Down a bit closer to Onederland, Change in Blog Look, Well-timed Photo Find to Use for Before/After when 100 lbs lost, , Expecting a Celebratory Weekend (fingers crossed), and Loving Ourselves and Living Life At Any Size...

Tanita-san: 200.2

That's .6 down from yesterday. Getting there, getting there...getting the confetti ready!

In order to get ready for a whole nother "century" (ie, getting under 200 into the 100s), I fiddled with the blog. It's a "leaner" look, simpler, but the colors reflect my sense of reaching higher (sky colors) and feeling fresher (water colors) and feeling hope and possibilities (wide open brightnesses) and movement (the swirliness). It may not be the most original blogskinning, but it feels right for now and the next milestone, which is so close.

I had planned to change the look of the blog next month, but some weird Blogger thing happened and my blog look got reset to default. Don't know why. Was all flowery and normal blog look one minute, and the next it had blanked out. Worried for a sec I got hacked.

It turned out to be a fortuitous error. I got to update the blog on a good day. Possibly the day before Onederland. I had hoped to reach it by last Sunday, and then I hoped to reach it by Saturday next. I may still make it. Who knows? The body can be weird. But I'm eager to see a 3 digit number that begins with a one....1....1......1.....1.....ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As if the cosmos is in tune with my milestone (in addition to the timely Blogger blooper), I was clearing out some old magazines and books (in my quest to rid myself of more than body clutter) and found a pic of me at my highest weight. I didn't think I had one handy. I tended to avoid cameras. But I found one. Me at 299. It's not digital and it's glued into a diet book. (Of course. Me hoping back in 2007 not to see 300+ on my home scale.)

The book was part of a course by Julia Havey, a 12 week one, that came with CDs and an exercise DVD, and it was called the LifeChanger course. My life did not change. I only filled out 10 pages consecutively, then filled out another two a year later. But I did paste the photo of "Biggest Me"  in me there, and now it's part of my transformation documentation for when I lose 100 lbs. Hooray!

I was 289 in 2007 when I started doing the course. I fizzled out days later. I didn't stay the "course".  That's the story of my dieting life. A day on. A week on. Then not. Then months of eating nuts. A week or four on WW. Then regain.

I've been losing for nearly a year. Look at my sidebar for weigh-ins. See the near constant downward trajectory. No binges. If there was an uptick, it was sodium bloat, not binge bloat.  I've been exercising regularly for 3 years. Something changed, yes?

I'm so glad I found the photo. I want to post a pic of me at 299 and me at 199. When I get to 199, I need to remember to have hubby shoot me a good body shot! Before and After.

Of course, that "after" will be another kind of before. Goal still to come....

Hubby wanted to celebrate when I reached "100 Pounds Lost!" status. :) I do, too. I don't know how that celebration will be set up, but I definitely want to mark the occasion. It's a lot of hard work and lifestyle change to lose 100 pounds. I earned that coming celebration. :)

And even though I'm delighted with my weight loss so far, I do believe it's vitally important to work on the idea of "health at any size". Whether you're 400, 300, 200, or 100 lbs. I think we need to find the love of self and love of life and desire for health to live and love.

Don't shake your head and say, "Can't do it!" It's hard. I know. Try.

I hated my morbidly obese body. I hid away. I have had my neuroses, depressions, and binge issues. I have had self-loathing since childhood. It's hard to self-love, but I do think that it's necessary to say, "I deserve to have joy, do fun things, meet people, have relationships that are healthy, have a career or have kids and LIVE LIVE LIVE" no matter what size. No matter what size, we have inherent human worth.

God doesn't love any of us less cause we're fat or thin or in between. Our souls are not less valuable cause their "temples" are supersized. Our creativity and ability to love isn't hampered by adipose tissue. People don't need our contributions less cause we hand them our assistance with chubby fingers.

Some things are affected--and it's those things that spurred me on to lose the weight. Diabetes. High blood pressure. Lack of proper mobility. Difficulty with hygiene (sorry , but wiping your butt properly, front to back, is nigh impossible at supersizes). Sex (some positions become cumbersome or impossible). Finding stylish clothes. Joint damage from the stress on knees, hips, ankles, feet. Discrimination. Fertility can be adversely affected. Surgery becomes more dangerous. Might have to buy 2 seats on a plane. Might not FIT in a seat on a plane, or a concert hall, or a restaurant.

I love concerts, dance, live comedy. I stopped going to concerts and clubs due to how uncomfortable I was stuffing myself into the seats. I'd spill over into other seats and was self-conscious.

BUT..with all that, I still believe we do ourselves a disservice when we say, "I'm too fat to do that." I've done that with swimming (the swimsuit fear), with going back to school (the fear of not fitting in seats and being the fattest in the class), with looking for work (who will hire a 300 pound middle-aged woman with bad teeth and a gaping hole in her resume). With socializing (avoiding weddings and banquets and parties).

I can do more now. I don't fear seats in public. But I feel bad about the me that hid away.

If you are still not at a weight where you feel you can do stuff, can live, then I say try. When I was still 278 lbs, I decided to try Pilates. It was HARD to walk into a studio with thin models and sleek dancers. HARD! But I did it. I went walking on the beach when I was 268. Not swimming, but at least not avoiding the pretty places and fresh air. I decided last year to do stuff, even at 260+--go to a game park and go on the rides, while barely fitting into go-karts and the little boats and such. I did Dance Dance Revolution in a video game center. I went back to see a show at the theater.

Might as well live now. Not weight or WAIT... for goal weight. Not wait for "skinny".

Who knows if we'll live long enough for goal weight? No one knows their day or hour with death.

Live now. Do something that scares you. Like I did with walking and sprinting. It SCARED ME. I did it. Like Pilates. Like the beach walks.

For you, it might be something else. It might be going on a date after years of isolation. It might be trying a dress that's not loose and hides you. It might be going to a chi-chi restaurant with small tables. It might be applying for a job you're afraid they won't give to the "large" gal. Or guy. It might be going back to school or riding on a jet ski or playing Frisbee.

Do it this weekend or next week or this month or by (chooose a date). Do something really fun and don't let the fat stop you.

Although I do diet (eat in a way to reach goals of health and size) and want to lose 40 more pounds, I value people at every size. Everyone has beauty. Everyone has worth. Everyone has something to contribute to the earth and universe. I didn't always believe it about myself, and that was MY FALSEHOOD. My broken philosophy affected by a society's craziness about beauty and slenderness and money and assorted things. I was a poor, sickly, ethnic immigrant kid, and that colored how I felt about myself due to the images of that time (sixties, seventies). But I'm grown-up now and it's time to come fully into my own. Finally. Late, but hope is always waiting for us...

For a book that might help, I saw this one reviewed on another blog and thought it had a great perspective on LIVING LIFE at any size. The two excerpts I read were nicely written, too.  She may not promote dieting, but she promotes a vital, fulfilling existence where one's value is not tied to one's size. We need to hear that message.

I hope you love yourself more today and live your life happier today....you are immeasurably valuable. Just as you are. And so am I.

Day 2 of P4 DDDY Challenge: Where I Get A Wonderfully Surprising Award and My Dorky Aesop's Fable Analogy, the Absolute Need to BELIEVE YOU CAN Do IT, The Faith of Others as Motivation, Some Key Points from a Book on Procrastination, and Where I am Not Freaking..Yay! And Finally: Feeling your Quads and Glutes Yet? Heh...

LOOKEE WHAT I GOT:

Now, I've gotten nice bloggy awards before, both on Once Upon a Diet (my original weight loss blog that I created in May of 2007) and this one. Always nice when someone gives you a goodie like that, isn't it?

But I will be honest. Allan's award is the most astonishing one, cause, well, as I said in my comment on his post today, I've always fallen in the "average" or "below average" loss category during the weekly weigh-ins. Mostly I'd hit EXACTLY the average for the week. Even eating great and exercising, I was never one of the stellar losers. And, another bit of honesty, I never expected to be one of the stellar losers. My body doesn't churn out the caloric burn and lose fat as deftly as I would wish.

Coming in 7th on the list--that makes me nearly pee my pants with shock and awe. Oh, that's not the award, sorry. that's just the breakfast water asking me to go to the bathroom. Be back in a minute....

...back!

As I note in the sidebar where I posted this award, it proves the lesson of the fable about the hare and the tortoise. If you're one of the turtle-y ones, as long as you stay in the race and don't give up, you will add up the yards towards the goal. As long as you just HANG THE HELL IN THERE, you will make progress. You won't win against the hares that also hang in there (ahem, Ann), but you don't have to. You only have to win your own race. Every weight loss journey is totally individual. You are always racing alone. It's just you and your fat.  You want to win it, even if you don't win it before all the snazzy, dazzling hares. (Ahem, Kimberly).

Some bodies are metabolically more charged. Some dieters choose foods and caloric levels more wisely. Some exercise more consistently and ardently. Some have health issues and others are healthy babes.

Just run your race and run it with an eye to that prize. Run it to finish. But run it undauntedly.

Believe you can run it.

For the longest time, honestly, truthfully, I did not believe I could do it. Even Allan must have gotten annoyed by my lack of faith and self-confidence in comments and emails. Geez! When I think of my dithering about joining Phase 4. I was afraid. I felt inadequate. I did not believe in my ability to do it. Just like for years I did not believe I could stick to a plan--and I did NOT stick to any plan for long. And I always regained, with added pounds.

Little by little, since May 2007, little bit here, little bit there, I started acquiring some self-confidence. It didn't bloom, really bloom, until I started this new blog and joined the challenges. Succeeding at the weekly goals, then monthly goals, has boosted my self-confidence about getting the fat off. This has been the number one benefit of these short-term challenges. BELIEVING I CAN DO IT!

I am no dynamo of self-esteem or self-confidence. I spent most of my life being my own biggest obstacle, since childhood. But I am fully convinced that until we really start to believe in our ability to overcome food addiction, obsession, conditioned overeating, etc, we cannot get to a healthy weight and STAY THERE. (Staying there is key, as who wants to do all this work to ultimately be back in Fatland.)

So, if you've always failed before...consider a challenge. Consider one that is simple and starts of gently (like Allan's) and works up to more dedication. Increments work. I would not have conceived doing Phase 4 had I not done Phases 1, 2, and 3. Each gave me that step up I needed in self-faith.

I am reading a book called THE PROCRASTINATION EQUATION. I have found that books that deal with things like changing habits are as valuable, if not more, than diet books at this point. I downloaded it to my Nook Color (whoo, so cool) yesterday, and am only slightly into it, but it addresses the core issue at the heart of procrastination (and I am a champion procrastinator) as impulsivity. Think of how our impulsivity--the pleasure now, the pay-off now of food versus the pay-off THEN  of normal weight--plays into our obesity. We want that PIZZA NOW! Pizza now sounds better than slim body 8 months, a year, 2 years away.  Cake now sounds nicer than 5 pounds off by month's end. Pleasure NOW rather than pleasure THEN.

And he also addresses one basic issue in procrastination: lower expectations. We don't think we CAN GET RESULTS...we think we will fail. We self-sabotage by putting off the actions that lead to success, because we don't BELIEVE in success.

So, yes: Believe in success. Value a healthy and slim body A YEAR DOWN THE ROAD (or less, or more) rather than the feast NOW. Look at the big plate of fatty or trigger foods and think: Do I want this more than I want to lose a pound this week? If your answer is yes, you eat it. If your answer is no, you throw it away.

Do the steps you need to in order to place a higher value on the HEALTHY BODY down the road. Be it May1, 2011 or December 31, 2011, or September 3, 2012 (see my original blog post, hah). Place a really high value on THAT, not on the burrito or lasagna or cookies.

See, I'm not freaking yet. I thought I would, cause, well, that whole lack of self-confidence and lowerered expectations.

But I chose to believe Allan and Debbi and Kimberly and Ann and other 1200 calorie eaters in this Phase 4 Challenge, those who said fervently that is was DOABLE and that *I* could do it.

When I didn't believe in myself completely, I chose to believe THEIR belief in me until my own self-confidence kicked in.

It has kicked in now on day 2. I have decided that I can do it. I have chosen faith and the value of my May 1, 2011 healthier body.

Choose wisely today.

And don't freak when you do. :D

Challenge Breakfast: I again selected the egg white/Ezekiel toast/skim milk, but added the fruit to the milk to make a cinnamon/banana/milk smoothie (yum). Coffee. Water. All under 300 cals.

Edited to Add:  About now, those of you who did your squats/lunges should be feeling your muscles all sore from those tough babies. I woke up sore in my abs--all of them, lower, upper, obliques from Pilates--and my thighs and butt from the squats and lunge alternate exercises (the Princess cannot lunge in classic form, sorry, just can't).  My triceps and shoulders are also sore from some upper body work. It's nice to be sore. Means you burned calories and that you're BUILDING MUSCLE! Feel your body good protein to build up that muscle!

Snack: string cheese nuked lightly with 1 tsp of of pasta sauce to make it taste pizzaey. Water.

Lunch: turkey sandwich with lettuce/spinach/cucumbers/tomato/mustard ; decaf; water

snack: lowfat yogurt

dinner: (leftovers, so same as yesterday) chicken/rice n beans/asparagus
The only difference was I made a nice dijon mustard mixed with white wine vinegar and lemon juice no-fat dressing to put on the asparagus.

Not hungry after dinner today, so skipped last snack.

Total calories: 1019  and all water downed.

Watch The "Self-Hate" Talk AKA Hate the Fat but Love the Fatty (especially if that fatty is you)

690 days, 8 hours, and 93 lbs to go...

I'm 50. For most of those years, I have been on the continuum that begins at Chubby and ends at Bigger than a Blue Whale. I've done a lot of fat-hating, self-hating talk.

Interestingly, I've not been a fat-hater, fat-basher, not even when I was normal weight (but chubby by society's anorexia-level standards). I've dated chubby dudes and had crushes on BIG guys (Mario Batali, John Goodman come to mind, and I preferred John Travolta tubby). I also have dated pole-thin guys and had crushes on skinny "idols" (lots of J-Rockers and Japanese actors come to mind, who, collected in a room, still weigh in toto less than me, I surmise. Those bony boys are hot. Yes, that's a slim J-male in the photo below right. And, oooh, remember young Clint Eastwood, whose body was astonishingly vertical? ) I've seen fat women and thought they were beautiful, in art and in real life. It didn't occur to me in the slightest to mentally diss them. (Scroll down for a pic of the big-beautiful Crystal Renn, a plus-size model.)

But when it came to ME, I've been brutal over the years. I've been a self-verbal-abuser when it came to my body.

I'm deciding to be done with that. I've been more merciful to myself this year than others, and I want to continue on that path. I don't believe it has ever done me any good to self-hate cause of my weight. It's just added darkness instead of hope. It has not been a good motivator (and as the book I've been reading on change goes, positive trumps negative in the motivation/change game.)

So, I'm giving up the self-dissing re fat.

I hope you do, too. It's not helping us.

Interestingly, I can say there were other times when I seemed to transcend the social stuff and felt really beautiful in my fat. Fat may look worse than thin, but fat FEELS really good. I understood something my sister-in-law told me decades ago (she and my brother have been married 40 years.) She occasionally gets a bit chunky, but usually diets it back down. However, she'd said in conversation with my other sister, back when I was a teenager, how my brother liked how she LOOKED slender, but preferred her chunkier when it came to the bedroom.

I get it. I love the feel of my fat, but not what it does to my health or how it looks in clothes.

However, despite those fleeting moments when I was free of cultural expectations and felt beautiful and looked in the mirror and didn't let myself be horrified, it has been more common for me to berate my body.

I don't see how this is a good thing. But it is automatic. And I'm assuming it's very, very, very common.

The problem is that hating the fat tended to mean hating me. My problems with self-esteem and self-loathing began roughly when I got...chubby. I was normal weight (slim) from infancy to age 9. Then they started me on injected steroids (bad asthma ) and I started plumping up. It changed my self-perception. I began to feel suicidal at that age, too, which might have been depressions from the steroids or from feeling suddenly all that self-loathing from becoming "unpretty.". Maybe both.

It's really hard to separate a part of ourselves from ourself. I want to hate the excess fat and still love myself (and as a Christian, I believe I am more than mere body).  A couple of other bloggers are talking about this today--visit Kate at Fabulous at Fifty, for example. I share her view of the Fat Acceptance movement: I believe we should love fat people as we love skinny people. We should not consider one to be more deserving of respect, love, caring, jobs, etc. Study after study shows there is fat discrimination, and I suspect many a fat person has suicided over the self-loathing and isolation that comes with fat, when they felt no hope. I know I wrestled with that after yet another failed diet in my younger years.

Fortunately, I have beeen well-loved--both when slim and young and fat and older--and that has a life-enhancing effect that kept me alive.

I worry when I see fat acceptance blogs that go beyond fat-acceptance or anti-fat discrimination and move into "My fat is me and it's staying put and any indication that it shouldn't stay put is insulting to me and shows you hate FAT PEOPLE!"

Well, no. I don't want my younger generations in my family to stay fat (or get fat if they are currently slim.)  When I make lower fat or low-sugar treats for family gatherings, I do it cause I want to lose weight, sure, but cause I don't want to be a cause of gained weight in those who come after me in the bloodline. I don't hate them. I hate that the excess of fat at the obese level clinging to their bones will bring them disease and disability before their time.

All four of my nieces and nephews are overweight. Even the two boys, skinny and active when young, are now men with excess fat--one morbidly obese. Both nieces are obese. So far, the grandnephew and niece are slim and well. I want them to stay that way, but I shudder when I see the mom buying McDonalds fries and nuggets for lunch or letting them eat sugar constantly. I can foresee where they'll end up: where WE are. Too big for our hearts, livers, and circulatory system.

All my siblings who grew up in Cuba remained normal weight (some quite slim, slim) until they were old, when a few pounds creeped up (and by old I mean sixties). I grew up here, the next generation grew up here, surrounded by junk food and lousy fare in schools (greasy pizza, fried chicken, sloppy joes on white buns, greasy grilled cheese) and candy and sugary cereal ads and cars to go everywhere...and we're fat.

I don't hate my relatives. I want them to be well and happy. But I do hate our collective fat.

I hate the fat that's choking my country's people--including me.

But I decided I'm done hating the body as a whole or me as a singular fat being.

I will not throw ugly abuse on the body that takes me through this sometimes excruciatingly lovely world.

I'll join hands with the FA crowd when it comes to anti-discrimination. I will not join hands when it is about inertia or giving up the fight to be healthy. Excess fat is not good for us, so we should struggle to get to a healthier weight--and I don't mean a Hollywood weight, I mean something that improves blood pressure, sugar numbers, mobility, removes undue pressure from joints, reduces risks for certain cancers, allows us to sit in public places without fear of cracking chairs, allows us to get up stairs without wanting to pass out.

Dieting is a dirty word to some. Fine, don't call it dieting. Call it "eating less so I can live more."

How's that?

Mercy is a beautiful thing. Compassion is a virtue. Understanding is important. Self-forgiveness is powerful and often necessary.

But powerlessness is not (and that's a word I take from Kate's post.) The Fat acceptance that sits back and says, "This is me and I can't do anything about it" is powerless and has surrendered to the temptation of food and the ease of inertia.

Should people stop fighting the temptations to cheat on spouses, shoot neighbors who are rude and loud, slap bosses who are overdemanding, rip-off the gullible, cheat on taxes,  or any other evil thing or sin. Well, then the fight against gluttony--which, if you're a person of particular faiths, is often very clearly defined as wrong-- shouldn't be tossed off with a white flag, either. (The flipside being the excess of vanity that causes one to be obsessed with being thin and beautiful to a stunning degree.)

Today, say something kind and complimentary to your body. Appreciate the amazing things it does for you. And appreciate you inner being, too. I am --you are-- more than a body, but you and I live through these bodies. It's an insult to the Creator not to tend well to them. Including appreciating the gift they are.

Today, say a kind word and a prayer for the obese folks you run across. Smile at them.

We all need to know we're welcome in the bodies we inhabit right now.

But don't stop hating the excess fat that shortens our lives and lessens our mobility through this world. Don't stop fighting against fat anymore than you'd stop fighting against racism or sexism or the other --isms that make life miserable for us and others.