Grappling and Taking Down the Emotional Monster

You can guess life smacked me around a bit, since I haven't posted since, er, when, Saturday?

Okay, so Saturday began a descent that culminated in Sunday's insanity.

I found out some very stressful news from Sister A, which even today has me praying double and triple time for her. We all met up (siblings and their kidlets) for a birthday party Sunday. I'd had one of my happy but lite breakfasts to get me in a better frame of mind.

I brought over fruit and Greek Salad.

I had THREE servings of the salad with honey pear dressing, about 3 ounces of Serrano ham, white "Cuban style" cheese with coffee, who knows how many Amaretti cookies, I lost count. A piece of dark chocolate. One bit of Parmesan bread. Coconut water. White wine with strawberries.

But the situation with Sister A had gotten worse and she was near tears. Sister B was going through a new round of depression and had an infection causing her severe pain. Gosh, there was a pall over that party.

On the drive home, I was feeling the blossoming of Monster Binge. I really could feel that I was totally about to lose it. I wanted to weep. I felt so helpless that I could help neither sister right now.

So, I tell hubby in a voice not to be messed with: I want a hamburger!

He's the sweetest, dearest man in the universe, but at this point, he should have told me, "Honey, I love you more than my own life. No. You are not having a fast food hamburger."

I'm having visions of buffalo wings, tacos, burgers, pizza. I am possessed, I swear.

Well, the only blessing in all of this is that I only got the burger (no fries, no dessert, and even at the party, I bypassed the birthday key lime pie and apple strudels). I got home and I ate it. Very fast.

And I said, "Shit....this has to stop."

I started drinking water, water, had a high protein hot cocoa to give my mouth something that wasn't "evil".

I went to bed still feeling a little crazed.

Now, I felt horrible when I woke up 4 hours later. (Yeah, add not enough sleep, cause the sister and food thing is making me uneasy on the mattress there.) I ate a very small breakfast (200 cals) and water.

I almost cancelled Pilates, but that would have made hubby sad and me mad at myself. Hubby was heading out that afternoon to San Francisco for a business conference, so I didn't want to make him worry about me on top of everything else. I got my workout clothes on. I did NOT want to go. (A rare thing, as I like doing my Pilates and feeling that "I did it" glow aftewards.)

So, I went to Pilates. Bloated from all the sodium and crap the day before. I did the upper body work fine, but my knee was bad. Dunno why? Lower body work took a bit of modifying.

There's a Subway below the Pilates studio. I don't go there very often, but I decided before I got lured in by the various WORSE fast food options on the way home, I'd get something. I got the footlong Turkey Jalapeno Melt (extra turkey) (to share with hubby) with every veggie they had on top. And baked chips. And a Coke Zero. (I looked away from the cookies.)

I ended up having 1/3 of the chips and tossing them. 1/2 the sub with avocado. 1/2 the Coke Zero.

And I felt like I started to calm down.

Hubby had had lunch while I was gone, so I wrapped the Sub for dinner or lunch the next day (sans half the bread).

I had a blip later that day (too much tzatziki and too much almond butter, but not as bad as the day before).

I spent a lot of time just grappling internally, and y'all who binge know what I mean. Just trying to destress, find a calm place, and not let food win.

By Tuesday, I had started to calm down. I talked to Sister A (things were still bad, she sounded down), and then I prayed some more. I ate the leftover sub for supper with a plum and some debloating coconut water. I was able to finally get good sleep--solid, not waking up feeling panic sleep: 11 hours' worth.

I was able to bring down the quantity again Tuesday, meaning after Sunday's worst and Monday's still a bit bad, Tuesday was almost good. :)

But good enough that when I checked the scale today (and I was terrified to do so before), I was less than Friday's weigh-in. Hallelujah! In fact, I haven't weighed THAT number (254.0) since July of 2002. And the only reason I remember the precise month and year is that is what I weighed after my emergency appendectomy (July 5th) during the follow-up weigh-in at the surgeon's office.

I'm not out of the woods emotionally, but it's calmer. It's been raining and raining and raining (tropical depression), and that makes me feel a little blue, but not too much. And that's a ray of light.

So, I have high hopes for today and tomorrow. I want a decent weigh-in Friday, and staying calm and not letting worry get to me will be key.

I wish you a calm day and night, with less food and more movement and a lot more sleep. :)