Mother's Day and the Dress...Feeling Feminine!

I got to wear--finally--my 9West dress for Mother's Day (that orange/green/brown/pink tribal print dress that I posted about previously).

I'm an avocado/appley type body (curvy, fat congregates in the belly/torso), and in these pics, it reminds me I still have a ways to go. But, well, I've seemed to settle in the place where my body LIKES to be, as much as I want it to be 20-25 lbs lower.

I did the arms up shot to show the curves better, hahahaha. BUT ALSO..cause the acanthosis nigricans is nearly gone. I used to have charcoal grey skin under my arms from the prediabetes/insulin resistance. You can see a bit of it in this photo on the right from June 2010--I was in the 260s-- though the acanthosis nigricans had by that date already improved a bit after 2 years of exercising hard and eating better. The darkest areas are hidden by the shirt. I, these days, have a bit of shaving-induced hyperpigmentation, but the severe A.N. that plagued various parts of my body (thighs, underarms, neck, etc)  is pretty much history, thank God. :D

It's nice to wear dresses again. It's wonderful. WONDERFUL! Nothing makes me feel as feminine as a cute dress.

For the record: I'm not wearing shapewear. Bra and panties. No slip (my slip was too long, turned out). I wanted to wear shapewear, but in the end, I chose comfort.

I hope you enjoyed your mother's day and got to wear something that made you feel girly (or manly) and good!

Yup, I gots curves. Mostly booby curves, heh.
And that's a flower headband on my head.
My younger niece and SIL made "tea party hats"
with tulle and ribbons, and for my older niece
 and me, they created headbands. I don't
like to crush my curls with hats. :D
I look ready to "hula". :D

I may be old and overweight,
but I sure like feeling girly!
I'm holding the headband here. :)

RfS Mini-Challenge~~ Letters To Myself: You have changed. STAY CHANGED!

Hubby and I, 2003

Hubby and I, 2012

Letters to myself --past, current, and even future:

Hey, Past me!

What a long, hard, exciting, self-discovering road you started online 5 years ago on May of 2007. You didn't know it then, but you were gonna try a host of things to get over your obesity and food issues. You messed up...a lot. But you didn't give up. THANKS for not giving up.

For a lifetime, you fought the body images and propensity to chub up, then fatten up, then obese up. You got to 299, began blogging at 279, and now, five years later, you're 179. Good for you! 100 pounds less than when you started blogging for weight loss. It worked. The blogging helped. It was the right thing to do.

You lost years --decades--to illness and poor habits. You lost opportunities to fear and self-loathing. But you didn't lose hope.

You took hold for a last fighting chance in 2010...and it worked. Losing 120 pounds takes serious mojo--real commitment--no matter the path one takes. For us  (you, me) , it was not a surgical path--though that was strongly taken into consideration as an option. It wasn't a drug-assisted path--cause, really,  you wanted to GET OFF drugs, not get on more, and you didn't plan to stay on any drug for long term (and I'm old enough to remember the horrors of the Fen-Phen).

I'm off the high blood pressure pills. I have resolved the prediabetes. Ya done good.

Hello, current me. What you got to say?

Well: It was not a solitary path,  which surprised the introvert in me.  Though in the end, for all of us,  it comes down to the "I"  doing it, still, I did it with a blog and with bloggy pals and with challenges and with online research and reading and trying and failing and trying again. It was a bumpy road, crazy bumpy road, before I hit on things that I liked and that worked: Pilates, walking, eating with fewer starches and eliminating gluten and most simple sugars. Eating lots of organic veggies, fruits and good protein. Lots and lots of fluids. Lots of mutual encouragements.

It was the path of learning and moving and portioning and studying and rah-rahing. It was the day by day, meal by meal, full of introspection type of path. It was a path supported by people of all types who had a similar fight to fight. And that I have ended up leading challenges was revelatory, as it became a big tool for ME to help others.

Right now, it's a rough patch. With 19 pounds to goal weight, those 19 pounds feel as monumental as the 139 I initially looked at losing. It feels far away and too hard. And maybe I won't get there. I'm thinking this way.

Whether I do or not get to that "magic number",  what is most important is to keep those good habits that took so much work to inculcate. FIGHT to keep them. FIGHT to not regain. FIGHT to learn more and eat better and move consistently.

Because I feel good. I feel better than I have in 22 years. I feel alive again. I feel pretty again. I feel strong. I do feel old--and I am old--but I feel younger than the morbidly obese me.

Little things daily add up to joy: wearing clothes from "non fat" stores. Crossing my legs. More limber sex. Bending over with ease. Playing ball. Walking as the moon rises without feeling like I'm gonna die out of breath. Not using a cart at the grocery store cause I can carry 5 bags  of stuff on my own. Fitting comfortably in my car with space between my belly and the steering wheel. Having my husband praise me and my efforts. Seeing his eyes looking at me like I'm his spanking new bride--again. Wearing dresses again. Liking how I look in pictures (which I pretty much never liked, but relativity and perspsective changes when one transforms).

299 lbs, 2004, "The Blouse" size 30/32

2012, trying on "The Blouse"
which can wrap around me...

Life is much better HERE. That's what I wish I could send back in time to myself in the 80s. Get there sooner.

But to my future self, I say:

Do not lose this blessing, this feeling, this rebirth. Keep this. Do better. Hold on. Remember that it's the majority who lose what they have gained due to complacency. Do not become complacent. Become...a person of good health habits. That's the crux. GOOD HEALTH HABITS....feed that. Nurture that.

You changed. You feel it, right? How internally, you inhabit a better landscape? You moved to a nicer town. The air is fresher. The sky is wider. The trees and flowers here are so beautiful. Don't go back to the dirt and noise and ugliness of the morbidly obese ghetto you found yourself stuck in. Stay here. If you move, move to an EVEN lovelier part of town.

STAY CHANGED. For life.

And life will be better because of it.

Don't lose this fight. Be a warrior...for your (my) own good.

And God bless you (me)> :D

After the rant, a nice lil quote...so go overcome something today...be a creator, innovator, overcomer. No wallowing or self-defeating actions, k?

Not much to offer today. Feel a little normal peeve at a plumbing issue, but the plumber should come Friday... and I made a doc appointment for Friday to get new Rx for Singulair...my "no Zyrtec" experiment was an epic fail, with runny nose and itchy skin, so back on it..oh, well, we tried...and the endo called to say she'll have me do a lipid profile...and I have cleaning to do. So, see? Boring.

On the plus side, doing fine off the steroids, breathing-wise. Zyrtec still necessary. I keep the hope one day it will be able to go, too.

Hope my rant yesterday was helpful for those who needed it.

Here's a nice quote for today that I pilfered from Melting Mama, who had it in her blog post today:

What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment.  And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new.  Right now.  
~Author Unknown

 I am the one who decides today what I will be today and tomorrow. But mostly, RIGHT NOW.

Yes, we all have certain limitations, but one thing amazing people of all ages, health statuses, economic brackets, intellectual levels, educational levels have shown is that humans have the power to change, transform, break through barriers, heal, create, astonish, alter paradigms, innovate, and just plain overcome everything in their paths.

Whatever is your obstacle today...tell it to take a hike. It's an opportunity and a challenge, not a barrier. YOU are the main barrier. Overcome what is in you that doesn't believe you can do...IT. Whatever IT is.

I plan to overcome something dark or hard or mean or lazy or indulgent or fearful inside myself today.

You...you wanna, too?

Oh, I guess yesterday's rant was refreshing. :D

Ticker Update: 118 Pounds Lost...A different ME is revealed when hubby is out of town...and I Resolve To Never to Eat Modern Wheat Again

Tanita-san: 181.0

That makes 118 pounds off. Ticker reflects this as of...a minute or so ago. :)  I am eager to cross that barrier to the 170s...so eager.

Food has been so easy this week. Hubby is out of town --boohooo--so I only have to worry about MY food. Which means...heck, easy-peasy. I do whatever is minimal, and I only go into the kitchen when hungry. This means I barely hit the kitchen. Yay!  I don't lose 2 pounds in five days unless I'm eating less. So, yeah, I'm eating less. But it's cause I'm following my natural rhythm: Only go into the kitchen when I'm hungry or just before I think I'm about to get hungry (preventative meal-making).

When hubby returns, I have to be regular with cooking, make extra for his lunches/snacks. It makes me think of food more, have to eat more on a schedule. That means more eating.

I want to win the PowerBall and never have to cook again. I'll be 125 pounds that way. hahahahahhahaha!!!!!

joking, half-way. ; )

I remember when I was morbidly obese and hubby went on trips. I saw that as "Woo-hoo, let's order delivery like mad" time. Order a pizza with the toppings MY way, no compromise. Order lasagna and meatballs. Order Chinese binge-feasts.

Now, I'm a different gal. I didn't order delivery once. I fixed all my meals. They were focused on protein, veggies, fruit, nuts, good fats,  with one deviation last night. I had a small portion of some leftover rice n beans, topped with salsa, alongside my home-made quickie-chicken-picatta and wilted spinach. Honeydew for dessert.

I actually could have not eaten at all on Tuesday--really had no appetite--but I always worry that if I go too long without, I'll get TOO hungry and set up a bingey thing. So, while I'll do intermittent short fasts (17 to 21 hours), I won't go longer. I guess I don't trust the binge-monster in me completely, even if I feel like a transformed person. Better safe than sorry.

I finished WHEAT BELLY, reviewed it at Amazon, and it firmed up my resolve from a few months back not to eat wheat/gluten. Hubby is on board, so it makes shopping/meals easier knowing he supports this. I know he's seen how it's done me good, and he sees how it's done him good, and why go back? His coworkers are frequently asking him what he's doing, cause they see he eats A LOT of food and has gotten radically slimmer. I think they see his three tupperware cooler of two-lunches and assorted snacks and wonder how he is so sleek, when he wasn't so sleek before. hahahah.

ETA for JoBee:
People become dependent on bread/wraps/crackers/pasta because it's simple/easy/no brain. To ditch the wheat--stop thinking of any food as a lunch food or a breakfast food. Any food is okay any time. Chicken for breakfast. Eggs for dinner. Veggies for breakfast. Steak for a snack.


For hubby, to simplify, I cook extra at dinner. A lot extra. And then I can use extras for the next couple days. And right after supper, I might make scrambled eggs with ham or cheese or both and he nukes it for breakfast with fruit.


Breakfast: have eggs any way you like with veggies. Add fruit if you're not insulin resistant/diabetic. Or can't live without it. hah. Have leftover dinner food. Have any protein with any veggie and some healthy fats. My fave is veggie omelettes, usually with some cheese (feta, cheddar, swiss). I almost always have fruit.  But I've had leftover chicken with spinach for breakfast. Hubby has had leftover buffalo chicken (I make it at home, no breading) for breakfast. He has turkey and cheese. He has leftover burger. As long as there's protein and some plant item, it's good.  I cook his stuff in EVOO, butter/ghee, or coconut oil.


Lunch: I have to fix him two lunches, cause he gets too think since ditching gluten and most sugar. Here is one day's packed lunches/snacks:

 Here's one "lunch set": There's grilled chicken with chopped carrots and diced celery over romaine; carnitas pork with rice and mozzarella cheese, applesauce, cashews; snacks include hummus/carrots, Larabar, dark chocolate square. He took his usual banana/apple in his workbag.

The above includes food from meals (leftovers). Grilled spicy chicken over yellow rice with a spinach mozzarella salad side; cheeseburger (sans bun) with asparagus (cooked in EVOO) with real mashed potatoes on the side (butter, cream); Snacks: Beanitos and salsa, cottage cheese with cantaloupe and strawberries, and there's dark chocolate under the bag of Beanitos. On top of this, he took an apple, a banana, and a bag of peanuts.

I stress that *I* can't eat like this. We tried totally grain free, and he dropped 5 pounds a week and was heading toward seriously UNDERweight. I added rice and taters back for him. I have them maybe 2x a week. I have metabolic issues he doesn't. But he has lost about 60 pounds from his highest weight.

I find salads are easiest: chopped cheese and turkey or chicken or ham or leftover steak or chicken or pork on top of greens with some veggies he'll eat (diced celery, broccoli slaw, shredded carrots). He's not got a big veggie vocabulary, but I do my best. :) He often has hummus with carrot sticks. I love using the Sabra single serve ones. Perfect for a snack. I also buy him Larabars (raw, gluten-free), which he enjoys. I can't eat them (too carby), but it helps him keep weight on these days. :D Cheese and nuts with crudite veggies and fruit can make a perfect no-cook meal. Breakfast can be non-sweetened yogurt with berries and nuts.

Just focus on protein/veggies as the spotlight, then add nuts, cheese, fruit (in moderation for those sensitive to sugars/carbs), seeds as accents, lots of nice spices. The starches that are safe and a allowed in our home--tubers, rice. For the non-carb-sensitive, gluten-free oats can be used. Use legumes if you aren't sensitive to them and they are properly soaked (although it's not Primal/Paleo, it's up to you. Dr. Davis gives the okay to moderate portions t keep glucose under control).

If you have any suspicion you might be wheat or gluten sensitive, if you have diabetes or insulin resistance (like moi), if you have a belly (ie, fat one), if you get cravings for wheat/gluteny products (that is, when you do your uncontrolled snacking, is is made of wheat or gluten-containing products, like crackers, pretzels, pizza, wraps, cookies, etc--or are you night snacking on roast chicken and spinach or honeydew and Manchego cheese?), if you have autoimmune conditions, or if you have low HDL/high triglycerides and dangerous small LDL that's HIGH--read the book.

The September 5th Woman's World magazine (your supermarket has it), gives a quickie overview and sample eating plan. But I recommend the book as he shows why wheat has been altered from its ancestral type. How it's not even the wheat eaten a couple generations ago. Different beast.

I'll eat ancestral wheat, should I come across bread made from it. I won't eat modern rejiggered/engineered wheat with its scary properties.

I don't need it, anyway. There's no nutrient in wheat that I can't get from the whole foods I eat, and in better form :) And I bet you don't need it, either. You might desperately want it. You just might be addicted to it. (And yes, he addresses that in the book, and if you have a loved one with schizophrenia or autism, you do want to read about the experiments in these areas with regard to wheat.) But that's all the more reason to assess your dependency on this not-benign grain and staple food.

So, that's my book recommendation for the week. WHEAT BELLY by Dr. Davis.

If you read it and try the program, really give it a good shot of at least 30 days,  let me know how it goes for you.

Have a great Thursday, eat well, move well..be well.

Which "Obesity Stage" Are You Living In? I like being a ZERO!

BMI isn't so useful a tool. I use it as a milestone marker. But I know it's got serious limitations and problems.

Some docs want better ways to gauge obesity and its effect. So, I was reading the stages in the Edmonton Obesity Staging System:

STAGE 0: Patient has no apparent obesity-related risk factors (e.g., blood pressure, serum lipids, fasting glucose, etc. within normal range), no physical symptoms, no psychopathology, no functional limitations and/or impairment of well being.
STAGE 1: Patient has obesity-related subclinical risk factor(s) (e.g., borderline hypertension, impaired fasting glucose, elevated liver enzymes, etc.), mild physical symptoms (e.g., dyspnea on moderate exertion, occasional aches and pains, fatigue, etc.), mild psychopathology, mild functional limitations and/or mild impairment of well being.
STAGE 2: Patient has established obesity-related chronic disease(s) (e.g., hypertension, type 2 diabetes, sleep apnea, osteoarthritis, reflux disease, polycystic ovary syndrome, anxiety disorder, etc.), moderate limitations in activities of daily living and/or well being.
STAGE 3: Patient has established end-organ damage such as myocardial infarction, heart failure, diabetic complications, incapacitating osteoarthritis, significant psychopathology, significant functional limitation(s) and/or impairment of well being.
STAGE 4: Patient has severe (potentially end-stage) disability/ies from obesity-related chronic diseases, severe disabling psychopathology, severe functional limitation(s) and/or severe impairment of well being.

And I realized this:

At my very highest at just about 300 lbs, I would have to self-categorize myself as having dipped into Stage 3 for a spell. Not cause of organ damage (though I was damaging my liver, had elevated enzymes, Ultrasound showed non-alcoholic fatty liver disease), but cause my activities were severely impacted. Movement...breathing...sleeping...and depression was rampant. "Impairment" of well-being, oh, yeah.

I spent most of my morbid obesity in Stage 2. No question about it.

I look over the criteria, and realize I'm a ZERO, just from how I feel and what doc says: Prediabetes resolved. No hypertension drug now. HDL and triglycerides, amazing. LDL higher, but good LDL particle size. Apnea pretty much gone, no waking up choking... though I'm asleep, so can't really tell for sure, hah. Reflux gone.  Liver hasn't been rechecked via ultrasound, but I'm  guessing way, way less fatty. Easier to move (exercise!). Energy high. Depression not in sight. Joy of life, even with its sad moments--considerable.

I do have damage--to skin, to joints, to liver, I'm sure--from having been obese for more than 2 decades. No joke. You pay a price! I suspect the longer one is obese, the more price to be paid. Some things are irrevocable. Lifespan may be impacted for sure. We can't know for certain. But I do suspect the longer you wait to fix the problem (don't be an ass like me), the less you get to live and the more you suffer down the line.

BUT....for today...for now...being a zero is nice.

I want to stay a big zero when it comes to this.

I can cross my legs. I can touch my head to my knees. I can go up a flight of stairs without being winded. I can walk and feel strong and buoyant, simultaneously. I take such joy in doing these things I could not do before.

And I"m still fat. Overweight.

Just not obese. :)

What stage are you in? Don't you wanna be a ZERO?

Scale, Pounds Lost ticker Updated, Restarting harder than imagined, and Quote for those working on becoming "Everlasting Splendours"

Tanita-san: 187.0

That brings me to 112 pounds lost.

I'm happy about that. If I lose 2 more pounds, I am numerically, officially, finally, not obese anymore. Two more.

Exercise: I'm out of the habit. Yep. I put off and put off--hubby this, me that, reasons, yadda--walking and didn't. And realized that I'm OUT of the habit. Before, I'd get antsy if I didn't do my walking and Pilates. Now, I'm happy to sit on my butt again.

This is why I don't take "vacations" from healthy eating. I've read the studies (last year, again this year) on how the brain keeps old habit pathways intact, but new ones can be more "active", let's say. And as you keep doing the new stuff, you make the old habits less pressing. However, revert to old ways, and old habits become more pressing.

While I didn't slack on eating well while having our horrible event, I was totally not exercising. Old couch potato  leanings are in force. This is bad. I have to now exert my full will to get myself to move again.

I know, I really do know, that a few weeks of doing my exercise thang and THAT will be my habit again. But now I have to fight to regain that momentum and habituation.

Sucks.

This is why you don't stop.
This is why you don't say "Oh, just while I'm on vacation" or "Just for my birthday weekend". This is why the brain and old habits can be our enemies, while the brain with new habits are our allies.

This is why.

It's hard now. It wasn't hard before.

Old habits don't really die, or if they do, they die hard. DIE, DAMN YOU, DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, so, that was the good and the bad.

I have a ton of laundry to do, my food for today to plan, grocery shopping, and EXERCISE. (And I get the "don't wanna" thoughts just typing "exercise", I kid you not.)

If you have inculcated good habits, keep them up. Slack off and you have to do all the heavy lifting of new-habit forming again.

It's not only positive physical habits I am working on. I started reading a Dallas Willard book last night. I bought it a few months back, but I'm only getting onto it now. I wanted a spiritual read and something to encourage me to move forward and not be beset by grief, fears, doubts. Just keep an eye on TRANSFORMATION, which is my word for this year. Change. Transform. Renew.

He uses quotes from Scripture, of course, and from famous authors. I looked up one of his CS Lewis quotes to get the larger quotation. I like it. I like thinking that we are working to change ourselves, yes, not just on the outside, because inside/outside is interlinked in humans. I believe in soul/spirit/mind, not just body/brain. And I've learned that for me, the inside has to change first to make the outside (words, actions) change. I truly believe we are outside, in what we say and do, what we already are inside. And if we want to change the outside, the inside must be transformed.

For me, mind and soul and, above all, will have to take the step first.

When we cooperate together to take those steps, encourage each other, we're helping in transformations. I think that's pretty cool. Thanks to those who've helped me--authors, bloggers, friends, family. Change is hard. Change is necessary. I hope we're all moving to that better destination, even an inch, today.

Here's the quote, and let's all become "everlasting splendours":

It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you may talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilization—these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit— immortal horrors or everlasting splendours.

My First Day Back to Finding Some Normality Again...random stuff, including some food stuff, some scary stuff, some weepy stuff, some spiritual stuff, some transformational stuff, wonderful stuff

I slept until I felt rested. Nice.

I weighed in, to get back in the habit: 187.6
New Low: Nice. And that with having two starch servings with dinner (boiled yuca with EVOO and garlic and 1/2 cup rice).

I had brown rice with breakfast. I guess that's my starch serving for today.

I prayed: Felt calm. I was bawling again last night (worried about sis' health), so this was a good feeling.

It had been a long time since I felt strong leadings from God or had anything like a vision, and I've had two this past month. I don't doubt that just the intensity of one's feelings, the extent of prayer time, and the more time spent in pondering spiritual things puts one in a more receptive mode. Perhaps, yes?

A call from someone from a very good company looking to see if hubby was interested. Interesting, but worrisome. I don't want to move away from family. This company has several locations in North America, and none are in the South Florida area. Hm. Mixed feelings here.

I have so much to do here--I'm talking seriously a ton of stuff that's frightening me, it's so overwhelming-- in order to position us to move, should that become necessary.

I've lived in the Eastern time zone all my life. ALL MY LIFE. I've never traveled out of it, unless Puerto Rico/St. Thomas counts. To be in Canada or California,etc, the very idea feels freaky. I'm so an "Eastern" gal. And now such a Florida gal. And really, such a Miami gal. It's just weird to imagine being someplace else. I'm praying NOT to have to be someplace else. But am trying to become more flexible, just in case.

I'm not feeling vexed at all these days about food. The temptations came daily and I fought them off. I didn't have a strict enough caloric count to lose much, but I felt really in control. It's a strange new feeling. I want to hold on to that for my whole life. I really like feeling NOT dominated by food desires. Feeling like I am becoming the master (mistress?) of my appetite.

I found the comments on this blog post really interesting. The complicated stuff around losing and keeping weight off, what is the best way to eat, etc, is endlessly interesting to me. I know part of my journey this time is learning what my body likes and can handle. What is optimum, and what is livable...  It's gotta be lifelong, and while some scoff at eating in a way NOW while losing that is livable for life, I think it's a rational way to proceed. I have to diet forever. It's just how it is. I want it to be enjoyable and nutritious, but not...obsessive. That's the path I am trying to forge...so far, so good. But since "pride goeth before a fall", I keep my eyes and ears and heart and mind open to new information and science and psychology and want to be a learner. Learn what's the latest, but adapt it to what "I" need to make it work.

I'm not panicking. I'm not anxiety-ridden (as I normally would be). Death puts other changes in a huge new perspective, a different context.

Anyway, I called hubby and asked if he'd be home in time to walk. Answer: yes.

Restarting old habits.

And...

New starts for new habits.

Today: A new day. "I will rejoice and be glad in it"...as much as I can.

Be well.

One Pound Down for the Week and Now Wearing 38DDDD/E bras....and a pic of the frisky squatters in our yard...

Tanita-san: 196.6

One round pound.

And today for the family event, I can wear a new smaller bra. Well, smaller band, bigger cup. At my highest weight, I was wearing a 48 band size. 10 band sizes down. Nice.

I think I need more cup room not just cause, yeah, my tatas are big, but more cause I have a lot more loose skin in the "side flap" area that gets pulled into the bra cups--you ladies who've lost a ton of weight now what I mean, right?

I'm way happy about smaller band size. I'm not happy about weirdly larger cup size, cause I wanted to buy bras in REGULAR FRICKEN STORES. And it looks like I still have to order online now. Maybe I will check the mall anyway. We have a lot of "enhanced" women in this area, and maybe they went DDDD and E. I might luck out!

Well, my hair is back to curly as of yesterday. Yep, that blowout lasted me MORE than a week. Tuesday I get my greys covered. Saturday after I get it deep conditioned at the Aveda Salon and maybe blown out again, since the Groupon gives me leeway. I don't need a cut, so my choices are limited. And then I'm ready for my June milestone celebrations! (see a previous post about that).

Today, family is getting together. So, after I have a quickie breakfast, I gotta shower and pretty up. I'm taking a change of clothes so we can do something active in the yard....gotta burn da calories!

Speaking of "the yard", we have some squatters:

I hope today is beautiful for you and you get to enjoy it with those you love and who love you right back!

Be well....

OMG, Did you just see OLIVIA on TBL Finale this minute???

Still don't know who won, but she looks AMAZING. HOLY FAT CELLS, that dress is crazy hot. And her legs. And her ARMS!!!!! Wow. She looks killer!

(Didn't like the red dress much, hated the pink-n-black "bridesmaid monstrosity" dress...)

Um...okay, Great line-up of ladies who lost a big-big-big number of pounds....So happy to see a woman win the at-home challenge. Yes!

(Note: Olivia won.  Two ladies win! Well, she's got a great dress for painting the town in celebration. And the moolah, too. ; )  And isn't that the THIRD woman to win who wore PINK shirts? Is that like the lucky color?)

Freaky Day of Cancelled and New Appts, My Curls Blown Out for First Time in 1.5 Years, And Lots of Fanfare About Loss , which was Nice!

Yesterday, Tanita-san said 198.0

I don't weigh on Mon/Thur cause I don't sleep enough those days and am usually hurrying to drink my coffee and water , get dressed, and head to Pilates.

Today, there was a wrench in my plans. I heard this weird beep around 11:10 am (a few minutes before alarm would have gone off), and it turns out it was my clock letting me know power to it was gone. Yep. No electricity. I heard thunking noises out back. The electric company was doing work.

I called my trainer and said I was dressed and ready to head out when the FPL dudes left (the trucks were blocking the garage outlet in the narrow alley AND I had no power to lift the garage door, as it's electric and I have no idea how to get it up manually). Well, come appt time, the FPL dudes were still there and I'm in Miami and it's warm and I have no A/C! I'm in the house in bra and shorts and sneakers. The juice came on around 1:33, and the FPL guys says it will be on for a short spell, then out again for a few hours.

I said, "Can you unblock me so I can get the car out of the garage and be mobile?" He was handsome and nice and did just that. I made a hair appt, got it trimmed and, for a novelty, blown out. Haven't had my hair blown out in 18 months, as I went naturally curly in Nov of 2009.

Hairdresser said my hair was in amazing good health. I said, "I use lots of good moisturizers and oils and I don't blow out or use flatirons. My hair has grown out without being abused. I also don't use regular shampoos. I use either a conditioner to cleanse, or a lowpoo cleanser (mild, no sulfates), and only occasionally use a stronger clarifying poo (a couple times a year), to make sure there's no build-up. I add conditioner to my hair every day after I get up and leave it in there. :)

Hypothyroid gals know what I mean when I say my hair thinned and turned to straw from the disease, and so it needs gentle care and loads of moisture. I have a lot less hair than I used to. Dang you, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis!

Here's pics of the blown-out Princess, who will soon be reverting to her natural curls. She didn't use any gels, creams, leave-ins or serums. My hair, essentially product free:

I'll do a protein treatment and deep condish to nurture it after the blow-drying trauma and back to my regularly scheduled curls, as in these pics from earlier this year:

Since I had no electricity and couldn't fix my eggs, I headed to the bagel place after my hair appt. I had eggs scrambled with spinach and mushrooms, some bacon, coffee, lots of water, and asked her to bag up the bagel (comes with eggs) and potatoes for hubby. He may not want either, but hey, I paid for 'em, so they're coming home for him or the trash.

I got so much hoopla at both the salon and the bagel place. I hadn't been to either in 3 months, so I've had more losses. :) Like 27 pounds more. I kept getting fussed over, complimented. I was a bit embarrassed, but it still was a glowing feeling mixed in with the embarrassment. :) The waitresses started talking to me about their losses and food issues (one lost 80+ and the other 50+ and she's an OA member).

I kept hearing, "transformation" and "makeover" and "look younger" and "look great" at both the salon and the restaurant. It's encouraging. I have a ways to go, so being cheered on is a good thing.

And to all who cheered me on here, complimented me, and made me feel like a REAL Princess, thank you. Thanks so much!

Well, since I didn't get my usual 1 hour Pilates, I'm gonna have to figure out another way to ramp up some activity here at home. I feel out of sorts when I don't get my good trainer-facilitated workout. My joints and body always feels so energized and GOOD after Pilates... Oh, and I lost my trainer fee. The policy is 24 hours for cancellation. Gee, thanks, FPL, for not giving ME warning!


I'll leave ya with two pics, one of me and one of my hubby, before our walk last evening. My hair is gunky and damp (it was dirty, and I like to wet my hair before walking to help keep me cool). Notice the TUCKED IN top. ; )  I am still fat, but hey, I have a waist:

Gunky Hair and 198.0 lbs May 18, 2011

Sweet Honeypie o' mine at 170 lbs who needs posture work. Computer hunch, begone!

Down a bit closer to Onederland, Change in Blog Look, Well-timed Photo Find to Use for Before/After when 100 lbs lost, , Expecting a Celebratory Weekend (fingers crossed), and Loving Ourselves and Living Life At Any Size...

Tanita-san: 200.2

That's .6 down from yesterday. Getting there, getting there...getting the confetti ready!

In order to get ready for a whole nother "century" (ie, getting under 200 into the 100s), I fiddled with the blog. It's a "leaner" look, simpler, but the colors reflect my sense of reaching higher (sky colors) and feeling fresher (water colors) and feeling hope and possibilities (wide open brightnesses) and movement (the swirliness). It may not be the most original blogskinning, but it feels right for now and the next milestone, which is so close.

I had planned to change the look of the blog next month, but some weird Blogger thing happened and my blog look got reset to default. Don't know why. Was all flowery and normal blog look one minute, and the next it had blanked out. Worried for a sec I got hacked.

It turned out to be a fortuitous error. I got to update the blog on a good day. Possibly the day before Onederland. I had hoped to reach it by last Sunday, and then I hoped to reach it by Saturday next. I may still make it. Who knows? The body can be weird. But I'm eager to see a 3 digit number that begins with a one....1....1......1.....1.....ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As if the cosmos is in tune with my milestone (in addition to the timely Blogger blooper), I was clearing out some old magazines and books (in my quest to rid myself of more than body clutter) and found a pic of me at my highest weight. I didn't think I had one handy. I tended to avoid cameras. But I found one. Me at 299. It's not digital and it's glued into a diet book. (Of course. Me hoping back in 2007 not to see 300+ on my home scale.)

The book was part of a course by Julia Havey, a 12 week one, that came with CDs and an exercise DVD, and it was called the LifeChanger course. My life did not change. I only filled out 10 pages consecutively, then filled out another two a year later. But I did paste the photo of "Biggest Me"  in me there, and now it's part of my transformation documentation for when I lose 100 lbs. Hooray!

I was 289 in 2007 when I started doing the course. I fizzled out days later. I didn't stay the "course".  That's the story of my dieting life. A day on. A week on. Then not. Then months of eating nuts. A week or four on WW. Then regain.

I've been losing for nearly a year. Look at my sidebar for weigh-ins. See the near constant downward trajectory. No binges. If there was an uptick, it was sodium bloat, not binge bloat.  I've been exercising regularly for 3 years. Something changed, yes?

I'm so glad I found the photo. I want to post a pic of me at 299 and me at 199. When I get to 199, I need to remember to have hubby shoot me a good body shot! Before and After.

Of course, that "after" will be another kind of before. Goal still to come....

Hubby wanted to celebrate when I reached "100 Pounds Lost!" status. :) I do, too. I don't know how that celebration will be set up, but I definitely want to mark the occasion. It's a lot of hard work and lifestyle change to lose 100 pounds. I earned that coming celebration. :)

And even though I'm delighted with my weight loss so far, I do believe it's vitally important to work on the idea of "health at any size". Whether you're 400, 300, 200, or 100 lbs. I think we need to find the love of self and love of life and desire for health to live and love.

Don't shake your head and say, "Can't do it!" It's hard. I know. Try.

I hated my morbidly obese body. I hid away. I have had my neuroses, depressions, and binge issues. I have had self-loathing since childhood. It's hard to self-love, but I do think that it's necessary to say, "I deserve to have joy, do fun things, meet people, have relationships that are healthy, have a career or have kids and LIVE LIVE LIVE" no matter what size. No matter what size, we have inherent human worth.

God doesn't love any of us less cause we're fat or thin or in between. Our souls are not less valuable cause their "temples" are supersized. Our creativity and ability to love isn't hampered by adipose tissue. People don't need our contributions less cause we hand them our assistance with chubby fingers.

Some things are affected--and it's those things that spurred me on to lose the weight. Diabetes. High blood pressure. Lack of proper mobility. Difficulty with hygiene (sorry , but wiping your butt properly, front to back, is nigh impossible at supersizes). Sex (some positions become cumbersome or impossible). Finding stylish clothes. Joint damage from the stress on knees, hips, ankles, feet. Discrimination. Fertility can be adversely affected. Surgery becomes more dangerous. Might have to buy 2 seats on a plane. Might not FIT in a seat on a plane, or a concert hall, or a restaurant.

I love concerts, dance, live comedy. I stopped going to concerts and clubs due to how uncomfortable I was stuffing myself into the seats. I'd spill over into other seats and was self-conscious.

BUT..with all that, I still believe we do ourselves a disservice when we say, "I'm too fat to do that." I've done that with swimming (the swimsuit fear), with going back to school (the fear of not fitting in seats and being the fattest in the class), with looking for work (who will hire a 300 pound middle-aged woman with bad teeth and a gaping hole in her resume). With socializing (avoiding weddings and banquets and parties).

I can do more now. I don't fear seats in public. But I feel bad about the me that hid away.

If you are still not at a weight where you feel you can do stuff, can live, then I say try. When I was still 278 lbs, I decided to try Pilates. It was HARD to walk into a studio with thin models and sleek dancers. HARD! But I did it. I went walking on the beach when I was 268. Not swimming, but at least not avoiding the pretty places and fresh air. I decided last year to do stuff, even at 260+--go to a game park and go on the rides, while barely fitting into go-karts and the little boats and such. I did Dance Dance Revolution in a video game center. I went back to see a show at the theater.

Might as well live now. Not weight or WAIT... for goal weight. Not wait for "skinny".

Who knows if we'll live long enough for goal weight? No one knows their day or hour with death.

Live now. Do something that scares you. Like I did with walking and sprinting. It SCARED ME. I did it. Like Pilates. Like the beach walks.

For you, it might be something else. It might be going on a date after years of isolation. It might be trying a dress that's not loose and hides you. It might be going to a chi-chi restaurant with small tables. It might be applying for a job you're afraid they won't give to the "large" gal. Or guy. It might be going back to school or riding on a jet ski or playing Frisbee.

Do it this weekend or next week or this month or by (chooose a date). Do something really fun and don't let the fat stop you.

Although I do diet (eat in a way to reach goals of health and size) and want to lose 40 more pounds, I value people at every size. Everyone has beauty. Everyone has worth. Everyone has something to contribute to the earth and universe. I didn't always believe it about myself, and that was MY FALSEHOOD. My broken philosophy affected by a society's craziness about beauty and slenderness and money and assorted things. I was a poor, sickly, ethnic immigrant kid, and that colored how I felt about myself due to the images of that time (sixties, seventies). But I'm grown-up now and it's time to come fully into my own. Finally. Late, but hope is always waiting for us...

For a book that might help, I saw this one reviewed on another blog and thought it had a great perspective on LIVING LIFE at any size. The two excerpts I read were nicely written, too.  She may not promote dieting, but she promotes a vital, fulfilling existence where one's value is not tied to one's size. We need to hear that message.

I hope you love yourself more today and live your life happier today....you are immeasurably valuable. Just as you are. And so am I.

Day 44 of Phase 5: Fighting the Hatsume Bloat, Pics--including me and my Baggier Clothes, Feeling Energetic and Joyful, And Recommending the Transformative Blog Series...because the Transformation Inside is Essential....

I refuse to get on the scale. I'm still bloated from the insane amounts of sodium I consumed at the Hatsume Festival and in my Turkish Salad when we ate out Sunday night.

Between the soy sauce, teriyaki sauce, and feta cheese, my kidneys are creaking and the bags under my eyes are undesirable. The heat rash is also not all that becoming, but it's the price I pay for extended exposure to the sunlight in warm weather. I got a horrible case last summer (required steroid shot and cream), but it was worth it for the loads of fun we had.

Making sure I get my fruit in for the potassium. Making sure I do no skimping on water. Making sure I move to keep the blood pumping and filtering. I don't want to screw up my weigh-in cause I'm a Bloatball.

Here are a few pics of the lovely Sunday out (first the Hatsume--meaning "First Bud" --Festival at the Morikami Japanese Gardens) then at the broadwalk on Hollywood Beach to see the Supermoon rise....

My Beloved with the koi pond and well-tended foliage

I had a tough time finding something suitable (and cool enough, as it was in the 80s) to wear. My bed was piled with stuff too baggy to be comfy or flattering. I wanted something floral to represent spring, and I was down to only 3 tops that still sorta fit. One had longer sleeves and was less cool, one was sleeveless and my batwings would have been horridly on display. I went with the one that had a kimono vibe and was slightly baggy, but doable. The new jeans were already too loose in the thighs (though the waist fit okay, which was important and my pants falling is NOT an option).

Here's a pic of my clothes NOT fitting me right (which also makes you look FATTER, in case you didn't know. Well-fitting clothes, snugger in spots, gives you shape. This makes me shapeless. Ugh. Behold:

Ill-fitting clothes, but hey, I'm still HAPPY! And I adore my red Lucky bag...

Lots of nice trees. I saw this beautiful green on one young tree and asked hubby to take a pic. A fresh green that meant "spring" to me:

The baggy top that makes my boobs look enormous and the fresh green leafy tree...

My Sweetie and the Orange Supermoon over the Atlantic

Me, the surf,  and the Supermoon around 10pm

That's me at 10pm. After getting 6 hours sleep and being on my feet since noon. Look at my face. I may be a bit tired, but I'm not dead with exhaustion. Not after walking for 5 hours at the Hatsume Festival, then walking 2.5 hours on the broadwalk. I can still go for more...

 I can assure you, that I would have pooped out long before this before last fall. I would have not been able to do half this much when I was 280 and 300 lbs. I simply did not have the energy and if I stood on my feet more than an hour, my feet and ankles would blow up like balloons. I would pass out.

Okay, so you see, I had a good time doing stuff I could not do morbidly obese. At least, not do as long or with as much joy and energy.


Getting lighter and fitter means we can have MORE fun. :) That matters, right?

Now, on to a recommended blog series: If you aren't familiar with REFUSE TO REGAIN blog and the book by that name, I recommend both. Very helpful. Very tip-savvy. I got the book (which is aimed at those MAINTAINING their weight losses) because I intend to become a maintainer (and to some extent, already am, cause I've been losing and not regaining for a while now). The insight in what it takes to MAINTAIN a loss is key to all "losers." Do yourself a favor. Follow the blog. Get the book. :)

The blog has begun a series by Dr. Barbara Berkeley on TRANSFORMATIVE PRINCIPLES and the first entry is up. READ IT HERE.


I totally believe it is about transforming inside, not just out. All my other efforts were so episodic and brief and inconsistent and lacking in inner change. But the last 4 years of weight loss blogging were this sort of fertile ground that gave me input, input, trial and error, input, and hope. And when it clicked and the transformation began inside for real, then I saw results outside.

It's a process for sure. But I feel different..and I don't mean energy levels, size, etc. I mean...how I see food, how I see the bigger picture of eating...I'm not cured of wanting to overeat and eat bad stuff...but I am so much more sane. No binge in more than 9 months. Who'd a thunk it?

Well, the landscape in my interior is like a garden that's finally coming into a green as fresh as the one in that pic above. It makes me happy.

Be well...eat well....move soundly...believe in change...believe....and keep fighting the fat!