me happy.

That I'm not right back into obesity (ie, 185+ pounds for me) is a miracle. Some good habits have held, thank God. But they can slip so easily. So easily. I see an extra portion here and there. Days with hardly any movement.

On the plus side:

I walked day before yesterday, 25 minutes, at night to counter my heat intolerance. It was nice, if a little scary: I live in a high crime area, so walking at night solo is a risk.

I marched in place yesterday for 15 minutes and did some stretches. I managed a teaser on my yoga a few times. So, I was happy.  Even late last year, I couldn't do that.

One of my reasons for losing weight was to improve my health and focus so I could tackle writing again. For those who haven't been reading my blogs for years, I used to write (poetry, fiction--both short and novel length-- and edit for online SF mags).  I won a few contests, started networking with fellow writers, and then had two editors from two publishing houses I was targeting ask to see my manuscript. Both were enthusiastic. Both contacted me; I did not contact them. They'd seen my chapter and were excited.

I freaked. All my neuroses went on hyper. I stopped being able to write. Blocked. It's been five years now. My fear overtook me.

So, getting healthy was about overcoming my blocks and compulsions, but I needed health to do that. So tackling my weight was the big #1 project to open doors to the things I want to do before I die. Like organize my life/home/finances. Like travel. Like socialize like normal folks, instead of being an urban hermint. Like write. And not just write ONE thing. Make writing a part of my life. Earn money doing it. :)

I've pretty much accepted that my body doesn't want to go lower than this maintenance range I've been in for more than 7 months. The sacrifices in burning calories and lowering food intake are not feasible for me. We all come to conclusions about what we are WILLING to do, willing to suffer, willing to put out for an outcome.

I'm not willing to sacrifice more for a slimmer physique.

This is it. I have hit the wall and the wall is okay. I am not unhappy at this weight. As long as I don't slack on exercising--like I have with this depression--as long as I get back to consistent working out, I can live well here. 178 to 181 is not a range that disgusts me.

I accept it.

If later, I want to tackle it strongly again, I'll reconsider. But mentally and physically, I seem to have hit the place where eating modestly (1600 calories) and working out without feverishness has settled me.

I am content, if not deleriously pleased. :)

I want to move on to the other big projects. Organization and Creating with Words.

I can't give the last 20 lbs my undivided focus when I have to move forward. Time is fleeting. I can live at this weight. So, I will now focus on MAINTENANCE. I may have to shift to another blog name, since I am no longer focused on hitting 160 by Sept 3. I am focused on maintaining this range I've been maintaining (177 to 181 or so) while doing the other projects.

How this transition will happen, blog-wise, I'm not sure. I may rename this one, or open another blog. But I need to move on to finding my writing and organization mojo (they are linked, in my mind).

With the iffiness of hubby's employment situation--his company is doing big layoffs--organization and financial revamping becomes even more key. We may have to move cross-country. Who knows? Hope not, but preparation can't hurt. Just in case.  I want to think of it as an adventure, and fight my neuroses telling me it's panic time.

I'm hoping FERVENTLY that my creative brain didn't decay too much through disuse these last 5 years. If I created something that interested editors in 2006 and 2007, then I can do it again. I hope. :D  It will take months to get back into writer mode. I start..today!

There ya go. This is where I am. Moving along to Projects 2 (and 3).  Yep. This one panel comic says it for me:

Be well...

Day 58 of Phase 5: Inclement Weather, Poetry Month, Poetic Ultimate Fantasy Yo-Yo Diet, And A Spur o' Da Moment Diet Haiku...Cause Along with Finding My Inner Non-Fatty, I Need to Reconnect With My Inner Christina Rossetti....

It's been ugly up in da sky. Walking may have to be nixed. Well, outdoor walking (which I really like now). Indoor walking is always possible with Ms. Sansone. So, that may be my default today.

I so love the rustle of palm fronds. That's the best thing this lousy weather has offered today. Well, and the lawn and flowers like moisture. :)

April showers...yep. That's today.

April is also National Poetry Month. And reading poetry on rainy days is...well...perfect, yes?

I find it sad that poetry is not appreciated as it should be. I have had amazing transcendent moments reading poetry. There are certain things that can put me in that transcendent state--prayer, music, intense bursts of love-feelings, and beautiful passages of literature. Poetry, by virtue of its specific qualities and emphases (rhythm, alliteration, assonance, arrangement, rhyme, half-rhyme, even SHAPE) is the type of literature most prone to do whatever it is that happens int he human brain that takes you to that glimmering, timeless transcendent experience.

I don't know why it happens, what connections within the brain tissue, what neural firings, what levels of memories and feelings, but some poems bring me as close to orgasm as it gets without being physically touched.

And even when I don't reach transcendence, I can get an immense pleasure just from things beautifully stated and gorgeously arranged.

So, yeah, I like poetry. :)

I used to write it often and, if I do say so myself, and as some others (published and award-winning poets) have said, not too shabbily. But I stopped writing poetry several years ago. And I stopped writing my fiction 3 years ago. And I don't like that this happened. But it did. Something in me shut down, dried up, and got fearful. I was on the verge of leveling up in my writing, becoming even better and getting noticed (by editors and other writers) and it freaked my neurotic self.

So, part of getting healthy is not just my body. But my body and my creative spirit. I want to be full of powerful images and beautiful phrases again.

I hope you take time to read poetry this month. I don't care if you go for light-hearted, emotional lyric, long-winded epic, evocatively brief haiku. Just read some and see if you find a special well of feeling and thought and, hey, maybe even transcendence.

Since this is a weight loss blog, and I last was writing speculative poetry (science fiction, fantasy, horror), I offer this fantasy/mythic poem with a touch of humor and a dark truth about dieting, to boot: The Phoenix Diet.

You may read one of my SF poems here.

You may read one of my fave classic poets here: Christina Rossetti
Three of my fave modern (but deceased) poets here: Elizabeth Bishop
and Denise Levertov  and Edith Sodergran.

Poets alive today I value: Carolyn Forche, Catherine Sasanov, Samantha Henderson, Bruce Boston, Mike Allen, Joe Haldeman. (Google em; all the poets after Sasanov are known for SF Poetry.)

I remember years and years ago, when I happened upon a poem by Sodergran--of whom I had NEVER heard of in all my years of reading poetry and being a top English student--and I was ravished. But I could not find her books. I had to resort to frequent web searches and eventually got two. They are easier to get these days, but man, how frustrating when you find a voice that suits you and it is hidden away.

You might also google up Yevgeny Yevtushenko (the first book of poetry I ever bought for myself, not an anthology, but a poet's collection, was his, when I was 16 on a trip to NYC), Pablo Neruda, Rainer Maria Rilke,  and Anna Akhmatova.  So many. Well...the interwebs is a treasure trove. Explore.

Any fave poets you'd like to recommend?

So, timer is set, and I'm giving myself 2 minutes to come up with a quickie dieter haiku. Maybe you wanna try it, too? Why not? I am primarily intersted in spiritual and speculative genres (faith meets fiction, especially fantasy and sci-fi), so I will assume I'll head that way. Here goes:

Spacebound in springtime:
Within the ship, I'm weightless.
At last, diet-free...

Eh. Could be better. But not bad for impromptu. My first line, before I erased it, was "heading for heaven", cause I wanted to make the spiritual connection of dropping one's weights (burdens, sins, etc) on the way UPward. But, wanted to stick with the SF and add the seasonal element (though it's weird to have it in space). I like the sibilance and the rhythm. And the "wheeeee" happy sound of "freeeeee". :D I can picture a woman spinning in zero-G with joy and NOT WEIGHING ANYTHING! hahahaha

Go on, give it a shot.

And let me know if you find a poem to absolutely, totally love this National Poetry Month.

Eat well, move well, READ well..and be well...