Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Grappling and Taking Down the Emotional Monster

You can guess life smacked me around a bit, since I haven't posted since, er, when, Saturday?

Okay, so Saturday began a descent that culminated in Sunday's insanity.

I found out some very stressful news from Sister A, which even today has me praying double and triple time for her. We all met up (siblings and their kidlets) for a birthday party Sunday. I'd had one of my happy but lite breakfasts to get me in a better frame of mind.

I brought over fruit and Greek Salad.

I had THREE servings of the salad with honey pear dressing, about 3 ounces of Serrano ham, white "Cuban style" cheese with coffee, who knows how many Amaretti cookies, I lost count. A piece of dark chocolate. One bit of Parmesan bread. Coconut water. White wine with strawberries.

But the situation with Sister A had gotten worse and she was near tears. Sister B was going through a new round of depression and had an infection causing her severe pain. Gosh, there was a pall over that party.

On the drive home, I was feeling the blossoming of Monster Binge. I really could feel that I was totally about to lose it. I wanted to weep. I felt so helpless that I could help neither sister right now.

So, I tell hubby in a voice not to be messed with: I want a hamburger!

He's the sweetest, dearest man in the universe, but at this point, he should have told me, "Honey, I love you more than my own life. No. You are not having a fast food hamburger."

I'm having visions of buffalo wings, tacos, burgers, pizza. I am possessed, I swear.

Well, the only blessing in all of this is that I only got the burger (no fries, no dessert, and even at the party, I bypassed the birthday key lime pie and apple strudels). I got home and I ate it. Very fast.

And I said, "Shit....this has to stop."

I started drinking water, water, had a high protein hot cocoa to give my mouth something that wasn't "evil".

I went to bed still feeling a little crazed.

Now, I felt horrible when I woke up 4 hours later. (Yeah, add not enough sleep, cause the sister and food thing is making me uneasy on the mattress there.) I ate a very small breakfast (200 cals) and water.

I almost cancelled Pilates, but that would have made hubby sad and me mad at myself. Hubby was heading out that afternoon to San Francisco for a business conference, so I didn't want to make him worry about me on top of everything else. I got my workout clothes on. I did NOT want to go. (A rare thing, as I like doing my Pilates and feeling that "I did it" glow aftewards.)

So, I went to Pilates. Bloated from all the sodium and crap the day before. I did the upper body work fine, but my knee was bad. Dunno why? Lower body work took a bit of modifying.

There's a Subway below the Pilates studio. I don't go there very often, but I decided before I got lured in by the various WORSE fast food options on the way home, I'd get something. I got the footlong Turkey Jalapeno Melt (extra turkey) (to share with hubby) with every veggie they had on top. And baked chips. And a Coke Zero. (I looked away from the cookies.)

I ended up having 1/3 of the chips and tossing them. 1/2 the sub with avocado. 1/2 the Coke Zero.

And I felt like I started to calm down.

Hubby had had lunch while I was gone, so I wrapped the Sub for dinner or lunch the next day (sans half the bread).

I had a blip later that day (too much tzatziki and too much almond butter, but not as bad as the day before).

I spent a lot of time just grappling internally, and y'all who binge know what I mean. Just trying to destress, find a calm place, and not let food win.

By Tuesday, I had started to calm down. I talked to Sister A (things were still bad, she sounded down), and then I prayed some more. I ate the leftover sub for supper with a plum and some debloating coconut water. I was able to finally get good sleep--solid, not waking up feeling panic sleep: 11 hours' worth.

I was able to bring down the quantity again Tuesday, meaning after Sunday's worst and Monday's still a bit bad, Tuesday was almost good. :)

But good enough that when I checked the scale today (and I was terrified to do so before), I was less than Friday's weigh-in. Hallelujah! In fact, I haven't weighed THAT number (254.0) since July of 2002. And the only reason I remember the precise month and year is that is what I weighed after my emergency appendectomy (July 5th) during the follow-up weigh-in at the surgeon's office.

I'm not out of the woods emotionally, but it's calmer. It's been raining and raining and raining (tropical depression), and that makes me feel a little blue, but not too much. And that's a ray of light.

So, I have high hopes for today and tomorrow. I want a decent weigh-in Friday, and staying calm and not letting worry get to me will be key.

I wish you a calm day and night, with less food and more movement and a lot more sleep. :)


Allan said...

You can get through anything, set your mind to it. Sugar free anything, carrots, pickles, keep chewing something to try and get over the hump. You can do it !!

spunkysuzi said...

"hugs" you can put the weekend behind you!! I know you can do it, right now!