Up a little over half a pound.
At one point, after that extra meal late evening stupidapalooza diner visit on Thursday-- after perfectly navigating Thanksgiving proper with the fam--I was at 182.0.
I had allowed myself up to 184 in the refeeding program. But...honestly....
....yeah...I freaked a little bit when I saw 182.
Seriously, I gain at 1700. Daily caloric calculators and reality don't jive when you're metabo is effed up. BUT... I really gain at over 2000 (which was Thursday's final count, around 2200).
I wanted to be patient and let this system heal, but I keep telling myself "Um, I'm gonna go back to my normal 1400 plan." Then I tell myself, "But you got stuck eating low cal." Then: "But I'll get obese again refeeding at 1600, 1700."
I kept wavering back and forth. This is the story of my month.
RIGHT now, this instant, I want to go back to 1400/2 meals. In an hour I'll think: Stay with the high protein metabolism healing refeed.
Back and forth. I want to heal. I don't want to gain. I want to heal. I don't want to gain.
I already know what will happen if I go to 1200 again. I'll lose a bit, then stagnate as I do more metabo damage. I know it.
So, do I alternate 1200 days with 1600 days?
Where is that damn workbook???
Well, mini-freak aside when I saw 182--it was just a 10 second panic and then I calmed down and went about my day--I kept hoping I'd be miracle-healing girl, whose body would respond in weeks, not months or years....I thought I'd beat the odds, and rather than be patient like others have had to and let the body do its thing in due time, I'd shine.
I'm so ordinary. HAHAHAHA! No miracle girl. I didn't lose fast, like others. I don't heal fast. hah. My capacity for hope is huge, though. :D
I guess I'm impatient when I skim closer and closer to that line that demarcates obese from not-obese.
While my body has changed--the pics with the dress prove that--the scale is becoming a land of stagnant expectation.
I fear regain. I fear further metabo damage. I fear stagnancy somewhat less than both those options, and perhaps that's why I'm here.
Well, I am hoping the workbook and online group may give me insights on how to do this better--get leaner without compromising my system or the scale....I just am failing at it now. Impatience is not a virtue, but I want to see progress on the OTHER fronts, not just the dress going up the hips and on the bod. I want to see the 160s and I want to see my torso fat evaporating.
It's a weird thing to experiment on oneself. I did it before, finding a way to eat to help me lose.
Truth is, we become creatures of habit when habits worked well in one arena. I'm really happy to be at this weight. CRAZY HAPPY, which is why my freaks are short-lived, I guess. I'm still in Happyland.
And I want to say, "Just do it the old way."
But when I tried to do it the old way (high carb, low fat) dieting, it didnt' work for me. I did better against the rules/DNA. I did better with higher protein, lower carb, higher fat. So, my brain says, experiment again.Be that guinea pig. You've done things ONE way, have consequences, so shift gears to do things another way to repair and make way for more progress.
But...er...I want to see loss. I want to see scale progress, too, dammit.
Do I have the faith to continue the metabo program?
Er....I don't think so.
Well, as you can see, I'm really of a split mind. And I have no easy answer today, either.
This has all been a learning journey. It continues to be. It can be energizing and it can be frustrating.
I press on and try to find good footing again. What am I gonna do?
Hell I know. I'm still of two minds. One body, two minds. We'll figure it out somehow. And try not to freak in any but a small way.
I did want to address a couple of things from the comments by Caron and Angela:
Caron: Easy peasy for the cranberries. I used fresh organic berries, followed Melting Mama's basic sugar free recipe that she had on her blog last week, and used Truvia instead of sucralose (my usual sweetener). Everyone raved about it. I loved it. No guilt sauce. Berries, Truvia, water, cook up, pop-pop, 15 minutes or so, cool. Done.
Angela: Yeah, I know. I used to binge on utter crap. Now, I when I overeat or break plan, it's for more fruit or more protein or...as you saw, a spinach omelette and some cut melon. It's a whole different mindset--from binge on fast food to eat more spinach, eggs, fruit, etc. hahahah. It's nutritive. It was too much for my body (I simply can't handle a lot of calories, not even for my size, which is hardly waifish). But it's far better than hitting the sugar, processed, junk, gluten....for sure.
Keep at it, people. Keep fighting and believing. I do. As confused and ridiculous as I may come across right now, it's all part of the journey....we keep at it. NEVER QUIT.
Even if we have to change the ticker and lose a couple pounds on it. Ah, darn. I'll get that 121 lbs lost number back showing on the ticker again. (Angela, that clearer?)
Now, to link up and see about breakfast.