Wednesday, May 30, 2012

So, we work REALLY FRICKEN HARD to lose weight and exercise, with all those odds against us, work on issues, see specialists, read and learn, weep and try again when we fall...WORK HARD AS HECK to lose 50, 100, 150+ pounds...and they still think less of us? People! That's CRAZY!

New research out of the University of Hawaii at Mānoa, The University of Manchester and Monash University, has revealed that anti-fat prejudice still persisted against former obese women, even after they had lost a significant amount of weight.

Personal note:  I had a bunless double cheeseburger yesterday with a salad with gorgonzola, apples, and walnuts plus papaya for meal one. Pretty caloric. Then,  I had egg whites with shredded cheddar and a cameo apple with some walnuts and coconut water for meal two. I went a bit over 2100 calories. And I'm up one pound. Not pleased, but also not feeling terribly guilty. The depression makes me a bit apathetic. Not good. But as I'm not into self-flagellation, anyway, that's fine. I simply state it. Poor portion control.
But moving on....

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Just a quote to get my depressed butt in motion...

In a paper, published in Physiological Reviews, the journal of the American Physiological Society, Karpe and Frayn describe how exercise not only prompts fat cells to release fat for use by muscles but also that raising fitness gives a long-term boost to the mechanisms that burn fat - meaning that fit people find it easier to get rid of fat.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Vampire hours and lowest weight on journey....and remembering the ones who gave all...

Today, the lowest I've been on this weight loss journey: 177.2

I had seen that number briefly, one day, back in December, as part of this weird little maintaining thing that I seem to be stuck in (not wholly negative, I'll add). It's nice to see it again. It's not nice to see it when I'm depressed, so I didn't feel anything overly happy. It's just..nice.

It'll be nicer if it's not--again-- the lower boundary of a maintenance cycle, and nice if I don't see it go back up and up.

What will be REALLY nice is if I see 177.0 and lower, and that shows some sort of actual non-maintenance progress.

In the "This Sucks, Buffy!" department: I'm sleeping the worst schedule. I'm in bed at 7 in the morning, up at 4pm. But hey, that was earlier today than getting up at 5pm. My weekend just slipped off without me. A wasted day off for hubby, as I can't get the mojo to shower or dress or do anything. I just am a limp rag here. On Vampire schedule. It's really tough to get out of this sleep pattern, but I always have to get out of it to function; and it stresses the body to switch....argh. Had to cancel today's Pilates. Could not be  awake at 1pm.

To end on a positive: I have controlled my calories for the last two days, even though I want to eat everything I see in commercials. Add that to the "nice" category. :)

One more nice thing: the initial bounties of "summer fruit". I love fruit. I've been eating lots since I began dieting. I tried to control it a bit more when pre-diabetic, but when summer comes, sorry, I go all fruit-mad. :D The peaches from my oganic coop have been lovely lovely lovely! The strawberries have been astounding. I got watermelon, and am cutting it today. I can't wait for the various peaches and plums to start rolling in. The cherries, sadly, are not yet great.

And today, I'm thinking about and grateful for those who are brave enough to take on the risks of defending this wonderful country. I live my life in freedom cause others have put on uniforms and some, many, have died. And this is not something to take lightly. God bless and comfort the families who have suffered losses. Thank you, all who have sacrificed.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Ready for Summer Update #9: Next To Last Week...and a loss, at last. Still depressed, though...Oh, and Exercise? What exercise?

Last Week: 178.8

Um, color me shocked. I was hoping for staying the same and afraid of regain (I had a couple days when I ate over 2000 calories.)

I did not one lick of exercise. NOT ONE. I cancelled my trainer sessions and just wallowed a bit in my depression. I've slept 12 hours pretty much most days. I feel completely lacking in vim.

So, clearly, I sucked this week. I met NOT goals other than the weight and fluid ones. That's it. And I had to struggle to do this update, as my motivation is at ground level. Well, not in the basement, or I would be 10 pounds up by now. But I'm hanging on enough.

The loss is a fluke. Maybe the stress burns calories. Hubby's company is set to lay off anywhere from 2K to 6K employees, so I'm stressing BIG time. And still depressed. Stress, anxiety and depression.

Maybe the loss is from muscle atrophy from not doing squat. Could be? ; )

I checked on something: We started this challenge with 57 folks. Last week, 21 updated. We lost 36 challengers along the way.

To all who are sticking by your commitment to this challenge, good for you. I've not done well, but I committed, so I'm trying to hang in here and update and be accountable.

 It's lovely to see some former challengers from my previous challenges--Jo, Nanette, etc--hanging in!

To those who dropped out, what happened? Did you struggle a lot, too? I feel ya. Don't lose heart. Try again.

I flunked this challenge so far. No question. And I don't wallow for it. Not one bit.

A look back to now: My initial goals of activity were often met. My caloric ones, less consistently. My fluid ones 99%. I missed some mini-challenges, especially as the depression came on.

I think if I hadn't had this accountability, I'd be in a worse place. Maybe. Only God knows. BUT...I think so. So, for that alone, I am very grateful. Thank you, Maren.

I hope some of the ladies who ditched the challenge reassess, make an update, and join in for the finale. Let's finish together. Only one week left. ONE week is enough to recommit, to make some progress, to learn something, to encourage someone, to be encouraged. One week can count!

Okay, specifics for week past, then the final week goals:

I didn't make it in time to link up to the mini-challenge, but what I planned for it was to resume tracking. I'm struggling even with consistency with tracking, but at least trying to makes me think about calories more, daily.  My apathetic and depressed self didn't get on this until FRIDAY of this past week. BUT, it was having this challenge in mind that got me back on that horse. Because of that, I was able to assess again where my food is, the state of my eating. This is valuable. :D

My NSVs were not wallowing in delivery. I gave in two days to delivery Chinese, a type of food I'd almost given up as I'd lost weight. Part of me was craving that old comfort. But then I caught myself and stopped on the rest of the days when I didn't wanna dress or make food. I wanted to make calls and have food brought to me. So, for me, the NSV was saying no to that 5 days out of 7. It wasn't easy. My depressed brain wanted the salty-fatty-delivery. Instead, I dragged myself to the kitchen and made my eggs or my salad or my soup when sloth got the better of me. This was my NSV for the week. A minimal one, but it counts a lot to me. The days I said NO were more than the days I said YES to bad habits from the past.

Goal for last week: I would love to end the challenge a little lower than I started, but if I end up the same weight, it will still be a victory to me. Not gaining is a victory to me, especially when my heart is not in it and being back in it even a bit is a daily fight.I think if I can get beyond my own emotional dark-block and MOVE in the SUN, I'll feel better and maybe lose a bit. So, the only goals I'm setting is to continue tracking and to move, at something, anything, just get out of my brooding bed and move.

Not quitting, ever. :)

Be well

Friday, May 25, 2012

Formally Tracking Again....and an apology with some comments on "whining" and what I mean by it...

Okay, so I haven't tracked, walked, or really been disciplined in a couple weeks plus.

Actually, I have only mentally tracked for months.

So, as an exercise in discipline for today--since what I need is to get that BACK, the discipline--I started tracking again. Today. With Breakfast: 480 cals. 27 carbs.

It was a weird feeling entering each item I ate and seeing the data add up. I spent over a year faithfully tracking, until it became burdensome, and I dropped it. Now, it feels nostalgic. I remember the 268 pound me really facing the long journey and deciding, okay, this is one tool. One.

I remember how much I learned using it, though it was a pain in the kiester, as a lot of things requiring faithfulness and discipline are.

I haven't weighed in days. I haven't even mentally tallied calories in days. I have felt such apathy and sadness. But today, I begin small. I track.

Ya know,  I feel a little better. Just doing this little old "diet discipline" thing made me remember. It was so much harder and sadder being morbidly obese. But I remember the drive and fear and hopefulness of my furiously intense tracking days. That was a good thing to remember. How much I wanted to


I apologize if I offended anyone with yesterday's post.

It wasn't meant to say we cannot gripe or whine on our blogs, which of course, that's one of the reasons for HAVING a blog, to be able to be ourselves. It's not meant to say our diet journeys don't matter. Health matters. It's meant to say we matter more than the diet, and other things matter more in perspective, so not to let our weights be the determinant of our being, our feelings, our outlook. That makes us slaves, in a way.

My feelings as blogged yesterday came from my observations of a certain distortion that can happen with diet bloggers: How a pound up can make folks feel worthless and like failures and the self-hate that follows. How that pound takes on a meaning beyond what it should have. The lack of perspective.

A needed vent, whine is therapeutic.

Speaking of some negative things: necessary.

When the whines go on and one, chronically, and the scale is master and lord, one's perspective surely can become screwed up. Badly screwed up. (Been there.)

My tracker, my scale, calculations of BMI, and so forth--these are tools. And they should never rule or define me. EVER. I told myself this in 2010, and I still tell myself this.

Morbidly obese me had as much value as not morbidly obese me.

But morbidly obese me couldn't move or feel as good or have the renewed dreams not obese me can, simply cause I have better ability to FUNCTION in my day to day. And the growth in self-worth isn't cosmetic. It's because I achieved something I wanted to. I wanted to NOT be obese. I wanted to become master of my food, not let food master me.

The previous post, partly born of depression, partly of frustration at the self-hating from the blogging sphere over failures, was meant to say, "Keep perspective." Hating ourselves (and in some cases out there hating OTHERS) for failing to meet slimming goals is counter-productive and, yes, adds to the negative power in the world. We need to cut that crap out.

Even as we learn to discipline ourselves, we need to forgive ourselves when we fail. Not for self-indulgence's sake--cause if there's anything we overeaters don't need is an excuse to self-indulge-- but for the sake of being humane in our journey. It's easy to lose that perspective.

 And when that number can ruin our day and alter our sense of self, we've lost perspective. It's time for a corrective at that point.

(It goes both ways. If a pound lost can make the radical sunshine reaction change in your day, like the pound gained can put a huge black cloud over it, there's some calibration issues with one's emotions. It's like the scale-mediated bipolar syndrome or something.)

So far, I haven't had a number ruin my day in a long while, though I may not like the number. Though it may not be my goal number. I look at the feedback and try to do better, but I refuse to be self-hating anymore about weight. I spent too many years--decades!--doing that. What did it get me? Diddly squat other than low self-esteem.

While I disagree with the Heath-At-Any-Size folks on some particulars--sorry, me at 300 and 400 and 500 pounds could hardly be called healthy, and I'm not buying that line--I do believe we ought to be loved, respected, and valued AT ANY SIZE. Even by ourselves. And that's really hard to do, but I believe it should be part of the program as we work on HEALTH and getting to different size.

Maybe we should ask about the motivations and the outcomes:

Is my whine/vent about a frustration? Is it about self-hate? Is it ongoing and fruitless? Is it therapeutic, a release?

These are questions I will ask myself. And maybe you should ask, too.

If whining is persistent and goes nowhere in terms of progress, internally and externally, then that whining is a mental rut or self-indulgence, the latter of which makes it a lack of virtue or, if really chronic, a character flaw , not a release or a vent.

For Christians, it would qualify as a sin, perhaps, at that point. Just take a tour of what Scripture has to say on whining, complaining, murmuring. It may apply. It may not. This requires self-examination.

With a caution: Just because a thing is "permissible", doesn't mean it's beneficial. That which makes you FEEL better for the moment may actually be keeping you from being built up into what you want to be.

I've been there; I know that where my mind and spirit abided, in times past--and I'm talking pre-2010-- were BAD places of much complaint and some despair and a whole lotta self-loathing. If it gets to that point, we who were told that no matter the situation"in everything, give thanks" need to cut that out. It's a command.

It's a simple fact to say, "I chose to eat X and it was off plan.  I feel sad about that. I feel frustrated and wanna SCREAM.  I'm considering why I made these decisions, in these situations, so maybe I can have strategies to better fit those temptations. Here's where maybe I went wrong and can do better, yadda X and yadda Y...  And though I feel sad, I know I can learn from this. I can do better. I won't let this cut me up and get to me. I will fix this somehow."

That's not whining. That's assessing. That's confessing. That's learning. That's keeping hope. That's  something that can lead to self-work that is productive, I think.

Whining--the whining I refer to, not the occasional vent--is when there's this sort of persistent sense of "woe is me" going on and on on a blog, a repetitive thing, a habitual thing:

...this thing happened and that thing happened and another thing happened and it's not my fault I overate cause I was stressed and then I got tempted by birthday cake and I couldn't resist and then my sister made this and I ate that and why do they tempt me and how come people don't support me and help me stay on my plan and then I went to get donuts cause my neighbor was mean to me again and really I'm just so lazy that I can't bring myself to walk which isn't my fault cause it's hot and there are mosquitoes and I get itchy, but I should go to the gym, but I didn't, cause the gym people stare and were smirking at me last time, and it's the worst, and I hate that I'm like this and I hate myself, and when I hate myself, I just wanna eat more...

I don't see how that helps much, other than the venting aspect, if for some that helps. And it may.

BUT, is it a pattern? Vent and vent and whine and whine and...then what? It can become another sort of addiction, maybe.  Addicted to the vent-whine and the pats on the back that can follow. The sympathy addiction.

Which helps precisely how?

I'm seriously asking that. If it helps, then do it. I can't say don't do something that is leading you down the right road, helping you make progress.

I just wonder at the follow-up: And then what.  Does it help? Does it really lead to progress? Or is it just about FEELING the moment. And fruit. A dead tree.

If it bears fruit and helps: do it.

If it has not helped and you're still stuck and whining: Please, find another way. It's a dead tree that can't nourish you. Why keep watering it?

So, if what I wrote yesterday hurt your feelings in any way, or sounded too bossy or critical,  I'm sorry. It was not meant to do that. It really was not.

(And I hope you were brave enough to read the story.)

Today,  I'm still fighting for joy and self-control and to be well...

You, keep fighting, too, and find joy, and be well, too.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Diet, Depression, Life Issues...and a reality check: It could be so,so,so much worse. And a very good story to prove it. And yes, a long, rambly thing to basically say...let's be good to each other....

Man, I had a seriously emotional day yesterday.

The last two days, I've had crying spells. They come, often, with these mild depressions. Crying and acne. Tells me there's a chemical thing going on, cause I haven't had acne since menopause hit, and there are zits on my chin and jaw. It's the hormonal wackiness that brings me the blues.

 Interestingly, with the deep clinical depressions I've had, the suicidal ideation or "life is not worth living at all" ones, it's more a sort of mini-death of apathy and lying around and stuffing with food and books for sensation and escape, with spurts of outbursts of tears, but mostly silence.

With milder depressions, it's more ongoing low-level weepyness and thoughts of low-self worth, but I want to talk about it. To self. To God. To Hubby. Not silent like deep depressions.

It's not something I like to talk about, this weakness of mine. I hid this from friends and family for decades as best I could, because who wants to be downer? Who wants to show this pathetic side?

Well, here it is.  The self-absorption of depressives is a non-pretty thing.

Depression--mild, middling, or deep-- makes us lose perspective.

When I'm depressed, I read. I read to escape. Have since childhood. To get away from body, feelings, and go somewhere else.

Yesterday, I read one of the Nebula Award nominated stories--"The Man Who Ended History: A Documentary" by Ken Liu.

The awards were announced last weekend. I'd been meaning to read the nominees since I saw the  list, but, well, you know, it got put off. At first, I was taken by the physics premise --I had seen a program with an astrophysicist who discussed this particular quantum phenomenon, and I thought it would make a great premise for a story and had been pondering it myself.

But then the main part of the story took me to a very painful place.

The story takes as inspiration some really awful things that happened in China during its war with the Japanese in the 1930s. And it also takes some points from the work/life/death of Iris Chang, who wrote about the Rape of Nanking (yet another horror from that time). Do not read this story if you don't have a tolerance of sorts for the truth about what humans do.

Or maybe read it and let yourself be shredded a bit. It might be therapeutic.

I'm one of those people who took YEARS before I could watch SCHINDLER'S LIST, and then was sick for a week after, crying and having bad dreams. I remember the first time I saw a drama about the holocaust (it was on TV in the 70s and had Meryl Streep and James Woods in it, though I forget the exact name). I went and puked and had to stop watching. When I saw NICHOLAS AND ALEXANDRA as a 12 or 13 year old, I went home, fell on the floor, and just bawled. And for 2 weeks after, whenever I thought about the execution scene, I'd start bawling again.

When I read stories of child abuse or horrors in the paper, I start weeping. I sometimes can't get it out of my head for weeks. There's one man I still pray for, years later, who had been imprisoned falsely. I keep praying his life now is happy and makes up for it. When I first read about Darfur (long before the Hollywood elite got wind of it, cause charitable channels and Christian agencies were alerting folks about it), I gave, then gave again, because how could you not? When you read about famines, don't you want to send food? When you read about a disaster, don't you want to help send aid?

And when you read about atrocities, you are ashamed to be a human who whines about petty issues.

So, that's the context. I get really upset at the stuff we humans do that seems unbelievable...unthinkable.

Part of why when I was younger and before my health crashed major time, I volunteered a lot. Sometimes, it overwhelms you and you want to add some good to the stew that's this world.

Okay, so I'm mildly depressed and I read a story about the sorts of things we do to each other that will make the strongest man bawl.

I bawled. For hours. I prayed, for hours. I begged God to make us stop doing that. To not let us do it again.

I know, a naive prayer.

If you never heard of Unit 731--and I had prior to this, which hurts me even more as I'm a Japanophile--you should read it.  If you never heard of the Rape of Nanking, you should inform yourself. But have a strong stomach.

Just like we should know about the Cambodian killing fields, the Holocaust, the Rwandan civil war, our own  history with the natives, with Africans, with (add your own category of huge oppression). We should know it, because we have to want to NOT repeat it. And it starts with each of us. Whether it's the German Nazis, Japanese Imperialists, slave traders, Stalinists, Mao's cultural revolution, North Korea's dictators--humans are prone to become twisted in some shocking ways. You and I.

That Japanese soldier at Nanking could brother, your son, your or my husband. We're made of the same thing. It's awful to contemplate that WE are capable of THAT. Me.

And it's a corrective to perspective.

When we get all worked up over what we ate or didn't exercise or the scale is up one or five pounds, it tends to look amazingly stupid in the face of REAL problems.

Allan used to do this time and again during his diet posting. Link to a mother with a sick child or a woman with a dire illness. Perspective.

Hard as it may be for some of us, dieting and exercise, it's  paltry thing, a minor inconvenience, in the face of what goes on every day in the world.

Put it in perspective. Let's not whine too much about it. We do it, or we don't do it. and in the end, we can lose the proper viewpoint. Let's be healthful and live good live, because some folks can't. Let's eat properly, because some can't. Let's honor our bodies, because very easily, with a twist of fate, we could be having our bodies' honor ripped from us by men turned to beasts.

You think the folks at the World Trade Center, facing a decision to jump or die in flames, worried about being overweight? No. They wanted to be with the people they loved, living normal lives. They'd want peace.

This is a downer of a post. But read the story. Remember. Say a prayer for peace. And put the diet and exercise and scale and food thing into perspective. We are able to overcome--food and sloth and self-hate and self-destruction--and we are able to overcome the base part o fus that makes things like what are depicted in that story-based-on-truth possible. We have the ability to be BETTER. To not look down on each other, hate each other, laugh and ridicule each other, dehumanize each other. Not for being fat, or for being different in all sorts of ways.

Every blog that spews hate on dieters or anyone adds to the beast that results in killing fields. It starts small and grows big. Small words of disdain become large propaganda schemes that end up piling people into camps.

Dehumanization does this. When you stop seeing your neighbor as the same as you. As worthy as you of respect and sympathy.

Let's not dehumanize, even in this small, minor thing that is dieting, so small in the grand scheme. Even in this, let's show mercy and love.

I read about The Transfiguration last night in two Bibles and  in my devotion. That's what I want. To shine. To be the better me. We have glory inside us and glory ahead of us, if we choose it.  I gotta go find my joy again, and I thank the story for slapping me with truth and perspective. I must grasp and be grateful for my life; I owe it to the ones who had theirs stolen.

Now, go be kind to someone, including yourself. Spread the good. There's never enough good. 

Be well...

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Ready for Summer Update #8: maintained...mildly depressed

Tanita-San: 178.8
Last Week: 178.8

I am suffering a mild depression. It has been coming on slowly, and I can at least be grateful that it's a lesser mood affect than I was used to in the past in my cyclical depressions. The lack of focus, motivation and anxiety have been waxing. And this past week, I pretty much just wanted to lie about like a slug. Just getting up and grooming took focus. Anxiety and worried thoughts were prevalent.

So, yeah, ain't this fun?

I held on some, though, as the numbers show. I maintained.

When I'm depressed, I crave carby comfort foods. And so visions of pizza and lasagna and cake and bread with butter danced in my head. I didn't have any of that. I did allow myself more "safer" carbs--rice, black beans, lentils. I had soup more often, as that's one way to get a comfort food without too many calories or damage. I ate a ton of fruit (which is not necessarily a good thing for folks who have battled I.R/prediabetes, but when sweet cravings hit, it's the safest). I had one day when I caved--a totally spontaneous fit of food berserkness--and had 8 cherries dipped in chocolate. I was on my way home, saw a gourmet fresh-made chocolate shop (I rerouted due to traffic) and bam, parked, bought, took home, split 4 with breakfast and 4 with dinner and felt really stupid and weak.

I only exercised 2 hours this past week, both with my Pilates trainer. And it was tough, as the asthma acted up a bit in allergy season. The rains came and the blooming and pollens with it, I guess. May be part of the mood trigger? Who knows.

Joints are achey (rain, rain).

So, yeah, I'm feeling pretty FLAT.

I'm happy I held on and didn't gain, cause damn, every pizza commercial on tv sent me into wrassling with cravings.

I still feel like doing NOT ONE DAMN THING. The rains (and bloompoof) is keeping me mostly indoors.

I feel like laying in bed all weekend. I didn't shower today (Sunday).

So, this week, pretty much, I'm hanging on. The mood issue will work its way out. I just have to hang on.

(Well, I hope it's a short, minimal episode. These usually do in a matter of weeks or months, and if it's a lower level mood issue, it can pass pretty quickly. Only once lasted 4 years and medications prescribed--though not taken out of fear of side effects--um, well, that was a bad spell post mom's death).

The apathy sucks. I just feel very flat and like I don't give a damn with 80% of me, and 20% is trying like mad in my brain to get me moving and taking in fluid like normal. It takes such effort. Sigh.

It's a not-great time, but I refuse to lose hope. My body has been a trial to me since I was born, and some decades, its defects won. I'm determined not to let these defects keep winning.

Um, again, sorry to be a crap example. No inspiration here today. Just a woman feeling weak and working to keep going when it's not so great in the emo department.

But you see, I haven't given up. :D

I am loathe to set goals. Pretty much not motivated to. BUT...I will: I will not regain. I will not give into candy and carby cravings for junk. I will make the effort to do some movement DAILY: any movement for at least 15 minutes, DAILY. Something!

Maren, apologies for missing the mini-challenge. I guess I'll add it to this week's. :D

Be well in this new week, everyone!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Mother's Day and the Dress...Feeling Feminine!

I got to wear--finally--my 9West dress for Mother's Day (that orange/green/brown/pink tribal print dress that I posted about previously).

I'm an avocado/appley type body (curvy, fat congregates in the belly/torso), and in these pics, it reminds me I still have a ways to go. But, well, I've seemed to settle in the place where my body LIKES to be, as much as I want it to be 20-25 lbs lower.

I did the arms up shot to show the curves better, hahahaha. BUT ALSO..cause the acanthosis nigricans is nearly gone. I used to have charcoal grey skin under my arms from the prediabetes/insulin resistance. You can see a bit of it in this photo on the right from June 2010--I was in the 260s-- though the acanthosis nigricans had by that date already improved a bit after 2 years of exercising hard and eating better. The darkest areas are hidden by the shirt. I, these days, have a bit of shaving-induced hyperpigmentation, but the severe A.N. that plagued various parts of my body (thighs, underarms, neck, etc)  is pretty much history, thank God. :D

It's nice to wear dresses again. It's wonderful. WONDERFUL! Nothing makes me feel as feminine as a cute dress.

For the record: I'm not wearing shapewear. Bra and panties. No slip (my slip was too long, turned out). I wanted to wear shapewear, but in the end, I chose comfort.

I hope you enjoyed your mother's day and got to wear something that made you feel girly (or manly) and good!

Yup, I gots curves. Mostly booby curves, heh.
And that's a flower headband on my head.
My younger niece and SIL made "tea party hats"
with tulle and ribbons, and for my older niece
 and me, they created headbands. I don't
like to crush my curls with hats. :D
I look ready to "hula". :D

I may be old and overweight,
but I sure like feeling girly!
I'm holding the headband here. :)

Saturday, May 12, 2012

RfS Mini-Challenge~~ Letters To Myself: You have changed. STAY CHANGED!

Hubby and I, 2003

Hubby and I, 2012

Letters to myself --past, current, and even future:

Hey, Past me!

What a long, hard, exciting, self-discovering road you started online 5 years ago on May of 2007. You didn't know it then, but you were gonna try a host of things to get over your obesity and food issues. You messed up...a lot. But you didn't give up. THANKS for not giving up.

For a lifetime, you fought the body images and propensity to chub up, then fatten up, then obese up. You got to 299, began blogging at 279, and now, five years later, you're 179. Good for you! 100 pounds less than when you started blogging for weight loss. It worked. The blogging helped. It was the right thing to do.

You lost years --decades--to illness and poor habits. You lost opportunities to fear and self-loathing. But you didn't lose hope.

You took hold for a last fighting chance in 2010...and it worked. Losing 120 pounds takes serious mojo--real commitment--no matter the path one takes. For us  (you, me) , it was not a surgical path--though that was strongly taken into consideration as an option. It wasn't a drug-assisted path--cause, really,  you wanted to GET OFF drugs, not get on more, and you didn't plan to stay on any drug for long term (and I'm old enough to remember the horrors of the Fen-Phen).

I'm off the high blood pressure pills. I have resolved the prediabetes. Ya done good.

Hello, current me. What you got to say?

Well: It was not a solitary path,  which surprised the introvert in me.  Though in the end, for all of us,  it comes down to the "I"  doing it, still, I did it with a blog and with bloggy pals and with challenges and with online research and reading and trying and failing and trying again. It was a bumpy road, crazy bumpy road, before I hit on things that I liked and that worked: Pilates, walking, eating with fewer starches and eliminating gluten and most simple sugars. Eating lots of organic veggies, fruits and good protein. Lots and lots of fluids. Lots of mutual encouragements.

It was the path of learning and moving and portioning and studying and rah-rahing. It was the day by day, meal by meal, full of introspection type of path. It was a path supported by people of all types who had a similar fight to fight. And that I have ended up leading challenges was revelatory, as it became a big tool for ME to help others.

Right now, it's a rough patch. With 19 pounds to goal weight, those 19 pounds feel as monumental as the 139 I initially looked at losing. It feels far away and too hard. And maybe I won't get there. I'm thinking this way.

Whether I do or not get to that "magic number",  what is most important is to keep those good habits that took so much work to inculcate. FIGHT to keep them. FIGHT to not regain. FIGHT to learn more and eat better and move consistently.

Because I feel good. I feel better than I have in 22 years. I feel alive again. I feel pretty again. I feel strong. I do feel old--and I am old--but I feel younger than the morbidly obese me.

Little things daily add up to joy: wearing clothes from "non fat" stores. Crossing my legs. More limber sex. Bending over with ease. Playing ball. Walking as the moon rises without feeling like I'm gonna die out of breath. Not using a cart at the grocery store cause I can carry 5 bags  of stuff on my own. Fitting comfortably in my car with space between my belly and the steering wheel. Having my husband praise me and my efforts. Seeing his eyes looking at me like I'm his spanking new bride--again. Wearing dresses again. Liking how I look in pictures (which I pretty much never liked, but relativity and perspsective changes when one transforms).

299 lbs, 2004, "The Blouse" size 30/32

2012, trying on "The Blouse"
which can wrap around me...

Life is much better HERE. That's what I wish I could send back in time to myself in the 80s. Get there sooner.

But to my future self, I say:

Do not lose this blessing, this feeling, this rebirth. Keep this. Do better. Hold on. Remember that it's the majority who lose what they have gained due to complacency. Do not become complacent. Become...a person of good health habits. That's the crux. GOOD HEALTH HABITS....feed that. Nurture that.

You changed. You feel it, right? How internally, you inhabit a better landscape? You moved to a nicer town. The air is fresher. The sky is wider. The trees and flowers here are so beautiful. Don't go back to the dirt and noise and ugliness of the morbidly obese ghetto you found yourself stuck in. Stay here. If you move, move to an EVEN lovelier part of town.


And life will be better because of it.

Don't lose this fight. Be a warrior...for your (my) own good.

And God bless you (me)> :D

Ready for Summer Update #7: Well, that was a surprise. A good one. And no, I'm still not on top of my game...

Tanita-san: 178.8
Last week: 179.8

Back down to where I was two weeks ago.

Waist: 34.75 (unchanged)

I had been as high as 182.2 this week . I though I'd show a 3 lb gain in this update.

(Why? Here's why: Lots of salty foods, more carbs than usual--a bowl of oatmeal with raisins and cinnamon on Wednesday, and I hadn't had oatmeal in, sheesh, more than a year maybe? and beans 3x this week, black and navy and pinto/refried--as well as an increase in snacky stuff, like chocolate and gluten-free cookies).

Seriously, my food has been teetering on the verge of head-diving into the pit, teetering...teetering..

I have hardly been on the ball here.

I have had some of my controls in place--no binge, some exercise, moment when I had to say NO, NO hard when I almost called for delivery stuff out of laziness ,but then cooked the pasteured chicken breasts and made low-salt sauce.

But others waivered quite a bit( eg, no walking AT ALL, partly due to the loads of rainstorms, mostly cause I got really slothful and demotivated to do so. Sugar crept back in in chocolate and gf cookies) No gold star here.

Even my fluid intake was waffley--some days great, two days under desired amounts.

I am not proud of myself at all.

I am happy some good habits remained, enough in place not to send me totally into a tailspin of disaster. Good habits can only hold on so long before they fail if not reinforced.

This week, I plan to make a plan for reinforcement. Maybe tape it up to the kithen cupboard. Back to my 3 cups of water before meals. Back to focusing on less starch and curtail snacks. Back to my ONE diet-friendly dessert AFTER DINNER only. BACK TO WALKLING (even if I may have to do some radical rescheduling, since the rainy season seems to have come in and is keeping me in afternoons/early evening, when I normally walked). I'm not a morning person. AT ALL.So, it's either figure out how to MORNING-IZE my walk to do indoor cardio (hate that, really) with DVDs.

Stress is minimized a bit, but it's still simmering.

I've been praying. A LOT. I'd say I've prayed more the last week than in the two months prior. It's intensive. And I intend to keep that up. I've felt less frazzled emotionally doing so.

GOALS: Well, pretty much the original ones in the opening challenge post. It feels gargantuan to me in my state of mind (demotivated). Still...and again, I will be happy if I show no regain, but my head and heart want that 1/2 pound loss minimum.

I wish everyone a very happy holiday weekend. To all the mothers, God bless you. Be strong and courageous as you raise your young ones (or continue to advise and comfort your not-so-youngs ones) and have a lovely special day. My mother is in Heaven with the Lord, and I know she is waiting for us, like Moms always do, for the great homecoming.

Be well...

Friday, May 11, 2012

I'm getting crap results this week, cause I'm like a diet version of the search engine"Bing"? AKA Princess Dieter's Weird Metaphor for the Day

I'm still dietarily screwing up. I'm on a feta and Greek olives streak, and even had two gluten free cookies last night, so today I'm at 182 lbs on the scale. Yes, yes, this is BAD. BAD!

I'm a dork. Yes, yes. I am a dork.

I'm a dork praying like heck and trying to elevate my mood. Part of that has been viewing happy stuff and reading well-written stuff.

Today a particular search engine result just killed my mood.  Here's what happened: I wanted to check in with a blogger I hadn't visited in like, well, more than year at least. I didn't remember the name of the blog. Just that this was a Western gal married to a Japanese guy with two adorable sons and that Noboru was the name of either her son or husband (I forget). So, I searched for "housewife Japan two sons Noboru" to see if the blog would pop up.

BING (which got hijacked into being my default search tool when I downloaded a Veoh player a couple months ago) set me up with a list of filthy links. I mean, the first link TITLE was so gross, I won't even retype it. Let's just say it had to do with incest. (barf) These are links no one in their right mind would click. Seriously.

I then went to my usual preferred browser, Google, and behold. No disgusting list. The first search item is a Wikipedia article referring to a novel by Haruki Murakami, and the rest are literary, obituary, and travel links. No freakasoid-pervo-porno crap.

BING...what is wrong with you? Really, I need to figure out how to remove this from my Firefox toolbar. Sigh. I tried to go back to Google as my default, but obviously I did not try hard enough.

I got lazy.

And this brings me back to ME and MY LESS THAN IDEAL EATING this week. Less than ideal exercising, too. (A repeat of last week). I didn't try hard enough.

I got lazy.

It seems that instead of the wonderful Google version of my "diet engine"--getting the good results-- I'm operating on BING and being rewarded with trash results.

I'm eating carelessly (though thankfully I'm not in binge mode). I'm lazy about exercising. And I'm regaining weight.

I haven't figured out (or tried hard to figure out) how to remove Bing from my Firefox tool bar. I haven't figured out (or even tried hard to do the things to figure out) how to get back to Google verson of Princess Dieter in my diet engine.

Sloth kills. Laziness doesn't offer us rewards that are beneficial.

Or at least makes us see disgusting results we'd rather not.

I gotta get back to being a better, cleaner, tighter, stronger diet engine as my DEFAULT. I need to be Google Princess Dieter again. Well, I'm not alone, but that's small comfort.

And I'm gonna now Google up some more searches to see if I can find that Japanese homemaker's blog. Really cute kids make me smile. :D

Update: Found the blog after adding "vacation Hawaii", as I recalled her posting about that. Kids are still supercute. :D Had forgotten they eat a host of diet-unfriendly foods!

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Ready for Summer Challenge Update #6: A mostly FAIL week...

Tanita-san: 179.8
Last week: 178.8

Up a pound.

And I am in this weird sort of floaty, unfocused, demotivated mindset. I didn't do a single cardio workout. I did my 2x trainer workouts (but I know if I hadn't had these appointments, I'd likely have done squat.)

I've been spending a lot of introspection time and a lot of time decluttering (which made my allergies surge up due to dusts). I threw out 5 bags of assorted old papers, magazines, expired hygiene items, threadbare washtowels, clothes (unwearable).

It's like as one project is moving on, my brain can't focus on keeping me diet and exercise motivated completely. I ate out more (salty, fattier than at home), and that is reflected in the gain. Well, plus NOT moving as much.

I have nothing really helpful to offer except that when we don't put the effort in, the results suck.

Also, I'm about ready to call in the maintenance phase. I'm tired this week, so tired, of looking at this out-of-reach number month after month and not getting there. I'm not willing to live on any significant change in calories. I'm not willing to ratchet up the exercise (although I need to go back to my steady level, and that will take effort right now). I need maybe to say, "Okay, accept that this is where you'll be."

I'm THIS close to just saying that. Really.

But I worry it's the demotivated me talking, not the rational me.

This week: I'm setting minimal goals. JUST DO NOT GAIN MORE and find a way out of the blahs.

I wish I were peppier and more encouraging, but right now, I'm stuck in a rut in the road and don't feel the energy to jump out of it.

But I'm not quitting. And I will find the wherewithal to move again...

God bless. Be well...

Thursday, May 3, 2012

National Day of Prayer: And along with the Presidents and leaders....

...I pray for you (and me)... all of us struggling with food and obesity issues.

I hope you pray for me, too, if you are praying today for our country. Along with all the good things--peace, diminished crime, jobs for the unemployed, wisdom and integrity and insight for leaders in politics/religion/academia/research/law/etc, rain for parched areas, sun for flooded ones, revival and awakening, greater love of neighbor and mercy--remember to add health and strength for those of us bound by these besetting food issues (and sloth issues, heh).

God bless you all! And the Lord bless this country to be better and better and live up to its great ideals of liberty, justice, fairness, opportunity, and peace. I feel very blessed to live in this country, and I want it to grow into a finer, nobler nation for future generations. AMEN!