Oh, let's just call yesterday's post the E2E Midweek Update #11, Shall We?(with some more pics, so are you sick of seeing my face yet?)...and a "hug and thanks" to Casey for the Yerba Mate and lil gifts...

It pretty much summed up the week. Weigh-in yesterday was 180.8 and today was 182.0, which makes me roll my eyes at myself at the massive sodium ingestion last night. Now and all I need to add is the quotes. So, just think of this post as adding up to yesterday's  and it sums up my update (midweek).

"The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term is the indispensable prerequisite for success." 

~~Maxwell Maltz

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~~Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

 

Now, I'm off to finish shelling the organic English peas that were in my coop. And I get to try yerba mate for the very first time ever (thanks, Casey!) Paraguayan, no less.

Here, some pics from today:

My "sides" I took with me to the restaurant I
usually hit up after Pilates. Sweetener, coconut water,
supplements, a few small sliced tomatoes (this place
tends to have lousy 'maters), and a sliced organic orange for dessert.

Post-Pilates messy, but happy to be stretched out
and warm-muscled after this weird neck spasm
that hit me yesterday (ouchie) while grooming.

Shelled and unshelled peas...

"Sunshine" souvenir on a Stormy Day:
Gifts from Casey, a sweet Challenger!
Yerba Mate, anyone?

I am not doing as well as I'd hoped by this time of the week. It vexes me that I have this "block"...this setback. But, I plug on. This too will pass...  I am cheered, always, by the kindness of comments and the occasional generosity of fellow fatfighting bloggers who mail cool things to me! Besitos!*

Be well...

*"lil kisses" in Spanish

Terrific Quote From a Smart Blogger, organic share pick-up day--and a coop recommendation for South Florida peops--plus assorted pics from Saturday's "Dali Miami" outing (and a flashback to the Goya outing in 2007 for comparison), and sort of not "there" yet where I need to be on "get recommitted" week...but I will get there...

I've been sluggish and dozey. I think I need to go through this quieter time, which means fewer blog comments from me, sorry. I need this introspection right now. Untangling knots, as it were (you'll see when you read the quote).

I like energetic and UP better. But quieter, pondering, prayerful is needful some weeks.

I have to shower and get dressed to get my organic goodies, and I'm sitting here unshowered and sort of dragging my feet about cleaning up. How pathetic, right? Well, I know that I'll feel better when everything is clean and sweet-smelling. :D I have to remember that draggy and sweaty is not normal, and clean and bright is better. Some days, the grooming is as hard a chore as a workout.

I only did a quickie grocery shopping thing this past Saturday, so protein sources are scarce. I need to hit Whole Foods, or at minimum Publix (not as good in the meat/poultry, sigh). Hubby eats 4 protein heavy meals a day and 2 to 3 lighter more carb/fat type snacks a day, so I gotta go shop for his goodies. I am fine with eggs, cheese, whey protein (on lazy days). He's not.

This is what my share includes today:

• Strawberries
• Blueberries#
• Mangos
• Gala Apples
• Bananas
• Local FL Cauliflower
• Local FL Broccoli
• Local FL Curly Kale
• Local FL Celery#
• Local FL Green Cabbage
• Russet Potatoes
• Roma Tomatoes
• Romaine Lettuce
• Watermelon Radish
• Fresh English Peas!

Plus I add a share of extra fruit:

• $10 Fruit:
• Strawberries
• Blueberries
• Valencia Oranges

Last week, the strawberries and blueberries were wowarrific! I mean, crazy good. I hope it's a repeat. Hubby loves strawberries chopped on top of sugar free ice cream for his nite treat. I'm not a big ice cream person. I usually use yogurt or eat the fruit for dessert after supper.

Annie does a great job. And she's a really involved and caring person when it comes to responsible food supplies and eating whole and ecological stuff. So, if you're local in South Florida, consider Annie's Buying Club.  I've bought organic goodies from Annie since 2007 (back when she had a delivery service, which was great when I was sick a lot and couldn't always go to the grocery store.)  If you coordinate the weekly shares, you get your share as payment for your time/trouble.

Next subject: the artistic outing

On the way there...in car...

Interior of Moore Building

I wasn't up to my usual vim last Saturday, but we headed to the Dali Miami exhibit anyway. I'd say it was good, not great. A few pieces really appealed to me. It needed some big, notable paintings to anchor it. The lighting was a fail in some spots (like DARK, could not make out details). But the venue was cool. A historic (for Miami, which is a "young" city) '20s edifice, the Moore Building, in the design district.

Mir in walled courtyard dining at Mandolin

Middle sis and hubby at Mandolin

It turned out to be a lovely afternoon, and me, my middle sis, and hubby enjoyed the outing. I wore my green Onitsuka Tigers for comfort and we parked a couple blocks from the building.

After 2 hours of art-seeing, we walked about 3 blocks to Mandolin restaurant, where I pretty much went a little wild with the veggies and yogurt. (Except for a piece of hubby's chicken kabob, I had a vegetarian meal, cause Greek/Turkish fare...man, they know how to make veggies numsy.) Sis and I split a village salad (a bit of feta, but mostly these really ripe amazing tomatoes). Then we split this veggie stew with yogurt on top thingie whose name I forgot. A Turkish item. And I had as my entree a stuffed zucchini (stuffed with a mixture of veggies, feta, and ground almonds with tomato sauce). And Turkish coffee sans sugar and iced tea to drink. I ate too much. Even vegetarian fare can add up, calorically. Um, yeah.

Then the 4 blocks or so back to the car. I'm glad we didn't valet it--the brief walk was nice, as it was breezy.

I looked kinda crappy in the lighting within the Moore Building--look at the "in the car on the way" photo and Mandolin photos versus the exhibit ones--but here are a few with a bit of the exhibit:

Surrealistic and windblown-frizzy!

Yeah, the sculpture's reaction to my unflattering top--what
was I thinking!-- is pretty much mine seeing the photo.
Top goes to Goodwill.
The bosom is not flattered.

Comparison time: the Goya exhibit in Oct of 2007, a mere 5 months after I started blogging to find a way to lose weight~~

Differences: Glasses (I had Lasik)
3x top, versus L/XL now
Blown out hair, versus natural curls now

Way bigger than middle sis back then.

Five years younger, nearly 100 pounds fatter...

My Prince back then, a bit shaggier and heavier,
but still handsomest guy on EARTH!!!!

Hubby and I both agreed that the third floor would make a great venue for a stylish 30th anniversary party, should we hit the Lotto or something. ; ) But we'll look like crap in the photos! hahah (We "mature" gals need good lighting!)

Next subject: Exercise

Monday I did my Pilates session and walked 35 mins. Yesterday, I only walked 15 mins. I may resort to a DVD tonight, after all the errands are done. I didn't wake up until 2pm, so things are piling up.

The recommitment is still on shaky ground. BUT...I have not quit and every day, I do focus on goals and work on it, just don't have that fire burning yet.

Last matter, and please read to the end:

I will share this terrific quote from a blogger I only discovered in the last couple months, but who has fast become one of my top faves. She's eloquent. Smart. And has been down this same road we have in the fatfighting journey. She just puts the struggle into words better than most, her nimble brain able to capture stuff and verbalize it. I leave you with her words and my total desire for all of us to work on this and be well, be very, very well:

It has taken me many decades of my life to get to where I am now and I continue to pick at and untangle knots in the web I was trapped in. I still feel stuck to it in spots and occasionally feel sucked back in and trapped, but most of me is free most of the time. The one thing that I implore anyone who is trying to lose weight to do is to stop oversimplifying and talking in Yoda-isms ("there is no try, do"). There's a reason most people regain weight after they lose it and I absolutely believe it is this oversimplification and denial of the complex psychological issues that go into changing ones relationship with food. You can't do it forever with the mental tools of brute force, abuse, pat and trite mantras, a stick-to-it attitude, etc. Eventually, for most people, the psychology that got them fat in the first place will re-assert itself and they will regain.

Make it as complicated as it is and take the time to understand that it's just not so simple for most people. You didn't get messed up in a day, week, or even a year. You got messed up over a lifetime. It isn't a short-term problem and it can't be fixed with a short-term solution (and I count dieting culture as a part of "short-term"). 

The Mirror NSV and The Co-op Bounty

1. The Mirror: Yep, I can see a difference, again. My trainer even mentioned, like three times, today. Arms, belly, hips. Noticeably reduced. In some positions, I can place my hands or arms closer (less fat in the way). I can squeeze my thighs together more tightly in legwork, as the fat in my inner thigh is reduced enough to allow me to bring legs closer. That was really, really hard 30 pounds ago. NSV happy jiggitty jig!

2. The Co-op: Glad it's pick-up day (gonna get showered and dressed after I blog this). Here's what is in my share (one full share, no add-ons this week):

.           Small Icebox Watermelon
·         Tiny Sugar Seckel Pears
·         Comice Pears
·         Fair Trade Bananas
·         Local FL Tangerines
·         Local FL Cucumber or Zucchini or Eggplant#
·         Local FL Grape Tomatoes
·         Scallions
·         Cilantro
·         Romaine Lettuce
·         Pablano Peppers
·         Hass Avocados
·         Spinach
·         Collards
·         Butternut Squash
·         Cauliflower
·         Broccollette

yum....

Hope you're drinking your water (challenge-mates, everyone) and eating within your caloric limit. Let's get the fat off!

~

I feel boring today; Portion creep; Salt Overload; Cytomel and my progress; Dismissive Doctors; Plugging Along...

I've been trying to figure out what the heck to blog about just to keep blogging. I feel really boring. I hate that.

So, maybe mention the portion creep I noticed going on here this week. It's not like I feel totally bingey or hugely hungry (though I have slacked off on both water and in-between meals protein-shakes). I have actually let myself get to the point of hunger, which tends not to be a good thing in my case (though it may work fine in yours). When I get hungry, I get a bit frantic and that's when I set myself up for impulse take-outs/delivery orders. I've fought the pizza cravings and the Chinese food take-out cravings well so far...and it's not easy.

  But it's 10x stronger when I let myself get hungry.

As a consequence of the laxity in water and hunger-stopgapping shakes, I've had bigger portions at lunch/dinner (still okay at breakfast). Not so much that I should gain--except for the salt bloat, and yes, I have dark circles under my eyes to prove I've overindulged in the white substance--not crack, but I guess my version of it. I love salt. I love it more than sugar.

I've had food delivery (pre-bought, low-cal) yesterday and today. It was from a Groupon set I bought a while back for SHAPELOVERS. I've used them in the past when I felt depressed or ill and didn't wanna cook. I do not feel depressed or ill, but I didn't wanna cook. :) So, I used one of my Groupons.

I've had their lower cal, turkey ham version of Spanish Tortilla for breakfast (yesterday, today) with Alpine Lace swiss cheese (one slice,  70 cals) on top for added calcium and yumsiness. I don't really care for turkey ham, but it was filling enough. I added a tomato yesterday. Today, mushrooms.

Today, I splurged on a whole tall can of Amy & Brian coconut water to fight the salt bloat, which is considerable today after having two cups of a super-saltilicious soup from the Lebanese place. It was lentils, chickpeas and a wee bit of beef in the broth, and very tasty, but the sodium tasted off the charts!

Lunch (late today) is gonna be kept under 500 cals, I just haven't decided yet whether it's gonna be the ShapeLovers Walnut Chicken (really tasty) or one of the WonderSlim entress with added veggies. The pick-up for my organic produce was delayed to tomorrow, so I have zip greens or veggies other than tomatoes, onions, and peppers in the house (and some frozen peas and maybe the back of the freezer has some asparagus or something).  I should be nicely stocked up tomorrow night. :)

I did have a mad chocolate urge last night, so I took 3 bites of a Rocky Road protein bar to quell that. About 70 cals worth.

So, still here, fighting the fight, and fighting my own slowly gaining laxity. I ain't quitting.

I have been browsing some books on Amazon on hypothyroidism. Since I feel so much better on the tiny amount of Cytomel (T3) I've been on since June (and it has helped me with the crazy hunger and helped my mood, damn what the docs say), I want to research this further. Doctors here are very reticent about changing the standard "Give em Synthroid or Levoxyl" formula, and I always went along. But the more I read, the more I suspect that I'm one of those leptin-resistant, reverse T3 plagued people. I have fatty liver disease. I don't trust my liver to do what it needs to to convert things properly,  just as I have insulin resistance and can't trust my cells to get what they need. My acanthosis nigricans has gotten BETTER with exercise and weight loss, and I hope my liver recovers with losing more weight. Until then, I just want the best regimen, most absorbable combo, I can get.

(I never had trouble keeping to a lower weight--ie, under 200-- before my immune system and thyroid went whack and it turned into 10+ pounds up a year.) It's worth looking into what else to do. If that means going on a search for an endocrinologist without a Synthroid only stick up their butt, then so be it.

I remember too well many times I made specific observations to a doc to have it dismissed, to find that 10 or 15 plus years later, studies came out that confirmed my particular observations. It made me think that doctors need to listen when patients who are informed and compliant make comments. I'm educated in the health sciences. I've had doctors think I was a doctor when I was going with my mother to her own visits (when she had a chronic, terminal illness). I read up on things. I want to be healthier.

So, when I'm dismissed and the status quo is all that matters, it makes me wonder if I have to wait 10 or more years for a study to confirm my observations, yet again.

Pisses me off.

Because I'm old enough to remember when they used to say "asthma is in your head, it's psychosomatic." Yeah, tell that to my fricken hyperreactive bronchii and my hyperreactive immune system, you close-minded MD jackass. :) My brother and I have totally different personalities (he's extroverted and naturally active and gregarious; I'm introverted, a depressive, and prefer books to parties). Both of us have bad asthma, and have had since infancy. We both respond to the same meds. In my head: Yeah, right. Look into the DNA instead, you pissers. (Oh, I think I remember, too, that PMS was all in "our heads." Right.)

I remember in the 80s, when I used to say, "Ya know, this may be weird, but I keep a calendar for when I have asthma flare-ups, and they occur more often right before my period." I was pooh-poohed.  And guess what--I was not alone. I just kept a calendar with incidents of attacks and respiratory downgrading that showed me the pattern.

I remember when I went to more than half a dozen specialists to try and figure out why my asthma got so bad I was essentially a respiratory cripple for years, couldn't use a pillow or couldn't breathe, sat up to sleep often, and was just given the regular regimen. It didn't occur to them to listen to me saying, "Um, this feels different. I've had asthma since I was a baby. But I'm 30 now and this is different." Well, when they treated my thyroid, guess what, the breathing started to improve. I suspect, though this can't be confirmed now, that my thyroid was inflamed and blocking my breathing. This, I suspect, is why I could not use a pillow (the way it inclined my neck made the obstruction worse). No one thought to check my thyroid, no matter how often I said to all these specialists, "It feels...different."

I was in such a state of inflammation from my immune system attacking me, I was turned down for blood donation--and that clue didn't lead my docs anywhere. It was DISMISSED. (yeah, years of blood donating, and suddenly my antibody titers made me unsuitable???)

I was in such a state of autoimmune inflammation that pap smears were a painful, bloody mess.



TMI?


And the fact that I worked in the oncology/hematology ward, surrounded by harsh cleansers and all sorts of toxic meds...nobody stopped to think that my already, naturally hyperreactive immune system may have just overloaded like the mother or all short circuits working 1 year in that environment? Hmmm...


But yeah....never mind what the patient is observing. All those little flags that add up to....

Docs don't always clue in. And American docs seem dismissive of European and other foreign studies. Don't know why? I'd think Swedish, French, Danish, British, Japanese, etc other doctors also have brains and degrees of study that means they can figure out how to do research and test meds. Ya know?

I may need to keep a new calendar/chart on how weight loss and mood and changes in my regimens correlate. Cause it wasnt' until the doc asked last time that I stopped to examine my progress and realized that, yeah, I was more active, losing weight, feeling more chipper, and wanting to try new activities. Most since the addition of Cytomel....

I was pooh-poohed again. Well, okay, let the studies come already. I'm sick of the dismissive doc shit. :P

I'll keep plugging along. This is my body. I am listening to it in my own way, trying not to be too much of an impediment to it's message....

My First Golden Kiwi, and Have You Ever Had a Sugar Apple?

Okay, so I'm back and had something to eat: 2 ounces grilled ground beef with onion and parsley, 2 falafel patties drizzled with tahini, hummus with half a pita, navy beans, two plums, and right now, am sucking the inner goodness out of a GOLDEN KIWI while 4 strawberries wait their turn.

Yum. I like these. I almost didn't bother cause I don't generally LIKE kiwi (the green ones). BUT, the lady who coordinates the local coop group said they were very sweet and delicious and BETTER than green kiwi.

I like em. Lots. Suck, suck, suck out the golden sweet innards. Mmmm.

Go here for a nice taste comparison with PICS.

So, while I'm slurpng fruity yumsiness, hubby tells me about some fruit a coworker was having. "I think it's called sweet apple, something like that." He describes it. I say, hmmm...and look it up. Show him the pic at this wikipedia entry: Sugar Apple.

Yeah, he says.

I say, "That's anon. I love the stuff. You can grow it in Florida. It's just been a while since you've seen me eat it." It's a fruit that just seems to show up rarely in my life, though it's yummy.  But it's one of my earliest memories of living in Florida. Getting one to eat from a relative we visited when I was 14, dark seeds against pale fruit flesh.

It's Sweet Sop. As opposed to one of my fave "juice" fruits: soursop.

Anyway, if you happen upon either in a farmer's market, given one or both a try. Lovely, lovey, lovely...strange fruit. :D

Now, if I could get up the nerve to try durian.

Over, Under-eating and Frustrated with Co-Op

Mmm..I may ditch the co-op. I had been a member before with no problems (even helped the coordinator on occasion fix boxes), but in just a couple weeks, I'm seeing a coordination issue cropping up. (no pun intended)

There's a new farmer's market opening in October. There's one 20 mins away that has great stuff on Sundays only (organic, on the beach, which is a plus for coming cooler months). Whole Foods,  Publix and Fresh Market offer some pretty nice stuff. So....well, we'll see.

I've been sitting here for 2 hours waiting to get mine. It was supposed to be done TOMORROW. But shares were ready today, a day early.  Shares were first gonna be ready 4:30. Then call after 6. Now I find my extra fruit share is missing--again--despite my letting the coordinator know right off and asking her to tell coordinator and arrange for me to have my fruit share. (I got extra fruit last time, so it's consistent for me.)

This is more of a hassle than an hour long trip to Fresh Market so far.

We'll see. I just find that I don't want to have to deal with stuff. (There's another issue that's not food-related that came up, too.)

The organizer is a very nice lady and I respect her efforts to promote local farms and health, but hell, I'm 50 and always want to find the simplest, best option, and this may no longer be it.

That aside: Yesterday, I had 2 vegetarian meals, one with chicken. I went over my calories. Today, I"m well-under (okay, I've only had 250 calories so far. I'm sipping a 60 cal protein fruit drink, cause I don't wanna make a meal until I get this food share picked up.)

Goal: Just to not cave to cravings that hit in the evening, really. :)

Happy Tuesday!

No EarthDancing, Just Routine Chores and Nookie....and a yummy breakfast

 714 days, 7 hours to go...

So, we didn't hit the EarthDance. My heat rash told me to stay INDOORS.

Which is fine, as I can enjoy hubby's body in privacy. How many calories does nookie-wumpsy-bumps burn? Well, I guess it doesn't matter. I can't be in the kitchen scrounging for crap, if I'm attacking raspberry-pink nipples.

Chores do need to be done--mostly laundry right now, but dusting needs are urgent and...okay, my least fave...bathroom chores. Ick. Scrubbing has to burn more than potato-couching.

And I plan to dance some more--gotta make up for missing the New-Agey prayerdance rave, right? Gonna cue up my Mac Mini with YouTube goodies on the flat-screen (Gosh, I love watching streaming Japanese anime on that big tv using the Mac Mini) and move my fat bod.

Brekkie made me very happy. I've been doing a combo of those high-protein hotcakes and something with eggs/egg whites with appetite-calming success, so I keep on trucking that duo.

Today, I put low fat cheddar and pico de gallo (leftover from yesterday's lunch) on top of egg whites scrambled. On the hot cakes, instead of just sugar free syrup, I nuked organic strawberries from my co-op for a minute to compote them, and mixed in a bit of sucralose, and that made a lovely topping. Added some gourmet coffee from Paradise Roasters (Safira, Brazil, mmmm) that I mixed with the last scoop of the Terroir Cauca, Colombia Select blend and it was surprisingly nice. Had a cup of fresh watermelon, which really felt like summer-when-I-was-young in my mouth (though Lord knows I detest summer in Miami when I'm a hot-flashing old dame.)

Gotta drink more water. I'm so bad with water, so I really gotta push and push myself to get it down. But coffee, yeah, I can take another cup. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Hope Sunday is seeing you slimmer and more joyful. A new week has begun. Aren't new beginnings just lovely?

Restarting the Organic Co-op and Planning for a New Life

718 days, 11 hours to go...

Today, I get to pick up my organic co-op food share. I've done this before, and I had stopped due to summer storms and just some sort of ennui. But they have a coordinator closer to my house (I hate, hate, hate driving), so I'm back on board.

I'm looking forward to the honeycrisp apples, cantaloupe, pluots, and strawberries, of course, and the Holland peppers (mmmm) and Bibb lettuce.  I need to find me a nice set of recipes for kohlrabi (I have no idea what this is, mind you) and Rainbow Chard and candy cane beets (look really pretty in the pic).

There's more mundane stuff, too, like broccoli, fair trade bananas (handy, as hubby has a banana-a-day habit), oranges, slicing tomatoes, shallots, and celery. We're gonna have some sort of squash. I'd rather it be spaghetti squash, then I can have a low carb "pasta" lunch and supper this week. Acorn and butternut don't do much for me, though I might consider "souping" the butternut if that turns out to be the offering. One of the fruit options will be kiwi or black plums. I adore black plums. I hate kiwi. Guess which one I'm rooting for? :)

So, yesterday, while checking on the google map where the new coordinator's house is, I felt genuinely happy to be back on board with the co-op, starting this fresh blog, getting my vision mojo going...and I head out to fill my latest thyroid med prescription from the endo --and yes, part of the reason I buffaloed up is my thyroid done died on me a couple decades ago, and yeah, I have the same thing Linda Ronstadt has, and yeah, you saw how she lost her slim, sexy, rock-hottie figure when it got her. I was already overweight to start with, so things got REAL big.

Back to me, there, happy, looking-forward. Heading to CVS.

And I can't go. It's drizzling and I have NO FRICKEN WINDSHIELD WIPERS.

Some lowlife thief ripped off my wipers. Geesh.

So, I can't drive in the rain. I have to wait until hubby gets home to get my Rx filled and then this am, new wipers. Oh, not just new wipers, a bit of repair, cause the FRICKEN LOWLIFE who took my wipers didn't just slide them out. They damaged the mechanism.

I curse them with jumbo grape-sized bleeding piles for life.

Funny thing is, I've had worse crime happen to me. I had my purse stolen (and that put me out about 2000 smackers, when all was tallied.) I grew up in a bad neighborhood. I got beat up by a would-be robber. Our apartment was burglarized various times.  I was terrorized by a rapist who, though I was spared, attacked another woman in our building. We came back from our honeymoon to find we'd had our place ransacked (and some wedding presents gone, mostly cash.)

Overall, lucky, considering where we lived.

But, somehow, this "petty" crime just got to me. I think because of the recent issues locally--policeman getting killed, a SWAT team exploding the early morning --and I mean that literally, as the house shook and woke us up at 5 am and change, due to the authorities blowing in the door of a suspected drug dealer across the alley in the back from us--lots of burglaries reported, car break-ins, a rapist on the loose (and seeing dozens of police cars with lights flashing is a startling thing).


I think this little straw just crashed it all down: We aren't safe here. The neighborhood has gone to shit. Time to move.

We may still have some nice neighbors to the left and to the right we've known for years (in one case more then 25), but little by little, the slumbering little 'hood only two blocks from the police station, the mayor, the firefighters, the community theater...has turned crime-infested and scary. The economic downturn prolly didn't help, as I notice fewer stable renters around us, and a continuing movement, in and out, which tells me these are not people who are economically stable at all. And, in some cases, really loud and rude, leaving beer bottles in the street (and sometimes things I will not name). Fighting in the hallways of their building (which I consider really totally uncivil and low class). Got an issue with your significant other or relative? Then take it inside or go to your priest or rabbi or iman or a counselor. I should not have to hear you yell at the top of your throat that your woman or your man is a shithead--whether in English, Spanish, or Creole-- thank you very much.

But it has set a fire under me to move.

I never wanted to live here, not from the start. It was for hubby's sake, really. He'd lost his ma and grandma in quick succession (one one year, one the next) and this was where he grew up and where his mom died (and later became the place MY dad died). But this is not home to me. And it's a cumbersome albatross of a property. I wanted to ditch it in '98. Then I said, okay, by 2002, we'll be out. That gives him time to grieve, adjust, etc. Well, here we are, post-boom (what a missed chance to rid ourselves of this place), and selling now is gonna be one hard chore. Not to mention the neighborhood, a pleasant and peaceful one in our dating days, is now full of LOWLIFES WHO STEAL HUBCAPS AND WIPERS AND GARDEN HOSES and do graffiti on the wall (yeah, that was nice) and have no respect at all for property of others.

I need to change my body. But I also need to change my address. While being here is convenient in some ways (within 20 mins of 2 of my 3 siblings, very near my Pilates studio, near my alma mater where I am considering returning, near the beaches, near state parks, near the best shopping mall in this whole county, maybe two counties, near a two hospitals--which with my health issues is nothing to sneeze at as being near an emergency room is absolutely essential. Still. I'm tired of feeling like we've got a burden on our backs.

I want to simplify. I want to be able to pick up and MOVE at a moment's notice if hubby gets a better job opportunity, given he's highly skilled and needs that mobility in case the big opening comes along. I want to stop being a homeowner, and I want to rent for a while. Maybe I never wanna buy again, dunno. We've been homeowners since 1983, the year we married, and I hate worrying about plumbing, roofs, painting, renovating, hurricanes.

If a hurricane comes and flattens the place I live, I want it NOT to be mine. I want to be able to say, "buh-bye, outta here".

Maybe having my wipers stolen, a small event, really, that set me back some time, aggravation, and 50 bucks, was just a nice little catalyst to make me focus on what the hell I want besides the weight thing.

Time to set down new timelines. Ones for a move. Ones for other tranformations. One for retirement.

Time is running out. It really, really is.

I dunno, something about setting the weight goal and looking at a timeline and pondering transformation--plus a small, but irritating criminal event--have gotten me to just want to up and change all sorts of things and set all sorts of goals. But it is a good thing. I've been crushed by depression for so many years (that really bad 3.5 year bout after mom died was bad, bad, but nothing like the one when my health broke and I had to quit working. I was suicidal back then.) I'm feeling hopeful and scared, but a good scared. It's the scared that realizes change is essential or might as well buy that cemetery plot right now.

Not to knock funeral pre-planning, but ya know what I mean, right?

I'm really bad at completing projects. But, hey, I got very little life left, if one is baldly truthful about it, I'm on the downhill side of the human life span, since there pretty much is bupkis of a chance of me making it over 100, ya know?

The time is now. It has ALWAYS been now, just is more now than ever.

I think this may actually be my midlife crisis. I have been mulling over my flaws, regretting so many opportunities lost, feeling anger at the issues I let get me down, feeling old, feeling vulnerable, feeling like I wasted my potential, feeling trapped in possessions, all sort of things. At the same time, I feel great happiness and satisfaction with my marriage, love the time I'm spending with siblings and their progeny, feel healthier and more energetic than 42 pounds and a few years ago, and my sex life really did take off dizzily with menopause. Woo!

So, maybe not a full-on crisis, but a midlife re-evaluation and meditation?

Whatever. I want change. All sorts of change. I have no clue where to start, so I have to figure this out. I want measurable steps to getting to A, B, and C. And I want to start RIGHT THIS MONTH. Next year this time, I want a discernibly DIFFERENT environment and pattern of life. Keeping the joyful, loving, happy, and satisfying aspects, ditching the confining, depressing, anxious, fearful, self-conscious, and self-destructive ones.

My entrapment is a lot more than just fat. It's habits, all sorts of habits, and fears. I'm neurotic. No kidding. I worry about so much it's exhausting. I think my hoarding (be it fat, books, clothes, shoes, etc) is about building a comfortable hiding place and feeling secure.

Merciful Lord, have mercy on me and help me big time to get out of these habits and fears!

I wrote more than I intended. I think I was mentally just "typing" out my ruminations and feelings, and I have to change my subject header, since this was supposed to be about the co-op. hah. Forgive my rant. I think I just needed to do that.

You out there: Be well. Eat well. EAT LESS. EAT SMARTER. Move. Drink water. Keep hope. Make something in your life better today. Love someone more today.  Just be well. Let's be better than we've been. Let's be MORE "well." :D

Okay, I got things to do and a life-ditch to dig out of...
Later..