Still Down a bit; Still Up A Bit; Time for Maintenance; and Working to Transition to Creative Project While Not Losing all Weight Loss Habits...

I'm at 180.0.
I'm still feeling down and apathetic.
I have barely left my house in the last 3.5 weeks.
I haven't gotten together with family since Mother's Day.

Yes, this is not good and this does not make me happy.

That I'm not right back into obesity (ie, 185+ pounds for me) is a miracle. Some good habits have held, thank God. But they can slip so easily. So easily. I see an extra portion here and there. Days with hardly any movement.

On the plus side:

I walked day before yesterday, 25 minutes, at night to counter my heat intolerance. It was nice, if a little scary: I live in a high crime area, so walking at night solo is a risk.

I marched in place yesterday for 15 minutes and did some stretches. I managed a teaser on my yoga a few times. So, I was happy.  Even late last year, I couldn't do that.

One of my reasons for losing weight was to improve my health and focus so I could tackle writing again. For those who haven't been reading my blogs for years, I used to write (poetry, fiction--both short and novel length-- and edit for online SF mags).  I won a few contests, started networking with fellow writers, and then had two editors from two publishing houses I was targeting ask to see my manuscript. Both were enthusiastic. Both contacted me; I did not contact them. They'd seen my chapter and were excited.

I freaked. All my neuroses went on hyper. I stopped being able to write. Blocked. It's been five years now. My fear overtook me.

So, getting healthy was about overcoming my blocks and compulsions, but I needed health to do that. So tackling my weight was the big #1 project to open doors to the things I want to do before I die. Like organize my life/home/finances. Like travel. Like socialize like normal folks, instead of being an urban hermint. Like write. And not just write ONE thing. Make writing a part of my life. Earn money doing it. :)

I've pretty much accepted that my body doesn't want to go lower than this maintenance range I've been in for more than 7 months. The sacrifices in burning calories and lowering food intake are not feasible for me. We all come to conclusions about what we are WILLING to do, willing to suffer, willing to put out for an outcome.

I'm not willing to sacrifice more for a slimmer physique.

This is it. I have hit the wall and the wall is okay. I am not unhappy at this weight. As long as I don't slack on exercising--like I have with this depression--as long as I get back to consistent working out, I can live well here. 178 to 181 is not a range that disgusts me.

I accept it.

If later, I want to tackle it strongly again, I'll reconsider. But mentally and physically, I seem to have hit the place where eating modestly (1600 calories) and working out without feverishness has settled me.

I am content, if not deleriously pleased. :)

I want to move on to the other big projects. Organization and Creating with Words.

I can't give the last 20 lbs my undivided focus when I have to move forward. Time is fleeting. I can live at this weight. So, I will now focus on MAINTENANCE. I may have to shift to another blog name, since I am no longer focused on hitting 160 by Sept 3. I am focused on maintaining this range I've been maintaining (177 to 181 or so) while doing the other projects.

How this transition will happen, blog-wise, I'm not sure. I may rename this one, or open another blog. But I need to move on to finding my writing and organization mojo (they are linked, in my mind).

With the iffiness of hubby's employment situation--his company is doing big layoffs--organization and financial revamping becomes even more key. We may have to move cross-country. Who knows? Hope not, but preparation can't hurt. Just in case.  I want to think of it as an adventure, and fight my neuroses telling me it's panic time.

I'm hoping FERVENTLY that my creative brain didn't decay too much through disuse these last 5 years. If I created something that interested editors in 2006 and 2007, then I can do it again. I hope. :D  It will take months to get back into writer mode. I start..today!

There ya go. This is where I am. Moving along to Projects 2 (and 3).  Yep. This one panel comic says it for me:

Be well...

Ready for Summer Challenge: Finale-- not ready for summer, actually, but hey, I made some progress.

I started this challenge with these stats:

Weight: 182.4
Waist: 35 in.

I ended it with these:

Weight: 179.0
Waist: 34.75

I had wanted to lose a total of FIVE pounds and get to 177.4. I did get to 177.4, but then I ate salty crap right back up to 179.

So, I only officially lost 3.4 lbs. I am happy just to see a lower number than at the start. Wish I could have held on to my goal of 177.4--cause I did make it!--but it's really hard to focus when I'm in this depressive mood.

Been eating lots of salty stuff due to cravings. Olives, pickles, cheese, some ham, some turkey pastrami, some bacon with my eggs.

I'm still frustratingly demotivated. I'm barely moving. I'm not tracking.

But I'm not totally out of it. That's the best I can say. I still have some good habits--fluids, lots of fruits and veggies, trying to get adequate rest, thinking about what to do to reignite. My mind is still partially in it, and thanks to this challenge, I haven't tossed all good habits or desires about my weight into the wind.

I think holding on is valuable, so I won't discount it. In past lesser depressions, I'd easily gain 5, 10, 15+ pounds from stuffing pizza and lasagna and burritos and mac-n-cheese and french fries into my gut to get a food high. I have wanted more starches, but I've had fresh organic corn and steamed rice and baked organic sweet potatoes and gluten-free rice crackers, not Taco Bell and Pizza Hut.

I want to thank Maren for hosting this challenge. You're a lovely person. God bless you and all my fellow challengers. I hope we keep at it, because perseverance pays off.

Be well...

So, we work REALLY FRICKEN HARD to lose weight and exercise, with all those odds against us, work on issues, see specialists, read and learn, weep and try again when we fall...WORK HARD AS HECK to lose 50, 100, 150+ pounds...and they still think less of us? People! That's CRAZY!

New research out of the University of Hawaii at Mānoa, The University of Manchester and Monash University, has revealed that anti-fat prejudice still persisted against former obese women, even after they had lost a significant amount of weight.

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/health/2012/05/29/overweight-women-experience-obesity-stigma-even-after-weight-loss-study-finds/#ixzz1wNrZB5r9

Personal note:  I had a bunless double cheeseburger yesterday with a salad with gorgonzola, apples, and walnuts plus papaya for meal one. Pretty caloric. Then,  I had egg whites with shredded cheddar and a cameo apple with some walnuts and coconut water for meal two. I went a bit over 2100 calories. And I'm up one pound. Not pleased, but also not feeling terribly guilty. The depression makes me a bit apathetic. Not good. But as I'm not into self-flagellation, anyway, that's fine. I simply state it. Poor portion control.

But moving on....

Vampire hours and lowest weight on journey....and remembering the ones who gave all...

Today, the lowest I've been on this weight loss journey: 177.2

I had seen that number briefly, one day, back in December, as part of this weird little maintaining thing that I seem to be stuck in (not wholly negative, I'll add). It's nice to see it again. It's not nice to see it when I'm depressed, so I didn't feel anything overly happy. It's just..nice.

It'll be nicer if it's not--again-- the lower boundary of a maintenance cycle, and nice if I don't see it go back up and up.

What will be REALLY nice is if I see 177.0 and lower, and that shows some sort of actual non-maintenance progress.

In the "This Sucks, Buffy!" department: I'm sleeping the worst schedule. I'm in bed at 7 in the morning, up at 4pm. But hey, that was earlier today than getting up at 5pm. My weekend just slipped off without me. A wasted day off for hubby, as I can't get the mojo to shower or dress or do anything. I just am a limp rag here. On Vampire schedule. It's really tough to get out of this sleep pattern, but I always have to get out of it to function; and it stresses the body to switch....argh. Had to cancel today's Pilates. Could not be  awake at 1pm.

To end on a positive: I have controlled my calories for the last two days, even though I want to eat everything I see in commercials. Add that to the "nice" category. :)

One more nice thing: the initial bounties of "summer fruit". I love fruit. I've been eating lots since I began dieting. I tried to control it a bit more when pre-diabetic, but when summer comes, sorry, I go all fruit-mad. :D The peaches from my oganic coop have been lovely lovely lovely! The strawberries have been astounding. I got watermelon, and am cutting it today. I can't wait for the various peaches and plums to start rolling in. The cherries, sadly, are not yet great.

And today, I'm thinking about and grateful for those who are brave enough to take on the risks of defending this wonderful country. I live my life in freedom cause others have put on uniforms and some, many, have died. And this is not something to take lightly. God bless and comfort the families who have suffered losses. Thank you, all who have sacrificed.

Ready for Summer Update #9: Next To Last Week...and a loss, at last. Still depressed, though...Oh, and Exercise? What exercise?

Tanita-San:177.6
Last Week: 178.8

Um, color me shocked. I was hoping for staying the same and afraid of regain (I had a couple days when I ate over 2000 calories.)

I did not one lick of exercise. NOT ONE. I cancelled my trainer sessions and just wallowed a bit in my depression. I've slept 12 hours pretty much most days. I feel completely lacking in vim.

So, clearly, I sucked this week. I met NOT goals other than the weight and fluid ones. That's it. And I had to struggle to do this update, as my motivation is at ground level. Well, not in the basement, or I would be 10 pounds up by now. But I'm hanging on enough.

The loss is a fluke. Maybe the stress burns calories. Hubby's company is set to lay off anywhere from 2K to 6K employees, so I'm stressing BIG time. And still depressed. Stress, anxiety and depression.

Maybe the loss is from muscle atrophy from not doing squat. Could be? ; )

I checked on something: We started this challenge with 57 folks. Last week, 21 updated. We lost 36 challengers along the way.

To all who are sticking by your commitment to this challenge, good for you. I've not done well, but I committed, so I'm trying to hang in here and update and be accountable.

 It's lovely to see some former challengers from my previous challenges--Jo, Nanette, etc--hanging in!

To those who dropped out, what happened? Did you struggle a lot, too? I feel ya. Don't lose heart. Try again.

I flunked this challenge so far. No question. And I don't wallow for it. Not one bit.

A look back to now: My initial goals of activity were often met. My caloric ones, less consistently. My fluid ones 99%. I missed some mini-challenges, especially as the depression came on.

I think if I hadn't had this accountability, I'd be in a worse place. Maybe. Only God knows. BUT...I think so. So, for that alone, I am very grateful. Thank you, Maren.

I hope some of the ladies who ditched the challenge reassess, make an update, and join in for the finale. Let's finish together. Only one week left. ONE week is enough to recommit, to make some progress, to learn something, to encourage someone, to be encouraged. One week can count!

Okay, specifics for week past, then the final week goals:

I didn't make it in time to link up to the mini-challenge, but what I planned for it was to resume tracking. I'm struggling even with consistency with tracking, but at least trying to makes me think about calories more, daily.  My apathetic and depressed self didn't get on this until FRIDAY of this past week. BUT, it was having this challenge in mind that got me back on that horse. Because of that, I was able to assess again where my food is, the state of my eating. This is valuable. :D

My NSVs were not wallowing in delivery. I gave in two days to delivery Chinese, a type of food I'd almost given up as I'd lost weight. Part of me was craving that old comfort. But then I caught myself and stopped on the rest of the days when I didn't wanna dress or make food. I wanted to make calls and have food brought to me. So, for me, the NSV was saying no to that 5 days out of 7. It wasn't easy. My depressed brain wanted the salty-fatty-delivery. Instead, I dragged myself to the kitchen and made my eggs or my salad or my soup when sloth got the better of me. This was my NSV for the week. A minimal one, but it counts a lot to me. The days I said NO were more than the days I said YES to bad habits from the past.

Goal for last week: I would love to end the challenge a little lower than I started, but if I end up the same weight, it will still be a victory to me. Not gaining is a victory to me, especially when my heart is not in it and being back in it even a bit is a daily fight.I think if I can get beyond my own emotional dark-block and MOVE in the SUN, I'll feel better and maybe lose a bit. So, the only goals I'm setting is to continue tracking and to move, at something, anything, just get out of my brooding bed and move.

Not quitting, ever. :)

Be well

Diet, Depression, Life Issues...and a reality check: It could be so,so,so much worse. And a very good story to prove it. And yes, a long, rambly thing to basically say...let's be good to each other....

Man, I had a seriously emotional day yesterday.

The last two days, I've had crying spells. They come, often, with these mild depressions. Crying and acne. Tells me there's a chemical thing going on, cause I haven't had acne since menopause hit, and there are zits on my chin and jaw. It's the hormonal wackiness that brings me the blues.

 Interestingly, with the deep clinical depressions I've had, the suicidal ideation or "life is not worth living at all" ones, it's more a sort of mini-death of apathy and lying around and stuffing with food and books for sensation and escape, with spurts of outbursts of tears, but mostly silence.

With milder depressions, it's more ongoing low-level weepyness and thoughts of low-self worth, but I want to talk about it. To self. To God. To Hubby. Not silent like deep depressions.

It's not something I like to talk about, this weakness of mine. I hid this from friends and family for decades as best I could, because who wants to be downer? Who wants to show this pathetic side?

Well, here it is.  The self-absorption of depressives is a non-pretty thing.

Depression--mild, middling, or deep-- makes us lose perspective.

When I'm depressed, I read. I read to escape. Have since childhood. To get away from body, feelings, and go somewhere else.

Yesterday, I read one of the Nebula Award nominated stories--"The Man Who Ended History: A Documentary" by Ken Liu.

The awards were announced last weekend. I'd been meaning to read the nominees since I saw the  list, but, well, you know, it got put off. At first, I was taken by the physics premise --I had seen a program with an astrophysicist who discussed this particular quantum phenomenon, and I thought it would make a great premise for a story and had been pondering it myself.

But then the main part of the story took me to a very painful place.

The story takes as inspiration some really awful things that happened in China during its war with the Japanese in the 1930s. And it also takes some points from the work/life/death of Iris Chang, who wrote about the Rape of Nanking (yet another horror from that time). Do not read this story if you don't have a tolerance of sorts for the truth about what humans do.

Or maybe read it and let yourself be shredded a bit. It might be therapeutic.

I'm one of those people who took YEARS before I could watch SCHINDLER'S LIST, and then was sick for a week after, crying and having bad dreams. I remember the first time I saw a drama about the holocaust (it was on TV in the 70s and had Meryl Streep and James Woods in it, though I forget the exact name). I went and puked and had to stop watching. When I saw NICHOLAS AND ALEXANDRA as a 12 or 13 year old, I went home, fell on the floor, and just bawled. And for 2 weeks after, whenever I thought about the execution scene, I'd start bawling again.

When I read stories of child abuse or horrors in the paper, I start weeping. I sometimes can't get it out of my head for weeks. There's one man I still pray for, years later, who had been imprisoned falsely. I keep praying his life now is happy and makes up for it. When I first read about Darfur (long before the Hollywood elite got wind of it, cause charitable channels and Christian agencies were alerting folks about it), I gave, then gave again, because how could you not? When you read about famines, don't you want to send food? When you read about a disaster, don't you want to help send aid?

And when you read about atrocities, you are ashamed to be a human who whines about petty issues.

So, that's the context. I get really upset at the stuff we humans do that seems unbelievable...unthinkable.

Part of why when I was younger and before my health crashed major time, I volunteered a lot. Sometimes, it overwhelms you and you want to add some good to the stew that's this world.

Okay, so I'm mildly depressed and I read a story about the sorts of things we do to each other that will make the strongest man bawl.

I bawled. For hours. I prayed, for hours. I begged God to make us stop doing that. To not let us do it again.

I know, a naive prayer.

If you never heard of Unit 731--and I had prior to this, which hurts me even more as I'm a Japanophile--you should read it.  If you never heard of the Rape of Nanking, you should inform yourself. But have a strong stomach.

Just like we should know about the Cambodian killing fields, the Holocaust, the Rwandan civil war, our own  history with the natives, with Africans, with (add your own category of huge oppression). We should know it, because we have to want to NOT repeat it. And it starts with each of us. Whether it's the German Nazis, Japanese Imperialists, slave traders, Stalinists, Mao's cultural revolution, North Korea's dictators--humans are prone to become twisted in some shocking ways. You and I.

That Japanese soldier at Nanking could be...my brother, your son, your or my husband. We're made of the same thing. It's awful to contemplate that WE are capable of THAT. Me.

And it's a corrective to perspective.

When we get all worked up over what we ate or didn't exercise or the scale is up one or five pounds, it tends to look amazingly stupid in the face of REAL problems.

Allan used to do this time and again during his diet posting. Link to a mother with a sick child or a woman with a dire illness. Perspective.

Hard as it may be for some of us, dieting and exercise, it's  paltry thing, a minor inconvenience, in the face of what goes on every day in the world.

Put it in perspective. Let's not whine too much about it. We do it, or we don't do it. and in the end, we can lose the proper viewpoint. Let's be healthful and live good live, because some folks can't. Let's eat properly, because some can't. Let's honor our bodies, because very easily, with a twist of fate, we could be having our bodies' honor ripped from us by men turned to beasts.

You think the folks at the World Trade Center, facing a decision to jump or die in flames, worried about being overweight? No. They wanted to be with the people they loved, living normal lives. They'd want peace.

This is a downer of a post. But read the story. Remember. Say a prayer for peace. And put the diet and exercise and scale and food thing into perspective. We are able to overcome--food and sloth and self-hate and self-destruction--and we are able to overcome the base part o fus that makes things like what are depicted in that story-based-on-truth possible. We have the ability to be BETTER. To not look down on each other, hate each other, laugh and ridicule each other, dehumanize each other. Not for being fat, or for being different in all sorts of ways.

Every blog that spews hate on dieters or anyone adds to the beast that results in killing fields. It starts small and grows big. Small words of disdain become large propaganda schemes that end up piling people into camps.

Dehumanization does this. When you stop seeing your neighbor as yourself..as the same as you. As worthy as you of respect and sympathy.

Let's not dehumanize, even in this small, minor thing that is dieting, so small in the grand scheme. Even in this, let's show mercy and love.

I read about The Transfiguration last night in two Bibles and  in my devotion. That's what I want. To shine. To be the better me. We have glory inside us and glory ahead of us, if we choose it.  I gotta go find my joy again, and I thank the story for slapping me with truth and perspective. I must grasp and be grateful for my life; I owe it to the ones who had theirs stolen.

Now, go be kind to someone, including yourself. Spread the good. There's never enough good. 

Be well...