I'm still feeling down and apathetic.
I have barely left my house in the last 3.5 weeks.
I haven't gotten together with family since Mother's Day.
Yes, this is not good and this does not make me happy.
That I'm not right back into obesity (ie, 185+ pounds for me) is a miracle. Some good habits have held, thank God. But they can slip so easily. So easily. I see an extra portion here and there. Days with hardly any movement.
On the plus side:
I walked day before yesterday, 25 minutes, at night to counter my heat intolerance. It was nice, if a little scary: I live in a high crime area, so walking at night solo is a risk.
I marched in place yesterday for 15 minutes and did some stretches. I managed a teaser on my yoga a few times. So, I was happy. Even late last year, I couldn't do that.
One of my reasons for losing weight was to improve my health and focus so I could tackle writing again. For those who haven't been reading my blogs for years, I used to write (poetry, fiction--both short and novel length-- and edit for online SF mags). I won a few contests, started networking with fellow writers, and then had two editors from two publishing houses I was targeting ask to see my manuscript. Both were enthusiastic. Both contacted me; I did not contact them. They'd seen my chapter and were excited.
I freaked. All my neuroses went on hyper. I stopped being able to write. Blocked. It's been five years now. My fear overtook me.
So, getting healthy was about overcoming my blocks and compulsions, but I needed health to do that. So tackling my weight was the big #1 project to open doors to the things I want to do before I die. Like organize my life/home/finances. Like travel. Like socialize like normal folks, instead of being an urban hermint. Like write. And not just write ONE thing. Make writing a part of my life. Earn money doing it. :)
I've pretty much accepted that my body doesn't want to go lower than this maintenance range I've been in for more than 7 months. The sacrifices in burning calories and lowering food intake are not feasible for me. We all come to conclusions about what we are WILLING to do, willing to suffer, willing to put out for an outcome.
I'm not willing to sacrifice more for a slimmer physique.
This is it. I have hit the wall and the wall is okay. I am not unhappy at this weight. As long as I don't slack on exercising--like I have with this depression--as long as I get back to consistent working out, I can live well here. 178 to 181 is not a range that disgusts me.
I accept it.
If later, I want to tackle it strongly again, I'll reconsider. But mentally and physically, I seem to have hit the place where eating modestly (1600 calories) and working out without feverishness has settled me.
I am content, if not deleriously pleased. :)
I want to move on to the other big projects. Organization and Creating with Words.
I can't give the last 20 lbs my undivided focus when I have to move forward. Time is fleeting. I can live at this weight. So, I will now focus on MAINTENANCE. I may have to shift to another blog name, since I am no longer focused on hitting 160 by Sept 3. I am focused on maintaining this range I've been maintaining (177 to 181 or so) while doing the other projects.
How this transition will happen, blog-wise, I'm not sure. I may rename this one, or open another blog. But I need to move on to finding my writing and organization mojo (they are linked, in my mind).
With the iffiness of hubby's employment situation--his company is doing big layoffs--organization and financial revamping becomes even more key. We may have to move cross-country. Who knows? Hope not, but preparation can't hurt. Just in case. I want to think of it as an adventure, and fight my neuroses telling me it's panic time.
I'm hoping FERVENTLY that my creative brain didn't decay too much through disuse these last 5 years. If I created something that interested editors in 2006 and 2007, then I can do it again. I hope. :D It will take months to get back into writer mode. I start..today!
There ya go. This is where I am. Moving along to Projects 2 (and 3). Yep. This one panel comic says it for me:
Be well...
15 comments:
I think it's smart that you are doing what's feasibly possible for you at this point. Good luck with other things. I think focusing on other goals in your life will be good!
Good luck with everything and congratulations with how far you have come!
I am excited for you to move back into your writing mojo. It sounds terrible romantic to me. I am SO sorry you are feeling depressed right now. I hate depression. It can really get the best of you. But you are strong, you have goals. YOU will prevail and move forward. And I can't wait to read your book. :)
Mir, I think it's a wise decision.
(I'm giving myself one last shot to get to 150 - I'm doing the Whole 30 Challenge in July) if it doesn't work, then I too will stay where I am and not stress about size, just eat right and move!
I cannot tell you how happy I am to hear that you want to return to your writing. You're a brilliant writer, Count me in as a reader - anytime.
Please go for it! You have so much to give!
Best of luck to you in returning to your writing and I pray that you find your mojo -- be it with your writing, exercise, diet ... whatever it is that you need to make you feel better.
I recommend you read the book "The Mood Cure". The suggestions offered there might help you during this time. Our bodies go through so many changes that sometimes we need to give it a boost to get back to feeling normal, mentally and physically. I know it helped me.
Very very good Mir! I know you can maintain and you will feel less pressure this way. Wishing you all the best for your writing carrier too!
Being at peace with your body is a wonderful place to be. I hope you can hold onto that and find the right balance of diet and exercise to maintain. You have been doing it, after all, haven't you? All the best with your writing. I would love to read it.
Good for you for prioritizing and doing things you love. That's awesome. Everything will work out and how exciting you get to use your God given gifts.
Cheering you on and safe travels to you. Karen P
How exciting!!! From the very first time I read one of your posts, I thot to myself that you have a gift for words!!! Embrace this new journey!!
We are also kind of living in limbo as the paper my husband is working for is in the process of being sold. We have been in this mode many times since 1989 and it begins to wear on you if you aren't careful. :(
At a younger age, I would not have wanted to be the weight I am now, but it is acceptable to me because it is in the healthy range and is fairly easy to maintain.
I see your creative brain at work in every post and I've often thought that words come very easy to you. Yes, indeed, sometimes we forget we need to live life now. Here's to the next phase and good things to come. :)
Sometimes maintenance is okay! I've been maintaining 165 for four years long - and yes, I'd like to be less, but I know I haven't given it 110%. And that's okay.
You have come so far! I love that last comic - please write!!
Princess, I'm glad to see that you are still hanging in there. I'm slipping and sliding but trying to get a grip. Things are complicated at the moment but I am not giving up. I'm going to go down fighting if I have to go down at all. Sometimes I feel like giving it up but there is still a spark of effort in there somewhere. I just need to find it and fan it into a flame. Hugs.
Princess, I'm glad to see that you are still hanging in there. I'm slipping and sliding but trying to get a grip. Things are complicated at the moment but I am not giving up. I'm going to go down fighting if I have to go down at all. Sometimes I feel like giving it up but there is still a spark of effort in there somewhere. I just need to find it and fan it into a flame. Hugs.
Hi Princess,
I believe maintenance can bring you a lot of peace and sanity. You may decide later you are ready to let go of 5 more pounds or you may find this really is your perfect weight point. What matters most is that you KNOW this is where you are today and embrace it rather than beat yourself up and chuck all the wonderful things you have done so far.
As you may know, I am going through the worse days in my life up to this point. But I am doing it in maintenance and, with a firm reliance on God, not using tragedy and fear as the excuse to overeat yet again. We do get better. I look forward to reading your words in the future very much.
There is nothing wrong with working on maintenance and learning to live where you are. You are healthy, beautiful and ready to move to your next phase. Good luck Mir. I am sorry that your not feeling up to par yet but you will. You'll get your mojo back and put it into writing something fantastic.
Take care Mir and have a blessed weekend.
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