Sunday, May 20, 2012

Ready for Summer Update #8: maintained...mildly depressed

Tanita-San: 178.8
Last Week: 178.8

I am suffering a mild depression. It has been coming on slowly, and I can at least be grateful that it's a lesser mood affect than I was used to in the past in my cyclical depressions. The lack of focus, motivation and anxiety have been waxing. And this past week, I pretty much just wanted to lie about like a slug. Just getting up and grooming took focus. Anxiety and worried thoughts were prevalent.

So, yeah, ain't this fun?

I held on some, though, as the numbers show. I maintained.

When I'm depressed, I crave carby comfort foods. And so visions of pizza and lasagna and cake and bread with butter danced in my head. I didn't have any of that. I did allow myself more "safer" carbs--rice, black beans, lentils. I had soup more often, as that's one way to get a comfort food without too many calories or damage. I ate a ton of fruit (which is not necessarily a good thing for folks who have battled I.R/prediabetes, but when sweet cravings hit, it's the safest). I had one day when I caved--a totally spontaneous fit of food berserkness--and had 8 cherries dipped in chocolate. I was on my way home, saw a gourmet fresh-made chocolate shop (I rerouted due to traffic) and bam, parked, bought, took home, split 4 with breakfast and 4 with dinner and felt really stupid and weak.

I only exercised 2 hours this past week, both with my Pilates trainer. And it was tough, as the asthma acted up a bit in allergy season. The rains came and the blooming and pollens with it, I guess. May be part of the mood trigger? Who knows.

Joints are achey (rain, rain).

So, yeah, I'm feeling pretty FLAT.

I'm happy I held on and didn't gain, cause damn, every pizza commercial on tv sent me into wrassling with cravings.

I still feel like doing NOT ONE DAMN THING. The rains (and bloompoof) is keeping me mostly indoors.

I feel like laying in bed all weekend. I didn't shower today (Sunday).

So, this week, pretty much, I'm hanging on. The mood issue will work its way out. I just have to hang on.

(Well, I hope it's a short, minimal episode. These usually do in a matter of weeks or months, and if it's a lower level mood issue, it can pass pretty quickly. Only once lasted 4 years and medications prescribed--though not taken out of fear of side effects--um, well, that was a bad spell post mom's death).

The apathy sucks. I just feel very flat and like I don't give a damn with 80% of me, and 20% is trying like mad in my brain to get me moving and taking in fluid like normal. It takes such effort. Sigh.

It's a not-great time, but I refuse to lose hope. My body has been a trial to me since I was born, and some decades, its defects won. I'm determined not to let these defects keep winning.

Um, again, sorry to be a crap example. No inspiration here today. Just a woman feeling weak and working to keep going when it's not so great in the emo department.

But you see, I haven't given up. :D

I am loathe to set goals. Pretty much not motivated to. BUT...I will: I will not regain. I will not give into candy and carby cravings for junk. I will make the effort to do some movement DAILY: any movement for at least 15 minutes, DAILY. Something!

Maren, apologies for missing the mini-challenge. I guess I'll add it to this week's. :D

Be well in this new week, everyone!


Nanette said...

I'm feelin' you... the whole "ran out of give a damn" feeling, that 20% investment.

It's a rough time. Let's get through this.

Betty WSch. said...

Even when you are not feeling "it" you are an example. You may not feel it or know it, but you are. You managed to maintain and that's HUGE in a time like this.
Wishing you a better week and may your moods turn to the better. ((Hugs))

Anonymous said...

Aww, Mir. I hate when that happens. That whole depression/anxiety combo is just so annoying. You described it well. For me, it is an old and familiar foe.

Congrats for hanging in there, girlfriend. We shall and must be free.


Jo said...

You even handle the bad times with poise, Mir. You have done well with your food in spite of the blahs. Maintaining while craving carbs is almost impossible. I have a little problem with depression, but usually in the winter, so I know it's frustrating to not be able to summon the "happy and productive" self to take care of daily tasks and duties.

{Hugs} and sending prayers and good vibes to you, babe. We need you back!

Caron said...

You continue to inspire us as you press on even in the midst of problems and depression. Maintaining is great in these circumstances. Here's hoping you have a better Week 9. :)

Beth said...

I agree with others who say that maintaining during this time is a bloody miracle.

I hope that this low mood passes soon for us both. Thanks for the song, it wouldn't play on my phone but I watched it yesterday on my laptop. Enjoyed it very much.

Hang on.

Angela Pea said...

Ah, Mir. I'm praying for you, my friend. I hope you this week is kinder to you than the last.

PlumPetals said...

I am right there with you with feelings of not wanting to do one damn thing. I don't know what it is, but I hope that both you and I can snap out of it. Hope week 9 is much better for you :)

Karen Butler Ogle said...

Hang in there, Princess. I know how you are feeling. I'm sitting here now drowning in apathy and breathing through my mouth because my nose is so stuffy from the pollen. I'm living on nasal spray. It is hard to care about diets and weight and food when it takes all your effort just to get through the day. I will remember you in my thoughts and prayers.

Michele said...

Hope things are a little brighter your way. Finish week nine strong!